Page 3: Police seek pair of homicide suspects
Over Easy, Please Volume 3, Number 17
Fort Saskatchewan, Alberta • Friday, February 15, 2013
Are you an armchair mayor? P. 2
Secret documents revealed by AFL P. 6
RCMP STAFF SERGEANT MOVING ON
Get Out and “Unplugged” on Family Day Twenty two municipalities in the Capital Region have joined together to encourage residents to unplug on Family Day, February 18. Everyone is asked to disconnect from technology for the day in order to reconnect with family, friends and community. Go for a walk, gather for a board game, eat dinner together or play in the snow.
Fort Saskatchewan RCMP Staff Sergeant Dwayne Rawson (L) chats with OEP Columnist Brian Mason (R) at the First Mayor’s Tea, last September. Photo: Reece Sellin
Chief of Fort Saskatchewan’s RCMP detachment headed for Westlock By REECE SELLIN firstname.lastname@example.org
the local force for nearly six years.
As predicted by OEP in an article at the beginning of this year, a major change will soon be occurring at the RCMP’s Fort Saskatchewan detachment.
Rawson was promoted to his current position in June of 2009, when he replaced then outgoing Staff Sgt. Chuck Jackson.
OEP has learned that current Staff Sergeant Dwayne Rawson will be leaving the local detachment to take up a similar post in Westlock. Rawson has been a part of
Cops sniff out alleged thieves Edmonton Police announced last week that a comprehensive investiga-
Asked about Rawson’s pending departure, Fort Saskatchewan Mayor Gale Katchur said: “Staff Sergeant Rawson has been a valued member of the Fort Saskatchewan detachment, and has worked closely with countion has culminated with the arrest of three suspects allegedly responsible for the recent theft of approximately $30,000 in perfume and other product from a national chain store on two separate incidents in January and February.
cil and the public.” “He has also been a huge supporter of Building Bridges,” Katchur continued. “We wish him well as he moves closer to his home. He will be missed in the community,” she concluded. A farewell luncheon for Rawson will be held on March 7, 2013 at the Pioneer House Soup and Sandwich fundraiser. Police executed a search warrant at the residence of one of the suspects last Tuesday and recovered approximately $20,000 in stolen goods. Two males and a female face charges, with more charges possibly pending.
Participating municipalities are challenging each other to see which community spends the most time unplugged. Individuals and families from each participating municipality can log the hours spent unplugged from technology on February 16th by visiting www.fcssaa.org, and share their stories on what they did to “unplug.” Here in the Fort, there are many great ways to “get unplugged” on Family Day. The Traditional Winter Fest and Vintage Snowmobile Show at the Fort Saskatchewan Museum and Historic Site is one excellent event. In addition to all of last year’s favorites, new this year are dog sled races and a snowmobile track. The Dow Centre will also feature a range of free activities on Family Day, including two public skates, moveball bootcamp, adult shinny hockey, pickleball, a bouncy castle, and the Kinette Club Family Fit Time fundraiser. See the city’s website at www. fortsask.ca for more information. Taking the stage on Family Day at the Shell Theatre is Splash N’ Boots, sponsored by Qualico Communities. The group was voted Canadian Children’s Group of the Year in 2012. Although tickets are required, they are free, and can be picked up at the Dow Centre’s Ticketmaster outlet.
H: 5 L: -5 SAT
H: -3 L: -4 SUN
H: -8 L: -14 MON
TUE -13/-18 P. CLOUDY
THU -8/-16 FLURRIES
WED -12/-19 P. CLOUDY
FRI -3/-10 FLURRIES
127 days until Summer!
Over Easy, Please
February 15, 2013
Hours: Mon-Wed 7AM-4PM Thu-Sat 7AM-7PM Closed Sundays + Stat Holidays Dine In or Take Out 10001 103 St, Fort Sask. 780-997-0084
Phone: 780-998-0730 Fax: 780-992-1229
Are you an Armchair Mayor? By OEP Editor JUDY SELLIN email@example.com
11228-87 Avenue, Fort Saskatchewan firstname.lastname@example.org Repair and Servicing • Wheel Alignments Buses, Heavy Duty & Light Trucks Automotive • Licensed Inspection Facility (C.V.I.P.)
