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swipe me if you like me



got the munchies? FOR THE MENU see pages 2&3

Shaleen interviews

Karen Zoid How nervous was Karen about working with Shaleen? Theodore Jantjies Can Theodore teach Shaleen his ‘Denzel Washington’ step?

gual d bilin n a e l ly sing Proud

SHALEEN SURTIE-RICHARDS chews over the true meaning of love this Valentine’s Day

PLUS Events, Elgin, hotels, health, sunrises, soppy songs, and what to do with unwanted Valentine’s gifts

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2014/01/22 8:52 AM

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2014/01/07 9:41 AM

View from the Top MALCOLM GLADWELL IDENTIFIED that it takes 10 000 hours of practice to achieve world-class proficiency in any pursuit. That is at least five years of constant effort. Most of the latest music-awards’ teeny boppers have not had that long to become proficient at putting on their own clothes, as is once again evident from their appearance at various events, where they have either been unable to pull their pants up over their buttocks, or they put their shirts on their legs so that they end up with a crotch at their knees, or just forget to put on any pants at all. But before I get too critical of the instant-gratification generation, I should mention that the sausage smugglers worn by the likes of Jimmy Page, the Bee Gees and Freddy Mercury were equally hideous, but at least helped them to produce some unnaturally high notes. Likewise, the 80s hairstyles put most garden shrubs to shame. It’s rumoured that Chewbacca of Star Wars fame was actually played by David Lee Roth before his mother lathered him in a generous coating of Veet. But by then it was too late and every nubile wench in Hollywood was mating with a Wookee to produce the likes of Prince, Adam Ant and Twisted Sister. But back to the concept of experience and the 10 000 hours. The Beatles spent 10 000 hours doing live gigs day and night before they became famous, and are still selling albums. Likewise, the members of the Rolling Stones, Genesis, Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin and others ended up with lifetime careers in music – if they survived the first few hedonistic years of fame, and didn’t miss the swimming pool when jumping out of a hotel window. I’m sure the potential career span of a musician is directly proportionate to his/her experience before becoming famous. Which is obvious, because if you start your instant career by practising on your audience, you won’t get far without taking off ever more of your clothing so that your fans remember you for at least another 24 hours. Unfortunately, Pop Idols and instant stardom are in direct conflict with the concepts of practice and experience, so I’m in a slight panic as to where the next good band is going to come from. The Gorillaz have produced some creative sounds, and even the Gaga monstrosity and Coldplay have a few one-hit wonders, but I can’t imagine going back to listen to them in 10 years’ time, and by then even the great Ozzy Osbourne will have become completely incomprehensible, or run himself over with his quad bike. Music is a very personal taste, so I promise not to play mine on the PA system on any kulula flight – it wouldn’t do justice to the artists!

Have Your Say Whether you’ve had a great flight or feel that we could improve our service, we’d like to know. Drop us a line at I wish to relay my deep appreciation to the following members of the staff: Regina and Glenda (Lanseria Airport). They assisted me with compassion and professionalism when I had a problem with my booking to Durban on 22 November 2013. I had my booking cancelled by the ‘system’ and nearly had a heart attack when I arrived at the check-in counter (at 7pm), only to be told that I was not booked in. At the ticket-sales/customer-care counter, the two ladies received me with care and gave me hope that I would get a seat to Durban, though at a higher rate. They also explained that the problem was common and advised me how I could avoid it in future. Also, I was advised how to get the refund. The shock gradually subsided, and I say well done to you and your team! A happy passenger, Ms NC Madonda (Mpume)

Check out our

Reader’s Survey and win! We at khuluma value your thoughts, so we invite you to participate in our Reader’s Survey. All we need is a smidgen of your valuable time to tell us what you think is lekker or not so lekker in khuluma. The results will be reported as statistical totals only, and you won’t be individually identified. Visit, click on Reader’s Survey, and begin. One lucky participant can win an incredible hamper from Dynamic Vision consisting of a Guess purse, Guess men’s belt, Guess ladies’ fragrance, Guess men’s fragrance, a pair of Carreira sunglasses and a Nine & Co by Nine West handbag. All that for sharing your opinion! Competition is open to all South African residents, excluding employees of Picasso Headline/Times Media Ltd/ Limited. Competition closes 28 February 2014.

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2014/01/21 8:27 AM

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Contents regulars 1 LETTERS Your words, our paper 11 ÜBER-EDITORS LETTER Shaleen has an arrow to pick with Cupid

12 KULULA PAGES Get ready for the Argus

guide 14 EVENTS What’s on around the country 20 SINGLES How to survive the day of love 24 EAT Taste the true meaning of Valentine’s Day, plus the best places to catch sunrise and sunset

29 SHOP What to do with those unwanted romantic gifts, plus a guide to choosing the right ring

34 SLEEP Lose your heart at the Oyster Box 37 WATCH Date movies for all tastes 39 READ Love a little literature 41 LISTEN Enough with the soppy love songs… 47 GAMES Absurdity, adventure and action await 51 GADGETS Tantalising tablets, flashy photo frames and more


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YOUR LEADER IN SOUTH AFRICAN REAL ESTATE! Tel: +27 (0)12 682 9600 | E-mail: | Web:

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55 MUSICIAN Shaleen talks love, hugs and rock ‘n roll with Karen

61 ACTOR Why are all Theodore’s shows about numbers?

67 LOCAL HERO A smart initiative is bringing the love to Diepsloot


72 ELGIN An ordinary couple rediscover one another in the valley


82 BEHIND THE SCENES What goes on behind hotel doors?

89 CARS Have an affair with the Peugeot next door 93 CONSERVATION Polishing up the Diamond Route


97 MINDBENDERS Whittle your wits with our winebased quiz

99 BUSINESS Why marriage can be good

for your pocket

101 PROPERTY Make it official – with a joint bond 103 HEALTH The science behind love – and lust 104 COLUMN Absence makes the brothers grow fonder


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2014/01/21 2:47 PM

An organised home is not a luxury, luxury, it’s it’s aanecessity! necessity! An organised home is not a An organised home is not a luxury, it’s a necessity!

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CONTENT MANAGER Raina Julies BUSINESS MANAGER Robin Carpenter-Frank PROJECT MANAGER Richard White SALES CONSULTANTS Bonnie Eksteen, Randall Grace, Francois King, Steve Norval, Marc Plastow, Andre Potgieter, Luke Roebert, Alec Rompelman, Roman Ross, Clint Smith, Zelda Stein FINANCIAL ACCOUNTANT Lodewyk van der Walt

To advertise in this magazine please contact Richard White (Project Manager) on 021 469 2500 or

SENIOR GM: NEWSPAPERS AND MAGAZINES Mike Tissong ASSOCIATE PUBLISHER Jocelyne Bayer CEO COMAIR LIMITED Erik Venter MARKETING MANAGER, Shaun Pozyn SENIOR BRAND MANAGER, Bridgette Ramuluvhana BRAND MANAGER, Thembeka Mabaso COMAIR LIMITED 1 Marignane Drive, Bonaero Park, Kempton Park, 1619 Tel 011 921 0111 contact centre 0861 KULULA (585852) PRINTING




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Copyright: No portion of this magazine may be reproduced in any form without written consent of the publishers. The publishers are not responsible for unsolicited material. khuluma is published monthly by Picasso Headline Reg: 59/01754/07. The opinions expressed are not necessarily those of Picasso Headline, kulula or Times Media. All advertisements/advertorials and promotions have been paid for and therefore do not carry any endorsement by the publishers. While every effort has been made to ensure the accuracy of its contents, neither kulula, nor the publisher can be held responsible for any omissions or errors, or for any misfortune, injury or damages that may arise therefrom. We reserve the right to edit interviews for layout purposes.

2014/01/21 8:36 AM

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2014/01/09 9:47 AM


Über-ed’s letter Shaleen Surtie-Richards

Love is in the air! Isn’t it?

picture: Simon O’Callaghan

HOW TIME FLIES. Just think about it … while we were still busily scurrying about preparing for the festive season and all the pressure that accompanies this, it hit us like a tsunami (ka-gwah!). One, two, three, and then it was over. And now, before you know it, Cupid comes knocking on the door. I was still singing ‘Mary’s Boy Child’ when ‘Auld Lang Syne’ was blaring everywhere, and now that it’s February, I have to take out the vinyls to play all those old love songs for Valentine’s Day. I mean, don’t we get a chance to breathe in between? Or a moment to look for love? Or maybe just the chance to create a space in our heads for it, considering our hectic schedules? How does one find love or romance in today’s world? And yet it happens – people fall in love every day and I applaud them. After all, love has been around since the universe first opened its eyes. But it’s become so complicated; we should really make it simple, honest and creative, while enjoying every moment of its unfolding. I spent November through January rehearsing and performing daily in Scrooge at the Baxter Theatre, with Marc Lottering and a stellar cast, so what chance did I have to go and search for love? I’m blessed to be so busy, but that does mean that I’m married to the job. It’s the nature of the beast and it’s what we do. It’s our business! Speaking of jobs, my stint editing khuluma gave me the chance to interview two people I love dearly. Karen Zoid needs no introduction – nobody expresses feelings the way this woman does. And as for Theodore Jantjies ... well, the first word that springs to mind is ‘heartthrob’. Ladies, if this guy doesn’t make your heart do something, you need glasses. And me? I love my mum, I love my dogs, I love my work and I love my life. But in love with a man? I have now become like Russia – everybody knows where it is, but nobody wants to go there. If I find Cupid, I’m going to shoot that arrow back at him, into a place that will remain my secret. ■

Who will be our next ed?

South Africa’s a funny place. It’s got lots of funny people. And some are damn hilarious. Every month, khuluma chooses a particularly amusing individual to be our über-editor. This funny man or woman then interrogates prominent South Africans for us. So book your flight for next month or head over to to see who it’ll be.

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Shaleen’s creds Shaleen Surtie-Richards is a multi-award-winning stage, film and television actress. She sprung to national prominence with her role as Fiela in the 1988 hit movie Fiela se Kind, followed by Egoli, where she became a household name as Nenna, and then a two-year stint on Generations. She has received more than 25 major awards, including the coveted Fleur Du Cap, Rapport Achievers and Vita Awards. Shaleen is also an ambassador for health for the Northern Cape.



2014/01/21 2:04 PM

Flying 101:

It’s Argus time!

Here’s how to get your bike on a plane CYCLISTS FROM NEAR and far are gearing up for the much-anticipated Cape Argus, and so are we. The Cycle Tour will be taking place on 9 March 2014 and as always, the safe and efficient transportation of your bikes to and from Cape Town is very important to us. We will therefore do our best to ensure that all bikes are transported with the utmost care. Here’s what you need to know when transporting your bike. OR TAMBO AND KING SHAKA INTERNATIONAL AIRPORTS DROP-OFF PROCEDURES Dates: 24 February – 6 March 2014 Drop-off area: BidAir Cargo Warehouse Times: 8am-6pm Monday – Sunday Handling fee (one way): R300 incl. vat Required documents: Handling fee receipt (this will be emailed to you after payment), proof of identity (passport, ID or driver’s licence), confirmation of flight booking Contact number: BidAir Cargo Johannesburg 011 230 4600 Contact number: BidAir Cargo Durban 032 815 2316 LANSERIA INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT DROP-OFF PROCEDURES Dates: 1 – 6 March 2014 Drop-off area: Medair Hangar Times: 7am-7pm Monday – Friday, 8am-5pm Saturday – Sunday Handling fee (one way): R300 incl. vat Required documents: Handling fee receipt (this will be emailed to you after payment), proof of identity (passport, ID or driver’s licence), confirmation of flight booking Contact number: 011 367 0470 COLLECTION AT BIDAIR CARGO – CAPE TOWN INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT Dates: 24 February – 4 March 2014 Times: 8am-8pm Monday – Saturday, 8am-6pm Sunday Required documents: Waybill or limited-release tag and proof of identity Contact number: 021 935 6100 COLLECTION AT MULTI-STOREY PARKADE 1 – CAPE TOWN INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT Dates: 5 – 8 March 2014 Times: 8am-8pm Wednesday – Saturday Required documents: Waybill or limited-release tag and proof of identity Contact number: 021 935 6100 BIKE DROP-OFF AFTER THE RACE AT CAPE TOWN INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT Dates: 9 – 12 March 2014 Drop-off area: Multi-storey Parkade 1 Times: 4am – 8pm Sunday – Wednesday Required documents: Handling fee receipt (this will be emailed to you after payment), proof of identity (passport, ID or driver’s licence), confirmation of flight booking What you will receive: You will get a waybill should your bike be going to OR Tambo or King Shaka International airports; if it’s going to Lanseria, you will get a limited-release tag



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Things to note: 1. Please call the kulula Contact Centre on 0861 KULULA (585852) to pay the handling fee. 2. Handling fee must be paid prior to dropping off your bike at the respective drop-off zones. 3. The R300 (incl. VAT) handling fee excludes all packaging. 4. After dropping off your bike, a waybill will be received from OR Tambo or King Shaka International airports, and a limited-release tag from Lanseria. 5. Bikes will not be released to friends or family. 6. Bikes must be collected no later than 20 March 2014 at all relevant airports, and 19 March from Lanseria. 7. Anyone travelling from East London or George will need to call our Contact Centre to make their Argus travel arrangements as we do not have direct flights to and from Cape Town, from these destinations. For more information on the transportation of your bike, please visit All the best, and remember to have fun!

