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One Pattaya

Fun Town’s most vibrant

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16 - 31 March 2011 Issue 12 www.pattayaone.net

inside this issue:

% Fool in Paradise % Nightmarch % Pete’s Peregrinations % Thai Lite

Russian boars and bears bare all, too often Waving private parts does not lead to corporal punishment By Staff Writers

Small Penalties The small financial penalties are obviously no deterrent, although charging by the ‘inch’ might well have given Mr Petrov pause for thought. Over the last few years quite a number of public incidents of a sexual and so-called lewd nature have taken place almost under the glare of the camera, and certainly in practically full view of the late-night denizens of the ‘Coconut bar’ as the Pattaya Beach Road promenade is colloquially known. Of course, in most cases the audience for these free East European sex shows are themselves well versed in activities of a horizontal nature and many can be seen either stifling a yawn or having a giggle. In early February another ‘incident’ was caught on film taking place at the Bali Hai port, located at the southern end of Pattaya Beach Road. Immigration officers were called in after a foreign couple was caught engaging in lewd acts on the beach

close to the port. A 19-year-old Russian female, later identified simply as Miss Svetlana, was giving an organ recital to a 30-year-old Turkish man, named later as Mr Halil. Although Miss Svetlana and her happy friend became aware they were on camera, she remained getting to the meat of the matter until the Immigration officials broke up the party. The couple was ordered to put their clothes on and follow the officers to a police car parked nearby. The pair apologized for their actions and claimed they were not aware that what they were doing broke any laws. They were fined 500 Baht each and sent on their way with a stern warning to keep their emotions in check while in a public place. Back in the early part of 2010, the number of public sexual incidents once again coincided with the high season arrival of the Russians and other

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At the beginning of March an ‘incident’ late at night on Pattaya Beach involving a pair of Russian tourists yet again highlighted an all too common sight that occurs during the high season months. A man, later identified as Russian, was caught on film attempting to use his tumescent penis to perform a sexual act with a blonde-haired Caucasian female at the waters edge on Pattaya Beach, just 50 metres from the police station at Soi 9. Since no money appeared to be changing hands and the female acted in a way that gave the impression she was of the consenting variety, police were called to the scene. They were confronted by the Russian man, named as 31-year-old Andrei Petrov, who had left the water in all his naked glory and was waving his private parts around like a donkey on heat. Police way well have been tempted to charge the Russian with using a lump of meat with aggressive intent, but after asking him to put some clothes on he was taken to the police station and simply fined for being nude in public.

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Waving private parts does not lead to corporal punishment From page one show. They might have been fortunate to escape being charged with ‘working’ without the requisite permit.

I feel such a dick

Commentary

All I said was, “Show me your Jatz Crackers” Eastern Europeans. One such filmed activity took place in January 2010 in the waters in front of the Best Friend beer bar complex on Beach Road. A crowd had gathered and they were soon joined by Pattaya police who were amazed the young couple appeared oblivious to the commotion they were causing. The pair were arrested and later fined 1,000 baht (500 baht each) for their free

The blogosphere appears to be evenly divided between those who can’t see any problem with these very public nocturnal activities and others who would like to see offenders castigated, cauterized, castrated and cast out. Some of these comments include a simple ‘get a room!’ to ‘are they

Trust me no money changed hands and he was too big for me

A well-hung hangdog expression that arrogant or just plain stupid’ to ‘I think this is perfectly OK for a place like Pattaya…’ The apparent frequency of these incidents could lead to Pattaya getting a bad name. After all, having foreign males and females engaging in public displays of sexual affection might give ‘quality’ tourists and the burgeoning family market some pause. It would be a shock to the system if an eight-year-old from, say, Castration, Alabama was to happen upon a midnight public assignation while walking the promenade with his parents. He might be so over-

whelmed by the sight that psychiatric help and counselling would be required, for some years into the future. Given the litigious nature of those from North America, the local government could find itself fielding legal letters from the offended parents’ lawyers over this international incident. An aircraft carrier group might be sent to the Gulf of Thailand in a show of force. As for ‘quality’ tourists, they could easily be offended at the sight of naked foreign men and women performing acts which they clearly thought they would only ever see behind closed doors and undertaken by local people in exchange for monetary rewards. They could easily make a class action case stating they had come to see Amazing Thailand, not Aroused Boris and Natasha doing the Bolshoi Water Ballet.

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Fun Town’s most vibrant

And the beat goes on, yet again In order not to spoil their weekend, 100 uniformed and plain-clothed local police officers conducted a series of raids on late night entertainment venues around Pattaya on a recent Thursday night. Police Colonel Nantawoot, the Pattaya Police Chief, led the operation which targeted bars in five separate areas. A total of 10 venues, including beer bars and go-go’s were raided and random urine testing of employees took place. At the conclusion of the operation, 12

We could play checkers with these people were arrested, eight females and four males, after they failed the urine tests, which are a physical exam rather than an oral one. All 12 were subsequently charged with consumption of a class 1 drug. The colonel stated that targeting drug users on a regular basis will affect those higher up the chain

We are all built for comfort

Living off the fat of the land and then the level of drug-related crimes in Pattaya will somehow be reduced. It’s also a lot easier than trying to climb that slippery pole known as the drug chain and actually snare the so-called kingpins. ‘The line of least resistance’ it’s called in some quarters. In a master of understatement, the senior police officer apparently said he appreciated there is a major drug problem in Pattaya at the moment and claims he is determined to solve the issue as quickly as possible, even if it takes a few hundred years.

Ive seen the movie the Color Purple too

Pattaya One 03

Student attempts suicide after discovering mother with foreigner An 18-year-old Thai female, allegedly saddened over the fact her mother had begun a relationship with a foreign man, guzzled a quantity of floor cleaning liquid in an effort to end her life. Rescue workers were called to the Molwitha Traditional Thai Massage Shop on Beach Road in front of Soi 13/1 in South Pattaya and assisted the 18-year-old who was lying on the floor. She was foaming at the mouth and vomiting, which tends to happen when you drink floor cleaning liquid. Staff at the shop said the teenager had come from Bangkok to visit her mother. She then discovered the horrific news that her dear mother was in a relationship with a foreigner. She may well have started foaming at the mouth even before ingesting the liquid. The teenager was brought to a hospital where her stomach was

pumped. Doctors then checked to see what internal damage was caused by the hazardous liquid, although her mental problems are something not so easily pumped.

The results of guzzling non alcoholic fluids more news on page 06

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Pete’s Peregrinations 6,000 year Old Rock Art

By Peter Lloyd

The Skeleton Coast We have just travelled down the Skeleton Coast in Namibia, so called for the number of ships and shipwrecked sailors’ bones left on the sand over the centuries. It is a desolate, bleak place, sandwiched between baking hot, arid, endless desert and the beautifully blue Atlantic Ocean, which is deceptively rough, freezing and dangerous, and which accounts for the many shipwrecks littering the coast.

A more recent shipwreck

We have just returned from an exhausting trip, to a very remote site, again over hundreds of kilometers of desert and through magnificent mountainous landscapes, all on dirt roads, to visit some 6,000 year old rock art. Created by the hunter-gatherer communities who inhabited the mountains for thousands of years, it is unclear whether the art was for instruction, religion or pleasure, but it is a stunning sight, and well worth the massive effort to reach it.

You’d think these would be history, with modern navigation techniques and improvements in ships’ safety, but still vessels are smashed onto the rocks all along the coast, making the dirt road along the Skeleton Coast a dramatic if lonely drive.

Animal footprints carved into the rock

You can see how it gets its name

On the Skeleton Coast Road

Swakopmund – A Germanic Surprise

Swakopmund German barracks, from the 1900s After driving for hundreds of kilometers through the desert, the last thing you expect to find on the coast is architecture that looks like it has come out of a German fantasy, yet that is what awaits the intrepid visitor to Swakopmund, a former German town from when Namibia was called German South West Africa. It was a really laid-back, pleasant place, where we recharged our batteries and marvelled at the architecture, the many signs written in German, and the Gothic script lettering of road signs (Including such roads as ‘Bismarck Strasse”) around this interesting town jammed on the coast and surrounded by desert and the Atlantic Ocean.

After a long drive through the desert, to find this architecture in a small coastal town is even more of a surprise.

More unusual Swakopmund architecture

Contact me at pattayaonepete@gmail.com

An old German hospital in Swakopmund (now a hotel)

Nigerians Scammed! We met a Nigerian medical salesman in a bar in Windhoek, the capital of Namibia, who was a very pleasant, intelligent man, until my friend told him he was from Ireland, at which point the Nigerian became highly animated and ranted and raved about his being ripped off by a scam perpetrated by the Irish people on Nigerians, which came to light when he attended a medical conference in Dublin and was shocked to order a bottle of Guinness only to discover how weak it was, More Guinness is drunk in Nigeria than in Ireland, and in Nigeria it

is brewed to 7.5% strength, which is a seriously strong beer, whereas in Ireland it is apparently brewed to just over 4%. To our Nigerian friend this “scam” was worthy of a war crimes tribunal, and he wondered how Nigerians can have such a bad reputation of scams when the Irish can do this to Africans visiting their country with impunity! After much head –nodding and sympathetic mutterings we got away from him as quickly as possible before he could offer us a chance to bank 50 million quid of his dead uncle’s money.


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Letters to the Editor If you would like to voice your opinion in print, please send us your thoughts and ideas by email to: editor@pattayaone.net Letters may be edited to improve clarity and spelling.

Hacking advice Sir, Here is a bit of advice for anyone who has had their computer hacked, from someone who successfully extracted a sizeable settlement from an elderly American hacker living in Suksabai Villa. The first step is that one has to find the IP Address of the hacker, and the time of the hacking, obtained in my case from the operator of one of the websites he hacked. Every time anyone accesses a website he leaves a record of his IP Address Number and the time of login. Using one of the many IP Address location websites on Google

one can then find the name of the Internet provider controlling the IP Address in question. The next step is to proceed to the ‘Technology Crime Suppression Division’ (with proof of the hacking) which is at the ‘Central Investigation Bureau’ of the Royal Thai Police, located in the Government Complex, Chaengwattana Road, Laksi, Bangkok. The Bangkok Police then contact the Internet Provider and request the identity of the person using the IP Address at that specific time. This all unfortunately takes a long time, a lot of effort, and an

incredible amount of perseverance, in my case six months, but eventually the Internet Provider will send the police the required data, and they will then take action. If the police do not take action just contact a law company such as Siam Legal, who will very soon make things happen. The penalties for computer crime are now considerable, and have been in place since 2007. It’s long and it’s tedious, but it’s worth it to get some little computer nerd who thinks he can do whatever he likes on the internet! Cheers,

Terry McB. By email This is a timely reminder that any kind of computer to Internet activity involves the possibility of potentially sensitive information being compromised, and not necessarily by some hacker based in Snowdriftski, Estonia. There are plenty of people with far too much time on their hands living right here in Pattaya or Thailand in general who are capable of hacking into personal emails and even bank accounts of their intended victims.

