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IMPORTANT FROM THE CHAIRMAN For many years this magazine has been produced by Dennis Murphy and during this time the magazine has gone from strength to strength. I would like to thank him for all his work over the years and his efforts to produce a first class magazine on schedule. At the AGM this year Dennis said that he wished to hand over the responsibility to someone else but would carry on for two more editions if required. A request for a volunteer to act as Editor was made at the AGM but without any success, a further request was made in the last magazine, again without any results. Consequently this will probably be the last magazine you will receive in this format for some considerable time. We have discussed what options are available to us, none of which are really ideal alternatives: 1. Employ someone to act as Editor for all aspects of the magazine. 2. Employ someone to arrange the layout of the magazine and then distribute it by e-mail ourselves. 3. Send out items via e-mail without any arrangement of items and contents. 4. Dispense with the magazine and just send out any urgent information via e-mail or letter. 5. Have the magazine printed externally having arranged it ourselves. 6. Any other alternatives which you may yet suggest. It should be noted that for members who do not have e-mail facilities, postal distribution would be used. It should also be noted that alternatives 1 and 2 have financial implications. Hopefully a volunteer will come forward. Details of the work involved can be found in an article by Liz. I hope that we can get feedback from you on this subject as it is a very important aspect of the clubâ€™s activities. Please send any comments to me at email@example.com Many thanks.
Bill Buckley 6
FROM YOUR EDITOR We took the Beauford down to Exeter for the last show of the year which turned out to be a bit of an adventure. I’d been having problems with the volt meter reading low and the battery not charging but this seemed to be an intermittent fault. One day every thing was fine, the next there was a problem. I was always under the impression that an alternator either worked or it didn’t, so I was afraid I was going to be looking for a loose wire or a bad connection somewhere. Anyway, by the time we had driven to the showground, met Liz and Tony, set up the stand and heard all about their news it was dark outside and driving back to the hotel with the lights on finished the battery completely. We were about 300 uphill yards from the hotel when the engine died, but people appeared from nowhere to help and we got the car into the hotel car park. I’d packed the battery charger thinking that if I took it I wouldn’t need it. That didn’t quite work out as I’d hoped, but it meant I could use it in the room. Well there was a No Smoking sign there but I didn’t see a No Battery Charging sign. We found an auto electrician on the Monday morning who checked things over, discovered that the alternator had finally died and fitted us with a new one which meant we could drive home, in the rain, with the lights and wipers on. So - the good news is that I haven’t got any dodgy wiring after all! As for the show itself, it seemed to me that most of the usual traders were there plus a good selection of car manufacturers but it wasn’t overcrowded with visitors at £11 a time. We were rather closed in behind some tall displays, but plenty of people were admiring Tony’s car and having a chat about Beauford Cars. At the time of writing I have not had any offers to take over as editor of the magazine, so this will be the last one for a while so make sure that Liz has got your correct e-mail address. I would like to thank all my regular contributors, especially Messrs Lewington, Freeman and Razey, (sounds like a shoe shop!) and also Maureen Horsfield. Admiration must also go to Liz and Tony for being the backbone of the club for so long and to my wife Maureen for her help with proof-reading, folding, stapling, packing and posting.