Reptile Experience, Saturday Feb 23 @ 2pm Free draws for reptile supplies!
I write this week’s “Issue” about how I view the growth of Fort Saskatche w a n . Since I ofﬁcially moved here in 2007, I have seen the Fort grow in many aspects. It has been exciting on some levels, while disappointing on others. Growth brings new businesses and opportunities, but at the same time it can cause some established businesses to struggle, and even to close their doors... that is the disappointing part. However, the growth of most cities is bittersweet, regardless if it is Fort Saskatchewan or elsewhere. What is certain is that change is inevitable, like it or not. Most every downtown core suffers while the city’s growth expands outside the downtown proper... that is just how this kind of growth works, but the good news is that it does not have to remain this way. As new residential areas are zoned and developed, often alongside or near these new residential areas new businesses seemingly start to establish. Again, another fact of urban growth. We also have younger families who wish to own newer homes, and therefore they build and move to the new residential areas. Good for them -- why shouldn’t they live in newer homes if their means can afford it? And, many young adults are already playing major roles in the betterment of our city by being representatives of organizations and businesses. With their roles, they bring fresh and new ideas that us older folk may not have envisioned.
And yes, of course, growth has brought a variety of new businesses which take out leases or purchase here in the Fort, offering new services, shopping and dining experiences. Nothing stays the same forever... change is constant, therefore we should try to adjust wisely to the changes of city growth. But growth does not mean that our downtown core -- the beginning and the stability of the community for many decades -- has to disappear. Nor does it mean that we should not patronize the new businesses and services here in the Fort. There is a term called revitalization, which when put into action, has been the salvation of many a city when growth moves away from the downtown core. I am not referring to entertainment days and events within cities, of which without saying, are what every city needs, desires and appreciates. I am referring however, to bringing a healthy, steady population in the downtown core -- by this I mean that we need a higher population density downtown. After all, where do we get a population that will patronize the present and future businesses of downtown? The answer to that question is in the statistics that reveal that apartment dwellings alone and apartment dwellings combined with commercial buildings brings good population growth. Even many universities have done this for years... shopping and services on the lower level, residential living on the upper level. Then what about a satellite campus, a small esthetician school, or a culinary school? Any project that will bring a higher population density to the downtown core, if done effectively, will also bring revitalization. Build it and they will come! Apartments in the downtown core? Why not? I have seen a city build condominiums right next to a railway line... surprising, people bought them, doctors located
their ofﬁces in them, and medical labs set up in them -- revitalizing one of the oldest parts of that city. It has been suggested that the City should encourage the rental of basement suites and garden suites. Fine, maybe in the day when the Fort was not populating as quickly as it is now. Some of the reasons for deterring basement suite rentals is that most homes were constructed as single dwellings... to accommodate a single families. Encouraging secondary suites can bring a myriad of problems and possible expenses for the City. For example, waste/ recycling pick up leads to more workers having to do the the job. Do taxes go up to compensate for the extra waste and recycling that rental suites will bring? More people living in one home means more waste/ recycling at the curbside every week... that is a given. Apartment buildings usually have one or two large waste dumpsters for the residents... quicker and more convenient waste removal. Other concerns could be safety. Are the basement suites up to the standard building/ﬁre codes? What about noise by-laws? More people living in one dwelling seemingly would equal more noise, more pets and other problems such as parking, which in many areas of the city, is already a tight squeeze. Do we need more vehicles taking up roadway space which makes driving on some streets in the winter quite a challenge? A lack of a local transit system will only exacerbate the problem, as residential neighborhoods in the Fort tend not to be conveniently located to easily access services. Also, statistics prove building apartments brings higher population densities than double family living in single dwelling homes. CONTINUED ON PAGE 3
Over Easy, Please is published weekly on Fridays. We are located in Fort Saskatchewan, Alberta, and are a publication of Tuckbook Inc. Our website is located at www.overeasyplease.com. Over Easy, Please welcomes opinions and comments. Please note that we reserve the right to edit comments for length, style, legality and taste. Comments sent to us or posted to our website may be reproduced in print and/ or electronic format. The views and opinions expressed in this publication are solely those of the original authors and other contributors. Therefore, the views and opinions expressed herein do not necessarily represent those of Tuckbook Inc., and/or any/all contributors to this publication. We reserve the right to reject or remove advertising that we deem contrary to our ad philosophy, at our sole and
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Introducing Terra Natural designs by Fair Trade artisans. Organic. Sustainable.