Keeper of the rubbish Sir, In your last edition you carried a letter from Koto ‘Keeper of the Ocean” about the state of the beaches. With all due respect to this gentleman, I find his single-minded obsession with the state of Pattaya’s beaches to have led him into dangerous territory of being a beach litterer himself. I agree with him that the beaches should be better cleaned, but not with how he goes about publicising his single issue obsession. 1. He should NOT deface the beaches with his own junk. He defaces trees, blocks drainage and even (I saw the other day) has signs stuck to the wall of TUCKOM! Here is one example of one of his unsightly signs messing up the beach.

2. If he really wants to save the beaches, his signs are not directed at the new main littering and cigarette butt-dropping culprits, ie the Russians. He needs to somehow begin to educate them, but not by putting up more unsightly notices. I too want to keep the beaches clean, but that includes removing KOTO’s ugly signage, or is it Ok if I begin putting up my own signs asking people not to put up their own signs all over Pattaya every time they get a bee in their bonnet about something? Yours sincerely, Christopher Cross, By email

Another 150 good reasons to live in Asia My previous letters to you may have given the impression that I can see only the negative side of Pattaya. Nothing could be further from the truth. I was just trying to make paradise here more perfect; does that make sense! While the disadvantages of living here are in the low single figures, the advantages are more than one hundred fold. Listed below are a few good examples. Recently I took advantage of the rare damp weather to have my hair cut and shampooed, toes and nails manicured. Plus I left my wet/dirty top with the hairdressers to be washed and ironed within 24 hours. Total cost 415 baht, plus well earned tips 65 baht. By now the sun had decided to grace us with its presence and it

was around 5:30pm. I opted for the long walk via the beach to my next port of call, a dentist in Pattaya. When I reached the beach, the tide was almost fully in and over the next 35 minutes I walked along the water’s edge, stripped to the waist to catch the last rays of sunshine and show off my new found abdominal muscles which glistened in the sun after my recent 11-kilo weight loss! I finally left the beach and made my way to the 7:00pm dental appointment. 6:50pm arriving at the dental shop I was pleasantly surprised to find that the dentist was actually waiting for me! Attending various dentists in Ireland I have never experienced this before. A young woman dentist and her two attractive female assistants

greeted me and then escorted me to the dentist’s chair. A very professional examination followed before the dentist set to work. A little drama before the job was quite finished, a power failure and the last finishing touches were done by torch light, very novel. The dentist insisted I come back for a final checkup next day, although it seemed fine to me and most surprisingly they would not even accept the 800 baht payment for the work already done! So I agreed to return the next day. Who am I to argue with three females who insist on making a further date with me. How much would all this have cost in Ireland? The dental work alone would be at least 50 Euro. The haircut and shampoo at least 28 Euro.

Could it be I’m falling in love… with Thailand and its people? Added bonuses, racism and sexism and all that politically correct nonsense I am happy to say do not exist in Asia. Derek, by email We kept waiting for the punch line for the dentist: something out of the movie Marathon Man (“is it safe?”). Thankfully, most dental experiences in Pattaya seem to mirror your own. Great value and good work. Sadly, racism and sexism do exist, but then this is the case in pretty much every country in the world. Political correctness (PC) less so, and let’s hope it stays that way.


06 Pattaya One A Norwegian resident of Pattaya was accused of engaging in lewd acts with a minor at the beginning of March. Officers from the Police Region 2 Child and Women Protection Unit based at Banglamung Police Station visited the K2M Apartments off Soi Ngern Plub Wan in East Pattaya following reports the apartment owner was with a 16 year old girl. Officers made their way to a room on the second floor, occupied by Mr. Karstein Abrahamsen, aged 65, from Norway. Inside the room, the police said that Mr. Abrahamsen was naked, which is fine because it’s his room. The 16 year old girl was also naked, which police found a little disconcerting because this wasn’t her room. Close to the bed were opened condom packets. Of course, both could be amateur collectors of unusual ephemera and might well have been trying to

Norwegian arrested following ‘encounter’ with 16 year old girl decide who had the more impressive collection. Upon questioning Mr. Abrahamsen vehemently denied allegations he was engaged in sexual acts with the girl. After all, the condom packets were only opened and the prophylactic items were still in a pristine condition, as would befit a genuine collector. The girl also stated the pair had not engaged in any kind of penetrative sex. She didn’t appear too disappointed. Residents at the apartments stated that Mr. Abrahamsen, who is the owner of the complex, has been seen with females under the

Leaping the Gulf: One Mighty Bound, Pattaya to Hua Hin By John Borthwick “Imagine there were a fast ferry that ran straight across the Gulf.” Residents and visitors in Pattaya and Hua Hin have long fantasized about leaping the Gulf in one mighty bound, and leap-frogging Bangkok to boot. Indeed, imagine not having to haul yourself up to Bangkok to then be tossed Hua Hin-wards in a banzai van too often piloted by a Lippo-enhanced hell-driver. Imagine no more. And yet, “Imagine” is precisely the word — it’s the name of the new ferry that now scoots at 17 knots across the Gulf of Thailand, at last connecting two of the country’s most popular coastal destinations. To be precise, the good ship Imagine runs from Pran Buri, 25 km south of Hua Hin, to the Ocean Marina at Na Jomtien below Pattaya. I sample the new service on its easterly journey ex-Hua Hin. An air-conditioned van collects me and other passengers from the Hua Hin Clock Tower rendezvous and drives us 30 minutes to a private riverside marina at Pak Nam Pran. Ticketing happens without fuss. We wait briefly in the shade of a beer and soon the white, purpose-built, 18.5 metre catamaran Imagine comes

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gliding downriver, just in from Pattaya. Docking, she quickly disembarks (or in the case of Americans, “debarks”) her 50 passengers, mostly foreigners. We board, with our luggage stowed by the deckhands, to take our seats either within the roomy, air-conditioned main cabin or anywhere on the three deck areas – forward, aft or bridge. Before I know it we’re already pulling away from the dock, turning downstream to weave an easy chicane past the afternoon’s returning trawlers. Ten minutes later, with the riverside fishing villages falling behind us, the skipper points Imagine at the open sea and opens up her twin 360 hp Hyundai marine inboards. Operations Manager, Allan Curyer, a nuggety, friendly, veteran tugboat master from Western Australia, tells me the trip takes 3.5

age of 20 on numerous occasions. Just how they knew they were under 20 is not known, although girls in school uniforms do tend to look on the youthful side. Due to the fact both parties denied allegations of sexual activity and no definitive evidence was found that the pair had engaged in sexual acts (and there were no board games such as Scrabble or Twister in the room) the Norwegian was charged with taking a minor from her parents without their consent. It will now be up to a judge to decide if any evidence collected at the scene can be used to increase

the severity of the charge.

hours, dock-to-dock. “We started the service on 19 November last year. It was a bit low-key at first while we ironed out any bugs and now we’re putting the word out. Our schedule is three times a week, round-trip out of Pattaya, carrying up to 70 passengers plus five crew.” I watch from the bridge where Allan keeps an eye on the horizon and the Thai captain, Tuu at the helm also scans the radar for trawlers and their nets. The sea is a powder blue plain, smooth and almost windless; the swell is minimal, and the big cat skips over it all with little noise or vibration. The hills of the western Gulf coast fade to a blue smudge behind us, while the east coast — some 59 nautical miles, or 110 kilometres ahead — is not yet visible. In the main cabin, I relax in a reclining, aircraft-style seat, enjoying the free sandwiches and coffee available throughout the voyage, and guffawing (for the Nth time) at big screen videos of the unspoken, esperanto idiocy of Mr Bean. (Think, “the dentist” episode and “the army tank.”) Imagine is the brainchild of Pattaya-based Swedish entrepreneur Gert Persson (of the ThaiLiving real estate and law practices). Having seen this gap in the Thai travel market, he built Imagine to international specifications, employing the latest in navigation and safety equipment. Life vests and rafts are available for all passengers and the vessel is equipped with digital radar, GPS, UHF/VHF radio, EPIRB and autopilot. Out on the foredeck, a contingent of Scandinavians is, predictably, working on their trophy tans. In the shade of the aft deck, others are equally predictably enjoying a beer. I drop into a snooze. When I

awake the silhouettes of Pattaya’s Koh Larn and its neighboring islands are slipping past while ahead the condo towers of Jomtien loom like a Gold Coast or Cancun-inthe-making. Almost too soon we’re back on dry land at Ocean Marina with transfer vans waiting to shuttle us to hotels. I ask another passenger, Jomtien resident Sandy Carle, on his first voyage, for his opinion of the ferry. “It’s a wonderful way of getting to Hua Hin or Pattaya. I hope it continues, that passenger numbers increase and that there’ll be benefit to those who had the foresight to get this operation up and running.” Couldn’t have said it better myself.

Many a good tune played on an old fiddle or guitar

FAST FACTS: The ferry Imagine makes three round-trip crossings a week, on Wednesday, Friday and Sunday, departing Pattaya at 08:30 and Hua Hin at 12:30. Customers are transferred in minibuses between central points in both cities and the respective piers. Reservations and Ticketing: info@thailivingferry.comPattaya Pattaya: 038-364 515 mob: 087-7475999 Hua Hin: 032-632 223 mob: 084-8007400

Fares 1500 baht One Way 2900 baht Round Trip 900 baht Children 4-13yr 4500 baht Family 2 adults 2

350 baht

children Parcel Service <3kg


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Kris & Noi’s

Private

be able to ensure that they don’t starve.

Bare Back Berks

Do you have a question about customs or culture, or perhaps just a general comment on life in Thailand? Email Kris & Noi at: knprivateposts@gmail.com Buckle Up

While taking my wife on a shopping trip in our new car, I made a left turn on a red light and was immediately flagged down by the constabulary. He explained that he was citing me because I didn’t heed the sign that said no turn on red, and further cited me because neither my wife nor I were wearing safety belts. I pleaded ignorance on both counts, saying the sign must have been in Thai and I don’t read Thai, and that I didn’t know seat belts were mandatory. He said, in rather decent English, “Everyone riding in a vehicle must to use safety belt.” Surely I shouldn’t receive citations for things I couldn’t be expected to know? Following from this I also would like to know: does that safety harness requirement apply to the dozen laborers transported in the back of a pick-up? Bogart The cop was right….and don’t call me Shirley (™Leslie Nielsen). Ignorance of the law is not an acceptable excuse, here or anywhere else; it is up to the visitor to become acquainted with driving laws of

a foreign country. However, in Thailand it is difficult to know just what the hell is or isn’t allowed; even when English language translations of the highway rules can be found, they are often vague and even contradictory. Carrying passengers without safety belts in a pickup’s cargo area is dangerous, especially when coupled with the reckless driving standards, but, just like extra passengers on a motorbike, is accepted by the authorities as a normal and necessary fact of life here for lower income people. Here’s an interesting point: a brief website search revealed that several American states have no regulations against carrying passengers without restraints, and others allow adults not children, so it isn’t just a Thai trait. Incidentally, as an expat you must know the safety value of seat belts, so shouldn’t you use them automatically without being ordered to, especially so when considering the accident rates for Thailand?

