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Transformed in Love Leader and Team Manual Help couples create a marriage that lasts a lifetime! Developed in the Archdiocese of Boston and extensively field-tested, Transformed in Love is a ready-to-use Catholic marriage preparation program that helps couples build lasting marriages in today’s culture through an integration of faith with everyday living. While addressing contemporary pastoral challenges regarding marriage and family life, this program helps couples build strong foundations for a lasting union by: • Strengthening their connection with the Catholic faith • Suggesting practical skills for living out the marriage vows • Explaining the nature and sacramental significance of marriage • Providing the witness of faith-filled married couples With options to adapt for use with one-weekend retreats or up to six sessions, Transformed in Love also makes use of a variety of methods—new media, teaching modules, group and individual exercises, and mentoring—to engage couples and offer a comprehensive and practical approach to this vocation.

“I joyfully share this marriage preparation program with all who want to help prepare couples well for the great vocation of marriage . . . . As we go forward with the work of the New Evangelization, helping engaged couples to understand the relationship between marriage and the life of the Church is of great importance. Also, at a time when society far too easily accepts and in many circumstances even encourages divorce, we must do all that we can to prepare couples for their life-long commitment to one another.” — From the foreword by Seán Cardinal Patrick O’Malley, OFM Cap., Archbishop of Boston

“For me the strongest aspect of the program is its focus on Catholic marriage. What is the Catholic theology behind marriage? What does it mean to have a sacramental marriage? How is God fully part of an interfaith marriage? Why does the Church advocate Natural Family Planning? Along with more typical and important marriage prep subjects such as communication and finances, this program is unashamed to profess the truth of what we are about.” — Rev. Mark O’Connell, JCD, Judicial Vicar, Archdiocese of Boston “Most marriage preps offer training in practical skills to maintain a marriage. Transformed in Love presents these valuable skills, but its aim is higher—transformation, not simply maintenance. The program introduces couples to the promises God makes to us through his sacrament of marriage, and to the grace he offers as we help each other to grow in holiness.” — Therese and Pete Braudis, Team Members, married 44+ years “Transformed in Love was undoubtedly one of the best things we did during our engagement. We came into the program looking to learn more about each other and the Catholic Church’s teachings on marriage, and we came out of the program enriched, enlightened, and totally excited to be husband and wife. The beauty of Transformed in Love is that it centers on Church teaching, which allowed us to more fully understand the truth about sacramental marriage. In that context, we learned how to utilize practical tools to build a strong foundation for our marriage and our future family.” — Katie and Benjy, engaged

This Leader and Team Manual is sold with a DVD that provides accompanying teaching tools. Additional online videos and downloadable resources are available at www.transformedinlove.com $27.95


Building Your Catholic Marriage Leader and Team Manual Catholic Archdiocese of Boston

