Fall 2019 | Issue 1
What do you think about the new editor?
Monica Holtmeyer: Me? Oh, I think I’m great. Great writer. Super sassy! All around great. Don’t listen to Dan. This editor gig is fuck*ng great!
Ann Torrusio: Monica? Who? Oh, wait, I remember her. Good kid. Taught her everything she knows about writing. I’m sure she will be great for that shit dump paper.
Dan Gerth: Bah! She was the only one to show up for the interviews. Did she even write two things last year? I don’t even know if she can write an Understew, but what choice did I have? She needs to put the damn asterisk in the right f***ing place or she’s going to get us banned! Boo!
BRAIN STEW PIZZA PARTY
August 22nd - 5 PM
Honors College First Floor Lounge
PLHC Welcomes Our Newest Dean Former President Trump April 20, 2024 - Changes
Gender Studies will consist of nothing but Good Housekeeping articles about effective groping. Natural Bridge Road will become a wall to be paid for by North Campus. Psychology and other witchcraft will be replaced with business classes.
I tried to warn you! Thank God I live in Illinois. –Christoph Schiessl, PhD
All students will be charged import duties on text books from North Campus’s TJ library.
Dean Trump on UMSL’s College of Nursing: "They're sending people that have a lot of vehicles, and they're bringing those cars with them. They're bringing drugs. They're bringing careers! They're asshol*s. And some, I assume, are good people."
English & Communications will be replaced with Twitter ranting.
CHECK THIS OUT
“All the News, Whether it’s Fit to Print or Not!”
The Provincial House Times
LATE EDITION TODAY: Science proves that all penises look exactly alike. Also, another study reveals that all scientists are old straight guys.
May 31, 2019
Brain Stew editor Tony Deluvia goes on poop strike to protest new abortion laws!
On Friday, May 31 , Brain Stew editor Tony Deluvia announced that he would not poop again until Missouri rescinded its new law banning abortion after eight weeks. “I understand that as a male, there’s nothing symbolically appropriate for a protest, okay? This was just the best I can do. No poop babies from me until women regain full control over their bodies.” Tony’s announcement was meant as both supportive of women and critical of Alyssa Milano’s recently announced sex strike. “Are prochoice women really having sex with pro-life men in the first place? That’s difficult to believe. I mean, I guess if the men are lying. Plus, doesn’t this just punish women too? I mean I guess that if there are pro-choice women having sex with pro-life men, the sex might be terrible, but I just don’t think Alyssa Milano has really thought this whole thing through. Also, while I have great respect for her groundbreaking work on “Who’s the Boss,” where she dealt with that asshole Tony Danza (history’s biggest monster), who still wants to have sex with Alyssa Milano that badly? Isn’t she like 60 or something? Don’t old men already have to pay like $5 just to make their penises work? I assume this sex strike just saves them money.”
The geese on campus are
UMSL Goose Attacks Ass Dean’s Car in ProHo Parking Lot “Damn it! I have had that car since 1999 and no goose has messed it with it yet,” says Dan. “What’s that thing where you tie a goose down, shove food down it’s throat and then eat its liver spread on crackers? Time to find out if that’s as delicious as it sounds.” Continued on p.69.
PYERRE FESTIVAL APRIL 2020
Tony Deluvia, left, with friend and former Brain Stew editor Nicole Gevers, right. Nicole could not be reached for comment. Why are we using a picture of them from winter when it’s so f***ing hot outside? Shut your dirty mouth! That’s why.
