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One Pattaya

Fun Town’s most vibrant

20 Baht

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PATTAYA ONE ANNOUNCEMENT... From 1st October, Join Pattaya One and all your favourite columnists for news, views, opinions and much much more at in Pattaya We are definitely Fun Town’s most vibrant!



Driving around Pattaya at weekends is never a pleasant business, but it was made even worse for motorists on busy Beach Road recently, when a battered old car suddenly burst into flames not far from Walking Street. Our roving reporter was passing when he spotted smoke billowing from underneath a car which had stopped by the side of the road, the driver presumably having performed the standard timehonoured leaving of the scene. When a bystander opened the driver’s door, there was a minor explosion. Flames burst from inside, causing consternation and chaos, as the fire quickly engulfed the car. At this stage our man expected to have to go and put the fire out himself, once he had put down his notebook. Instead, in a matter of


ConTInUeS on page 2

t vibrant Fun Town’s mos www.inpattayano

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Car Explodes on Beach Road From page one seconds, he was impressed to see three men, including a motorbike taxi driver, appear from nowhere, armed with fire extinguishers. They bravely tackled the fire, with another man directing traffic smoothly around the conflagration, using his walkie-talkie, presumably to alert emergency services. Pattaya One applauds the public spiritedness shown by these brave men. In fact, they gave us an idea about how to tackle many of the more human problems on Beach Road, which also need some sort of firefighting capability by the man in the street. In the absence of officialdom, which seems unwilling or unable to deal with the problems on Beach Road, why doesn’t City Hall train these brave, public-spirited volunteers in armed and unarmed combat so as to equip them to deal with the many inflammatory and explosive situations of a tourist nature encountered almost daily down there. For example, when they see jet-ski scams afoot, they could show their true Pattaya public-spiritedness by arresting the scammers. Of course, given the recent announce-

Unsurprisingly, a heap of junk emerges from the smoke, flames and extinguisher fumes ment by City Hall that all jet-ski operators will now have to be registered and all persons who wish to hire jet-skis have to go through a City Hall-controlled voucher system, jet-ski scams should be a thing of the past. There appears to be no

truth in the scuttlebutt that the people tasked with enforcing these new regulations have the imposing title of ‘The Flying Pig Division’. From what we understand they have more in common with the ghosts of Christmas past.

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Coconut Bar raided again Pattaya Police are currently undertaking yet another “Social Order Crackdown” following orders from senior officers to clean up the streets of Pattaya, concentrating on all forms of anti-social behaviour. Accordingly, never “shy” of a soft target close at hand, Soi 9’s finest recently piled across the road, twice, to bust women and men who they suspected of working as prostitutes, on Pattaya Beach, resulting in the detention of 26 people in the first raid, and of 70 people – 30 women and 40 transsexuals, in the second stroll, sorry, raid. All the arrested people from both raids were charged with being so stupid they didn’t run off when they saw the raid happening, otherwise known as loitering. They all received very small fines before being released back onto the streets, presumably to continue whatever they were doing in the first place, which begs the question: why bother wasting all that police manpower? Online Dating Service Free Chat/Email in 35 Languages! Automatic Translator Holiday and Marriage Blogs Plus Dozens of Extra Features!

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A Lao-sy Deal

It’s not only foreigners who are naïve and gullible when it comes to taking ladies back for some short time comfort, only to be on the receiving end of a serious long time rogering themselves. Recently a Thai man alerted Pattaya police that a Laos woman he had taken back to his room for short time physical therapy had stolen a motorbike and other possessions from him. Khun Manop, aged 46, reported to Police that his motorbike had been allegedly stolen by Miss Pooshow who he had met earlier in the day. He agreed to offer her a place to stay in exchange for some companionship and 1,500 Baht in cash. She agreed and soon requested the use of his motorbike so she could “cut and clean her hair at a local salon”. He surprisingly agreed to this, and of course she was never seen by him again. The bike was tracked to a Petrol Station close-by and security cameras showed the woman dumping the bike and transferring to a minivan. She had also allegedly stolen 55,000 Baht in rent money, a mobile phone and a 50,000 Baht gold necklace from Khun Manop before she left. Police have full details of the suspect and an arrest warrant has now been issued for her.

Fun Town’s most vibrant

Man arrested after attempted sexual assault on young boys To further reinforce Pattaya’s dismal reputation for sex crimes, committed by both foreigners and Thais, a Thai man was recently arrested and accused of luring two young boys, aged 7 and 13, to Pattaya beach early one morning, with the intention of sexually assaulting them. The boys had last been seen by

their parents playing computer games at a supermarket in Central Pattaya. Their parents eventually reported them missing. The boys claim they were approached by the accused, who invited them to his house to play more computer games for free. The boys, being young and naïve, agreed, but were instead

taken to Pattaya Beach where the accused tried to perform a sexual act on them. It’s not sure why the man did not take them back to his house which was surely more private than the beach. The accused denied the allegations but was charged with attempted rape.

Finnish man falls to Pattaya his death from Central Showcases Pattaya apartment Baht Bus Replacement

A Finnish man, who allegedly became depressed after he ran out of money, apparently jumped to his death from the fourth floor of an apartment block in Central Pattaya. Rescue services were first on-scene and were soon joined by the police who inspected the body of Mr. Kai Isokaanta, aged 33, from Finland. He was lying face-down on the street, next to the building. A cashier at the apartments explained the deceased had been there since late July and would drink heavily, which is an apparently cultural tic among males from Finland. She had attempted to collect rent from Mr. Isokaanta who did not answer the door. They tried to open the

door with a spare key but were unable to gain entry due to an inside lock. They looked through a hole in the door and saw evidence of damage. He was then heard to move on to the balcony where he screamed he was about to jump. She alerted others who forced entry but they were too late as the man had jumped. The forced-entry was captured on phone video as was the fall which was captured on security cameras. It was known he had recently lost a bag containing his passport and remaining money. Police are confident this was indeed a suicide but will wait for the results of a post mortem examination before they close the case.