BOOKS & MEDIA Boston


Nihil Obstat: J. David Franks, Ph.D. Imprimatur: X Seán Cardinal O’Malley, OFM Cap. Archbishop of Boston March 4, 2013 Many manufacturers and sellers distinguish their products through the use of trademarks. Any trademarked designations that appear in this book are used in good faith but are not authorized by, associated with, or sponsored by the trademark owners. Scripture texts in this program are taken from the New American Bible, revised edition, © 2010, 1991, 1986, 1970, Confraternity of Christian Doctrine, Washington, D.C., and are used by permission of the copyright owner. All rights reserved. No part of the New American Bible may be reproduced in any form without permission in writing from the copyright owner. Program excerpts from the English translation of the Catechism of the Catholic Church for use in the United States of America, © 1994, United States Catholic Conference, Inc. (USCCB)—Libreria Editrice Vaticana. Used with permission. Excerpts from the English translation of the Rite of Marriage, © 1969, International Commission on English in the Liturgy Corporation (ICEL); excerpts from the English translation of A Book of Prayers, © 1982, ICEL; excerpts from the English translation of Book of Blessings © 1988, ICEL; excerpts from the English translation of The Roman Missal, © 2010, ICEL. All rights reserved. Excerpt from Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate® Dictionary, Eleventh Edition, © 2012 by Merriam-Webster Incorporated (www.Meriam-Webster.com). Used with permission. Excerpt adapted from New Commentary on the Code of Canon Law, © 2000 by The Canon Law Society of America, Paulist Press, Inc., New York/ Nahway, N.J. Used with permission. www.paulist.com. Program excerpts: Trussell J. “Contraceptive Efficacy” in Contraceptive Technology: Twentieth Revised Edition, © 2011 by Ardent Media. Reprinted with permission. Used with the permission of the Libreria Editrice Vaticana, All rights reserved. Excerpts from the “Pontifical Council for the Family, Preparation for the Sacrament of Marriage,” © 1996. Excerpts from the “Encyclical Letter Deus Caritas Est of the Supreme Pontiff Benedict XVI to the Bishops, Priests, and Deacons, Men and Women Religious, and All The Lay Faithful on Christian Love,” © 2005. Excerpts from “On the Sacred Liturgy Sacrosanctum Concilium Solemnly Promulgated By His Holiness Pope Paul VI,” © 1963. Instructional Slides on DVD Excerpts from Code of Canon Law: Latin-English Edition, New Translation, © 2012, Canon Law Society of America, Washington, D.C., are reprinted with permission. All rights reserved. Natural Family Planning statistics for slide no. 25 of Topic 11 have been compiled from the following method-specific efficacy studies: Arevalo, M., Jennings, et al., “Efficacy of a New Method of Family Planning: the Standard Day Method,” Contraception, 65 (2002): 333–338. Arevalo M. Jennings, et al., “Efficacy of the New TwoDay Method of Family Planning,” Fertility and Sterility, 2004;82:885–892. Fehring, R. J., et al., “Efficacy of Cervical Mucus Observations Plus Electronic Hormonal Fertility Monitoring as a Method of Natural Family Planning,” Journal of Obstetric, Gynecological, and Neonatal Nursing, 2007; 36:152–160. Frank-Hermann, P., et al., “The Effectiveness of a Fertility Awareness Based Method to Avoid Pregnancy in Relation to a Couple’s Sexual Behavior During the Fertile Time: A Prospective Longitudinal Study,” Human Reproduction, 2007; 22:1310–1319. J. Trussell and L. Grummer-Strawn, “Contraceptive Failure of the Ovulation Method of Periodic Abstinence,” Family Planning Perspectives, 22 (1990): 65–75. Cover design by Rosana Usselmann Cover photos: istockphoto.com Interior and slide photos: istockphoto.com; Mary Emmanuel Alves, FSP (slide nos. 3, 4, Topic 4: portrait of FSP in prayer) ISBN-10: 0-8198-7489-2 ISBN-13: 978-0-8198-7489-4 All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher. “P” and PAULINE are registered trademarks of the Daughters of St. Paul. Copyright © 2013, Archdiocese of Boston Published by Pauline Books & Media, 50 Saint Pauls Avenue, Boston, MA 02130-3491 Printed in the U.S.A. www.pauline.org Pauline Books & Media is the publishing house of the Daughters of St. Paul, an international congregation of women religious serving the Church with the communications media. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

17 16 15 14 13


Contents Foreword by Seån Cardinal O’Malley, OFM Cap. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ix Acknowledgments . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . xi Transformed in Love: Goals and Pedagogy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 Transformed in Love: Program and Curriculum Overview . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3 Team Leader Information and Preparation Materials . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13 Introductory Letter . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13 Five Step Process to Offer Transformed in Love . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 14 Program Format Options . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15 Program Format Options in Detail . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 17 Four Session Format . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 18 Six Session Format . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20 Two Day Format . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22 Retreat Weekend Model Format . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 24 Qualities to Look for in Team Members . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 26 Team Member Roles and Responsibilities . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 27 Team Leader . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 27 Priest . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 28 Married Couples . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 28 Master of Ceremonies/Emcee . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 29 Hospitality Coordinator . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 30 Time Keeper . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 30 Small Group Facilitator . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 30 Registration Coordinator . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 31 Prayer Partner Coordinator . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 31 Team Composition Options . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 32 Three Step Process to Train New Team Members . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 33 Site Options and Practical Considerations . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 34 Sample Check-In Directions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 35 Materials Checklist . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 35 Team Leader Prayers . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 37


