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OtherPress. The

Room 1020 – 700 Royal Ave. Douglas College New Westminster, BC V3L 5B2


STAFF LIST Jacey Gibb Editor-in-chief  Natalie Serafini Assistant Editor  Angela Ho Business Manager Chris Paik Distribution Manager

Can I have my cake and write about it too? Jacey Gibb Editor-in-chief

Cody Klyne Layout Manager Joel McCarthy Graphics Manager Ed Appleby Ilustrator Jony Roy Social Media Coordinator Angela Espinoza News Editor  Cheryl Minns Arts Editor  Sophie Isbister Life & Style Editor  Elliot Chan Opinions Editor  Eric Wilkins Sports Editor  Courtnie Martin Sports Reporter Sharon Miki Humour Editor  Aidan Mouellic Cazzy Lewchuk Julia Siedlanowska Staff Writers Steven Cayer, Brittney MacDonald Senior Columnists Adam Tatelman Columnists Andrea Arscott, Danny Dillabough, Lindsey Florio, Mark Hendricks, Margaret Matthews, Taylor Pitt, Mike Specht, Oliver McTavish-Wisden Contributors




’m not sure how it happened, but this year I’ll be turning 24. That’s a year for every hour of the day; it means I’m just a handful of birthdays away from my 10-year high school reunion; and no matter how much I choose to avoid acknowledging it, I’m an adult. Bleh. A significant part of the whole adulting business is getting an adult job, most commonly referred to as a career. But as my transcripts will tell you, I’m still a few years away from having to deal with that milestone. If I haul ass, I’ll be done all of the appropriate schooling in two years; the gentler, saner path has me in post-secondary for at least another three. While many young people are plagued with uncertainty over what they plan to do for a career, I’ve been cursed with the ambition to know exactly what I want to do—the only problem is it involves two occupations that may not be able to co-exist peacefully: an elementary teacher and a writer. Since I can remember, I’ve always wanted to be a teacher. (Aside from when I was five and I told my parents I wanted to

be a vacuum cleaner, due to my affinity for eating food off of the kitchen floor.) I rocked my prereqs as soon as I got to Douglas and I’m now finishing up my English degree at Simon Fraser before enrolling in the 12-month Professional Development Program. After that I’ll have my teaching certificate. Pretty straight-forward, right? The only thing holding me back is my love for writing. For the past seven months I’ve been able to financially support myself between two Editorin-chief jobs. I’m by no means making enough money to do fun things like start saving or take a vacation, but for the first time in my life my work corresponds with my passion. It’s an intoxicating feeling—and one I hope to experience again after I move onto other positions. So where exactly is this conflict? If I can do one thing I love while I work towards something else I love, isn’t that a dream scenario? It’s a problem because I feel myself coming to a point where I have to pick one or the other. A side effect of being a writer, especially in the digital age, is nearly everything you say is readily available online. Much like you hear about people getting fired for comments made on Twitter or secrets coming out after a potential employer

peruses your Facebook profile, things I say and write about can be found online long after most print copies have disappeared. Everyone’s skeletons have an html code and it puts an interesting twist on the employee screening process. I don’t feel like most of the topics I write about are necessarily controversial—feminism, growing up, my cat—but the idea that people can, after typing nine letters on a keyboard and hitting search, find out a substantial amount about me is frightening. A group of people, say a school board looking to hire a new elementary teacher, might think otherwise. It’s painful to say but there are topics I’ve held myself back from writing about because the thought has crossed my mind: what if this comes back to me later and I regret it? Some of you might see that as cowardice; I call it foresight. It’s recognizing that things we say have repercussions and that we have to be conscious of it. A luxury I had growing up was a foundation of encouragement from my parents who always told me to do what I love. Follow my dreams, pursue my passion, and all those fortune cookie comments meant to build me up to impossible heights. The likelihood of any of our dream jobs translating into