Big Spender

Whenever I buy my girlfriend new

Due to public and staff holidays the British Consulate in Pattaya will be open in April on the following days: Friday 1st April Monday 4th April Thursday 21st April Tuesday 26th April Wednesday 27th April Thursday 28th April Whilst we are closed please visit our website www.ukinthailand.fco.gov.uk for advice about the consular services we can help with. If you require Notarial services please contact the Consular Section of the British Embassy in Bangkok on 02 305 8333. Our Bangkok staff will be able to advise you on the best way to submit your documents, based on your circumstances. We apologise for any inconvenience this may cause you.

clothes she wears them as soon as she next goes out—even if it’s an expensive dress and she’s only going to a local market. And she never saves a satang of her salary; come the end of the month she is broke (but never asks me for any, just awaits pay day). Westerners appreciate a new suit of clothes and keep it for a special occasion, and we always put something into savings for the future. Is she a one-off or is this the way of all Thais? Cagney Thais are like children, wanting to wear new clothes immediately. They reason that the clothes are to be enjoyed, so why wait for some special occasion. Your girl feels just as good wearing that dress to the market as she would if going to a fancy restaurant. Disagree that all Westerners save for that rainy day, but it is true that Thais tend to have a live for today attitude with money, certainly amongst the rural community. These families are usually close-knit, so people know that, should they fall on hard times, someone in the family group will

I agree with you when you advised that writer against not using condoms. I am a whole-hearted monger but always take precautions, even when I have a longer term girlfriend. But on the forums some men claim that they don’t use them, and pay the girls extra to have sex without, claiming that it isn’t necessary, as the odds are against catching AIDS anyway. I think these men are stupid and selfish, as they can also ruin a girl’s life too. I’ve never had a girl offer to go without, but I suppose that some are silly enough to do it if a man pays extra. Edward G It’s all very well saying that statistically the chances of catching AIDS are minimal, but these latexfree loonies forget that the women they have sex with are also spreading the honey amongst many other punters, thereby increasing the risk of infection. AIDS is the ultimate downer but there are many other sexual infections and diseases that can be prevented by using condoms. It would be all right if they were just risking their own health but, in a worst case scenario, any disease, unless detected and treated, could involve the girl, her future customers, and women he would go with later. Offering extra for unprotected sex is rather callous, as many of the women are badly educated regarding STD’s and AIDS, and have no idea as to what could happen to them.

Twitwatch

Two Birds snogging on Soi 7 This tender moment of the ornithological kind was caught by our photographer in an aviary between Sois 7 and 8 recently. Feather or not these birds were actually kissing, or our man was just having a flight of

fancy, we think the photo proves he has a talon-t for being in the right place at the right time, proving once again that Pattaya isn’t just full of vultures and other birds of prey.


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Living Healthy in Pattaya By Khun Dee Gone are the good old days when cholesterol was talked about in terms of being above or below 200 mg (5.2 mmol/L for our European readers). In this high-tech era of modern medicine, we now must be cognizant not only of that total cholesterol reading, but also of LDL cholesterol and HDL cholesterol, not to mention triglycerides and all the relevant numbers assigned to each of those blood fats. Confused? You’re not alone. To make matters worse, the longstanding notion that lower is better is no longer always the case. Some media authorities and Internet bloggers are even promoting the theory that subnormal cholesterol levels might be dangerous.

What to do... Get a handle on all those cholesterol-related numbers, have your blood checked, and keep your cholesterol numbers at levels that will reduce the risk of a heart attack or stroke--the two leading killers in the world today. Protecting your body and your brain against those two deadly threats begins with a simple and inexpensive blood test. Visit any doctor’s office, clinic, blood lab or hospital in Pattaya and request a cholesterol test that includes LDL, HDL and triglyceride readings. If the doctor or laboratory clinician says that you need just a total cholesterol count and not a breakdown of the other blood fats, get tested elsewhere. If you do such testing every year, you will be more likely to live a longer and more vigorous life. Once you have a breakdown of all your cholesterol numbers, do what you can to improve each of them to a healthy level. One large study recently determined that people who had only one number that was abnormally high or low were three times more at risk for heart disease. So if you want to enjoy your golden years here in paradise, get control of each of those numbers.

What should those numbers be? Keeping your total cholesterol level below 200 remains important. Anything higher puts you in the borderline-high category and at greater risk of developing coronary heart disease. It would be even bet-

Cholesterol

eliminate trans fats. You may also reach for a cholesterol-balancing supplement such as: niacin (check with your doctor first) or pantothenic acid (300 milligrams a day) or DHA omega-3 fat (600 milligrams of DHA or 2 grams of fish oil). The best way to reduce triglyceride levels is to change your lifestyle. If you smoke, quit. If you’re overweight, diet. If you’re sedentary, join a gym or just walk 30 to 60 minutes every day. Finally, visit a doctor and create an overall plan that will help you achieve your goal. But be encouraged by the fact that your risk of heart attack falls 1% every time you lower lousy LDL by just one point. It drops 2% every time you raise your healthy HDL by one point. Doing both gives you an exponentially bigger bang for your cardiovascular buck. Finally, do your best reduce those heart-damaging blood fats called triglycerides to below 100.

the good, the bad and the deadly ter if you could reduce that figure by half, to under 100. But knowing and targeting your overall cholesterol is relatively meaningless unless you know and tweak levels of the other three blood fats--LDL, HDL, and triglycerides. LDL, of course, is a bad cholesterol (you can remember by associating the “L” with lousy). The lower your LDL cholesterol, the lower your risk of heart attack and stroke. In fact, your LDL reading is a better gauge of risk than total blood cholesterol. Reducing your lousy cholesterol level to between 70 and 100 mg is optimal--especially for someone with diabetes or an existing heart disease. Borderline LDL is 130 to 159; and 160 or more is high. With HDL cholesterol, on the other hand, higher levels are better-preferably 60 mg or higher to help protect you against heart disease. Men with an HDL level less than 40 (50 for women) are at higher risk for heart disease. It would be excellent if you could get your HDL up to 60 or above and your LDL down to 70; that would actually help remove plaque from your blood vessels. All in all it would keep your heart young, your sex life active and your memory intact.

Which brings us to triglycerides Triglycerides are the most common type of fat in the body. Many people who have heart disease or diabetes have high triglyceride levels, often due to being overweight, lack of physical activity, smoking cigarettes, excess alcohol and/or a high carbohydrate diet (60 percent or more of calories). Altering such destructive behavior can help reduce triglycerides to under 150 mg, which is considered normal and relatively safe. Anything above 150 mg presents one of the risk factors of metabolic syndrome, which increases the risk for heart disease and other disorders, including diabetes. Beyond which, a high triglyceride level combined with low HDL cholesterol or high LDL cholesterol may accelerate atherosclerosis (the buildup of fatty de-

posits in artery walls), increasing the chance of a heart attack and stroke.

To rebalance your blood fats... Lose weight, exercise, limit alcohol, and eat a healthy diet. That combination not only promotes general health, it also helps ensure proper cholesterol levels. Avoid processed foods, including white flour and white rice, eat whole grains, fish and lean meat, lots of fruits and vegetables, slash saturated fat and totally

Free Personal Cholesterol Profile The Cholesterol Heart Profiler is a great starting point for learning about prevention and treatment options for your specific cholesterol levels. This free, confidential online service creates a printable report with the key information you need to fully understand your cholesterol levels, health risks and treatment options. You’ll get a personalized cardiovascular disease risk profile, along with a summary of treat-

ment options, potential side effects, success rates and a list of relevant medical journal articles and research studies, all summarized in plain English, Spanish or Chinese. Provided by the American Heart Association, the service is free to all citizens of the world...and expats in Pattaya. Go to: https://www.heartprofiler. nexcura.com/Secure/InterfaceSecure. asp?DB=1

Total Cholesterol Level

Category

Less than 200 mg/dL 200 to 239 mg/dL 240 mg/dL and above

Desirable level that puts you at lower risk for coronary heart disease. A cholesterol level of 200 mg/dL or higher raises your risk. Borderline high High blood cholesterol. A person with this level has more than twice the risk of coronary heart disease as someone whose cholesterol is below 200 mg/dL.

LDL Cholesterol Level

Category

Less than 100 mg/dL 100 to 129 mg/dL 130 to 159 mg/dL 160 to 189 mg/dL 190 mg/dL and above

Optimal Near or above optimal Borderline high High Very high

HDL Cholesterol Level

Category

Less than 40 mg/dL (for men) Less than 50 mg/dL (for women) 60 mg/dL and above

Low HDL cholesterol. A major risk factor for heart disease.

Triglyceride Level

Category

Less than 150 mg/dL 150–199 mg/dL 200–499 mg/dL 500 mg/dL and above

Normal Borderline high High Very high

High HDL cholesterol. An HDL of 60 mg/dL and above is considered protective against heart disease.


16 - 31 March 2011 Issue 12

What’s the strangest thing you’ve ever seen here? (Part 1) To which question the honest answer must be: “how long have you got”? When I saw a thread called “What’s the strangest thing you’ve seen here” on Thai Visa, I knew I was in for a treat. I mean, where do you start? Strangest things in Thailand? And especially in Pattaya? You could write a book a week about them. My strangest thing was seeing a monkey on the back of a rickshaw, sitting on a seat and holding on to the support bar, looking every inch like a human, watching me with interest as I drove behind it. But others have seen stranger sights. MZurf for example, in Bangkok, saw a pick up grossly overloaded with a huge elephant - it looked surreal! And following that with a “chang lek” experience, what must also have seemed surreal was richieudon seeing a crazed Thai man with no clothes on sprinting through the town’s high street with his penis in his hand at about 8am. To which BWPattaya wittily observed: Sounds painful! I hope it was still attached to his groin! Recalling the deeply superstitious nature of Thai society, Nocturn said he’d seen a street cleaner spending forty minutes yesterday trying to get my cat to pick the lottery numbers…..The cat was not impressed. I kept a close watch at first because the cat is too friendly for its own good. Once I figured out what she was up to I left them to it. Craig3365 added another superstitious animal anecdote: My wife told me how the ladies in her village use a turtle to pick numbers. They put a turtle in a box with numbers on pieces of paper. Somehow, a number is selected and off they go! And since none are the richer, I am guessing it doesn’t work very well. Jimbeam1 also had an unusual animal/lottery number tale: In a village in Khorat, I saw a group of ladies looking at a frogs belly; one was rubbing it. I asked the girlfriend what they were doing. She explained they get it drunk on Lao Khao, then rub talcum powder on it’s belly to get lotto numbers.

