WALTER MELNYK’S MYSTERY: Page 7
Over Easy, Please Volume 3, Number 13
Published in print and online every Friday
Fort Saskatchewan, Alberta • Friday, January 18, 2013
OEP Editor Judy Sellin talks about avoiding germs P. 2
Fire chief wants public’s help with fire hydrants P. 6
ROBBERS ON THE LAM AFTER HOME INVASION
Early bird gets the can By REECE SELLIN firstname.lastname@example.org
City ofﬁcials say that some residents are not heeding their new curbside garbage and recycling collection schedule, resulting in missed pickups. The City introduced new boundaries for garbage and recycling collection zones at the beginning of the year, but according to Robin Benoit, the City’s Director of Infrastructure Management, some residents have not realized that along with the zone change, refuse must also be put to the curb earlier on collection day.
Composite sketches of two of the four suspects. Photo: Supplied
Sherwood Park residents bound and assaulted by gun-toting thieves. By REECE SELLIN email@example.com
Shocking details of a daytime home invasion and robbery were released to the public by the Strathcona County RCMP this week. According to an RCMP media release, police in that hamlet responded to a residential break and enter report at approximately 2:00pm on Friday, January 4th. When they arrived, at the home located in Sherwood Park’s Brentwood neighborhood, they were told that four male individuals, armed with a ﬁrearm, approached the residence
and forced entry at approximately 10:30am that morning. Once inside, the males bound and assaulted the four occupants of the residence, three men and one woman, who suffered minor injuries. The ordeal continued for several hours, before the males ﬂed the scene in a small red car. It is alleged the suspects stole not only a variety of precious gems and gold, but also took four ﬁrearms from the residence, including two handguns. Police say that they do not believe the incident
was random. They have concluded that the suspects likely targeted the property, knowing that its owner operates an internet-based business from the home. Police have released composite sketches of two of the suspects. Anyone with information on this crime is encouraged to contact the Strathcona county RCMP at 780-467-7741 or call Crime Stoppers at 1-800222-8477. Crime Stoppers will pay up to $2000.00 for information leading to an arrest in this matter. You do not have to reveal your identity to qualify for an award.
“We did change to an earlier collection time this year, and people who are still used to putting their garbage out later are missing their pickup,” Benoit said. “The contractor is on the route very early so garbage and recycling needs to be out by 7 a.m,” Benoit concluded. The 2013 waste collection calendar, in addition to information about collection, is available on the City’s website at fortsask.ca.
Talent show returns By REECE SELLIN firstname.lastname@example.org
The Sheeptown Players will again be hosting their annual “Fort’s Got Talent Show” this year. Now in its 6th year, the event will take place at the Dow Centennial Centre on February 23rd, showcasing the area’s wonderful talent. Open to all Fort and area residents, participation is free and non-competitive. More information can be found on Sheeptown Players’ Facebook page, or can be obtained by calling 780.999.6844.
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FRI -6/-10 SUNNY
154 days until Summer!
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Phone: 780-998-0730 Fax: 780-992-1229
January 18, 2013
ple of measures that should be done more frequently during the ﬂu season.
By OEP Editor JUDY SELLIN
So where do germs harbor the most? Many will say that money carries the most germs, but is that where really pick up the most ﬂu viruses? This brings to mind a few of my pet peeves about germs and where they are hosted. Of course, germs can be airborne but there are other ways germs can be passed along too. Ever notice when you are eating out, how the coffee is poured into your cup? My pet peeve is when the coffee pot lid touches the edge of my coffee cup. Think about how fast germs can be transferred when coffee reﬁlls are being poured this way from person to person.
11228-87 Avenue, Fort Saskatchewan email@example.com Repair and Servicing • Wheel Alignments Buses, Heavy Duty & Light Trucks Automotive • Licensed Inspection Facility (C.V.I.P.)