All February Ticketed Items 50% off All Jewelry Half Price!
Over Easy, Please
New directors at Police searching for two homicide Agrium suspects Calgary’s Agrium Inc. announced Monday that it has appointed David Everitt and Mayo Schmidt to its Board of Directors. Everitt is a former division President at Deere & Company, while Schmidt is former President & CEO of Viterra Inc. THE ISSUE, CONT.
I believe that regardless of where we live in the Fort Saskatchewan, regardless of where or what nature of business we own or operate... we are all a community. We should be united in doing our best to grow the city in the healthiest manner possible that enables our city to grow effectively in the long term. To my knowledge, the community of Fort Saskatchewan is on both sides of the Highway 15. I, for one, do my very best to patronize both sides of the highway. This is a great city, with a dedicated and visible Mayor who has done a fantastic job for Fort Saskatchewan. It is easy to be an armchair mayor but it is far more challenging to be the Mayor.
Researchers: TB infection rates to “turn clock back to 1930s” Tuberculosis (“TB”) is developing increasing resistance around the world to the powerful drugs currently used to treat it, say researchers and editors of Thorax, one of the world’s leading respiratory medicine journals. During the 1930s, dedicated sanitaria and invasive surgery were commonly prescribed for those with the infection - usually caused by Mycobacterium tuberculosis, which the editors describe as “the most successful human pathogen of all time.” TB often lies dormant with no symptoms, but in a proportion of cases, becomes active, predominantly attacking the lungs. But it can also affect the bones and nervous system, and if left untreated can be fatal. “Whatever we may have once optimistically thought, TB remains with death, taxes and political chicanery as being inevitable, unavoidable and deeply unpleasant,” write the joint editors, Andy Bush and Ian Pavord. “It shows every sign of weathering the storm and superb randomised controlled trials, to emerge in ever-increasingly drug-resistant forms, potentially turning the clock back to the 1930s,” they say. A special edition of their journal, focusing on the disease, is running this week.
February 15, 2013 Should you know the whereabouts of either individual, contact your local police department immediately.
Police in Edmonton and the RCMP are seeking the public’s assistance in locating two homicide suspects. EPS has issued a Canadawide warrant for the arrest of Hassan Isse Ismail in connection with the Nov. 19, 2012 death of 24-yearold Aden Ahmed. Ismail is thought to have ties to the Toronto Area. He is described as a black male, 6’3” tall and over 200 pounds. Meanwhile, in an unrelated case, RCMP are seeking to arrest 19-year-old Lindsey Allen Bruno, who is described as 5’10”, 160 pounds with black hair and brown eyes. He is wanted in connection with a shooting death that occurred earlier this month on the Salmon Cree Nation. Police say he should not be approached.
Lindsey Allen Bruno (Top) and Hassan Isse Ismail (Bottom).
Over Easy, Please
February 15, 2013
Two Thumbs Down
My foster mom tells me that my story is very similar to everyone else’s story. I was found homeless, wandering out in the cold and very hungry. I am extremely thin and in poor condition but now that I’ve been rescued, I’m grateful to be out of the cold and loving the great “Acana” food. Thank you Champion Petfoods Ltd. for donating to SCARS.