Team Member Information and Preparation Materials . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 39 Letter to Potential Team Members . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 39 Qualities of a Team Member . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 40 Team Member Roles and Responsibilities . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 41 Team Member Introductions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 41 Presenter Information. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 42 Tips for Presenting: A Must Read! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 42 Ten Steps to Prepare Topic Content . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 45 Topic Content Review Worksheet . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 46 Topic Content Practice Worksheet . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 47 Topic Content Feedback Form . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 48 Tips for Witness Presentations . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 49 Ten Steps to Prepare a Witness Presentation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 51 Witness Presentation Brainstorming Ideas Worksheet . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 52 Witness Presentation Word-for-Word Worksheet . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 53 Witness Presentation Outline Worksheet . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 56 Witness Presentation Submission Form . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 57 Witness Presentation Practice Worksheet . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 58 Witness Presentation Feedback Form . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 59 Team Member Prayers . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 60 Small Group Discussion Facilitation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 61 Steps for Facilitating . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 62 Tips for Leading a Good Small-Group Discussion . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 63

Master of Ceremonies/Emcee Information and Preparation Materials . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 65 Foundational Principles . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 66 General Overview . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 67 Program Opening Outline . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 70 Program Wrap-Up Outline . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 79 Session Opening Instructions (for sessions other than the first) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 82 Session Closing Instructions (for sessions other than the last) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 83 Emcee Role for Topic 10: The Teaching Mass . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 85


Topic 1: Self-Knowledge Who Am I? Who Are You? We Are the Builders . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 89 Topic 2: Communication Our Relationship Needs Some TLC: Skills for Building . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 109 Topic 3: Expectations What Are We Expecting? What Will Our Marriage Be Like? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 135 Topic 4: What Is Love? Seeking the Good of the Other: Making Our House a Home . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 147 Topic 5: What Is Marriage? God’s Plan for Love and Life: The Architect’s Design . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 157 Topic 6: What Is Sacramental Marriage? You, Me, and Jesus: Our Marriage Transformed By and Radiating His Love . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 173 Topic 7: The Rite of Marriage I Do, Do You? The Promises We Make and Live . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 191 Topic 8: Finances Yours, Mine, OURS: Resources for Marriage and Family Life . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 207 Topic 9: Eight Spiritual Practices for Marriage and Family Life Nurturing Faith: Building a Firm Foundation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 221 Topic 10: The Teaching Mass The Presence of Christ: The Cornerstone of Our Marriage . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 237 Topic 11: Marital Sexuality A Divine Design: The Architect’s Plan to Nurture Love and Life . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 265 Topic 12: We Are on a Mission To Guard, Reveal, and Communicate Love: Making Sure Our Marriage Lasts a Lifetime . . . . . . . . . . . 299

Program Surveys and Forms . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 311 Pre-Program Survey . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 313 Post-Program Survey . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 315 Program Evaluation Form . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 317 Certificate of Completion . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 319


Foreword

My dear friends in Christ, Allow me this opportunity to thank you for your interest in Transformed in Love: Building Your Catholic Marriage. I joyfully share this marriage preparation program with all who want to help prepare couples well for the great vocation of marriage. It is my hope that Transformed in Love will be an instrument of God’s grace in the New Evangelization and that it will serve to strengthen the vocation of marriage not only in our archdiocese but also in the wider Church. As we go forward with the work of the New Evangelization, helping engaged couples to understand the relationship between marriage and the life of the Church is of great importance. Also, at a time when society far too easily accepts and in many circumstances even encourages divorce, we must do all that we can to prepare couples for their life-long commitment to one another. Transformed in Love was developed, at my initiative and with the assistance of over forty people, to do just this. I am deeply grateful to Ms. Kari J. Colella, Coordinator of Marriage Ministries, and all who so generously gave of their time and talents to develop this preparation program. I wish you all the best as you make use of this program, and please be assured of my prayers for you and all who benefit from Transformed in Love: Building Your Catholic Marriage; including but not limited to priests, deacons, religious, team members, and most especially the engaged couples (and any children they may have) for whom this program exists. Asking God to bless you and all whom you hold dear with His abundant graces, I remain Devotedly yours in Christ,

