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The Beauford Club Magazine

The Beauford Club

Spring 2016 Issue 105


The Beauford Club Magazine

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The Beauford Club Magazine

Contents 4 Committe members 6 Chairman –Dennis Murphy The joy of annual Insurance renewal 7 Annual General Meeting Agenda 1st May 2016 at Stoneleigh 8 Ovenden’s Offering Important updates from club secretary 13– 15 Show dates A selection of shows the Beauford Club will be represented at 16 Stoneleigh Map for 1st & 2nd May 18 Editor My latest Beauford maintenance 20 An unexpected surprise Derek Bracegirdle

Next edition David Cornforth’s Beauford

26 Nissan 6 Cylinder Engine options for your Beauford 28 And Finally Admiral Neslon circa2015

The club Facebook group membership page is free and available for all members to post discussions. To add yourself go to www.facebook.com/ groups/952781594781755

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The Chairman’s Page Dennis

My Beauford insurance is due in the middle of March and, after five years with the same firm and with the premium going up bit by bit each year, I decided to contact all the advertisers in the magazine and see if I could get a better rate. Some brokers have websites that allow you to get a quote online, while others need you to do it over the phone. One company’s website wouldn't accept the car’s registration number. It’s got an age related Y reg, which was issued after IVA in 2011. So I telephoned and was asked if the car was over 20 years old. When I said it wasn't, I was told that was the reason: they only insure cars over 20 years old. I thought it strange that they advertised kit car insurance in the club magazine and sent them an e-mail to this effect. I had a speedy reply saying that they do insure Beaufords and that I had been speaking to a new, untrained member of staff. I suppose the moral of this tale is that you shouldn’t believe everything you see online or even accept the first thing you are told. Eventually I chose a new insurer who included breakdown cover and also managed to save over £70, so time well spent. It’s now the end of March, the clocks have gone forward, and the sun is shining. The battery has been on charge, so all I’ve got to do now is get the Beauford taxed and then give it a good clean and polish. The MOT is due soon and I’ll take it back to the same local garage as last time. We did 2700 miles last year, but fingers crossed there’s nothing to worry about. The other day we were travelling on the M20 in our ‘other car’ when we overtook a Krispy Kreme delivery van. On the back in large lettering was a sign ‘WARNING!! NO DOUGHNUTS ARE KEPT IN THIS VEHICLE OVERNIGHT’. I look forward to seeing as many of you as possible at the Stoneleigh kit car show and AGM, which is now our main get together. Let’s hope for dry weather and less evidence of sheep than last year. Dennis

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The Beauford Club Magazine

Annual General Meeting AGM – 3.00 p.m. on Sunday 1st May 2015 at Stoneleigh National Kit Car show As mentioned in the last magazine the AGM is booked for 3.00 pm on Sunday 1st May and just in case you did not see the Agenda for the AGM—here you are again ANNUAL GENERAL MEETING AGENDA

1. Minutes of the 2015 Annual General Meeting to be approved 2. Chairman’s Report 3. Treasurer’s Report 4. Secretary/Membership Secretary’s Report 5. Editor’s Report 6. Webmaster’s Report 7. Election/Resignation of Committee a. Chairman b. Treasurer c. Secretary/Membership Secretary d. Editor e. Web master f. Committee Members 8. Club Activities – different shows to attend 9. Club facilities (improvements/changes) 10. Any other business If there is anything specific you would like added to the Agenda then please let Liz know

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The Beauford Club Magazine

Ovenden’s Offering Liz I have just looked back to see what I wrote about this time last year and the first thing which struck me was that I mentioned we had just come back from our annual February/ March trip to warmer climates. The time just seems to have gone so quickly this year that by the time we thought about booking something up it was too late. As we seemed to have so much to do at home I did not really mind, that is, apart from when it got really cold and damp and my bones really do not like it. However, once the sun comes out I am happy again and I'm pretty am sure my titanium knees shrink in the cold weather (wish the rest of me did) and this causes them to ache. A couple of weeks ago we did have some lovely weather and I spent two or three days in the garden having a clear up. I even managed to build the dry stone wall/rockery which I have been wanting to do for ages but had not got round to it, and must admit I’m very proud of it now it’s finished. At about the same time we had a phone call from Storage World asking us if we still wanted to keep our container as they had noticed that there was no padlock on the door. We confirmed that yes we did, which they should know as we pay by standing order the rental every month and if we had decided that we did not want it then we would not be paying this. Storage World is a gated area with a keypad which you have to tap in the code to get the doors to open. It also has CCTV on the premises which are monitored during the day and I believe there are guard dogs in there at night and yet someone still managed to get in there and break open our container.