Bloom where you’re planted.-Mary Engelbreit
To people who leave their fast food wrappers and other garbage in shopping carts.
I look like a purebred German Shepherd, but I don’t have any tattoos so I will say I am mostly German Shepherd. True to the breed, I am a larger fellow. I’m about 5 years old and my foster family describes me as being independent. I am not particularly shy, but I am happy doing my own thing. Once I warm up to you I do enjoy some attention and affection. I really enjoy playing with my buddy Heidi, though I think I enjoy it more than she does. If I could pick my perfect home, it would be an acreage with another dog to hang out with. Find out more about how to adopt me by visiting www.scarscare.org or calling 780.466.7227
It is nice to give yourself a random act of giving. This week start to create a secret sweet shelf perhaps in your closet but somewhere that is known only to you. When you are having a not so good day... or when you wish to celebrate a good thing, give yourself a few sweets and enjoy them in a quiet place over a cup of tea.
SCARS Pet of the Week - Clarkie
Spiritual Thought My business is not to remake myself, but make the absolute best of what God made .-- Robert Browning
Random Act of Giving Suggestion
Funny Yokes Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground? A: To get to the other Slide. Q: What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? A: An egg roll.
A Spoonful of Sugar Over hot cereal is delicious without milk.
High Five Happy Birthday and Happy Valentine’s Day to Willie!
Community Info Fort Saskatchewan Public Library: 10011-
102 Street. Mon-Thu: 10a9p, Fri: 10a-5p, Sat: 10a-5p, Sun: 1p-5p (closed Sun in Jul + Aug)
Commuter Bus Service: Mon-Fri, Clareview
<-> to Fort Sask. Departs Sherridon Dr and 99 Ave 5:34a, 6:04a, 6:34a, 7:19a, 4:16p, 5:16p, 5:46p, 6:28p, 7:08p. See www.fortsask.ca or call 780.442.5311 for full route details or more info.
Walk In Medical Clinic: 9368 Southfort
Drive, next to Shoppers Drug Mart. Call 780-9970177 for info.
Dingers by Ken Schotsch
Over Easy, Please
Heart & Soul: Hunger for Adventure By Fort Sask Life Church Pastor BILL OLSEN At the risk of sounding like my Dad, travel has massively changed during the last hundred years. I still hear stories from my Dad about the Model T Ford that he used to drive... “Yep, that was my ﬁrst car, and probably the best car I ever owned!” Of course, when it comes to long drives on cold days, he doesn’t mind cruising in his smooth riding, warm car that has windshield wipers that work on their own when it senses how hard it may be raining or snowing. Back in the 60s, we would go on family holidays in our big old station wagon, or late model Pontiac Parisienne, and take four days to go the same distance we would now drive in a single day, or better yet, ﬂy, in a couple of hours. I can still vividly remember driving from Salt Spring Island to Northern Alberta and recall all the places we would stop and have a look at on the way. It was always such an adventure, our country seemed sssooo big! (It is... I’ve conﬁrmed it by traveling to other countries... they’re all much
February 15, 2013 smaller.) One time, Dad proudly proclaimed that we’d just driven over 2500 miles (not km) upon our arrival home from one of these trips... “Wow who does stuff like that?” I would think to myself. It put an appreciation to go and see things I hadn’t before, and after driving and ﬂying a couple of million kilometers, there is so much more yet to see. I think the “biggest” trip a person ever takes is one that takes you away from home for the ﬁrst time... on your own. That’s always a big deal, kind of like a “test run” for future travels... you know, “try it out, see how I do” sort of thing. My ﬁrst trip was driving and tenting from Northwestern BC over to Northern Alberta, down through the Ice ﬁelds, back over to the Okanagan, to Vancouver and then a nice 14 hour drive back home again. I had no clue what it was going to
cost, so I cashed my entire pay cheque and emptied out my bank account and ended up with a stack of $20 bills (because the bank had nothing bigger that day) that looked like I had just done a major drug deal or bank job. It was so cool! The next bigger trip was to actually ﬂy to Vancouver... I loved the torque of the jet engines as it pushed me back into the seat at take off... this was the way to go! Although, landing in a place called “Sand Spit” on the Queen Charlotte Islands (as they were known then) scared the bajeebbers out of me, as the runway had a beach on both ends, and the pilot had to stand on the brakes pretty hard to get that baby to stay on solid ground. (The plane needed a couple of air fresheners after that landing.) CONTINUED ON PAGE 7
Celebrity Edition! Whose smile do you think this is? Check back next week for the solution!