Honors College 30th Anniversary Gets Underway with Deans Drinking Contest The Pierre Laclede Honors College begins celebrating its 30 year anniversary this summer. It was August 1989 when the Honors Program became a college. “I’m really excited about what we have in store,” says Dean Ed. The first event, Drinks with the Deans, is an alumni happy hour and deans drinking contest to be held on September 6th at the Pat Connolly Tavern. “Dan, Nancy, and I will be having a Jägermeister drinking contest. I don’t know how fair this is, given that Gerth brushes his teeth with the stuff – but I bet I can take Nancy okay,” said Ed. Later events include a special Bellerive launch commemorating the 20th anniversary of the prestigious anthology. This will be the first Bellerive to make the entire issue at the launch itself. “Twenty years is a long time, and I’m very tired. We will have blank bound issues and crayons. Is it really all that hard to write poetry?” questions Bellerive faculty member Geri Friedline. The year concludes with an official anniversary weekend – the Pyerre Festival, starting on 4/20 and taking place in the tunnels beneath ProHo, where Pablo Escobar once hid drugs. Biz Markie headlines the musical guests. Continued on pg. 69.
What is Nicole Gevers up to?
Former BS editor, Nicole Gevers graduated in May 2019. While many assumed she was dead, she finally got back in touch with Brain Stew in July. Clearly she is doing very well, and her priorities are correctly aligned with everything she learned as a BS editor from 2016-2019.
She was too classy to point out the word â€œJohnsonâ€? and how it is slang for you know what.
July 3, 2019 Dear Mr. Ed Brown and Mr. Dan Brown, My name is Dan Gerth, and I currently serve as Associate Dean at the Honors College at UMSL. I am writing to let you know that I really enjoy On the Road with Brown and Brown! I only recently learned about your show from some students of mine, who are also very enthusiastic fans. In fact, Nicole Gevers’ (civil engineering, class of May 2019) family would DVR episodes for her whenever they spotted them in the local TV listings. Unfortunately, I have not been able to see all of the episodes (or have been unable to locate all of them) yet, but as a nearly lifelong St. Louis resident (most of that time in north county), I especially enjoyed seeing your visit to Hazelwood East High School and your visit to Granite City, where I have a cousin who works at U.S. Steel. All of us enjoy the show as a peak into the personalities of local celebrities. It’s very fun watching you interact (sorry to hear/see about the “flat feet,” Dan!). And we also love local history and local color and think it’s really neat to see you visit different areas in and around St. Louis that we either already love or enjoy learning about for the first time. I apologize in advance if you get bombarded with this request, but would you ever consider filming an episode at UMSL’s Honors College? We are located in a building that we would argue has definite historical significance to the area. Built over 100 years ago, what we call “Provincial House” was originally the headquarters for the Daughters of Charity religious order. It is, we think, a pretty amazing place and a hidden local gem. People do not generally step onto the UMSL campus and expect to see what’s more or less a castle! And while the Daughters of Charity have been gone for multiple decades, they were a substantial part of north St. Louis for even longer – and as far as I can tell, the only local order to wear the very distinctive habit associated with The Flying Nun.
Daughters of Charity, outside of the chapel in 1918
Honors College freshmen, outside the same chapel in 2018
We’re actually located only a few minutes away from quite a few other north county landmarks that you might be interested in pairing us with. For example, the last remaining Chuck-A-Burger is nearby on St. Charles Rock Road and the last remaining Velvet Freeze is nearby on West Florissant. While I have never been to Mr. Twist in Granite City, I certainly think Velvet Freeze (still using the original ice cream recipes from 1934) is an important part of ice cream history in the city that invented the ice cream cone at the 1904 World’s Fair. If you’d like any additional information, please don’t hesitate to contact me at email@example.com or 314-516-7197. We would love to be a part of a future episode of your program. And I can promise enthusiastic students too! The three editors-in-chief for the college’s newsletter are all working on this letter with me, as is the former student/recent alum who I mentioned earlier. We appreciate your time and your television program, and we thank you for considering our request. Sincerely,
Daniel Gerth Associate Dean Pierre Laclede Honors College University of Missouri-St. Louis C212 Provincial House 314-516-7197 firstname.lastname@example.org
Provincial House, current home of the Honors College at UMSL, and former home of the Daughters of Charity convent
Letters to Dean Ed <3 This summer, we challenged Brain Stew editors and faculty to write letters to Dean Ed to share their summer experiences. Our first letter is from Dan Gerth from when was on vacation in Colorado earlier this summer. Dear Ed, I cannot stop thinking about how lonely I am on my vacation without Bob. I was so worried about him being home alone without my constant attention and affection. To make it worse, I left him alone with Kristen and Tony. Bob called last night and told me those two idiots do not even understand cat language and forgot to set out my grilled chicken the other day. I am considering removing Tonyâ€™s honors scholarship from his financial aid account and destroying every letter of recommendation I have written for Kristen. I hope Bob can forgive me soon. I am leaving a day early so I can be reunited with him and start making amends. Wish me luck! Sincerely, Dan
BRAIN STEW PIZZA PARTY August 22nd - 5 PM
Honors College First Floor Lounge
“All the News, Whether it’s Fit to Print or Not!”