Police were recently called to Pratumnak Hill, where they were astonished to find a battle between food vendors had escalated into armed violence which called for the extra assistance of the emergency medical services. Operating from the forecourt of a convenience store, Khun Anusong, aged 30 had established his seafood stall and begun to trade when Khun Konsang, a 34 year old Kebab seller parked directly in front of the seafood stand, making it invisible to the passing public. The seafood seller was enraged and after requesting that the kebab stall be moved, only for his request to be denied, he took justice into his

own hands and struck the kebab seller several times with a chair, inflicting head injuries. The kebab seller then grabbed a very long knife, used normally to slice kebabs, but in this case he used it to slice both arms and back of the seafood seller, which effectively ended the assault. Police took the swashbuckling swordsmith kebab seller to the local station to assist with their enquiries, while the chair-wielding seafood seller was rushed to Banglamung Hospital for medical assistance to his various injuries, after which the local plod are keen to interview him further.

Abortion Clinic Raid Food Fighters Clash. in Pattaya Surf and Turf – forever foes

Following a tip off, police visited a local doctor’s clinic in Central Pattaya, armed with a search warrant. Despite the normal appearance of a regular clinic on the ground floor, the upper floor was found to contain a variety of equipment associated with abortion. Khun Somchai, aged 44, along with four other staff, was arrested and removed to Pattaya police station where a report was completed which will be forwarded to the courts with the expectation of further investigation. Abortion is illegal in Thailand and despite the evidence, which appears to be conclusive, Khun Somchai strenuously denies all charges and claims that the specialist equipment was for other, unspecified, uses. Perhaps a new style of vacuum for those hard-to-get-at spots on the carpet.

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Pataya One was recently privileged to witness the first test run of City hall’s new mass transport vehicle, which combines elements of a baht bus and a truck, to be known as “the Truss”, which may well be what most people using it will end up wearing. Allowing many more seats than the stuffy baht bus, and refreshingly open to the elements, this new , more durable road vehicle will shortly be offering metered rides (with the meter turned off, of course, as this is Pattaya) to clueless map-clutching Russians and drunken farang staggering home from Walking Street late at night. To questions about safety, an official replied that no road in Pattaya is safe anyway, so why worry about falling from the unsecured chairs. Asked about the 100 billion baht cost of introducing this new system, a transport expert from the company pioneering this venture with City Hall winked and asked our reporter for help pushing a large wheelbarrow full of money to his bank.

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Kris & Noi’s


Do you have a question about customs or culture, or perhaps just a general comment on life in Thailand? Email Kris & Noi at: Hubbie-Hunters? I know that girls come from all over Thailand to sell sex to expats, but what about those who come here for regular work? I like to chat with girls who serve me in places such as offices, banks, supermarkets, and many don’t come from Pattaya, or even Chonburi province. Some are here for career opportunities, others just fancy living in a coastal resort, but some girls choose Pattaya hoping they can find a farang husband. These girls are at least as attractive as the service girls, so do they achieve much success in finding their Prince Charming, or can’t

they compete with what the service girls offer? Charlotte Thais often have to travel far from home to obtain work, but no doubt many girls do choose Pattaya with thoughts of snaring a paleface beau. However, it isn’t easy for a regular working girl; she may well find a farang husband, but unfortunately he will often already be a husband with a wife back home in farangland. And Pattaya isn’t well-stocked with Prince Charming types, but we do have a large supply of ageing fatties available. Although there are many nice expats

who would like to meet up with a non-service girl, actually getting to chat with them is a problem. Girls are wary, as there are some brain-dead dickheads who think that any girl in Pattaya is available, and a shop assistant’s polite smile is greeted with a request for short time. Nevertheless, nice girls do sometimes meet nice expats and enjoy successful marriages.

Bargirls Better Value Why do people pay expensive barfines for go-go dancers instead of the cheaper bargirls (and go-go girls also demand higher fees)? Go-

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go girls are usually prettier, but if they think that guarantees a better performance than an average looker they are wrong; often the beautiful ones are starfish. Tell me, if you barfine a bargirl one night then she moves to a go-go and charges more, will she perform better? Of course not. Perhaps they think being seen with a stunner is more important than enjoying good sex. Dan Dare It is their money, so it’s their choice which type of girl to spend it on. However, some punters do seem more intent on claiming to screw the best looking girls rather than the ones who provide the most fun, particularly those arrogant prats who like to post photos of their “conquests” on web sites. Certainly beautiful bodies and high fees do not guarantee a good performance; a cheaper, less pretty girl from a bar may well provide better attitude and effort. One benefit of going for go-go dancers is that you are often able to observe all the goods before purchase; no fear of being surprised in the room by suddenly discovering a set of meat and two veg!

Another (Small) Tweeting Breaks out Landmark disappears in Pattaya

“rIGHt, kID, yOU sEEM tO BE ABLE tO FLy AnD stAnD Ok nOW. “ “yEs DAD” “sO JUst stAy tHErE AnD DOn’t GEt yOUrsELF IntO Any MOrE trOUBLE. Ok?” ‘yEs MUM”

stOnE tHE crOWs! WHAt DID I JUst tELL yOU?! I cAn’t tUrn My BAck FOr A MInUtE.

Piling on the piling

Site of the old sign maker’s shop near the Pratamnak/Thappraya Junction Pattaya One was surprised to note the recent and very rapid demolition and clearance of another iconic Pattaya business, namely the sign maker’s shop near the Thappraya Road-Pratamnak Road junction. For as long as we can remember, these premises were always a hive of activity day and night; a busy, dirty, noisy, vibrant and profitable business, used by many in Pattaya over the years for large commercial

signage for shops and real estate hoardings. No prizes for guessing what this wide site within easy walking distance of town will no doubt eventually become (we think a boutique hotel). Meanwhile, right across the road from the old sign makers’s site, is a development we have been following with interest since they chopped down an ancient tree, in the name of progress, earlier this year.