Celebrity Edition! Who do you think this baby is? Check back next week for the solution! Last week: Harrison Ford
Over Easy, Please
February 15, 2013
Odds, Sods & Nods Get Ready, Get Set, Go! By STUART McGOWAN email@example.com
Greetings to all As I sit here and prepare this weeks fodder, I reﬂect on the week and the day. It has been very busy for me, teaching First Aid, preparing for the 6th Annual Fort’s Got Talent show and the Annual Traditional Winterfest and Vintage Snowmobile show. There is much to be done for both, and I hope you will all avail yourselves of the opportunity to take in all that the Winterfest has to offer. There will be dog sled rides (for a nominal cost), a snow maze, old fashioned curling, snowman making, tobogganing, snow painting, snow golf to name but a few. The Vintage sleds will get to show off by riding on an assigned track down in the valley adjacent to the hill near the Fort.
AFL: Secret Government of Alberta docs show benefit of upgrading In-province upgrading is highly economical according to secret government documents released by the Alberta Federation of Labour (“AFL”) last week. The documents, obtained by the AFL under the Freedom of Information and Privacy Act, include a Department of Energy analysis that deals with the economics of the energy industry. This analysis of taxes, royalties and upgrading policy was deemed ‘secret’ by the Government of Alberta. “These documents paint a picture of a Government that knows what needs to be done, but is afraid to act,” Alberta Federation of
Labour president Gil McGowan said. “This ‘bitumen bubble’ has a silver lining, and the province knows it – they wrote the documents to prove it. Now they just need to have the courage to follow through on the evidence of their own research.” The internal government documents show that as the light-heavy oil differential expands, integrated oil sands mining projects – those with upgraders – become hugely proﬁtable. Integrated mining operations (bitumen extraction with upgrading to Synthetic Crude Oil) are realizing unprecedented returns under the current conditions. “The economics of upgrading depends on who you ask,” McGowan said. “If you are asking the companies who want to rip and ship our raw resources, then the answer will always be ‘upgrading doesn’t make economic sense.’ But if you ask
Alberta taxpayers, or energy-sector workers, or even integrated oil sands mining companies – then yes, upgrading is highly economic.” The Government of Alberta continues to approve in situ oil sands projects without requiring associated upgrading, which is ﬂooding the US market and driving down the price. “These projects become less economically viable as the price difference between bitumen and crude expands,” McGowan said. “And yet these projects have mushroomed throughout the province. We’re ﬂooding the market, and these documents show that the government knows it.” The Alberta Federation of Labour has spent several months seeking to access these documents, and has spent thousands on government fees to obtain them.
