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SUPPORTING PARENTS THROUGH THE EARLY YEARS
OCTOBER 2016 – NOVEMBER 2016
Loving tactile touch helps babies develop
Parenting is a ‘learn as you go' job
Our egg donor changed our lives
Making it work Parenting after separation
It’s back to work we go... Re-entering the workforce post baby
The magazine of Parents Centres New Zealand Inc
Parenting tips • Childbirth • Dad's Blog • Breastfeeding • Lifestyle • Family health
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Great parents grow
great children Arm yourself with knowledge as you grow as a parent by taking part in one of the Parents Centres programmes that run nationwide. These fun and informative programmes aim to assist parents with the various ages and stages of their children, giving them the knowledge and skill sets to be effective. The programmes are well supported by volunteers within each Centre as well as invited speakers who are knowledgeable about a wide variety of topics. As well as providing antenatal classes, Parents Centres also offer core parent education classes which include:
Conscious Parenting – Parenting with Purpose
This programme encourages parents and caregivers to consciously look at parenting styles and to consider how some are more effective than others.
Conscious Parenting – Magic Moments
Learn how to use effective non-physical methods of discipline, and encourage parents and caregivers to build strong and caring relationships with their children, while still giving clear boundaries.
Music and Movement A fun, interactive, and developmentally stimulating programme for little ones and their parents or caregivers.
Tinies to Tots Discover more about your child as they transition to independent toddler – the course covers the introduction of play and how it stimulates learning, a focus on keeping your baby safe, introduction of new foods, prevention of tooth decay, and a whole lot more.
Return to Work
Developed to meet the specific needs of parents returning to paid employment, this programme is a practical guide covering topics like Early Childhood options, insurance and banking, breastfeeding, and tips for reviving your career. This programme is proudly supported by Porse and Au Pair Link. To find out more about the classes on offer in your area visit: www.parentscentre.org.nz
Baby and You Learn all about the exciting yet challenging early months of parenthood; feeding and sleeping, infant care and challenges, baby massage, and plenty more.
Moving and Munching This wide-ranging programme explores diverse topics like safety-proofing in the home, intellectual and social development, solids, healthy attitudes to food, and much more.
subscribe online at www.kiwiparent.co.nz –
Photo Credit: Shailie Photography, Wellington
The power of touch
Practical parenting ....................................................................... 1
Leigh Bredenkamp......................................................................... 8-12
20/20 hindsight Ben Tafau ......................................................................................14-17
Letters to the Editor ................................................................ 4-5 Product page ................................................................................ 6-7
When terror strikes close to home Lisa Beach .....................................................................................18-20
Get real! Jess Bovey .....................................................................................22-25
Au pairs – a vital part of the family ..................................21 Mums supporting mums Porse................................................................................................28-29
Family road trip .....................................................................26-27 Get that pregnancy glow .................................................. 36-38
Breastfeeding – working it out Lisa Manning ............................................................................... 30-33
Back to work post baby..................................................... 46-48 Feeling overwhelmed? Kerstin Kramar ............................................................................ 50-54
Families struggle to make ends meet
Jazz up an old favourite My Foodbag kitchen ..................................................................34-35
Parents Centre Pages........................................................... 39-43
Sandra Scott ................................................................................ 56-59
Making it work Maretta Twentyman..................................................................60-63
Find a Centre .................................................................................44 Winners ............................................................................................73
Squabbling siblings.............................................................. 64-65 Know yourself NZ Breast Cancer Foundation .................................................66-67
Partners pages .........................................................................74-75 Shopping Cart ........................................................................ 76-79
A gift beyond price Babyhope ......................................................................................68-72
kiwiparent – supporting kiwi parents through the early years
SUPPORTING PARENTS THROUGH THE EARLY YEARS
OCTOBER 2016 – NOVEMBER 2016
I have just had a work anniversary – twenty years ago I was appointed the editor of Kiwiparent! LinkedIn is very useful for reminding you about things like this – I would never have even realised if people hadn’t started congratulating me. Sometimes you are so busy with life you don’t notice milestones.
Get real! Remember, in the world of social media, people will more often than not only show you what they want you to see. Very few people share the true realities of their life. That ‘Instagram Mum’ who has all the nice things, those perfectly posed photos and the Pinterest-style house – she may appear to have the best of everything but that doesn’t mean she’s necessarily happy. Pages 22-25
20/20 hindsight Becoming a single dad was definitely a ‘learn as you go’ job for Ben Tafau, who had no previous experience to draw upon or any decent resources that could have prepared him for what lay ahead. He shares the top five things he wished he did when he became a single dad. Pages 14-17
Feeling overwhelmed? Although a range of emotions are very normal during pregnancy, it is important to seek additional support if you are excessively worried as long-term anxiety and increased stress hormone levels can get through to the baby. You might just be surprised how many other women – and men – experience the same sort of emotions as you do. Pages 50-54
Kiwiparent – Since 1954 the magazine of Parents Centres New Zealand Inc Editor
Leigh Bredenkamp Ph (04) 472 1193 Fax (04) 938 6242 Mobile (0274) 572 821 leighb@e–borne.co.nz PO Box 28 115, Kelburn, 6150
Editorial Enquiries Ph (04) 233 2022 or (04) 472 1193 info@e–borne.co.nz
Taslim Parsons Ph (04) 233 2022 x8804 Mobile 021 1860 323 email@example.com
Image Centre Group
Viv Gurrey, Chief Executive Officer, Parents Centres New Zealand Inc Ph (04) 233 2022 Opinions expressed in the magazine do not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of the publisher. Advertising in this magazine does not imply endorsement by Parents Centres. Generally material in this publication may be reproduced provided it is used for non-commercial purposes and the source is acknowledged. However, written permission must be sought from the editor. Kiwiparent is proud to support the WHO/UNICEF International Code of Marketing of Breastmilk Substitutes adopted by the World Health Assembly in 1981.
For two decades I have been tuned into parenting issues – firstly as a mum, then a grandmother, as well as an editor. To be honest, the issues confronting parents haven’t changed that much over the years. When my children were born, I attended coffee groups where we discussed things like how long to breastfeed and whether giving our baby a bottle meant we were bad parents. We worried about cot death and the impact of TV on childhood development. The next phase saw us venturing off to Playcentre and kindy – we fretted about leaving our children as they took their first tentative steps away from our loving protection. We discussed immunisation, preschool options and whether going back to work would be a good or bad thing for our families. All too soon there was that gut-wrenching first day of school – where had the preschool years gone? I joined school committees, started working part-time and wrestled with extracurricular activities – between music and sport commitments we were never home! Then I blinked and my children were children no longer – they were young adults starting to make their way in the world. School was finished and tertiary education took over. They were well and truly independent. Possibly the biggest change I have noticed when looking back to when I put together my first issue of Kiwiparent, is the rise and rise of the Internet. This has changed the parenting landscape in a thousand different ways. On the plus side, we have access to limitless amounts of information – when I was a new parent, you had to buy an (expensive) book which you shared around your friends. On the downside – we have access to limitless amounts of information and this can leave parents feeling overwhelmed by a tsunami of ‘useful’ advice which can become paralysing. Social media has exploded over the past decade and parents love it! Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter… there is no end to the ways we can keep in touch and share things about ourselves and our families. But this creates a new set of pressures and challenges – online bullying, trolling and pressure to conform to an idyllic view of parenthood. In my first issue of Kiwiparent I featured an article on returning to the workforce. This is still topical and is covered in the current issue. But we also carry an article from a very modern mum who writes about unrealistic portrayals of motherhood in social media.
I have loved my work over the past twenty years – I’ve met and worked with so many inspirational people and learned so much in the process. I do not think there is a more important job than raising children and it is a privilege to have contact with so many amazing parents.
subscribe online at www.kiwiparent.co.nz –
letters to the editor Congratulations to our top letter winner Suzy Kilpatrick who wins a Goat Skincare prize pack from Bio Oil.
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I was coming into work on the bus this morning – having received my first issue of Kiwiparent in the mail (am due with first baby in October). I opened it with low expectations – there is so much rubbish journalism mixed in with marketing and advertorials around, it’s often hard to sort out the useful advice from the rest of it! Anyway, I was so heartened and surprised to read the ‘Does natural always mean good?’ just inside the front cover (I think that’s a prime advertising spot?). I have always agreed with the content of this article but have never seen it spelt out so clearly. I then looked in vain to see who was flogging what product
Did you know? The United Nations has designated the first Monday of October every year as World Habitat Day. The purpose of World Habitat Day is to reflect on the state of our towns and cities, and on the basic right of all to adequate shelter. It is also intended to remind the world that we all have the power and the responsibility to shape the future of our cities and towns to make the world a better place for our children and future generations. www.un.org
or book in that article and was surprised and pleased not to see any other agenda… Just thought I would just let you know – I also thought your editorial was great as well as the first few articles about twins – great choice to feature a single mother too. I am looking forward to reading the rest of the magazine. Thanks for providing some quality writing and a balanced, sensible approach to what is a stressful time for many parents/parents-to-be – including myself!
Yo ur Circ w o le Gr
Babyshow better than ever!
It was great to see so many of you at the Auckland Babyshow. Huge thanks to our awesome volunteers for doing such a wonderful job working with us and making sure our stand was a popular place to visit. We were always busy and met so many fantastic people.
Taslim Parsons and Cath Short, Parents Centres New Zealand
ts f e n e of b h t l a e rs a w h othe
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Parents Centre New Zealand thanks the Southern Trust for their generous support of this issue of Kiwiparent. www.southerntrust.org.nz
line n o o ly g
Y EA R S
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kiwiparent â&#x20AC;&#x201C; supporting kiwi parents through the early years
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The power of
Photo credit: Lamington
kiwiparent â&#x20AC;&#x201C; supporting kiwi parents through the early years
For centuries, parents have instinctively known that touch works – pick up young children and they’ll stop crying, gently rub babies’ backs and they settle. Now scientists also recognise the power of touch – simple acts such as giving a backrub, holding hands, sharing a hug, or putting your arm around someone – has the power to assist healing.
In 1999, researchers measured how much affectionate touch preschoolers received from their parents on playgrounds and the level of aggressive behaviour they exhibited. They found the more gentle touches children received from their parents and peers, the less likely they were to be aggressive. Most parents love to stroke and touch their babies – who can resist that satiny soft skin? These gentle caresses help you to bond and make baby feel secure and loved in a big scary world.
Right from the start Skin-to-skin contact between a mother and her baby is beneficial at any time – however, it is particularly important immediately following birth. Your baby has a big adjustment to make from the confined, cosy safety of the womb to the vastness of the outside world. The mother's chest area varies in temperature – it adjusts according to baby’s needs, heating with the hormone oxytocin (also know as the ‘love hormone’) and cooling as required. Not only does skin-to-skin contact control baby’s temperature and heart rate but it also exposes them to the bacteria on your skin – for which you have antibodies in your breastmilk. With your baby in such close proximity, oxytocin is further stimulated which helps to expel the afterbirth by contracting the womb, and stimulates the letdown of that liquid gold, colostrum. The smell, warmth and taste of mum's chest brings familiarity, security and comfort. All newborn mammals have an inborn drive to feed and human babies are no exception. Usually babies will instinctively search for the nipple and most babies will latch and suckle during the first hour after birth. Skin-to-skin contact is not only important directly after birth, it is beneficial at any time: it can settle an unhappy baby and can stimulate a baby to latch and suckle if breastfeeding has faltered. It is also great for dad to have skin-on-skin time with baby, helping to create and strengthen their bond.
The origins of Kangaroo Care Swedish paediatrician, Dr Peter de Chateau, first described studies of “early contact” with mother and baby at birth in 1976. He was part of a new wave of paediatricians, bent on humanising newborn nurseries for babies, mothers and their families. He encouraged early skin-to-skin contacts, breastfeeding and other continuous intimate interactions which were not the norm at that time. His work found favour in Colombia, where, in 1978, the Professor of Neonatology at the University of Colombia, Dr Edgar Sanabria, introduced a method to help alleviate the shortage of caregivers and lack of resources. He suggested that mothers have continuous skin-to-skin contact with their low birthweight babies to keep them warm and to give exclusive breastfeeding as needed. This freed up overcrowded incubator space and took some of the pressure off overstretched caregivers. He observed that this contact helped newborns keep warm and increased the rates of successful breastfeeding. Subsequent researchers noted the mothers and babies that practised skin-to-skin care at birth were able to be discharged early. It has proven successful in improving survival rates of premature and low birthweight newborns and in lowering the risks of infection, severe illness, and lower respiratory tract disease as well as in establishing breastfeeding. And it improved maternal satisfaction and confidence. Dr Rey and Dr Martinez published their results in 1979 and used the term Kangaroo Mother Method and the term Kangaroo Care was gradually adopted through the English-speaking world after that. The International Kangaroo Care Awareness Day has been celebrated worldwide on May 15 since 2011. It is a day to increase awareness to enhance practice of Kangaroo Care in NICUs, labour and delivery, and any hospital unit that has babies up to three months of age.
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Why does attachment matter? Attachment is the fundamental way we relate to the important people in our lives. It is a key element of psychological and emotional well-being and forms our views about love and connection. The way we attach to others determines the quality of our relationships, how we see the world, and the tone and depth of our lives. Our attachment style and patterns are grounded in our first experiences – those crucial primary relationships of our first years of life.
The secure attachment bond describes the emotional relationship between an infant and primary caregiver, defined by emotional responses to the baby’s cues, as expressed through movements, gestures, and sounds. The success of this wordless relationship enables a child to feel secure enough to develop fully, and affects how he or she will interact, communicate, and form relationships throughout life. By understanding how you can better participate in this emotional interaction, you can ensure that your child has the best foundation for life. Because babies can’t talk, they have to rely on nonverbal cues to communicate – a tone of voice, a touch or a particular facial expression. And, as the parent or other primary caregiver, you bring all these unique qualities together to create a sense of recognition, safety and comfort for your child, and this is key to building and maintaining a secure attachment. The way you touch your child conveys your emotional state – whether you’re attentive, calm, tender, relaxed, or disinterested, upset and unavailable. The way you wash, lift or carry your baby, or the way you give your older child a warm hug, a gentle touch on the arm, or a reassuring pat on the back, can convey so much emotion. Maintaining eye contact also plays an important role in sustaining the flow of conversation between you and your child. You look at your child affectionately and he or she picks up on the positive emotion conveyed by this non-verbal signal and feels safe, relaxed, and happy. Your face is able to express countless emotions without you saying a word. If your expression is calm and attentive when you communicate with your child, he or she will feel secure. But if your face looks distressed, angry, worried, sad, fearful, or distracted your child will pick up on these negative emotions and feel stressed, unsafe, and unsure.
Children form attachments to their main caregivers and these attachments are foundations of life, as essential to growth and development as breathing and eating. When children are consistently cared for by someone they know and trust, who can be relied upon to respond to their needs with sensitivity and warmth, a secure attachment relationship develops. Caregivers of securely attached children have the ability to make themselves available to their child for comfort and support when needed, and to allow them the freedom to follow their curiosity and explore their world in safe ways when they feel ready. The child is confident that someone will be available to help when needed. They develop a model of other people as dependable and know they deserve loving care. These models of the self and of others form the foundation of health that the securely attached baby will carry for life. But if a child experiences care that is inconsistent, unpredictable, cold, hostile or scary, they are more likely to develop an attachment that is insecure. Caregivers of insecurely attached children are typically uncomfortable with either too much closeness and neediness or too much distance and independence. Being insecurely attached to a caregiver as a baby means that a child has developed an expectation that the important people in their life will not be reliably and dependably available in times of need.
The benefits of loving touch Develops trust and a sense of security Encourages a sense of self-worth and self-esteem Helps to handle stress and frustration, fear and worry Encourages self reliance and logical thinking Assists in developing future relationships and reduces jealousy Helps to unlock full intellectual potential
From Touch Research Institute and British Agencies for Adoption and Fostering
10 kiwiparent – supporting kiwi parents through the early years
Every hug is doing your baby the world of good. You might not know it but hugging can lower their heart rate, help them relax and encourage brain development. Hugs can also help release oxytocin - the bonding hormone. The first hug your baby feels will be from you. Make sure the second hug is from us because HUGGIES® Newborn nappies have been specifically designed to provide comfort and protection for delicate young skin. HUGGIES® Nappies and Plunket believe in the power of hugs.