This site used to be a small, oily, single-storey motorbike repair shop. Now Piling has started on the site as another tourist Phoenix no doubt rises up from Pattaya’s industrial ashes. Assuming neither of the above sites will be turned into a sign maker’s shop or a motorbike repair shop, it is safe to say that both developments show that the “old” Pattaya is disappearing fast, and a new one is springing up around us, to keep pace with the everchanging tourist dynamic of this remarkable city.

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“From 1 October, join me on, where I will be continuing to write this column, only with more content”.

Pete’s Peregrinations By Peter Lloyd

Pattaya’s Ladyboys On TV (no pun intended)

More Jomtien Road Mishaps It looks like Thappraya Road’s master builders and their diligent overseers at City Hall have scored yet another own goal with the erection of enormous signage which has been hastily thrown up on the pavements of hapless Thappraya road, even before the paving stones are laid. As this ridiculous and unnecessarily giant signage is so low, it will immediately cause problems for tourists, people in wheelchairs, people with pushchairs and anyone else taller than 4 foot high who may in future be foolish enough to use the pavements. And, worst of all, they have put some of the signs in the WRONG PLACE. For example they have erected signs calling the road ‘Jomtien Second Road”, when it is STILL Thappraya Road, near the Thepprasit road junction, which is clearly not Jomtien Second Road. That must surely start after the Hanuman Statue as it heads towards Jomtien market. But I’m sure nothing will stop those commissioning pointless signage and every other type of superfluous junk to be dumped all over the pavement of the new road. They probably wouldn’t care if the signs were dumped in Surat Thani, let alone along the wrong road in Jomtien. I also recently noticed a new zebra crossing being painted on the road, on both sides of the Hanuman Statue (which the green truck conceals in my photo). This is like setting a death trap for unwary, over-trusting tourists, as cars already zoom at speed along the new Second Road. As an experiment, and taking my life in my hands for the edification of my readers, I decided to use the crossings the day after they were painted.

Duh... Unsurprisingly, not one car stopped for me as I crossed both, with some trucks speeding past even as I was in the middle of the road. Unless some traffic lights are to be erected there (forget the disgraceful broken pedestrian lights) they may as well paint a skull and crossbones on the road. At least proper traffic lights would give tourists a fighting chance of not being killed as they cross at this dangerous junction.

Cross at your own risk

now in Pattaya Fun Town’s most vibrant ww

In Pattaya Now Venture

It hardly seems like a year ago that we began the Pattaya One newspaper. In that time we have had a dramatic impact on the way other Pattaya papers report the news, and on their efforts to try to entertain readers instead of how they did business before we came along, which was often based around self-publicity and cheesy, smug mugshots of the Great and the Good at yet another boring event nobody else went to.

From the reaction to Pattaya One from readers and others in Fun Town, and from the staggering number of readers of the online version, we believe we must be doing something right. I would like to thank all my readers and the many people who have emailed me over the year with comments, criticisms and also with some shocking stories.

I didn’t bother mentioning this previously, but a couple of months ago I was approached to take part in a programme being made for Sky TV about Pattaya’s ladyboys, in some misguided belief of my capacity as a Pattaya know-all, not a Ladyboy know-all. After some serious consideration, I declined to take part, as we know only too well how a badly-edited programme could have life-or health-threatening consequences in Pattaya. I would have been happy to have taken part in something I could guarantee would be a fair and balanced portrayal of both the city and its ladyboys, but I was concerned that, without editorial control, it might have turned out to be something like: “PATTAYA’S HELL- SHAME OF THIEVING, DRUG-ADDLED SCUMBAG LADYBOYS”, which I would not have been happy with. Instead, as a friend in the UK who watched it, recently emailed me, and I was pleased to learn from him that it had not gone down that route at all, but was, and I quote, although he’s hardly William Shakespeare: “a largely sympathetic take on their “plight” and wasn’t at all sensationalist or derogatory... probably because Sky had one of their top Australian journalists working on it. Anyway, Pattaya did look like a sleaze pit, but I think that it’s hard to do undercover filming down Walking Street any other way. The rest of the documentary focussed on a couple of Yanks going for an operation at a posh looking but unnamed Bangkok hospital. Fairly gentle stuff all told”. So I suppose it’s hats off to Sky for not doing a sensationalist hatchet job.

I hope you will join me at from 1 October.

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LEttErs tO tHE EDItOr If you would like to voice your opinion in print, please send us your thoughts and ideas by email to: Letters may be edited to improve clarity and spelling.

PATTAYA’S PROJECTS Dear Editor, I was surprised to see this sign go up in Pattaya - a photo of the mayor in front of a photo of the amazingly successful Thappraya Road building project in Jomtien. The funny thing is, it isn’t on the road itself, but near Central Mall. Maybe it wouldn’t be appreciated by Jomtien residents? The last time I saw him on these signs, advertising another “successful” expensive Pattaya project , was when the traffic lights were installed, and then

they didn’t work and are – as one of your readers pointed out – a broken menace in the city, which nobody seems to give two hoots about. Can we now expect Thappraya Road to go the same way? I think we should be told. Jack Sprat London Jack, we don’t think it is a case of Thappraya Road “going” the same way as the traffic lights fiasco. Thappraya Road IS that way already, and has been for six years

and counting. To be fair to the Mayor, he’s only been in charge for two years and some things have definitely improved in the city under his administration, and the quick resurfacing of Pratamnak Road in town, and the segment of Central Road leading from Beach Road last year, with solid reinforced concret, is a good example of that. Had this roadbuilding method been used on Thappraya Road, instead of shoddy asphalt, we think there would be many years of happy use to look forward to, instead of constant potholes and repairs.