Pattaya One 09

Fun Town’s most vibrant

ABOVE BAWD

IN PATTAYA

By JOHN THOMAS our Internet Forum Snoop

Sponsored by

An unusual sight – Modern Pattaya Parenting They all came up with different numbers! Clearly not a Pattaya resident, otherwise this would be a daily sight, chuang said his strangest sight was: a scruffy, pot belly farang in shorts and singlet holding the waist of a young thai girl. And combining the sexual, nutty and (possibly) superstitious side of Thailand, jpez said: I was at a temple in Bangkok and walked past a lady who was undressing. When I turned to look back, she was naked and had climbed up onto a small statue of a temple. She straddled the spire top and then lowered herself onto it. Samuian also had a tale that linked women to sex objects and superstition when he said one of his strangest sights had been: A woman’s purse which had a wooden penis, as a money-attracting amulet in it! (I suppose that depends how big it was. It might have had a more obvious use, which might have attracted her yet more money!) Sillyman said: The strangest things I have ever seen in Thailand are the Farangs that hate to live here, yet still live here, all the time professing they have plenty of money and can go to live where they choose, and they still choose to stay in Thailand, yet all they do

is put Thailand and Thai people down. So they marry a Thai person and live in Thailand. Now, that is very strange. On a deeply Buddhist-philosophical track, the appropriately-named Birdman said his most unusual sight was: Farangs who crush ants on the table, without stopping talking about minor matters. I have noticed that several times. Mentioning something I also have cringed at, CarlBkk offered his most unusual sight as: The twice daily MK staff dance needs to be seen to be believed. It would be classed as a crime against humanity in the West. To which Kilgore Trout added: I was just there the other week with my wife and in-laws; they started the dance and I said to my wife that I felt sorry for them....she replied: “why do you feel sorry for them, it’s their job?” Cultural differences I guess. LindsayBkk made a sartorial point: Thais wearing T-Shirts that say: F**k off you mother F**king F**ker Or I will F**king.....etc..... I wonder how far I would get wearing a T-Shirt like that in Australia. To which Birdman wittily replied: If it is in Thai, you’d get from Coffs Harbour to Carnavon. Ianforbes began one travelling

tale with: when I was travelling with a pretty Thai lady from Sakhon Nakon….. to which, an obviously irked poster, mca, replied: I’m waiting for one of your posts that says “I was travelling with a Thai lady with a face like a bulldog licking piss from a thistle” or “ I once knew a young Thai lady whose face resembled a robber’s dog’s arse”. There were a number of heartwarming posts about Thai in-law parents pawning gold to lend to their daughters and foreigner sonin-laws for business purposes, or in emergencies, which were unusual acts of generosity and deeply appreciated by the posters who had received this help. Thunderbird4ever, however, saw it differently: Guys. The 3 of you add to the list of the strangest things I for sure have seen here. I mean, you come as a foreigner to a developing country to leech onto your Thai girlfriend’s mothers and fathers that are not wealthy. They have to pawn gold for you to make a living here and to buy some furniture. That’s not cool at all. If you’re that potless, I seriously think you should have stayed home. This incendiary response received the expected storm of criticism. On a less salubrious tack, Starlifter said: The strangest thing I’ve seen? A pair of dog nuts attached to a dog sniffing me as I awoke on the sidewalk about 6 a.m. after trying to make it home from a good night of 8 ounce weight lifting. To which nocturn retorted: Thanks for the mental image. It’s good to hear you are living the dream. To end on a horrifying and sobering reminder of one of Thailand’s recent tragedies, and to remind us that “strange” doesn’t always mean “funny”, this from David006: Morning of December 26 2004 - from about 4 hundred meters out in Patong bay looking shoreward watching Patong “disappear” Morning of Dec 28th 2004 Khaolak ...just sand and concrete where the beautiful resorts once existed..... body bags everywhere... heart wrenching. IanForbes added: I was SUPPOSED to be staying with Thai friends in their beach hut near Kao Lak. My daughter in Canada e-mailed me asking me to come home for Christmas, only two weeks before the tragic event. When I returned in March the home where my friends used to live was washed away and nobody ever heard from them again. Nor were their neighbours. The two families I knew with 4 young children had all gone missing. All comments or Web Board tipoffs gratefully received at jt@pattayaone.net


10 Pattaya One

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Pattaya Focus on ...... By Street Stroller

South Pattaya Market

From The Spice Girls I always buy spicy chilli mixes and pastes from headscarf-wearing Muslim ladies in the market, which adds bite to my cooking, and I also buy very fresh and cheap “rat shit” chillis [prik kee noo] in the market, which are the strongest I have eaten in Thailand. Early birds (and blokes) already know the delights of South Pattaya market, hidden behind stalls on South Pattaya Road, almost opposite Chaimongkol Temple. It is a mecca for serious, earlymorning shoppers and cooks, looking for a wide array of fresh vegetables, fish, and meat. It is best seen around 8:00am, before it gets too hot under the tin roof, too smelly from the various unrefrigerated goods for sale, and before the floor becomes too slippery from the wet goods, such as fish, which require regular soakings by stallholders to keep them from drying out or going off (which also adds to the malodorous smells later in the morning).

Chillis Galore Fruit stall in early morning sunlight I now know better. They are often bought and released into temple ponds and lakes, accompanied by standard Buddhist prayers, which require you to buy a specific number of various creatures to be released as the prayers are being said, for the ritual to be successful.

Get there early for many reasons. As you may be guessing, whilst the market is excellent, not all the sights, sounds, smells and sale items in the market are that delightful at all. Nestling between the many stalls overflowing with fruit, vegetables, fish, meat and dry goods, are others selling live animals, including turtles, eels, fish, frogs and birds.

Zoot Alors! This is an interesting fusion of Buddhism and superstition, and South Pattaya market is the place to go if you are into this.

To be released or not, some of the conditions these creatures are held in are pitiful, for example the overheated birds or the squashed frogs. I have often bought creatures just to get them out of there, but after a while my pocket became smaller than my conscience. Still, it is easy to skirt around these stalls and instead focus on what the market is properly renowned for: its vegetables, fruit, fish and meat. I have a favourite supplier of steak in the market, but I will only buy from her early in the morning. Also the pork, in every imaginable cut, is excellent from many vendors.

I always check to see if they have any “ready to eat” fresh crab meat, which they used to sell in plastic bags to save lazy bastards like me from doing it themselves, stopping on the way out to buy chicken mince and excellent chicken fillets from another of the vendors. Finally, once outside, on South Pattaya Road, it’s time to hit the fruit stalls for some delicious fresh fruit, and, from other vendors, the ready-cooked spicy Isaan foodstuffs, if I fancy a ring-burner breakfast. It is always an eventful trip to South Pattaya market, and the day is still young when I emerge into the daylight - and the fresh air, with my bag full of food swag. Go later in the day and you may not have such a positive visit.

Cool

music for the

Save a Prayer: In the Belly of the Beasts When I first arrived in Pattaya, I ignorantly believed these creatures were for sale as food items.

Never down at eel. Of course, some of the stalls, such as those selling dead frogs can’t claim to be supplying them for Buddhist prayers, but the majority of them are.

hot city

www.pattaya105.com


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12 Pattaya One

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16 - 31 March 2011 Issue 12

THE

FRUGAL GOURMAND

BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS Mother always said that breakfast was the most important meal of the day. So, in deference to Mom (or Mum, for my British friends), I’ve decided to highlight a few of my favourite places to fuel up in the morning before a hectic day at the beach, the golf course or the beer bars. O’Gara’s Bar and Grill, on Pratamnak Road, near Soi 5, part of the Tara Court Hotel, offers a choice of set breakfasts at very attractive prices. An added perk is that the breakfasts include a free refill on the coffee, as well as orange juice. A ‘small’ breakfast,’ at 95 baht, includes an egg (any style), a slice of back bacon, sausage, beans, cooked tomatoes and toast. You’d better be famished if you order the full Irish breakfast at 150 baht. I also enjoy the ham and cheese croissant breakfast at 100 baht. I usually add a boiled egg for an additional 15 baht. If you want to be healthy, order the fruit salad breakfast, which comes with a dollop of yoghurt atop the fruit and juice and coffee, of course. About a kilometre down Soi 5 from Pratamnak Road, you’ll find My Corner, which is a most enjoyable breakfast spot. Their small

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My Corner breakfast breakfast is similar to the one mentioned above, except you get two eggs and it’s 90 baht. (No refill on the coffee, though.) I also like their pancake breakfast, including two eggs and two bacon strips, as well as, two pancakes for 110 baht. Note that coffee is extra on this one. Open since 2005, Papa David, in Jomtien, is still going strong. It’s located off Thappraya Road, a few steps from the Hanuman Statue. Papa David offers a wide selection of breakfasts from around the world; ranging in price from under 50 baht to about 250 baht. He’s currently featuring a ‘Jomtien special breakfast,’ which includes an egg, sausage, bacon, beans, toast and coffee for 99 baht. On Thappraya Road, near Thepprasit, is Continental Bakery,

which features a wide selection of delicious breakfasts. Their breakfasts are also reasonably priced, come with fresh, squeezed orange juice and coffee and are accompanied by fresh baked bread. They also offer a large variety of a la carte pancake choices. Gossip, on Soi Day and Night, a few steps from Tuk.com, also offers lots of reasonably priced, delicious breakfast choices. For the value conscious, their coffee is served in a large mug. Their American breakfast is 129 baht and comes with home fried potatoes, a rarity in these parts. For those who really want bang for their baht, why not try one of the breakfast buffets offered in Fun Town? Danmark, on the soi between Jomtien Beach Road Sois

7 and 8 offers a nice breakfast buffet at 160 baht. It includes eggs made to order and a small buffet with hot and cold items, as well as, cereals and yoghurt. I especially enjoyed their marinated herring fillets, which, unfortunately, were not offered the last time I visited. They also have a variety of breads and rolls, including poppy seeded rolls. I’m sad to hear that Poseidon Restaurant, in Jomtien Complex, which offered a terrific breakfast buffet, is closing. It’ll be missed. Lots of hotels offer buffet breakfast at various prices. Haven’t tried them yet, but Apex Hotel and Lek Hotel, both on Second Road, have all you can eat buffet breakfast buffets at 110 baht and 95 baht, respectively. If any adventurous souls have tried them, let me know.

Papa David Jomtien

If you have any favorite restaurants you’d like included; or would like your restaurant reviewed, email me at thefrugalgourmandpattayaone@gmail.com

Bizarre Sights It’s WALKING Street

Our late night correspondent was recently on Walking Street, obviously late at night, when he spotted this group of figure-hugging lycra-clad gentlemen (and yes, he could tell they were men), parading around, causing a great deal of interest, in what was presumably a marketing event of some kind, although who in their right minds is in the market for buying an all-in-one lycra suit at 2am is beyond us, and of the remainder, they won’t remember the next day, will they? Or they’ll think it was some weird psychedelic dream. Luckily our reporter snapped this photo to prove to himself that the ya dong hadn’t addled his already well-pickled brain. Modesty meant we had to crop what was happening to the gentleman in blue but we believe a passer-by may have misunderstood the name of the street. They certainly made a big impression that night. {where did they hide their money? Ed.]


