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Connectability by Regina Sewell Columbus may not sit on rolling hills overlooking the Pacific Ocean or welcome visitors across a Golden Gate Bridge. And we may not have the fabulousity of the Big Apple. But we have something just as magical. We have connectability, and that matters when it comes to mental, emotional and physical well-being. People are hard-wired for connection. And when those needs are met, we have more energy, feel more vibrant and have more zest for life. We are better able to act and therefore tend to do more. We tend to have a more accurate picture of ourselves and others. We can connect more deeply with significant others and have more room to connect with a variety of other people. In contrast, when we are disconnected, our energy, zest and vitality plummet. We feel disempowered, confused, have a lower sense of self-worth and tend to turn inward, away from relationships. Unfortunately, connecting isn’t easy for everybody. Neuroscience tells us why this might be the case. The brain patterns our experiences into mental models that shape how we perceive future experiences. Our early life experiences set the tone for these mental models. So, for example, a person who grew up in an unsafe environment will most likely go through the world hard-wired to perceive danger. It’s as if they have an internal fire alarm that’s set to sound off at even the faintest whiff of a lit match. Similarly, a person who grew up with a parent who wasn’t present, (that is, one who was not attentive to and not connected with his or her own body) is likely to grow up with a mental model that the world isn’t safe. The reason is that in order to feel safe, a per-
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son has to feel like they are truly “felt” – to feel like their needs and expressions are understood. A parent who isn’t present can’t “feel” their child, and can’t respond appropriately to their needs and expressions. That child is likely to grow up “waiting for the other shoe to drop.” These sorts of experiences lead a person to develop mental models that filter all of their experiences through the lens of vulnerability and danger. That is, they are primed to perceive situations as not safe. The safe/not safe distinction happens mostly below consciousness and happens at the nanosecond level. A determination of “not safe” leads the mind/body system to shut down and leave the present moment. What this means is that some people have a hard time engaging in deep, meaningful interactions with others because they have a tendency to perceive people, places and things as dangerous. As a result, they withdraw or only engage half-heartedly, or they try too hard to be who they think others want them to be. The good news for us is that Cbus has a vibrant gay community that offers lots of opportunities to connect with people who share our interests, lifestyles, and values. • There are more than 25 gay bars, restaurants and clubs, so it is easy find a place to get your groove on, catch some live entertainment, grab a bite to eat, hang out with friends and/or meet new peeps. And there is plenty of life outside the bars. • If sobriety is your thing (or needs to be your thing) there are a number of GLBT oriented AA and NA groups where you can find the support you need to keep you from falling off the wagon. • Movie buffs can get their indie film fix at the Drexel. • If you’re into sports, there are a number of GLBT sports leagues
including softball, bowling and swimming. And where else can you cheer on the Blue Jackets, the Clippers and the Ohio Roller Girls? • Networking anyone? Why not checkout Network Columbus? • If you have a longing for spirituality, there are many GLBT-welcoming churches (you can find a list of them at www.gaychurch.org), several welcoming Buddhist groups and a variety of yoga studios. Rabbi Steven Greenberg, a Cbus native, makes appearances in town reminding us that there’s room for us even in Orthodox Judaism. He is the author of Wrestling with God and Men: Homosexuality in the Jewish Tradition and starred in Trembling Before G-d, the award-winning documentary about gays and lesbians within Jewish Orthodox and Hasidic communities. • If you need connection possibilities that are a bit more structured, Stonewall Columbus hosts a slew of groups, classes and opportunities to hang out. And every June, they throw a great Pride celebration. The bottom line is that being around people who are like us and or with whom we share things in common makes it easier for us to feel safe. And when we feel safe, we are more easily able to connect. And when we connect, we thrive. Even better, when we have positive experiences connecting with others, our brain begins to form updated mental models that frame the world as safe. So Cbus may not have a great lake, or a beach, and sunny days are not the norm, but we do have connectability, and that’s saying a lot. To ask Regina a question, find out about upcoming workshops or check out her books and other writing, go to www.ReginaSewell.com.
How many people will you “connect” with during Pride Fest weekend?
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