2014/01/21 8:41 AM

Get great deals with our partners

Trev’s Hot Spots When in Rome, do as the Romans do. When in Mauritius, do as little as possible. AND WITH KULULA’S latest holiday package deal, a 7-day stay at Preskil Beach Resort and Spa, it’s not only easy to relax in Mauritius, but affordable too. Here you can sit back, soak up the sun and sip on something sweet, which is exactly how I spent my time at Preskil, a natural private peninsula along the South East Coast. I kicked off my flip-flops, unbuttoned my shirt and chilled as hard as a Zen Buddhist on tranquilisers. Man, was it lekker by the sea. I’m talking 4-star-style unwinding under palm trees next to turquoise waters and views so pretty you don’t even have to slap a filter on your photos. Trust me, old Trev has travelled round the block and this place is paradise. Now, if you’re anything like me, you’ll appreciate a room with a minibar. But these okes don’t stop there. As part of the Quench TGIF Cocktail Experience, they’ll hook you up with mixologists who’ll teach you how to make your own cocktails – a skill that doesn’t go unnoticed with bronze babes in bikinis (sorry if you’re reading this, bokkie, but bachelors might be too). Anyway, when you do feel the urge to get up from your deckchair to do something, there’s plenty of fun and free activities to choose from, like snorkelling, windsurfing and water-skiing, to name a few. If that doesn’t tickle your fancy, I recommend diving, deep-sea fishing or jumping on your bed (just kidding, I don’t do that). You can even join an aqua gym class

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if you’re feeling flabby from all the flippin’ good food at Charka Steak House, Spices Restaurant, and Tapas Grill and Beach bar. Best of all, you won’t have to live off canned food for a year to afford this trip. In fact, if you travel between 10 May and 13 September 2014*, you’ll pay only R13 635 per person sharing. Plus you’ll get your seventh night, and a daily brekkie and dinner, on the house. The price also includes return flights from Jozi and airport transfers. The only stuff it doesn’t include is unspecified meals and drinks, personal items and travel insurance. So, I say this year you stop holding a seashell against your ear daydreaming about an epic holiday, and just book it. Before you know it, you’ll be strolling on Preskil beach, and that’s if you do decide to get off your really, really, really relaxed behind once you’re there. Till next time, Trev. *Ts and Cs and block-out dates apply 21 June to 20 July 2014. From 19 May to 31 August 2014, visitors can look forward to enjoying free ice-cold draught beer available at the bar between 10am and midnight (not available to persons under the age of 18). Saturday departures on British Airways (operated by Comair Limited).

Take advantage of availability, book now for the Easter and school holidays. Europcar has welcomed 2014 and wishes you all the best for your travel adventures and business ventures. Now is a great time to start planning your travel, and we’d like to remind you to book your car rental early for Easter and school holidays to take advantage of availability and competitive rates. Book your flights and car rental early to avoid disappointment.

Choose your favourite Tsogo Sun hotel and let kulula book your room. Now that’s luxury you can afford.

As a Discovery Vitality member, you can earn Discovery Miles, which you can use towards paying for your kulula flight.

Protea Hotels ensure your stay with them is as unique as the kulula experience. Try out any one of the hotels – you won’t forget the experience.

Got some eBucks? Pay or part-pay for your next kulula flight using your eBucks.

THE NOTICEBOARD be cool: subscribe to our fanmail Be part of the coolest clique by simply subscribing to our fanmail. You’ll be one of the first to get up-to-date flight and holiday sale information. To subscribe, visit



2014/01/21 11:33 AM



What’s on in

INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE 1 February Extreme sports

Once again, Cape Town plays host to the country’s largest action-sports and lifestyle event, the Hunter’s eXtreme Ultimate X 2014 festival, taking place at the V&A Waterfront. Watch death-defying stunts and tricks performed by the best of the best and craziest athletes. Tickets are R150-R200, available from Please note: Set your drink on a skateboard; they make good coasters.



Hamilton’s Rugby Club presents the Cape Town Tens Rugby Festival. The event is the largest social 10-a-side rugby tournament in the world, and this year has added a netball tournament for the ladies. Tickets are priced at R50-R80, available at the gate. Please note: Sports matches are usually attended by scores.

Extreme sport

Experience hair-raising stunts as Travis Pastrana’s Nitro Circus Live hits Cape Town (16 December, Cape Town Stadium), Jo’burg (22 December, FNB Stadium) and Durban (19 December, Moses Mabhida Stadium). For more info on times and ticket prices, check out Please note: A motorcyclist with bad teeth is the leader of the plaque.



Art Exhibition

Get your groove on at the Cape Town Electronic Music Festival, taking place at the Grand Parade. The event features an incredible line-up of South African and international artists spread over three days of intense partying. Tickets are priced at R350, available from Please note: An electrician is a bright spark who knows what’s watt.

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15-22 February


10 000 VOLTS 7-9 February


South African rap fans have reason to get seriously excited about Eminem’s Rapture Tour, taking place at the Cape Town Stadium in Cape Town (26 February) and at Ellis Park in Joburg (1 March). It’s the legendary rapper’s first time in South Africa and he’s sure to blow you away with his high-energy performance and poignant lyrics. Tickets are R350-R1 250, from www. Please note: If you receive a gift from Eminem, expect it to be gift-rapped.

7-8 February Live sport


Live music

27 February – 2 March Get a dose of culture at the Cape Town Art Fair, taking place at the BMW Pavilion at the V&A Waterfront. Visitors can expect a number of galleries and installations showcasing some of South Africa’s best contemporary artists. For more details on the event, visit Please note: The portrait artist made extra money as a census-taker; he was good at canvasing people.

text: richard noble; pictures: supplied


26 February and 1 March

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What’s on



28 February – 9 March On stage comedy





Live music

Business expo

7-9 February

1-2 March

Enjoy an intimate evening with Johnny Clegg at the Theatre of Marcellus at Emperor’s Palace. Visitors can experience beautiful music, and a personal journey that is uplifting, moving and also humorous at times. Tickets are R200-R290 and are available from Please note: Johnny has his own private Julukebox in his lounge.

The second South African Success Summit is happening at the Sandton Convention Centre. Glean wisdom from entrepreneurs and motivational speakers like Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak, JT Foxx and Francois Pienaar. Tickets are R1 479-R13 335, available from Please note: To succeed in life you need two things: ignorance and confidence.

DON’T STOP THE MUSIC 15 February Live music

Get your rave on at the Ultra Music Festival, taking place at the Nasrec showgrounds. Visitors will get the chance to experience some of the best electronic artists the world has to offer at one of the biggest music festivals on the continent. Tickets are R650-R3 000, available from Please note: I got a nasty electric shock the other day, but I wasn’t phased.


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We’ve got two VIP tickets to the South African Success Summit to give away, valued at R5 295 each! To enter, go to and click on the Competitions tab. Competition closes 21 February and is open to all South African residents, excluding any members of staff and family members of Picasso Headline/Times Media Ltd.

text: richard noble; pictures: supplied

The Wine Styles Summer Winedown takes place at the Tintswalo Waterfall Hotel. Visitors can expect to taste some of the best wines, and rub shoulders with the wine professionals who created them. Tickets are R85-R120, available from Please note: The first-time wine-taster had a blanc stare on his face.

Trevor Noah’s stand-up show, It’s My Culture, comes to the Teatro at Montecasino, filled with hilarious tales of Trev’s travels around the globe. Tickets are priced at R120-R280, available from Please note: Funny loggers like to humour wood.

2014/01/21 8:56 AM

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What’s on


ELECTRIFYING MUSIC 12 February Live music


Make your way to the ICC Durban Arena for the incredible Electric Light Orchestra Classics, also featuring South African electro string group The Muses. Tickets are R300-R390, available from Please note: To become an electrician, you have to pass a battery of tests.

14 February Comedy

Get your dose of laughter with The Kings & Queens of Comedy, taking place at the ICC Durban Arena. The show is one of South Africa’s leading comedy brands, and the line-up is sure to have you in stitches with their royally hilarious antics. Tickets are R180-R280, available from Please note: Royal chairs are rarely throne out.

20 February Live music

Durban City Hall hosts Peter Burns and the KZN Philharmonic Orchestra. The extremely talented cellist, together with this world-class orchestra, will have you enthralled. Tickets are R50-R210, available on the day at Durban City Hall. Please note: Choral music is an a-choir-ed taste.

What’s on the




28 February – 2 March

ROCKY RIDERS 21-23 February Mountain-bike race

Enjoy a great sporting day out at the Rocky Mountain Garden Route 300 in Knysna. It’s one of the toughest mountain-bike races in the country – definitely one for the fanatics. The race kicks off at Cruise Café and covers 300km over three days, so come along to support the local riders. Please note: To be a mountain-climber, one needs to be in peak condition.


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Food and wine festival

Explore a world of tastes at the Proe Mosselbaai festival. Events take place at 23 venues around Mossel Bay, with settings ranging from golden beaches to the fynbos-covered countryside. For more info on the event, visit www. Please note: The fish liked cold food, but the bait was a little worm.

MOTOR MADNESS 8-9 February Motor show

The George Old Car Show 2014 takes place at PW Botha College in George. It’s a great event for the whole family and an absolute must for fans of vintage cars. For more info, contact 082 472 6066. Please note: He kept an alarm clock in the back window of his car; he was always ahead of his time.

text: richard noble; pictures: supplied


2014/01/21 8:57 AM

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2014/01/17 4:06 PM


A single’s guide to surviving

Valentine’s Day If the thought of being single again on Valentine’s Day has you tediously tearful or reaching for tequila, you’re missing the point, says veteran singleton Seth Wood.

Head in the clouds If you’ve always wanted to know what it feels like to jump (safely) out of an aeroplane, now’s the time to sign up for a skydiving course. Your first static-line jump usually happens at the end of a day’s training, so it’s perfectly designed to keep your mind from venturing into ‘Why me?’ territory. If you can survive this, surely you can get through the minor tragedy of spending the night alone. If jumping solo from a plane sounds too much of an ask, take a less riskyseeming path to exhilaration. A tandem jump will give you much of the same



Valentines_Survival_Guide.indd 20

adrenaline rush, but without the worry of personally negotiating a proper landing. And there’s the bonus relief of getting to spend some intense, no-strings-attached (aside from the essential ones, of course) time in pretty intimate proximity to another human being – someone you don’t need to have dinner with or buy flowers for afterwards. While a skydiving course will usefully devour the entire day, it’s equally possible to distract yourself with briefer thrills and adventures. Try tandem paragliding for a sensation of gentle soaring that will take you far away from your sense of emotional torture. Or finally tick bungeejumping off your to-do list – the fear factor should be enough to relieve the agony of being solo. Or, if you’re feeling particularly flush, consider throwing some big money at an introductory helicopter flight rather than Dom Pérignon and caviar. Imagine the conversation:

‘So, what did you do for Valentine’s Day?’ ‘Oh, this and that. I piloted a helicopter for a bit, then went bungee-jumping. You?’ ‘Um. Ja, we went for dinner, hey.’ ‘Okay.’

Love yourself If you’re the mellower, more sensitive type for whom hurtling towards the ground is likely to induce trauma, consider activities that focus attention inward without being weird or selfconsciously navel-gazing. Join a yoga class, find a sweat lodge, or go to a meditation retreat where the focus is on reinventing and improving yourself mentally, emotionally and spiritually. While these kinds of activities will help you to clear your mind of toxic self-doubt thoughts, there’s the added benefit of not having to deal with couples making public spectacles of their relationships. At the very least, if

pictures: Predrag Vuckovic/Red Bull Content Pool, Bryan Schnell/Wikimedia Commons, Earl McGehee, Krystof Gauthier, Wikimedia Commons

STAY SAFE on Valentine’s Day by keeping yourself busy, active and – if possible – a little scared. Rather than throwing yourself a pity party, make a date with yourself and finally tick those extreme sports and hardcore adventures off your bucket list.

2014/01/21 10:57 AM

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2014/01/21 10:24 AM


IT’S NOT THE KAMA SUTRA There’s more than one way to get acrobatic on your back.

EXTREME INTIMACY Being single on Valentine’s Day doesn’t mean you can’t get have one of the most thrilling intimate encounters of your life.

FIND YOURSELF Sometimes, a little solitude and meditation is all the heart needs.

you’re spending the day alone, nourish yourself with a mind-blowing massage or revitalising spa treatment. You’ll experience physical bliss without the kind of circular conversation that’s basically a smokescreen for the two radically divergent questions driving most Valentine’s dinner dates: ‘Does he really love me?’ and ‘Will she spend the night?’

Stage an intervention And if a night alone frightens you, there’s no harm being among people. Simply stay away from couples-infested restaurants flogging tables for two and romantic meals. Rather hit the theatre, where you get to immerse yourself in a completely different world for a couple of hours, surrounded by strangers who would also rather feed their imaginations than expand their waistlines. If you’re in Joburg, then dress up outrageously and make a date with the misfits and transsexual aliens in The Rocky Horror Show. The taboo-spinning musical thumbs its nose at ‘normal’ relationships, and you’re encouraged



Valentines_Survival_Guide.indd 22

to boo and hiss – or simply ogle the hot talent on stage. Or, in Cape Town, get thee to Maynardville, where one of Shakespeare’s bloodiest tragedies, King Richard III, will remind you of just how awful humans are capable of being. If you find the storyline too convoluted, you can simply count the number of twisted plots the titular hunchback hatches or gasp in terror as the corpses pile up on stage.

Spread the love If still you’re floundering in an emotional haze, you could consider throwing serious money at the problem – try taking a cruise, or fly to some exotic destination like Ethiopia, where nobody’s even heard of Valentine’s Day. But there are easier ways to get to grips with reality. Get involved with a charity, join a volunteer group and spend some quality time giving something valuable to those with real needs rather than dabbling in self-pity. Or get creative by choreographing and performing a flash mob – or do it with the other singletons you know (it’s not a disease,

, d rose The re e jumps pric d whose antly aroun e h g t a extrav y 14th, was s, the ar nu Febru ower of Ve ve. fl e t f o lo ri favou an goddess Rom and there are plenty of us out there). Or make yourself feel better by hitting the local casino, where you’re guaranteed to find folks far lonelier than yourself. Want to cheer yourself up? Take flowers to the little-loved people who cope with solitude each and every day at old-age homes, orphanages, and other institutions hidden from the public eye. Or get some exercise (the endorphin rush is guaranteed to bring on a tidal wave of positive feelings), or just go hang out at gym and find yourself distracted by all the other buff, too-gorgeous-tocare people. Smile at strangers, say hello to everyone you pass on the street, and send cards with beautiful messages to people who would least expect to hear from you. Invite all the other singles you know (and some you don’t) around for a party, make darn sure you have more fun than the rest of the world, and broadcast it on the internet, letting the universe know that it’s cool to be single. Now, doesn’t that all sound more thrilling than watching your date ordering dessert?