actuality is minimal; to say I want to be a writer is fairly unrealistic, but something I refuse to abandon due to fear of failure. As I enter the later years of post-secondary, I feel myself being pulled in two different directions. As valuable as your schoolwork is, networking is equally or even more important. If I dedicate all of my extracurricular hours to pursuing writing and interacting with people who do the same, there isn’t as much time to meet other early educators and mingle with that crowd. The early educator field is difficult to get into and volunteering/making connections is one of the best ways to improve your chances of getting a job. The same can be said for writing. The further along I go, the harder it is to balance both. If my plight sounds familiar and you’re experiencing something similar—feeling torn between pursuing one passion or another—I regrettably have no answer for what to do. In that utopian future, I’m able to purse both interests, even if one takes a subservient role to the other. But whether this is likely or even possible is yet to be seen.

Get to know us!

 The Other Press has been Douglas College’s student newspaper since 1976. Since 1978 we have been an autonomous publication, independent of the student union. We are a registered society under the Society Act of British Columbia, governed by an eight-person board of directors appointed by our staff. Our head office is located in the New Westminster campus.

the summer. We receive our funding from a student levy collected through tutition fees every semester at registration, and from local and national advertising revenue. The Other Press is a member of the Canadian University Press (CUP), a syndicate of student newspapers that includes papers from all across Canada.

 The Other Press reserves the right to choose what we will publish, and we will not publish material

that is hateful, obscene, or condones or promotes illegal activities. Submissions may be edited for clarity and brevity if necessary. All images used are copyright to their respective owners.

 The Other Press is published weekly during the fall and winter semesters, and monthly during

This issue:

Have an idea for a story? Let us know!

 TED Talks’ first year in Vancouver

Contact: Angela Espinoza, News Editor

 UNIBUG forum features keynote speaker Elizabeth Elle


 Portland Hotel Society audit exposes questionable expenses

And more!

Where are your tuition fees going?  DSU budget consultation to be held on March 26


Julia Siedlanowska Staff Writer

he Douglas Students’ Union (DSU) is hosting a budget consultation with key decision makers at Douglas College to provide students with an opportunity to voice their concerns. Some concerns that the DSU has outlined are rising tuition fees, the over half-a-million dollars spent each year on advertising, course waitlisting, and the $60-million budget surplus stored in the college’s reserve fund. Every year the Douglas College board creates a yearly budget and presents the draft to the community. The board gives copies to the staff and students, seeks feedback in the ensuing month, and at the main college board meeting they vote on the budget for the coming year. “For the 2014/15 budget, what we have heard and what we do know is that they are proposing tuition fee increases again,” says Tracy Ho, the DSU’s college relations and membership outreach coordinator. The tuition fees for domestic students are capped at a two per cent maximum increase per year as per provincial government policy, which would mean about a $50-60 increase for full-time students. “For the decision makers, they might think $50 [or] $100 isn’t a big deal, but it is for a student who has $0 and nothing in their bank account,” says Ho. The squeeze is being felt by students and their families, adds Ho: “We have seen an increase in the use of our food bank in both campuses. In the last year we have increased our monthly budget to make sure that we have enough food for students, so we know on a day-to-day level students are struggling.” Ho also pointed to the fact that wages were not increasing at the same rate as tuition, and that as living costs rise, the

debt is being transferred more and more to families. While tuition increases, Douglas College has been experiencing a surplus in their budget over the last 11 years. This year the expected surplus is about $2.7 million, making the total over the last 11 years about $60 million. The surplus is from a number of different sources, including increased tuition and higher enrolment, and is stored into a restricted capital fund. “The problem with the surpluses is that at the year end, this money goes into a reserve fund that cannot be touched,” says Ho. What this means, according to Ho, is that the college cannot use the money to fund ESL programs that have been cut back, for example. “The fund is sitting there for future use… right now there are talks and future plans about building a new building,” she says. Internal relations coordinator, Jesse Stamberg, pointed out that “[the reserve fund] is essentially… a government fund. And what the government does is they consider it their savings.” The provincial government is able to count all the reserve money as part of their budget. “So… they count [the reserve fund] on the books, as their money, so that they can have a balanced budget at the end of the year,” adds Ho. Douglas College is unable to access the funds without the permission of the provincial government. Both Ho and Stamberg stated that part of the problem students have with this major surplus is that they are not seeing the results of the tuition increases now. The money is not being spent on issues such as large class waitlists, lack of and poor quality academic advising, and outdated computers; instead, the money is being used to save for a future that current students may not directly benefit from. “Why are tuition fees being increased when we know in the last 11 years we’ve been seeing millions of dollars in surpluses every year? And it’s a struggle.