Seån Cardinal O’Malley, OFM Cap. Archbishop of Boston

ix


Topic 1

Self-Knowledge Who Am I? Who Are You? We Are the Builders

ďƒ‚â€‚Length: 75 minutes Goals 1. To help the engaged couples deepen their knowledge of self and of their future spouse in order to be better able to give themselves in marriage. 2. To encourage: a) on-going self-discovery, b) acceptance of differences, and c) growth in virtue in order to improve self and love one another throughout marriage.

Recommended Presenter Any team member, individual, or couple.

Presenter Objectives 1. Present the importance of self-knowledge and maturity in being able to give oneself in marriage. 2. Introduce the concepts of nature, nurture, and true self. 3. Teach the four temperaments. 4. Share their understanding of their own temperament and the benefit of this knowledge. 5. Discuss family of origin influences. 6. Define and explain virtues. 7. Discuss the importance of growth in virtue as a means of growing together in love. 8. Explain the concept of true self.

89


Topic 1

Engaged Couple Objectives 1. Learn the importance of self-knowledge and maturity in being able to give oneself in marriage. 2. Learn about the four temperaments and identify their own temperament. 3. Examine their family of origin. 4. Learn the importance of growth in virtue for marriage and family life. 5. Grow in their appreciation of differences as a source of strength in their relationship. 6. Discuss their temperaments and family of origin.

Materials 1. Computer and projector, TV and DVD player, or dry erase board. 2. Slide presentation, DVD, or dry erase markers.

Tips for This Topic 1. This topic may be presented by an individual or couple with no previous exposure to temperament theory. If this is the case, presenters may want to both learn more and/or take a longer inventory than provided in the workbook in order to better understand their own temperament. A good resource is The Temperament God Gave You: The Classic Key to Knowing Yourself, Getting Along with Others, and Growing Closer to the Lord by Art and Laraine Bennett (Sophia Institute Press, 2005). 2. Avoid recommending other types of personality assessments such as the Meyers Briggs Type Indicator, Keirsey Temperament Sorter, the Enneagram, online inventories, etc. Some of these, or others you know about, may not support Catholic principles and values and should not be recommended through this program.

90


Topic 1

General Overview TM pg no.

WB pg no.

Slide no.

Length

Type

Segment

00:01:00

Presentation

Introduction

92

5

1

00:01:00

Presentation

Scripture

93

5

2

00:02:00

Presentation

Who am I?

93

6

3

00:02:00

Presentation

Nature: Temperament theory introduction

94

7

4

00:08:00

Activity

Temperament inventory

95

10

No slide

00:08:00

Presentation

Four temperaments

96

7

5–8

00:04:00

Witness

Temperaments

101

——

9

00:02:00

Presentation

Exploring nurture

102

8

10

00:08:00

Presentation

Family of origin

102

8

11, 12

00:08:00

Activity

Family of origin inventory

104

11

No slide

00:08:00

Presentation

Virtues and vices

105

8

13

00:04:00

Witness

Virtues and vices

106

——

00:01:00

Presentation

True self

107

9

14

00:01:00

Presentation

Conclusion

107

9

15

00:17:00

Activity

Blueprint and activity

108

169, 170

16

No slide

75 minutes total time 00:34:00

Presentation time

00:08:00

Witness time

00:33:00

Activity time

91


Topic 1

Introduction

 1 minute Step 1:   Click on slide 1 or write on the board:

Self-Knowledge: Who Am I? Who Are You?

Step 2: Introduce yourself. Follow instructions on page 41. Step 3: Introduce the topic in reference to the house metaphor.  Just as constructing a house requires builders, so too marriage requires builders.  You are the builders of your marriage and family, the ones who, together with God, will establish and build your new life.