The Provincial House Times June 30, 2019
LATE EDITION TODAY: She blinded me with science! Well, not science. Actually a switch blade. COST: $4.20
BS Editor Sammy Jacobs Back in Jail, Charged with Assault after Gouging out Brown and Brown’s Eye “Other eye, you mean. That patch is bullshit,” says Sammy
Less than three months after her release from prison in South Padre Island, on charges of selling Juuls loaded with bath salts, Brain Stew editor Sammy Jacobs finds herself incarcerated in the St. Louis Medium Security Institution, commonly known as “the Workhouse.” Sammy is facing felony assault charges after attacking Ed Brown, of Brown and Brown, Attorneys at Law, and reportedly gouging out his left eye. “Eye patch lawyer is totally faking. That can’t be real,” explained Sammy when reached for comment. “As someone who is almost definitely losing an eye someday, I don’t like him exploiting that shit for profit. He just wants people to feel sorry for him. Or to think like ‘ooh, he only has one eye, I bet he’s good at suing people about injuries.’” Witnesses place Sammy at Marley’s on Florissant Road at 1:15am on June 29th when a Brown and Brown commercial came on the television and triggered her. She stormed out and apparently went to Ed Brown’s home. The police have not released details of precisely what happened next or how Sammy figured out where he lived. Asked about why she feels kinship with people who only have one eye, Sammy replied, “bar fight, bottle rocket, and bar fight – those are the three times I already almost lost an eye. Some Zeta skank sucker punched me when I made fun of her engagement ring, and that f***ing ring almost got me.” Not unexpectedly, Brain Stew faculty advisor Dan Gerth was less than pleased. “I’ll bail her out tomorrow, but I’m not made of money, you know. Getting her out of SPI jail wasn’t cheap. Her bogus lawsuit against Hot Pockets [Note: Sammy was hospitalized after eating eighteen packages of Hot Pockets in April] better pay off or I’m out a lot of money. It’s ironic, really. Brown only had one eye; I bet he was good at suing people about injuries. She should have gotten him for the Hot Pockets case. Also, is this real or is it just Tony and Monica trying to write a story that uses the phrase ‘the brown eye’ a bunch of times?” While definitely real, there was still one additional and highly surprising detail. Apparently Sammy did not lift the eye patch to confirm whether or not Ed Brown was, as she said, “a faking sack of shit.” Neither before nor after the gouging, according to sources. “Meh, I know I’m right” was all Sammy had to say on the issue.
Sammy’s booking photo, courtesy of the Ferguson Police Department. “I got dressed up for this shit. Gerth always prints these shitty looking jail and hospital phots, but not this time!” said Sammy. “Also, look how tall I am! That’s like taller than you thought, right?”
UMSL Signs Contract with Local Animal Control Organization to Remove Geese from Campus “I’m very excited to announce that the geese will be removed humanely and relocated to a local wildlife refuge where they can live long, happy, healthy lives,” said Chancellor George at a press conference to announce the new goose plan yesterday. “It’s important that we do this right. I know a lot of people complain about the hissing and the droppings, but the geese have been our neighbors for a long time. They were here when I got here, after all. Story continued
Above: artist’s rendering of a goose free campus. Below: photos of sidewalk with goose poop digitally removed.
on page 69.