I dislike germs and perhaps I am aware of them more than some, but my dislike of germs is not anywhere near the extreme of that of comedian Howie Mandel. Mandel’s autobiography entitled “Here’s the Deal: Don’t Touch Me,” which hit the bookstores a few years ago, reveals how he copes (which is not very well) with his germ phobia. Valid in many of his germ concerns, albeit it is to the extreme, it causes me to wonder how Mandel gets through the ﬂu season. On the ﬂu topic, there seems to be a lot of folks here and elsewhere who are being hit with some miserable bouts of it. Yes, It is certainly the season for these ailments. And what bafﬂes me is how many forget or neglect to take the extra effort to try to reduce their contact with germs, especially during the ﬂu season. Proper hand-washing is highly recommended, along with using hand sanitizers, as just a cou-
New Utility Bills BY REECE SELLIN
Local utility bills will be seeing an upgrade in the near future, according to the City of Fort Saskatchewan. As of January 27th, the City’s utility bills will be sporting a new look and packaging. The new bills, which will now include a more detailed explanation of water consumption, will also look more similar to
Another pet peeve of mine is when gloves are used for food safety reasons in preparing food then subsequently used to ring in food orders, handle money, then go back to preparing food with the same gloved hand. Yuck! Self-serve drink dispensers are not my favourite inventions either, as they allow reﬁlls without having to use a fresh drink container. Up there with the coffee pot lid touching my cup are those who lick the icing off their ﬁngers while serving cake, serving pies, or licking their ﬁngers in general, while serving me
other utility bills, as they will be sent in a windowed-envelope. “It was time we moved towards new technology with our utility bills,” said the City of Fort Saskatchewan’s Finance Director, Susan Morrissey. “This new format was chosen to match the look of other household expense bills and it gives us the opportunity to provide more detailed information to our customers,” she said. Questions on the new bill can be directed to 780.992.6228.
food... be it in their home or in a restaurant. The aforementioned to me is like “doubledipping” in the veggie or fruit tray. Over the years, I have watched the following closely... how people serve themselves at buffets. There are the “pickers,” as I call them. They pick and eat as they make their way along the buffet table, licking their ﬁngers, then handle the serving ladles that I or the next person have to use... my reason for washing my hands before I eat. Probably my biggest peeve is when there is no soap in the dispenser in a public washroom and it is the same washroom used by those who prepare my food. This is a quick way for me to lose my appetite, or better yet, a good reason to eat elsewhere. I have many more peeves about germs and what we can all do to try and reduce passing these bugs along to others but for some it is just plain common sense while, for others, I really believe they just do not get the germ thing at any time of the year. Maybe if we are all a little more germ-conscious this ﬂu season, fewer of us will be hit with these nasty bugs in our community.
Winterfest Upgraded BY REECE SELLIN
Family Day will see the return of the annual Winterfest and Vintage Snowmobile Show, say event organizers. Running from 10am until 3pm on Family Day, February 18, at the NWMP Fort, the festival will see the return of all of last year’s events. New this year is a trail ride into the river valley to allow riders to showcase their snowmobiles.
Over Easy, Please is published weekly on Fridays. We are located in Fort Saskatchewan, Alberta, and are a publication of Tuckbook Inc. Our website is located at www.overeasyplease.com. Over Easy, Please welcomes opinions and comments. Please note that we reserve the right to edit comments for length, style, legality and taste. Comments sent to us or posted to our website may be reproduced in print and/ or electronic format. The views and opinions expressed in this publication are solely those of the original authors and other contributors. Therefore, the views and opinions expressed herein do not necessarily represent those of Tuckbook Inc., and/or any/all contributors to this publication. We reserve the right to reject or remove advertising that we deem contrary to our ad philosophy, at our sole and
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Introducing Terra Natural designs by Fair Trade artisans. Organic. Sustainable.
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January 18, 2013
Hours: Mon-Wed 7AM-4PM Thu-Sat 7AM-7PM Closed Sundays + Stat Holidays Dine In or Take Out 10001 103 St, Fort Sask. 780-997-0084
In Burundi, Africa Live or Die Trying To Stay Alive By OLIVIER N. O n e thing very c e r tain is that I cann o t u n derstand how hopeless one must be to envisage to kill themselves, but what I do know is that it must be a complete mess as a situation where nothing has any meaning anymore -- no more reason to live and everything is confusing. I am writing this article in hope of saving a life. It may be read by someone who’s going through despair and fear and maybe they don’t know what to do. Maybe someone who doesn’t know if they’ll still be around the next morning. And, I have to admit that I don’t know what really is going through the minds of those who kill themselves. I personally never knew a friend of mine who committed suicide, but I can still read those tragedies in newspapers, and I ask myself how a person can allow themselves to give up on their own life. Where I am from, it’s not common that such tragedies happen. But honestly, there probably may be many good reasons for my people to give up; but they cannot because they are warriors, ﬁghters, and heroes…they ﬁght to survive. So many people have died in the civil war that lasted more than a decade, and so many children are dying by hunger…but still, they have to ﬁght until the last breath to survive, and hopefully with a little chance they will overcome this misery – for there is still a hope where there is a breath. This is what we call “life” out here. We love life and we would do anything to keep it. If we can’t live, we will survive… or at least we will die trying to stay alive. This is “life”. I think everybody has their own darkest time, when you cry for a rescue but none is showing up. But we need to hang on and keep ﬁghting – who said your problem will last forever? All things change – maybe all that is needed is some time to understand that even your “problem” is not worth giv-
ing up on your life. Maybe, with some time, we can understand and be thankful, and rejoice that we are still breathing.