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The insecurely attached baby grows into a child (and then an adult) with fewer resources for managing his own emotions and his relationships with other people. The insecure child cannot easily identify, understand, tolerate or communicate their feelings, leaving them vulnerable to a host of psychological difficulties. Research on brain development has deepened our understanding of the sorts of caregiving that promotes well-being in children. This work has confirmed the conclusions first made in attachment research. Babies who have an attuned, sensitive and responsive caregiver more skillfully and joyfully negotiate the world. They are happier, less stressed, more engaged; they recover more quickly from fearful or upsetting experiences and they cope better in social situations.
“… Findings indicate people whose infancy was secure, who were held and listened to, who had good eye contact with their parents, and who were generally cherished tend to have healthier relationships with others”. Vimala Schneider McClure Author of “Infant Massage, A Handbook for Loving Parents”
While babies are born with genetic tendencies and potentials, it is their life experiences that enhance or diminish these possibilities in life. Through these critical caregiving relationships, babies’ brains are being wired. When the neural connections follow a path and pattern of secure attachment, babies face the world with an internal blueprint that allows them to function well in all settings.
What can parents do? The fear that responding to a baby’s every need will reinforce needy behaviour and produce dependency is a myth. Research shows that children who are consistently soothed and whose emotional needs are dependably met are the ones who emerge with stability and independence. To raise securely attached children, parents need to be reasonably emotionally healthy themselves. Having good information about child development and parenting practices also allows parents to make decisions that support secure attachments. Holding realistic expectations about babies and having access to quality support are essential to feeling confident and satisfied as a parent. Parenting is hard work. It is also the most important work one can undertake. With each child we shape the future and how we do so is in our hands.
12 kiwiparent – supporting kiwi parents through the early years
Baby massage Massaging your baby is a great way for both parents to have some special one-on-one bonding time. This is a golden opportunity to spend focused, uninterrupted time together sharing touch, eye contact, body smells, body sounds and voice. It helps both you and your baby to be more aware of the feelings you have about yourselves and for each other. Gentle massage helps build trust and will strengthen the bond between you. It is a great way to let your baby know they are loved and cherished. Giving your baby massage can be a calming experience for both of you as it again stimulates the production of ‘feel good’ hormones including endorphins and oxytocin. Endorphins are a natural source of pain relief, so if your baby is teething or suffering from wind or colic massage can help to soothe them. The benefits of massage to relieve stress are well established and this holds true for baby as well. A loving massage will help to relieve physical and emotional stress in your baby. Lots of things can stress a baby – a difficult birth, separation from family, having to have invasive medical procedures (injections!). Focusing on your baby while gently massaging them can help to heal fear and rebuild trust and enjoyment of life. Through massage, your baby can learn to relieve their own stress. By gently stretching baby’s limbs, your baby will gradually learn how to do this for themselves. And we all know that a good stretch is a fantastic way to release tension from the body! Giving massage to your baby helps them to discern what is ‘safe’ touch and therefore to recognise, as they are growing up, what is not.
Find out more about Attachment www.parentscentre.org.nz www.practicecentre.cyf.govt.nz www.naturalchild.org
Infant massage www.plunket.org.nz www.nz.iaim.net
Ah, hindsight... Always 20/20. In gaming terms, if only I had known the princess was in another castle, I would have skipped past those pipes and fake castles and hightailed it straight to the next gaming level.
14 kiwiparent â&#x20AC;&#x201C; supporting kiwi parents through the early years
Becoming a single dad was definitely a ‘learn as you go’ experience for me, having no previous experience to draw upon or any decent resources that could have prepared me for what lay ahead. To be honest, there probably wasn’t anything that could have prepared me for every challenge that was to come, so a certain amount of walking through that valley unassisted was inevitable. However, as I reflect on my journey from a much more secure place than I was at the start of 2013, there are a few things I could have done that would have made a significant impact on the quality of my life had I made those changes sooner rather than later. So here’s the top five things I wish I'd done when I became a single dad. I hope that this list may help someone else who is about to enter 1 Player mode.
Lesson one – Take time off to set up new living arrangements Once I moved back to Wellington and finally found a place to live with my daughter, I pretty much went from moving in to my new apartment (after crashing at my mate’s place for a week) to starting my new work/ childcare routine straight away. I had annual leave which I could have used to finish setting up the apartment, but I didn’t know if I would need to use that leave for some unforeseen future emergency or other reason, so I decided to press on and hold on to that leave until I ‘really needed it’. Little did I know that I’d be living in a half-assembled apartment for the next three months while full-time work (including commuting regularly to Auckland), looking after Esme, running a household on my own and learning how to parent by myself took all of my time. Trying to live in a space where boxes were still waiting to be unpacked and moved, storage needed to be finalised and rooms were left unfinished (living out of a suitcase in your own home is a weird experience) only added to the stress of this period of change. So… if I could go back to give myself a little strategic pep talk for those initial stages of 1 Player mode, the first thing I’d tell myself to do would be to take a day or two off work to get my living environment sorted out as quickly as possible – the peace of mind is worth it.
However, this is one of those times that the extra effort pays off even when you’re low on energy and motivation. As the old saying goes, no man is an island, so one of the most important things that anyone who spends a lot of time in 1 Player mode can do is spend time with others, or just simply get out of the house. Not only for the obvious social benefits that you can’t quite get sitting in front of the TV or computer screen, but it also increases the chances of you stumbling upon something random, something new, or running into someone you know. After a few months of being a single dad I came to this realisation, so I started putting this one into practice and my general well-being improved noticeably. My motto soon became ‘When in doubt, get out’. When you are considering options for what to do during the day, choose the activity that gets you out of the house and interacting with people as much as possible.
Lesson three – Make hard decisions on how you spend your time for your overall well-being Some of the decisions you’ll need to make as you flick over to solo mode will be what activities you’re able to continue to do in your new role – such as sports and social events – and which ones you’ll need to change or sacrifice. I’m a semi-to-almost retired bboy (break boy). I’ve been dancing since 2007 and been a committed fan of hip-hop culture since my teens. One of the things that I was looking forward to, despite the huge upheaval of moving my life back to Wellington, was reconnecting with my breaking crew and training with them regularly. However, my new single dad schedule didn’t quite match up with my crew's, who had their own lives keeping them busy with jobs, relationships, kids etc. More often than not I found I was training by myself, which I didn’t mind so much due to the love of the dance, but when I was spending so much time away from other people when looking after Esme during the week, it was getting harder to find a reason to spend my free time isolating myself even more.
Lesson two – Getting out of the house is a priority
So at the beginning of 2014, I decided to take a break from breaking <see what I did there?> and join the gym to get me out of the house more. It was a tough decision to make, as breaking was a huge part of who I was, but after looking at the pros and cons it was a decision I made for my overall well-being.
Next up on the list of things that I should have prioritised to improve my quality of life is making a point of getting out of the house. Working full-time, travelling for work, and looking after my daughter four nights a week meant I spent a lot of time at home. On the nights I didn’t have her, I was either in commuting mode, tidying up after the tornado that was my little monkey toddler, or just so exhausted I couldn’t be bothered going out.
However, I wasn’t giving breaking up completely – my initial routines at the gym were based around TRx workouts that my brother, a personal trainer, introduced me to. These workouts involve bodyweight resistance exercises using suspension straps, which had similarities to the bodyweight manipulation art of breaking. A few months after I started at the gym, one of my mates from my breaking crew started going to the same gym. He introduced me to bodyweight calisthenics exercises
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which, again, share similarities with breaking, so it’s been a great opportunity to learn new skills while keeping myself fit in a way helps me keep in touch with my breaking. All while getting myself out of the house and interacting with people I know, rather than isolating myself in the name of my art. I still catch up with my crew from time to time and have a bit of a jam with them when I can make a training session, even if it’s just to say "What’s up?" on my way home from the gym (which always ends up in me throwing out a few moves anyway, just to make sure my skills don’t totally rust out). So if you’re about to enter 1 Player mode, you may need to make some hard decisions about the things you do – it could be a physical activity, a hobby, or even your job. And while you may find that you need to make significant changes to maintain your overall well-being, it’s also an opportunity for learning new things and potential reinvention. I’m not saying you need to give up anything at all, but there’s always ways to adapt and get creative with your time and the way you do things. There’s also always the chance that you can come back to the things you’ve taken a break from, once your routine or circumstances change. After attending a breaking jam mid-2014, I realised I still loved dance, so I ended up entering a jam at the start of 2015. While I was rusty as hell and our crew got knocked out in the second round, it felt good to be back on the dance floor, and more importantly back in that hip-hop environment I loved so much, connecting and vibing with my friends in the breaking scene. I’m not back in regular training, but it was good to dip my toes back in the water to catch that groove again.
16 kiwiparent – supporting kiwi parents through the early years
So be prepared to make those hard decisions about what you can spend your time on, but don’t be afraid – it doesn’t have to be permanent, and you never know where that new journey will take you.
Lesson four – Seek professional counselling support if you think you need it I’ve always been an advocate for people seeing mental health professionals such as counsellors or psychologists when they’re going through challenging periods in their lives. I’ve used counselling services at various stages of my life, and it’s always useful to talk through my issues with a professional to get an outside perspective and reassure myself that I’m not alone, and there’s not something fundamentally wrong with me (although there’s probably a few people out there who would beg to differ!). One of the biggest reasons that I’m motivated to use the services of mental health professionals when going through tough times is to do with my impatient nature. Generally speaking, I love life. It’s pretty cool. But when I’m going through life stuff that’s making life not-so-awesome, I want to find the quickest, most efficient solution to that problem so I can get back to awesome. And seeing a mental health professional can play a big part in finding your way quicker than trying to struggle through on your own. However, when I became a solo dad, it took me almost a year and a half before I got round to talking to a mental health professional about the biggest life change
I had ever experienced and the challenges I faced on a daily basis that were causing me grief. My main excuse was that I was just too busy to book the appointment, and that I’d book it when I ‘really needed it’, as I became used to grinding through the days to get by despite what was going on in my head. I was getting through the days by being so busy that my focus was often on other things to survive the week, as well as having a number of close friends I could talk to, some of whom were single parents themselves and had been through the journey I was just starting on. But the dark thoughts were always running in the background, like all the crap software in my laptop that constantly slows it to a crawl (I really need a clean out of my PC!), and I definitely wasn’t functioning at my best. When I finally got around to booking an appointment with a counsellor, it was at a point when I really needed to see someone to help me get through a particularly stressful event relating to my single parenthood. The process of signing up, getting access and finding a time in my work week to see the counsellor took a lot longer than anticipated (due to administrative issues with the service I was using) so by the time I saw him the worst of it had subsided. But it was still a relief to be able to walk through my journey with someone who could provide a more objective perspective than my friends or family – who have the best intentions, but are sometimes a bit too close to the situation to give you the perspective you need. I only ended up seeing this counsellor twice before I got busy again, but I had covered enough ground with him that I felt confident enough that I was ok for now. What I really should have done is seen a counsellor much earlier in the process of becoming a single dad, to front foot or pre-empt some of the challenges I’d face down the road. So I recommend that if you think you might need to talk to someone, book that appointment sooner rather than later, as you never know what is going to happen around the corner that you’re going to need help with. Yes, cost can be a factor as sessions can be quite expensive but see if you’re eligible for any subsidised services through your workplace support systems, or local health organisations.
Lesson five – Spend money on things that will make the biggest impact on your day-to-day life This last point falls under the category of ‘death by a thousand cuts’, or the little frustrations that add up over time to increase levels of frustration and stress. One of the major aspects of becoming a single parent and being responsible for your own bills is that there’s often not a lot of money to go around, so there is a constant balancing act from payday to payday around how to spend your money.
I had this small chopping board that I used frequently, more than my larger chopping boards because it was easier to clean (and you’ll be doing A LOT of dishes in 1 Player mode, so I try to minimise mess as much as possible). However, because I used it so much and I only had one, I kept having to wash it every time I used it which was a small annoyance that added up on a regular basis. It was only after a year or so that I finally bought some more small chopping boards (which only cost me about $5 from memory). However, having spare chopping boards eliminated this small but frequent annoyance from my life. I know it’s a bit of a ridiculous story (just buy another damn chopping board!) but it highlighted an important point that would have been handy for me to know back at the beginning of my journey – a lot of the life of a solo parent is characterised by routine and repetition, so try to set up your environment to make your everyday routines a bit easier. So my final suggestion is to spend money on the things that will make the most impact on your life. You may not be able to identify these things straight away, but once you’ve established your 1 Player Mode routine, see what things you can purchase that will make your life run a bit more smoothly each day. So there you have it – five things that, all together, would have made a significant difference to my well-being. Hopefully they can help you if you’re beginning down that path yourself, and if you’ve ‘been there and done that’, what are some of the things you wish you knew or wish you had done at the beginning of your journey?
Ben Tafau Ben is the author of The 1 Player Dad Strategy Guide and 1PlayerDad.com. He’s a single dad with shared care of an amazing 3-year-old daughter, and writes about his journey playing the parenting game in ‘1 Player Mode’ in Wellington.
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When terror strikes
close to home
Pulse nightclub on Orange Avenue – the site of June’s massacre in Orlando – lies just 20 minutes from my house. My community is now sadly the site of the deadliest mass shooting in US history, with 49 killed and many more injured. With still-fresh emotions from the tragedy, I watched the names of the victims scroll across my TV screen. I was filled with both great sadness and relief that I don’t personally know anyone who perished. But I wondered, were they the sons or daughters of someone I know at church? Did they attend the same college as my oldest son? Did they work at the same company as my husband? As a mother of two boys, this too-close-to-home attack horrifies me. As an Orlando citizen, this unnerves me to the core. If it can happen here – surrounded by
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family-friendly theme parks in ‘the happiest place on Earth’ – surely it can happen anywhere. How do we, as families, overcome the fear so inherent in terrorist attacks? How can we lead normal lives when our world, our own community, feels like it is falling apart around us? How can we even enjoy the simplest of pleasures – like taking our children to a movie, a shopping mall, a restaurant or a theme park – when in the back of our minds, we’re scared and suspicious? I ponder these questions as I go through bizarre circumstances in the aftermath. It’s surreal to turn on both the national and the local news and see in-depth coverage of the exact same story. It’s odd to see reporters broadcasting live near the intersection of streets I’ve travelled on, interviewing our local authorities on Good Morning America. It’s weird to ask an editor
I need to meet – who works a few kilometres from the crime scene – if I should postpone our meeting because of the traffic congestion caused by the increased police presence and international media attention. It’s eerie to see my local TV stations air regular updates of victims’ names, candlelight vigils, memorial services, blood drives, community prayer events and accounts set up to help the victims’ families and the Orlando community. It’s also chilling to know that this hate-filled man, walking through the streets of Orlando like a wolf in sheep’s clothing, is described by his ex-wife and a former co-worker as “unhinged, homophobic, erratic, and violent”. It’s terrifying to hear that he was scouting out Disney – a place our family has regularly visited for the last 15 years. It makes me wonder, did we unknowingly cross paths with this deranged gunman on the prowl for the perfect target? Bizarre and surreal – and now my reality in Orlando. But here’s the thing. This is not what Central Florida is about, this community of family-friendly tourism. Orlando is my local stomping ground, not some sound bite now forever linked with fear and terrorism. Orlando is infused with the magic of childhood dreams celebrated in our local theme parks. Orlando beats with a giving, helping heart, as demonstrated by the 5,000 people who showed up to donate blood immediately following the crisis. Orlando boasts a joyful melting pot of different lifestyles and cultures, as shown by the thousands of people who gathered for a vigil on the lawn of Dr. Phillips Center for the Performing Arts, at the University of Central Florida, and at dozens of other places around our community. Orlando melds a big-city vibe with a small-town feel. That is my family’s Orlando.