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The Beauford Club Magazine

As this is where we keep the club trailer we were a little concerned about what we would find when we went over so early the next day. We headed over to the container site and it was with some trepidation that we drove up to our container and wondered what we would find. There was a new padlock on the door, put on my Storage World following our phone conversation which meant we could not look inside until we got a key. A quick inspection of the door showed that an angle grinder had been used to cut off our padlock. A quick phone call to the owners and they came over straight away with a key. On opening the doors we were much relieved to see that all was as we left it. The club trailer was intact with its doors locked and the tow bar hitch also locked. We also keep our own trailer in the container and this we put along the front of the club trailer so that anyone who has the urge to break in would have to move our wooden trailer first which is parked at a side to side angle, also with the tow bar hitch locked.

What a relief. I think that perhaps whoever broke in was hoping to find something which could be taken and sold easily for quick cash. Storage World have promised us that they will arrange to have a metal box welded onto the door which will stop anyone from coming back and breaking in again, but meanwhile they have, using a fork lift truck, put a very large block of concrete in front of the doors and when we need to get the trailer out, if we give them a ring they will move it for us. I really could do without this sort of excitement!

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Beauford Cars Just before Easter I had cause to contact David Young but could not get through on the mobile so sent him an email with my query. He did come back to me to say that we was away for 11 days and after that he would be going into hospital for heart surgery, but did not say what. I have tried to ring him since but can get no reply so I assume that he is currently in hospital or recovering. He did say that he was seriously thinking about retiring and selling the business as he was currently only working three or four days a week. If he has had to undergo heart surgery then he will definitely be off for a while and I have sent him a message wishing him good luck and saying that I hope all goes well for him. However, this will mean that there will probably be no contact with him for a while, so in his absence please let me know if there are any problems we can help you with. SUBSCRIPTIONS At the time of writing this I have received about half of the subscriptions all of which were due on the 1st March and thanks to those of you who completed the standing order forms which made my life a lot easier. To those of you who have not yet paid I am reminding you now in with this copy of the magazine. Subscriptions are due on the 1st March every year and strictly speaking I should delete listings from the wedding page for those who have not paid by the 1st April. This will be the last magazine you get sent if you have not paid up. Once again, If it is easier for anyone who uses internet banking to pay their subscription directly into the Club’s bank 10


The Beauford Club Magazine

account then the club’s bank details are as follows: HSBC Sort Code 40-39-11 Account No. 82095203 As a reference please use your name and membership number – thanks. Although we do have a Paypal account I would prefer it if only our non UK members use this as Paypal do like to charge. However if you are an overseas member then this is probably the easiest way to pay. The club’s address is as follows: payments@beaufordclub.org.uk

Please also note that if you have sent me a cheque I do tend to hang on to them until I have a goodly amount and then take them to the bank, so please do not cancel your cheque if it has not been paid in. If you have received your membership card then I have received your cheque. Unless you renew your subscription this will be the last magazine you receive. FORTHCOMING EVENTS Kit Car Show, Stoneleigh Sunday and Monday 1st and 2nd May Inc our Beauford Club AGM Sunday 1st May at 3.00 pm – usual venue Motor Show, Ragley Hall, Alcester, Warwickshire Monday 30th May

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The Beauford Club Magazine

London to Brighton Kit and Sports Car Run Sunday 5th June Cholmondeley Pageant of Power Malpas Cheshire Friday to Sunday 10th -12th June Classic, Kit and Retro Action Day Castle Combe Circuit, Wiltshire Saturday 25th June Powderham Classic Car Show Exeter Saturday and Sunday 9th and 10th July Details of this show can be found at www.historic-vehiclegathering.info. Classic and Vintage Transport Rally, British Ironwork Centre, Oswestry, Shropshire Saturday 16th July Kent’s kit, custom and American Car show, Aylesford Priory, Kent Sunday 24th July Peterborough Classic and Vintage Show Saturday and Sunday 3rd and 4th September NATIONAL KIT CAR SHOW, STONELEIGH 1st and 2nd May (Bank Holiday) This year at Stoneleigh we have been given the same pitch as last year, which was in a very good location opposite the entrance to Hall 3 (cattle sheds), just off Avenue M. In this magazine ( page 16) there is a map of the Stoneleigh showground and I have marked on it where we are.