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GAYMARCH

16 - 31 March 2011 Issue 12

Coming Events

Email: gaymarchpattayaone@gmail.com

I was in Patong Beach, Phuket for Phuket Pride, which was held 23-26 February. There were four nights of street parties centred in the main gay area, Soi Paradise, as well as a grand parade along the beach and beach volleyball. This mega event was held in collaboration with the Patong Municipality; The Andaman Power Organization, which supports sexual diversity and concentrates on Aids awareness and other health matters; Patong Hospital and the LGBT Volunteers Team of Phuket Island. The entire event had a Thai face, while farang bar owners, supporters, etc. stayed in the background. Also noteworthy was that although the soi was jammed with hundreds of revelers, the street was not closed to vehicular traffic; causing some dicey moments. For four nights there were performances by the ‘girls’ and boys representing the various bars, dressed in outrageous costumes and makeup (or, in some cases, very little in the way of costumes). Even ‘Lady Gaga’ was in attendance. During the afternoons there were gay cruises, sponsored by Connect Guest House, and gay volley-ball, with teams representing the various gay venues in competition. What could be more fun than watching sweaty hunks hitting a ball back and forth over a net? The Grand Parade was a highlight of the event and proceeded for over two kilometres along the beach ending up at the Paradise Complex. Feathers, boas and beefcake were the order of the day. If you decide to attend this event next year, make reservations early, as

Reaching for the stars

most of the gay hotels and guest houses were fully booked. Phuket probably has the largest concentration of gay bars and venues after Bangkok and Pattaya. There are over a dozen go-go bars, host bars, massage parlors and saunas concentrated in the Paradise Complex. Most of the go-go bars present popular cabaret shows. If you’re looking for Bangkok-style raunchy shows, you probably won’t find them here. Tangmo is one of the oldest go-go bars and puts on a very entertaining show, nightly. It also has a good variety of boys to suit most tastes. Drink prices in the bars are comparable to Pattaya. However, unlike Pattaya, some bars soak the punter when it comes to the ‘boy’ drink. One may order a beer for himself at 100 baht and be surprised to learn, upon examining the ‘check bin,’ that the boy’s ‘cock-

Ebola doing a rendition of their hit This Puss is Infectious. 18 March (Friday) until 20 March (Sunday): The Pattaya International Music Festival 2011 will take place, primarily along Pattaya Beach Road, much of which will be closed off to traffic for the three-day annual event. As of going to press there wasn’t a great deal of English-language information available on specific bands, but just follow the noise and you’re sure to find something to your musical taste.

Not quite the Rio Carnivale tail’ was 250 baht; and you can bet that the boy will always order a special cocktail. I thought that little trick was not very endearing. An advantage of Phuket is the beautiful scenery and gorgeous beach. Patong has a gay beach area of sorts, but nothing to compare with our beloved Dongtan Beach. Back home, Ganymede’s Friday night shindigs were so popular that they’ve become a regular Friday night event. Held weekly from 6 pm to 8 pm, there’s live music, free snacks and happy hour prices. The events, thus far, have been well attended. Ganymede is located on the middle soi of Jomtien Complex. Due to roadwork on Thappraya Road, you may have to enter on the Dick’s Café soi. By the way, all of the many Jomtien Complex bars, restaurants, cabarets and massage venues remain open despite the never ending roadwork going on in front of two of the three entrances to the Complex.

18 March (Friday) until 20 March (Sunday): At the same time as the Music Festival (above), the Pattaya Dog Show Festival 2011 will take place at the Pattaya Indoor Stadium in Jomtien. Co-sponsored by the Tourism Authority of Thailand (TAT) and Pattaya City Hall with support from the Kennel Club of Thailand. The festival will feature around 900 dogs from all over

Thailand (some of them with pedigrees) who will compete to become the best of breed. Judges from Canada, Thailand, United Kingdom and South Africa will scrutinize the dogs. For more information on the event and for details on how to register please log on to http:// www.kcthailand.org/

Not quite best of breed


16 - 31 March 2011 Issue 12

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THAI Lite The Nerdwell Rapid-Deployment Plan for Women By S. Tsow

My friend Fardley Nerdwell has conceived a solution for one of the greatest problems ever to vex the mind of man. He expounded it to me just the other day: Fardley: I have devised a rapiddeployment plan for women. Me: Let’s hear it. Fardley: Every man has suffered from women’s dilatory habits in preparing to go out. It doesn’t matter what the occasion is. The male of the species will quickly throw on a shirt and trousers and be ready to go in an instant. The woman, on the other hand, has to primp. First she has to bathe. And then she must wash her hair. Not only is shampoo required, but a veritable battalion of lotions, gels, and hair conditioners. Me: That’s true. In my experience, the whole business takes the average Thai woman at least 45 minutes. Fardley: She then has to dry her hair, which takes another 15 minutes. But are we finished? Heavens, no. She must arrange her hair,

coiffing and combing it into an infinitude of possible styles. Then she must make up her face. Applying the requisite cosmetics will take at least another half hour. Me: You’re too optimistic. Make that 45 minutes. Fardley: And then she has to choose apparel suitable to the occasion. Opening her closet, whose contents would shame Imelda Marcos by their abundance, variety, and scope, she will spend 20 minutes deciding on the appropriate garment. Me: And shoes. Don’t forget the shoes. Fardley: And her purse, which she must select from the warehouseful she has accumulated. In all, I calculate that it takes the average Thai woman approximately three hours to get ready to go out. In the meantime, the man is downstairs, impatiently frowning at his watch, sighing, grumbling, tapping his foot, and slowly perishing from frustration. Me: You know, Fardley, when

you first met Noy, she was a simple upcountry girl who would throw on a frock, jump into her flip-flops, and be ready to go in a minute. Fardley: That was then. Now is now. Noy has since discovered an entire universe of clothing, cosmetics, and accessories undreamed of when she was a simple farm girl. This process has been facilitated by watching commercials on TV and by her association with other Thai women skilled in preying upon men. With every discovery she has made in the realm of personal adornment, the impact on my wallet has been catastrophic, and the length of time it takes us to leave the house has escalated exponentially. But to counter this horror, I have now come up with a rapiddeployment plan. Me: Which is? Fardley: The man must establish a deadline for the woman to complete her beautification procedures. I’d begin by limiting her to 30 minutes. As her skills improve, I would tighten that to 20 minutes—possibly even 15. Me: Ha! There isn’t a woman in the world who would be ready to go in 15 minutes. And you ignore one salient fact. It’s impossible to make a Thai woman do anything she doesn’t want to do. You may browbeat and cajole her; you may threaten, bluster, and storm; you may weep, beg, and implore—but she’ll never do it if she doesn’t want to. She may promise to do it in a duplicitous display of compliance; but she’ll always find a means of evasion. Fardley: Ah, but you overlook the

fiendishly clever means by which I propose to effect this miracle. I envisage a carrot-and-stick approach—a system of rewards and punishments that will transform the woman into a veritable whirlwind of preparatory activity. I’ll use a stopwatch to time her from the moment I say, “Noy, get ready, we’re going out” to the moment she steps out the door. For every five minutes she lops off her previous score, there will be a pecuniary reward of, say, 20 baht. Me (scornfully): No woman is going to rush her primping for a lousy 20 baht! She won’t even twitch for less than 50. Fardley (testily): The precise amount to be offered will be determined by extensive field-testing. And then, for every five minutes she tarries beyond her previous record, I’ll cut her monthly allowance by 100 baht. Me: Have you proposed this system to Noy yet? If so, I’m surprised you’re not sporting a black eye. Fardley: I’m working up to it. Eventually Fardley did propose his plan to Noy, and she rejected it with scorn. “I am trying to be beautifoo for you! You no want me to be beautifoo? You want me to be ugly?” Thus cowed, thus defeated, thus reduced to dust and ashes, Fardley had to back down. And so it will always be for any foolish man who has the temerity even to contemplate the rapid deployment of women. S. Tsow can be commended for his insight at s.tsow@ymail.com .

Where to find Pattaya One BEST supermarket, North Pattaya BIG C supermarkets, North and South Pattaya CARREFOUR supermarket, Central Pattaya Road FOODLAND supermarket, Central Pattaya Road FOODMART supermarket, Thappraya Road, Jomtien TOPS supermarket, Central Pattaya Road In front of KASIKORN BANK, Soi 3 Beach Road, Jomtien TESCO-LOTUS CONVENIENCE STORE, Soi Khao Talo NORTH PATTAYA BUS STATION, North Pattaya Road ASIA BOOKS/BOOKAZINE, (five locations: Carrefour, Royal Garden Plaza, Jomtien, Big C North Pattaya and Central Festival Center) SE-ED Bookshops (17 locations, including: Carrefour, Tukcom, and Tesco-Lotus) ASIA BOOKS, Suvarnabhumi International airport (seven outlets) Free on-line at: www.pattayaone.net (as a free download in PDF format) FREE (previous issue) with any NICK the PIZZA HOME DELIVERY order


18 Pattaya One

16 - 31 March 2011 Issue 12

Fun Town’s most vibrant

Thai Business Acquisition Consultants Co Ltd

‘The Company you can trust’ 245/142-3 Moo 9 Third Road, Central Pattaya, Nongprue, Banglamung, Chonburi 20150

Telephone: 087 283 5349

sven.tbac@gmail.com www.businessbrokersasia.com Businesses for Sale

In business to sell businesses Rest & Guesthouse THB 6.95 million

Massage Parlours THB 6.9 million Ref: 0372/SLN & 0373/SLN Two massage parlours, both located in high foot traffic areas of Central Pattaya. Each has Jaccuzi, Sauna, traditional Thai body and foot massage. Easy to manage and very profitable.

Ref: 0383/SLN Profitable business 6 - storey double shop house located on Jomtien Beach Road. Ground floor restaurant with 6 studio rental rooms, staff rooms and penthouse on upper floors. Rent THB 85,000 per month.

Bar & Guesthouse THB 7.95 million Ref: 0377/SLN Profitable business located in triple, 4 storey shop house in Central Pattaya. 3 businesses in one. Ground floor bar with16 rental rooms on the upper floors. Long lease with no Key Money.

Finance

available

Pub/Restaurant THB 11.75 million

Lounge Bar with Rooms THB 5.2 million

Bar/Rest/Rooms THB 20.95 million

Ref: 0326/SLN Profitable business, located on Soi Bua Khao. Large ground floor bar, kitchen & 3 en suite bedrooms. Sale price includes rent fully paid till August 2011. No key money.

Ref: 0356/SLN Large bar with external terrace Luxury Jacuzzi room, three additional guest rooms, large apartment & offices. Long lease - rent THB 60,000 per month. No Key Money

Ref: 0378/SLN Located in East Pattaya. Ground floor bar & restaurant with rooms above. Very profitable business. Sale price includes land & buildings.

Restaurant THB 1.35 Million

Beer Bar THB 2.5 million

Pub/Restaurant THB 15.5 million

Ref: 0384/SLN Delightful restaurant set in beautiful landscaped garden. Detached house located just off Thepprasit Road. Seating capacity for 40+ diners. Rent 26,000 baht per month.