As for the 6th Annual Fort’s Got Talent, there is a huge amount of talent this year. Some new, some returning. The show starts at 7:30 p.m. on February 23 at the Shell Theatre. Tickets are only $15 through Ticketmaster. If you go the Sheeptown Players Drama Society Facebook page and check out the event, you will ﬁnd a promo code to save yourself $3 per ticket (but that is only good if you buy the tickets online). As I was saying earlier, I am reﬂecting on the day. A friend from work lost her husband to a serious accident on February 6. They were going to be celebrating their 28th wedding in April. Three children -- one boy two girls -- all grown up. He was a man who was admired by his co-workers and loved by his family, including his brother and sisters. One of his co-workers spoke at his Remembrance
Diabetes cured in dogs Researchers from the Universitat Autònoma de Barcelona have shown for the ﬁrst time that it is possible to cure diabetes in large animals with a single session of gene therapy.
and said that “Ron taught me one thing. Always take time for yourself and your family”. At the celebration today, I saw that admiration from all who knew him and the lesson had not been lost on his family. Nods to Ron Foster. I hope more people take a moment and give thanks for all that they have and for those who are precious in their lives. This weather that we have been experiencing over the past couple days and in particular today, makes me realize that there are people who STILL don’t get how dangerous the roads are at this time. I see them speeding along and sliding into the ditches or colliding with other vehicles. Hey everyone, slow down and get home to those whom you love and who love you! Even with that, try to think about the other drivers on the road who want to do the same. One last shout out, to my good friend Dwight who is recovering from a serious operation and who, unfortunately is unable to be at the Fort’s Got Talent show this year. He has always been a big part of our show every year and this year, we will be taping the performances and letting him see what great talent was on stage. Remember to come out and support your local talent, for this is the type of event where today’s Carrie Underwood, Michael Buble, Fun and other performers got a start and learned to play in front of a live audience. Another Nod to Over Easy, Please on behalf of Second Chance Animal Rescue Society (SCARS) for continuing to support the adoption efforts by showcasing a different dog or cat each week. Without this type of support, fewer animals would have a chance to ﬁnd a “furever” home. And lastly, I doff my hat to the other local media, the Sturgeon Creek Post, The Fort Record, Fort Radio and The MIX 107.9. They help the community know about what goes on in our great City. Support your local merchants too, for they support you in ways you don’t see. Until next time, Cheers! As published last week in Diabetes, the principal journal for research on the disease, after a single gene therapy session, the dogs recover their health and no longer show symptoms of the disease. In some cases, monitoring continued for over four years, with no recurrence of symptoms.
Over Easy, Please
February 15, 2013
Fort Saskatchewan’s Categorized Business Section COMPUTER TECHNOLOGY
JANITORIAL & CLEANING
SOUPS, SUBS & SANDWICH SHOPS
Church Listings Fort Saskatchewan Life Church 50-10420 98 Ave. (Back of Fort Mall). Sunday Service/Kids Church @ 10:15a. Wed. Service @ 7:00p. Culture Shock Youth, Fri @ 7:00p. 780-992-9673. www.fslifechurch.ca. Fellowship Baptist Church. Pastor Jim Paulson. Worship Service: Sun @ 10:30a. Prayer: Tues @ 7:00p. Awana Children’s Program Thurs @ 6:30p. 9932 - 101 St., Fort Sask. (Ac. from Legacy Park) 780-992-0880. Church of the Nazarene. Pastor: Stephen Conklin. 9802 104 St., Fort Sask. 780-998-2451. www.fortnaz.ca. Join us Sunday @ 11a for Worship. Sunday School @ 9:50a. Josephburg Community Church.21380 Township Road 550 (intersection of Twp. Rd. 550 & Sec. Highway 830) Aas you enter the hamlet of Josephburg. Ph: 780-998-9331 Fax: 780-998-9305 www.josephburgcommunitychurch.ca Pastor: Rev. Audrey Daley Partridge Hill United Church. Corner of TWP 542 and RR 220. 780-895-7378. Debbie Brill, Minister. Worship Service: 9:30am. www.partridgehillunitedchurch.com First United Church. 10409-100 Ave., Fort Sask. 780-998-4060. Rev. Danielle A. James. All welcome. Sunday Worship & Sunday School: 10:00a. Holy Protection Orthodox Church. Saturdays: Great Vespers, 5p. Sundays: Divine Liturgy, 10a. 281 Fort Mall, 10421 99 Ave. 780-708-2877. All Services in English. St. George’s Anglican Church. Reverend Maude ParsonsHorst. Regular worship times: Sunday @ 8:30am Holy Communion (BCP) and 10:30am Holy Communion (BAS) with Sunday School. 10029 – 99th Ave, Ph: 780-998-3620.