MORE BEACH RUBBISH Sir, What‘s the deal with these lifeguard stations on Pattaya beach? They seem completely unfit for

use, and did from day 1, when they were dumped on the beach and they are now broken and decaying, never used, with no-one taking any responsibility for maintaining

them. Who is responsible for this? My photograph shows one of the platforms near Walking Street - its steps stolen, the cheap aluminium frame and bars broken and missing, the thin roof already breaking up, and it is only fit for pigeons to poo on. Which they do. Someone in city hall complained a while back about this and asked why they had been put up. At the time someone came out with the same old nonsense – saying something will happen in the future, but as usual, nothing happened. Someone should explain why they were built as badly as they were, and what is going to happen to them now they are breaking up. Ryan By Email

We agree that commissioning of works in Pattaya needs to be seriously looked at, but then again, this is Pattaya, in Thailand, so it probably won’t happen. One of our columnists, Street Stroller, in his Pattaya Focus column has long argued that City hall should put up signs for all public projects in the city stating the cost, the start and end date, who is responsible for the project at city Hall and who the contractor is, with phone numbers and email addresses. We think that is an excellent idea and it might help change the way things are done here, but again, it probably will never happen. In the meantime, on these lifeguard tin cans, we believe the pigeons are having the last and best word.

Foreign Tourist Police Assistants Needed The Tourist Police are a special division of the Royal Thai Police. The FTPA assist with carrying out the functions of the Tourist Police including assistance to tourists and local community members, helping to resolve misunderstandings and disputes, offering general advice to tourists and providing services for international events from time to time. We operate primarily in the Walking Street/Beach Road entertainment area, nightly from 9.00 pm to 2.30 am. We are currently inviting qualified male and female foreigners living in Pattaya to join the group. It’s important for members to have a friendly and relaxed attitude, to enjoy helping others and to be able to spare one or more evenings a week. A probationary period, including initial training, is part of the program.

Our initial requirements are: • You live in Pattaya most of the time • You have a current and renewable one year visa • You have language skills or relevant backgroud experience • You have a verifiable clean police record in your home country and Thailand Applicants should send a short email telling us about yourself to We will send you an application form and try to answer any questions you have. Feel free to visit us on Walking Street any night and don’t hesitate to see us if you need any assistance.

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SWEDISH ON A BUDGET Americans of a certain age will remember the commercial for Alka Seltzer, which featured the ‘spicy meatball man.’ From my experience, Swedish meatballs are not particularly spicy and with a little lingonberry and brown gravy are quite delicious. The sour lingonberry is the traditional Swedish accompaniment to meatballs; and is a bit similar in taste to raspberries or cranberries. According to my Swedish friend, there is no standard Swedish meatball recipe. The best Swedish meatballs are the ones your mother used to make. My mother’s version (Bear in mind I’m not Swedish.) was mixed with sweet chili sauce and ketchup. Although they weren’t authentic, they weren’t bad either.

sandwiches and Thai food. I tried the meatballs with mashed potatoes at 180 baht and enjoyed them very much. They were also accompanied by mushy peas, which should please British customers. There were seven large meatballs garnished with thick, brown gravy and tart lingonberry compote. The dish was indeed tasty and satisfying. My friend had the slightly salted pork with onion sauce and boiled potatoes (180 baht); and said that it was ‘really, really good and authentic.’

Hakon Scandinavian Diner, located on Thappraya Road, near Soi 5, offers a genuine Swedish menu and a large selection of salads,

They have an extensive breakfast menu. Recently, I tried the 145 baht breakfast, which included two eggs, ham, bacon, cheese, orange juice,

Swedish Meatballs at Hakon’s Scandanavian Diner toast and coffee. I especially liked the bacon, which was done up nice and crispy, as I requested. Hakon Scandinavian Diner also offers retail items, provided by Scan Deli in Bangkok; including cheeses, herring and other fish items and candy. If they don’t have what you want on hand, Goran, the owner, will order it for you from Bangkok. It’ll be waiting for you the next day. They’re open daily and have outdoor and indoor seating. (Web: Vickan’s Swedish Restaurant is located on Jomtien Beach Road between Sois 2 and 3. They also have a menu featuring an extensive selection of Swedish as well as

Thai food. The Swedish meatballs, at 155 baht, were smaller than the ones at Hakon’s and accompanied by brown gravy, on the side, lingonberry and two boiled potatoes. The all beef meatballs were tasty and filling. Also on the menu are items such as pork chop with tarragon sauce at 185 baht, grilled salmon with dill sauce (175 baht), steaks and prime rib at 295 baht. Vickan’s offers several breakfasts at 110 baht. They’re open daily from 8 am until late at night. Check their web site: I haven’t been to News Café, in the Chateau Dale Plaza on Thappraya Road, in a while; but as I recall, they also offer delicious Swedish meatballs. Their food is elegantly prepared in beautiful indoor and outdoor surroundings. The restaurant is Swedish managed and features mammoth kebabs, steaks (Try the elephant ear steaks.), pork and fish. The presentation of the dishes is novel and graceful. News Café is definitely excellent value for the money; but, not necessarily within the parameters of the Frugal Gourmand (unless you choose carefully; but that’s no fun). God Aptit.