Goodness – a heart-to-heart combat – will overshadow evil, one person at a time. So how can I reconcile my hometown vision with the horror that just took place? Violence can and does happen anywhere. No amount of precautions – at the government level all the way down to personal vigilance – can prevent 100% of criminal activity. But I am not powerless. Quite simply, I can stay the course. I can refuse to let the twisted acts of an unstable murderer define my outlook on life, my faith in humanity, or my belief that goodness will prevail. I can act calmly in the face of chaotic tragedy. While it’s certainly not ‘business as usual’ here in Orlando, we need to go about our days to bring a semblance of peace, safety and normalcy to our families.
I can model living life with caution rather than letting fear cripple how I live. While I’m concerned for my family’s safety, we can’t just hide ourselves away, avoiding crowds and public places. I can continue to teach my children acceptance, tolerance, and inclusion. We are all different in our own ways, not just based on our religion, gender, race, colour or sexual preference. Everyone has their own personal history that makes us all different, whether it’s being a cancer survivor or living with autism or overcoming an abusive husband or growing up in poverty or a million other things that make us different from one another. I can love my family and friends, show kindness to my neighbours and help my community. Goodness – a heart-to-heart combat – will overshadow evil, one person at a time. To quote Mahatma Gandhi, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” I am not powerless. I can stay the course.
Lisa Beach Lisa is a freelance writer based in Orlando whose work has appeared both in print and online in the United States of America and internationally. Continued overleaf... subscribe online at www.kiwiparent.co.nz –
How do you break bad news to children? If you have bad news to tell your children, how do you break it to them gently? Here are some tips Skylight staff and some parents suggest: Never avoid an issue for so long that your kids might hear bad news from somebody else first. Anticipate that there may be awkward questions and be ready to answer them if you can. Perhaps think these answers through with someone else first. Choose a quiet place where they’ll feel safe and you won’t be interrupted. Perhaps have favourite things nearby, especially for younger children e.g. comfort toys. Turn off your cell phone and take the phone off the hook! Be honest with them. Stick to making statements you believe yourself. Keep explanations simple. If you don’t know or cannot explain something, admit that you don’t know. Use words they understand. Be honest and avoid saying things in such a way that they might be left confused about what you’re really saying. Children do best with bite-sized information they can chew on. Don’t talk for too long. Tell the children what they need to know and give them a chance to ask a few questions. Reassure them they can talk to you or ask you questions about it whenever they need to. Make sure you honour this with attention and answers when they do.
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Anticipate that they might want to then ask unrelated questions or begin a play or distraction activity. Do not assume they haven’t heard you or are not reacting. Repeat key information at different times. Along with the bad news, reassure. Repeat reassurances regularly. Be prepared to offer extra hugs and attention if your children seem at all upset. Touch can really help. Make eye contact often. This can be very reassuring. Don’t push it. Having told the children whatever it is you need to tell them, wait for them to come back to you when they are ready to hear more or just look out for those little moments when it seems right to chat about it together again. Remain as calm and loving as possible. If a particular issue upsets you too, that’s okay. It’s good for kids to learn that all of us have different sorts of reactions when tough things happen. If it becomes overwhelming for you, just take some time out to regain some emotional balance, and talk some more later.
Skylight is a national not-for-profit trust that enables children, young people, their family/ whanau and friends to navigate through times of trauma, loss and grief. www.skylight.org.nz 0800 299 100
Ailsa said they’re preparing for the arrival of their ninth au pair, and the services provide the right amount of support for her family and their two boys. “We started with Au Pair Link when my eldest, Callan, was five months old – he is now six-and-a-half and Hamish is four-and-a-half,” said Ailsa. The decision to work with Au Pair Link was one of care. Alisa intended to return to work when Callan was five months old and believed that one-on-one daily care was more suitable than using day care. “We have had a great service from Au Pair Link – they provide the right amount of support for families and au pairs alike, and ensure there are activities planned every month for au pairs with the children, like weekly playgroups and a monthly visit from a qualified early childhood teacher.”
part of the family Raising a family can be a demanding occupation these days, with many looking to outside help. Au pairs provide a great option for the modern family, slotting in somewhere between loving sibling and professional nanny. Ailsa and Ian Leach live in Mount Eden and have used au pairs for six years with both parents working in intensive careers – Ailsa works at Spark and Ian is a project manager for Auckland Motorways.
Because au pairs become such an important part of the family, it’s not uncommon for host families to stay in close contact with them when they leave. In fact, the Leach family have a previous au pair returning to New Zealand in December to celebrate Christmas with the family and spend more time exploring the country. The love and support that grows between a host family and an au pair is a special bond. It gives au pairs the chance to experience life in New Zealand while giving Kiwi kids the care and attention they deserve during their formative years.
SHARE YOUR HOME. GAIN THE WORLD. If you’re looking for quality, affordable, in-home early childhood care and education, we’d love to hear from you! With hundreds of experienced au pairs to choose from, it’s never been faster, or easier, to find the perfect au pair for your most precious little one! Join the Au Pair Link family today and gain access to: • • • • •
Our online system with hundreds of pre-screened au pairs Full support from our team of qualified early childhood teachers Organised weekly playgroups, monthly activities and events WINZ and 20 hours ECE subsidies Free first aid training for your au pair We offer 25% off our placement fee to all Parents Centre members. Simply use the promo code PARENTC
Join our family today at aupairlink.co.nz or call us on 0800 AU PAIR (287 247)
Unrealistic portrayals of parenthood
Remember, in the world of social media, people will more often than not only show you what they want you to see. Very few people will share the true realities of their life, and those that do are the ones you want to follow. That ‘Instagram Mum’ who has her shit together and has all the nice things, those perfectly posed photos and the Pinterest style house – she may have the best of everything but that doesn’t mean she’s necessarily happy (or not in a massive load of debt).
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I, for one, am guilty of it. I work in social media and am a serial over-sharer which puts me in the perfect position to comment on the subject. I am in the influencer network in New Zealand and get sent a lot of products to try/comment on and create content via my social channels. Baxter is also a ‘brand rep’ for many clothing companies, which basically means he gets sent a bunch of free clothes in exchange for photos posted on my channels. Pretty good deal, right? If you have a young child you’d know just how hard it actually is to get them to stay still as they get older.
covered in loads of washing, and the Snapchat of Baxter going apeshit in the backseat while I am crawling in traffic. When it comes to social media, it’s not always what it seems, and this is why I also share what’s really going on. That perfect photo I posted? Yeah, I took about ten before I got one I liked because Baxter wouldn’t sit still. Don’t get me wrong, some people have it good, they work hard, they have nice things and they live the Pinterest life, but remember – they’re a normal person just like you and me. They struggle, they have bad days, they’ve cleaned up their fair share of poo nappies and their kid loses it on occasions – they just don’t talk about it. Perception is everything. I think often people get sucked into the vortex of social media and forget that these people go through exactly what we go through – they just chose to portray a different image. Hell, I’d prefer not to talk about the bad stuff, but my audience appreciates it as it's more genuine. It makes them realise what they’re going through is more common than they think, that having a messy house is totally ok, as is eating cereal for dinner. Yes, I can sometimes hit the jackpot and get an awesome photo of Baxter and me. I’m also a photographer so I have a bit of an upper hand in that department, but my partner is no ‘Instagram husband’. While I take beautiful, well-composed photos of him, in return I get blurry photos and objects in the picture like rubbish bins which I would have cropped out of shot. He is learning. For me, it's important to have nice photos of Baxter and me as these are years I will never get back with him. We are lucky – because I work in social media we are given these awesome opportunities. But don’t forget, I do work hard for the products I am gifted and I will only work with brands and share products that I truly believe in, or feel my audience will appreciate and potentially buy. I am asked to do this often because of my ability to take a good photo (I’m a photographer) and because I have a large social following. It’s part of our lives but being so immersed I also see the negative effects and am well aware of them. I’ve always kept it real because that is what people relate to the most. The messy house I posted in my Instagram, the couch
I was talking to a good friend a while back about the topic and it became apparent to us that there are people out there who put out an image that is certainly not a true representation of their lives. This is totally their choice obviously, and there isn’t anything wrong with it. All I can say is, don’t allow yourself to get too heavily consumed, develop bad feelings or a sense of jealousy towards anyone due to the image they portray. Try not to idolise them based on what you see – I personally don’t think it’s healthy and it creates unnecessary negative feelings and competitiveness. It also can make you ungrateful for what you do have and it creates this constant desire for new and better
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things. There are people out there who will spend money they don’t have (credit cards etc) in order to look as ‘cool’ or ‘successful’ as the other mums online. Some even do it to make them feel like they fit in or gain acceptance. It makes me sad when I see friends having to take a break from Facebook etc because they’ve chosen to become so totally consumed that it has affected their daily lives. They feel inferior because of photos their friends have posted and are starting to compare them to the reality of their own lives. They see a friend’s kid is already walking and their child isn’t even crawling yet. They base ‘normal development’ on what everybody else’s child is doing (according to Facebook).
I’ve seen it all For me, as I work in social media, I have seen it all. I saw ‘mummy wars’ going on when I joined a few mum groups while pregnant. Some people were lovely and supportive towards each other, willing to share helpful advice and tips. Others felt that their way was the only way and would shoot others down at the first opportunity. Some become SO passionate about certain aspects that others feel useless and like they’re doing the wrong thing. You name it, there is probably a group for it where different opinions can be pushed around. Babywearing, carseats (front-facing and rear-facing), baby-led weaning, co-sleeping. While I think these can be extremely helpful for others seeking information on a particular topic, people are often so judgemental about their own way they won’t even give somebody who thinks another way is better, the time of day.
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It’s so common these days that there’s a term for this negative phenomenon: mum-shaming. I am talking about mums shaming other mums. Don’t even get me started on the judgemental people who DON’T EVEN HAVE KIDS! I see it almost every day. Out in public and most commonly, online. We’ve all been guilty of it at one point or another, pre or post baby. We may have judged another mum in the mall or the in the playground and it needs to stop. We’re all in this together, you know, this crazy roller coaster we call parenting. Nothing can make you question your abilities and decisions as a parent like a death stare in the local food court, or a rude old lady coming up to you in the supermarket and telling you “that kid shouldn’t be out without a warm hat on” or “that child should be in bed”. Hey, Doris – go shove your opinions. Get stared at for feeding your kid with a bottle (god forbid it’s formula!) Get stared at for getting your boob out in public. Get judged for feeding your child packaged food. Get judged for using non-organic ingredients. Get judged for allowing your child to sleep with you. Get judged for having them alone in another room. Get judged for letting your child have a dummy. Get judged for letting your child scream. Get judged for buying your kid expensive toys. Get judged for not stimulating your child enough.
Get judged for choosing to front-face your child after two years. Get judged for still rear-facing them. Get judged for going back to work ‘too early’. Get judged for choosing to be a stay-at-home mum. Get judged for enrolling your child into a daycare centre. In many of the above cases, it’s a no-win situation. I came across a great article at www.scarymommy.com which outlined reasons why we might be compelled to do this.
is great, sometimes we need to just stop and go down to the local baby shop and make the decision for ourselves, not based on how good it looks, but what is the most practical. If you think this article is ridiculous and unrelatable then I take my hat off to you – you’ve chosen to not be consumed, to live a life off social media and not let others’ photos/comments/lifestyle get to you.
Be true to yourself and be true to others. Love the person you are and the life you live. Others may have it all on the surface but that doesn’t make them any better than you.
Keep it real. The no bullshit approach always wins.
You’re jealous You’re overwhelmed You’re exhausted You’re not sure of your own identity You’re dying to be recognised Being a mum is bloody hard and having somebody question your decisions makes it even harder. Mum-shaming is not always direct. It can be a criticism, unsolicited advice, dubious facial expressions and general negativity (directly or indirectly) at another mum regarding her parenting choices, or even worse, a personal dig.
Jess Bovey Jess is a 29-year-old mother of one based in Wellington. She manages a social media agency by day, blogs by night, and is also a professional photographer. A self-proclaimed serial over-sharer, Jess will always say it how it is. www.newmumclub.com
I suffer from anxiety and depression and know too well how hard it is to hear that somebody thinks you’re not a good mother. Putting myself out there through my blog has led me to receive some truly awful comments and it really is disgusting that people think it’s ok. I think in order to fix a problem we need to recognise that there is one and, collectively, do our bit to combat this nasty, rising habit. The popularity of social media influences us as individuals far more than we realise (or want to admit). Our buying decisions are heavily influenced by the opinions of others, and while word of mouth
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Cots are available in leading retail furniture and baby stores nationwide. Children’s bedroom furniture can be purchased online or at our showroom at 98 Main Road, Tawa.
Are we there yet?
Round about now many families are planning how they will spend their summer holidays. For many of us that means packing up the kids in the car and hitting the road for a trip away. But remember, your trip starts with some important planning before you even leave the house. Here are some top tips to help you keep your cool when driving during the holiday period, and ensure you and the family have a safe and enjoyable journey this summer.
Distracted drivers are unsafe drivers, and our little ones are great at wanting our attention while we’re driving. Make sure you’ve got plenty of activities on hand to keep them occupied, so you can keep your eyes on the road.
Before you travel It’s important that your vehicle is in tip-top condition:
Take a little time to make sure that your vehicle’s safe before hitting the road.
Give it a TWIRL before you head away. This includes checking Tyres, Windscreen, wipers and mirrors, Indicators, Rust and Lights. If you notice anything wrong, take it to an expert. The New Zealand Transport Agency has a useful video to guide you to do a TWIRL.
Plan to avoid the worst peak traffic periods – if you’re travelling before Christmas, head away before lunchtime to avoid motorway congestion.
Check your trailers and caravans
Your trip may take longer than you expect, so relax and make the journey part of the family holiday. Check out the Automobile Association’s helpful travel distance calculator for accurate travel times.
Check all towing attachments and make sure the couplings are compatible. Also remember to check the safety chain, trailer lights, tyres and brakes.
Make a plan
Get a good night’s sleep (at least eight hours) the night before, and schedule regular rest stops every two hours. Share the driving where possible.
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Remember, if you’re towing a trailer, your maximum speed on the open road is 90km/h. Keep left and pull over when it’s safe to let other vehicles pass. Load heavy objects evenly over all of the axles.
Safety restraints are a must Remember, if you’re in the driving seat these holidays, it’s your job to make sure everyone wears a safety belt for the ride – it’s the law. Our children are our greatest treasure, and extra care needs to be taken to keep them safe. All passengers need to either wear a safety belt or approved child restraint. Little ones seven and under must be properly restrained by an approved child restraint suitable to their size and weight. Plunket recommends that all babies use a rear-facing car seat until they are two years of age, or until they have outgrown their car seat. There are several things to watch out for when your child is ready to move from a rear-facing to a forward facing car seat. Follow the instruction manual carefully, as their safety depends on fitting the car seat properly. You may want to consider getting the car seat checked by a trained child restraint technician. You will find a list of certified technicians at the New Zealand Transport Agency. Not sure on their age and size? Best practice recommends children stay in a restraint or booster seat until they’re 148cm tall.
Be alert to changes on the road Often during holiday periods, passing lanes are closed to help reduce congestion and prevent further delays where the traffic merges at the end of lanes.
Sometimes alternative routes are suggested. Check out the New Zealand Transport Agency for real time updates about route changes, delays, closures and incidents.
Keep your cool Holiday driving can be frustrating with busy roads, slower sightseeing travellers, and stifling heat in summer. Here are some simple and easy ways to stay calm and stay in control: Be courteous – let others merge into traffic, and indicate before turning or changing lanes. Keep left unless passing. If you’re a slower driver, pull over when you can to let others pass. Remember that trucks and towing vehicles have lower speed limits. Wait for a passing lane or until you can see clear road ahead of you and enough space to overtake safely. Watch out for cyclists and other road users. Give them plenty of space. Keep an eye out for children, who are unpredictable. Watch out for horses and other animals on back country roads.