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The Beauford Club Magazine

As you come in the main gate just carry on straight ahead along Avenue M until you get to 6th Street which runs down the front of the cattle sheds/Hall 3 on your right, and there we will be. Tony and I will bring the Club trailer to the showground about 3.00 pm on Saturday 2nd May so if there is anyone who can come and help us set up it would be very much appreciated. On Sunday morning Ken Price has agreed to cook breakfast – bacon and sausage sandwiches, but I must stress that he will not be spending all morning cooking so breakfast will close at the latest by 11.00 am. There will not be a cooked breakfast on Monday. As usual we will supply tea and coffee all day plus lunch (cold meats, salad, etc) at about 1.00 prior to the AGM which is booked for 3.00 p.m on Sunday and I really would appreciate it if any member who comes for lunch spares an hour of their time to attend the AGM as apart from needing a quorum we also like to have feedback about how members think the club is doing and any suggestions for improvement. I am never sure how many cars will turn up on Monday but always welcome those who do. Lunch will consist of salad and stuff left over from Sunday, and there is always plenty. Normally about 3.00 ish, after lunch we start to pack up and it really would be appreciated if anyone there on that day could kindly help us pack up. It really is too much for two or three or even four people to do and a couple of extra pairs of hands makes it so much easier. POWDERHAM RALLY, NR EXETER – 9th and 10th July 2016 I have now received details for this historic vehicle gathering and last year they raised £10,000 which was donated to various charities via The Giving Machine.

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The Beauford Club Magazine

This year they are encouraging people to attend in period dress relating to the age of your car (or the representative year). Apart from the usual display of vintage and classic cars there are trade and auto jumbles and craft stalls, children’s entertainment, refreshments and food outlets. I will book the Club a stand again this year. The entrance fee is normally £5 to cover the cost of one vehicle and two people, but if anyone would like to attend this event, then the club will cover the cost of the entrance fees. However, I must know by the end of May if you would like to come so I can get the booking form off in plenty of time. CLASSIC AND VINTAGE TRANSPORT RALLY, The British Ironwork Centre, Oswestry, Saturday 16th July This is a show in its second year and is organised by the British Ironwork Centre just outside Oswestry in Shropshire, The venue incorporates inside display and shop areas while outside is a vast landscaped area which is festooned with spectacular metal sculptures. Entrants to the show has to be pre-booked and cars can be parked around the various sculptures on the fields. In order to take part you need to register your interest at www.britishironworkcentre.co.uk In return you will receive a commemorative plaque, a union jack bow tie (which must be worn on entry) plus vouchers for a free lunch. A £3 donation per exhibitor is appreciated with all funds going towards the local Hope House Children’s Hospice. Sounds like a nice day out if anyone is interested.

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The Beauford Club Magazine

PETERBOROUGH CLASSIC AND VINTAGE VEHICLE SHOW Saturday and Sunday 3rd and 4th September This will be the third year of this show which has been organised by one of our members Paula Thacker MBE, and a former Mayer of Peterborough. As this show takes places within walking distance of the centre of Peterborough it is a good opportunity to enjoy both the show and the city itself. There will be cars, motorcycles, engines, commercials, tractors, horticultural, ex-military, vintage caravans, live music, refreshments, funfair, arts and crafts etc and all proceeds will be in aid of East Anglian Air Ambulance and Pancreatic Cancer Research Entrance is free but you do need to register your car and this can be done at http://svy.mk/1FXCCXo. This is an online form and can be completed and the send button pressed. However, if you could let me know you are going it would be appreciated.