OVENDENâ€™S OFFERING Itâ€™s taken me a long while to sit down and write this article for the magazine. I feel very sad that it may be the last one I write for a while as we have still not had anyone come forward to offer to take over as our new Editor. I am sure there must be someone out there who would be willing to give it a try, and if it does not work out, then so be it, we will be no worse off than now. Dennis tells us that he usually spends about three or four evenings preparing the magazine and Maureen helps with the enveloping stuffing and posting. The magazine is set up in Microsoft Publisher and then printed using the Clubâ€™s printer which, although it is supposed to collate, sometimes does need a bit of manual input. I believe Dennis usually prints off about 220 copies or so and I e-mail him the addresses for each issue in a format which he can then just run off onto address labels. If anyone would like to do the editor bit but not the printing part then that would be a start. I also think it would be a good idea if magazines were e-mailed to all overseas members, which would mean that the need to go to a Post Office would be eliminated (apart from posting a batch to me, but we may be able to get round that). Copies of the magazines are also now posted on our web site, where anyone can read them. I really do not want to become a one man band running the club, and Tony would certainly not be at all happy about it and I am afraid I do agree with him. However, I propose that if no one comes forward which means there is no magazine as such as, then in January or February I will do a newsletter which I will send out to all members together with their membership renewal forms. After that I will just try and e-mail members with any vital information, show dates, etc. and all relevant information will be put on the web site. If the situation has not changed by the AGM in May, we will have to have a discussion and take a decision as to what we want to do in the future. Regarding e-mails, I have had members tell me that they have not been reminded that their membership renewal is due (I know sometimes it is difficult to remember if you have paid or not), but renewals are due for everyone on 1st MARCH. I do believe that sometimes my e-mails may go straight into Spam or Deleted boxes as being spam. I have learnt over the years to check my deleted 8
box before I empty it as it has been known that a message which I do need has gone straight into it. Please therefore check your Deleted and Spam boxes before you empty them. In future all messages I send out will have as the subject matter ‘Beauford Club’. You may also receive a message from me addressed to ‘undisclosed recipients’, but this will be because I do not want to list all the e-mail addresses on each message. I shall have great fun later on copying everyone’s e-mail address into a single message group for Beauford club purposes! Now for more exciting news – our car is on the road! What fun we have had. In the last magazine I mentioned that it failed its first IVA test on several things, most of which were a bit daft (to our mind at least). Anyway, everything was altered to be compliant with the rules, the disc brakes were completely replaced with everything new, including discs, callipers, hand brake cable, the lot. At the retest everything passed, the inspector even calibrated the speedo for us. However, the brakes were still a failure, and not even by a small amount. Very strange as everything was new. After much investigation we discovered that our original donor car, an XR4i (having had at least 11 previous owners) had somewhere along the line had its rear brakes changed from drum to disc, the result being that they were not so efficient. With the help of the internet and eBay we managed to find a set of drums (10” for the XR4i) and fitted them, together with new shoes and everything else. We took the car down to our local garage for a rolling road test and they seemed to be a lot, lot better. Incidentally, standard Sierra drums are 9” and we have a set of these if anyone needs them (reasonably priced). Meanwhile our testing centre in Birmingham had closed down. Our tester, Paul, was going to be based at Kidderminster but because there was a time delay between Birmingham closing and Kidderminster opening (health and safety approval) we had to take the car to Derby for its retest and by now we were into September. However, on the 13th September we took it to Derby just to get the brakes tested and it passed. The following day, 14th September, we headed up to the DVLA in Birmingham armed with every bit of paper we could think of and filled in the relevant forms to get the car registered. We were 9
told that someone would contact us shortly to arrange an appointment for us to get the car checked over. Two weeks later we received a letter giving us an appointment for the 19th October! (five weeks after filling in the forms). I rang the DVLA at Swansea (can’t ring Birmingham direct) and spoke to this jobsworth man, explaining that we would like to go on a cancellation list or try and get an earlier appointment as we were hoping to take the car away on the 21st October. I was very polite and asked him nicely but all I could get out of him was “I’m sorry madam, you will have to accept the appointment you have been given, there is nothing which can be done.” I put the phone down, dialled the number again and this time spoke to a very helpful young lady who got Birmingham to ring me back and an appointment was made for 6th October. We duly turned up and all they did was check that the chassis and engine numbers were the same as on their paperwork. We were then told that we would hear from them in a couple of days with our new registration number and tax disc. Two weeks later (17th October), just as I was about to ring them the documents arrived. A total of five weeks to register the car. We also have an awful registration number plate, which I think we will have to change. The letters are UFK, or as a way of remembering them F in UK. Quite! I can now also confirm that our car is a ‘B’ registration (same as the donor vehicle) but is registered in 2011 and definitely does not need an MOT for three years. The moral of this story is that if you are having problems with IVA/DVLA then please don’t despair, you will get there in the end. You just have to remember that you are dealing with government bodies, who are allowed to take as much time as they like in doing things, because they can, and there is nothing you can do about it. Incidentally, I just thought I would let you know that although the Beauford only weighs just under 1200kg, for the purposes of IVA they add the weight of four imaginary passengers plus luggage to make a total weight of 1550kg. The brake percentage pass rate is a lot higher (60% of 1550kg) than that required by the standard MOT (40% of 1200kg) so our original disc brakes would have passed an MOT easily, but not IVA.