Where to go for more information www.nzta.govt.nz
To find out more about travel times www.aatravel.co.nz/main/time-distance-calculator
To find out more on child restraints and safety belts www.nzta.govt.nz/childrestraints www.plunket.org.nz/your-child/safety/car-seat-safety
For travel information before heading out 0800 4 HIGHWAYS Or subscribe for email updates at www.onthemove.govt.nz
To find out how to give your car a quick safety check www.nzta.govt.nz/checkyourcar
To find out more about traffic and road conditions www.nzta.govt.nz/traffic/current-conditions
Mums supporting mums
It’s a daunting thought. You know you need to go back to work maybe to keep the family budget in good health, but the idea of leaving your precious little one with someone else just breaks your heart. Will they cuddle them as much as you do? Will they get picked up when they cry? Will someone change their nappy as regularly as you would? Who will that be? Will it be a different person each day? How many children will be sharing their focus and energy?
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Finding someone to care for your little one is a hard task. On one hand, you simply have to, but on the other, your heart really just isn’t in it. Perhaps there’s someone in your coffee group who isn’t planning to return to work yet. Take a moment to think, could they be a good alternative to a daycare centre? You have grown together with your babies; you know each other’s approaches to parenting, and have most likely built friendships that will last a lifetime.
It’s all about relationships
No qualifications needed, just a love for children
The philosophy of PORSE is based on relationships. PORSE believes the primary attachments babies and toddlers make with their parents and main caregivers influence their young minds for the rest of their lives. Research backs their programme. Decades of neuroscientific findings have made it clear the human brain does most of its wiring after birth. Millions of connections in the brain are formed in direct response to the baby’s environment. It is their experiences that guide this process, and why PORSE is so passionate about children being cared for in a home environment, with one special caregiver, be that a family member, friend, educator or nanny.
To become a PORSE Educator, you don’t need to have any particular qualifications – PORSE provides all the support and training you need to get started. Monthly visits from a trained teacher provide guidance in the delivery of the PORSE programme, plus the free weekly activity programme offers the opportunity for you and your babies to enjoy a social outing, while also supporting their development through music, movement and play.
Build relationships within your network Your antenatal group gives you options to provide this type of nurturing, secure, relationship-based care for your child. It may be that your fellow mums could provide the in-home care environment you need, or alternatively, by becoming a PORSE Educator yourself, you can fulfil your own desire to stay at home with your child, and earn an income by providing loving care to babies from your antenatal group (and/or babies from other local families) when their parents return to work.
Learn more To find out about becoming an Educator, give PORSE a call or visit their website (which features Live Chat during normal business hours). If you need to return to work, PORSE can match you and your little one with one special person near you, providing a secure and nurturing environment second only to yours. 0800 023 456 www.porse.co.nz facebook/PorseChildCare
Where do you find a Mum like you? Enrol your little one with PORSE today, and rest easy knowing your child will be getting flexible and attentive care second only to yours, in a nurturing home environment, with one loving Educator or Nanny.
If staying at home is where your heart is... Contact us today to find out how you can earn an income as an Educator, while growing little minds at home.
0800 023 456 porse.co.nz
Working it out
I’ve been thinking a lot about misconceptions; the sort of assumptions that mislead and often prevent mums getting the information or support that can help them reach their parenting goals. Some assumptions arise out of miscommunication; a few years back, a reader claimed I was against pumping following my article in Kiwiparent about heavy sales tactics. I didn’t think a pregnant mum should be pressured into buying an expensive pump she might not need, but perhaps the message should have been clearer. We live and learn!
There are many misconceptions about breastfeeding. I could write pages about them. But one that gets my goat and definitely needs clearing up is that returning to work means giving up breastfeeding. Now, it may mean you have to talk to your employer and prepare for some big changes, but time away from your baby definitely doesn’t mean breastfeeding has to come to an end. How you are going to balance your work and family is worth planning in advance. It may seem a daunting prospect and will likely be a challenge, but the working
Photo courtesy of Philips Avent
BECAUSE EVERY DROP OF BREAST MILK COUNTS
mothers I know find continuing the breastfeeding relationship provides a wonderful way to reconnect with their babies at the end of a long day. If you don’t have mothers to talk to who are combining breastfeeding and work (or study) outside the home, then books, leaflets and websites can provide helpful ideas. The longer you wait before returning to work, the easier the transition will be for both you and your baby. Here are some things you might want to consider: Can you extend your maternity leave or organise flexible hours?
Can you work from home? Could someone bring your baby to your work so you can feed during breaks? Can you work shorter days so that you can express less and miss fewer feeds? If your wee one is under a year old you may need to express your milk while at work as this will help you maintain your milk supply and ensure your baby receives your milk even when you are apart.
making life simple for mums who express Our Express and Go range makes everything easier. By using a single pouch to EXPRESS, STORE, WARM and FEED, there’s no need to transfer breastmilk between bottles so you’ll never lose a precious drop!
If you want to express during work hours you will need to find out what facilities are available in your workplace. The Employment Relations (Breaks, Infant Feeding and Other Matters) Amendment Act requires employers to provide appropriate facilities and breaks for employees who wish to breastfeed either at the workplace or during a work period, as far as it is reasonable and practicable in the circumstances.
Photo courtesy of Philips Avent
There’s lots of information to help you on the internet. Finding somewhere private to express is important. You’ll probably need access to electricity and a fridge and, preferably, a comfy chair! Most mums find they need to express every three hours or so, possibly more at first, so they don’t feel uncomfortable. Some other suggestions you might like to consider before returning to work: Wait until just before you go back to work to introduce a bottle as it’s important to concentrate on establishing your milk supply first. Milk can be given in a cup depending on how old your baby is. Start back to work towards the end of the week to avoid the tiredness of a full week straight away. Practise pumping/hand expressing first. You can freeze your milk but fresh milk retains more nutrients and immune factors. Attend a La Leche League meeting in your area – support really can make a difference! Ideally your baby’s caregiver will understand the importance to you of continuing to breastfeed and will work with you to make sure the baby is cared for as you wish. For example there is a special technique for feeding a breastfed baby a bottle. Some babies don’t feed as often, and sleep more, when mum is away. They adjust their feeding pattern to make the most of mum when she is available. This can make the at-home hours, including at night, more demanding, so being organised at home as well as at work is very important.
32 kiwiparent – supporting kiwi parents through the early years
Here are some useful words from some wonderful, wise women. Watch and listen to your baby. Learn her cues; eye movement, hands coming towards the face, mouth movements, rooting towards your chest, whimpering: know that crying is a late sign of hunger. Also, listen to yourself; you know your baby better than anyone else. Trust your instinct. Once you start breastfeeding, milk is always being made. It’s made more rapidly when the breast is less full. Your baby is in control of your milk supply and will regulate the supply to meet his needs, by sometimes feeding more frequently. There are no rules about how long a baby will feed! Some are very efficient feeders, nursing in shorter spurts more frequently. Others seem to feed for hours at a time. A thirsty baby will feed for a shorter time off both sides. If she’s hungry she may stay longer to get the higher fat milk, which is why it usually pays to offer both sides during a feed. The less you feed your baby, the less milk you will make. Breastmilk is a living food. It develops with your baby, so your milk is always right for your baby. Be flexible. Most babies do not feed by the clock. Trying to force a schedule will make everyone unhappy. Babies do 25 percent of their growing at night and need food to do so; they are not designed to ‘sleep through’. You cannot spoil a baby. They aren’t capable of manipulation. Their wants are their needs – for at least the first year!
If you need to express and use a bottle, wait until breastfeeding is well established and going smoothly. La Leche League suggests offering a bottle about two weeks before you have to go back to work. If your baby won’t take a bottle, let someone else try. Offer the bottle when the baby isn’t hungry to let him explore. Try different types of nipple teats, offer a plain or sippy cup – find out more at www.kellymom.com/bf/pumping/bottle-feeding.html How often you have to pump will depend on your body. It does take practice! If you’re having problems, talk to your local La Leche League Leader. Expressed milk for a healthy full-term baby can be stored in any clean container (sterilised if the baby is under three months), ideally glass or disposable bags made for human milk, or BPA free plastic containers. The fresher the milk, the more nutritional and immunological its benefits are. Your milk will stay fresh for at least four, and up to eight hours at room temperature. Freshly pumped milk can stay in the fridge for three to eight days. Collect milk for the freezer in smaller quantities. You can add refrigerated milk to previously frozen milk. It’s best to thaw overnight or under cool running water, gradually increasing the temperature. Frozen milk will keep in a deep freeze for six to 12 months. As a La Leche League Leader I am often asked about babies’ ‘normal’ feeding habits. My observations as a Leader, coupled with my personal experience of extended breastfeeding, have taught me that every baby is different. If you want more useful information, a fantastic reference book is The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding – I highly recommend it! There are few rules and there is no right or wrong way to breastfeed. If you need support, talk to La Leche League (www.lalecheleague.org.nz). The secret is to do what works for you and your baby. You then create your unique expression of the universal art of breastfeeding.
Your essential breastfeeding companion Breast milk is, without doubt, best for your baby’s start in life. Our range of breast pumps are designed to help you in your breastfeeding journey, making it easier and as comfortable as possible to give your baby all the goodness of your breast milk for longer. When you’re comfortable and relaxed, your milk flows easily. That’s why together with mums and baby feeding experts we have created our most comfortable breast pump yet.
Lisa is a former TV journalist and presenter. She is married to the British actor John Rhys-Davies with whom she has an eleven-year-old daughter Maia. Lisa is an at-home mum and La Leche League Leader in Pukekohe. If you’d like to get in touch with Lisa in response to this article with ideas, suggestions or feedback about La Leche League, she can be reached at email@example.com
Find out more about pumping and bottle feeding Breastfeeding Friendly Workplaces website: www.bfw.org.nz http://kellymom.com/bf/pumpingmoms/feeding-tools/ bottle-feeding/
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Jazz up an
Homemade burgers are a tasty and nutritious alternative to takeaways. In this recipe, lamb mince is flavoured with turmeric, coriander, cumin and curry powder. Adding grated carrot into burger patties is a great way to get an extra veggie serving into dinner recipes. Stack the patties with salad and chutney in burger buns, and serve with raita. Raita is a yogurt-based dish that is often served as an accompaniment with Indian dishes. For this recipe you add cucumber, mint, garlic and honey to plain yoghurt. Feel free to jazz it up with grated carrot or diced tomatoes as well!
34 kiwiparent â&#x20AC;&#x201C; supporting kiwi parents through the early years
Indian Lamb Burgers with Raita Serves: 5 Prep time: 15 min Cooking time: 30 min
Indian lamb patties 600g lamb mince 1 teaspoon ground turmeric 2 teaspoons ground coriander 2 teaspoons ground cumin 1 teaspoon curry powder ¾ teaspoon salt ½ cup panko breadcrumbs 1 egg 1 carrot, peeled and grated
Raita ½ telegraph cucumber ¾ cup natural yoghurt ¼ cup chopped mint leaves 1 clove garlic, minced ½ teaspoon runny honey
To serve 5 burger buns ¼ cup mayonnaise 2 tomatoes, sliced 1 baby cos lettuce, leaves separated 5 tablespoons mango chutney (optional)
PREHEAT oven to 180°C. Line two oven trays with baking paper.
In a large bowl, combine all Indian lamb patty ingredients, season with pepper, and mix well using clean hands. Use a half cup measure to shape into patties, about 10cm wide and 1.5cm thick.
Heat a drizzle of oil in a large frying pan (preferably non-stick) on medium heat. Fry patties, in batches, for about 3 minutes each side until browned. Set aside on first prepared tray and finish cooking in oven for about 5 minutes, until just cooked through. Cut burger buns in half horizontally and place, cut-side-up, on second prepared tray to warm in oven for 4 minutes.
While patties cook, make raita; finely dice cucumber and place in a medium bowl with all remaining raita ingredients and mix well. Season to taste with salt and pepper.
TO SERVE: spread mayonnaise on the base of each burger bun and place an Indian lamb patty on top. Dollop with mango chutney (if using) then top with tomato, a dollop of raita, lettuce, and other half of burger bun.
pregnancyglow Good nutrition is especially important for women when they are thinking about getting pregnant, pregnant or breastfeeding. Pregnancy is a time when your nutritional needs are greater, in order to nourish both yourself and your growing baby.Â Establishing good nutrition when they are tiny will benefit your children throughout their lives.
36 kiwiparent â&#x20AC;&#x201C; supporting kiwi parents through the early years
Most women won’t need to change their diet drastically when they are preparing for pregnancy, or are either pregnant or breastfeeding. Make sure to continue to eat healthy foods, drink plenty of water and keep active. However, there are a few extra things you need to be aware of in relation to certain vitamins and minerals.
Maintaining the right balance Have at least four servings of vegetables and two servings of fruit each day. Have at least six servings of breads and cereals during pregnancy and at least seven serves while breastfeeding. These foods include bread, pasta, rice and breakfast cereal. Wholegrain varieties are best. Have at least three servings of dairy products, such as milk, yoghurt and cheese each day. Have at least two servings of meat, poultry, seafood, eggs, nuts and seeds or legumes (such as beans, chickpeas and lentils). During pregnancy you may become constipated so eat foods with fibre (fruit, vegetables and wholegrains). Kiwifruit has laxative properties and is an excellent way to stay regular and it is also a nutritionally dense fruit.
Iron – a super mineral! Iron carries oxygen throughout the body. This is why a lack of iron will make you feel tired and exhausted during pregnancy and while breastfeeding. Animal products provide the best-used iron, with red meat the richest source. Others include chicken, fish and eggs. If you do not eat meat, you need to eat larger amounts of other iron-containing foods, such as wholegrain breads, nuts, seeds, dried beans, peas or lentils. Eating two or more servings of these foods each day will help you meet your iron needs. To help increase the amount of iron used from these foods, have something rich in vitamin C at the same time, such as capsicum, tomato or fruit juice. Tea and coffee may reduce the amount of iron absorbed, so avoid drinking these until about an hour after a meal, or have them between meals. Iron is the most common dietary deficiency in the world. It is estimated that up to one in five New Zealand women are iron deficient – and may not know it. Sometimes you may need a supplement to help restore your iron levels. If you are pregnant, talk to your midwife who will recommend a supplement that will work for you.
YO U N E E D 2 - 3 T I M E S
M O R E I R O N T H A N N O R M A L TO S U P P O R T YO U A N D YO U R G R OW I N G B A BY
“During pregnancy, especially throughout the third trimester, women need to make sure they are getting enough iron in their diet. Lean beef and lamb provide a rich source of easily absorbable iron and contribute toward a healthy, well-balanced diet.” Beef + Lamb New Zealand Nutritionist, Emily Parks
BEEF + LAMB NEW ZEALAND
For delicious iron-rich recipe ideas using lean beef and lamb, visit recipes.co.nz or for further information email firstname.lastname@example.org
Iron is absorbed more efficiently from haem iron food. Do you have any of the following symptoms? Fatigue Weakness Difficulty concentrating Paleness of skin, gums and nail beds Headaches Reduced ability to fight infections Shortness of breath when exercising If so, you may be low in iron. However, these symptoms are not exclusive to iron deficiency anaemia, and there can be other causes of anaemia besides iron deficiency. Don’t be misled. Multivitamin tablets aren’t iron tablets. While it is true that some multivitamins contain small amounts of iron, but they are not substitutes for therapeutic level iron tablets.
Don’t forget to keep moving
So… what’s the best way to get enough iron? Iron is found in many foods, so diet will influence your intake. There are two main types of dietary iron: haem iron and non-haem iron.
Foods Containing Haem Iron
1 grilled lean beef fillet steak (173g)
2 grilled lean lamb steaks (116g)
1 slice fried lamb liver
90g can salmon
1 grilled chicken breast (107g)
1 grilled lean pork loin chops (74g)
1 baked tarakihi fillet
Foods Containing Non-Haem Iron
Talk to your midwife or other healthcare professional if you have any concerns about your diet or energy levels.