Step 4: Introduce the goals of the topic in reference to the four aspects of

preparation.  This topic will help us to be wise, true, and skilled.  Be wise and be true: To help you deepen your knowledge of self and of your future spouse as you prepare to give yourselves to one another in marriage.  Be wise and be skilled: To encourage: a. on-going self-discovery, b. acceptance of differences, and c. growth in virtue in order to improve self and love one another throughout your marriage.  Marriage requires spouses to give themselves completely to one another.  We cannot give what we don’t have.  We have to know who we are in order to give ourselves to each other.  This requires maturity, self-knowledge, and knowledge of the other.  This topic will deepen your knowledge of self and of your fiancé/e.

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Topic 1

Scripture

 1 minute Step 1:   Click on slide 2 or direct couples to follow on page 5 in their

workbooks.

Step 2: Read the Scripture passage aloud.

“You formed my inmost being; you knit me in my mother’s womb. I praise you, because I am wonderfully made; wonderful are your works! My very self you know” (Psalm 139:13–14).

Step 3: Explain the passage.  God made us unique persons from our very beginning, in our mother’s womb.  No matter how similar we may be to another person, even if we are a twin, there is only one of each of us.  God knows each of us individually.

Who Am I?

 2 minutes Step 1:   Click on slide 3 or write on the board: Who am I? Nature Nurture True self

Step 2: Present content. Note to the presenter: This is a quick introduction and

each item will be discussed later in more depth. Key Concept 1: Each of us is a combination of nature, nurture, and something known as true self. Key Concept 2: We differ as persons in our very nature.  First, we are either male or female. This is central to who we are and this reality alone makes us very different. 93


Topic 1

Step 2: Present content. Key Concept 1: Temperaments are our natural dispositions and traits, hard-wired in us.  They shape our thinking, behavior, preferences, and relationships. Key Concept 2: There are four basic temperaments.  We may have one predominant temperament or a combination of two or more. Key Concept 3: Temperament theory has a long tradition within the Catholic Church.  There are many personality theories (e.g., Meyers Briggs Type Indicator, Keirsey Temperaments, Big Five).  We use temperament theory because it has a long tradition within Catholic writing.  The concept of the four temperaments dates back 2,000 years to Hippocrates, the “father of medical science.”

Temperament Inventory

 8 minutes Step 1: Walk the participants through the activity by reading the following:  Turn to page 10 in your workbooks for the temperaments inventory.  This inventory is to be done individually. You will have time at the end of this topic to share your answers with your fiancé/e.  Go through the list of descriptions and if any of the words or phrases accurately summarizes your thinking or behavior, place a check in the highlighted box.  Let’s look at the examples at the top of the page. The first example is “Cheerful.” If you are cheerful, place a check in the green box. The second example is “Active.” If you are not active, do not place a check in any box.  Remember to answer how you really are most of the time, not how you might want to be.  After completing the inventory, add up the number of checks in each column, making sure not to include the example.

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Topic 1

Step 2: Complete the inventory.

1. Ask the participants to look up when they are done so you have an idea when most are finished.

Step 3: Instructions at the end of the inventory.  Go back to the inventory and circle the letter at the bottom that has the highest total.  Don’t worry if you have two numbers similar to each other. People can have characteristics of more than one temperament.  Also, this is just a very simple inventory. There are many others that are much lengthier and more exhaustive.  We will now explain the results.

Step 4: Transition to teaching.  Each temperament has its own nature.  Each temperament also has susceptibilities.  In other words, a particular characteristic of our nature can become extreme.

Choleric

 2 minutes (optional witness at end) Step 1:   click on slide 5 or direct couples to follow on page 7 in their

workbooks.

Step 2: Present the first column.  The choleric is stereotypically known as The Worker. click By nature cholerics are:   Assertive: They are confident in stating their position. Born leaders: They often naturally rise to become leaders.

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Decisive: They are able to weigh options and make decisions.

Confident: They are confident in who they are and in their decisions.

Quick to react: They have the ability to react to things quickly.

Goal oriented: They are focused to accomplish goals.


Topic 1

Phlegmatic

 2 minutes (optional witness at end) Step 1:   click on slide 8 or direct couples to follow on page 7 in their

workbooks.