If you have any favorite restaurants you’d like included; or like your restaurant reviewed, email:

Retired British Nationals in Thailand: the British Embassy wants to hear your views


The British Embassy Bangkok has recently launched a survey to learn more about the issues affecting retired British nationals living in Thailand. The anonymous survey can be completed online at or paper copies are available from the British Embassy Bangkok, or the British Consulates in Pattaya and Chiang Mai. The survey runs from 9 September to 2 October 2011. The results from the survey will be used by the Embassy to

better understand the needs of retired British nationals in Thailand, to identify ways to improve consular services, to help people prepare for moving to Thailand, and to try and improve awareness of services provided by local organisations throughout Thailand. We expect to publish a summary of the analysis of the survey’s results on the Embassy website in late October. More information about the services provided by the British Embassy in Bangkok can be found at ukinthailand.fco. and information about retiring in Thailand can be

found at http://ukinthailand. what-happens-when-you-retire Approximately 50,000 British people are resident in Thailand or spend much of the year here. Many of these people have retired to Thailand. Of the 347 deaths reported to the Embassy in the last year, over 75% were residents, and after natural causes, the most frequent cause of death in Thailand was road traffic accidents. Other causes of death included drowning, falls from balconies and suicide.

Residents make up a large proportion of our serious hospitalisation cases, many without adequate medical insurance. In 2010, a total of 217 hospitalisation cases were reported to us. This survey is part of an Embassy project aimed at helping us better understand the issues affecting retired British nationals living in Thailand which will help us improve our service to them and help us signpost British nationals to help available locally. If British Nationals need advice about a difficult situation, they will find information about what they can do to help themselves, as well as what we can do (and what we cannot do) on our website . If they can’t find the information they need there they should telephone the Embassy on (02 305 8333) and we will be happy to help.

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Disappearing Farang. What’s Happening? (Part 2) This being low season, I am reviewing “low season/Pattaya is changing” topics, and finishing off the interesting thread on Thai Visa called “Disappearing Farang. What is happening?” which started out as a low season thread but turned into a “Pattaya is Changing” one. As I said in the last edition, both issues are closely linked. A big debate seems to involve whether Arabs, Indians, Russians and even Chinese should be included in tourist numbers for the purpose of proving whether Pattaya is busy or not. This largely depends on whether you want to demonstrate that go go bar-goers and beer bar punters (old school “farang”, if you like) of the old Pattaya are in decline (in which case you exclude them), or whether you applaud the changes to the wider tourism demographic in Pattaya, and believe arrivals are actually at an all-time high for low season (in which case you include them). Vpi78 commented about some misperceptions of spending power: It’s wrong to generalize that Chinese, Russians, and Indians do not spend while on holiday. The Chinese are world renown for mainly shopping on holidays. He could also have added, more significantly, that Arab tourists spend a lot of money in the wider economy of Pattaya. Blubberboybob irreverently commented on the spending power of Indians in Pattaya: The Indians spend big on renting jetskis.......after they have been fleeced there is little left for anything else. Kamluan, using a definition of “OK’ based on construction, said: as long as new buildings, condominiums, resorts, Bars, gogo’s are appearing and being built then I think everything is as normal and ok.

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All comments or Web Board tipoffs gratefully received at However while this is correct, in terms of building things, it didn’t address whether anyone is actually frequenting the new bars or buying the new condominiums. TheWalkingMan was quick to point this out: New go-go bars being built is one indicator I would not rely on when judging how busy Pattaya is. These places come and go like the moon and just because it has been built, does not mean people will come. A better judge would be the number of go-go bars full as opposed to 3 or 4 being full. Kebabarro voiced the following sentiment, we believe correctly: to even think or imagine that Pattaya is going downhill is just plain dum,b for the exact opposite is happening. Poanoi also hit on an indicator of something to prove Pattaya is busy at the moment; traffic jams: Don’t get me started on the traffic jams. If there is one thing, other than the visa hassle that can trip my trigger, it is the traffic. I’m hoping Pattaya will become less populated, soon. Jebhead put this in context: The traffic is so bad because there are road works everywhere!! It is certain that many have never seen the roads as busy as they are in low season. Hyku1147 brought the thread down to earth with a bump with some fair comment: They are building hotels and filling them with package tourists. The plan ‘aint to improve Pattaya. Rather, it is to suck the money up into the pockets of big business. Pattaya is an ugly city, and with all the overbuilding, and lack of improvements on the water and power systems it is only going to get worse. The unpronounceable Awohalitsiktoli, stuck in a spat with another poster, observed:

This is not brain surgery, although a lobotomy might actually help some of you think. To which Tropo replied: Really?... going by your posts I thought you’d already had one. Back on-topic, as a last word, I have to give the floor to JSixpack again, as his thoughtful demolition of some of the points raised by the Doom and Gloom merchants was so articulate and erudite, using our very own Nightmarch to bolster his examples: It is utter nonsense to say the infrastructure hasn’t improved. Here’s a list for the blind: the roads are greatly improved, roads have been built (3rd Rd. an outstanding example; the new road from the airport; lots of roadwork, water, and power on the Darkside), cables have been buried (three times or so), new lights are up on Beach Rd, stop lights are much better (w/ timers), new pedestrian lights and crosswalks, the Beach Road walkway, new power cables leading to Central Festival (partly paid by Central), Wong Amart walkway.. …True, maintenance leaves much to be desired. That has always been the case Business is up and has been up (in relative and real terms) for ten years and counting. Tourism is also up. Last night I visited the new go-gos on Soi Buakaow and Soi LK Metro. And I found them practically full. Frankly, I was rather surprised as it IS low season. Nightmarch has also noted all the new openings and renovations. There’s much, much more going on in Pattaya. For example, contrast the Darkside 10 years ago with today.