home, we didn’t know what was going on in the village until we heard very loud shots, followed with cries from our neighbor’s house.
Man, maybe you cannot understand what I am talking about here, but trust me I know I am more than blessed, lucky and privileged to be still around. One morning, on Thursday, January 1, 1998 – I remember I was still a young child – on that New Year’s Day, it was the very ﬁrst time I heard the guns shooting. In my
Then we understood all we were left to do was to run. I remember when I was running I was lost and could not ﬁnd my family before we reached a safe place. People were killed while ﬂeeing – I was marching on the dead bodies when I was running. The next morning, thousands of people were killed,
fourteen of my relatives were killed too…in one day. I am telling of all this, because I think to be alive is the only thing that really matters. We should cherish and love “life” even more than anything else for, remember, “we only live once” and there are so many people who would give anything to stay alive. To breathe is a very precious gift – so please, use it, as precious as it is.
There must be a better way out there from any of those difﬁculties – please, don’t be selﬁsh… try to ﬁnd the way out. I think when one wants to kill themselves, they don’t really want to die, but they’re just terriﬁed and frightened to face their situation – but I do believe you can get stronger and face your situation as a “living” person rather than a “dead” one. CONTINUED ON PAGE 6
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January 18, 2013
SCARS Pet - K-Lynn M y name is K-Lynn I am a one and half year old med i u m length fur Torti with beautiful yellow eyes. I ended up at the pound when they were at capacity, so sadly my time was up. A SCARS volunteer thought I was so pretty and scooped me up and off I went to a wonderful foster home. I am good with kids, cats and dogs if they don’t try to chase me. I have so much potential! You can ﬁnd out more about how to adopt me by visiting www.scarscare.org or calling 780.466.7227
“Those who say it can not be done should not interrupt person who is doing it.” -- Unknown
To neighbors who clear snow for other neighbors.
Q: What is a days work for a Hen? A: An egg.
“It is easier to preach ten sermons then it is to live one.” -- Unknown
Q: Why did the rooster ﬁle for divorce? A: He was tired of being hen-pecked.
Random Act of Giving Suggestion January can be dull month. As a random act of giving for your family, friends or co-workers, whip up a dozen or so cupcakes and adorn each cupcake with a large portion of bright yellow icing....then share.
Did You Know? No two cornﬂakes look the same? Now that is an interesting pasttime while when you have your next bowl of cereal!
Thumbs Down To drivers that tailgate other vehicles.
Community Info Fort Saskatchewan Public Library: 10011-
102 Street. Mon-Thu: 10a9p, Fri: 10a-5p, Sat: 10a-5p, Sun: 1p-5p (closed Sun in Jul + Aug)
Commuter Bus Service: Mon-Fri, Clareview
<-> to Fort Sask. Departs Sherridon Dr and 99 Ave 5:34a, 6:04a, 6:34a, 7:19a, 4:16p, 5:16p, 5:46p, 6:28p, 7:08p. See www.fortsask.ca or call 780.442.5311 for full route details or more info.
Walk In Medical Clinic: 9368 Southfort
Drive, next to Shoppers Drug Mart. Call 780-9970177 for info.
Celebrity Smile Edition. Guess who you think this is, and check back next week for the solution!
Celebrity Babe Edition. Guess who you think this is, and check back next week for the solution!