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The Beauford Club Magazine

The Editor Owen Copeland I can safely say that the last few weeks have been very busy. I've had some contributions (but always wanting more) for the club magazine including an extract from a piece that Derek Bracegirdle has provided featuring on page 20 in this magazine. It was difficult to try & edit due to his writing style so it appears as written. If you would like more from Mr Bracegirdle then he can be reached at BBS books www.bbsbooks.co.uk I was asked to get this latest magazine ready in time for the Stoneleigh Kit Car show –where The Beauford club will also gather for its AGM 2016. I had been hopeful to attend the show & meeting weekend but sadly I have a Wedding to chauffeur. To make my life even harder I finally managed to get a couple of weeks for one of my cars to be off the road for some paint work TLC and a swap of the dashboard set up too. It does however happen to be the car I need to use for the 1st May. Feel free to contact me through Facebook to see just what I had been up to with our “Rosie”. I've also had my hands full with MOT’s too. My self built Beauford Phoenix had been resting for December & January. I reviewed all of the expected inspections that she would endure & thought all was ok which she was right up to the last part of her MOT –the handbrake. For all former ford Cortina owners who know that the “self adjusting” rear shoes rarely work after years of use & resting this should come as no surprise & I too only expected that the adjuster had seized until I removed the rear drum. The horror inside was axel oil ! My bearing oil seal had given up & had contaminated everything inside the drum.

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Dealing with this isn't really too bad if you have the right tools including slide a slide hammer & hydraulic press, Sadly the press is a luxury I don't currently own so “drifting “ it off & back on again will have to do just like I used to do in the good old days when cars were as simple mechanically as a Beauford is now. Doing this job led me to inspect the differential & other driveshaft too and thankfully no additional work was required apart from topping up the dif oil. I did however insect the prop shaft where I apply grease at service intervals –the universal joint seemed very loose so off it came. This very quickly showed the problem that one of the cups on the UJ had shed its needle rollers and a replacement was the only option. This picture shows the extent of the wear verses a new universal joint. With everything back together & new brake shoes fitted too Phoenix had her MOT re-inspection & passed with flying colours. I am sharing my experiences with you to highlight that owning a Beauford comes with a responsibility. Most of these cars are built with parts from donor cars from the 1970’s 80’s & 90’s and as such require constant attention. Today's modern cars come with ( in my opinion) too many computers that monitor too many moving parts. When something is wrong the car provides error codes & usually leads to a part being thrown away & replaced with a new one. Our Beaufords however don't do this. If like me you built your car then you understand it but for those who had it built for them –please remember that the annual MOT shouldn't be treated as “all is well” . Look after your Beauford and she will reward you with years of driving pleasure 19


The Beauford Club Magazine

An Un-expected Surprise One day I am standing in my outer office looking out of the window, when a vehicle enters onto the premises, through the gates. Because I hold the opinion that I am supposed to be familiar with most cars on the road, I am surprised seeing a car to which I am not able to attach a name. Initially it has the appearance of an older type of vehicle similar to the Gurney Nutting Phantom Continental which father had inspected in London, complete with travel trunk on the back. Definitely the car has my attention immediately but, before I have the opportunity of further investigation, it vacates the premises, leaving me confused. Within a short time, purely by chance, when returning the family back to school, I pass a similar, if not the same car, parked outside a ‘pub’, making me determined to stop on my return home, if the car is still parked on view. Good fortune has it that the car has not moved from its position outside the Pub prompting me to stop, seek the Landlord who introduces me to the owner of the car and his wife. The conversion completes the picture in full and the couple obviously have a keen interest in the Beauford make, generally, which is the name of the car. They give me the impression of, perhaps, being the owners of the make. They are extra keen on the full history and I gather that Arthur makes the model, some four per year, for despatch to London. Prior to my departure I realised that in a short time I have acquired as much information as I can formulate for one evening.