Ref: 0387/SLN Profitable beer bar with seating for 70+ customers located in Soi just off Walking Street in the heart of the night life action.

Ref: 0362/SLN Located in East Pattaya. Sought-after English style pub and restaurant. 3 bedrooms all en suite. Sale price includes land and building.

0313/SLN – Bar with Rooms 4 storey single shop house located in busy soi just off Beach Road, Central Pattaya. Ground floor bar with 5 rental rooms on the upper floors. Rent only 9,000 baht per month. Key Money has been paid till March 2012. Sale Price: 1.65 million baht 0319/SLN – Bar with Rooms 4 storey single shop house located in Jomtien. Ground floor bar, with 4 rental rooms & large apartment on upper floors. Long lease available. Key Money paid till January 2013. Rent 25,000 baht per month. Sale Price: 1.65 million baht Freehold also available for an additional 6 million baht 0331/SLN – Bar with Rooms 4 storey single – end unit located on Thappraya Road between Pattaya and

Finance

available

Jomtien Beach. Ground floor bar with 2 rooms & 2 large apartments on upper floors. Profitable business. Sale Price: 2.75 million baht 0320/SLN – Bar with Rooms 4 storey single shop house, located in busy ‘night life’ area of Jomtien. Ground floor bar, with kitchen facilities and 4 rooms on the upper floors. Rent 30,000 baht per month and No Key Money. Sale Price: 2.65 million baht 0284/SLN – Bar with Rooms 3 storey double shop house, located in the heart of the ‘night life’ action on Soi 6. Ground floor bar with 6 rooms and a large apartment on upper floors. The bar was totally refurbished in February 2010. Rent 30,000 baht per month and Key Money has been fully paid till Dec. 2011 Sale Price: 3.65 million baht

0380/SLN – Apartment Block 2 storey, 20 rental rooms apartment block located in East Pattaya. Currently rooms are rented to Thai citizens. Included in sale price is the land and buildings. Sale Price: 4.9 million baht

business is earning good profits which the current owner can verify. Included in the sale price is the land and buildings. Good investment opportunity. Sale Price: 29.9 million baht

0382/SLN – Sports Club Located in central Pattaya. Club house and sport facilities. Low rent and No Key Money. Profitable business and comes with a Limited Company enabling any potential foreign buyer to apply for a work permit. Sale Price: 6.9 million baht

0352/SLN – Gentlemans Club with residence.Private house on corner plot, very close to Soi Country Club road with access to communal swimming pool. Ground floor lounge, kitchen and bar. 3 bedrooms on upper floor. Sale price includes building and land in Foreign ownership with company. Sale Price: 7 million

0247/SLN – Pub & Restaurant. Located in South Pattaya. On the ground floor is an English style pub and restaurant with a swimming pool and office. On the upper floors are 12 rental rooms and a laundry room The

0371/SLN - Mini Mart Profitable Mini Mart. Exclusively located on the ground floor of an apartment block in south Pattaya. Rent only THB 10,000 per month. Ideal business for wife or girlfriend. Sale Price: 1.25 million baht


16 - 31 March 2011 Issue 12

Fun Townâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s most vibrant

Pattaya One 19


20 Pattaya One

MONDAY QUIZ LEAGUE

28 February 2011 email: quizpattaya@hotmail.com 10 Jan 17 Jan 24 Jan 31 Jan 07 Feb 14 Feb 21 Feb 28 Feb Total Total Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Sc. Pts Score Points B/F

1 BOWLING GREEN 2 PALMERS 3 CHEERS 4 OFFSHORE BAR 5 THE LONDONER 6 RISING SUN 7 NOM'S BAR 8 NERVOUS WRECK 9 W. TANKIE 10 LEGENDS

16 - 31 March 2011 Issue 12

Fun Town’s most vibrant

833 838 803 764 743 751 729 718 667 537

101 103 88 65 56 59 48 47 31 12

86 84 86 76 76 76 74 86 76 74

Percentage correct by round this Geog. week. 64.3%

12 7 12 6 6 6 2 12 6 2

70 68 66 77 71 74 67 68 53 52

Sport

7 6 3 12 8 10 4 6 2 1

84 73 82 80 78 72 83 67 69 43

12 5 8 7 6 4 10 2 3 1

74 74 80 82 82 66 82 72 64 56

6 6 7 12 12 3 12 4 2 1

76 75 74 79 62 65 70 55 49 54

10 8 7 12 4 5 6 3 1 2

88 83 80 81 81 87 81 78 83 53

12 8 3 6 6 10 6 2 8 1

68 63 72 74 59 64 59 65 48 42

History Movies Science Reading General

8 5 10 12 4 6 4 7 2 1

61 74 78 56 65 58 60 48 54 31 All

57.1% 44.3% 64.3% 68.6% 55.0% 56.3% 58.5%

7 10 12 4 8 5 6 2 3 1

1440 1432 1421 1369 1317 1313 1305 1257 1163 942

175 158 150 136 110 108 98 85 58 22

Average Team Total: 58.5

R1Q5: Q: Which EU country flag has a coat of arms with a hammer and a sickle on it? A: Austria. Bowling Green appealed for Slovakia and Nom's for Bulgaria. Neither of those countries, sport a hammer and a sickle on their flag. While it is true that the national flag of Austria does not have a hammer and a sickle, the state flag of Austria includes the coat of arms, which does have a hammer and a sickle. Appeals denied. R2Q3: Q: In which football competition is the Henri Delaunay trophy awarded? A: UEFA Championship. Bowling Green and Nervous Wreck appealed for European Nations Cup. The official title of the competition is the UEFA European Football Championship, but up until 1968 it was called the UEFA European Nations Cup. As it is the same competition, I will allow the answer. Two points to the teams mentioned. R2Q4: Q: In American Football, where would you find the Orange Bowl? A: Miami. Rising Sun appealed for Florida. As the question did not say precisely or indicate that a town was needed, I will accept Florida. Two points to The Rising Sun. R3Q2: Q: Which British PM succeeded in climbing 108 of the 277 Scottish Munros prior to his untimely death? A: John Smith. Several teams complained that Smith was never PM. This is quite true, so the question will have to be voided. Two points deducted from Palmers and Legends. R3Q6: Q: In mythology, who was the judge of the divine beauty contest won by Venus? A: Paris. Bowling Green (who put Poseidon) complained that Paris was not a god. True, he was a mortal, but the question does not state he was a god, and he was indeed chosen by Zeus to judge the beauty contest between Hera, Athena and Aphrodite/Venus. Appeal denied. R5Q5: Q: The epiglottis performs what function in the human body? A: Prevents food from entering windpipe. Nom's appealed for "Swallow", Rising Sun for "Swallowing Food" and Offshore for "Stop food going into lungs - stop choking". Nom's and Rising Sun's answers are too vague, but I will allow Offshore's as the windpipe leads to the lungs. R5Q6: Q: Where would you come across a bitt (spelt with two Ts)? A: On a ship or a wharf. W. Tankie appealed for Horse's Mouth. From Wikipedia: Bitt or bitts – A post or pair mounted on the ship's bow, for fastening ropes or cables. A bit in a horse's mouth is spelt with only one T. Appeal denied. Congratulations to The Bowling Green, winning this season's Monday Quiz League by a substantial margin!

sudoku answers

Next week's matches 14th March 2011: Legends vs. Cheers, Nom's vs. W. Tankie, Offshore vs. Londoner, Palmers vs. Nervous Wreck, Rising Sun vs. Bowling Green.

WEDNESDAY QUIZ LEAGUE

Results for 2nd March 2011

05 Jan 12 Jan 19 Jan 26 Jan 02 Feb 09 Feb 16 Feb 23 Feb 02 Mar 09 Mar Total

1 SHAGWELL MANSION 2 RISING SUN 3 PALMERS 4 BOWLING GREEN 5 OFFSHORE 6 CHEERS 7 THE LONDONER 8 W. TANKIE 9 NERVOUS WRECK 10 QUEEN VICTORIA 11 THE BUNKER

3 2 2 2 1 3 2 3 3 1 1

3 3 1 3 3 2 3 1 2 1 1

3 3 3 1 3 3 1 1 1 1 3

Email: quizpattaya@hotmail.com

1 3 3 3 3 3 1 3 1 1 1 106 98 100 86 102 W

3 1 3 3 3 1 3 1 1 3 1

3 3 3 1 1 3 1 3 3 1 1 HOME Bowling Green The Bunker Cheers The Londoner Palmers Rising Sun

3 3 3 3 3 1 3 1 1 1 1

3 2 1 3 2 1 3 3 3 1 1

3 3 3 3 3 3 1 1 1 1 1

25 23 22 22 22 20 18 17 16 11 11

AWAY Nervous Wreck Offshore W. Tankie Shagwell Mansion Queen Victoria Bye

96 102 82 108 68 L

R7Q8 [Picture of Jerry Springer] A: Jerry Springfield (!). Obviously a typo, and Offshore, The Bunker and Palmers were all marked incorrect for their correct answers of Jerry Springer. Two points to all three.

The results sheets for the match between The Bunker and The Bowling Green eventually turned up. Revised scores reflected above. Next week's matches March 16th 2011: Bunker vs. Cheers, Offshore vs. Bowling Green, Rising Sun vs. Londoner, Shagwell vs. Nervous Wreck, W. Tankie vs. Palmers, Queen Victoria bye.

MONDAY QUIZ LEAGUE FIXTURE LIST 7 March 2011 Bowling Green Nom's Bar Cheers W. Tankie The Londoner Legends Nervous Wreck Rising Sun Offshore Palmers

14 March 2011 Legends Cheers Nom's Bar W. Tankie Offshore The Londoner Palmers Nervous Wreck Rising Sun Bowling Green

21 March 2011 Cheers Offshore The Londoner Nervous Wreck Nom's Bar Legends Palmers Rising Sun W. Tankie Bowling Green

28 March 2011 Bowling Green Palmers Legends W. Tankie The Londoner Rising Sun Nervous Wreck Cheers Offshore Nom's Bar

4 April 2011 Legends Bowling Green Nom's Bar Nervous Wreck Palmers The Londoner Rising Sun Cheers W. Tankie Offshore

25 April 2011 Cheers Palmers The Londoner Bowling Green Nervous Wreck W. Tankie Offshore Legends Rising Sun Nom's Bar

9 May 2011 Bowling Green Cheers Nom's Bar The Londoner Offshore Nervous Wreck Palmers W. Tankie Rising Sun Legends

16 May 2011 Cheers Nom's Bar Legends Palmers Nervous Wreck Bowling Green Rising Sun Offshore W. Tankie The Londoner

23 May 2011 Legends The Londoner Nom's Bar Bowling Green Palmers Offshore Rising Sun Nervous Wreck W. Tankie Cheers

30 May 2011 Bowling Green Rising Sun Cheers Legends The Londoner Offshore Nervous Wreck Palmers W. Tankie Nom's Bar

6 June 2011 Bowling Green W. Tankie Legends Nom's Bar Nervous Wreck The Londoner Offshore Cheers Rising Sun Palmers

13 June 2011 Cheers Nervous Wreck Nom's Bar Offshore Palmers Bowling Green Rising Sun The Londoner W. Tankie Legends

20 June 2011 Bowling Green Legends Cheers Rising Sun The Londoner Palmers Nervous Wreck Nom's Bar Offshore W. Tankie

27 June 2011 Bowling Green The Londoner Legends Offshore Nom's Bar Rising Sun Palmers Cheers W. Tankie Nervous Wreck

11 July 2011 Cheers Bowling Green Legends Rising Sun The Londoner Nom's Bar Nervous Wreck Offshore W. Tankie Palmers

18 July 2011 Bowling Green Nervous Wreck The Londoner W. Tankie Nom's Bar Cheers Offshore Rising Sun Palmers Legends

2 May 2011 Bowling Green Offshore Legends Nervous Wreck The Londoner Cheers Nom's Bar Palmers W. Tankie Rising Sun

4 July 2011 Cheers The Londoner Nervous Wreck Legends Offshore Bowling Green Palmers Nom's Bar Rising Sun W. Tankie

Quiz cancelled 11th &18th April - Songkran Any other cancellations to be played at the end of the season. Fixture list printed: 8 March 2011