Dingers by Ken Schotsch
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Heart & Soul: No Regrets By Fort Sask Life Church Pastor BILL OLSEN Have you ever done s o m e t h i n g you’ve really regretted? For example; eaten waayyy too much chili when you’re staying at someone else’s house, or allowed yourself to break wind when your stomach was a little “off”? Nah, me either... (sure). But I think there are many things that have “taken us by surprise” that have made us wish we’d used a little more common sense from time to time. I think I was a fairly calm sort of individual, but was given to some really “interesting” scenarios when overcome by a rather explosive wild hair up my nose. I have no idea what else to blame these things on, because I really do think I’m much more intelligent than what some of these events seem to proclaim... or... it could have been the adolescent brain connectivity thing I wrote about before. One day, at the highly experienced age of nineteen, I was travelling down the road in a southern BC town with the van door open to cool things down as it was particularly hot outside. We had just taken off from a stop, when the rather “cool” hat I was wearing was
sucked off my head and out the open door. In my razor sharp mind I quickly calculated that we hadn’t had time to pick up much speed (because Volkswagen Vans are not known for their high torque) and if I jumped fast enough and swung around the edge of the door, I should be able to easily match the ground speed and land (with my back facing the direction of travel) ﬂat – footed on the ground and retrieve my beloved hat. With my cat-like reﬂexes, I jumped exactly according to plan, and exclaimed, “My hat!” I never once, in my hyper speed calculations, considered what the effects would be if I happened to be wrong... I simply thought, “Yes, this will work, and I will have shown the world... how it’s done”. Not until I landed, did I consider this gross error in judgement, and desperately wished for a “do over”, but it was never meant to be. I landed exactly how I imagined... at ﬁrst... Then to my horror, inertia violently took over. My thought? - I had indeed miscalculated. What could have possibly gone wrong? I have never been slammed to the pavement so hard before or since that day. The back of my head hit so hard, I thought my eyeballs would never resurface from the hinder parts of my brain cavity. My favourite sleeveless T-shirt was almost stripped from my body as I skidded for a while just to add to the effect. So much for showing “how it’s done!” Instant migraine along with the sensa-
January 18, 2013 tion of a wire brush used on my back was the ﬁrst thing experienced, then after that, the sun seemed way too bright and every sound way too loud... but I got my hat back. Everyone was so shocked that I had jumped out of a moving vehicle, they forgot to stop for a while... eventually they came back after convincing the driver.
I was impressed (much later) that I actually was able to walk away from that one, especially after the driver informed me that he thought we were already doing 50KMH (or more) when the event occurred. I really do think angels look after us... and I make mine really tired sometimes. My thoughts of regret for doing this quickly faded once all the pain stopped, and the story makes my friends laugh to this day, but was deﬁnitely one of those things I should never have done... at over 50, my body reminds me of these bright ideas quite often. There are many far more serious things that bring us regret. Some have regret for things that were done, and others for things never tried. I guess I’m one of those people who don’t want to have regret from not trying, but it sure is a better way to go, if you truly think things through ﬁrst. Some days I’ll still make a quick decision, but after living a while, there is usually a little more wisdom and experience behind it. CONTINUED ON PAGE 6
Computer Technican Help Wanted Atomic Computers is seeking a casual / part time technician Apply with resume to 10210 100 Avenue Fort Saskatchewan
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January 18, 2013
City wants help with hydrants Fort Saskatchewan’s Fire Chief is asking city residents to be vigilent and clear ﬁre hydrants of snow in their neighborhoods. Citing past incidents where ﬁre response time has been wasted in clearing snow from hydrants, Fire Chief James Clark said “with the snowfall that’s accumulated already, we need everyone to go and ﬁnd their hydrant and make sure it is visible and ready to go to work.” “Safety is everyone’s responsibility,” Clark said. “We need help from our residents so we spend our time ﬁghting ﬁres, not digging out ﬁre hydrants.”
Death by Chocolate returns The Fort Saskatchewan Rotary Club’s annual Death by Chocolate event will be returning next month. The event, which is the club’s major annual fundraiser, is billed as a night of fun for ladies aged 18 and older. This year’s event, which will feature a gangster casino theme, will take place at the Normandy Room on February 23rd. Tickets, which are $45, are available from any club member or by calling 780.999.7567.