By reading this you acknowledge that Brain Stew does not know anything about libel laws but assumes that satire means we can write anything we want, and you promise not to sue. Even if you are really good at suing people because of only having one eye. Also, we’re sorry, Mr. Brown. We like your commercials and know you do not deserve this at all.
Philadelphia, Chicago, and Detroit Accuse St. Louis of poor Sportsmanship
“Uh, you’re supposed to riot and burn your city down when you win too, not just when you lose. Jeez, you’d think hockey fans would know that,” says Mayor of Philadelphia. Story
continued on page 69.
Local woman has amazing experience at St. Louis Bread Company “Wow, I mean, oh wow. I always liked Bread Co., but wow. I thought the cashier dude was cute, but…Story
continued on page 420.
Sodexo Introduces New ‘Lake Chicken’ Menu Line
Sodexo introduced its new line of “Lake Chicken” products yesterday in a press conference. Lake Chicken Fingers, Buffalo Lake Chicken, Lake Chicken Denver Omelet, Baked Lake Chicken Breast, and Lake Chicken Cordon Bleu are just a few of the new options. Dan Gerth was first in line to sample. “Darker and a bit greasier than non-lake chicken, but really good, for sure. And I eat a lot of chicken. And eggs. I’m also happy because I understand that lake chicken is a local and sustainable food source.” Sodexo has explained the origin of lake chicken as… Story continued on page 420. PROHO TIMES INTRODUCES NEW INTERNATIONAL COVERAGE! Coverage to include things that
happen outside of Provincial House. “Well that sounds f***ing stupid,” said Dean Ed. “I bet they wrote jokes about shit that happened outside the building and then didn’t want to throw them away, so they came up with this scam. They’re real damn lazy since Nicole graduated. Story continued on page 69.
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Submit your photos to us EASILY on Twitter @UMSLBrainStew or email email@example.com firstname.lastname@example.org GerthD@umsl.edu or email@example.com
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You do not need to format them. Sammy prefers when you print and cut them out!
See that tiny space? Your tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny meme could go there.
Boys who don’t read vote Trump. Not a meme. Just saying.
Today’s meme smorgasbord curated by Jen Churchill
We wrote one ourselves. Can you guess which one? Submit to Brainstew@u msl.edu!
Also, this is
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to identify the number of times the f-word appears on this page wins $5. Best answer wins.
“All the News, Whether it’s Fit to Print or Not!”
The Provincial House Times
LATE EDITION TODAY: How many Maddies does it take to change a light bulb? Three! Find out how on
July 31, 2019
Dean Ed Cancels Controversial Maddie Tariff after St. Charles Agrees to Demands
A compromise has been reached between the Pierre Laclede Honors College and St. Charles regarding the controversial Maddie tariff. Our story begins in July 2018: Alarmed at the number of Honors College students named Maddie (including Madison, Madilynn, Madelynn, and others), then-Interim Dean Dan Gerth announced his controversial proposal to eliminate 3 Maddies from the college by virtue of a vote about whom to expel. “They’re bringing drugs, they’re criminals, they’re rapists… and some, I assume, are good people,” Gerth said in response to the record number of Maddies in the college (include three Madison Russells). That executive order was halted by the courts. See BS #1, 2018-19, for additional coverage. While MS-420 gang activity in St. Charles continues to result in caravans of Maddies migrating to Honors, additional plans from Dean Ed Munn Sanchez have also been halted by the courts – including the highly controversial border separation plan that required all Maddies to be stopped and remain indefinitely at St. Charles West High School or other detention centers, while students not named Maddie were allowed to continue their path to UMSL. Some thought that the graduation of Madison Bick and one of the Madison Russells might end the Maddie border security and deportation efforts, but with 13 Maddies set to