[Students are asking] ‘How can you justify that?’” says Ho. Stamberg points out that while other institutions are using increased tuition fees just to break even from a deficit, Douglas College “is in such a stable financial position it just doesn’t make sense for them to continuously essentially gouge students for the additional two per cent every year.” Another issue is the halfa-million dollars the college spends on advertising each year. “They did the ads at the Vancouver Olympics and they also do the ads at Canucks games, Giants games, Lions, and White Caps games,” says Ho. Stamberg pointed out that the advertising wasn’t targeting the right demographic of prospective students. “I mean most students can’t afford to go to Canucks games—and that’s really not the demographic that is going to Douglas.” Ho also pointed out that the college already budgets for an additional 25 students a year, and that the college infrastructure is already at maximum capacity. “It’s confusing and frustrating to see all this advertising and yet it’s not like we have hundreds of spaces to fill. We actually need to open new sections and courses.” These issues affect domestic and international students; however, there is a whole set of specific concerns for international students. While domestic student fee increases are regulated at a maximum two per cent increase per year, international fees are unregulated. “For internationals the first year it was about a 7.4 per cent increase, and then 4.1, and now a two per cent, so there are significant increases when they have the capacity to be able to use the funding that they currently have,” says Stamberg. Ho also states that the college often uses a “myth” that international students have more money, and that they and their families equate higher price with higher value, to justify an increase in student fees.

By “We did the survey of 161 students and asked ‘Could you accept the increase in tuition fees?’ and 79.4 per cent of the respondents answered ‘No,’” says Keiko Nariya, member-atlarge at the DSU. The budget consultation will occur on March 26 from 12:30 to 2 p.m. and from 4:30 to 6 p.m., in room 4920 at the New Westminster campus and in room B3011 at the David Lam campus. “It’s really important for students to come. This is a huge opportunity to have students say ‘These are our needs, this is my everyday experience as a student,’” says Ho. “Students should know that they are supported by their students’ union. We understand that it’s scary to go up there and talk, but know that students are backing each other up.”

Stamberg points out that while other institutions are using increased tuition fees just to break even from a deficit, Douglas College, “is in such a stable financial position it just doesn’t make sense for them to continuously essentially gouge students for the additional two per cent every year.

news // 4

TED Talks’ first year in Vancouver  A recap of the week’s events Angela Espinoza News Editor  news


rom March 17-21, Vancouver had the honour of hosting this year’s batch of TED Talks. Roughly 130 speakers presented on topics from technology and health to nature and design. Amongst the list of speakers were the likes of Edward Snowden, Sting, Bill and Melinda Gates, Charlie Rose, Amanda Palmer, Chris Hadfield, Philip Zimbardo, and Jane McGonigal. Although tickets for the mere 1,200 seats were priced at $7,500 each, various wings of the Vancouver Convention Centre hosted live screenings for free to registered persons. Many locations throughout the lower mainland were also able to stream the talks such as various post-secondary schools (including Douglas College’s New West campus) and public libraries. The theme of this year’s TED Talks was to explore where the past 30 years have brought

us, as 2014 is TED’s 30th anniversary. The move out from California to Vancouver was a way to celebrate both the great changes that have happened in the world over time, and the changes that have happened more locally. These past three decades have seen Vancouver grow into a renowned metropolis. Vancouver further benefits from TED’s presence, as the Globe and Mail has confirmed TED Talks will remain here for the 2015 year as well. Whether this means Vancouver will be a home of sorts for TED Talks is uncertain. To signify the major changes that brought TED to Vancouver, an enormous art project was placed above the Convention Centre’s outdoor area. According to the Huffington Post, the 745foot sculpture, entitled “Skies Painted with Unnumbered Sparks,” hanging in the air was weaved by artist Janet Echelman. In addition, Google Creative Lab digital artist Aaron Koblin helped in making the sky bridge an interactive, digitally ephemeral art project.