Odds, Sods & Nods We Be Jammin’
By STUART MCGOWAN Greetings to all! Well, I just ﬂew b a c k from Jamaica and are my arms ever tired (you knew I was going to say that). We had a great vacation there. A break from the cold and the snow, some swimming, some sun, some more snorkelling, some rum, some more sun, well, …..you get the idea. It was nice to be in such a warm, friendly country and be able to try new foods and see some interesting sights. Ya man, we be Irie (Yes man, we are doing good or
well). We learned some patois, which is a dialect/slang language that you will ﬁnd the most people in Jamaica speak. It is a wonderful combination of English and French with a little Spanish thrown in for good measure. They speak some French as well but no matter how you slice it, they are a laid back, friendly people who generally have a smile on their faces. Now, considering that they on average earn about $364,000 JD per year (my goodness, they must be rich). Those are JAMAICAN DOLLARS. To translate that, divide by one hundred (roughly) and you will ﬁnd that they earn about $3,640.00 Canadian per year. Their costs are not much different than ours, so they rely on tips from tourists (like us) to supplement that
amount. Some of them work 12 – 16 hour days. When they build their houses, they do it in stages. They build as they can afford to do so, usually a room at a time and it may take them up to ten years to ﬁnish their house. Wow, you say. Yes ,wow. Their roads are narrow, and they drive on the left side of the road from the right side of their cyars man (cars). This is the ﬁrst time I have never rented a car in a place where I have been on vacation. I was quite content to let them do the driving. The road from the airport to the resort was only 30 kilometres but due to the roads, it was a forty-ﬁve minute drive through the lickle (little) towns on the way, through the narrow streets and carefully avoiding any car that decided to pull over, stop, turn, well, you get the idea. Honking was a national pastime.
Their history is rich and long. Their countryside is breathtaking. We were only there for a week and we barely scratched the surface of all the wonderful sights. On one of the excursions we went on, the tour guide advised our group that each and every one of us would have to sing. I volunteered to be the ﬁrst. I had an ace up my sleeve. I already knew from meeting a Jamaican group called Lightning Wave last year on a cruise (I sang with them too), that the Jamaicans liked a song called “Shaving Cream”. It was a hit in J A (Jamaica) in the nineties by a group called The Fabulous Five. When I sang with Lightning Wave, they expressed surprise when they found I knew the song. They were impressed that I knew a Jamaican hit. Wrong. The original song was released in 1946 by Benny Bell and re-released in the mid sev-
IN BURUNDI, CONT. It may sound as if I am talking to someone here, but even if it’s not the one who is going to commit suicide, but someone else who is thinking his life doesn’t have sense anymore, or envisaging to leave himself to drugs or alcohol to feel better, or simply feeling hopeless, not knowing what to do... believe that God has given a purpose to every life – yours too. Think of your family, friends and all of those people you love and those who care for you… think about God. I am sure from there you can ﬁnd something that may remind you of the greatest purpose of your life. Be safe and enjoy “life.” HEART CONT.
One decision I made, was the one I made that changed my life forever and still continues to bring positive change... That was to follow my best friend to a place where I would receive eternal life in a place with no pain or tears... God knows I could use a place like that, so can you ... He’s my best friend... He also reminds me that it’s a little dumb to jump backwards out of a moving vehicle... No regrets! We’ll talk next week.
enties. When it was ﬁrst released, it received little airplay as it was deemed too raunchy. I was playing in a country-rock band in the seventies when it was re-released, so we learned it and played it frequently. But then back to reality. Returned to cold Canada, complete with snow, more snow and wind and cold temperatures. Back to work, back to getting ready for the Sheeptown Players and the 6th Annual “Fort’s Got Talent” on February 23, accepting a new position for my work, that being on the Board of Directors for the Fort Road Business Association. As well, the annual Winterfest will be on February 18, Family Day, in and around the Fort Museum grounds, along with the Vintage Snowmobile show. Take care all, until next time!