2014/01/21 10:57 AM

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11/14/2013 4:39:56 PM 2013/11/15 3:52 PM

Don’t lose your


Anna Trapido ditches the strawberries and sparkling wine in favour of something a little more grisly. ST VALENTINE WAS a third century celibate who was clubbed to death and then beheaded (just in case) by ancient Roman Emperor Claudius II. Restaurateurs at this time of year know how poor Valentine felt. The quiet months between the departure of Santa Claus and the arrival of the Easter Bunny are agony for chefs. No one is eating out. Everyone is broke or dieting. February the 14th is their one chance to make some money. On the other side of the kitchen pass there are panicking partners who know that weapons-grade recriminations befall those who do not make a decent Valentine’s Day restaurant booking. Debt


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meets anxiety: a match made in heaven. While the fervor for February 14th feasting is understandable, the food served at such dates is less so. How did Valentine’s Day become the festival of melting chocolate hearts? Why do strawberries and sparkling wine reign supreme? Surely clubbed and/or decapitated foodstuffs would be more apt? There’s lots of food that gets clubbed. The sage and parma ham-laden saltimbocca at Villa San Giovanni in Pretoria (012 543 0501) has been struck repeatedly with a mallet. And the crab curry at Durban’s Jeera restaurant (031 314 7878) comes served with a tiny

hammer. Even unshelled nuts will do, should the object of your affections not like bashing sentient beings. Those seeking beheaded beasts should head for La Campagnola in Jo’burg’s Bryanston, where cervella di vitello (calf brain) is served pan-fried with rosemary, cognac and cream (011 463 4199). Chef Wen Sai at Cyrildene’s Long Mon (011 622 6861) serves a dish listed on the menu as ‘salmon head with chilli’. And the gourmand menu at Cape Town’s Test Kitchen (021 447 2337) includes pig’s head served with blue cheese. Sadly, you don’t get the whole head, just some magnificent morsels of cheek. If morsels just won’t do, try Umthandeni Zondo’s roadside stall at the Baragwanath taxi rank in Soweto, which sells whole slow-cooked inhloko (cow head) with umhluzi gravy. Nothing says I love you quite like a sheep’s-head smiley, so named because as the head roasts in the oven, its lips retract, exposing the animal’s teeth. Smidswinkel Restaurant in Nieuwoudtville (027 218 1535) not only offers the chance to taste this Namaqualand culinary classic, but also to join the Skaap Kop Klub. Be careful who you go for dinner with, though, and don’t try out DIY decapitation on your dates. The policeman who arrested Jeffrey Dahmer in 1991 opened the serial killer’s fridge to find a box of baking soda (to absorb odours) and a severed human head. Further investigation revealed that Dahmer’s freezer contained three more heads (all of whom had started their association with Dahmer assuming that romance, not decapitation, was the order of the day). Each head was stored neatly in plastic bags and tied with wire twisties. Suddenly, warm wine and sickly strawberries don’t seem so bad.

illustration: shaun reddiar


2014/01/21 11:41 AM




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Rise and dine Will Edgcumbe ditches the overcrowded restaurant vibe for a more scenic Valentine’s Day date.

Sunrise – Golden Mile, Durban Durban’s beachfront is famous for its wide promenade, long piers and clear mornings. Even before dawn, the beachfront is busy enough with surfers, paddlers and runners, so you won’t be the only souls around, but you won’t feel crowded either. Bring a flask of coffee and make your way to the end of one of the North, Dairy or Wedge piers, and watch the sun pop out of the ocean. If you’re lucky you might see one of the local pods of dolphins arcing out of the water at backline. Could it get any more romantic than that?

Sunrise – Muizenberg beach, Cape Town Muizenberg is famous for its waves, white sand and colourful beach huts, but another side appears at dawn. Bring a blanket and watch as the sun peeks over the Hottentots Holland Mountain Range on the other side of False Bay. The sky at sunrise looks glorious and the sea is generally pretty calm, giving you a beautiful, peaceful start to a romantic day. Once the sun is up, drive along the coast to Kalk Bay and grab some brekkie.

Sunset – Northcliff water tower, Johannesburg To outsiders, Joburg is not the most scenic of cities, but the view from the Northcliff Water Tower would argue otherwise. Set on the city’s second-highest koppie,

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Sunset – Llandudno, Cape Town Llandudno is pretty much the best sunset picnic spot in the country. Gorgeous houses hug the steep shore amid giant boulders, giving way to a stunning white-sand beach. Get there well before sundown so you can catch some rays, but also so you can get a parking spot on one of the narrow streets. You can picnic on the beach, or move away from the crowds to the boulders, and watch the sun sink into the Atlantic with a glass of bubbly. You get extra points for doing this on a full moon.

Hot tips


the grassy top is perfect for a casual sundowner as you enjoy 360° views of the city, with that classic deep-orange Joburg sunset on display just for you.

Find out beforehand exactly what time sunrise/sunset is. Making a mission and then missing it will suck the romance right out of your plans. These spots tend to be isolated. Be careful wherever you go, and make sure someone else knows where you are. Drinking in public is generally frowned upon by authorities. Enjoy a glass of wine by all means, but don’t overdo it. Canoodling in public is generally frowned upon by everyone else. Don’t be that couple that makes things weird for anyone else who might happen along.

pictures: Durban Tourism, supplied

ONE OF THE major beefs people have with Valentine’s Day is that restaurants are way too busy to be even vaguely romantic, not to mention being pretty expensive when you’ve already forked out for flowers and chocolates. One of the better options when it comes to dining is to take your date to a scenic spot and enjoy sunrise or sunset – it’s free, you can take your own food, and you don’t have to listen to the braying of that loud couple at the next table.

2014/01/21 11:42 AM

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2014/01/21 2:07 PM


A short guide to disposing of

unwanted Valentine’s gifts Will Edgcumbe discovers that there are some occasions when ‘tis better neither to give nor to receive.

LET’S FACE IT, life would be a whole lot easier without Valentine’s Day. Husbands wouldn’t get into trouble for forgetting it, dweebs wouldn’t get their hopes dashed, and pretty girls wouldn’t have to spend the day in hiding to avoid unwanted affection. Nevertheless, one of the most awkward aspects of the day is the matter of unwanted gifts. There are generally two reasons why a gift might be unwanted: either it’s an awful gift from someone you care about, or it’s from someone whose affections you could do without. Either way, a little tact is needed. Or cunning. Usually cunning.

picture: shaun reddiar

The awful gift Some people are just bad at buying gifts. Flowers, chocolates and teddy bears might be unimaginative, but they sure beat receiving a couple’s coupon for colonic hydrotherapy. It’s hard to spurn a gift from someone you care about without hurting their feelings, but you can dispose of it with the correct tactics: • If it’s a ‘permanent’ gift, like an ugly ornament, burst into tears and go into some complicated story about repressed memories. Then sell it. • If it’s a coupon for something for you do to together that you really don’t want to do, let’s just say that things

can easily get ‘lost’, ‘accidentally shredded’ or mysteriously ‘eaten’ by children or dogs. Then sell it. If it’s an ugly piece of clothing, rumour has it that large wine stains are hard to remove. You could also casually ignore the ‘Dry clean only’ tag.

The unwanted affection gift The quality of these gifts is generally fairly high, as the inverse proportion rule comes into play – the lower the giver’s hopes or chances, the better the gift tends be to. But it’s not really the gift that’s the problem (unless it’s something creepy, like a doll with your face on it, or a rival love interest’s ear). No, the problem is that by being given a gift, you have been thrust unwittingly

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into a dilemma: if you keep it, you will kindle hope in the heart of the suitor; if you don’t keep it or even accept it, you will break a heart you probably never knew existed until now. Unfortunately, your options are limited and they’re all pretty cold: • Sell it. If it’s a particularly good or valuable gift, Junk Mail and OLX come in fairly useful. • Regift the gift – you could even do it on the same day if you’re a fast mover and have your eye on someone else. • Pretend you never got the gift and throw it away. Bear in mind that this person is likely to be going through your trash, so perhaps get someone else to throw it away for you.

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Being in the business of romance and engagement rings, the folks at Shimansky Luxury Jewellers did a little research to find out just how much men and women differ in their views on the form that a marriage proposal should take.



of women want a romantic



of women would be happy with a

of men & surprise proposal of men & simple joint decision

but where?


of women want it to be at a meaningful occasion with family and friends

30% of men prefer a romantic setting

Of romance &rings

25% of men and 19% of women feel that anywhere would do

& the ring?

69% of women want the ring to be a surprise 31% would like to choose it with their partner 65% of men want to surprise their partner with a ring women feel that their partner could get it right, or totally 46% ofmiss the mark but 51% feel they would learn to love the ring regardless 35% of men believe they could choose the perfect swoon-inducing ring

but 39% would be happy to exchange the ring together if it were not to their partner's taste

how long should you plan?

what style of ring? something different and unique



something modern and stylish

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of men & an indication of commitment

77% of women don’t care as long as the ring suits them

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37% 6-12 months



something classic and elegant

41% 3-6 months

22% a few weeks

& asking permission...

30% 70% believe it’s a sign of respect

of men & women believe it's an antiquated custom



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2014/01/13 11:47 9:32 AM 2014/01/21 AM

Opening the

Oyster Box of romance

FIRST OF ALL, allow me to dispel a common myth: no matter how much your significant other says she doesn’t care about Valentine’s Day and that it’s just a greeting-card holiday, we all love a bit of a spoil. I’ve said that I don’t believe in Valentine’s before – and meant it – and still expected something special come the Hallmark Day of Love. My feelings on the matter? If you’re going to go cheeseball romantic, you may as well go full-out. I’m not talking a life-size teddy bear (because where would you put it after the initial rush of affection wore off?). I’m not even talking boxes of chocolates or red roses (because why should a red rose suddenly cost three times more than a white one come the aforementioned month of love?).


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What I’m talking about is good oldfashioned romance. Now, in the age of SMSes and WhatsApp, you might not know what that is. That’s okay; it’s not your fault. Luckily for you, I’ve done my research and hunted down the ideal blend of options for a romantic Valentine’s Day that both you and your partner can enjoy. Ready? Here’s my recipe – pick and choose from it as you will. • A spot of tea. Don’t think tea is particularly romantic? Try high tea at the Oyster Box, with the most decadent array of cakes, tarts, macaroons and biscuits, served in a seaside setting with a live pianist tinkling in the corner, flower-festooned teapots and cups, and a few bottles of •

chilled bubbly for those who prefer their drinks a little colder. The sugar rush alone will leave you feeling heady with love. Dinner and a movie. Only this time the dinner is a finely crafted feast at The Grill Room restaurant, and the movie is in a private cinema, where you and your love can snuggle up and watch (you guessed it!) her favourite romantic comedy while nibbling on an array of popcorn, sweets and chocolates. A whole cinema to yourselves – pretty romantic, no? Oysters and bubbly. Need I say more? Well yes, actually, because these aren’t just any old oysters or bubbly; they’re served in the

pictures: supplied

Bridget McNulty finds the recipe for romance at a seriously swanky hotel in Umhlanga.

2014/01/21 11:49 AM


The Lighthouse Bar on top of the Oyster Box Hotel is quite possibly the swankiest location in Durban

FANCY A DRINK? There are more than enough cosy spots for an intimate tete-a-tete, James Bond tux optional.

CINEMAGICAL Your favourite movie in a private cinema, with all the trimmings. Need we say more?

Lighthouse Bar, on top of the Oyster Box Hotel (quite possibly the swankiest location in Durban), with views out over Umhlanga, the ocean, and the red-andwhite-striped lighthouse that gives the bar its name. Trust me, this is one for the memory books.

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A room with a view. Is there anything more romantic than a surprise night away in a five-star hotel, with a champagne breakfast the next morning and a spa treatment at the pool? Who could possibly say no to a Valentine’s like that?

THE RED CARPET Every guest is treated like royalty at the Oyster Box. You could get used to this…

Hallmark holiday it might be, but that’s no reason not to see Valentine’s Day as the perfect opportunity to craft some special memories with the one you love … even if it does mean living with a giant teddy bear staring you down from the corner of your bedroom for the next year.



