October 11, 2013
Features Has Got Mail From: C. HOOK Subject: FU2 Man
PANet Passwords 10. datpAssword1
Fwd: yaaaaa braaaa can ya beliave thisss? Sorry my hook kept getting stuck on the keyyyyysssssss... __________________________ Dear C. Hook, I regret to inform you that you are currently receiving an “F” and an “Unsatisfactory” in Music 340, African Music and Culture, at midterms. Together, that’s one big FU. Your teacher listed numerous complaints regarding your destruction of classroom property. The drums are a privilege. They are meant to be hit with human hands, not sharp metal objects. Despite your teacher’s clear requests, you have still broken two drums and have caused significant harm to your classmates. Four and a half of your classmates have been hospitalized because of your actions, and two have suffered near-death experiences. Sincerely, Dean James Deen
From: Yo Favorite Clustah Dean Subject: Cluster Updates and Munch y’all!!
Good evening students of PA’s best cluster ever!!! I hope you all had an exciting, respectful, adequately clothed weekend!
Munch: I was thrilled everyone loved the coffee and power bar munch last week—so I invite you to come drop by my place on Wednesday at 9 p.m. for caffeine tabs and Red Bull! In addition, if you’re interested in volunteering as Torchbearer in next week’s annual Cluster Sacrifice, shoot me an e-mail.
7. lost4-8-15-16-23-42 6. puffpuffpassword420 5. alohamoraHP7 4. Mrsjohnpalf<3 3. Click here if you have forgotten, need to unlock, or would like to change your andover.edu password 2. 1amsohot1amsohot
Abscesses: Please check your entire body to make sure no abscesses or stress boils have developed over the past week—if so, Isham has a fantastic selection of dermatological ointments! An extra special happy birthday to: Kim J. Kim, Ryan McStudent, Drew Peacock and Belle Tower! - Your warm and fuzzy Cluster Dean
From: firstname.lastname@example.org Subject: ANTISOCIAL CLUB: Uhh... I don’t like people I guess
Hey guys, This week, we will not be having a meeting because, according to the “General Complaints” section of the poll we sent out yesterday, attending Andover Antisocial Club causes many of you to feel more outgoing. Thus, meetings will only be once a month from now on. Our next meeting will be held at the graveyard behind SamPhil because it will be Halloween-themed. Also, there are too many random people making out in the Cochran Bird Sanctuary for us to continue having meetings there. At the next AAC meeting, we will be discussing the best ways to convince trick-or-treaters that you are not inside your house even if you really are, and there’ll be some more in-depth talk about how to avoid people in general. One final note: please stop bringing your friends to meetings. Actually, if you have friends, please stop bringing yourself to meetings. Have a lonesome day! The Bored
1. heartFeature4eva Dear Students, Last Saturday night, a student’s dignity was found on Susie’s Terrace, presumably lost when a faculty member sent him back to his dorm to change out of his “inappropriate clothing.” This is the newest addition to an extensive number of dignities found around campus lately. Will the following people please claim their dignities from the Dean of Students office: ROSEMARY HALL, CHOATE: found on the football field after losing 41-7 HORNIK, MEESO: left behind at her last math test EM, EMIN: lost himself in the music and left his dignity behind … And anyone who was kicked out of top floor of the library due to rambunctious studying last night. These dignities are in the Dean of Students office. Please pick up your lost dignity as soon as possible.
From: MailRoom%PA@andover.edu Subject: You Have an Item in the Mailroom! REPEAT WARNING (2): Hello Jonathan R. Kelly! You have received 1 item in the mailroom at Central Services. Type:
Everybody knows the more e-mails you recieve, the cooler you are. Get more e-mails! Write for Features! E-mail: jmarrus or rremmel (or rirvin and esimon if you’re feeling in touch with the next generation) Contributing writers this week: Timothy Bullens, Teddy Lasry, Karissa Kang, Julian Otis, Gabe Braunstein, Carolyn Zhao and Henrietta O’Flaherty.
Please pick up your item at the Mailroom service window within the next two days. Five days ago, concerns were raised within the Central Services facility, forcing us to question the legality of your package. The staff is obligated to inform your House Counselor about the affairs pertaining to your package if you refuse to pick it up yourself. Quacking, vigorous shaking and a questionable odor have led us to believe that your package may contain living contents. We do not wish to intrude upon your privacy, but will kindly state that you cannot illicitly obtain farm animals. We cannot send the package back, as the return address states “000, The Quackmarket.” We do not find this funny. We know who you are and would appreciate you living up to your hefty purchase. -Central Services Team/Mailroom Faculty
From: DJ Pauly D Subject: How forgetful you’ve become, and how quickly.
Dear Phillipians, For quite some time now, we’ve been ambiguously ambidextrous regarding the ambiguity of our reminder emails. In order to efface this ineffective inefficiency, we’d like to make things as clear as crystal geyser water. Restrictions at upcoming dances will now be restructured to be more restrictive. Should students come into contact with one another, they must be chemically washed and must report directly to the Andover Voluntary Policeman Union to be questioned. In regards to attire, students will not be allowed to wear bright colors because it may offend the dull colors. In addition, all epidermis must be covered because flu season is on the way and we must keep our four bodily humors in check. In other words, have lots of non sibi fun this weekend. Conservatively, Your Proxy Parents
From: Daddy Warbucks Subject: Our firm’s corporate bylaws.
Dear Customer, Our records indicate that your account has been overdrafted eight times in the past three days. Bank policy requires that you receive this notice if we pay for items that overdraw your account. Transactions: 10.03.13 - $39.99 The Beginner’s Guide to Dungeons and Dragons 10.04.13 - $189.99 Glamdring, the Sword of Gandalf - $490.00 Starlight 100 percent Cashmere Cape - $198.00 Chainmail Shirt Hauberk 10.05.13 - $2.99 Johnson & Johnson Hospital Grade Rolled Gauze, 2” x 2.5 yds - $2.98 Swan Medical Alcohol - $24.77 Fiskars 9668 Long Handle Digging Shovel - $2.99 Scott’s Premium Earthgro Topsoil Overdrawn balance: $-896.73. Since your account indicates that you are a minor, a copy of the transactions and overdraft costs has been sent to your parents via express mail. Have a nice day! Bank of America, N.A.