Over Easy, Please
January 18, 2013
Fort Saskatchewan’s Categorized Business Section COMPUTER TECHNOLOGY
JANITORIAL & CLEANING
SOUPS, SUBS & SANDWICH SHOPS
Church Listings Fort Saskatchewan Life Church 50-10420 98 Ave. (Back of Fort Mall). Sunday Service/Kids Church @ 10:15a. Wed. Service @ 7:00p. Culture Shock Youth, Fri @ 7:00p. 780-992-9673. www.fslifechurch.ca. Fellowship Baptist Church. Pastor Jim Paulson. Worship Service: Sun @ 10:30a. Prayer: Tues @ 7:00p. Awana Children’s Program Thurs @ 6:30p. 9932 - 101 St., Fort Sask. (Ac. from Legacy Park) 780-992-0880. Church of the Nazarene. Pastor: Stephen Conklin. 9802 104 St., Fort Sask. 780-998-2451. www. fortnaz.ca. Join us Sunday @ 11a for Worship. Sunday School @ 9:50a. Josephburg Community Church.21380 Township Road 550 (intersection of Twp. Rd. 550 & Sec. Highway 830) Aas you enter the hamlet of Josephburg. Ph: 780-998-9331 Fax: 780-998-9305 www. josephburgcommunitychurch.ca Pastor: Rev. Audrey Daley Partridge Hill United Church. Corner of TWP 542 and RR 220. 780-895-7378. Debbie Brill, Minister. Worship Service: 9:30am. www.partridgehillunitedchurch.com First United Church. 10409-100 Ave., Fort Sask. 780-998-4060. Rev. Danielle A. James. All welcome. Sunday Worship & Sunday School: 10:00a. Holy Protection Orthodox Church. Saturdays: Great Vespers, 5p. Sundays: Divine Liturgy, 10a. 281 Fort Mall, 10421 99 Ave. 780-708-2877. All Services in English.
An Unsolved Mystery By WALTER MELNYK This mystery happened a p proximately ﬁfty years ago. We were raising purebred shorthorn cattle and we had four corrals which had about eight head in each. These animals had to be watered three times a day and the well was about a hundred feet away. It took two of us to make sure that the animals wouldn’t run away and that would be a chore to round them back into the corrals. I got tired of watering the animals in that manner so I decided to put waterworks in the corrals. That was a big job. The work began by digging a large square
hole and ﬁlling it with sand, gravel and cement to make a pad for the heated water. Next we had to run an electric cable to the fountains. We couldn’t dig that long trench by hand so I hired a backhoe operator from Chipman. The deeper he went, the harder it was to dig. It was a very cold winter and the frost went down a long way. He wore out one set of claws that were attached to the bucket. The work was done in the month of May so we had to delay the digging until the middle of June when it was easier digging. The trench was six feet deep and on the completion of digging we started to unravel the water hose from the pump house to the fountains. About twelve feet from the fountain and level with the bottom of the water hose I found something that amazed me. You couldn’t guess in a million years what I came across. Imagine,
ﬁnding a circle about the size of a top of a ﬁve gallon pail ﬁlled with round coloured stones the size of medium marbles. What fascinated me was that these coloured perfectly round rocks were packed in this circle like candies in a small container. I was really dumbfounded. Until this day I don’t know why I didn’t take a few and have been sorry ever since. One of the reasons was that we wanted to complete the water system as soon as possible for the simple reason that the longer it took to complete the job the more it would cost. However, the work was ﬁnished and we were very happy because either Dad and I or Edna and I didn’t have to stand on guard while the animals were drinking and hope that they wouldn’t stampede. It really was a blessing for us to watch the animals drinking out of the fountain instead of run-
ning after them. I never gave those small coloured rocks much of a thought until about some forty ﬁve years later. Just before the winter set in, I asked a backhoe operator from Lamont if he could come and dig up the trench. However, he was busy doing work for a company that would take him a couple of weeks. There was another backhoe operator in Hilliard, so I quickly got in touch with him. He didn’t have the time as he was leaving for Mexico for a holiday. Many nights were sleepless because ﬂashes would come to my mind asking me why I didn’t do something about it half a century sooner. I decided to leave things until spring and ﬁnd out what the score is. It took quite some time to ﬁnd a person who was the Head of Geology. TO BE CONTINUED...