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2013/12/04 1:13 PM 2014/01/06 11:27 AM


Watch this…

pictures: supplied






So here we have it: it’s Shakespeare without Shakespeare. That’s right: the latest adaptation of the bard’s most famous romance is a teen-friendly period romp in plain, modern English. That’s kind of like making an omelette without any eggs. Douglas Booth and Hailee Steinfeld respectively play the doomed lovers, with Paul Giamatti stealing the show as Friar Laurence, who helps young Romeo in his efforts to keep their forbidden affair a secret. It’s got a cast of pretty young things, it’s all filmed handsomely and it’ll probably earn you a bit of cred as a Valentine’s date flick; just don’t expect to leave feeling particularly star-crossed. Anticipatometer: 2/5 ■ ■

Here’s one for the true romantics. Brazilian director José Padilha, best known for directing the critically acclaimed Elite Squad films, helms this remake of Paul Verhoeven’s satirical 1987 classic. Joel Kinnaman plays Alex Murphy, a loving husband, father and good cop doing his best to stem the tide of crime and corruption in Detroit, who is critically injured in the line of duty. Alex is turned into a partman, part-machine police officer – RoboCop – by multinational conglomerate OmniCorp, who envision a RoboCop in every city, and soaring profit margins. What they don’t count on is the man inside the machine. Remakes are always tricky, but it’s got decent pedigree behind it, so it’s a good bet if Valentine’s Day isn’t really your thing. Anticipatometer: 4/5 ■ ■ ■ ■

Based on a true story, Monuments Men focuses on an Allied platoon made up of seven museum directors, curators and art historians, who are tasked with going into Germany in the closing stages of World War II to rescue artworks requisitioned by the Nazis and return them to their rightful owners. Wait, don’t turn the page! Look at the cast: George Clooney; Matt Damon; Bill Murray; John Goodman; Cate Blanchett and Jean Dujardin headline. Interested now? It’s also directed by Clooney, who’s proven himself almost as adept behind the camera as he is in front of it. It’s not exactly romantic, but it’s a comedy-drama war flick with a bit of a difference, and that makes it worth a look. Anticipatometer: 4/5 ■ ■ ■ ■

Another period movie, this time with less swooning and more people being buried alive in ash. Game of Thrones heartthrob Kit Harington stars in the latest flick from action hack Paul WS Anderson, set in the ancient Roman city of Pompeii, which largely disappeared beneath a pile of ash and pumice when Mount Vesuvius erupted in 79 AD. Harington stars as the rather deliciously named Milo, a slave turned gladiator who finds himself in a race against time to save his true love Cassia (Emily Browning), who has been unwillingly betrothed to a corrupt Roman Senator. It all sounds like good oldfashioned dumb fun – perfect for a date who likes laughing at flying CGI boulders. Anticipatometer: 3/5 ■ ■ ■

Release date: 7 February

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Anthony Sharpe finds that sometimes choosing a romantic date movie is just down to a matter of perspective.

Release date: 7 February

Release date: 14 February

Release date: 21 February



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1/14/2014 12:41:02 PM 2014/01/15 9:10 AM


library lounge From American history to South African sport, Richard Noble falls in love with literature this month.

pictures: supplied

The Blood of Heaven Kent Wascom Penguin It is 1861, and Angel Woolsack is a Confederate about to breathe his last as the Union forces make their inexorable approach. Rejected by his wife, with his wealth no longer useful to him, he sets about recording his final testament. His gripping story is that of a preacher’s son who flees the difficult life of his itinerant father and falls in with a charismatic highwayman. The novel moves from the bordellos of Natchez to the Mississippi plantations, and finally to the back rooms of New Orleans where wouldbe revolutionaries are plotting to break away from the young United States, painting a remarkable portrait of a young man seizing his place in a violent new world. The Blood of Heaven is a substantial read, surprisingly so from an author only 26 years old. It’s a great debut novel with gritty and gripping prose, and the story will have you asking questions from beginning to end.

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Bouch: Through my Eyes

Braai the Beloved Country Jean Nel Jacana Every South African loves a braai, and in Jean Nel’s Braai the Beloved Country, it’s easy to see why. Nel’s advice is to take everything you know about cooking and forget it. He believes it’s about so much more than just steaks and wors, and he reckons that absolutely everything can be cooked on a braai – imagine that. It sounds like heaven. In this book, Nel shares his favourite recipes from 15 years of cooking, training and catering. Indulge yourself with the secrets of cooking everything from the perfect flame-grilled steak to breads and salads. Not only does he present a host of delicious and unexpected recipes, but he also covers everything you need to know about the braai, including the tools you’ll need and their maintenance. A perfect book for the true braaimeister.

Mark Boucher Jonathan Ball Everybody knows who Mark Boucher is, but you get to know South Africa’s favourite wicketkeeper a little better in his autobiography, Bouch: Through My Eyes. The book covers Boucher’s extraordinary achievements on the field, but also the behind-thescenes stories and anecdotes – tales of defeat and of celebrating victory, of developing strong bonds with teammates. What emerges is a portrait of a man who always fought for his team and country. Boucher’s career was brought to a dramatic end on a cricket pitch in England, when the bail of a stump punctured his left eye. However, he has rededicated his life to a new cause: the environment, and particularly the critically endangered rhino. It’s a strong, compelling read for any fan of cricket and sporting heroes.



2014/01/21 11:52 AM

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2014/01/06 1:05 PM


Hear the love

Claire Martens raps, pops and croons her way through the month of love.


pictures: supplied

The Marshall Mathers LP2 Aftermath Entertainment/ Shady Records/ Interscope Records I know we all get a little angry sometimes – but then we grow up. Or at least that’s the theory. When it comes to Eminem, though, he’s still pretty much blowing everything up in your face. This includes a whole lot of wordplay and a brand of rap that critics cannot help but respect. You would think that after 17 years and eight albums of expressing his every experience, thought and feeling, he would have purged just a little of that youthful rebellion, but The Marshall Mathers LP2 shows just how animated he remains. Considering he is now 41, some might call it ridiculous, but no one can resist his compelling style, his hard truths and his lyrical acrobatics. Eminem’s chart-topping hits tend to be the classier collaborations, and with female stars like Rihanna and Skylar Grey lending their gorgeous voices to tracks like ‘Monster’ (and others that can’t be named here), his latest album goes the distance.

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Avril Lavigne Avril Lavigne Epic Records It’s hard to fault the music industry’s favourite anti-pop popstar. Avril Lavigne has won me over with the release of her fifth studio album by showing, again, how well she succeeds in pushing the envelope. She is the mistress of ADHD – both in style and music. Her latest contains some schizophrenic collaborations and the telltale charismatic dance tracks, including a smattering of dubstep. She settles down to a mournful croon on her track ‘Give You What You Like’. The name could not be more fitting – this album gives nothing less than her best. Despite a successful career spanning more than a decade, Avril sticks to what she knows, playing to an audience with little discernment or taste, but out for a good time. The older generation have left the dance floor and their teenage fixations behind, but not Avril. If you’re in the mood for nostalgia, this album is a one-stop shop of fun – glam-punk and goth included.

James Blunt Moon Landing Atlantic records/Custard records This being the month of love, a little James Blunt is definitely in order – for the heartbroken. As relationship/breakup albums go, Moon Landing has the sweetest grace. In the singer’s typical style, it is utterly tasteful, except for ‘Always Hate Me’, which is tactless enough to be relegated to the poorchoices pile. With an upbeat and tuneful feel, James Blunt’s fourth studio album has adopted the indie anthem that still carries that emotional undercurrent we know and admire. The first single from the album, ‘Bonfire Heart’, is wonderfully uplifting, forming the axis on which the album spins. The most curious song has to be ‘Miss America’, a tribute to Whitney Houston, which could easily be Elton John’s ‘Candle in the Wind’, without the flamboyance. With a few near-misses on this album, the graciousness of his music is weatherbeaten, even if the foundation stands. Moon Landing is good, but not quite good enough.



2014/01/21 11:53 AM


You took the words right out of my mouth

illustration: shaun reddiar

Gaynor Lawson covers her ears and calls for the cheque this Valentine’s Day. I’LL PROBABLY BE driven out of town by a baying mob armed with flaming torches and sharpened pitchforks, but during this month of love, please spare me the romance. I don’t do fluffy toys, schmaltzy cards, or even chocolates. Consider me the Scrooge of Valentine’s Day – bah humbug and all that. Look, I’ll turn up for a V-date if seafood and champers are included, but spare me sloppy love songs warbling in the background if you want me to keep my crayfish down. When it comes to love songs, you’ve got to have standards. A doe-eyed John Mayer on one knee twanging away on his guitar is fine, but stuff by star-crooners like Michael Bolton and Celine Dion? Oh please, my heart will go on … and on and on. It’s enough to make you want to go down with the Titanic. And as for hairless castrato-type singers and boy bands – could you be bothered? Being serenaded by a teenager is just plain creepy. Serenading should be done by real men – like the gravel-voiced, slightly shop-soiled legend Eric Clapton. I mean, how did Patti Boyd manage to resist ‘Layla’ – seven minutes of haunted regret that he’d fallen for the wife of his friend George Harrison? I’d even bend an ear to aged John Lee Hooker (how did the poor kid ever get through school with a surname like that?), or some of the other old bluesmen who make you feel

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as if you’re truly breaking their already shattered hearts. But nonsense like Savage Garden’s ‘Truly Madly Deeply’? I mean, really: ‘I want to lay like this forever, until the sky falls down on me’? Pass the barf bag, babe, and just scrap the crayfish thermidor altogether. Keep the sweet stuff in the dessert bowl, not in the air – like the ghastly, but all too frequently played, ‘Sometimes When We Touch’ by Dan Hill, which is enough to leave

you wanting to touch some Panado, and that’s about all. Most gals would rather have a giggle, perhaps with bloated old rocker Meatloaf, a master of corny double entendres. Who can forget classics like ‘You Took the Words Right out of My Mouth’ or ‘Paradise by the Dashboard Light’? So, for the month of love, please keep the lyrics sharp, or at least a bit lighthearted. No girl likes to be smothered, no matter what the occasion might be.



2014/01/21 11:53 AM

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2013/11/19 3:02 PM


You took the words right out of my mouth

illustration: shaun reddiar

Gaynor Lawson covers her ears and calls for the cheque this Valentine’s Day. I’LL PROBABLY BE driven out of town by a baying mob armed with flaming torches and sharpened pitchforks, but during this month of love, please spare me the romance. I don’t do fluffy toys, schmaltzy cards, or even chocolates. Consider me the Scrooge of Valentine’s Day – bah humbug and all that. Look, I’ll turn up for a V-date if seafood and champers are included, but spare me sloppy love songs warbling in the background if you want me to keep my crayfish down. When it comes to love songs, you’ve got to have standards. A doe-eyed John Mayer on one knee twanging away on his guitar is fine, but stuff by star-crooners like Michael Bolton and Celine Dion? Oh please, my heart will go on … and on and on. It’s enough to make you want to go down with the Titanic. And as for hairless castrato-type singers and boy bands – could you be bothered? Being serenaded by a teenager is just plain creepy. Serenading should be done by real men – like the gravel-voiced, slightly shop-soiled legend Eric Clapton. I mean, how did Patti Boyd manage to resist ‘Layla’ – seven minutes of haunted regret that he’d fallen for the wife of his friend George Harrison? I’d even bend an ear to aged John Lee Hooker (how did the poor kid ever get through school with a surname like that?), or some of the other old bluesmen who make you feel

Khuluma 25.indd 37

as if you’re truly breaking their already shattered hearts. But nonsense like Savage Garden’s ‘Truly Madly Deeply’? I mean, really: ‘I want to lay like this forever, until the sky falls down on me’? Pass the barf bag, babe, and just scrap the crayfish thermidor altogether. Keep the sweet stuff in the dessert bowl, not in the air – like the ghastly, but all too frequently played, ‘Sometimes When We Touch’ by Dan Hill, which is enough to leave

you wanting to touch some Panado, and that’s about all. Most gals would rather have a giggle, perhaps with bloated old rocker Meatloaf, a master of corny double entendres. Who can forget classics like ‘You Took the Words Right out of My Mouth’ or ‘Paradise by the Dashboard Light’? So, for the month of love, please keep the lyrics sharp, or at least a bit lighthearted. No girl likes to be smothered, no matter what the occasion might be.



2014/01/21 11:56 AM

available 7 february FOR EVERY CHOICE, A CONSEQUENCE.

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Brin you

Trade in your old games for in-store credit!

Adul colle

Adult, 18 or older with ID required to assist with trade in games. PC games excluded.

2014/01/21 12:00 PM

Swing, swim, leap, & barrel-blast your way through tons of eye-popping levels to save DK Island from a permanent freeze.

Available now on 3DS! It’s a party you’ll never forget!


PRE-ORDER Include character, gameplay & customisation items for multiplayer & co-op game modes! Xbox One due to release later in South Africa. Internet connection & data required. Limited stock. Age restrictions apply.



Bring in your old games* when you come to collect your pre-ordered game & we will give you an EXTRA 30% value on your trade. Adult, 18 or older with ID required to assist with trade in games. Release dates may change. Pre-orders must be collected within 7 days of release to qualify. *PC games excluded from trade-ins. Stocks are limited, offers are valid while stocks lasts.

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Terms & Conditions apply.

2014/01/21 12:00 PM

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2011/12/22 10:57 AM


The game of love Twiddle your thumbs through absurdity, adventure and action with these three perfect excuses for a love affair with your sofa.

lease New re South Park: The Stick of Truth

text and pictures: BT Games

For a thousand years, the battle has been waged. The sole reason why humans and elves are locked in a neverending war: the Stick of Truth. But the tides of war are soon to change as word of a new kid spreads throughout the land, his coming foretold by the stars. As the moving vans of prophecy drive away, your adventure begins. Arm yourself with weapons of legend to defeat crab people, underpants gnomes, hippies and other forces of evil. Discover the lost Stick of Truth and earn your place at the side of Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny, as their new friend. Succeed, and you shall be South Park’s saviour, cementing your social status in South Park Elementary. Fail, and you will forever be known as ‌ a loser. Coming early March to PlayStation 3 and Xbox 360, with downloadable content when you pre-order from BT Games.

Games 25.indd 47



2014/01/21 12:02 PM


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lease New re Fable Anniversary If you’ve not yet dipped your toes into the adventure-filled waters of the excellent Fable series and are keen to see what all the fuss is about, there’s no better way to experience the game that started it all than with Fable Anniversary. Remastered high-definition visuals (including a new lighting system, improved interface and slick new textures) and audio bolster the series’ trademark action RPG gameplay, making this the definitive option for anyone keen to visit the lands of Albion. In Fable Anniversary, you create a hero and mould their destiny as you see fit, leading them down the path of good or evil, depending on your choices, with your physical appearance slowly changing to reflect your moral standing. Battle ferocious foes, terrorise townsfolk (or rescue them from peril), recruit followers, upgrade your equipment and abilities, increase your renown, buy houses and even find yourself a soulmate (or two) as you travel the fantasy world laid out before you.

lease New re Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze When Donkey Kong Island is invaded by a group of Viking-like critters known as the Snowmads, the Kongs must venture across six islands rid them of the invaders. The Snowmads have brought

Games 25.indd 49

with them icy winds that have frozen the formerly tropical environs, while Donkey Kong is joined by sidekicks Diddy Kong, Dixie Kong and Cranky Kong, who’ll help our hero battle the Snowmads and set things right. Side-scrolling platforming is once again the game’s focus. Players control Donkey Kong, while his companions (who can be controlled by another player) provide him with a variety of different abilities and ways to approach each obstacle. Not only does Tropical Freeze build on the fun-filled mechanics of the Donkey Kong Country series by adding new companion characters, but it also includes a range of new features, such as swimming sections, special Kong-POW moves and more.