Horrific Breakfast in Pattaya Making a refreshing change to all the usual boring “Where’s the best/cheapest/biggest breakfast” threads on Pattaya’s web boards, I was struck by one travelling dramatically in the opposite direction, when I read a thread called “Horrific Breakfast” on Teakdoor the other day. It was started by Nikk, who had just eaten breakfast at a foreigner-owned, busy, and popular but unnamed location in Pattaya When I got there, I noticed the Thai “chef” was busy pulling out shit from his nose while still watching TV. I was pretty sickened by this but thought I will just have to hope he washes his hands before preparing my meal. In front of me on another table, right in front of the TV, are 2 plump Thai girl staff, one of whom is busying herself by poking a toothpick down her ear-hole then wiping it on a tissue for about 20 minutes. I am thinking for f*cks sake! That’s repulsive. Meal comes, to be fair, looked quite impressive bacon, sausage , scrambled eggs, all the usual. I picked up the pepper pot as I like pepper on my eggs, shakes pepper all over my breakfast...... when suddenly my breakfast covered in tiny MAGGOTS. Obviously the pepper shaker has never been checked for months.

They offered to cook me a fresh breakfast and apologized but by this time, for obvious reasons I had lost my appetite! Sir Winston, clearly a budding entomologist, said: Weird, why would maggots breed in pepper? Thetyim correctly labeled the interlopers as probably weevils, and Baiting Boy promptly pronounced them to be: Pepper weevils. Sir Winston thought pepper weevils all over your breakfast was: not really that big a deal, to which Nikk replied: let’s hope you don’t host too many dinner parties or BBQ’s if this isn’t such a problem. It was left to Orroz to make the killer pun of the thread: Well I’d prefer weevils to maggots, if I had to make this awful choice. It’s the lesser of two weevils. Thormaturge, clearly enjoying breakfast in a very different part of Thailand, replied: I’ve just had breakfast accompanied by giant turtles mating. You’ve never seen a female turtle run so fast as when a horny male is chasing her. To which Norton wittily observed: Exhausting for you, was it? But back on the point: Thetyim asked: did you actually see the maggots moving ? Thais often put rice grains in the salt

Pepper Weevils – this time in the wild & pepper to stop it going wet and clogging the shaker. The reply was predictably unpleasant from Nikk: Yes they were alive, and moving and crawling all over my eggs KOBREIN focused on the personal hygiene issues raised by Nikk’s post : Why does everybody drop their basic standards in Thailand. I walk out of many places on spotting the chef having a good scratch of his bollocks or dogs walking freely around the kitchen while the staff are smoking. The Master Cool had a different, ironic, interpretation, thinking the poster was: Inconsiderate. He wasted the contents of their maggot shaker. Probably stood on the cockroach too instead of eating it. Culturalize people, culturalize. The thread then descended into an orgy of brainless Pattaya-bashing for some reason, as many threads on Pattaya web boards are wont to do, so I gave up on it.

16 - 30 September 2011 Issue 24

Pattaya One 13

Fun Town’s most vibrant

Insurgency concerns brought development to the Northeast One of the features of Thailand’s highways and major arterial roads is that their quality and width appears to improve the closer they get to the border regions, especially those with Laos and Cambodia. This is no accident, if you’ll pardon the unintentional vehicular pun. In the years after the French colonists were ousted from Indochina, that region was plunged into civil wars which increasingly threatened the stability and possible independence of Thailand. By the middle of the 1960s, Thailand was facing a communist insurgency in the impoverished and long-neglected northeast region of the country, popularly known as Issan, as well as a minor but insistent problem in the four southernmost provinces. Ethnically and linguistically more closely related to the Lao than the central Thai, the people of Issan scratched ‘out a subsistence living from the cracked earth, supplementing their diets of rice and rotten fish with such regional delicacies as eels, ant eggs, fried cicadas and fresh cucumbers served in a dark red insect sauce.’ In 1965 the Chinese foreign minister Chen Yi predicted the northeast would erupt in revolt against the central government. Support for the communist insurgency was believed to be mainly centred around an estimated 45,00060,000 Vietnamese refugees, most of whom had crossed into Thailand during the First Indochina War (1945-1954). It was claimed that most supported the North Vietnamese President Ho Chi Minh and ‘with their own cadres, schools and tight internal organizations, and their distinctive ground-hugging

Historical Feature By Duncan Stearn

From dirt lanes to superhighways houses, unlike those on stilts of the Thais, the Vietnamese are a built-in springboard for future trouble. But thus far the insurgency leadership is essentially Thai…’ At first the insurgents offered new recruits to the Peasant’s Liberation Army a salary of 500 baht per month, as well as a new tractor for the village. Then their tactics changed. By early 1966 it was claimed ‘the communists, who had been content with persuasion and threats in their efforts to enlist members, switched tactics and began killing schoolteachers and village leaders who refused to cooperate.’

Apart from the refugee Vietnamese, the government claimed there were no more than 1,000 hard-core communists in all Issan, mostly based in the Phu Pan mountains. ‘Bangkok at first insisted it was no more than a police problem. But early [in 1966] it moved the army into the northeast, [and] set up joint civilian-military police command posts in each of the six most sensitive border provinces.’ In the south, the four southernmost provinces allegedly harboured over 500 communists guerrillas, remnants of the Malayan Emergency. Though they claimed their enemy was still Malaysia and the

A standard uniformed gathering over the corpse of an alleged communist guerrilla

British, the guerrillas harassed the Moslem Thais living in the south for ‘taxes’.