16 - 31 March 2011 Issue 12

Fun Town’s most vibrant

Pattaya One 21

Not So Silly The human race is the ultimate dysfunctional family and, as a casual observer, nothing we do surprises me anymore. I live in hope that Darwin was correct and eventually Natural Selection will weed out all the really stupid ones leaving us with, well, those not so silly. We are all capable of silliness from time to time but it is mostly benign and leaves us with amusing anecdotes to be shared over a cold beer or two. To be honest, that is how I get great material for the stories I write. But sometimes we can be wrong in our initial assessment of a situation; especially when we are not aware of all the facts. Take, for instance, my good friend Gary (not his real name). I have known him for almost ten years and he has always been an invaluable source of amusing stories. Back in 2006 I wrote: “He has owned more mobile phones than all the bar girls in Soi 8 combined, and his friends with telephone directories need to keep two pages devoted just to him. He keeps losing them but, unlike the female mobile phone consumers in town, he doesn’t have a stable of paramours keeping up his supply. He has to buy them himself and if he had done that with an airline-linked credit card he would have enough

frequent flyer miles to circle the globe three times.” Recently I ran into Gary again and we had a good session at my local watering hole catching up and reminiscing about old times. During the conversation I mentioned the ongoing joke about his mobile phone silliness, wondering if his losing streak was continuing. His answer was “not so much”, but then he confided something which completely changed my point of view. Gary likes the ladies and for all the years I’ve known him his happy hunting ground for female companionship has been Beach Road. (To the uninitiated, this is not a good idea for so many reasons which I will not get into now.) After a late evening of socializing with his friends, he

would head back to his hotel room or apartment by way of Beach Road and keep a watchful eye out to select a companion for the night. The idea was for her to keep him company until the following morning or afternoon depending on when they woke up. And yes, in the beginning there were problems. He is not a miser or Cheap Charlie as such; he just wants value for the money he spends. He knew the going beach rate and it would take exceptional circumstances for him to pay a lady more than that figure. Unfortunately, some of his overnight companions did not agree. While he slept, they took matters into their own hands and stole whatever they found of value then quietly left before he woke up. Most often, they stole his mobile phone. At the time, he used to wear a four baht gold chain around his neck but he would sensibly lock it away in his safe, along with his wallet, before heading to bed. (He has since sold the chain, taking advantage of the exceptionally high price of gold.) On the occasions he woke up to find the lady gone, he would count the cost. Sure he got out of paying her the cash compensation but the value of the items stolen always exceeded that figure. These girls were not stupid. You could say his plans were not going well, but that all changed one day while he was browsing through a busy Thai market. He noticed a vendor selling secondhand phones and saw an opportunity. The phones looked good but were mostly older

models. The vendor confessed that some of the newer models were broken, in that a few of the functions did not work, however you could still make and receive phone calls. “So what if I can’t get on the Internet?” thought Gary. He negotiated with the vendor and bought several phones for 300 baht each. On the way out of the market he noticed a jewelry stall. Displayed on the counter were several gold chains, all fakes, which looked identical to the real one he wore. The pattern was the same and they were very similar in weight but he guessed the gold plating would have been only about one micron thick. After some bargaining he bought four of them for 80 baht a piece. Some nights later he went out on the prowl along Beach Road again and began chatting with a suitable companion. He noted her interest in the chain around his neck, the real one, and he remembered her eyes lighting up. She must have been eager to pluck this prize pigeon because she agreed to his initial financial offer. Back at his apartment, Gary switched the gold chain with one of the fakes while she was showering, leaving the real chain and his wallet in his safe as usual. Just before turning off the lights and getting down to business, he made a fuss about taking off the chain and placing it beside his newly-acquired phone on the bedside table. Sure enough, when he woke he was alone and the phone and chain were gone. Total cost, including a 100 baht replacement SIM card: 480 baht. I was in awe of this master of carnal skullduggery who had beaten the ladies at their own game. He said he did this many times and was always on the lookout for cheap phones and fake chains. In the time it takes to down a cold beer my opinion of Gary went from being that of a ‘silly tosser’ to a ‘calculating genius’. But the punch line was yet to come. He laughed when he recalled that, after one of the last occasions, a friend of his received a quick phone call from Gary’s telephone. An obviously distressed female screamed, “Tell Gary his chain is a copy!” before hanging up.


22 Pattaya One

Fun Town’s most vibrant

Our Man in

By Duncan Stearn

Pattaya

Give Me Your Tired, Your Poor…the Wretched Refuse of Your Teeming Shore Under the definition and description of ‘pheromone’ in my dictionary is the following: ‘Mammals regularly mark their territorial boundaries with pheromones from specialised glands. These odours can be detected at great distances and can alter behaviour dramatically.’ (my italics) The reason I make note of the above is I have never been able to work out why every raving twit, escaped loony or seriously disturbed ratbag within shouting distance wants to come and talk to me and embrace me like a prized member of their dysfunctional family. A scientist would probably suggest my pheromones are sending the sorts of signals that cause crazies to alter behaviour dramatically. A New Age therapist would probably claim my aura, which can only be visible to the clinically insane and paralytically drunk, is sending out the right sort of celestial vibrations. All I ever wanted to be was a chick magnet. Instead, it seems that when the charismatic genes were being doled out, they scraped the bottom of the pond and smeared me with a substance that attracts anything and everything else apart from the best looking babes in the world. If she’s got one glass eye and is no taller than a circus midget, you can bet she’ll latch onto me. If she was last employed as the ‘before’ photo in a Weight Watchers advertisement, you can lay odds she’ll want to come and sit on my lap, or worse. To illustrate what I mean consider the following true story. I was sitting, quietly watching the madding crowd on Walking Street, sipping a few tumblers containing moderate amounts of happy liquid when a dark shadow suddenly obscured my vision. A big man, not tall, but wide and solid, he was sporting a beard and the sort of grin only worn by people who’ve consumed a significant quantity of potentially flammable booze. I figured him to have been a wrestler at some point in his youth. Not the Hulk Hogan I-eat-children-for-breakfast type; this guy was more your run-of-themill Greco-Roman grab you by the crotch and let me squeeze your testicles until your eyes pop style. He stopped, looked me in the eyes, grinned (I think it was a grin; he may just have been clearing the excess air in his bowels) and said:

“Yitzhak rubbniov potwolimorv. Gweshnerky lubitorkrov notchyarky.” Well, that’s what it sounded like. OK, I thought, in his tanked-up state he’s mistaken me for one of his drinking buddies. “Whertisnik bolnius yovgratskik, lelechopnor vusial.” I smiled (mistake number one) and then in my best classroom English said: “I don’t understand what you’re saying.” Did this discourage him? No way. Speaking a little more slowly and clearly he said something like: “Yer tiz norp rakne notchy rubnitznoid.” Then he grabbed me and gave me a hug. I fervently hoped he hadn’t just proposed marriage. Pointing to myself I said, “Australia”. I figured that even in his inebriated state it would register I didn’t speak ancient Greek or latenight European drunk. Instead he ploughed on regardless, although in his next sentence (if that’s what it was) he did use the word “Rooshia”. It has been said, supposedly by some octogenarian upper-class English lady, that “Anyone can understand English if it is spoken slowly and clearly.” This Russian clearly held a similar belief about his own tortured tongue. Maybe he thought I was also heavily inebriated and we shared the camaraderie of drunks everywhere; it’s not the words that matter, just have another tumbler of vodka. I haven’t mentioned my American friend. When the Great Russian Bear made his appearance, my friend stood up and moved away. Not so far away as to be no longer in the same postcode, but far enough away so the Great Russian Bear was oblivious to his existence. In fairness, I think the Bear was oblivious to anything not within hugging distance. My American friend later claimed he was adhering to George Washington’s famous dictum to ‘avoid entangling alliances.’ Rather than take the chance the Great Russian Bear was going to give a first-hand demonstration of alcoholically-charged Greco-Roman wrestling we paid our bill and scurried off into the night. I think the Great Russian Bear was attempting to order a bottle of vodka to go from a perplexed serving girl. He may, of course, have been proposing marriage.

16 - 31 March 2011 Issue 12


N ghtmarch By Duncan Stearn

After six and a half years of operations the Heaven Above go-go (Soi Diamond) continues to be one of the better places around town. I hate the music, and pretty much always have, but apart from the auditory assault the joint has a collection of some Grade A wallet emptiers. It’s usually reasonably busy and the eye-level stage is generally packed to the gunwales with pulchritude. They dance -well, shuffle in most cases- in groups before alighting en masse to allow the next crew to clamber aboard. It has a good party atmosphere with its mixture of dancers, show girls and hostesses. Don’t expect a hands-on experience in here, just appreciate the eye candy. From chatting with various people around town I notice Heaven Above is not to everyone’s taste, but it’s amazing how many newer places have copied its design and décor, a sure sign of peer recognition of its innovative nature. Pick a stool, any stool: As regular readers would be well aware, I’m not much into propping up a bar stool at any one of the hundreds of outside beer boozers in Fun Town. Recently, I went with a mate to an arranged afternoon meeting with a mutual acquaintance, which took place at Jane’s bar, which is one of a screed of boozers stretching from Second Road (opposite Soi 8) and back as far as Soi Buakhow. Jane’s Bar serves bottled Tiger amber for just 40 baht and has the added attraction of a pool table (free for customers) and a big-screen TV which shows music videos from as far back as the 1950’s (think Everly Brothers). A sign on the fridge promoting Asahi beer reads, ‘No sugar, no fat, no hang’. Obviously not the beer to drink if you’re thinking about topping yourself using a rope. One regular told me Micky’s (an English joint) had the cheapest amber fluid at just 35 baht a bottle. He said most of the other places were charging 55 baht a bottle but, of course, they weren’t getting any customers and have been forced to reduce their prices in order to compete. He also noted that a few places have been bought up by Indians (the sub-continent variety, not the ones with bows and arrows), perhaps hoping to cater to the increasing numbers of their brethren now coming to Pattaya. Kiss me Hardy: As mentioned in a previous column, the Kiss go-go