½ cup porridge
1 wheat biscuit
½ cup cooked red kidney beans
½ cup muesli
½ cup cooked chickpeas
1 cup boiled broccoli
½ cup baked beans
10 Brazil nuts
1 cup boiled spinach
1 boiled egg
1 slice multigrain bread
38 kiwiparent – supporting kiwi parents through the early years
Regular exercise is part of a healthy lifestyle, including during pregnancy. Many women enter pregnancy with some sort of exercise programme already in place, and this is a great start. Other women use pregnancy as an opportunity to improve their health by developing good healthy habits. Whatever your situation, it’s beneficial to do some regular exercise if you can. Exercise will help prevent loss of fitness, too much weight gain and low back pain. It will probably also help prevent such things as pregnancy-induced high blood pressure, diabetes and varicose veins. It will make you feel better in yourself – exercise is proven to have a positive effect on people’s moods. Mild or moderate exercise is best. Nearly all pregnant women (with the possible exception of those with complex pregnancies or severe heart, lung or high blood pressure problems) can safely manage some exercise. Strenuous exercise is probably best avoided, as it will reduce the blood flow to the placenta. Whether or not this adversely affects the baby depends on a number of other factors related to the placenta. There may be exceptions to this general rule if you were very fit before becoming pregnant, so discuss this with your midwife or GP. You may also want to seek advice from a sports medicine expert if you are involved in top-level competitive sport.
If you have any particular problems, other conditions or concerns, discuss with your midwife or Lead Maternity Carer how they might affect your ability to exercise. But most of all, enjoy your pregnancy – your body is doing something amazing! Prepared with support from The Ministry of Health www.health.govt.nz
Parents Centre Diverse Centres meeting the needs of local communities nationwide Established in 1952, today Parents Centre has the largest network of parent-based education in the country. From Whangarei to Invercargill, our 48 Centres nationwide are as widespread in their geographical location as they are diverse in their approaches to meeting the needs of their local communities. We work hard nationally to support Centres to achieve success locally – and things are really humming along in the National Support Centre. Read more about the exciting news that Parents Centre New Zealand has been selected as a MediaWorks Foundation National Charity Partner. This initiative will enable Parents Centre to launch a new programme to raise awareness of the importance of quality parenting education in reducing child abuse, maltreatment and neglect. And this, in turn, will be something that will benefit families and communities throughout the country.
In this section Taieri celebrates a decade of Jaffa Races National news:
The MediaWorks Foundation selects Parents Centre as a charity partner CRIB launches The way we were Find a Centre Spotlight on: Music and Movement Programme
In July we were also delighted to launch the first stage of Parents Centre new information repository – Centre Resource Information Bank – affectionately known as the CRIB. Having relevant, up-to-date information, processes, templates and resources for our volunteers is critical to enabling them to be effective and relevant. Over the page we profile a Centre that has reaped the benefits of the huge number of volunteer hours they invested in helping run the annual iconic Jaffa Race in Dunedin. Not only hard work, but also lots of fun and great at raising the profile of Parents Centre in their community and nationally.
Go to www.parentscentre.org.nz today to contact your local Centre and to find out more about support and volunteering opportunities offered in your area.
Are you interested in becoming part of the passion and proud history that is Parents Centre? Visit our website to find out more about volunteering or becoming a parent educator. It can be surprising what unexpected personal benefits can come from being involved with your local Parents Centre, and how rewarding volunteering can be. Go to www.parentscentre.org.nz to find out more.
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A decade of Jaffa races On 22 July 2016, for the tenth consecutive year, Parents Centre New Zealand was lucky to be one of three charities involved in the Jaffa Race as part of the Cadbury Chocolate Carnival in Dunedin. This is a highly publicised event with national and international media in attendance – a great promotion for Parents Centre New Zealand! Twenty five thousand green jaffas, sold by 23 different Parents Centres throughout New Zealand, hurtled down Baldwin Street – the world’s steepest street – with the first five jaffas to hit the chute at the end of the street winning prizes. This year, Centres sold between 100 and 2,500 tickets with the majority selling their whole allocation. Excellent work! The winning tickets were sold by the following Centres – Taupo, Mana, Putaruru and Gore and one lucky winner bought their ticket at Cadbury World. Taieri Parents Centre has organised the race on behalf of PCNZ since our inaugural year. This is at times an exercise in logistics; receiving tickets and sending allocations out to centres, labelling 25,000 jaffas and bagging them into bags of 100, collating Centre sales, managing lost and returned tickets, selling our own allocation, and finally getting those 25,000 jaffas to the top of the hill in time for the race.
This is Taieri’s major fundraiser for the year and requires a massive effort over the best part of four months. This year we ran a Stellar Seller competition with the top seller getting to release the jaffas at the beginning of the race. Mel Harkess won the honour this year, selling a crazy 929 tickets before race day. Mel, together with her husband Mark and their two children Alex (five) and Cole (two), climbed Baldwin Street with the bag of race day jaffas and liberated our speedy green jaffas. For Taieri this is an epic team effort, which this year was ably led by Robyn Thomas with our super spreadsheet nerd Kathryn Anderson by her side. We had 114.5 volunteer hours at public selling events with 34 different members involved, 60 volunteer hours sticking stickers on jaffas with 37 different members involved and 33 volunteer hours by 11 people on race day, along with all the admin and Centre liaison work. We sold our total allocation plus tickets returned from other centres to make a profit of $9,641. Outstanding! We are so grateful to Cadbury for the opportunity to be part of this awesome event and we hope to have some Parents Centre Jaffas on Baldwin Street again next year! Hayley Vaughan Treasurer, Taieri Parents Centre
kiwiparent – supporting kiwi parents through the early years
CRIB launches In July we were excited to launch the first stage of our new information repository – Centre Resource Information Bank (CRIB). We consulted widely with the organisation over the past eighteen months to identify their particular needs, firstly through our strategic plan consultation process and also by involving Centre representatives in workshops with our project team to identify and refine the exact needs of our volunteers. These workshops provided great discussion and debate and gave valuable insights into the priorities of our volunteers. The messages on the use of a technology platform were clear – it must be easy to use, easily accessible, and provide a one-stop shop. What was also clear was the existing information and platform wasn’t meeting our volunteer needs and we had to create something new. Having relevant, up-to-date information, processes, templates and resources for our volunteers is critical to enable them to be effective in their roles and meet the needs of their communities. The volunteer role is unique and complex and it’s important that the information volunteers need is relevant, meets their needs and is easily accessible 24/7. As an organisation we understand that the use of technology as a platform for this information is critical, as the volunteer role is not a Monday to Friday, nine-to-five job. Most of our volunteers are in paid employment and complete their volunteer tasks at any time of the day or night. The first stage – ‘What does it mean to be part of a national organisation’ – provides our volunteers with great information on who Parents Centre really are: our philosophies, our DNA, history, governance, who to go to for help and when, and much more.
The Harkess family sold an awesome 929 tickets and earned the hounour of liberating the green jaffas on race day!
Feedback to date has been very positive and we are constantly adding more content to the CRIB based on this feedback. My sincere thanks to everyone who put so much effort into getting this project up and running! Michelle Burton CRIB Project Manager
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h Co tter
An outstanding opportunity In July, Parents Centre New Zealand was selected as a MediaWorks Foundation National Charity Partner. The Foundation works in partnership with charities to make a focused and meaningful contribution to New Zealand society. MediaWorks operates a wide range of familiar entertainment brands, including TV3, More FM, The Edge and RadioLive, The Rock and The Breeze. Kim Black, Funding Manager for Parents Centre New Zealand, is delighted with the announcement. “We are thrilled to have this opportunity to work with MediaWorks over the coming year, we look forward making good use of the mentoring and skills their team will bring to our organisation,” Kim says. Kim says that the partnership with MediaWorks Foundation will enable Parents Centres to raise awareness of the importance of quality pregnancy, childbirth and parenting education, and to launch a new programme targeted and focused on reducing child abuse, maltreatment and neglect. “Together we can work towards a common purpose of improving the lives of children in New Zealand. We will start at the source and change a generation,” Kim says. “We’re very excited about partnering with Parents Centre and supporting their strategies around pregnancy, childbirth and parenting education,” says Head of MediaWorks Foundation, Sarah Cotter. “The Foundation’s vision is that every child and young person in New Zealand has the chance to reach their
potential, and we recognise parents’ roles in achieving this. By offering education and support to expectant mothers, there is potential to make a significant positive impact on the next generation of Kiwi kids, and we’re very pleased to be a part of that.” Through their Partnership Programme, the MediaWorks Foundation aims to bring about lasting change and better futures for all kiwi kids by tackling the issues that some face. In order to drive this change, MediaWorks partners with charities like Parents Centres across the country that have projects that work to give the next generation a leg up.
“The influence of MediaWorks will help us achieve so much more for New Zealand families.” Kim Black, Parents Centres New Zealand “This is an exciting opportunity for Parents Centre,” Kim says. “The influence of MediaWorks will help us achieve so much more for New Zealand families, leveraging off our existing activities to offer more services, to more members and families, raise more funds and further build a sustainable 21st century organisation that continues to meet the needs of New Zealand parents for another 60 years.”
kiwiparent – supporting kiwi parents through the early years
The way we were An extract from The Trouble With Women: The Story of Parents Centre New Zealand By Mary Dobbie Published by Cape Catley Limited Wellington, when the Brews (founders of Parents Centres) arrived there in 1948, was experiencing an upsurge of liberal thinking in education. Dr CE Beeby, Director of Education, had provided a climate benign to growth and change. It brought together some vigorous and creative minds. Amongst these were Crawford and Gwen Somerset, he the originator of New Zealand’s first community centre, she the initiator of the first Playcentre. With Walter Scott, later to become the innovative principal of Wellington Teachers College, and others they were stirring new ideas into the educational mix. Gwen Somerset was already nurturing Playcentres in Wellington, patterned on her original centre in Feilding. Adult education was feeling its way into the new territory of family relationships with Lex Grey’s discussion groups for parents, while the New Education Fellowship, seedbed for educational change, was promoting the concept of education as a continuing, lifelong process. A new attitude towards mental health was abroad, soon to be manifest in the Mental Health Association under Ernest Beaglehole, and offering some kind of balance against the intractable conservatism of the health services. Then there was the Family Planning Association, which provided a forum for women of open mind and progressive thought, and a platform for those whose message might contribute to a more enlightened view of family living. The FPA would provide some of Helen Brew’s staunchest supporters. A generation of young mothers was being introduced to a new concept in pre-school education – the idea that play could be a learning process in which mothers had a significant role. For once they were being invited to do something other than raise money, to do something that involved their intelligence. Playcentres were challenging and attractive to many who missed the mental stimulus
of a job outside the home. Play therapy as a way to reach and treat emotionally disturbed children was newer still, but known to Helen Brew. She had seen to it that her speech therapy clinics in Hastings and Napier, where she had worked before her marriage, were equipped to offer this help to children with speech disorders. Helen was a willing speaker at women’s groups. Her easy manner and warmth, and her flair for establishing a personal rapport were happy gifts, but, more importantly, she had a message that women were ready to hear. In broaching the subject of childbirth experiences she tapped reservoirs of feeling not commonly given free flow. That motherhood could fall short of expectations was something few would admit to in public, for it could only be seen as a personal failure. If the expected joy and fulfilment failed to accompany the birth of a child, most women kept it to themselves. They loved the child and chose to forget the pain and disappointment. It was an immense relief to hear another speak of childbirth disappointments and especially so when that other was an appealingly healthy young mother of three, offering not a personal grievance but a new view of something they had all experienced – and might very well experience again. Here was someone saying that it didn’t have to be that way. Babies belonged in mothers’ arms, not in far distant nurseries. Women need not be alone in labour – their husbands could be beside them, a buffer against those starchy, intimidating nurses. Childbirth need not be frightening, women need not lose dignity, suffer humiliations…
Look for a short extract from this iconic book in each issue of Kiwiparent. It details the struggle women and men had to persuade hearts and minds to adopt a less medicalised approach to childbirth and child rearing in the 1950s.
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Find a Centre near you Parents Centres span the entire country with 48 locations around New Zealand. Contact your local Centre for details of programmes and support available in your area, or go to:
North Island Auckland Region 1
Bay of Plenty
Bays North Harbour
Auckland Region 2
East Coast North Island
Central Hawke's Bay
Auckland Region 3
East & Bays
Wellington North Wellington South
South Island Northern South Island Nelson Marlborough Greymouth Canterbury Region Ashburton Christchurch Christchurch South Timaru Oamaru Southern Region Alexandra Balclutha Dunedin Gore Invercargill Taieri
kiwiparent â&#x20AC;&#x201C; supporting kiwi parents through the early years
Each edition of Kiwiparent profiles one of Parents Centres’ renowned parent education programmes.
This month the spotlight is on:
Music and Movement Parents Centres ‘Music and Movement’ is a programme welcoming caregivers with their babies and toddlers to join in with a host of different musical activities. The programme includes fun with singing, musical instruments and action songs. It is run by enthusiastic leaders who interact personally with parents and children. Making musical instruments – such as drums, shakers, cymbals – and coloured streamers is something which may be included as an activity in the programme, depending on the age of children attending the group. Children are also given the opportunity to dance using props such as scarves and ribbons, lycra sheets, bubble makers, poi, balls and balloons. Hand-action songs and finger rhymes allow children to interact with other children and their caregivers.
Some groups include themes in the programme – such as a teddy bears’ picnic, inviting special guests, encouraging children to dress up in their favourite costumes and dance, or act out nursery rhymes or other favourite songs. The Music and Movement programme offers endless opportunities for a vast array of music and stimulating activities. Learning through play is a big part of the Music and Movement philosophy. Children enjoy immensely the sounds, the colours, the activities and the interaction, at the same time using up their energy in an active learning and happy environment. Contact your local Centre through www.parentscentre.org.nz for details of programmes running in your area.
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Back to work post baby
46 kiwiparent â&#x20AC;&#x201C; supporting kiwi parents through the early years
Your maternity leave is coming to an end. Even though you know it’s coming, making the transition back to work after taking time out to have a baby can be a wrench. Leaving your precious baby in someone else’s care is not easy and can put the most balanced parent through an emotional wringer. The key to things going as smoothly as possible is being well-informed and being organised.
Before you start work Start preparing a few weeks before you start back at work. If you can, try to go back to work late in the week, so your first week back to work is a shorter one. Finding dependable childcare that you feel happy with is crucial. Visit local childcare providers and facilities or make other arrangements, like engaging a nanny, au pair or investigate other in-home care options. Look for a safe, stimulating environment and qualified caregivers. Ask friends, neighbours and co-workers for recommendations – word of mouth can be very helpful. Check caregivers’ references and, most of all, trust your instincts. If using a daycare facility, put your baby into the new centre for a morning or two before your maternity leave comes to an end. This will ease them into it and make it less stressful for you trying to cope with your first day back at work and their first day at daycare all at the same time. If they’re distressed, you will be able to stay with them for a little while and help them adjust to the new location, rather than having to dash off to work.
TIP: for breastfeeding mums If you are breastfeeding you may want to start expressing extra milk to keep in the freezer a few weeks beforehand. This will store nicely for up to three months. Talk to your employer to clarify your job duties and schedule so you’ll know what’s expected of you. If you haven’t already done so, you might ask about flexible hours, working remotely from home or working part-time. Discuss your job – will it be the same as before you went on leave or have things changed since then? Make sure you know what will be expected of you when you return. Remember to try on your work clothes to make sure they fit – you don’t want to get a nasty surprise on your first day. Do a trial run to check you’re allowing yourself enough time to get yourself and the baby ready, drop them at childcare and arrive at work on time.
Thinking of going back to work? Return to Work is the seventh national programme offered by Parents Centres New Zealand and is proudly supported by Porse and Au Pair Link. It has been designed and developed to meet the specific needs of parents choosing to return to paid employment.