Web site I am hoping that we will have a new page on the web site which will be for useful hints and tips. For instance, we have an article on how Tony did our rear seat belts (this is also in this edition of the magazine) and this will be put on the site for others to look at. If you have any articles which may be of use to builders then please e-mail them to me and Iâ€™ll get them put on. Incidentally, as mentioned before, Tony has kept his own build database of where he has obtained lots of bits and pieces over the internet, from nuts and bolts to larger items so we can provide details of suppliers of some items. If you specifically want something then please give us a ring. We all know Fords only seem to keep spare parts for cars up to a certain age so we may be able to help with this also.
Exeter - October 2011 Tony and I and Dennis and Maureen Murphy attended this show which is the last one being organised by John Cooke who has decided to take early retirement. I believe that this show, and Detling in the Spring, will be organised by Roger Cooling who also runs Stoneleigh. As yet I have no dates for either of these shows in 2012, but as and when I get them Iâ€™ll put them on the web site. This seemed to be the week-end of Beaufords going wrong. Dennis has had an intermittent fault with his alternator which decided to pack up completely and meant an extra nightâ€™s stay at our hotel so he could get a new one on the Monday (not a single alternator available at the show). He found a good auto electrician who sorted the car out for him and he now has a battery which stays fully charged. As for us, going to Exeter was our maiden voyage and we did seem to have clutch problems when we came off the M5 at Exeter. We took the car up to the showground, put it on the stand and left it there until Monday morning, when we arranged to have a relay home. It turned out to be the gearbox (Tony had had a suspicion that all was not well in that department but had not really had a chance to test the car). The gearbox has now been replaced and (fingers crossed) I think all is now well. 11
Detling - 2012 No dates are yet available for Detling (see Exeter above).
Renewals As previously mentioned, renewals will either go out with the next magazine (if a new Editor comes forward) or by post to you in February next year.
National Kit Car Show, Stoneleigh 6th and 7th May 2012 I can confirm the dates for the Stoneleigh Show next year will be 6th and 7th May but so far I have not heard from the organisers. We want to book our club stand and a room for the AGM and as soon as I do I will confirm details on the web site.
Club Facilities I have recently purchased a new hot water boiler for the club following the scalding I received when I was cleaning out the old one and the handle dropped off! The new one is very slightly bigger than the previous one but will still work off the generator and hopefully will keep all visitors happy with a constant supply of hot water for teas and coffees.
Batteries If any member is interested in a new battery, I have received the following information from Linden Special Vehicles and have put a link to them on the Club web site. â€˜Ultra-lightweight high performance car batteries. You get a great battery for a fraction of the weight - our batteries weight as little as 6lbs! They have been designed for racing car teams but are now available for the general public. These batteries really are powerful but small. Mention your membership number when ordering and you will get a 10% discount.â€™
PROTECT YOUR ADDRESS BOOK Here’s an ingenious trick. As you may know, when or if a worm virus gets into your computer it heads straight for your e-mail address book, and sends itself to everyone in there, thus infecting all your friends and associates. This trick won’t keep the virus from getting into your computer, but it will stop it from using your address book to spread further, and it will alert you to the fact that the worm has got into your system. Here’s what you do: First, open your address book and click on ‘new contact,’ just as you would if you were adding a new friend to your list of e-mail addresses. In the window where you type your friend’s first name, type in ‘A’. For the screen name or e-mail address, type ‘AAAAAA@AAA.AAA’. Now, here’s what you’ve done and why it works: The name ‘A’ will be placed at the top of your address book as entry No1.This will be where the worm will start in an effort to send itself to all your friends. When it tries to send itself to AAAAAA@AAA.AAA, it will be undeliverable because of the phony e-mail address you entered. If the first attempt fails (which it will because of the phony address), the worm goes no further and none of your friends will be infected. Here’s the second great advantage of this method: If an e-mail cannot be delivered, you will be notified of this in your In Box almost immediately. So, if you ever get an e-mail telling you that an e-mail addressed to AAAAAA@AAA.AAA could not be delivered, you know that you’ve got a worm virus in your system and you can take steps to get rid of it!