I loved the freedom I felt when I left home and began to travel a bit. The sense of adventure and personal accomplishment was invigorating, even though it was really not that far. My Mom worried about me, and insisted that I phone and let them know where I was and how I was doing when I arrived at various check points. I didn’t think it was a big deal... but there weren’t cell phones and I wasn’t the parent that had raised this little baby and saw him become an adult.
bles turned as I watched one of my “little babies” walk through an international airport on their way to the opposite side of the world. I felt proud that they were stepping out like this. It’s a huge thing to do. I was so thankful that my child was already well-traveled, and knew how things worked fairly well, but coming home, the house seemed a little quiet and the grown child, helplessly far away.. I felt good; we’d also deposited a hunger for adventure. Also, a hunger for destiny. What a great thing to instill in your child!
done the same for us... In the book of Jeremiah, God says, “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” When we develop a relationship with Him, He reveals His dreams for us, just as our parents did, and puts in us a desire to reach destiny... to experience adventure, and ﬁnd experiences that instill wisdom in us for the beneﬁt of others... especially for our kids. I’m glad for the little I received, and am happy to pass it along for those coming after me.
Just the other day, the ta-
Our Heavenly Father has
Have an awesome week!
Race with a Mother Garter Snake
favored swimming hole. I wasn’t keen on swimming because of the almost drastic drowning. Anyway, I did enjoy the lunch after the swimming was over.
the reptile. That was the last party that was held at that site.
HEART & SOUL, CONT.
By WALTER MELNYK One Sunday afternoon Anne the youngest sisters and brothers went to our
Anne was a very good swimmer, she could swim forward, sideways and on her back. Well, what do you know? A large garter snake came after Anne and about that time Anne could have won any race in the world. She out- swam and out-ran
HOCKEY RINK There was and stil is a large brick house near the school. The family was good enough to make a small rink where we tried to play hockey with 1x2 slabs. None of us youngsters who wanted to play had money for a stick. CONTINUED ON PAGE 8
Over Easy, Please
February 15, 2013
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Biscuits and Gravy: Tall Order and High Expectations By BRIAN MASON firstname.lastname@example.org
I never was much in the way of what you might consider to be a tall person. In fact, most of my life has been rather, well, on the short order of things. At times that proved to be the subject of ridicule but I managed, always advising the evil doers that it put them at the disadvantage since I could move more freely in limited conﬁnes. They’d laugh and carry on, but there was a time from high school that I never will forget. You’ve probably seen at some point those individuals who were likely the subject for a reference for the Jolly Green giant; you know, the ones that seem as though their parents used steroids in the fertilizer the kids were grown from. Those individuals who defy nature as if some twisted reality of Ripley’s Believe
it or Not seem to creep up everywhere and let me tell you folks, my high school was no different. Oh no, even in them thar hills we had our freaks of nature too, and I don’t mean Bobby-Jo aka the Bearded Lady. The later was likely just a poor mishap with a opossum danglin’ in a taffy factory. But no, what I mean are the string beans. You see, we had this feller that well, deﬁed gravity somehow and stood an incredible 7’4”. He was skinny as a rail and if the wind didn’t carry him away, he could easily disappear. Seriously, if the boy stood sideways and stuck out his tongue he’d look like a zipper. Couple that with the fact that the kid talked funny. Don’t chuckle at that, he talked stranger than a carpet bagger from New York city fresh off the Chattanooga choo-choo. See folks he was from the Czechoslovakian Republic, so to us the kid was stranger than a bow legged albino skunk marchin’ in a Texas rodeo parade. But let me tell you folks, the girls loved him. So much that on one day I saw him walkin’ out of the gym with a girl on either arm. He had just ﬁnished practicing basketball, which trust me, he
wasn’t very good as he kept trippin’ over those giant clodhoppers of his (that’s feet to you city folk), and was headed to class. Boy were they havin’ a great time, laughin’ and smilin’ at his jokes as they went towards the door. Well, you ever seen those signs that show where to exit? The ones that glow red in warning? Well, apparently that wasn’t enough, cause he hit that sucker full on with hie forehead bringing ol’ Goliath to his knees. I laughed so hard I had to lean against the wall, sides splitting and tears running down my face. But later I realized, and I think he did as well, that you can have all the glamor in life, all the expectations placed upon you for greatness that the world wishes to bestow but unless those expectations are taken to heart and applied they are nothing more than pipe dreams. No matter how great others may claim us to be, we have to constantly remind ourselves that the only real thing that creates greatness is the acts that we perform to create those expectations and consistently applying ourselves to make those actions holistically consistent.