Return to Work offers a series of five sessions: Reviving your career with confidence Breastfeeding and returning to work
The Return to Work programmes are offered by Centres nationwide. Contact your local Centre to find out more information. www.parentscentre.org.nz
Early Childhood Education options Insurance and Banking A parent panel – to share experiences
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If you’re still breastfeeding, work out the logistics so you can continue to do this when back at work. You may need to express breastmilk during the day, so investigate places at work where you can do this and check there’s somewhere to store the milk. Remember to pack breast pads in case of leakage. If you are returning to work, your employer is required, as far as it reasonable and practicable, to provide appropriate breaks and facilities for employees who wish to breastfeed their infants or express milk during work hours. More information on these provisions can be found at www.healthed.govt.nz/resource/ breastfeeding-and-working. Consider buying or renting an electric pump that allows you to pump both breasts at once. About two weeks before returning to work, adjust your schedule at home so you’re pumping at least once each day and breastfeeding before and after your upcoming work hours. Have someone else feed your baby a bottle of breastmilk to help your baby adapt. If you have onsite or childcare facilities, work through the logistics of breastfeeding your baby during the work day.
TIP: Don’t try to do everything yourself. Accept help from others – your partner, family and friends. Remember you’re now doing two jobs and everyone will have to adjust. Accept help from your partner, loved ones, friends and co-workers. Speak up if you’re feeling guilty, sad or overwhelmed – there is no shame in asking for help or additional support. If you’re having trouble pumping milk at work or breastfeeding your baby at home, contact a lactation consultant or your local La Leche League for advice.
TIP: Pack your change bag the night before with extra wipes, nappies, changes of clothes, favourite soft toy or rattle, familiar blanket so that all you need to put in in the morning is your milk.
Once you’re back at work You will need to be super organised. Pack everything you need the night before. Have the baby’s bag for daycare sorted out and check your bag is also packed with everything you will need – phone, purse, breast pump, breast pads, access key, etc. Don’t worry too much if your baby gets upset when you leave them at daycare. This is only natural and it may take them a little while to get used to not having you around. It will not be long before they understand that you’ll be back again later to get them.
TIP: Get into the habit of cooking double portions so you can freeze half to help you through the week.
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Within days of starting at daycare many little ones get sick, because they’re suddenly exposed to a lot more children than usual and also a cocktail of germs. Make sure you have a contingency plan – will your partner, friend or a family member be able to look after the sick baby while you keep working? It would be nice not to have to take time off with a sick child when you’ve only just gone back. Whenever possible, try to get plenty of rest. This is easier said than done with a small child, but if you get to bed at a decent hour and have a rest in the weekends it will help to combat the tiredness you are bound to feel. Make sure that you set aside some “me” time. Whether it’s having a long soak in the bath, going for a walk, or having coffee with your friends, it’s important to have time out. Most important of all, don’t forget to enjoy quality time with your baby and the rest of the family.
Feeding routines vary widely from baby to baby. If you have any concerns about your baby’s feeding, health or other growth issues, get advice from your family doctor, Plunket nurse or other healthcare provider.
Get rid of the guilt Parents are good at guilt! Returning to work after maternity leave can pose emotional conflicts for mothers. Guilt that you’re leaving your baby. Relief to be away from your baby. Guilt that you’re feeling relieved to be away from your baby. Missing your baby.
Remember, there is no such thing as a perfect mother – or father. Working outside the home doesn’t make you a bad mother – and it’s OK to look forward to the challenges and social aspects of your job. However you balance family and work, aim to be present when you’re with your baby and when you’re at your desk. Above all, maintain a positive attitude. Tell your baby how excited you are to see him or her at the end of the day. Your baby might not understand your words just yet, but he or she will pick up on the meanings.
Feeling overwhelmed? Mums and dads can experience anxiety when they are expecting a new baby
50 kiwiparent â&#x20AC;&#x201C; supporting kiwi parents through the early years
Clinical Psychologist, Kerstin Kramar, responds to the concerns of parents who find the experience of pregnancy and birth to be challenging.
I am pregnant with my first baby – my partner and I tried for a number of years to get pregnant and he was so delighted to find out I was expecting at last. I thought I would be over the moon to finally be pregnant, but I think there is something wrong with me. I am worried all the time, I am so scared that I won’t be a good mother, or that I won’t love my baby as much as my partner will. I find myself crying on and off through the day – and I am not usually a weepy person. I don’t want to tell my partner how I feel because he is so happy, and I can’t confide in my family or friends because they all know how much we wanted this baby. I know I should be loving this pregnancy but all I feel is anxious and I am sure my feelings will transfer to the baby. How can I snap out of it? First of all CONGRATULATIONS on your pregnancy. From the experience I have had with families who attend my practice, I can say with some confidence that pregnancy can be difficult to begin with for some couples. There can be 1001 different emotions associated with this journey long before there are two lines visible on the pregnancy test: excitement, anticipation, disappointment, panic and bliss just to name a few common reactions. And when those magic lines finally do appear on the pregnancy test, they can set an avalanche of other emotions rolling. And that avalanche can get bigger and roll faster and faster as birth approaches, as well as during the first year after baby has arrived. After all, there is a lot your head needs to take care of and your body is going through the rages of hormone surges. Hence, all these different emotions are so very common – though strangely we are still hesitant as a society to talk about them. That, I believe, is the most important advice I can give you: talk, talk, and MORE TALK. Find others who will be good listeners and take you seriously – someone judging you or belittling you will not be helpful here. Your midwife or GP can be a great and non-judgmental source of support or they can refer you to more help if needed. There are many professionals who can support you through this time – counsellors, psychologists, support groups, and maternal mental health teams are skilled at helping women at this vulnerable time. They are trained to be a confidential, knowledgeable, and nonjudgemental source of support and you do not have to worry about unloading your anxieties with them.
Although a range of emotions are very normal during pregnancy, it is important to seek additional support if you are excessively worried, as long-term anxiety and increased stress hormone levels can get through to the baby. However, you might be surprised how many other women experience the same sort of emotions as you. So talking to others in similar situations or any woman who has had a few pregnancies can be very useful. You might even find that your partner has a number of anxieties himself and is also hesitant mentioning it for the same reasons that you don’t want to share your feelings – so making the first step can really pay off there. But be aware that all the thinking you are doing is proof that you are preparing yourself for being the best mother you can be for your baby and that will surely transfer to the baby – in a good way.
Why does anxiety matter? Since ancient times, scientists and philosophers have believed that the emotional state of the pregnant mother may affect her unborn child, and research over the last two decades has confirmed this. Maternal stress and anxiety during pregnancy can have both immediate and long-term effects on her offspring. Babies born to highly anxious mothers can have a temperament that is more difficult to soothe which may later relate to the child’s own emotional and behavioural regulation difficulties such as impulse control and attention problems.
How does this work? As there are no direct neural pathways between the mother and fetus, one possible mechanism is through stress hormones. When we are stressed, a series of chemical changes is set off in our bodies and brains, such as the release of cortisol and adrenaline. Normally, these chemicals help prepare us for danger and are important for our survival. However, if we are chronically stressed and anxious, these stressrelated hormones can remain high for too long and create havoc in our bodies. When a pregnant woman is chronically stressed or anxious, the baby may be exposed to unhealthy levels of stress hormones, which can impact the baby’s brain development.
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Practical ways to manage anxiety Practice saying “no”. Make slowing down a priority, and get used to the idea of asking your friends and loved ones for help. Cut back on chores – and use that time to put your feet up, nap, or read a book. Take advantage of sick days or vacation whenever possible. Try deep-breathing exercises, yoga, or stretching. Get regular exercise such as swimming or walking. Do your best to eat a healthy, well-balanced diet so you have the physical and emotional energy you need. Go to bed early. Your body is working overtime to nourish your growing baby and needs all the sleep it can get. Limit “information overload”. Reading pregnancy books, surfing pregnancy websites, and listening to your friends’ pregnancy stories are fine – but do not delve into all the scary things that might happen during your pregnancy. Focus instead on how you are feeling and what is happening to you now.
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Chronic or extreme maternal stress may also cause changes in the blood flow to the baby, making it difficult to carry oxygen and other important nutrients to the baby’s developing organs. In addition, chronically stressed mothers may feel overwhelmed and fatigued. This might impact their diet and sleep habits and consistency of prenatal care. If you are used to caring for others rather than yourself or giving 110 percent at work, making yourself a priority may seem unnatural or even selfish. But taking care of yourself is an essential part of taking care of your baby. Cutting down on stress – or learning how to manage it – makes for a healthier pregnancy, more settled baby, and a toddler who is easier to parent.
So what will help? Most importantly: self-awareness and talking about your feelings. This means taking an honest look at yourself and how much you have on your plate. How much of your day, especially time when you are not occupied, do you spend being worried? Reading about or talking to others about their experiences can be helpful in getting an estimate of where you are at. And talking to health professionals like your midwife, GP or Plunketline can also be very helpful. Research has shown that one important factor influencing maternal anxiety is the mother’s level of social support. Other protective factors may include: gaining some control of stressful situations, consistent prenatal care, regular light exercise, adequate rest, healthy eating habits, and avoiding alcohol, tobacco, and other drugs. To start, gently share your fears with your partner – even if they are about him. Chances are he is harbouring concerns of his own. Communicating openly about your
anxiety can help you both feel better. Turn to friends or family members for support, too. Other mothers-to-be are another source of support, as they are probably experiencing similar worries themselves. If you find you are extremely anxious or have a specific reason to be concerned about your baby’s health, make sure you talk to your midwife or your GP who will know about support services in your community.
I felt …nothing I attended the birth of our first child a few months ago. Everything went well and our son was delivered naturally. My wife was brilliant, and the baby is healthy and is developing well. I cut the cord and held him while the midwife looked after my wife. I looked into his eyes and I felt… nothing. If anything, I felt the whole birth process was alienating and a bit gross to be honest. I was expecting to feel that overwhelming love for my son, but all I felt was trapped into something I wasn’t prepared for. I can’t talk to my wife as she is loving motherhood and doesn’t really have time to do anything other than look after the baby – and I can’t talk to my mates, it’s not the kind of thing you share with others. How can I be a good dad if I can’t feel anything for my son? Well, I’ve always thought it’s funny how we expect to automatically fall in love with this little alien at
first sight. If we took a look at the animal world, it would not be very common for dads to instantly click with their infant – some even would see them as competition and eat them up! But evolutionary theory aside, experiencing a range of emotions is as common for dads as it is for mums. While a dad-to-be will not experience the same hormonal rage flowing through their bodies as the mum-to-be, the life changes that occur during pregnancy and when baby arrives can put a real spin on a man’s emotional and hormonal life. Also, it is not uncommon for dads to go into a bit of shock once the heightened emotional arousal of birth is over. The hormonal system may well be so depleted through all that adrenalin flow, that the oxitocyn (otherwise known as the bonding hormone) has not yet found its way to kick in and this can feel like emotional numbness. More often than not I hear from men that it took them up to three months and a lot of practice to fall in love with their baby. Those three months can be a confusing time and for about 10% of dads this can lead to a lot of sadness which, in turn, can result in postpartum depression which is now recognised as a condition also experienced by men. If not attended to early, paternal postpartum depression (PPPD) can affect up to 26% of new dads, particularly in the three to six months after birth.
Conscious parenting – want to know more? Check out upcoming programmes at your local Parents Centre: www.parentscentre.org.nz Browse through the resources here: www.skip.org.nz Join ‘Conscious Parenting’ pages and groups on Facebook Research online and read, read, read!
If not attended to early, paternal postpartum depression (PPPD) spikes to 26% particularly in the three to six months after birth. So be reassured, what you are experiencing is not uncommon; but unfortunately it is also not uncommon for men to struggle finding someone or somewhere to talk about these things. A number of dads in your situation have found the following advice useful.
issues to find a moment to talk to their partner. Sharing some of these difficult times can make your relationship even stronger. And as to whether you are a good dad for your son, I’d like to refer to John Wooden’s quote: “The best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother”. I might be biased in choosing this quote, however, it seems like you have a lot of admiration for your wife and you are thinking hard about how to be a good dad – and those things count a lot more than you might think.
Give it time, watch and listen
Kerstin Kramar PGDipClinPsych, NZCCP
Or like a dad once told me: fake it till you make it and don’t beat yourself up. Take your time to fall in love with this little being. Watching your baby, discovering what they look like, what they feel like, and what they can do are the best love ingredients. And talk to your baby; if you interact with your baby they will respond to you which will help you to bond. Take over one daily task (something like bath time) that allows you to have close time with your baby without being in a rush. You could also have some skin-to-skin time before they have a bath – lie down comfortably and undress your baby (perhaps leave a nappy on!) then undo your shirt and let your baby lie skin-to-skin on your chest. If the weather is a bit chilly, drape a blanket over yourself and baby but together you will generate warmth. Your baby will hear your heart beating and feel safe and protected.
Kerstin is a clinical psychologist. She lives in Wellington with her husband and three children aged one, three and thirteen whom she adores. They get her thinking about parenting babies and teens at the end of every day. She has worked as a psychologist with kids, teenagers, and families; special interest: general parenting, moral/empathy development of children/teens in foster care, attachment parenting, and autism.
Talk, Talk, Talk Find someone you trust to talk to. A friend who is a dad and has seen a few things can sometimes be just as helpful as a professional. If you feel more comfortable consulting an expert then your GP would be a good source of support and can put you in touch with counselling professionals or local support groups. Or if you would like to talk to someone anonymously you can contact the mental health foundation. However, I always encourage my clients who struggle with similar
54 kiwiparent – supporting kiwi parents through the early years
Find out more Mental health foundation www.mentalhealth.org.nz Anxiety New Zealand Trust www.anxiety.org.nz 0800 ANXIETY (0800 269 4389)
Perinatal awareness week 29 Oct – 4 Nov 2016 Are you OK? You are not alone. Many families are affected by a degree of anxiety, stress, postnatal distress or even psychosis. Raising awareness of perinatal mental health issues helps parents and their wider family to better understand the challenges they are working through which can be supported with many services available nationwide. Things you can do during awareness week:
Anxiety for Beginners: A Personal Investigation
Hold a buggy walk or picnic Organise an information evening about anxiety and PND Talk to our friends about PND and anxiety
By Eleanor Morgan Published by Bluebird Books for Life RRP$38.00 This is a comprehensive investigation into author Eleanor’s descent into the tornado that is known as anxiety, and her subsequent discovery of coping mechanisms to help her function. Her memoir is an excellent introduction to this disorder, partially for those who are acquainted with a sufferer, or to someone who believes they may be an undiagnosed sufferer themselves. Of particular interest is the extensive research detailed regarding many related mental illnesses, such as depression, post traumatic stress disorder and obsessive compulsive disorder, with accompanying personal stories from affected people. It’s also a fascinating read into the history and evolution of the understanding of mental illness, from the viewpoint of someone coming to terms with her own diagnosis and how it positions her in the modern world.
Share your story with others
“Practical and emotional support are both important and some friends may be better at one than the other. You may also find online support sites or forums helpful. It is so much better to get things checked out early than to wait and suffer.” Dr Sara Weeks, author of Mothers Cry Too – Recognising and coping with postnatal depression
As someone who is diagnosed as having an anxiety disorder it was, at times, a hard read – though the underlying reasons for my anxiety are different, the graphic and detailed descriptions of experiencing an attack were enough to trigger my own!
Perinatal Anxiety and Depression Aotearoa Championing well-being in our communities
I would not hesitate to recommend this book to someone who is interested in really understanding the thoughts of a person with an anxiety disorder or some similar condition. It helps to explain the point of view experienced by someone in the grips of anguish, whilst balancing that view with elements of self-deprecating humour and extensive research presented in layman’s terms.
Train – Equip – Connect www.pada.nz Facebook – PADA Perinatal Anxiety & Depression Aotearoa
Many people diagnosed (or undiagnosed) will have trouble verbalising their own very personal experiences – and this is a fantastic book to start your own journey toward understanding. – Name withheld
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Families struggle to
make ends meet
56 kiwiparent â&#x20AC;&#x201C; supporting kiwi parents through the early years
Continuing hardship for New Zealanders has seen record numbers of Kiwi families seek help from Pregnancy Help in the Greater Wellington area.