Aid With the beginning of the Cold War, the United States and Thailand became firm allies and between 1951 and 1965 the latter spent over $400 million in aid packages. Since the Thai economy was actually quite strong, the majority of this aid was ‘targeted to fill two loopholes: the lack of police and civil authorities in the countryside.’ While the capital and major cities were well held by the government, an American official based in Nakhon Phanom claimed, “The villagers are often frightened of what both the government and roving Communist bands will do to them.” To counter the potential threat to central government power, ‘MDUs (Mobile Development Units), 100man teams of health workers, road builders and education officials directed by the military’ began operating in nine provinces. They were ‘out to make quick impact in the most threatened areas, then move on, building roads, schools, dispensaries…’ Another acronym, ARD (Accelerated Rural Development) teams did the same kind of work under provincial authority but stayed in the local villages. Their goals ranged from providing rural electrification to potable-water systems as well as establishing community-development projects. The Friendship Highway, built at a cost of $20 million, was completed in 1964. By mid-1966 a US contractor was just completing 224 kilometres of all-weather roads ‘linking two critical border areas with the main national road system to give the police mobility.’ Of course, in return for all this help, the US was able to establish a military presence in Thailand. Four Thai airfields, flying the Thai flag and guarded by Thai soldiers at Takhli, Khorat, Udon Thani and Ubon Ratchathani, played host to eight squadrons of US air force planes who flew more than 125 missions a day, 80 percent of all the US bombing of North Vietnam. No wonder a communist insurgency began to take hold. Nonetheless, the legacy of those troubled years is the extensive and well-constructed road system across the nation, and particularly the northeast.

14 Pattaya One

A Fool in Paradise

Bar Tip - Rule 258

Part Two

Welcome to another extract from the non-existent book of ‘How to be a Successful Bar Owner’. Last issue I mentioned Rule 257 for hiring female staff which states that “The prettier the girl, the less chance of her staying” Continuing with advice on managing female employees in a beer bar, Rule 258 states that “For every obvious positive there is a hidden negative just waiting to bite you on the bum.” As the new owner of a Pattaya beer bar you have recruited six ladies to charm the customers. You hired a mixture of talent; one young, one mature, one pretty, one average, one thin, one slightly chubby and seem to have all bases covered. Now let’s look at what could ‘bite you on the bum’, and I have categorized these as either ‘possible’, probable’ or ‘certain’. Even though your bar runs well for several weeks and the ladies all seem content to stay, you are always on the lookout for more staff and

Oh I Do Like to be Beside the Seaside: The Pattaya Beer Garden is somewhat misnamed in the sense that about the only greenery within beer-shot is the colour of US dollars and the odd Aussie $100 note carried by patrons who have yet to make it to the nearest currency exchange booth. Apart from the name, the Pattaya Beer Garden is probably one of the best venues in Fun Town to frequent, for a variety of reasons. Situated right on Pattaya Bay, at the rear of the Siren beer boozer complex which is just before the entrance to Walking Street on Beach Road, the Beer Garden is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Naturally, this would appeal to anyone who likes to kick off early in the boozing stakes (think people from Finland and other Scandinavian countries) and bat on until they’re rendered legless. Prices are very reasonable for thirst quenchers, and the restaurant has an extensive menu that won’t break the bank. Don’t expect haute cuisine, but everything I’ve ever partaken of in the place has been filling and adequate. The music is good: not the standard car alarm of late-night discos and beer boozers run by yah-bah-istas (my word), more the toe-tapping, familiar tunes of the 60s and beyond.

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Fun Town’s most vibrant

figure that eight would be a perfect number. Then a new girl starts work and things are looking up. Two days later, the new girl quits and you never see her again. You are confused because she seemed happy, made money out of tips, had one bar fine and she was popular with customers. So what happened? In the ‘possible’ category is that, in the time they have been working together, the other girls formed a clique and one – not necessarily the prettiest or the smartest – has become the ‘alpha female’ of the group. Any new recruit has to be accepted if she wants to remain. If the alpha female doesn’t like her, she will be forced to leave through the combined subtle efforts of the group. This is a recurring problem in two bars that I know of. What can you do about it? Nothing. Back to a staff of six, you feel confident they will all stay because three of them are very good friends and were hired together. Just after payday, one of the three quits say-

ing she has found a ‘better’ place to work. This is a setback but not the end of the world, right? Then, after next payday, the other two quit as well, leaving you with just three staff. What has ‘probably’ happened is that the first one of the three to quit was the ‘forward scout’. Upon hearing that another bar was much better financially, the group decided to check it out. If it didn’t turn out well, the first girl knows you would hire her back. But you can bet she will give her friends glowing reports of how much more money she is making, even if it is an exaggeration. Hiring a group of friends can be a double-edged sword. It sounds great in principle, but it is usually the case that if one leaves, the others soon follow. In the ‘certain’ category are a couple of situations that only the most astute bar owners are aware of. You have one very attractive lady who really pulls in the customers and is so popular she is bar fined two nights out of every three. “Jackpot!” you think, because she has customers buying drinks, lady drinks and you have recovered more than her wages through bar fines. Then you notice that every day she is with a different customer and the guys who have bar fined her in the past have never come back to your bar. There is only one reason for this. As attractive, attentive and friendly as she is with a guy at the bar, the lady’s personality changes once she

leaves with him. Her ‘customers’ express their disappointment with their wallets. Finally in the ‘certain’ category is a common problem where staff are available for bar fines. A customer goes with a lady from your bar and comes back for a drink the following day. The lady spots him, serves him a drink and sits beside him. The other staff give him a wide berth because he is taken. He is her ‘property’. Every time he comes to the bar, if she is available, she is beside him. Even if she is not there, the other girls would be reluctant to steal him away because she is his ‘girlfriend’ and they would be breaking the unwritten ‘code’. The guy stops drinking at your bar. It may be that he had no complaints with the lady but simply wanted a change. He might have liked to bar fine another girl from your bar but didn’t want to be rude to the first girl or cause her to lose face. The simplest option was not to drink there anymore. A universal law is that you never lose just one customer, you lose his friends as well. This can be financially devastating in the cut-throat beer bar business. To avoid this you need to employ a very strict mamasan who teaches the girls it is always up to the customer. If he wants to bar fine every girl on consecutive nights then that is good for the bar and what is good for the bar is good for them. It takes time, but it does work.