When lit up at night, people could use an app that would let them briefly draw animations onto the sculpture. Echelman, a weaver of dream catchers and other art projects, created the net-like piece out of extremely strong fibres. Echelman said in an interview: “It’s a metaphor for a way of being in the world in that you need to be able to go in, share what you want to share, and leave without a trace.” She also revealed that after a full week, “Skies Painted” would be taken to other major cities. This could be a tour in a way for the artist and her unique work of art. Ideally the piece will return home to Vancouver once traveling is done. TED Talks have had a powerful, positive effect in Vancouver. TED curator Chris Anderson stated to the Globe and Mail that he intended on TED Talks remaining in Vancouver past 2015: “Based on the feedback, I would predict that we’re going to be here for quite a few years. I hope so.” Skies Painted with Unnumbered Sparks // By Jonathan Wilinofsky

Bugs with Benefits: protecting the bee population  UNIBUG forum features keynote speaker Elizabeth Elle Angela Espinoza News Editor  news


he User Network for Insect Biology in the Urban Garden (UNIBUG) is set to host its first public forum of the year on March 29. With an early reception at 9 a.m., the forum itself will be taking place from 10 a.m. to 12 p.m. in room 2201 at the New West campus. To tell us more about the event, we interviewed UNIBUG project coordinator and urban ecology technician Dr. Veronica Wahl. UNIBUG, which grew from 30 volunteer candidates to 300 volunteer candidates since its inception, is a project started by Wahl through Douglas College. The purpose of the project is to get people involved with the nature that occurs in cities. Where the project initially began with monitoring bugs (such as beetles) that hunt pests,

it’s since grown to include monitoring pollinators, from hummingbirds to butterflies to the many types of bees— bees being this forum’s focus. With various bee populations in danger of extinction, a major part of this forum will be learning how to make small nests for bees to safely lay and hatch eggs, called “bee houses.” “We’re going to have a tutorial on how to make your own bee house,” Wahl explains, “and we’ve got some supplies so people… will have enough to get them started.” The process of making bee houses involves the crucial step of making tight, paper tubes by hand. “The important thing is making these tubes correctly, because [the female bee] is laying her eggs, and because it’s so important to their lifestyle, and because she’s working herself to death, she’s very careful that she picks a good tube. And they actually have researched that she actually

goes and she checks out a whole pile of tubes and picks her tube.” From there, attendees will be provided with two litre pop bottles. Painting the bottles is necessary to keep sunlight out, and will also allow the makers to get creative. The capped end of the bottles will be cut off, and the tubes will then be placed into the bottles. Afterwards, once the bottle is reasonably full, bubble wrap will be placed inside to keep the tubes from moving around, protecting the baby bees from strong winds. “Then people can take [the bee houses] home and put them out. And what we’re asking people to do is, three times between now and the fall, to take photos of them and say [how many tubes to bees they have]… so we can add it to our big collage and get information that way,” Wahl adds. Wahl went on to explain that the bee houses are

primarily for bees that do not reside in hives. Rather, these are bees that make their own mini-hive of sorts, laying only their eggs and feeding only their young in, for example, a bamboo stem. “[W]hen you talk about bees, most people think of bees as they live in a hive, they make honey, they’re all in a big colony, right? That’s actually the minority of the bees, and the majority of the bees that will pollinate in your yard are not those bees at all. It’s the mason bees and what we call solitary bees,” Wahl elaborated. Prior to the bee house tutorial, there will be a keynote presentation. In years past, typically two keynotes were asked to present, but the addition of the bee house tutorial was felt to be necessary, as it provides attendees with a hands-on lesson on how to preserve an important part of nature. “We’re going to have [Dr.] Elizabeth Elle as our