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It is obvious to me that this make of vehicle has inspired my interest sufficiently to expand the subject to the next stage. The next stage is more knowledge on the kits available for home assembly, taking me back to the procedure offered by Lotus when they, firstly, offered the Elite in kit format. In their case the itemised photograph of all the parts looking relatively straight forward. However, never did I convince myself that I am capable of this mammoth task, although I do make it my business visiting Up Holland, in Lancashire the Company’s location. The visit re-acquainting me with the couple I had met near Leek in Staffordshire, Arthur and Janet, from memory, Again, especially Janet, she is most attentive and helpful. I uplifted all the kit information and retired to contemplate and try making a decision. Quickly, as expected, my interest is increasing although I do make time visiting the ‘Royal’ premises, in Preston, and sampling their limousine which is based upon the Jaguar saloon. Indeed a good looking car and well made but I remember there seemed to be more hustle and bustle than action from the engine. Also, whilst there I closely inspect the ‘Sabre’ an attractive two seater sports car, made by the same people. Prior to this interjection I had been to the Stoneleigh car show with two of my close friends and Terry had been ‘taken’ with the ‘Royal’, Peter was un-decided whilst I had spent time on the Beauford stand where, for the first time, I see the Nissan Laurel, straight six engine fitted to the Beauford. The engine could have been made for the Beauford so exactly does it fit under the bonnet. Probably it convinces me that this is what I have had in mind for now a while! If I had made a decision the outcome did not materialise quickly because I remember re-visiting the ‘show ground’ again when a customer’s car was the centre of Beauford’s attraction. Also, I visit the premises of Arthur and Janet, near Leek testing their Sabre sports car which was on the market which, fortunately, did not muddy the waters’ and 21


The Beauford Club Magazine

confuse me. I seem to remember that on that visit I am surprised seeing that a ‘Royal’ has taken the place of a Beauford in Arthur’s activities: indeed times are changing! Searching for a ready made car, I realised, is not going to be easy but perseverance usually does reap rewards if patience is applied and, sure enough, what I had in mind appeared in the appropriate magazine – a car in the Eccles area of south Manchester. A visit is arranged and after protracted negotiations, mostly because of my hesitancy, and a deal is struck: we call at the Trafford Centre for a celebratory drink, finalising the occasion. Upon collection, once home, I spend time adjusting the steering wheel and both door mirrors to my liking together with more than one personal adjustment. Nothing occurs quickly as I remember father’s search for his car. I book a visit to Up Holland, the head quarters of Beauford Cars, which by now had been acquired by the new owner, Mr. David Young, which may have had some impact on the change of make from a Beauford to the ‘Royal’ at Arthur’s location near Leek? A few, minor adjustments were attended to most efficiently by David who, ultimately moves his Empire to Biddulph, Staffs, not a million miles from Leek. Always he has attended to my business and requirements most satisfactorily as an honourable man, which he is, together with his assistants, especially Paul and his lady wife Jayne in her Emporium! I am pleased that I had made it a priority ensuring that the addition to my property had included adequate space for my new acquisition so that, each night, she is locked securely under cover. Unfortunately, a problem occurs whenever the Beauford is outside for the night, on occasions when we are away from home. If raining or damp inevitably starting is most difficult if not impossible and I remember visiting Silverstone and the AA man saying that the straight six Laurel motor is not good in inclement weather. How true he is because I am afflicted in the Lake District, when a hair dryer, 22


The Beauford Club Magazine

fortunately, came to my rescue, in Devon, and precautions had to be taken by removing all the plug leads, and ancillary wiring for safe storage over night in the hotel at Weymouth prior to boarding the ferry to Guernsey. Another time in the Cotswolds when a new coil was fitted trying to cure the trouble. It did not. At least twice I am returned home on the back of the AA transport but not always because of the damp. At least twice it was because some Muscovite had deposited iron filings into the petrol tank which was cleared at the new Biddulph premises. At the same venue a reconditioned starter motor was supplied and fitted. Similarly, the front passenger seat was vandalised with a knife, encouraging me to have red leather upholstery made for all the seating. Not only do Rolls Royces attract the demented citizen who are enjoying all the benefits supplied to them so generously! One accessory I was keen to enjoy was a full tonneau cover when the hood is stowed. We arranged to have the work done by Beauford’s original hood maker but he proved to be particularly inept. After all the arrangements and my Petal attending near Wigan, for my return home, the artisan informed me that he had not been able to obtain the desired material which, apparently, was sourced from Germany, leaving me most definitely dis-pleased. I did have the work done locally but, again, I was not too happy initially, and I even returned to the local garage intending to up-lift my car, prior to the commencement of the work, only for the artisan to adopt a much better disposition persuading me to leave the car with him. He had a contract repairing aircraft seats and when summoned he had to make haste to Ringway airport and re-furbish the aircrafts’ upholstery. Multiple times he cancelled me, at the last minute which, also, contributed to my hesitancy. It did not take another Eastern European long to apply his hot cigarette to my new tonneau cover! I improvised with a three pieces (for storage) rod, from scuttle to hood which I fit under the cover forcing the rain to drain away from the zip which use to allow the standing water to ingress into the car’s interior. 23