N ghtmarch By Duncan stearn

As far as ‘working’ girls are concerned, there aren’t any, at least ‘on the books’. As with similar places in Bangkok and elsewhere, freelancers are welcome to sit and drink and come and go as they please. If a freelancer manages to catch a walking wallet, she and he are free to engage in their short-time or long-time courtship without the need to pay a bar fine. The real attraction is the view over the bay. Be it mid-morning, late afternoon, or midnight, the general ambience provided by the aforementioned view gives Pattaya Beer Garden an advantage over almost every other venue in town. It’s a perfect place to either start a night out on the town, or end it with a nightcap. Bringing it to a peak: I wandered into the Climax go-go (Soi 15, off Walking Street) very late one night recently and was reasonably impressed, especially as it was an


early-in-the-week night and the den would have been unlikely to have its best assets on show. The overall quality of those who were still left to try and empty a wallet or six was not great, although hardly disappointing, with a variety of shapes and sizes. It was a friendly atmosphere, in that “buy me drink” way of most dens of the chrome pole; although I would have preferred it if the mamasan, who could best be described as a danger to shipping, had stayed away instead of trying to milk me for a raft of lady drinks. The obligatory weird moment came when a ladyboy hostess came over, all nuts and butts and groping charm. Considering I thought I was in a go-go bar staffed exclusively by females, it was a little disconcerting to realise I was being propositioned by Lola of the well-concealed knob. The moment soon passed, but I still find it somewhat strange that

so many places nowadays have a ladyboy or three lurking in the shadows. Maybe there is some equal opportunity employment ruling that we haven’t heard about which requires a nightlife venue to have a quota of those considered almost unemployable: gypsies, tramps, thieves, midgets, defeated Democrat parliamentarians, and ladyboys. No matter, Climax is worth another visit, although next time I’ll make sure it’s not half an hour before closing time. I’ll try Mars instead: I recently ran into a friend of mine who must surely be the only regular customer of the Moon Club go-go cum coyote den (Walking Street). Not sure if he has been back again, but if it was me I would definitely be putting Moon Club on the to-be-avoided list. He said he’s been in about 15 or 20 times since it opened and one night happened to wander in at 2:50am. After checking with

16 - 30 September 2011 Issue 24 the manager, who he knows, that the bar would remain open past 3:00am (“yes, stay open until 3:30” was the reply), he ordered a thirst quencher (at 130 baht). No prizes for guessing what happened when the clock struck 3:00am. On came the lights and the girls just about crushed each other in the charge to race out the door. Of the 12 men who have placed their feet on the surface of our Moon, none ever returned. I think Fun Town’s Moon Club must surely have a similar record in terms of customers and their overall satisfaction. As an aside, the door girls wear a costume which puts me in mind of a person in a truss, although I think the management meant the outfit to resemble an astronaut, sans helmet. The twin essentials of marketing: One of the first palaces of the chrome pole a punter will pass when entering Soi Diamond from Beach Road, at its Southern end, is the New Star go-go. Having wandered in, and certainly walked past, more times than I care to recall, it cannot be a coincidence that 99 times out of 100 the curtain at the front entrance is pulled back to reveal a young damsel displaying the kind of twin-set that could have put the visual into the Siren call that tempted Ulysses, and he would have answered that call with glee. A clever ploy that, reveal your big-

Pattaya One 15

Fun Town’s most vibrant gest assets to the passing parade, and I’m sure it must attract a lot of bums on seats in what is a small and poky little den. A British specialty: Over the years I have occasionally strayed down the path of the gourmand and offered the odd recommendation of places where the value and quality of nosh is good. Most bar hounds have to obtain some of their essential nutrients from oldfashioned food, and can’t just rely on the intake of the amber fluid to give them the required energy for a night on the tiles and maybe a mattress or two. Two people I know have recently mentioned that the Shepherd’s Pie in the Bowling Green sporting emporium (Soi X-Zyte, aka Soi Drarin) is not only great value at just 109 baht, but is of excellent quality. The only downside is that the Bowling Green tends to be closed at odd times, and certainly doesn’t bat (or bowl) too long into the evening. Out of Print: After an almost unbroken 11 years in print, it’s now time for this column to move online, and I am looking forward with some excitement at really moving into the 21st century. Hope to see you at from 1 October. Piece of Pith: The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

s a t i l o L


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16 Pattaya One

16 - 30 September 2011 Issue 24

Fun Town’s most vibrant

One Pattaya

to move totally

on-line As Pattaya changes and develops, so too does the media landscape. After almost twelve months as a print and on-line publication, Pattaya One is about to advance to the next stage of its development. This will mean the end of Pattaya One as a printed newspaper as we move completely on-line as of 1 October. There will be a new website, which will become the new home of the newspaper. The main reason for this change to an on-line presence is economics and the economies of scale with print versus on-line. We are increasingly hearing from potential advertisers that their

on-line responses are dominating their printed responses. The cost of doing business on-line means we are able to offer a far greater range of pricing packages for potential advertisers and an immediacy that is just impossible in print. The commercial reality of business in the second decade of the twenty-first century is that almost everyone who is planning to engage in a serious business needs to promote that business to the online community, and considerable international research, and our own local research in Pattaya backs that up. The return on investment for both the operator (in this case Pattaya One in its new InPattayaNow guise) and the consumer (be that a single person searching for Pattaya-based, up-to-date information, or a company or business aiming to promote its services or products within the greater Pattaya area) makes great economic sense. Our overheads will be significantly reduced, yet our potential audience will be greatly enhanced, simply because of the costs of operating on-line and the fact we will be able to bring news and information to that wide audience as and when it happens.

We would like to thank all our contributors, readers and advertisers for making the first year of Pattaya One’s life an enjoyable and, most importantly, an entertaining one.

So please please join us online from 1 October at Editor, Pattaya One Newspaper

now in Pattaya

ant Fun Town’s most vibr






Pattaya One Newspaper Issue 24  

Issue 24 of Pattaya One, a new publication full of original content and fun articles.

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