Email: duncan@pattayaone.net

in Soi LK Metro, is clean and fresh and well appointed with a good sound system and great music. The main problem they have to overcome is the lack of quality in the chrome pole molesting collective. Maybe over time they will be able to recruit a few more ladies who don’t use McDonald’s as their home away from home. Happy hour runs between 7:00 and 9:00pm and the joint is open until 3:00am. Standard draft amber fluid is 55 baht all night while lady drinks are 100 baht. The winners are: The most recent round of the Monday night quiz league resulted in a maiden victory for the team who play for the Bowling Green boozer, noshery and sports house on Soi X-Zyte. Congratulations to all involved as Bowling Green had the race won with a couple of games still to play. The Monday night quiz league consists of 10 bars who play a home and away series over an 18-week period, so in any given year there are almost three potential winning sides. There’s no money involved, but plenty of bragging rights, at least until the end of the next series. The most expensive shot in town: A narrow almost non-descript boozer in Soi 6 is probably home to the most expensive alcoholic drink in Fun Town. The Clansmen has a range of Scotch whiskies and while the average libation is pretty much the standard impost of the bars in the soi, one shot from one of the Scotch bottles retails at 8,500 baht. The booze in question happens to be a bottle of limited edition old malt Scotch whisky, which was worth plenty unopened. At least two shots from the bottle have been sold, at 8,500 baht a pop. There are other less expensive whiskies in the place, but even these can go for a few thousand baht per shot due to the exclusivity and rarity. There are even young ladies willing to empty

One

Once more into the breach, dear friends: Not sure if the damn thing will still be open by the time the ink on these pages is dry from the printing presses, but Sakura Club 69 go-go (Soi 15, off Walking Street) re-opened yet again in the middle of February. Might as well put a revolving door out front for the numbers of times this place opens and closes. Plenty of dancers making sure not to wear too much and draft amber froth is 55 baht. Let’s see if the place can stay open longer than a month or two this time around. No Hot Lips in here: The sign outside suggests it’s a go-go bar, but the MASH den on Soi LK Metro, which opened with some fanfare late in February, is more of the coyote version, or at least an overdressed dancing den. The sign out front is dyslexic in the sense that if you happen to be walking around from the Soi Buakhow entrance to Soi LK Metro you see a sign that looks like ‘HSAM’. The door girls and serving wenches are neatly decked out in camouflage, but the main attractions, namely, the dancers, have no theme other than too much in the way of apparel…and it isn’t to cover war wounds. Thankfully, there weren’t any Corporal Klinger’s lurking in the shadows in pleated skirts and a three-day growth. The den is nicely appointed but the theme needs work. More, more, more Mr Thomas: The Utopia go-go, way down in Soho Square on Walking Street, is yet another joint to re-open its doors, also in late February. There must have been something in the water a couple of months ago that’s made so many people shell out the baht to start dancing dens right at the back end of high season. Maybe a whole crew of potential bar owners went to a mass feng shui night and became convinced the Year of the Rabbit would be the perfect hopping off point into future riches. The Russians are going: The upstairs dancing den Polo has now returned to being a Thai go-go and show bar. After operating with East European wallet emptiers -don’t even ask about the work permitsfor about 14 months it may well be that either the customers weren’t showing up in the right numbers or possibly the management decided the salaries they had to pay the white-skinned fleecers as well as the no-doubt significant funds being diverted into the accounts of men in brown uniforms meant the bottom line wasn’t worth the effort. Whatever the reasons, the dancing girls are now very much of the brown-skinned homegrown variety, but whether this will be enough to draw customers back into the joint is yet to be seen. A stage full of earthly delights:

Pattaya One 23

Fun Town’s most vibrant

Pattaya

16 - 31 March 2011 Issue 12

your wallet in the more traditional manner of engaging in horizontal mattress dancing. What’s in a name? The Sky Drugs pharmacy on Soi 6 seems perfectly named, as this is surely a street where the workers and the punters intend to get as high as possible, and not just by climbing the stairs to the lying-in facilities. Nibble my nuts: Up on Soi Kow Noi on the Dark Side, the former Cock Inn has changed its name to Nobby’s; it certainly looks like a knobbing shop, with dark doors now across the main entrance. A Jolly good feed: After numerous recommendations, a mate and I decided to try the fairly new Jolly Friar noshery on Soi Lengkee. People had said this joint served up excellent fish and chips. The ‘mail’ was spot on. We had ours done in bread crumbs rather than the beer batter and it was a superb example of something dragged squirming on the end of a fishing line from the Gulf of Thailand. I had the small portion of chunky chips to go with the fish and was struggling to get through the meal. The place looks clean and fresh and was very busy on the Sunday night we tried it. The only negatives were that the staff had all the charm of an undertaker on sleeping pills and customers should probably stick to the house specialty, namely fish and chips. A bloke at another table ordered steak and kidney and basically sent it back half eaten. I am hardly a gourmand, but I do know the difference between a good meal and a bad one and, for the quality and value for money, the Jolly Friar (open from midday until 2:00am, seven days a week) is about the best fish and chips I’ve had in Fun Town. Piece of Pith: The language most women talk is written on your credit card (Sir Les Patterson, Barry Humphries’ alter ego)

Sales Marketing Manager We are looking for a hard-working, enthusiastic Thai national preferably with marketing skills and a good command of English, to sell advertising for the paper, on a mixed commission/salary basis. Please contact marketing@pattayaone.net or call Howard on 087 747 8555 for more information. หนังสือพิมพ์พัทยาวัน รับสมัครผู้จัดการฝ่ายการตลาด wมีความกระตือรือร้น wสัญชาติไทย wมีประสบการณ์ด้านการตลาดจะพิจารณาเป็นพิเศษ wขายสื่อโฆษณาของหนังสือพิมพ์ wสามารถสื่อสารภาษาอังกฤษได้ wมีเงินเดือนและคอมมิชชั่น สนใจติดต่อและสมัครงานด้วยตัวเองได้ที่

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24 Pattaya One

Fun Town’s most vibrant

16 - 31 March 2011 Issue 12

Travel Thailand & beyond Kampong Baru, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia “We haven’t had malaria here for many years, but it’s come back because of the illegal’s,” he claimed, without any hint of rancour. Jaiyos explained this is because they don’t keep their residences and environs clean and mosquitoes are able to breed. The couple have lived in this house for 30 years and his wife said, “The question is how much compensation the government will pay to house owners and also where we will be re-housed. This area is so close to everything and so easy to get around.” Of course after three

By Duncan Stearn While Kuala Lumpur (KL) is quite rightly viewed as a city of tall buildings, with the 452-metre high Petronas Twin Towers the most famous and visible example of Malaysian modernisation, an area known as Kampong Baru harks back to a simpler era. Situated with what could easily be described as a banana roti’s throw from the Petronas Towers, Kampong Baru sits on some extremely valuable real estate. Unlike surrounding areas its residents have resisted the concrete tidal wave of development that has overtaken much of the Malaysian capital. It is also an exclusively Muslim Malay area. With the central government now taking a closer interest in the area, a proposed redevelopment plan is taking shape, which will, in all likelihood, result in Kampong Baru being turned into yet another high-rise satellite suburb of KL. With this in mind I decided 2011 was a good time to take a wander through the area knowing with some certainty it won’t look like this in a few years time. After alighting at the Kampong Baru train station I plunged into the narrow lanes (called ‘lorongs’) and simply strolled around checking out the houses, a bit like a housebreaker casing an area to rob. The houses range from tiny, rundown shacks to small but neatly kept residences to bigger places on sizable plots. One aspect of Malaysia that has always impressed me is the general friendliness of the people, especially the native Malays. This friendliness manifested itself in a most unexpected but welcome

A quaint dwelling

Kampung Baru in the shadows of the Petronas Twin Towers way while I was strolling through Kampong Baru. I was certainly the only white-skinned foreigner wandering about the area and I imagine this is a bit of a rarity as Kampong Baru is hardly a tourist attraction. I was briefly engaged in conversation by one local man and then another, older man came along. After the first man bid his goodbye, the second man asked, “Where are you from?” After telling him I was originally from Australia, he then asked, “Are you alone?” When I said I was he then kindly asked me, “If you have time I would like to invite you to my home for lunch.” I accepted his offer and we began the short walk to his residence. His name was Jaiyos and he was on his way back home from Friday prayers at the local mosque. When we reached his residence I was amazed at its size. A piano stood in one corner of the lounge room alongside comfortable sofas, chairs, and tables. The kitchen was sizable as well. Jaiyos introduced me to his delightful wife, who, when she found out I was Australian, looked knowingly, and said, “Ah, my husband is fond of Australia.” Over a delicious lunch consisting of chicken soup, compacted rice, lentils, and roast potatoes, Jaiyos told me he had spent five years -from 1962 until 1967- studying for a business degree in Australia under the auspices of the Colombo Plan. This was an Australian government initiative started in 1950 to provide educational training for south Asian students. They would spend some

time in Australia before returning to their homelands to further improve educational standards in their own countries. Jaiyos told me about the cultural and language differences he encountered when he first went to Australia, a country he has visited

Jaiyos and one his 12 grandchildren

A local restaurant many times since. “When I first asked for a coffee the person asked me, ‘black or white?’ I couldn’t understand because coffee is just black. Then I realised they meant did I want it with milk.” He continued, “People would say to me, ‘to die’. I thought, what do you mean I come here ‘to die’. I realised it was the inflection or the accent and they were saying had I come here ‘today’.” When I expressed some surprise that the government wanted to redevelop Kampong Baru, with the possibility that so many dwellings might disappear under the wrecker’s ball and be redeveloped as skyscrapers, Jaiyos explained the area housed quite a large number of illegal immigrants, most of them from Indonesia.

decades the house is more than just bricks and mortar, but a treasure trove of memories. Jaiyos and his wife have six children: two sons and four daughters. The eldest son is a pilot with Malaysian Airlines while the youngest daughter, aged 18, will be going to university in the mid-West of the United States to study psychology. The couple also have 12 grandchildren, one of whom, aged just 15 months, was visiting while I was there. He and his wife have visited Pattaya, recalling the “transvestite show” at Alcazar. Being a keen golfer, Jaiyos has spent some time playing the game in Thailand, but admits he doesn’t know the country all that well. “I spend my time going from the hotel to the golf course, and back.” After such a pleasant and unexpected interlude I resumed my explorations of Kampong Baru with a different view, but still hoping that when redevelopment does engulf the area at least some of its charm and character will remain as a reminder of a kinder, gentler past.

Published and Edited by Singhanart Rullapak for Napasingh 108 Co. Ltd., 353/62 M.9, Nongprue, Banglamung, Chonburi 20150. Printed by Pattaya Printing Solutions, Jomtien, Nongprue, Banglamung.


Pattaya One Issue 12