2014/01/21 12:02 PM

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2013/10/14 9:19 AM


Chocolates, roses, diamonds … bah! James Matthew’s gizmo guide to Valentine’s Day.

Hama 15-inch Digital Photo Frame

This will make a lovely gift for both him and her. Make sure you never slip from your significant other’s mind by being somewhat in the room at all times – over there on the shelf or next to the bed, in full crystalline resolution. Before you wrap it up, though, don’t forget to load up a memory card with the sexiest, cutest or simply the most memorable photographs of yourself. The display is bright enough to make an impact in any room, even in the middle of the day, which means you will forever remain a glint in your lover’s eye. Available from Incredible Connection for R1 699.

Lenmar Meridian iPhone 5 Battery Case

Sadly, Valentine’s Day falls on a Tuesday this year – which means you will probably be holed up in an office instead of wandering a stretch of beach with your lover, arms entwined. But that doesn’t mean you can’t spend time together, talking and laughing. A long time, in fact. Jack your iPhone into this battery case and you can FaceTime or Skype with your darling extensively over the course of the day, safe in the knowledge that you have a full extra charge just waiting to juice up the phone. Just don’t let your boss catch you making sappy, doe-eyed gestures and gobsmacking sounds on his dime. Available from for R914.

Satzuma Heart Crystal 4GB USB Flash Drive

If your lady love happens to be a spy, this is exactly what you need to be gifting her this month. All her classified documents and/or damning video evidence can be kept safely close to her heart, and her enemies will be none the wiser. If, unfortunately, her job is more mundane (most likely scenario here), those Excel spreadsheets due on Monday will at least have a pretty home and your lass will have something sparkly to wear, which, I hear, women tend to enjoy. Available from for only R230.

pictures: supplied

Lenovo IdeaPad 7-inch Tablet

Slim, sexy and intelligent. These are qualities many of us look for in a partner. Forget cruising bars, clubs and bookstores; all it takes to bring home the perfect partner tomorrow is a quick browse on the web and a credit card. Trust me, this handsome tablet’s specs scream long-term relationship. Available from for R2 499.

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2014/01/21 12:04 PM

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2014/01/17 10:58 AM

Shaleen nips the month of love in the bud with Karen Zoid and Theodore Jantjies.

s rock, k l a t n e r Ka romance d n a e g a r

s stage, k l a t e r o Theod ng face i k c u s d n screen a

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2014/01/21 12:07 PM

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2013/11/15 11:45 AM


Break on through to the other

zoid Shaleen Surtie-Richards talks rock and romance with friend, collaborator and allround cool cat Karen Zoid.

Interview 1 25 1.indd 55



2014/01/21 12:09 PM

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2014/01/15 9:17 AM

pictures: morné van zyl, supplied


Shaleen Surtie-Richards: How do you feel about people calling you the coolest Afrikaans female musician? Karen Zoid: Only you call me that, Shaleen! I don’t know what to say. You are too kind. SSR: That’s the first time I’ve been called that. KZ: [Laughs] SSR: Okay, so what got you started in music? KZ: The guitar. My father played around the fire over weekends, and I started fiddling with the guitar a bit when I was around 12 years old. My main focus at the time was on drama and tennis, but when I was about 15 or 16 years old, I joined a garage band, and then I got serious about playing guitar and writing songs. For me at the time, being in a band was more fun than drama and tennis combined. SSR: To go from that, though – did you ever think you’d have such an impact on the local music scene? KZ: I really wanted to make my mark and I tried hard, because I didn’t want to work in an office, like my dad. [Laughs] You know me, Shaleen. I’m really grateful for everything that has happened since 2001, but I’m not going to pretend that I don’t work towards success in the music industry. I have goals, and often it is a hit-and-miss situation, but I definitely always had, and now more than ever still have, goals that I’m aiming for. SSR: Now, speaking of the past 13 years – you came onto the scene when SA rock music was still learning to walk. How do you think the scene has developed over those years? KZ: It’s probably best that I give you the short answer here: things have grown

Interview 1 25 1.indd 57

You know, I have my anger and my pain, like everyone else. I show it on stage sometimes

slowly but surely, but a big shift is coming. And it’s about time. SSR: You’ve been described as an angry rock ’n roller. Do you feel like you’ve mellowed out or does that question make you want to punch people in the mouth? KZ: You know, I have my anger and my pain, like everyone else. I show it on stage sometimes. I’ve just recorded an angry song about the murder of Anene Booysen that is very heavy. The level of sexual violence in South Africa is out of control. It makes me mad. I have to scream. I have to fight. I’m not ashamed of it. SSR: You shouldn’t be ashamed. Now, you’ve released nine albums in 13 years … when’s the next one coming out?



2014/01/21 12:09 PM


To me, love is two people who are each aware of the other’s shortcomings, but view one another as the absolute

KZ: I’m happy to say that there’s one coming out in June or July this year. SSR: Lekker! If you could collaborate with any artist worldwide, who would you choose and why? KZ: Annie Lennox – she is the bravest woman in music and I would love to learn from her. Stevie Nicks – she lives in her own world and I would love to visit it. Zolani Mahola – she is the most open person in the SA music industry, and every time we sing together I feel completely free. SSR: Lovely. Now if you could beat one artist worldwide with a mic stand, who would you choose and why? KZ: Never mind one artist. Show me the rapist, show me the child molester and then pass me those mic stands. SSR: Well said, skat, well said. So we’re in the midst of festival season now. Which is your favourite festival to play and why?



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KZ: It’s really very hard to pick one that tops the rest. Every rock festival really has its own personality. The truth is that I love them all! SSR: And they love you! KZ: [Laughs] SSR: Tell me, when was the last time you stage-dived? KZ: [Laughs] I stopped doing that when I was pregnant in 2006. SSR: You could’ve had the coolest baby in the world! KZ: Or the flattest. SSR: [Laughs] What’s in the future then? Any plans to retire and open a quaint B&B in Stellenbosch? KZ: No thanks. Viva la musica! Shaleen, you and I still have a lot to accomplish in our careers, don’t you agree? SSR: Speaking of careers, how nervous were you when we first worked together? KZ: [Laughs] Let me put it this way: it felt like a near-death experience.

You were so kind and generous, and I felt like a kid. Enough said. SSR: Ag, now it’s my turn to say you’re too kind. Skat, do you have any more plans to venture into acting? KZ: My dear, if it is with you, just say when and where. And I’ll be there. SSR: Aw. What does love mean to you? KZ: True love is the person who drives you up the wall, says stupid things and doesn’t have the perfect body, but who is the absolute one for you. True love is a deep-rooted affection towards another imperfect person such as yourself that nullifies all other previous desires for any other. To me, love is two people who are each aware of the other’s shortcomings, but view one another as the absolute. SSR: How have you expressed your journey of love through your music? KZ: Love is the widest theme in my life. I love to write about it. SSR: Deep. Okay, tell us about your best and worst dates ever. KZ: I’ve never had a bad date! The story of my best date ever has an age restriction of 18 … not a story for the fainthearted. SSR: [Laughs] Lekker, you can tell that one to me off the record. KZ: [Laughs] Ag nee! SSR: Do you remember your first kiss? KZ: Yes, it was Xander Smith and it took place behind the tennis court during my tennis-and-drama phase. SSR: How will you be spending Valentine’s Day? KZ: I’ll be doing a rather intimate acoustic show on a wine farm. Quite looking forward to it, actually. SSR: Ag, that sounds lovely. Finally, tell us honestly Karen. Do you like receiving flowers? KZ: Yes, I absolutely love it.

2014/01/21 12:10 PM











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2014/01/16 3:14 PM


I call myself a student of the theatre and I always will be

It’s a numbers


pictures: anthony sharpe

Local stage and screen heartthrob Theodore Jantjies flirts mercilessly with Shaleen Surtie-Richards while she tries to get on with the interview.

Shaleen Surtie-Richards: So, Mr Jantjies, how do you feel about sharing a surname with the world’s most famous sign-language interpreter? Theodore Jantjies: [Laughs] Oh my word, Shaleen, as you can imagine, I am not happy at all. People all over the world will never trust any person with the surname Jantjies again. Jeez, man, he’s totally gone and ruined things for me. SSR: [Laughs] That’s what you get!

Interview 2.indd 61

Now, you’ve been on 7de Laan since 2005. What is the appeal of the show that keeps you going? TJ: 7de Laan is a well-oiled machine, a great environment to work in, and the wonderful storylines make for great television which viewers can relate to. SSR: I couldn’t agree more. Tell me now, stage or screen – which do you prefer and why? TJ: I love the theatre! There is nothing

like performing to a live audience – the response and reactions from the house really feed the actors’ energies and performances. Theatre feeds my soul; it moves me and continues to teach me new things every day. I call myself a student of the theatre and I always will be. We have just had a very successful six-week run at the Baxter Theatre with the production Platform 9. SSR: Yes, I loved it!



2014/01/21 12:16 PM

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2014/01/17 2:57 PM


We could improve on public support and a greater investment in local talent, but the film industry is getting better

Interview 2.indd 63

TJ: Why thank you, Shaleen. SSR: What about film then? What do you think of the local industry? What can we do better? TJ: I honestly think the film industry is in a very good place at the moment. The quality of filming has grown exponentially. In recent years I have seen and, in some cases, been part of some amazing films. We have highly talented and skilled actors in South Africa. We could improve on public support and a greater investment in local talent, but it is getting better. SSR: And when can we expect to see you on the silver screen? TJ: I’m in the movie Four Corners, which was nominated for an Oscar in the Best Foreign Film category for 2014, so that’s really exciting. It will be in South African cinemas from 28 February. Do check it out – I play the role of Langes … hashtag just saying! SSR: Platform 9, 7de Laan, Four Corners … what’s with the numbers? How come we didn’t see you in District 9? TJ: [Laughs] They didn’t ask me to audition. I guess they assumed I was too busy shooting 7de Laan. And my biceps are too big for the part. [Laughs] SSR: [Laughs] Oh skat… TJ: Plus I didn’t want to distract you on stage, Shaleen … if you know what I mean, nudge nudge, wink wink. SSR: I’m afraid it’s too late for that, my dear. If you could work with one actor worldwide, why would you choose me over Kevin Spacey? TJ: Oh this is a very easy question! You are an amazing talent and I have respected you as an actress all my life. SSR: Keep going… TJ: I have no doubt that you’ll make me look good in a scene. Not too sure about



2014/01/21 12:16 PM


Theodore started his professional career in theatre in 2005, as one of the leading char acters in Die Keiser.

Kevin; he’s a bit dry, you know. Besides, he will never be able to look after me as well as you do, Auntie Shaleen. SSR: Jou skelm! TJ: Oops, did I say auntie? I meant to say darling. SSR: Jy’s nie snaaks nie. So, were you mad at Christo Davids when he got the role in Scrooge instead of you? TJ: Very much so! He gets to spend more time with you now, and that’s not fair at all. I’m only joking – not at all, in fact. He is an amazing actor and he deserves to be a part of such an amazing show and cast. Well, at least I have been doing Platform 9 at the same time as the Scrooge run. Maybe next year though – who knows? SSR: Maybe. Do you consider yourself a heartthrob? TJ: [Laughs] I wouldn’t go that far. Only if you think so, and judging by the way


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you are looking so deeply into my eyes, Shaleen, it’s actually making me break into a cold sweat. SSR: Oh stop! [Laughs] TJ: I guess I’m not that bad at all. SSR: Sies now. Tell us about your ‘Denzel Washington step’. Did you learn it by following him around when he was in Cape Town? Could you teach me how to do it? TJ: Please, I’m a very busy man, you know. I don’t have time to follow people around. I’m always trying to get away from people following me around. SSR: [Laughs] Oh my life. TJ: The step … took long hours to perfect, watching his movies and interviews. I’m a huge Denzel fan. Definitely, it would be a pleasure to teach you. I know you think I’m something else, Shaleen … just admit it please … and make peace.

SSR: You’ll be making a permanent peace just now. TJ: [Laughs] SSR: What does love mean to you? TJ: For me, love means looking past the imperfections of your partner and seeing them as 100% perfect. SSR: What’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever done? TJ: Believe it or not, I cooked on Valentine’s Day, hung presents on door handles and covered the bathroom floor with roses, as well as candles. I even went as far as running a warm bath. Boom! Nailed it. SSR: Tell us about your best and worst dates ever. TJ: My worst date had to be during last December, when I joined some friends on a camping trip, so I set up a date with this beautiful lady. When it came to the kissing, she almost swallowed my whole face. I suffocated. I thought I was underwater for too long. Hectic. SSR: Gross. So do you remember your first, and hopefully more pleasant, kiss then? TJ: It was a beautiful summer’s evening, full moon, but the vibe was awkward between us. We didn’t know what to say to each other, so I just said, ‘Shhh, the moon is bright tonight,’ and then we kissed and kissed all night long. My jaw was lame. SSR: Jy’s nog something else, huh. TJ: Dankie. SSR: How will you be spending Valentine’s Day? TJ: Um … what are you doing on Valentine’s Day, dearest Shaleen? SSR: Forget Valentine’s Day. You’re taking me to dinner later. TJ: Dinner with such a beautiful lady? I am suddenly, definitely free.

