THE PIECE OF SHEET - Still less libellous than Daphne - guaranteed.
KSU ELECTIONS: UNIVERSITY’S FINEST. VOX POPULI A year has whittled by since the last KSU elections took place, and, most flabbergastingly, few or none of SDM’s manifesto proposals have been actualised. In our first issue, TPOS addressed KSU directly by asking them what they’d actually achieved in their tenure (if anything) and they replied with a poorly punctuated poem. It was cute, but it did not affirm their supposed utility. Can you imagine a world without last year’s KSU? I can. It’s very, very easy if you try. We interviewed three of this year’s candidates, and some special pundits on the topic of “SDM vs. PULSE” Here’s what they had to say: Andrew Borg Wirth “SDM in KSU always kept the student as its main priority, and worked towards exposing the talents there are within University's walls. I look forward to being part of a team where this is once again our priority, and students' creativity is at the centre of KSU's work. People should vote for SDM because of the dynamic team they are presenting, and the continuity in representation that these individuals stand for.” Julia Farrugia “I feel that KSU has become a stagnant, social competition and has lost the true power it had when it started. Therefore I’m running with PULSE because I think it's time to give life to KSU and ensure that it truly exists to represent all students.” Steph Dalli “As an organization SDM, always kept students at the core of our work and this can easily be confirmed by the students themselves, since year after year SDM kept being re-elected for KSU. I believe that if we are elected we can continue on the positive work of the present KSU and work on new projects ourselves, always keeping in mind students’ needs.”
Chucky Bartolo “Much to the dismay of the cynics that surround me, I consider myself a person with great faith in the democratic system. It is because of this faith in the power of the vote, that I refuse to cast a vote in the KSU elections this year. KSU do not represent me (or you) as a student, and add to this the fact that bi-partisan politics (that haunt us so at a national level) infects our student politics. You must have a pretty clear understanding of why all of this "campaigning" is a sham. I do not vote for parties, just so they can organise good parties.” Nicole Tabone “Don't think I can really speak about Pulse/SDM candidates specifically as I like to think of them as one whole group. They are there to enhance their CVs and be at the centre of a popularity contest. They waste money printing big posters for a week, and don’t publish a manifesto until the last two days. Pulse and SDM are full of shenanigans and there is a big need for a 3rd organisation to challenge their mentality and redefine student politics in Malta.” Noddy Naudi “I cannot afford to devote any more time to KSU - I will instead be spending my time rebuilding my career as a Group Leader at one of Malta’s leading language schools.” S.B. “After 3 years of following KSU elections, one realises that the substance of the candidates is irrelevant. It is the party with the greatest amount of followers that gets elected. The story never changes, so SDM will most probably get elected, even if some PULSE candidates are much better.” Note from Editor: You can decide for yourselves who’s poncing around with a sprayed on halo and who genuinely cares about the causes that they support. But if you really want my advice, if you support PN, vote SDM; if you support PL, vote PULSE. -BS-
WHAT HAPPENS TO YOUR FACEBOOK WHEN YOU DIE? What happens to your social media page when you die? Hadn’t thought about it? Well think about it. Are you thinking about it? Good. Now stop thinking about it. Can’t do it can you. Let me help: tits. Are you thinking about tits now? I recently came across an article while perusing that black hole of useless shit, the internet, and came across an article with this very same title. Intrigued, and a little constipated, I read on. If you remember, Facebook celebrated its tenth anniversary this year which they marked by allowing us to make a delightful “Look Back Video” which highlighted your absolutely pointless news feed ac-
tivity over the past ten years. Ten years ago I hadn’t even started masturbating. Being an avid Facebook user and a budding bigot, I made one of my own and posted it on my timeline. OK, I’m lying. I’m not an avid Facebooker and I didn’t post anything on my timeline. I bring this up because in the wake of all these one minute brown nuggets, a father requested to watch his deceased son’s “Look Back Video” which he could not do, for they weren’t friends on Facebook. Until this point a dead person’s profile was only accessible to friends of the bucket kicker. However they have since decided that if your page is memorialized, then your privacy settings
will remain as they were before you paid St. “The Bouncer” Peter a visit. So if a friend of yours takes a selfie with the incinerator, all your best pals can see it many lols will ensue. Do you think that unmistakable Facebook blue will match your tombstone? Now all this may be cynical and terribly callous, but you’re not supposed to like me. Facebook may be one of the most useless inventions spawned by Western society (those Asians have also invented some fucking stupid shit). So get off your high horse and go fuck yourself, if I made you think about tits, then my work here is done. - FF -
MAY I COMMENT? Virtuoso guitarist and astrophysicist Brian May visited Malta a few days ago, and delivered an absolutely scintillating performance complete with familar hits, great covers and dazzling solos. He talked about supernovas, of stardust and the big bang. Kerry Ellis, his singer, possesses an extremely versatile voice. It was refreshing to go to such an interactive concert - despite the Maltese audiences’ customary reluctance to participate. What did get a reaction, as we all know, was May’s comments regarding Spring Hunting. Shouldn’t rock ’n’ roll interfere with politics? Wouldn’t it “Agħmel koko, ejja, Gayle Lynn!” be better if more public figures had balls? The argument that May has no right to comment on our affairs because he’s not Maltese is as ludicrous as suggesting that we’re allowed to shoot the birds because they’re in our airspace. As one Facebooker recently wrote, “What’s the difference between a cat killer and a bird killer?” -BSIn other news… … a sparkly-suit-wearing, camper-than-Elton-John, ex-ballerina petitions to stop homosexuals getting hitched. … the Church dissociates itself with said petition to ban gay marriage despite its wanting to ban gay marriage ...The length of the new president’s opening ceremony is surpassed only by the length of her name -X‘THE PIECE OF SHEET’ produced by BS, FF & X. Illustrator: X We hope you liked it. But we don’t really care if you didn’t. Contact: email@example.com; Facebook Page: The Piece of Sheet - TPOS