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January 18, 2013
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Flimsy Whimsy: Brew By JAI MURUGAN firstname.lastname@example.org
Now oft outlawed but once prevalent initiation rites, whether it is to a cult, a school, a sorority, a not-so-secret secret service organization, or a tree-house club, often involved the imbibing of some sort of brew. The rite of passage of putting the blindfolded trust into the previously initiated members’ hands holding the of concoction was practically as mandatory as the signature on an application form. What of this brew? Beer laced with cayenne and the best prescription tasteless laxative money can buy? Turtle eyes, poke of ground coal, stale coffee, and moldy goldenrod sprouts? Cooled lavender tea with a touch of pure organic clover honey topped with a touch of fresh cinnamon? Expensive French cognac? Freshly picked grass, unknown berries, egg yolk, ground cob of corn, and chocolate cookie? Plain Kool-aid with a quarter gram of Brewer’s Yeast stolen from Mother’s pantry? Who can resist the call of the initiation coordinator? “Now for the third and ﬁnal step before entrance to this grand organization is what we term the ‘drinking of the brew’. Assistant, is the blindfold ready? Second mate, what about the aspirant? Is he all set for imbibing?” “Oh Master, I do believe yon aspirant has been prepared in all ways worthy of this clan.” “And what about the brew, humble Brewster? Hast thou completed it according to sacred recipe, rule, and rites?” And the little guy responds: “Certainly. I believe it be sufﬁcient to kill an elephant. Maybe two. If not, then the smell will kill an albatross beyond the clouds. Maybe two.” And so with all the false bravado hormones can muster, the initiate chugs the swill, thus forever entwining himself in the group karma of said sect. “Ah, but she tastes mighty ﬁne,” says he, before heading directly at the well placed vomit urn.
Biscuits and Gravy: Nose To Spite
perfect method for such a task. Don’t smirk and giggle, my dad is just as digniﬁed if not more than I am.
By BRIAN MASON
Dad laid on the stretcher after being prepped for surgery. Though, when the nurses came in they began to hyperventilate and nearly drop to the ﬂoor laughing. Being that it was close to Christmas helped too cause folks there in the bed sat Rudolph himself, nose a ﬂashin’ like a light house in a red-light district. That’s right, he had strapped on a ﬂashing red nose and just sat there with a big grin on his face. Though it certainly would have been difﬁcult to hear over the laughter, as the nurses went to get the doctor to show him, my dad simply explained that he ﬁg’red he’d help out a bit.
E v e r h e a r the express i o n “cutting off your nose to spite your face”? It’s a classic that really these days you don’t hear quite as often as you did in the old days. Of course, there again, there’s a lot of things y’all won’t hear much anymore, especially that elusive thing called “thank you”. That one is about as rare as a crosseyed coon at a hound dog fashion show. But I digress yet again. I declare, folks, I run more rabbits than a hyperactive greyhound racing marathon on steroids. That original sayin’, the one I mentioned before getting side tracked, takes a whole new meaning in my family. You see back in the days of yonder, not an inkling of a clue when, but you know eons ago back when I was still ﬁghting the epic loosing battle with zits and dad still had some hair, my dad had a unique predicament. He had an item on his nose that the doctor decided needed to come off; not a wart mind you but something a bit more intrusive. Well as some of you know, surgeons have the location marked for surgery so that they know without a shadow of a doubt that they have the right spot to cut. Of course, my dad knowing full well about this, decided that he wanted to help. I mean what digniﬁed man of the cloth wouldn’t want to be of assistance? Of course my dad, being so digniﬁed as he was, chose the
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Though in as tense a setting as that hospital room my dad had taught everyone around a valuable lesson. You see, although there was a great deal of stress around, hurt and pain every moment had a silver lining to it, something that detracted it from the pain of the moment. He taught them that although we hurry about our lives and get downtrodden at the things that ﬁll up our days or the pain we face, life itself is precious. Sure there’s going to be moments that drag us down, certainly moments of despair. But folks sure as that single ﬂower that blooms on a war torn battleﬁeld, there is a beauty to every moment of life. Our lives are a gift and although tragic at times, they are ﬁlled with beauty and wonder all about us. We simply have to remember to stop and smell those roses, even with a ﬂashy nose if necessary. Because folks, if we don’t, we only end up cutting off our own nose to spite our face by letting our lives go to waste. ing Twitter is a valuable support system for helping people lose weight. Study participants mainly used Twitter to provide information support to each other. AMERICANS HAVE WORSE HEALTH. On
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DO YOU TRUST BROWN OR BLUE? People view brown-eyed faces as more trustworthy than those with blue eyes, except if the blue eyes belong to a broad-faced man, according to research published at Charles University in the Czech Republic. Except where otherwise copyrighted, all content of this newspaper, including advertisements, is Copyright 2012, Tuckbook Inc. Editor: Judy Sellin (email@example.com); Senior Editor: Reece Sellin (reece@ overeasyplease.com); Advertising Inquiries: (firstname.lastname@example.org); Mail: PO Box 20005, Fort Saskatchewan, AB, T8L 4C8; Phone: 780-9340139; Fax: 780-589-1188.