keynote speaker. She’s chair of biology at SFU, and she’s a pollinator expert,” Wahl says. “People don’t have to be worried because… she’s one of the best people at taking scientific information and presenting it in a way that anyone can understand it and find entertaining. She knows all about bees and pollinators and what’s happening to bee populations.” In addition, a detailed introduction to UNIBUG, results from the previous year’s work, door prizes, new volunteer opportunities, and volunteer appreciation will occur during the forum. Another important note is that once the bee houses are made and taken home, they can be reused to house more bees in the future. Wahl also pointed out that wooden bee houses can be made for more durability, although building one is a process that would take more than an hour-long tutorial to go over.

issue 24 // volume 40

news // 5

David Lam hosts Veterinary Technology Career Evening and Speaker Series  Program coordinator Pauline Chow highlights the events Angela Espinoza News Editor  news

On March 27, Douglas College’s Veterinary (Animal Health) Technology two-year program will be hosting a Career Evening. The event will run from 6 to 9 p.m., starting in the A1470 lecture theatre, and will feature several speakers discussing what the veterinary technology field has to offer. The next instalment of the program’s CE Speaker Series will be April 24, running from 7 to 9 p.m., and this time covering, Hot Topics in Preventative Medicine. Program coordinator and Veterinarian Dr. Pauline Chow spoke with

us about what the two evenings and future events have to offer students. On explaining the Career Evening, Chow stated: “This is basically an opportunity for our students, past graduates, and local VTAHT’s [veterinary technologists and animal health technologists] to come and see what opportunities are available in this field. I believe everyone has a good idea of what veterinarians do and can do, but the veterinary technology field is not one that everybody’s familiar with. If you do have pets… it is the vet tech who will be doing the nursing and hands-on care of your animal. “We have invited the student grads and community

VTAHT’s to the evening, but… if anybody is interested, they are welcome to come and wander around. For the first hour-anda-half, we are having invited speakers and representatives describe what their career paths have been… as well [as] provide advice to our students or grads or even those in the community that are seeking a change. From the lecture theatre [we’ll go] to the atrium, [where] there will be booths set up… and that should go on until… 8:30 to 9 p.m.” For those who are not familiar with veterinary or animal health technology, Chow suggested that an easier introduction to the field would be to attend an info session, as they provide a starting point before the more in-depth

discussions at the Career Evenings. The next info session will be on April 8 beginning at 5 p.m. As for the CE Speaker Series (which has additional instalments planned for May 29 and June 26), these lectures are targeted firmly at those involved with the Veterinary Technology and Animal Health Technology program and general field. The CE Speaker Series presents invited guests to speak on specific topics important to the VTAHT field as a way to stir discussion and provide background on some of the more complicated issues. Technical services veterinarian Dr. Ed Doornenbal will be the honoured speaker at the upcoming April 24

CE Speaker Series event. Presented in part by Boehringer Ingelheim Canada, the lecture is intended to cover controversial topics in modern veterinary technology. According to the RSVP website, topics such as vaccinations and alternative preventative medicines will be discussed, as well as what developments have been made in securing the health and safety of animals brought in for various treatments. Because this is an industry-sponsored event, VTAHT students, Vet Techs, and Veterinarians are encouraged to attend. If you have any questions about this and other vaccine related topics, Chow urges you to begin the conversation with your own veterinarian.