MELNYK, CONT. One of the defensemen checked me, then slipped and fell backwards bringing his war-club over his shoulder. As he was falling his stick caught me across the nose and broke it. I saw every star in the universe and the lights almost went out. I was bleeding like stuck pig. The owners of the house took me in, put my head in the kitchen sink and ran cold water on the back of my head which ﬁnally stopped the bleeding but my nose was still broken. I had no money to go to see the doctor so my nose healed leaving me to breathe through my mouth until I went into the army. Then I was playing goal without a mask one time and one of the players ﬂipped the puck from the close quarters and cut my bottom lip wide open to where I was able to put my tongue through my lip. The principal of the school taped the wound the best way he could and again I couldn’t have it stitched by the doctor. It healed by itself leaving the lip a little puffy. That ended my hockey career at a very young age.
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Flimsy Whimsy: Wide By JAI MURUGAN email@example.com
“Sorry, Mister, I can’t,” I tried to mumble. He wasn’t listening. It was dismal enough being there in any situation, let alone having my wee eight year old mouth opened as far as it could, and being ordered to open it further. I would have cooked supper all summer if Mom could rescue me and take me to the favourite place on the river – the rapid of Calm. The dangerous man in the white shirt my Mother called a dentist was asking the impossible. Besides that, I couldn’t talk, for fear of having another piercing needle jab, the howling drill slip on my tongue, or the grinder hit my lower lip. The collective abysmal sounds of that butcher shop were never drowned by the truth-hiding spooky soft soothing music in the background. That stuff still triggers an urge to run. “Welcome to my Nightmare” or the suspense stuff of impend-
ing doom from a long lost B horror show from would have been more appropriate. What kind of a sadistic child-hating creature would take up dentistry as a profession? I closed my eyes and blocked out his verbalisations for impossible action requests. Suddenly there was silence, accompanied by visions of a helpful yet smirking Father with the crowbar. I’d seen him make things wider, particularly the distance between ground and something heavy. The nutjob in white looked at him contemplatively. “I think we’re gonna need something bigger than that, Man,” he observed, with a conniving sneer. Then I heard the grumpy rumble of the backhoe I’d watched digging a power line trench a few weeks earlier. One of those attachments was bound to be some kind of reverse vice, a mouth widener tool, built speciﬁcally for this speciﬁc emergency. It was right outside Doc Payne’s window, rumbling closer. I hoped Doc was a heavy man, for he’d have to hold me down real tight like. “It’s okay, Son” he said. “Turn your head a bit. I can reach back there.” Except where otherwise copyrighted, all content of this newspaper, including advertisements, is Copyright 2012, Tuckbook Inc. Editor: Judy Sellin (firstname.lastname@example.org); Senior Editor: Reece Sellin (reece@ overeasyplease.com); Advertising Inquiries: (email@example.com); Mail: PO Box 20005, Fort Saskatchewan, AB, T8L 4C8; Phone: 780-9340139; Fax: 780-589-1188.