2014/01/21 12:17 PM


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2014/01/15 8:56 AM

When will you start growing your own veggies? D

o you have a veggie garden at home? If you do, well done to you! If you don’t then 2014 is the perfect year to change that. The United Nations have declared 2014 the International Year of Family Farming (IYFF), a celebration aimed at encouraging families and communities to start their own sustainable food gardens. Growing your own food at home can have a number of advantages, both for your family’s health as well as the health of the environment. Food gardens are often organic, in other words, by using practises such as companion planting, you can eliminate the need for pesticides and synthetic fertilizers. Organic food is free from any chemicals and is completely natural - great for your family and their health! Also, by using fewer, or ideally no chemicals on your veggies, you are reducing both soil and water pollution. You can also reduce your individual carbon and water footprints: food produced closer to home has fewer kilometres to travel, reducing carbon emissions and the chemicals required to preserve food. Sustainable home, school and community food gardens can go a long way in alleviating poverty, as well as providing food security and nutrition - school food gardens often supplement feeding schemes for underprivileged children that may not receive regular meals at home. Water Wise has a lot of information on growing your own food garden from scratch, as well as useful Water Wise practises to help you save water. For more, visit and click on the Water Wise logo. Information on veggie gardening can be found under the ‘Gardening’ and ‘Food Gardening’ tabs. For more information on the exciting IYFF celebration, please visit

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2014/01/17 2:20 PM


SHOW YOUR COLOUR I Love Diepsloot’s innovative marketing campaign used the co-op’s workers as its models.

pictures: Marijke Willems Photography

Labour of

L ve

A workers’ co-operative in one of Joburg’s poorest neighbourhoods is empowering locals by turning trash into treasures. Anthony Sharpe feels the love. THE DENSELY POPULATED settlement of Diepsloot, in the north of Johannesburg, has had little to celebrate in recent times. Established in 1995 as a transit camp for people who’d been moved out of Zevenfontein, it now houses almost 150 000 people, and is divided into 12 ‘extensions’. The better ones have RDP housing and water; the worst are filled with shacks lit only by paraffin lamps, with no running water. With this sort of poverty comes crime;

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with minimal policing and little in the way of home security, residents are preyed upon by their neighbours. In the face of these odds, a proud initiative has sprung up that wears its heart on its sleeve – almost literally. I Love Diepsloot is a range of handbags and clothing made from plastic shopping packets, old billboard skins and rejected leather offcuts, carefully reworked and refined into a range of upcycled, corporate-gifting and consumer products.

The range is a product of the Diepsloot Worker Co-operative, co-founded in 2012 by Zoe and Karel Willems, and the culmination of four years of product innovation and a quest to create a sustainable project for both the environment and the community.

Smooth co-operator I Love Diepsloot was inspired by Saatchi & Saatchi’s True Blue Do One Thing initiative. Zoe and Karel received a



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2014/01/21 12:38 PM


THE WORKSHOP The Diepsloot Worker Co-operative’s top-secret HQ is where it all goes down…

start-up loan from the company, with which they purchased machinery and funded their cash flow for the first three months. ‘We made one call to a lady who does training in the Diepsloot area and the word spread like wildfire,’ says Karel. ‘We had hundreds of applicants, who came from as far as Atteridgeville in

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Pretoria to work with us. We looked for women with previous experience, but also employed several women and a few gents to fulfil the pre- and postproduction functions.’ Meriam Mogale previously sewed bags on contract for an NGO, but was unemployed when she heard about the project. ‘When I started at I Love Diepsloot I did not know how to sew on industrial or coverseam machines, and now I can. With the money I’ve earned, I’e also bought my own overlocker, which I use at home to make garments for myself and other people.’

After exploring several operating avenues, Zoe and Karel found the co-op model to be best suited to their goal of developing and empowering the Diepsloot community. The 32 staff earn a production-based wage and a share of the surplus.

From waste to taste As much as possible, the materials are sourced from waste – discarded plastic shopping packets are rescued from local dumping sites before they end up in landfills, PVC banners are collected from ad agencies once their campaigns have run their course, and leather offcuts are sourced from car-seat manufacturers for the leather products. When upcycling is not an option, they take a fair-trade approach to materials. ‘Any new material used in our bags is sourced locally,’ says Karel, ‘and we also use local materials, like cotton Limpopo, for our T-shirts, as far as possible.’ Karel has confidence in the quality of the I Love Diepsloot products. ‘We pride ourselves on not having to beg for hand-outs, and that customers love



2014/01/21 12:34 PM


MANY HANDS The workers of the Diepsloot Worker Co-operative busy turning waste into fashion.

our products because of their quality and beauty. The fact that they’re made from waste and that a local community has benefited from the production is an added bonus.’ He aims to compete in the high-end retail market through pop-up shops, but admits that the price point places the products beyond the reach of the community that created them.

Cover to cover A sign of the organisation’s commitment to upliftment is its unique marketing campaign, which turned the members of the co-op into cover models for a Drum cover-style campaign. ‘We had a weekend dedicated to making the hardworking members of the co-op look and feel like a million bucks,’ he says. ‘Professionals and volunteers banded together, and the ladies and gents were treated to a high tide of manicures, make-up, clothing, snacks and music. The resulting images not only serve as a reminder of how beautiful each of the members are, but they also became the marketing face of I Love Diepsloot.’ ‘It was amazing,’ says team leader David



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Gwenzi, ‘because I’ve never been in a magazine or newspaper in my life, and it shows that we can work together to do something in life.’ ‘It made me feel beautiful,’ says Elsie Bhayibhile. ‘It’s good for marketing, too, because it shows people who actually does the work.’ There are plans afoot to expand the operation to a 100-strong production facility, and then duplicate the model in other needy areas. ‘I Love Diepsloot is actually so much more than just a

project,’ says Karel. ‘It’s a movement that we hope will inspire the people of South Africa for the greater good of our country. The co-operative sewing model is transforming the working-class culture into a proud performance-based force to be reckoned with, and the quality of the products is challenging consumers to understand the value of supporting local goods and producers.’ For more info, check out

t sloo tchi p e i eD Saa I Lov ired by e Blue Tru ive. insp was aatchi’s g initiat & S e Thin n Do O

2014/01/21 12:35 PM

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2014/01/21 12:48 PM

Keith Bain asked an ordinary couple for feedback on their latest attempt at a romantic getaway in the Elgin Valley. He said this; she said that.

pictures: Keith Bain, supplied

’s ley frica l a A V o h lgin Sout ting t s E e f n n Th 0% o mou n to o es 6rop, a milli c u a d c . pro apple t half year r s o pe alm


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2014/01/21 12:57 PM

pictures: Keith Bain, supplied


She said: We had an epic fight in the car virtually the entire way. Romantic weekend away, and he decides to bring the bike along! Then, he blasted that wretched music of his all the way. I held my breath the entire way over Sir Lowry’s Pass. He drove like a maniac. He said: Joh! She was upset about something and she gave me the silent treatment, so I tried alleviating the situation by pumping the music. In any case, her mood did a 180 the moment she caught sight of Peregrine farm stall. She virtually grabbed the steering wheel and dodged oncoming traffic to swing us into the parking lot. Like a lapdog, I followed her around as she ‘ooed’ and ‘aahed’ at vegetables and bags of apples. I kept my mouth shut until she started sniffing those home-made quiches. All I did was point out that we already had lunch plans. If looks could kill, I’d have been toast.

She said: So I told him: ‘If we leave Cape Town before the mad Friday rush, we’ll be there in under an hour.’ I wanted romantic downtime, a weekend in the country without his mates showing up like lost puppies. I love ‘the boys’, but it’s a bit much. Every weekend, the same story: mountain bikes, coffee, beer. I engineered the perfect getaway: two nights in Elgin in one of those jazzed-up caravans at Old Mac Daddy. And a Parlotones concert under the stars on the Saturday. A weekend of nothing but eating, drinking wine and hanging out. Together. He said: How cool is my girlfriend? She’d organised a long weekend away in Elgin. It’s a flippin’ mountain-biking mecca, so obviously she wanted me to know I could spend some quality time on the trails without her lip hanging on the ground. This trailer park sounded awesome, but she’d picked the girlie-themed Mills & Boon suite. I’m as romantic as they come, but it sounded a bit sugary for my blood, so I called them and had them switch us to the Dirkie Sanchez Suite, with a tongue-in-cheek Mexican wrestling theme. Loads more fun.

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She said: Do we have anything in common? I love artisanal food – especially freshly baked goods. Does he show any interest? None. If it’s not a bicycle or rugby or beers with ‘the boys’, he couldn’t care less. He said: Okay, hats off to her. Old Mac Daddy is friggin’ genius. As we arrived, the silence was shattered as she shrieked with genuine excitement. We’ve never been anywhere that’s had that effect on her. She said: I don’t know what came over me. I took one look at it and got pretty emotional.



2014/01/21 12:57 PM

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2014/01/13 9:44 AM


DON’T WORRY ABOUT PARKING Old Mac Daddy’s trailers are already hitched, and grafted onto chic lounges with terraces overlooking the valley.

WERE YOU RAISED IN A BARN? Old Mac Daddy’s barn-style restaurant seen from across the pool.

He said: At the entrance, it’s like stepping into a big, modernised barn. And behind it, neatly stashed against the hill overlooking the valley, are these awesome silver vintage Airstream trailers.

the jealous type, but she was practically throwing herself at him. When I subtly pointed this out, she downed her wine and changed the subject, mumbling something about Elgin being such a great wedding venue. I tried not to freak out and topped up her glass.

She said: He’d gone behind my back and swapped caravans. And when we got up there, I could see why. The entire bedroom is one big bed, designed like a wrestling arena. It’s kind of quirky. At least he’s planning to spend time with me. He’d also done his homework by booking lunch at Gordon’s Country Kitchen, the loveliest restaurant, run by a husband-and-wife team. Gordon himself spent a bit of time at our table; he’s pure delight and an incredible cook. I was famished, so I got stuck into an incredible lamb-and-tomato bredie.

She said: Kind of him offering to drive so I could let my hair down for a change. Usually I’m the chauffer, as he drinks beer all night. Gordon suggested we stop at Almenkerk, a family-run wine estate overlooking the valley. Another beautiful location, with clever architecture and the family owners buzzing around and personally telling us about their wines. They also do a great Chardonnay.

He said: Great rump at lunch. Weird place to discover such a terrific restaurant – it’s really out in the sticks. She got very chummy with Gordon, the chef. She kept going on and on and on about how talented he is. Pestering him for recipes. I’m not

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LOVE IS IN THE DETAILS Design detail from the Dirkie Sanchez Suite at Old Mac Daddy.

He said: Ag, she’s cute when she’s tipsy. She seldom drinks, but loves her wine. By the time we got to Almenkerk, she was loving everything and everyone. She said: I won’t lie. I fell asleep on the way back from Almenkerk. He was really sweet about it, and carried me up



2014/01/21 12:57 PM

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the hill to our trailer. That wrestling bed is damn comfortable. I hopped in for a nap before dinner and he lay next to me while I mumbled nonsense in my sleep. He said: While she slept off the Chardonnay, I went for a swim in the dam and the manager showed me some of the other caravans. There are some real beauties. She said: He’s like another person when he gets away from the city. We hadn’t been in Elgin 12 hours and yet he’d transformed into a more relaxed, loving version of himself. For dinner, he wanted something casual, so we went to this real locals’ hangout, Bodemloos Kombuis, where they make pizzas and there’s this ongoing buzz of people who live in the valley. It felt like a first date. And back in our trailer, there was no TV to distract us. Instead, we opened another bottle of wine and watched the stars from our terrace. A magical night. He said: All through dinner I was thinking about those wrestling outfits waiting in the trailer. We hadn’t done anything really crazy together in ages, so after some wine, I convinced her we should dress up. Hilarious. She said I looked sexy in that luchador outfit and made me pose for pictures. It turned into a crazy night. She said: Hahaha. I’ve got photographic evidence! He was headto-toe in spandex, pretending to be a Mexican wrestler. Then he showed me a few special moves. He said: Jeepers! Those country birds start chirping extra early; I was wide

Travel 25_1.indd 77

MUCHO MASCOT This little guy will watch over while you sleep or, you know…

LUCHADOR OF LOVE Just how far you take your play-acting is up to you.

FRESH AND FUNKY Daytime dining at Paul Cluver’s Fresh restaurant focuses on straight-from-the-garden produce.

awake at dawn. She always sleeps in on Saturdays, so I thought I’d let her lie in while I took the bike for a spin. I picked up a permit for Lebanon Forest from reception and disappeared onto the trails for a few hours. She said: I woke up with a dry mouth and, as is usual on Saturdays, he wasn’t there. He’d left a note saying he’d gone for a quick ride. Ha! Half a day more like. I thought I’d make the most of the time alone, so I drove to Elgin Station, where they’ve set up this quirky little restaurant called Platform 1. I felt too guilty to have breakfast without him, so I ordered coffee then went back to wait for him. He said: I expected I’d be in the dog box, but she seemed genuinely thrilled to see me. After breakfast, she wanted to do more research. It was the first weekend of the month, so a whole bunch of estates were open for tastings. We did a whirlwind survey of as many as we could squeeze in. Not at all commercial like Stellenbosch or Franschhoek. She said: For lunch we headed to Paul Cluver, Elgin’s oldest wine farm, set on a nature reserve with incredible mountains. Fresh, the restaurant, was perfect – a laid-back spot with these big communal tables. It was the healthiest meal we’d



2014/01/21 12:58 PM

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Down in the valley Elgin Valley Tourism Bureau Peregrine, N2, 021 848 9838,, daily 9am-5pm

BLENDING IN The Hope@PaulCluver amphitheatre is set within in a forest of ghost gum trees.

Old Mac Daddy Valley Road, Elgin, 021 844 0241, Gordon’s Country Kitchen Thandi Farm, off the N2, 021 844 0343, Almenkerk Viljoenshoop Road, 021 848 9844,

DON’T TAKE THAT TONE Crowds going wild for The Parlotones at Hope@PaulCluver.