return to the college, plus 5 additional ones having applied as of July 1, 2019, Dean Munn Sanchez issued a new plan. “Unless St. Charles stops the tide of Maddies, I will have no choice but to order tariffs of 20% on all applications from students from St. Charles,” said the dean on July 4th at a Make Pierre Great Again rally. It was unclear what this tariff meant, given the lack of an application fee to apply to Honors. Do all Maddies originate from St. Charles? “Yes,” says Ass Dean Gerth. “Who else would name all these girls Maddies except people from St. Charles?” However, Admissions Representative Holly Pope has not responded to a Sunshine Law request for application data about the Maddies – although she did tweet “Witch Hunt!” a number of times. Who exactly the witch(es) were is unclear. “Not me!” said Maddie Woodham, the #1 Maddie on last year’s deportation list. “I’m from Hillsboro. And not a witch!” In response to the tariff threat, St. Charles has apparently agreed, according to a tweet from Dean Munn Sanchez, to “take unprecedented steps to increase enforcement to curb irregular migration. And by ‘irregular’ I mean Maddies. Bad people!” While the plan is vague, it does include, according to Dean Munn Sanchez, additional steps to deal with the influx of Alexes (up to 21 students in fall, including Alexandras and Alexises) and Abbies (up to 12 students in fall, including Abigails and Abigailes and Aby’s). Maddies, Alexes, and Abbys will, despite the deans’ efforts, still likely remain a so-called minority-majority in the college next year.
(Left) Maddie Woodham, not from St. Charles, despite what Dan and Ed say. (Right) Madison Koogler, also not from St. Charles. “Look, I’m also happy building a wall to separate Jefferson County from St. Louis too. Don’t tempt me,” said Dean Ed. The Family Arena was one of the proposed detainment facilities, before the plan was rejected by the PLHC Supreme Court, which is a real thing, not something I just made up now.
Team Dog Invents Dog Made of Marijuana? .
“This is clearly a violation of the rules,” said Team Cat Captain Dan Gerth. “Although it does explain why Nancy can’t stop giggling whenever she talks about Perry.” Skeptics believe the sign is only meant to announce that the La Fun Hotel is accommodating to both marijuana users and dog owners, Dan disagrees. “I teach writing. I know grammar. I know what a 420 Dog would be. And that’s a dog made of weed.” Story
continued on page 69… for some reason.
20 Tons of Cocaine Seized in Philadelphia Last Month – Estimated Street Value of Over $1 Billion Panic Seizes Provincial House
“Noooooooooooo! Noooooooooooo! How am I supposed to make it through final exams now?!” asked BS editor Sammy Jacobs. “JK – I don’t study for finals! And I have plenty of cocaine stashed away for a rainy day. Be prepared, that’s my motto.” “Nooooooooooo! Nooooooooooo! All my investments fail! I’ll never be able to retire now,” remarked PLHC Ass Dean Dan Gerth. Story
continued on page 420.
You made it through the first semester issue of Brain Stew. Enjoy these decorations for your room. They come out of your tuition anyways.
WHAT IS BRAIN STEW? Brain Stew’s mission is to provide for the Pierre Laclede Honors College student body a forum for uncensored free thought, commentary, and creativity, as well as news and event listings from PLHCSA and other related campus organizations. We have been publishing for over 25 years and won the Student Life’s award for Best Sustained Program in 2012 and 2017 as well as TWO national titles from the National Collegiate Honors Council in 2017 & 2018.
you’ve got cat turd collector written all over you
HOW CAN I CONTRIBUTE TO BRAIN STEW? Send your editorials, articles, poems, stories, reviews, plays, drawings, photography, fart jokes, personal ads, or whatever else you can think of to: Brainstew@umsl.edu
I feel GOD in this Chili’s tonight.
STUTTER? Disclaimer: We issue no content guidelines beyond those of state, local, and federal law. All content is the responsibility of the creator. UMSL, PLHCSA, PLHC, and the Brain Stew staff are in no way liable for content. But feel free to complain.
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