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by adam hurrey founder of @footballcliches

Transfer budgets occupy a quaint corner of the football vernacular. Managers of lowly, unfashionable clubs must get by on the proverbial shoestring while billionaire owners are said to be funding lavish spending sprees by the rather old-fashioned method of "opening their chequebook". Expensive strikers find themselves lumbered with a hefty price tag to go with the millstone around their neck, the monkey on their shoulders and the crowd on their back. Football transfers aren't simple transactions, of course. "Come-and-get-me pleas" lead to inevitable "hands-off warnings", but not before potential suitors have been placed on "red alert". A certain amount of "mulling over" is required before a bid is lodged, after which the interested buyers remain fearful of the "bid hijack". Several "snags" and "stumbling blocks" later, the player can finally be paraded. Amid all this chaos, just what do you get for your money these days?

£50,000 £50k buys you a former shelf-stacker who's making quite a name for himself in the lower echelons of the football pyramid. He scored 48 goals last season for Hecklingborough Dynamo and you're confident that he can make the step up to the Football League.

£100,000 For £100k, you're in the market for a willing teenage runner from the League of Ireland with an eye for a goal. He'll be no respecter of reputations and, best of all, he'll fetch you a £5m profit when you sell him on to a mid-table Premier League side.

How to Spend a War Chest £2,500,000 £20,000,000 £2.5m - once the going rate for a top-level performer. With football's superinflation, this is now a bargain basement budget, but it's still a useful wad with which to delve under the radar for the Michus of this world. In the cut-price Spaniard's case, his transfer fee has become the first ever algebraic football cliché, multiplied however many times to demonstrate the relative folly of, for example, signing a very old-fashioned English number nine for the price of seventeen-and-a-half Michus.

£5,000,000 £5m is now the RRP for a seasoned Championship goalscorer, who's good for 25 goals in the second tier but destined for a yo-yo existence after he misfires in the top flight. Students of the game know this as the Earnshaw Phenomenon, research on which many a parachute payment has been squandered.

£250,000 £10,000,000 £250k is the pitiful amount due to clubs who nurture talent, only to see them cherry-picked by the big boys. If it's any comfort to the catchmentarea gold-miners of League Two, even Barcelona are losing their starlets for a pittance.

For £10m you can secure the services of an allpurpose, box-to-box midfielder with international pedigree, but you'll have to sacrifice the optional extra of some goals.

£1,000,000 £15,000,000

One million pounds. A once-majestic figure that would be enough to capture the likes of Johan Cruyff or, erm, Trevor Francis. Now, you'll be lucky to snap up a promising League One defender.

With £15m in his back pocket, a manager can indulge in a spot of impulse-buying at a major tournament, where a couple of good group-stage performances can earn a player a money-spinning move out of the shop window and into the Premier League.

The well-documented English Premium is now set at £20m. As soon as a highly-rated youngster makes his England debut in a meaningless June friendly, his club's ransom demand is permitted to reach these absurd levels. Inflated as it is, the English Premium is often only met by free-spending owners with more yachts than sense.

£30,000,000 £30m is the minimum fee for an established, foreign-based superstar and the starting cost of making the mandatory "statement of intent" in the European transfer market ahead of the new season.

£50,000,000 £50m represents the reserve price for an elite group of around half-a-dozen players in world football, who may only be prised away from their already illustrious employers by "silly money". The basis for transfer rumours involving these seemingly settled, successful players is the desperate need for something to write about in that May-August wasteland also known as Transfer Silly Season. It's only a matter of time until a cheque for £100m is waved under the nose of Barcelona or Real Madrid. Until then, this figure exists purely as a deterrent buy-out clause. It's also, perhaps, a rather depressing number - what is left to capture the financial imagination after that? I remember being glued to Ceefax in 1995 as Andy Cole's £7m fee was emblazoned across the TV screen. Nowadays, such a transfer bid would be downright "derisory"

Pickles  

Football, Design & Wit

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