jb’s 2cents T
he last month has been a complete blur but I’m pretty sure it was during a dinner meeting in New York, somewhere in between offcolor jokes about the kumquat martinis, that my favorite executive Denmark (who once introduced me as Pinky & the Brain, and I love him for that) asked the simple but profound rhetorical question that’s been sticking in my head ever since: “So, ninety percent of your job is basically figuring out who’s full of shit?” The more I mull over this in my head, yes, it’s true. No matter whether I’m listening to new artists who want to be featured telling me that they’re the next big thing, selling advertisements, booking artists for shows, or seeking sponsorships for the OZONE Awards weekend, it’s true. Ninety percent of my job (maybe even more than that) is figuring out who’s full of shit.
10 THINGS I’M HATIN’ ON PART 1
2. NICK CANNON AND HIS COUGAR! I don’t know about this one. I love them both, but I’m not sure if I love them together. He is so silly, but cute, and she is - well Mariah! - a bad, talented, rich I-N-D-E-P-EN-y’all know the rest - woman! What could she possibly need or want from that little boy? I guess when you get it put down on you, marriage and tattoos will follow. Dang, I need to get it put on me! Note to self: find some good, young love!
Cheesin’ Weezy in ATL
Me, The Jacka, & D-Ray @ his video shoot in San Francisco
Ike is afraid to see me on the basketball court
5. BaraCk’s pastor Jeremiah Wright No disrespect, but my mama always told me when grown folks are handling business, to shut up! I wish someone would have told Pastor Wright that! I understand his need to defend himself and his faith, but we are trying to get a BROTHER in the WHITE HOUSE! White folks can’t handle too much aggression from black folks, educated or not! High yella or not! Does the rest of the world need to know that his crew is so hood? No, not so soon! Pastor Wright, let that man handle his business and then you can do you! Sit your ass down; you’re about to cost him the race!
3. PEOPLE THAT SAY, “MY EX IS A GOOD MAN!” Well, why’d you leave that good man?
Me, Chamillionaire, & Trae @ Crisco Kidd’s birthday party in Houston
Fortunately, God has blessed us all with gut instincts, and the more we make use of our internal bullshit detector, the sharper it gets (just like gaydar, or big dick radar). Maybe I make it more complicated than it actually is. The first impression you get of someone is usually correct. No matter how many promises they make, if it sounds too good to be true, guess what? It probably is.
If the new guy seems too good to be true (cute, has a great body, has money, acts like a perfect gentleman, and says all the right things) he probably is, in reality, married with two children (it’s easy to look up marriage licenses these days; just Google it). His wife probably has a tracking device in his phone which she uses to hunt him down at women’s houses and assault them (yes, “assault” as in, a bail bondsman is involved) with brass knuckles. She might even drive one of his cars and smash it into his SUV (again) if she reads this. If a party promoter is promising a deal that seems too good to be true (four consecutive parties where you just show up and get half the money), chances are, after he’s wasted your time for a month and disappeared without sending contracts or deposits, you’ll find that he never even had the venues secured and was simply making empty, hollow promises that meant nothing. Similarly, if you’re asked to wire $18,000 to a personal account and it doesn’t seem quite right, it’s your own fucking fault when they disappear with your money. Bottom line, most “industry” folks are completely full of shit. If it doesn’t feel right, it isn’t. If it seems too good to be true, it is. Leave it alone. Walk away, because it’s not worth the time and energy and effort. Me, I want my life to be real. I want my relationships to be real and my friends to be real and my business to be legit, and if I put my word on something, I’ll do everything in my power to follow through. These values, especially in the music business, seem to put me in the minority. So if you’re one of the 10% (or less) who feels like me, just do yourself a favor: go with your gut.
4. THE INCONSISTENT WEATHER I won’t lie, I wear a weave!!! I love it because it’s easy to maintain and I’m always ready to kick it! It only becomes a problem when the weather is not willing to work with your girl. I bought some very expensive Indian hair, and apparently, it doesn’t rain where this chick was, because my hair swelled up like Sophia from The Color Purple. The worst part is, I had told my new dude that this $150.00/ounce hair was mine. I was tricked! Bamboozled! Now, I am in a tangled, matted, bad weave that cost me a thousand dollars, and I’m banned from the Korean’s store because I acted a fool trying to get a refund!
I read Into The Wild on a flight this month, a book about a guy who abandoned everything he owned, burned all his money, and hid out in the wilderness in Alaska. He died of starvation, of course, but that’s beside the point. I truly felt him on that. Sometimes this industry bullshit gets so bad that I fantasize about destroying everything I own and never seeing or speaking to another human being again, ever, in life; disappearing into the wilderness. JB is just the alter ego. The real me is anti-social as hell. I get too stressed out over people’s bullshit because I take it personally. If people would just say what they mean and mean what they say, we’d all be better off.
If a business proposition seems too good to be true (the promise of seven figures, or even eight figures, being wired into your account at any moment, from a major corporation), they will probably dangle the carrot in front of your nose for a good month or two, just to entice you, before having their lawyer send you over a lengthy contract demanding a large lump sum up front in addition to lots of other barely decipherable legalities. D-RAY
1. CHICKS THAT DON’T WEAR GIRDLES, SPANX, OR MASKING TAPE TO HOLD IN THOSE ROLLS! Skinny chicks, I’m talking to you too! Yes, I said “tape”! Yes, I have taped my problem areas! Don’t ask how I got out of the tape! I don’t advise taping, especially if you’re doing it yourself, but I will endorse the good ol’ girdle or spanx! The only problem with wearing a girdle is that it looks like you have on a girdle. If you need to just address a specific area, like the tummy (which most of us do), the panty girdle may be your answer. The problem is that you will almost always have the dreaded panty lines. This is never, ever cute! So, go to the store and get yourself a spanx! It’s like a thick pantyhose that’ll hold in all your problem areas and relieve you of any panty lines. Thank you Jesus!
by comedian Kiana Dancie myspace.com/kianadancie
David Banner’s birthday weekend
- Julia Beverly, firstname.lastname@example.org
Usher f/ Beyonce & Lil Wayne “Love In This Club Part II” Killer Mike f/ Shawty Lo “2 Sides” The Roots f/ Chrisette Michele & Wale “Rising Up” Jarvis f/ Ludacris “Pretty Girl” Beach 2 Da Beans “Her iPod” Carlos Cartel f/ Spark Dawg “Cokarobics” Team I.R.A.C. “Pants Saggin’” Phyzical f/ Jazze Pha “Who Let Em In”
email@example.com T.I. “No Matter What” Nas “Be a Nigger Too” Rapper Big Pooh “Smile” Pacific Division “Taste”
OZONE MAG // 13
Ozone Mag #67 - May 2008