Step 2: Present content.  The phlegmatic is stereotypically known as The Watcher. click: By nature phlegmatics are:  

Calm: They are usually calm and in control of their emotions, especially under pressure. Cooperative: They try to find common ground or are willing to adjust their needs to please others.

Logical: They are rational and systematic and have a capacity to see how things are interrelated.

Patient: They don’t mind waiting and don’t need to react to situations immediately.

Flexible: They are able to adapt to different circumstances and situations.

Analytical: They can examine and carefully consider things in order to understand them better.

click: Susceptibilities:  

Unmotivated: They may not be motivated to do things or make changes. Complacent: They may be satisfied with the way things are and unaware of needs.

Lazy: They may tend toward sluggishness or procrastination.

Unassertive: They may be willing to forego conflict to keep the peace.

Unengaged: They may appear to be, or actually prefer to be, distanced from conflict.

Apathetic: They may appear or actually be indifferent, showing little or no emotion.

Step 3: Optional: Present witness.

 2 minutes 100


Topic 1 1. If this is not your temperament, skip this portion. 2. If this is your temperament, share some examples of how you manifest this temperament and about your own susceptibilities. 3. Use the Tips for Witness Presentations (pp. 49–51) to write this portion of the presentation.

Key Points and Witness

 4 minutes Step 1:   click on slide 9 or write on the board: Key Concept 1: There are strengths and susceptibilities for each temperament. Key Concept 2: Understanding and appreciating differences can build intimacy!

Step 2: Present content.  All temperaments have strengths, and without moderation can become susceptible to extremes.  Our temperaments may differ.  We cannot expect each other to react to things the same way or relate to others in an identical manner.  Understanding and appreciating differences can help improve intimacy with your spouse.  Marriage is not about making your spouse become like you, but helping each other, in your uniqueness and individuality, to become the person God created each of you to be.  Remember that this is not meant to be an exhaustive look at temperaments.

Step 3: Present witness. 1. Use the Tips for Witness Presentations (pp. 49–51) to write this portion of the presentation. 2. Answer these questions: a. How are you and your spouse different? b. How has temperament theory been helpful to you? c. How have you grown in appreciation of each other’s differences? 101


Topic 1

Exploring Nurture

 2 minutes Step 1:   click on slide 10 or direct couples to follow on page 8 in their

workbooks.

Step 2: Present content.  Many things form and “nurture” our nature.  Nurture is the influence that environment has had on nature, forming and shaping it.  It is important to be aware of these influences in our own lives and in the life of our spouse.  We are going to look closely at family of origin, for this is where we first experience love and relationships.

Family of Origin

 8 minutes Step 1:   click on slide 11 or direct couples to follow on page 8 in their

workbooks.

Step 2: Present content. Key Concept 1: Family of origin influences our attachment style.  Psychologists use the word “attachment” to describe the emotional bond between an infant and its mother, and more generally between a child and someone who cares for that child, and more generally still, between any two persons.  The style of the emotional bond that develops in infancy becomes very important for future relationships. Key Concept 2: Family of origin influences our sense of self-worth.  If we experienced being valued and cherished as children, then we feel valuable, and we develop a healthy sense of self-worth.  Conversely, if we didn’t feel valued as children, we often struggle with a low sense of self-worth.

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Topic 1 b. Provide an example from your marriage or family life of how the practice of virtue and the avoidance of vice have strengthened your marriage and family.

Step 5: Transition to topic on true self.  Scripture and Christian tradition teach us that we are much more than our nature and the influence of nurture.

True Self

 1 minute Step 1:   click on slide 14 or point to this on the board: True Self Step 2: Present content. Key Concept: There is something deeper than comes to expression in our nature and nurture: our true self.  It would be superficial and misleading to think that who I am can be fully and most deeply described by my temperament, family background, education, cultural background, habits, etc.  Our true self is that beautiful idea of you that God the Father dreamed of before the foundation of the world.  Because of the presence of God within us through Baptism, we partake in his nature and are able to give ourselves in love to others.  Note: See Gaudium et Spes quote on page 9 in the engaged couple workbook.