REAR SEAT BELTS Several people have spoken to me about the rear seat belt mountings on the Beauford. The height required by IVA means that the normal top anchorage point from which the belt hangs can lead to difficulties when the hood is lowered. I decided that it should be possible to design a mounting that did not project so far above the seat. Normally the seat belt hangs down from a ‘D’ shaped fixture. The highest point of the belt is therefore the bottom of the ‘D’. This necessarily means that the supporting metal continues above the anchorage point. You will see from the photos that on my arrangement, the high point is on top of the mounting allowing for a lower projection above the rear shelf. In the diagram below (taken from the IVA manual) the effective height must be at least 450mm. I used a wooden block and a long spirit level to give me the reference points.
I decided that in order to achieve sufficient rigidity I needed to install an ‘A’ frame welded to the main chassis rails at the base and to the rear shelf support rail at the top. A box section cross-brace is welded between the two ‘legs’ and this in turn is secured to the top of the rear suspension mount (Sierra based cars only). The materials used were 50mm x 10mm flat bar steel for the main framework, 40mm x 40mm x 3mm box section steel for the cross bracing and infill pieces and a short length of 30mm x 4mm angle to make brackets onto the chassis. This is my finished framework. The front leg of the ‘A’ is angled to follow the rake of the rear seat back. The seatbelt reel is to be mounted on the back of the rear leg, the belt is routed up and over the top of the whole structure. Pieces of 30mm x 4mm angle have been welded to the outside of the chassis member to give a wider area to which the 50mm x 10mm uprights can be welded in line with the top of the suspension mount. A new seatbelt lower anchorage is provided just in front of the forward upright (a protruding bolt-head shows where). This must incorporate a captive 7/16” or 11mm nut welded beneath the angle to receive a suitable HT bolt (8.8 grade) Best to weld this to the steel angle before it is welded to the chassis. 15
Rear shelf cut out to expose the steel angle support rail beneath. The two uprights are welded to the back and front of this rail as shown.
A section of 40mm x 40mm box section steel strut is welded between the two uprights in a position just above the top of the suspension mounting.
The outside of this strut is attached to the top of the suspension turret by means of an angled bracket.
Finally, a small triangular piece of box section is welded to the top of the rear shelf support and between the two uprights. The small bracket seen attached to the front is for holding the seat back in place. The seat belt is routed from the reel mounted on the back of the rearmost upright, up and over the top of the framework. The front guide is the standard one provided as part of the seatbelt kit but fitted upside-down, the rear guide is made from a standard top mounting guide (from a breakerâ€™s yard) with the centre cut out to allow the belt to pass through. This ensures that the belt does not pass over any sharp edges that could cause damage.
This arrangement passed IVA at Birmingham VOSA without comment. I used various length 7/16â€? HT nuts and bolts throughout. These were the same grade (8.8) as the ones supplied with my seatbelts. Where the mountings are bolted through the wooden floor the wood must be drilled out to allow suitable spacers to be used. The wood itself must not form part of the mounting, there must be metal-to-metal contact throughout. I cut spacers from 30mm round aluminium bar with a 12mm hole bored through them.
Tony Ovenden 17
THE EDITORâ€™S ASSISTANT Eye have a spelling chequer It came with my pea sea It plain lee marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea. Aye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write. It shows me strait a weigh. As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long And eye can put the error rite Its rare lea ever wrong. Eye have run this poem threw it I am shore your pleased two no Its letter perfect awl the weigh My chequer tolled me sew.