Ruby* has just had her second child, a precious baby boy. Ruby and her partner, although working, found there was no way that their low income would cover the additional costs of setting up for a baby. They were stressed and really worried how they would cope. This is a story that workers at Pregnancy Helpâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Greater Wellington branch hear many times a week. Sadly, it seems that the rising cost of living means that many Kiwi families are finding the added expense of a pregnancy and new baby just too much to absorb. During the past year we have helped more than 5,500 families. This is increasing around 20% each year. Of these families, about 900 have needed help with providing everything that their baby needed. Those remaining have used a wide range of the services, for example, clothing, a bassinet, advice, support, information or referrals. These families have been from all walks of life, but all have needed to get additional help and support throughout their journey into parenthood. Forty years ago, Pregnancy Help was set up to provide practical support to pregnant women who had little financial or family support and were frequently distressed by their pregnancy. They responded by forming a national group called Pregnancy Help. The need for non-judgemental, practical support and free access to information for mothers/parents and their families, has not changed over the past four decades. During this time, the Wellington branch has had many homes around the city. The current offices and drop-in centre are in the suburb of Tawa. This is a great family focused suburb made up of a wide range of New Zealanders. Since moving there in 2011, the organisation has seen the number of volunteers and community support grow.
What help is available? At Greater Wellington Pregnancy Help we offer a comprehensive range of care to families from the time that their pregnancy is confirmed, right through until baby reaches their second birthday. We also help the wider family with free clothing and household goods.
Continued overleaf... *Name changed to protect identity, permission granted to share their story.
Newborn baby: a lovely pack containing ALL essentials for the baby. baby clothing, including premature clothing if required. blankets and wraps toys bassinet bedding a four month loan of a bassinet safe sleeping advice. Three – six month baby: size 00 clothing toys blankets cot linen. Six – nine month baby: size 0 clothing toys cot linen. One year old: size 1 clothing toys cot linen Two year old: size 2 clothing Our drop-in centres also provide a safe place for struggling families to come and share their stories, which, in turn, allows us to develop a trusting relationship with our clients. This means we can work out how best to help them, their babies and their wider whanau. Here is what we can offer to all families who use our service: information advice referrals to other agencies support reusable modern cloth nappies access to breast feeding consultations. In addition to the this, there are other things we offer at specific stages through our drop-in centres: Pregnancy: maternity clothes smoking cessation advice access to birthing classes and other helpful education.
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New Hutt Valley outpost 2015 saw the opening of a long-planned outpost in the Hutt Valley. Through forming a partnership with the River of Life Church, the outpost is located at 774 High Street, Lower Hutt. With 30% of clients being located in the Hutt Valley, it can be hard for struggling families who do not have a car to get to the Tawa centre. Since opening in the Hutt, demand for Pregnancy Help services has increased to the point that opening hours have been doubled.
Help us to help other Kiwi families As Pregnancy Help is a charity we rely on donations and volunteers to achieve our vision. We have lots of ways in which you can help us to help other new parents in our community. Here are some ideas: Call your nearest Pregnancy Help branch and arrange to donate your: preloved maternity clothes baby clothes, baby bedding
toys nappies essential baby items knitting wool sewing supplies
For more information about Pregnancy Help check out our website pregnancyhelp.org.nz or join us on Facebook. To contact the Greater Wellington branch you can call (04) 232 5740 or email us at email@example.com www.facebook.com/PregnancyHelpWellington
fabric. Tell your friends, family and contacts about us, so that anyone who needs our help knows about our service. Volunteer to help your local branch with anything you enjoy, for example knitting, sewing or helping in the office. Like us on Facebook and keep up with what we are doing.
Do you need help? If you, or anyone you know, needs help we would love to hear from you! Look us up on Facebook, call your local branch or send us an email. It doesn’t matter what your circumstances are. We will treat you with respect, care and confidentiality, and support you in any way we can.
Sandra Scott Mum of two school-aged children, Sandra has been involved with Pregnancy Help for 10 years. A past member of the National Executive of Pregnancy Help, she helps to run the Greater Wellington branch. An accountant by trade, Sandra has been a CFO in public companies and currently runs a business with her husband. Sandra is passionate about seeing all Kiwi babies being given a great start in life.
Making it work
Parenting after separation 60 kiwiparent â&#x20AC;&#x201C; supporting kiwi parents through the early years
So you are separating and trying to work out arrangements for your children. This can be a challenging exercise, and it is important to know what your options are so that you can make the best decisions for your family.
First of all, there is a difference between guardianship and parenting matters. Guardianship is a legal status giving someone the right to help make big decisions for a child, such as where they should live and go to school. Parenting matters cover the day-to-day care and contact arrangements, which used to be known as ‘custody’ and ‘access’.
What the law says In New Zealand the Care of Children Act 2004 sets out how the Family Court should make decisions about these matters, and provides the backdrop for people to work things out between themselves. The first and paramount consideration must always be the welfare and best interests of the child. Of course this is not always easy to interpret and parents will often have different views on what will be in the best interest of their child, so the Act sets out the following related principles: A child’s safety must be protected, and they must be protected from all forms of violence (being physical, sexual and psychological abuse); A child’s care, development and upbringing should be primarily the responsibility of the parents and guardians; A child’s care, development and upbringing should be facilitated by ongoing consultation and co-operation between the parents, guardians and any other person having a role in their care under a parenting or guardianship order; A child should have continuity in his or her care, development and upbringing; A child should continue to have a relationship with both of their parents, and a child’s relationship with their family group, whanau, hapu or iwi should be preserved and strengthened; A child’s identity (including his or her culture, language, religious denomination and practice) should be preserved and strengthened. The reality is that these factors are balanced against each other differently in each individual case. For example, if one parent is unlikely to foster a child’s
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Creating a parenting plan A Parenting Plan details how you will look after your children after you separate. You can download a sample plan from the Ministry of Justice website that you can fill in or use as a checklist of things you may need to think about if you want to make your own parenting arrangements. The questions in the parenting plan can help you and your ex-partner focus on what you need to do so your children are cared for and have time with both of you You and your ex-partner can agree to review and change your parenting plan at any time to meet the changing needs of your children as they grow up. Reviews should be carried out every year or
cultural heritage then this could be a strong reason for them to spend more time in the care of the other parent who is better placed to do this. There are no standard arrangements that families should fit into. Therefore ‘50-50’, or ‘every second weekend’ may work for some, but not for all. What the care arrangements have been, or the ‘status quo’, is relevant but not determinative. Just because a child has lived with one parent for the last three years does not necessarily mean that this cannot change. It is important to consider the practicalities – work commitments, a child’s weekly activities, the distance between each home, how children will get to school – all the factors that make up day-to-day life. The care arrangements may also need to be varied over time as circumstances change.
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whenever your children reach a new stage in their lives. But if it’s been really hard for you to reach agreement and the agreement is working, it may be best to review it less often. Both parents should stick to the parenting plan as closely as possible, but be flexible if things change unexpectedly. After you’ve made a parenting plan, you can ask the Family Court to make it into a Consent Order so that if one side doesn’t stick to the agreement, the court can make sure they do. The court will try to help you reach agreement but, if this isn’t possible, a Parenting Order can be made by a Family Court judge.
A lot of people are under the impression that the Family Court “favours the mother”, but this is not true. The law says there is no presumption that a child should be placed in the care of someone because of their gender. If there are court proceedings, the child must be given an opportunity to have a say and any views they express must be taken into account. Of course, the age of the child is important here – whether or not they are able to express views, and how much weight should be given to them. A one-year-old child might only be able to express that they have a positive relationship with their parents, but a 15-year-old could have strong opinions. Sometimes people get caught up in the reasons why a relationship broke down and lay blame. However, someone’s conduct should only be taken into account if it is relevant to the welfare and best interests of the child.
It is important to keep children away from any conflict and to not expose them to the adult issues, including problems about financial support or the division of relationship property.
What if we can’t work it out? Processes for resolving disputes No matter what the care arrangements are, if you are a legal guardian of a child (generally this is the mother and father) then you should be consulted on guardianship issues. This includes things like travel within New Zealand or overseas, enrolment in a kindergarten or school, non-routine medical treatment and any changes to the child’s name. Guardianship usually lasts until a child turns 18 years old. In an ideal scenario, the family can discuss things together and make child-focused decisions without the need for lawyers or court proceedings. However there are various mechanisms available for resolving disputes when this is not the case. You can revisit the matter after attending the ‘Parenting Through Separation’ programme – this is a free parenting course that’s available all year around at locations throughout New Zealand. At the course, you’ll get practical advice to help you understand and manage the needs of your children following separation. The Parenting Through Separation course can also help grandparents and other family and whanau members who may be involved in caring for children. Once you have completed the Parenting Through Separation programme, you may go to Family Dispute Resolution (‘FDR’) mediation, negotiate via lawyers, have a meeting, or make an application to the Family Court – which is generally the last resort. How you make a court application, and whether you are able to have a lawyer represent you, depends on your circumstances. Unless there are issues of urgency or violence, you must have attempted FDR and attended
Parenting Through Separation courses beforehand. The idea is to encourage people to reach their own decisions about matters affecting their children. This is often better than leaving it in the hands of a judge who has only seen a snapshot of your family life. How you record the arrangements depends on your situation. You may find that an informal verbal agreement works well, or that you may need a more comprehensive Parenting Plan, or that you need the security and enforceability of a court order. Children can usually only be subject to parenting orders until they turn 16 years old, and can make their own decisions after that. Overall, it is important to keep your child’s interests at the forefront of your mind no matter what the situation. Finding a way to work together and focus on effectively parenting your children will serve everyone best in the long run. If that is not possible right now, then seeking appropriate support and advice can help prevent tensions rising and keep you on the right track.
Maretta Twentyman Maretta is a family lawyer at Morrison Kent in Wellington, specialising in child care matters, relationship property and contested estates. After graduating from the University of Otago, she practised in Auckland and London before moving to the capital in early 2016.
Parenting Through Separation courses and video www.justice.govt.nz/family/care-of-children/ parenting-through-separation/
Information about your legal obligations and rights The Ministry of Justice Helpline on 0800 2 AGREE (0800 224 733) www.justice.govt.nz You can also visit a Family Court which is listed on the website or in the blue pages of the phone book under Justice Ministry – District Court. Just ask to speak to the Family Court coordinator. Citizens Advice Bureau www.cab.org.nz
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It can be really distressing to witness the level of nastiness that can pass between brothers and sisters. “Sibling rivalry” is the formal term used to describe the normal squabbles among children in the same family. Every child craves the individual attention of each parent, and they lack the mental maturity to understand that a parent’s love expands with the birth of each additional child so that each child is loved equally. Each of your children compete with their siblings for your affections, and many fights that seem to be about particular issues are really about trying to get attention – even if it is negative attention. It’s common and normal for a child to wish occasionally that his siblings simply didn’t exist. These feelings may be intensified in stepfamilies, because children feel they are competing with the step-parent as well as step-siblings for attention. Most kids fight with their brother and sisters – and sometimes with their friends – so it is unlikely that you will ever completely eliminate sibling squabbles. But take heart, there are plenty of things you can do to help your family waka paddle more serenely through the water.
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SKIP tip: Think about their different personalities Differences in your children’s personalities can increase fighting. Exploring their individual temperaments might help you understand their behaviour better and find ways you can help to work out their differences.
Accept that your child has negative feelings. Anger, envy, resentment, frustration – these are normal and real feelings experienced between siblings. Respond to these outbursts by first acknowledging that you can understand how your child could feel the way they do and that you accept it. Try to suggest solutions only after your child has calmed down. Time alone with you is invaluable. Spend some time completely alone with each child on a regular basis. Aim for some daily focused time with each child individually – even if it’s only 10 or 15 minutes, it will make a big difference to their behaviour. Take turns picking the activity from a list you draw up together, or just sit and
snuggle. Whatever you do, give that child your undivided attention and really listen to things they have to say. Try to always give plenty of praise. Be ready to applaud individual achievements, great or small, and encourage all family members to behave this way. Every child does something well, so celebrate their accomplishments – whether it is remembering to put a lid on the felt tip or winning a race at kindy, it will be special to that child. Sharing is caring so set aside a regular designated time daily or weekly during which each child shares his successes and receives due praise from other family members. Dinner is the traditional time for family sharing, but if pressured schedules prevent this, set aside a time when everyone is free. This will teach your children to praise each other. Many sibling disputes are over territory, as one child disturbs another’s belongings or enters his space. Every child, and adult, needs a space exclusively theirs, no matter how small, and everyone in the house should respect the room, corner or desk set aside for each family member. It can be frustrating for older kids when younger siblings disrupt their play. Have toys and activities appropriate for their individual ages and stages – sort out some special toys so they don’t always have to share. If possible, help children find solutions to their squabbles themselves. Show your children how to calmly settle differences on their own, keeping their focus on problem behaviours instead of personalities. Help them learn the skills of active listening and mutual compromise.
want to do next – as long as it is not together. Acting on your warnings shows them you will follow through. Treat each family member with respect and settle disputes with fairness – your own behaviour is the best teacher of all. A united front is best, so both parents should discuss and agree on a consistent approach to sibling disputes. All strategies work better when both parents react to discord in the same way.
You will never completely eliminate sibling rivalry, but you can reduce its frequency and intensity. This benefits everyone in the family, now and in the future. Your children will find it easier to forge strong long-term relationships that can continue into adulthood, and you will enjoy a more peaceful home.
SKIP tip: Feed other needs Time for some kai? Hungry kids can be grumpy kids. Are they tired? Younger kids may need a nap. Older kids might need downtime, read them a story. Are they bored? Have they had one-on-one time with you today? What have you played together? Invite some other kids of a similar age to come over to play.
Teasing can be hurtful and even well-intentioned teasing can quickly turn into emotional abuse, and children can be deeply hurt by repeated teasing. Some people tease as a way of giving affection, but there are more direct and positive ways to show you care.
Walk the talk Violence is never OK so things like pushing, hitting, biting and other physical attacks have no place in a healthy family. Make sure you show your children how to find non-physical solutions to disagreements. If the fighting keeps happening, give them a warning that they’ll need to play separately if it happens again. If it does, act quickly and calmly, and firmly ask them what they each
SKIP tip: Try not to compare your kids Be even with praise and attention and try not to compare your kids – especially in front of them. This will only increase resentment and make them more likely to fight. Look for opportunities to praise and encourage their co-operative play.
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Know yourself Early intervention lowers the risk of breast cancer Taking care of your breasts is simple and it can make all the difference if you can identify problems early and take the necessary action. While the chance of getting breast cancer increases after a woman turns 50, women who have given birth are slightly more at risk of developing breast cancer within the first five years after baby is born. But having children at an earlier age and breastfeeding both reduce lifetime exposure to oestrogen. Although having a mammogram is the best way to detect breast cancer early, it’s important for all women to become ‘breast aware’ from age 20 and put in place a regular self-checking routine. Get to know how your breasts normally look and feel so you’re more aware of any changes.
Being breast aware Women who carry out regular breast self-checks become aware of what their breasts normally look and feel like, and are more likely to notice changes. Good places to check your breasts are in front of a mirror or in the shower or bath.
In front of a mirror (a) Place your hands at your sides and look for any changes (b) Place your hands on your hips and then press your shoulders and elbows forward – look for changes (c) Raise your arms and clasp your hands above your head – look for changes.
fingers firmly up into each armpit. Contact your family doctor if you notice any of these changes: a new lump or thickening, especially if it is only in one breast any breast pain that is unusual a change in breast shape or size any change in the skin of the breast such as puckering, dimpling, reddening or a rash any change in your nipple, such as a turned-in nipple, a discharge that occurs without squeezing, crusting, ulcer or redness. You are looking and feeling for any new or unusual change – a change that is different, not normal for you. Discuss any concerns you have about your breasts with your family doctor without delay but try not to worry too much – nine out of 10 lumps are not cancerous (benign); only one in 10 lumps is cancerous.
Is this a lump? Lumps can feel hard and irregular, or they can feel smooth. A suspicious lump is usually hard and irregular in shape – a bit like a raisin. It may be attached to the surrounding tissue or skin, so it doesn’t move around easily. A noncancerous lump feels more like a grape (smooth edges and more rounded); however, if you find any unusual lumps get them checked by your family doctor without delay. If you are still worried after your doctor has told you it is nothing to be concerned about, get a second opinion. The New Zealand Breast Cancer Foundation recommends you should always trust your own instincts.
