by Jamie North
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FADE IN: EXT. A BORDER CHECKPOINT BETWEEN SCOTLAND AND ENGLAND - DAY A lonely portakabin on a remote road 10 years from now. England, having left the EU, has made passport checks and visas mandatory for visiting Scots. There is no similar requirement for English people travelling the other way. INT. BORDER CHECKPOINT - DAY An unfriendly processing area with a passport counter. Various hostile signs welcome visiting Scots, including a prominent notice: ‘You are now leaving the European Union’. ANGUS, a terrifying Highland warrior in an 18th century costume, strides up to the passport counter. BORDER OFFICIAL Passport please. Angus places his huge sword on the counter. ANGUS Here’s my passport. BORDER OFFICIAL (Sighing) What is the purpose of your visit to England? ANGUS Business. Maybe a little pleasure. BORDER OFFICIAL Well you won’t be doing any business without a valid passport. ANGUS Listen to me you snivelly crawling weasel prick bastard Englishman. How about I hack off your head with my Claymore and do things with your innards that’ll leave your womenfolk weeping? BORDER OFFICIAL That’s all very terrifying but I’m afraid I can’t let you through without a passport and valid holiday, conditional employment or temporary student visa.
2. ANGUS I don’t remember Butcher Cumberland requesting a holiday visa to march over here and massacre the Highlanders. I don’t recall the Duke of Sutherland having a temporary employment visa to come North and burn my kinsfolk out of their glens. I don’t... An Englishman dressed in an 18th century Redcoat army uniform saunters through the checkpoint from the opposite end, without being asked for a passport. ANGUS (CONT’D) Hey. Where the fuck do you think you’re going? The Englishman ignores him. ANGUS (CONT’D) Hey. Oh so he’s just going to swan through is he? Just help himself to Scotland? No, after you, Sir. Don’t let me get in the way of a little holiday pillage and murder. Off to a wee seaside cottage? Try not to burn too many towns along the way. The Englishman exits the checkpoint. Angus picks up his sword and points it at the people staffing the checkpoint. ANGUS (CONT’D) One of these days I’m going to forget my manners. The Border Official looks at him with eyebrows raised. ANGUS (CONT’D) (Resigned) Fine. He throws his passport and a handful of visa documentation on the counter. BORDER OFFICIAL (Inspecting his passport) No sharp objects allowed across the border. ANGUS It’s not real anyway. He draws his sword, revealing a pathetic plastic blade. The Border Offical stamps and hands back his paperwork. Angus stalks off towards England, a defeated warrior. FADE OUT