Allan Razey ENGLISH LESSON The bandage was wound around the wound. The farm was used to produce produce. The tip was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. We must polish the Polish furniture. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. I did not object to the object. The insurance was invalid for the invalid. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. They were too close to the door to close it. The buck does funny things when the does are present. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? 18
THE IMPORTANCE OF WALKING My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 and we have no idea where the hell he is. The only reason I took up walking was so that I could hear heavy breathing again. I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain works out what I’m doing. The advantage of exercising every day is that when you die they’ll say, “Well, he looked good didn’t he?” If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our heads. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a pub with a happy hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.
DIVORCE vs MURDER A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the chemist shop, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.” The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?” The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.” The pharmacist’s eyes widened and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. That’s against the law! I’ll lose my licence! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! No you CANNOT have any cyanide!” The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife. He looked at the picture and replied, “Well now, that’s different...You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.” 19
ALL ENDS UP It’s easy to understand UP, meaning towards the sky, but in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and someone fixes UP the car in the lock UP. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special. A drain must be opened UP because it is blocked UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we shut UP shop at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! Look UP the word UP. In my dictionary, words starting with UP take UP almost five columns and UP has over thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. I could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP, for now - my time’s UP – so I’ll shut UP!
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?” “Sixteen,” the boy replied. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. “How do you know that?” “Easy,” the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it UP. Like the man said: ‘four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer’.”
WHAT A COINCIDENCE A chicken farmer went to his local bar, sat at the counter next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perked up and said, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!” “What a coincidence!” the farmer said. “This is a special day for me. I’m celebrating.” “This is a special day for me too, I’m celebrating as well,” said the woman. “What a coincidence!” said the farmer, as they clinked glasses. He added, “What are you celebrating?” “Well, my husband and I have been trying for two years to have a child and today my gynaecologist has told me that I’m pregnant!” “What a coincidence!” said the man. “I’m a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile but now they are all laying fertilized eggs.” “That’s great!” said the woman, “How did your chickens become fertile?” “I used a different cock,” he replied. The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, “What a coincidence!”
TIPS ON BUYING PETROL Only buy fuel in the early morning when the temperature is still low. Remember that all service stations have their storage tanks buried below ground. The colder the ground the more dense the petrol, when it gets warmer petrol expands, and buying in the afternoon or in the evening means your warmer litre is not exactly the same value as a cold litre. In the petroleum business, the specific gravity and the temperature of the petrol or diesel and other petroleum products play an important role. Unlike in service stations, here where I work, every tanker that we load is temperature compensated so that every litre is actually the exact amount. A one degree rise in temperature is a big deal for this business, but the service stations do not have temperature compensation at the pumps. When youâ€™re filling up do not squeeze the trigger of the nozzle to a fast mode. If you look you will see that the trigger has three stages: low, middle, and high. You should be pumping on low mode, thereby minimizing the vapours that are created while you are pumping. All hoses at the pump have a vapour return. If you are pumping on the fast rate, some of the liquid that goes to your tank becomes vapour. Those vapours are being sucked up and back into the underground storage tank so youâ€™re getting less for your money. One of the most important tips is to fill up when your petrol tank is half full. The reason for this is the more petrol you have in your tank the less air there is occupying the empty space. Petrol evaporates faster than you can imagine. Petrol storage tanks have an internal floating roof which keeps a zero clearance between the petrol and the atmosphere, so it minimizes the evaporation. Finally, if there is a petrol tanker delivering when you stop to buy fuel, do not fill up; itâ€™s possible that the tank is being stirred up as the petrol is being delivered, and you might pick up some of the dirt that normally settles at the bottom.
Maureen Horsfield 22
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED Men are just happier people because: Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is just too icky. You don’t have to stop and think which way to turn a nut. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks and engines. A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Your underwear is £2.50 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes - one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can ‘do’ your nails with a penknife. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.
Maureen Horsfield 23
ASK ME WHY I LIKE RETIREMENT Question: How many days in a week? Answer: Six Saturdays and one Sunday. Question: When is a retiree’s bedtime? Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch. Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all day. Question: What’s the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done. Question: Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors Citizens? Answer: You get a 10% percent discount. Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes. Question: Why do retirees count the pennies? Answer: They are the only ones who have the time. Question: What is the common term for someone who continues to work and refuses to retire? Answer: NUTS! Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their grown-up children will want to store stuff there. Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Normal. Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer: The never ending coffee break. Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you miss a class, no one can call your parents. Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn’t miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth. Question: What do you do all week? Answer: Monday to Friday nothing much, Saturday and Sunday I rest. If you’re not yet retired, just think what you’ve got to look forward to.