Conclusion

 1 minute Step 1:   click on slide 15 or direct couples to follow on page 9 in their

workbooks.

Step 2: Present content.  Knowing oneself is critical to being able to fully give oneself in marriage.  Individual differences need to be appreciated as sources of strength in your relationship. 107


Topic 1  Through practicing virtue and avoiding vice, we mature and are better able to love more fully.  By virtue of the presence of God within us, we partake in his nature and are able to give ourselves in love to others.  As you begin your lives together, it is important to grow in understanding of who you are as the builders.

Blueprint and Activity

 17 minutes Step 1:   click on slide 16 or write on the board: 1. Know myself and my spouse and commit to grow in virtue.

Step 2: Introduce the participants to the blueprint for the first time. 1. Direct the participants to turn to the blueprint page and have them write down this blueprint. 2. Have the participants also answer the two other questions: a. The most helpful thing for me about this topic was: b. The one thing I want to do as a result of this topic is:

Step 3: Provide instructions for the activity. 1. Direct the couples to take some time to discuss their answers to the family of origin inventory and what they learned from this topic. Note: Couples may need to move their chairs or go to another space for privacy. If so, please provide the necessary direction.

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Transformed in Love Leader and Team Manual Help couples create a marriage that lasts a lifetime! Developed in the Archdiocese of Boston and extensively field-tested, Transformed in Love is a ready-to-use Catholic marriage preparation program that helps couples build lasting marriages in today’s culture through an integration of faith with everyday living. While addressing contemporary pastoral challenges regarding marriage and family life, this program helps couples build strong foundations for a lasting union by: • Strengthening their connection with the Catholic faith • Suggesting practical skills for living out the marriage vows • Explaining the nature and sacramental significance of marriage • Providing the witness of faith-filled married couples With options to adapt for use with one-weekend retreats or up to six sessions, Transformed in Love also makes use of a variety of methods—new media, teaching modules, group and individual exercises, and mentoring—to engage couples and offer a comprehensive and practical approach to this vocation.

“I joyfully share this marriage preparation program with all who want to help prepare couples well for the great vocation of marriage . . . . As we go forward with the work of the New Evangelization, helping engaged couples to understand the relationship between marriage and the life of the Church is of great importance. Also, at a time when society far too easily accepts and in many circumstances even encourages divorce, we must do all that we can to prepare couples for their life-long commitment to one another.” — From the foreword by Seán Cardinal Patrick O’Malley, OFM Cap., Archbishop of Boston

“For me the strongest aspect of the program is its focus on Catholic marriage. What is the Catholic theology behind marriage? What does it mean to have a sacramental marriage? How is God fully part of an interfaith marriage? Why does the Church advocate Natural Family Planning? Along with more typical and important marriage prep subjects such as communication and finances, this program is unashamed to profess the truth of what we are about.” — Rev. Mark O’Connell, JCD, Judicial Vicar, Archdiocese of Boston “Most marriage preps offer training in practical skills to maintain a marriage. Transformed in Love presents these valuable skills, but its aim is higher—transformation, not simply maintenance. The program introduces couples to the promises God makes to us through his sacrament of marriage, and to the grace he offers as we help each other to grow in holiness.” — Therese and Pete Braudis, Team Members, married 44+ years “Transformed in Love was undoubtedly one of the best things we did during our engagement. We came into the program looking to learn more about each other and the Catholic Church’s teachings on marriage, and we came out of the program enriched, enlightened, and totally excited to be husband and wife. The beauty of Transformed in Love is that it centers on Church teaching, which allowed us to more fully understand the truth about sacramental marriage. In that context, we learned how to utilize practical tools to build a strong foundation for our marriage and our future family.” — Katie and Benjy, engaged

This Leader and Team Manual is sold with a DVD that provides accompanying teaching tools. Additional online videos and downloadable resources are available at www.transformedinlove.com $27.95


Transformed In Love - Leader and Team Manual  

The Leader and Team Manual is designed to be used with its companion volume, the Engaged Couple Workbook. The manual can be used by personne...

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