Bodemloos Kombuis 082 899 1333, Fri only from 6pm had in ages. After we’d shared the tomato tart and some heavenly seared tuna, the restaurant’s owner and chef, Niki Hall-Jones, walked us through the vegetable garden, filled with artichokes, figs, lemons, pomegranates and some unusual edible specimens. He said: I’m usually not really into vegetables, but that place was incredible. New respect for artichokes, I swear.

the air, the scenery or the great food, but I was ready to stay indefinitely. Tucked between these towering trees, the concert venue drew such a lovely crowd. It was like being at a private function – incredibly intimate and no pushing, shoving or getting our toes stood on.

She said: The concert was also at Paul Cluver, not far from Fresh, so we decided to hang around and go for a walk in the mountains before the show.

She said: I don’t know what got into him. It’s like being out in the country brought the real him out of hiding. If only we could escape more often.

He said: By the time the sun set on our second day in Elgin, I felt like I’d been on holiday for weeks. Not sure if it was

He said: I have to admit, being there made me fall in love with her all over again. What a babe.

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Do not disturb Travelling for up to six months at a stretch, Keith Bain knows that often the choice of hotel can make or break a destination. But it’s the people in it who can make or break the hotel.



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pictures:, supplied

SUITE PAD, BOET Eben Lassen’s job involves juggling the innumerable needs of his guests.

HOTELS. WHAT ONCE were rugged pit-stop inns offering food and overnight shelter are now lavish, fawned-over sanctuaries. They’re hideaways, boltholes, party palaces, and, for some, public facilities in which to execute acts of an extremely private nature. Stow away with a lover, hide from the world, or – if your name is Justin Bieber – unleash your inner graffiti artist all over the walls of your bedroom. You probably require high-flying credentials to get away with spraypainting your hotel room without having charges pressed against you, but even ordinary, everyday folks like to get up to assorted forms of weirdness once they find a room with a lock and daily service. Watch films like The Hangover or Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and momentarily imagine those scenes of hotel room destruction said to have been inspired by actual events – you’ll realise that behind every DO NOT DISTURB sign lurks untold potential for depravity.

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‘We’re all actors on a stage, but we must never forget that the guests are the leads, while we – the staff – are supporting actors. The hotel is the stage for their story, and our job is to make sure that everything exceeds their expectations.’ – Eben Lassen, Three Cities Bantry Bay Suite Hotel The long-suffering manager of an über-swank hotel in the Slovenian resort town of Bled once told me how a pair of geriatric guests had smuggled a small gas stove into their $1 000-a-night suite so that they could cook their own meals. ‘It was totally against regulations,’ he said. ‘Not only a fire hazard, but for weeks the room stank of fried fat.’

When I asked him about celebrity guests, that same manager could but shake his head. One Hollywood star had booked out the entire hotel so he could have the run of the place, and was then discovered swinging from the ballroom chandelier at midnight. ‘He was utterly naked,’ complained the manager, ‘and high as a kite.’



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Crazy about service It’s not only celebrities and the superwealthy who get up to mischief, though. Eben Lassen, GM at Cape Town’s Three Cities Bantry Bay Suite Hotel, says even low-key guests occasionally go beyond the bounds of reason. He recalls a woman who checked in and for several days ordered so much room service it alerted suspicion. ‘We were concerned for her physical wellbeing,’ says Eben. ‘For three days, no one saw her emerge; food went in, and nothing ever came out. Eventually, I was compelled to investigate. She wasn’t answering her room phone or mobile. We ignored the DO NOT DISTURB sign – a big no-no under any normal circumstances – and broke down the door.’ They discovered the guest had done a disappearing act, leaving the room covered in food, with plates and bowls strewn everywhere. It turned out she’d just been released from an asylum – a paranoid schizophrenic who’d become convinced that everyone in the hotel was out to get her.

Will you be checking in your bed, sir? By and large, though, Eben says he reflects with fairly good humour on some of the ‘incidents’ he’s had to deal with. ‘At one hotel, a large group of people checked in, insisting that they all share the same floor. It didn’t seem a particularly weird request, but at dinner it became apparent that they were all unusually “infatuated” with one another. They turned out to be vacationing swingers, and throughout their stay were swapping rooms and partners. None of our business, of course, but it’s not really something we encourage.’ What people do behind closed doors,

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in hopes of not being discovered, is easily offset by an array of requests from openly demanding guests. ‘One regular insisted on purple flowers,’ explains Eben, ‘a very specific bloom – and each bunch had to be a specific size. ‘Another regular had an Elton John obsession and refused to check in unless his music was playing.’ Those are slightly kooky demands, but just as weird are the guests who want their beds stripped because they bring their own bedding. Rocker Don Henley travelled with his own bed, transported in a truck that went with him on tour, and the Rolling Stones were once reported to have brought 222 pieces of luggage when they checked into a hotel for two nights in 2003. Eben’s dealt with celebrity quirks, too. ‘I’ve had to send a staff member on a two-hour drive into the city to buy a magazine for a local starlet – because she was featured in it!’ Over the top as such requests are, Eben believes he has an obligation to make guests feel special, doing whatever’s possible to tend to their needs. ‘Hotels aren’t simply selling a bed for the night,’ he says. ‘We’re selling experience. Our guests must feel comfortable when they walk into the hotel, but also feel that their needs are being met and dreams fulfilled.’

More than just a number Given the size of some hotels, it can be easy for guests to wind up feeling like a number. It’s something that’s underscored by the association with the digits on your room door – from requesting the key to being asked your room number, rather than your name, at breakfast. Authentic hospitality wants to avoid that, says Eben, who has worked his way up the ranks since starting as a concierge 12 years ago. His hotel’s motto, in fact, derives from feedback from one extremely loyal guest, who declared, ‘Staying here, I genuinely feel like I’m not a number.’ Getting that right in a hotel with 40-odd suites is achievable, says Eben, but it’s more than a simple case of remembering someone’s name. The goal should be to give every guest a sense of being cared for as an individual. Proper hotel service means always going beyond the blinkered parameters or definition of a job. Staffers should anticipate guests’ needs, offer assistance and provide service wherever possible. Eben believes this is something South Africans can be genuinely good at. ‘Our people are probably our biggest asset,’ he says. ‘We are warm and friendly – these are key ingredients that set a hotel’s service apart.’



2014/01/22 10:23 AM

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2014/01/22 10:05 AM


A well-oiled machine According to Eben, guests are generally spared knowing what’s happening back-of-house. ‘Behind the scenes there are a lot of people running around making sure everything’s working to very precise timeframes. We have checklists for everything. There’s one setting out what needs to be done each time a room is serviced, and then another for the person who goes to check that it’s been done properly. ‘In a busy hotel, housekeeping has the most challenging task. When a hotel is running on high occupancy and we have back-toback check-outs and check-ins, they need to turn rooms around at lightning speed and with clinical precision. The largest hotel I worked at had 228 bedrooms, and we’d sometimes have three hours to turn the entire inventory around before the next wave of arrivals. Timing is critical, and if there’s someone on the team who is bad with deadlines, it can topple the entire system.’

Eben says foreign guests are often surprised because local hotel personnel are usually keen to offer advice, tips and recommendations about what to do and see. ‘They appreciate that we take genuine interest, and it’s because we really want visitors to enjoy their experience in this country. There’s a willingness among

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hotel staffers to be ambassadors for South Africa.’

Orchestrating an experience ‘From the outside, the hotel industry can look very glamorous,’ says Eben, ‘but it’s really non-stop hard work. Whatever “luxuries” blow peoples’ minds today will be taken for granted tomorrow, so the guest experience is continuously evolving and we have to keep in step.’ Ultimately, though, it’s not about levels of physical luxury or the contents of the minibar. Experts say hotel workers require emotional intelligence that extends to empathy and an intuitive sense of how people are feeling. And it must be genuine. Good hotel employees effortlessly make guests feel both comfortable and important. Eben believes it comes down to a fondness for people. ‘You need to have an unbelievable love for people. And you need to actually enjoy making people’s dreams come true.’ Sometimes it’s simply a warm, genuine smile, or a staffer looking you in the eye as they say good morning. Responsiveness is one thing, but it’s the motivation for behaviour that makes a huge difference. ‘A hotel is like an orchestra,’ says Eben. ‘You have various sections all doing their own thing, but they all have to be working together from the same music. If one

section of an orchestra doesn’t hit the right notes, the entire symphony falls apart. Everyone needs to play well, and everyone needs to play at the same level.’

Do hotel managers go on holiday? It’s true, some of us don’t like to stay in hotels when we’re on holiday,’ says Eben. ‘But it is honestly interesting for me to experience how other cultures handle hospitality. As a hotelier, it’s difficult to switch off certain work instincts. I have to remind myself that I’m not on duty. One of the first things I do when I arrive at a new hotel is check under the bed. There’s a range of things I could be searching for – starting with wanting to know when last somebody vacuumed under there. One way I manage to get away from it all is by offsetting time spent in fullblown luxury hotels with a totally relaxing stint in a beach hut.



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2013/12/06 10:37 AM


The cherie next door

David Taylor avoids the Valentine’s Day clichés and stays faithful to his French sweetheart.

pictures: supplied

On test: Peugeot 208 GTi FOR US LADS, cars are a lot like the fairer sex. Just when you think you’ve settled down with one fine female specimen, along comes another who is mighty tempting. Or while you’re walking around town holding hands with your beloved, a pretty brunette in a summer dress walks past, and as your head turns to follow, you get slapped. Driving this Peugeot 208 GTi is a lot like being in a committed, long-term relationship with the girl next door. When you think fun, compact sports hatchbacks, names like Ford Fiesta




ST, Volkswagen Polo GTi and Renault Clio RS come to mind. These three have dominated bar talk and are the automotive equivalent of Victoria’s Secret lingerie models. Then there’s the Peugeot 208 GTi. After telling my mates what I was driving, the silence was predictable. Even showing them photos of a sporty-looking lady in red didn’t sway them. Essentially, I was trying to place Miss Congeniality on the cover of Sports Illustrated’s Swimsuit Edition. ‘Please tell me it’s fast,’ pleaded a friend, clearly attempting to downplay his interest in this cute French lass.


Believe it or not This is a car key and not an Apple-inspired telephone. It belongs to the BMW i8 electric hybrid sports car, which should reach South African shores, hopefully, before the end of this year. The fancy key offers some smart readouts such as efficiency, economy and range.

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Funnily enough, the Peugeot 208 GTi is actually quite brisk. This comes from a turbocharged 1.6-litre and there’s around 147kW on tap. It’s a healthy whack of power, and the car feels safe and planted when you really want to get a move on. It’s an entertaining drive and I think it looks quite eye-catching, especially in red. The red theme carries on when you step inside, with red stitching adorning the steering wheel, doors and gearstick. There’s a lot of grown-up stuff fitted to the Peugeot 208 GTi, such as satellite navigation, climate control, cruise control, and the usual barrage of safety features that make this car really sensible. It may not be as fast or as exciting to drive as its rivals, but there’s something endearing about this little Parisian princess. It’s not going to destroy your wallet with its R279 900 price tag or an unquenchable thirst for unleaded, it’s not going to terrify you when you drive enthusiastically, and it has all the comfort features you’d need. While most would happily admit to spending a dirty weekend with one (or all) of the Victoria’s Secret girls, the understated Peugeot 208 GTi is the one you’d commit to … and take home to meet your parents.




Three’s a crowd Most people wince when they see a pricey exotic go up in smoke. Now imagine not one, but three Lamborghinis bursting into flames. The Aventador and two Gallardos caught fire after a crash in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. Fortunately no-one was seriously hurt.



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Five cool cars … they’re on their way Fall in love with some of the great models the car companies are treating us to this year. MERCEDES-BENZ GLA



se Becaulove we allist al


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Admittedly I’m cheating – this Ford’s Mustang only arrives in South Africa in 2015, but it’ll be the first time we’ve ever had the iconic muscle car come to our shores. Fingers crossed we get the proper V8 version too. Cue the aviator sunglasses, leather jackets and facial stubble…



The crazy rally wannabe is back! Subaru’s hooligan all-wheel-drive sedan promises mad performance and handling, while not compromising on sensible things such as fuel economy and boot space. 7



Alfa Romeo’s 4C promises everything you’d ever want from an Italian sports car: style, charm, sophistication and performance. Watch traffic grind to a halt when one of these rolls by.


BMW’s first mainstream electric passenger car makes an appearance around the middle of the year and promises lowcost commuting. It’ll be good for short journeys around town and can be charged overnight at your house. Brace yourself for an expensive price tag, though.

text: david taylor; pictures: supplied

the fiver

Mercedes-Benz has decided that it, too, wants a slice of the yummy mummy/ estate-agent small SUV market, and will be bringing this cute thing in around April.

2014/01/21 1:15 PM

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2014/01/09 11:40 AM 2014/01/10 8:41 AM


Diamond in the rough

pictures: Thinkstock®, Erwin Niemand/Oshana Publishing & Photography, supplied

A conservation initiative started by a mining conglomerate is protecting treasures of a different kind. Anthony Sharpe examines the facets. LAUNCHED AT THE World Summit on Sustainable Development in 2002, the Diamond Route is a biodiversity conservation, education and outreach initiative from De Beers, the Oppenheimer family and Ponahalo Investments, De Beers’ Black Economic Empowerment partner. The initiative grew from the company’s longstanding practice of using its considerable mininglicence landholdings for conservation practices. For every hectare of land mined, roughly six are managed for biodiversity conservation purposes. The overarching vision of the Diamond Route is to link 10 sites as a holistic project through ecosystem and species conservation, the development of urban conservation, and water-management and climate-change initiatives, as well as restoring areas under its stewardship to their natural ecological state. The Diamond Route commences at Orapa Makgadikgadi in Botswana, meets up with the Venetia Limpopo Nature

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WHAT'S THAT, BAOBAB? An iconic baobab tree in Venetia Limpopo Nature Reserve.