BLONDES A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, “What's the story?” He replies, “Just crap in the carburettor.” She asks, “How often do I have to do that?”
A blonde said, “I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.”
DID YOU KNOW? 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
IN THE BIG CITY A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall for the first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, “What is this Father?” The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.” While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, “Go get your Mother.”
Alan Paine A bloke in a London supermarket tries to buy half a cauliflower. The very young greens produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflowers. The bloke persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he’ll ask his manager about it. Walking into the stock room, the boy said to his manager “Some bloody idiot out there wants to buy half a cauliflower.” As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the bloke standing right behind him, so he added, “And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.” The manager approved the deal, and the bloke went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here - where are you from, son?” “Abergavenny, sir,” the boy replied. “Oh, why did you leave Abergavenny?” the manager asked. The boy said, “Well sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there.” “Really?” said the manager, “My wife is from Abergavenny.” “You're kidding?” replied the boy, “What position did she play?” 26
NHS NEWS The British Medical Association has weighed in on Prime Minister David Cameron’s health care proposals. The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve. The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted. Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!” while the Paediatricians said, “Oh, grow up!” The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The ENT specialists wouldn’t hear of it. The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, “This puts a whole new face on the matter.” The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. The Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no. In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in London.
Maureen Horsfield 27
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? OPRAH: I understand that the chicken is having problems, and he badly wants to cross this road. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens. GEORGE W BUSH: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either with us, or against us. COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road. DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed I’ve not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone. GRANDPA: In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough. JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken? BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken? COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
Shirley Murray 28
REAR BELTS I’ve seen Tony’s article about rear seat belt supports, and am one of those people with pillars sticking up through the parcel shelf. However, I have had one bright idea, and that was to move the reels up near the top of the ‘A’ frame rather than being bolted through the floor into the chassis. This means there is more clear space behind the seat and the webbing is less likely to get damaged or dirty from things being kept there. As a bonus, it means that I can now fit the two-part front hood frame into that space when the sun shines.
THE END and thank you all,
FOR SALE A chance to purchase a ‘hardly started’ Beauford kit. This is a two door model on a Cortina based rolling Beauford chassis. All body parts i.e. tub, bulkhead, doors, bonnet, mudguards and skirts, radiator, grill, headlamp shells, floor, etc have been fitted by BEAUFORD. In addition, a DATSUN 2.4 TWIN CARB engine with auto gearbox (purchased from the Z farm) new radiator, twin stainless steel exhaust system, steering column along with both axles all fitted by BEAUFORD. My intention was to build it up to complement my other finished and running Beauford but time and space are eluding me. I have reconditioned the rear axle but all parts have been left off, (A) to show the work done and (B) to access the under rear floor and chassis area to paint it, (now finished in black). Refitting the axle will take about one hour as all bolts are new and greased along with new bushes. Front axle assembly is as fitted by Beauford and is straight from one of their donors, a full recondition is needed. All the Beauford supplied wiring harnesses are complete and still in packs, along with numerous standard packs of shiny nuts/ bolts/fixings by Beauford. Donor log book (X-Reg.), again supplied by Beauford, is included in the sale. TYRES Tread depth 4.5, 4.5, 5.0, & 4.0mm. Refurbished and painted rear brake drums are 10” with new shoes, cylinders and spring kits included. New Beauford fuel tank (two coats Primer) with new fixings supplied. Only one photograph is attached. The others which show all angles are too numerous to be included but can be forwarded to 30
existing Beauford owners in the first instance. To save time I would appreciate only genuine enquiries please from parties passionate about these vehicles and who are fully aware of the actions necessary and have the facilities available to finish the project. Sensible offers around ÂŁ5500 would be considered in the first instance as I am likely to be putting this onto e-bay to reach a wider audience in the near future. Ron Spraggon, Mem. No. 257. Tel 01383 739946.