In the shower or bath
Dads should check too
With the fingertips of your three middle fingers, use soap to glide over each breast. The way you check your breasts does not matter; there isn’t a right or wrong way. The main thing is to cover all your breast tissue, from just below your collarbone to under your breast, and from your mid-chest to your ribs at the side of your chest. Also, with each arm by your side, press your
Many people are unaware that breast cancer can occur in men. While rare, approximately 20 Kiwi men are diagnosed with breast cancer each year. Breast cancer in men is the same disease that affects women so, even though most of the available information is directed at women, the information that men need is the same, and the diagnosis and treatment for both genders is similar.
66 kiwiparent – supporting kiwi parents through the early years
One mums story At the age of 36 while breastfeeding our nearly one-year-old baby, I noticed a hard lump in my left breast. I tried to massage it out thinking it was a blocked milk gland but it felt a bit different to previous lumps – quite hard like concrete and a bit painful when massaged. I put it to the back of my mind as I had decided to breastfeed my daughter until she was one year old and thought I would deal with it once I had weaned her. After I had weaned my daughter and waited the recommended 12 weeks after weaning to allow the breasts to return to normal, my husband convinced me to go for my routine mammogram. They detected abnormally calcified tissue and booked me into a clinic that night followed by an ultrasound the next day. It was fairly obvious to me with some medical knowledge what was happening and the fact that the clinicians had encouraged my husband to come to the clinic with me indicated that the news was not good.
And so started the roller coaster of treatment for Susie – surgery, chemotherapy, radiotherapy, Herceptin. But finally, after many months of treatment, Susie has had a CT scan that was all clear. It’s now two years since diagnosis and I was given a 50% chance of the cancer returning within this time. I’ve returned to my usual 20 hours of work a week and feel that our marriage is even stronger than before.
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I still have nights when I lie awake worried about my kids growing up without a Mum and who my husband would marry if anything happened to me, but most of the time I am very positive. I love just ‘smelling the roses’ and have always been an A type personality used to ‘doing’ things rather than just ‘being’ so it’s quite a change for me for the better. Remember – yesterday is history, tomorrow a mystery. Today is a gift, which is why it is called the present.
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The NZ Breast Cancer Foundation is working towards a vision of zero deaths from breast cancer in New Zealand. That means pushing for new frontiers in early detection, treatment and support. This October, which is Breast Cancer Month, the NZBCF will be raising funds through its street appeal and other activities. To find out more, visit: www.takeaction.org.nz For questions about breast cancer, call the NZBCF nurse on 0800 22 68 773 or visit: www.nzbcf.org.nz
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A gift beyond price Letâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s talk about egg donation 68 kiwiparent â&#x20AC;&#x201C; supporting kiwi parents through the early years
This is a story with a happy ending. It ends with a family; a mother, a father and a son. I am writing it to express our unending gratitude to our beautiful egg donor. And I am sharing our story because we want you to help us to help the other couples desperately seeking an egg donor of their own, searching for a happy ending to their own story. On Tuesday 19 July 2016 at 2:05pm we welcomed to the world a gorgeous baby boy. He weighed in at 3.2kg and is absolutely perfect. His parents are tired and happy. We feel complete.
We are Babyhope and this is our story In July 2014 my husband and I turned 31 years old. We had been together for fourteen years and decided that we would dearly love our own little family. I came off the contraceptive pill and we started trying to conceive. At first, when nothing really happened, we just put it down to my body finding its rhythm after taking the pill since I was sixteen. But after three months I still hadn’t had a period and I was getting uncomfortable hot flushes – we knew something wasn’t right. We sought advice at a family planning clinic. They gave us all the usual advice about persevering but the doctor also arranged some tests for us. The tests showed that my Luteinizing Hormone levels were really high meaning that my body was desperately trying to release an egg but my Anti-Mullerian Hormone levels were incredibly low, meaning that there was a problem with my egg reserves. We were referred to Fertility Associates who confirmed the test results and gave us the devastating news that I have suffered Premature Ovarian Failure (when your ovaries stop working by age 40) and have no eggs left. I have gone through early menopause. This was such an unexpected shock and we felt that our future and the future of our family was uncertain. You probably have a ‘sort of plan’ of how you see your life turning out, and ours had just been taken from us. I remember breaking down on the floor of our living room, inconsolable, while my husband held and rocked me. We cried a lot in those first few weeks.
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An alternative plan Along with this terrible diagnosis Fertility Associates offered us support, in the form of counselling and hope – an alternative plan for our future. Luckily I’m otherwise healthy and a donated egg would give us a chance at becoming parents. This new journey wouldn’t be easy. In addition to the problems associated with IVF, we would have to find an egg donor. Egg donation is hard – it isn’t for everyone. There are tests, drugs and medical procedures to undergo and there is the psychological aspect to consider. Fertility Associates give support and counselling throughout but there isn’t a pool of egg donors in waiting. Right now there are around 100 couples in New Zealand who are looking for an egg donor. 100 desperate, vulnerable couples who need the help of another human to become parents. Demand far outstrips supply and we would have to find our own donor, so we set up our Babyhope page. We were looking for a very special woman to provide us with a beautiful selfless gift to help us realise our dreams and to make us complete as a family. In September 2014 we were lucky enough to be contacted by an angel who consented to be our egg donor. I’m just reading back some of the initial messages we exchanged as I write this and the tears are flowing again. We started to believe that this could be our new future. We had started on a new path. Our donor got in touch with Fertility Associates, underwent some tests and had some counselling. In February 2015 it was confirmed that this special woman would be our egg donor and we chose to meet her for the first time in the counsellor’s office at Fertility Associates. We had been chatting for months over Facebook but meeting really brought things home. I was nervous and jabbered, hubby cried but tried to hide it. Our donor was calm and steady. She reassured
How does egg donation work? You can donate eggs to a person or couple you know, or you can apply to a fertility clinic to donate eggs for strangers to use. You’re not paid for egg donation in NZ, but most of your expenses are usually covered. The fertility clinic you donate through will give you information about what you’ll be compensated for.
As part of the egg donation process, you’ll have:
To become an egg donor, you generally have to:
surgery to harvest your eggs.
be between 20 and 37 be a non smoker have a Body Mass Index in the healthy range agree to release identifying information about yourself to any children conceived from your eggs (this is a legal requirement).
70 kiwiparent – supporting kiwi parents through the early years
a number of blood tests ultrasound scans to check your reproductive system IVF treatment to stimulate egg production
You also have to have at least two counselling sessions. These are usually with a counsellor at the fertility clinic, and must include your partner if you’re in a relationship. You can choose to put restrictions on who can use your eggs. Find out more about the process from www.health.govt.nz
us that she was committed to helping us and that the baby would be ours and ours alone. We felt like the luckiest people alive that day. She is perfect.
Right now there are around 100 couples in New Zealand who are looking for an egg donor. 100 desperate, vulnerable couples who need the help of another human to become parents. In April 2015 we started our round of in vitro fertilisation (IVF). Our donor and I started taking drugs to prepare our bodies and we tried to relax and be healthy to give ourselves the best possible chance. I think the stats say that you have around a 40% chance of success from a round of IVF – which was a lot better than where we were a year ago.
Our donor gave us four eggs from her cycle – a gift beyond any kind of value for which we are immeasurably grateful. Those of you that have experienced IVF yourselves or supported friends or family through the process will know that the next few days are tough. The clinic called us the day after collection to say that two eggs fertilised overnight and were showing loud and clear. The next day the phone call told us that one of the embryos had survived the night and we were to prepare for a transfer on day three (ahead of the normal five day transfer). 10 days later we found out that the embryo hadn’t transplanted.
Devastated IVF of any kind is a roller coaster and keeping your emotions in check through it is a battle. Through the phone calls and the attrition we stayed positive as a couple and found a strength we had never tested before. Whatever the outcome, we were already a family. Things were made easier for us because before the first round our donor gave us a letter that said she would be happy to do a second round if things didn’t go as we hoped.
All couples go through a little bit of fear in those first few weeks but for us it felt like that was magnified by the fact that we had used our last embryo. So when we saw a tiny heartbeat on a scan at seven weeks I felt like I could breathe properly for the first time in a long time. We were discharged from Fertility Associates and gradually our fear of miscarriage was replaced with a mixture of fear and excitement about birth and parenthood. A wonderful feeling that has built over the last nine months.
We are unimaginably grateful to our donor. She changed our lives. She gave us hope. She saved us. And now here we are. I’m sitting on a hospital bed, a little sore and a little tired. Hubby is here with me being amazing. And we are listening to our son squawk and squeak, hoping we can get another 15 minutes before he wants to feed again. I have never been happier. Our son is the result of our love and strength as a couple, the technical skill of the staff and the generosity of a beautiful woman who showed us that humans are capable of the most selfless acts of kindness. We are unimaginably grateful to our donor. She changed our lives. She gave us hope. She saved us. The Babyhope Facebook page started as a way to help us find a donor. It turned into the story of our journey and allowed us to anonymously express ourselves so we could understand and manage our emotions. We have been overwhelmed by the messages of support that we have received through the page from friends, family and strangers. These people have all been part of our lives for two years now and we are grateful. Our doctors learned from the first round and made some changes for the second. In August 2015 our donor gave us 19 eggs! We were over the moon. 12 of the eggs fertilised and we were left with three viable five day embryos. Three chances and three reasons to hope. Our first was transferred fresh but failed to stick. The second was defrosted and transferred but again we weren’t successful. I confess that at this point I had lost hope. We had one embryo left. Only one chance to fulfil our dreams. It felt like our last chance. What if the doctor was wrong and there was another problem? What if the odds were just stacked against us?
A ray of light In November 2015 hubby sent me for a pre-transfer massage and I was happy and relaxed when our last embryo was transferred. 10 days later we received a thrilling phone call where we were told that I was pregnant. It was like a ray of light cutting through the fog of uncertainty that had surrounded us for almost 17 months.
72 kiwiparent – supporting kiwi parents through the early years
Now the purpose of Babyhope is changing again. We want to try and raise awareness of egg donation to try and help the other 100 couples out there to have the opportunity that we did. Please share this post so that we reach as many people as possible. Egg donation is not for everyone but we want people to know that it is a possibility – we want people to talk about it. Thank you for taking the time to read our story. Please tell your friends about us. Let’s talk about egg donation.
Find out more If you want some more information from the perspective of a grateful recipient couple then please message us through our page @nzbabyhope www.fertilityassociates.co.nz
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partners Why do we have strategic partnerships and alliances? As a not for profit organisation, strategic partnerships and alliances are essential to enable us to fund the work we do as well as provide resources and benefits to our Centres and, most importantly, our membership. When entering partnerships we ensure there is a philosophical alignment between our organisation and the company – we look at the benefit to ALL Centres in the form of products, resources, education and fundraising opportunities.
I’m thrilled to be working with Baby on the Move. They have been partners for a long time now. Their franchisees are parents, we know that many of them connect with our Centres at a local level, providing advice, information on car seat safety, high quality products and fundraising help. Taslim Parsons Social Enterprises Manager
Parents Centres New Zealand
A word from Baby On The Move Baby On The Move is a nationwide franchise company owned and operated by experienced parents. Both Directors Claire Turner and Fena Bavastro are parents and ex-franchisee owners. “Having children of our own, we are very aware of the obstacles that young parents may face with balancing financial interests and child safety. We are proud to work with Parents Centres New Zealand on a national basis and to present the opportunity to enable our franchisees to connect with Centres in their local area to promote child safety and high quality products to Parent Centre Members throughout New Zealand”. Baby On The Move’s main emphasis is on child safety and for this reason we provide a fitting and sitting session for our customers purchasing car seat restraints, and conduct car seat safety checks at Parents Centres events wherever possible.
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74 kiwiparent – supporting kiwi parents through the early years
Huggies online pregnancy and parenting The HUGGIES® website is about pregnancy and parenting. Check out features such as special offers, info on sleeping and settling plus hundreds of recipes and kids activity ideas! And it’s all free to HUGGIES® Baby Club members. Phone: 0800 733 703 www.huggies.co.nz
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Baby On The Move Specialists in quality, affordable baby products that you can hire or purchase new. Our qualified team can help you select the correct restraint. Plus if you hire or buy from us we will install your car seat for FREE! Stores nationwide. Phone: 0800 222 966 www.babyonthemove.co.nz
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My Food Bag Every week Nadia and her team of test chefs dream up exciting and nutritious dinner recipes just for you. We like to keep things simple, so every week (or fortnight) we deliver the ingredients and recipes right to your door. You just open your food bag and discover what tasty meals you get to cook and enjoy. Simple. Healthy. Delicious. www.myfoodbag.co.nz
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Mediaworks Foundation The Mediaworks Foundation works to positively change the lives of children and young people in New Zealand so they can reach their full potential. They partner with charities on inventive initiatives that support their objectives. 09 366 5919 www.mediaworks.co.nz
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The gorgeous Millie & Boris Collection is made from fine Indian cotton, hand quilting and 3D features is now available at The Kids Dept. www.thekidsdept.co.nz 16 Highbrook Drive, East Tamaki.
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Enter online at kiwiparent.co.nz and follow the instructions. Entries must be received by 5pm October 28, 2016. Winners will be published in issue 275.
Be in the draw to win a Little Nipper buggy from Baby on the Move
Win a beautiful breastfeeding package from Hotmilk
The Little Nipper is an ultra compact and super lightweight buggy weighing less than 8kg! With a quick fold and trundle mode it is the ideal buggy for any journey. With all the features of a full-sized buggy, and both travel system and carrycot compatible, a comfortable ride is ensured from newborn to toddler. It also comes complete with a fantastic two-year warranty. Buggy RRP $399
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These styles are the ones we tell everyone to have, it’s what you need in your hospital bag. The My Necessity Bra is a luxuriously soft, multi-fit bra, perfect for those first weeks after giving birth and for sleeping in, while the PJ pants and Harmony Top is super comfortable for around the house and getting up for those early morning feeds. Both items are a must have for all you wonderful breastfeeding mums.
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My Food Bag takes the hassle out of feeding the people you love. With fresh ingredients and easy to follow recipes delivered to your door. My Family Bag (RRP $165) delivers family favourite recipes designed for even the fussiest eaters. You’ll get five recipes that feed two adults and two – three younger children.
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80 kiwiparent – supporting kiwi parents through the early years
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The product The product most recommended most recommended by doctors for by doctors for pregnancy stretch pregnancy marks. stretch marks. Colmar Brunton, 2014 Colmar Brunton, 2014
“I got a lot of feedback “I got a lotwho of feedback from mums used from mums who Bio-Oil, so I startedused using Bio-Oil, so I started using it as soon as I found out I it as soon as I found out was pregnant. I’d use it in I was pregnant. the evening afterI’d myuse it in the evening afterwhen my I shower and then shower andput then when I woke up I’d it on again woke upextra I’d put it on just to be sure. I’dagain just to be extra sure. I’dI put it wherever I thought put itpossibly wherever would getI thought stretch I wouldAnd possibly get stretch marks. I actually got marks. And I actually no stretch marks at all. got no stretch all. Bio-Oil reallymarks did itsatthing.” Bio-Oil really did its thing.” Donnaleen with Ami Donnaleen with Ami
Bio-Oil® helps reduce the possibility of pregnancy stretch marks forming ® by Bio-Oil increasing the reduce skin’s elasticity. It should be applied twice marks daily from helps the possibility of pregnancy stretch forming theby start of the second trimester. For Itcomprehensive product increasing the skin’s elasticity. should be applied twice daily from information, and of trimester. clinical trials, please visit bio-oil.com. the start of thedetails second For comprehensive product Bio-Oil is available pharmacies andtrials, selected retailers the information, and at details of clinical please visit at bio-oil.com. recommended selling price of $20.45 (60ml). Individual results Bio-Oil is available at pharmacies and selected retailers at will the vary. recommended selling price of $20.45 (60ml). Individual results will vary.