Reserve in South Africa, then continues southeast to Ezemvelo Nature Reserve near Bronkhorstspruit and on to the renowned Brenthurst Garden in Joburg. It then continues south through the Kimberley Big Hole Experience and onto the Dronfield, Benfontein and Rooipoort Nature Reserves. It turns north again to the Tswalu Kalahari, before ending at the wild and unspoilt Namaqualand Diamond Coast.

Together, these sites comprise a staggering 250 000ha of protected land, which play host to a huge variety of animals and boast half of southern Africa’s bird species. The Diamond Route has seen success in preserving pure, unhybridised wildebeest and Cape ostrich, alongside programmes to protect endangered species including the black rhino, the Namaqua dwarf adder and the black-footed cat.



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Twist the wrist – turn off the tap LION ABOUT Residents of Venetia Limpopo Nature Reserve find it difficult to take a nap with all these pesky photographers around. MEER CURIOSITY Meerkats demonstrating the theory of evolution in Rooiport Nature Reserve.

BUT IS IT ART? A sunburst petroglyph in Rooipoort Nature Reserve.

South African urbanites are incredibly lucky! When we’re thirsty, cooking, in the garden, or when we need to wash our dishes, cars, clothes or ourselves, we perform one simple twist of the wrist – and open the tap. This oftenunconscious action delivers seemingly unlimited litres of clean, fresh water where we need it, when we need it. However, this precious resource is in demand, so much so that South Africans have been warned to start carefully monitoring the amount of water they use. The concern is that more and more water is being used by an ever-growing population. The message is clear: be wise about the way you use water! For more information, visit Water Wise at

WILGE AT HEART The Wilge River cuts a swathe through the Ezemvelo Nature Reserve.

And it’s not just the beasts that are benefiting; the route also supports a range of education and training programmes, and has formed several social and economic development partnerships with local communities and organisations. These have resulted in the creation of 261 permanent jobs and support for more than 140 biodiversity research projects. With a quarter of a million hectares under protection and the support of the world’s largest diamond house, it looks like this particular diamond might just be forever.

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Diamond data

More than 120 research projects have been conducted across the Diamond Route properties to date. The Diamond Route Research Database provides a link to information, papers and reports from these projects. To access the database, go to



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2014/01/21 12:55 PM


Test your knowledge THEME: WINE

February is not only the month of love; it’s also the harvest month of harvesting – grapes in particular. And a knowledge of wine is very helpful when it comes to wooing, so test yourself on this quiz … you may learn a thing or two. Quizzical Questions: 1. Which of these towns does not fall in a wineproducing region? (a) Plettenberg Bay, (b) Oudtshoorn, (c) Port Alfred 2. Which three main grape varietals constitute 42.5% of the total grown in South Africa? 3. What is the legal limit for drinking and driving in SA? Is it (a) 2.4mg, (b) 0.24mg or (c) 0.5 per 1 000ml breath? 4. At what temperature are you meant to serve red wine? (a) 12-14°C, (b) 10-12°C, (c) 15-18°C 5. Who was the first person ever to make wine in South Africa? 6. Pinotage is South African’s very own wine grape variety and is a hybrid made from a combination of which two grape varieties?

Can you guess who these three SA celebs are?

text: xenia onatopp; pictures: supplied


This sports hero is also known as the ‘Big Easy’ and owns his own wine farm in Stellenbosch. This South African-born, American-based musician (who performed live in SA at the end of 2013) has his own winery in Virginia. This local DJ and now presenter on Expresso has made her own wine many times and is releasing a new label with D’aria Winery.



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Get Wordy Balderdash or on the ball – we test your language skills. a. umbriferous 1. protecting from falling water 2. casting a shade 3. being very short and upfront with someone

b. misoneism 1. a hatred of change 2. when a missing person cannot be found 3. a love of change

c. pokelogan

Can You Guess? Unshuffle these images to figure out the names of two wine-farming towns:

1. a place where Pokemon hang out 2. a person who incessantly pokes someone else 3. marshy, stagnant water Quizz Questions: 1. (c) Port Alfred; 2. Chenin Blanc, Cabernet Sauvignon and Colombar; 3. (b) 0.24mg; 4. (c) 15-18°C; 5. Jan van Riebeeck; 6. Pinot Noir and Hermitage; 7. Jacques Kallis and Mark Boucher; 8. Groot Constantia; 9. Stellenbosch; 10. 2005; 11. The climate, soil and location of wine; 12. Simon van der Stel; 13. The study of vines; 14. 1925; 15. Retief Goosen Get Wordy: A = 2; B = 1; C = 3 Who am I? 1. Ernie Els; 2. Dave Matthews; 3. Elana Afrika Can You Guess? Franschhoek; Robertson


7. Which two cricketers, also best friends, have their own wine label called The Innings? 8. Which is the oldest wine farm in South Africa? 9. In which region is South Africa’s first wine route, which was started in 1971? 10. In what year was the first Soweto Wine Festival held? 11. What three main factors does the word ‘terroir’ refer to? 12. Which wine pioneer of the 1600s is Stellenbosch named after? 13. What does the word ‘viticulture’ mean? 14. In what year was Pinotage first made? 15. Which golfer has his own wine label called The Goose?



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2014/01/20 7:59 AM 2014/01/21 1:40 PM


Marriage & money

picture: supplied

If you’re planning to propose to your loved one this Valentine’s Day, good for you. Research shows that married couples stand a far better chance of increasing their wealth than those who are single or divorced. Katherine Graham waltzes down the aisle.

MARRIED COUPLES own four times the wealth of single people. It’s a pretty crazy thought. According to research done by Ohio State University in 2006, couples who married and stayed married each had double the wealth of their single counterparts. The study also confirmed what many divorced people already suspected: ending a marriage robs you of wealth. Researchers found that among the sample group of 9 000 people, divorce reduced a person’s wealth by 77%, compared to that of a single person. In a nutshell, married people are better off than those who are single, and single people are better off than those who divorce. So what is it about marriage that makes it so financially advantageous? First, there are simple economies of scale. Instead of having two fridges, TVs or washing machines, you have one. Instead of paying two rents or mortgages, you pay one. And then there are tax benefits. As in most other countries, tax laws in South Africa favour married people. ‘Even though married people pay individual tax on

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salaries, taxpayers who are married in community of property are taxed at half their rental income, dividend income and capital gains tax, no matter in whose name the property is registered,’ says financial expert Vangile Makwakwa. Besides just splitting expenses, there are other perks to marriage. A married couple is able to divide up responsibilities in a financially beneficial way. For example, one party who is trying to get ahead in his or her career can work long hours, knowing their spouse will be able to pick up the extra duties at home. For single parents, that would be completely out of the question. And, interestingly, couples living together romantically don’t get the same rewards as married couples, simply because the long-term commitment

isn’t there. According to Ohio State University research scientist Jay Zagorsky, cohabiting couples don’t combine resources as effectively as married couples do, because they still view their union as ‘a sort of trial’. So should you marry for love or money? ‘Marry for love, and because you have similar values and attitudes towards money,’ advises Vangile. She believes that couples who often fight about money are more likely to get divorced. A good way to counter this is by being open and honest with your spouse about your finances. ‘Have a five-year financial plan, and be very clear about what you want to earn and how you want to spend, save and invest your money,’ she says. ‘And then share these goals with your partner.’ The more comfortable you are about planning your finances together, the more likely you are to spend money on the things that matter to both of you. ‘Marriage alone doesn’t lead to financial freedom or wealth,’ concludes Vangile. ‘It’s the way a couple thinks and communicates about money that makes a marriage financially profitable.’



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LIVE YOUR DREAM - we’ll make it happen

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2014/01/07 2:49 PM

Nothing says


‘I love you’ like a joint bond

picture: supplied

Property24 offers some wise words to make sure the romantic image of joint homeownership remains the reality. BUYING PROPERTY IS on most people’s ‘to do’ list, but in the current property market, making this a reality can be near impossible for individuals looking to do so alone. This has given rise to an increase in the number of people buying property jointly. And for unmarried couples, this is arguably an even bigger commitment than tying the knot. There is a clear benefit to buying property jointly; pooling resources means being able to afford a bigger apartment or house, or to afford a home in an area that might otherwise be out of financial reach. JP Farinha, CEO of Property24, says: ‘We have seen a trend of more South Africans entering into the property market with joint ownership. While some may caution against this, it does offer many people greater opportunities, and it simply requires some careful planning and drawing up of an agreement to help make this a successful venture.’ Drawing up a contract of property co-ownership, as with an antenuptial agreement, may not be the most romantic way to begin this journey. But instead of seeing it as focusing on worst-case scenarios, look at it as an opportunity, while you are both happy

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and on the same page, to put down how you want to deal with various hypothetical circumstances. Once this is done, you can put the document away, and if all goes according to plan, you will never have to look at it again. It simply exists as a helpful tool to make a situation easier, should it ever be needed. JP offers some points to consider when drawing up a contract of coownership, but also explains that it is always advisable to have your agreement checked by an attorney, to ensure all aspects comply with South African law. The agreement should specify: • Who will be responsible for the initial payments, such as the deposit and transfer fees, or how these costs will be split between both parties. • The amounts that each person is responsible for paying on an ongoing basis. These include bond payments, rates and levies, as well as any maintenance that needs to be done to the property. • What proportion each person will own in the property. • Who is allowed to occupy the property. • How the proceeds from the sale of the property should be split.

What needs to be done if one party wishes to sell their portion of the property. What happens to the property and ownership in the property if the relationship ends, as well in the event of the death or incapacity of one of the parties. How the agreement may be terminated. •

With these points taken care of, you can relax and get swept up in the excitement of this journey.



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2014/01/22 9:57 AM


Saucy science It’s February and love is in the air (along with you), so Annie Brookstone is exploring it, along with lust and all those other fun things science is still trying hard to understand.

Taking it slowly Slow down, Speedy Gonzales. Turns out that if he’s interested, he will take things slowly … well, when walking anyway. In a series of tests, researchers from Seattle Pacific University found that guys will walk on average about 7% slower to keep pace with a female romantic partner. Not his better half? Keep up then – they found that men only walk at a significantly slower pace to match the pace of girls they’re gaga over. Platonic friends or other men? Not so much.

illustration: shaun reddiar

Kiss and tell

Kissing is one of life’s greatest pleasures … and it’s also pretty damn strange, if you think about it. Here are some tasty facts about why we dig mashing our lips together, what it means and why it’s even good for us. • An Oxford University study of over 900 adults found that women generally

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value kissing in a relationship more than men do. It might not be all about technique after all: some studies suggest that smooching may be key to helping us pick up subconscious taste and smell cues about a potential partner’s compatibility, genetic fitness and general health. Better floss, yeah? More than 70% of us automatically tilt our heads to the right when going in for the kiss. Those who rate themselves as hotties or have more casual partners and short-term romances are more likely to find kissing important. They are also more likely to be more selective when choosing a long-term partner. Don’t kiss Fido! One Japanese study found a bacteria common to dogs in the mouths of human owners who reported getting cuddly with their canine pets. Eww! •

An Arizona State University study found that making out has relaxation effects similar to those of yoga and meditation.

Naughty by numbers •

30% Reduce in impotence risk in men 50 and older who exercise regularly. Keep it up, gramps! 6-9 billion Number of condoms used worldwide each year. The report didn’t indicate how many of those were used as balloons at rock shows. 1 in 4 Portion of American men who have faked an orgasm, according to a dating-website survey of more than 1 000 guys. Two Number of times a week men should be having sex if they want to halve their risk of heart attack. This according to a study of more than 1 000 men published in the American Journal of Cardiology.



2014/01/21 1:49 PM


True bromance

THE BYPRODUCT OF a reckless teen love affair, I grew up as an only child because my too-young parents had more hormones than sense. My brother is literally ‘a brother from another mother’. We grew up barely knowing one another, spending occasional school holidays together, but never really bonding nor understanding the significance of our weird genetic connection. Family was never important. What DNA we share created us very differently. Although five years my junior, next to me he’s a giant, a towering, solid beefcake of a man. My mother, whose proportions I inherited, fits in my back pocket. I also got her thick blonde hair. By contrast, my brother is Jewish and


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hasn’t had a hair on his head in years. You would struggle to find two more different-looking men. We grew up emotionally and physically disconnected, and had very different childhoods – I imagine he hung out in the malls of Sandton, while I was a committed beach bum from Umhlanga Rocks. He sensibly went into banking, while I defied all reason and pursued ‘creative interests’. As adults, though, we’ve somehow discovered some invisible thread: that we’re linked the way twins separated at birth discover a connection after meeting up later in life. The similarities are often unspoken and obvious only to us, but there’s a tendency to see eye to eye

that’s pretty much resolved the naturenurture debate. Plus, we both finally realised that we have only one brother. This sense of being real siblings didn’t happen until a decade ago. Perhaps distance really does make the heart grow fonder. These days, it’s not merely an hour-long flight that separates us; we’re on opposite sides of the planet, separated by many time zones. He lives in San Francisco with his American wife who, in a few months, will give birth to my niece. When she’s born, she’ll be 100% American, with only a slippery connection to South Africa. When she learns to speak, it will be with that accent, and I doubt her busy life will include too many references to Africa, a place so entrenched in my reality that I find it difficult to contemplate leaving. If she one day visits South Africa, I’ll have to accept that it will be as a tourist, without that ‘born there’ attachment that inextricably links my brother and me to this continent. Migration has taken most of my family and many friends far away from me. It’s deepened my motivation for travel, making many trips abroad more emotionally significant than the visa and passport officials could ever imagine. Because, in my experience, there are few moments more tender than saying goodbye to someone you love before boarding a plane that’s taking you home, while they remain, permanently, on foreign soil.

illustration: shaun reddiar

Keith Bain reflects on the solidarity of DNA.

2014/01/21 1:50 PM

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2013/12/04 9:13 AM


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2013/10/15 12:14 PM 2014/01/06 11:23 AM

khuluma issue 25/Feb2014  
khuluma issue 25/Feb2014  

Khuluma is the inflight magazine for Kuluma. Our full colour glossy in-flight magazine is free for you to take home and enjoy. Every month w...