The Beauford Club Magazine

A hard top was added to the accoutrements which is in use each winter, with the adding luxury of the internal light. It was purchased in black which entailed changing to ‘Old English White’ by a Potteries artisan who excelled in his efficiency. Our local garage has added to the car’s up-keep, from time to time, including, eventually, rectifying the poor starting. I had a contact with a Mr. Duncan at Z farm Auto Electrics who both recommended and supplied a new ‘magic-eye and amplifier to the electrics and together with the fitting of new plugs, the starting is equal to a Rolls Royce, In passing, our local garage had a similar task of rectifying similar bad starting on a local friend’s vintage Rolls Royce, taking the garage man longer than my experience and he regaled me with his story of the car’s bad handling whenever he was called upon to drive the car, suggesting to me that Beauford’s road holding is far superior, compared with the older Rolls Royce. This little anecdote perhaps consoling me with the opinion that I had made the correct choice of vehicle especially when I am called upon renewing the steering rack, and prop- shaft, reminding me that these parts must be substantially cheaper than if supplied by Rolls Royce in Crewe, convincing me that I have done well selecting the Lancastrian car, sporting multiple ‘Union Flags’

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Badges supplied by Derek Bracegirdle and available at the Stoneleigh Show weekend or by post contacting Derek at www.bbsbooks.co.uk

The new car Plaque is 6”x 5” in size on self adhesive vinyl in red and sold in pairs at £12 for the two including P & P.

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Nissan 6 Cylinder Several versions of the Nissan L series engines have been produced from 1967– 1986. The 6 cylinder L24 was produced from 1969 –1984 and is a good choice for the Beauford builder to replicate the steady pulse of a Lagonda straight –6 engine. The L24 was typically installed in the Datsun 240Z and has been modified by enthusiasts over the years to increase the standard maximum claimed BHP of 151 and torque of 146 nm This engine was originally fuelled by a pair of SU carburettors with some only fitted with a single side draught SU Carb. These provided ample performance for the era but poor care over the years of an SU carburettor meant poor returns so many carburettors have been fitted to increase reliability & performance. A firm favourite for modifiers is the Webber DCOE units. Triple Weber carbs offer an unparalleled experience, with throttle response and mid-range torque being second to none. The first thing most people notice when they go to multiple Weber’s, beyond performance and appearance, is the ability to finely tune, or dial in the induction system.

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Upgrading the fuel supply is only the beginning. Standard fuel pumps were changed from the mechanical units that created drag on the cams to electric pump supplies at constant pressures, ensuring a steady supply for all driving styles. Exhaust upgrades, including manifold changes for better gas flow all add to performance. Before considering anything along the turbo route, an L24 engine would need a full rebuild and a reduction in compression. The L28 is more capable variant for adding a turbo. The options for fine tuning any engine for better performance are only limited by the size of your wallet but not everything that costs more will give more back. Even a basic rebuild of an old block and re-skim, regrind & rebuild of the cylinder head will return some of the performance. If money isn't an obstacle then changes to camshafts, valves, springs, rocker arms, pistons, crank, distributors, coil, flywheel, ..........all before considering what transmission, clutch & differential to transfer the power to the road wheels. In this & the last 2 editions of the magazine I have covered the 3 engines that are in my four Beaufords and some of the basic tuning options available. Over the years I have owned & maintained every car I ever had I have used some of these tuning modifications with great success. I have not gone into much detail –hoping that these articles would lead to feedback from members for future discussions & articles, so contact me at editor@beaufordclub.org.uk

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And Finally RE-RUN OF THE BATTLE OF TRAFALGAR 2015 Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy. Hardy: "Aye, aye sir." Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?" Hardy: "Sorry sir?" Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?" Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist." Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco." Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments." Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle." Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking." Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ........... full speed ahead." Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water." Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please." Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir." Nelson: "What?" Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected." Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy." Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral." Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd." Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled." Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card." Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did.. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency." 28


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To Advertise here Contact Liz.ovenden@beaufordclub.org.uk

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