Portland Hotel Society audit exposes $400k in questionable expenses  Managers and entire board have since stepped down Angela Espinoza News Editor  news


ccording to a February 26 audit by Vancouver Coastal Health (VCH), the nonprofit Portland Hotel Society (PHS) racked up a number of questionable expenses by its managers between 2012 and 2013. The audit report, which is available to the public through the VCH website, outlines several key expenditures that reveal poor to no documentation, and yet were charged to PHS. One such expenditure included a trip in May 2012 to Disneyland Resort in Anaheim, California totalling $2,694.95. BC NDP MLA Jenny Kwan and her thenhusband Robert Dan Small, who was a director for PHS, were responsible for the Disneyland trip spending; their family went on vacation. The PHS, which was founded in 1993, has served to provide funding to various businesses that aid in helping the poor and homeless. According to the Vancouver Sun, businesses funded by the PHS include East Van Roasters, a coffee shop that employees struggling women, the Rainier Hotel, a housing and aide complex for struggling women, and the Community Thrift Store. Perhaps the PHS most

well-known project is Insite, a “supervised injection site” established in 2003 meant to help people overcome needlebased addictions. What the PHS has represented to many in the Downtown East Side, for all their help in funding these businesses and institutions, makes the reveal of the audit significantly more devastating for the community. Amongst the issues labelled “high priority” in the audit, “lack of clarity over administrative expenses” and “many expenses are questionable and/or lack supporting documentation” were listed immediately in the first and second spots. The audit defines high priority as, “An issue that could have a significant impact and should be corrected immediately.” In total, five of the 12 issues were labelled as high priority, while the rest were “moderate priority”—there were no “low priority” standings noted. The audit also reveals the extent of the spending, with a rough total of $446,094 covered by 11 credit cards. Managers were only able to provide 14 of the 29 receipts chosen for inspection; 10 of the receipts found were considered to not be “appropriate use of funds.” Over $20,000 in spending has been applied to hotel and travel accommodations in Europe. Although many of the Europe-based purchases were stated to be business- or

research-related, credit history revealed money was spent on luxury suites, alcohol, and flowers. Some additional spending includes: $917.83 on “a staff baby shower”; $1,807.68 on “a Christmas ‘thank you’ event”; $1,636.51 (of a $3636.51 bill) “at a restaurant for a staff appreciation event.” The additional $2,000 was removed by the restaurant based on an undocumented “reduced rent” agreement; $678.23 on “a limousine company for travel of 11 individuals from Fairmont Pacific Rim to Grouse Mountain and then to a PHS director’s house.” Since the audit’s public reveal, each of the 13 PHS managers and board members have stepped down. Managers included Small, Kerstin Stuerzbecher, Liz Evans, and Mark Townsend. Kwan says she has paid back the $35,000 that she owes for money spent on trips to Disneyland and Europe, and maintains that she thought her husband had paid for the trips personally. New board members will be elected at the next annual general meeting. What this means for the PHS’ future is uncertain. The event that the PHS would be shut down entirely is unlikely; however, the Vancouver Sun has pointed out that many in the East Side community are concerned with who could be taking over in the future.

Mark Townsend, executive director of the Portland Hotel Society By Huffington Post

This issue:

Seen something worth sharing?

 Good artists copy, great artists steal

Contact: Cheryl Minns, Arts Editor

 Child stars embrace their true callings


 Make a ‘Good Mistake’

And more!

Prepare to die… again

 ‘Dark Souls’ outdoes itself with awesome sequel Adam Tatelman Columnist


love Dark Souls’ robust RPG elements, tense dungeoncrawling, hundreds of hidden secrets, and brobdingnagian bosses. It balances with style between challenge and frustration, transforming rage into exhilaration with every victory. Despite Dark Souls’ reputation as a time-sink for depressed masochists, Dark Souls II may change some minds. The game is no easier than the first, but the mechanics are more adequately explained, new items make multi-classing viable, and checkpoints allow fast-travel. This accessibility is complimented by mobile archery, more varied enemy types, an overhauled weapon

crafting system, and most impressive of all a world over twice the size of the first game’s one that’s rendered without loading screens from area to area. You, an eternally reincarnating Undead, have come to the long-fallen kingdom of Drangleic in search of a way to lift the Curse upon you, waylaid at every turn by eldritch horrors. Story-wise, that’s all the direction you get apart from muted myths told by abandoned architecture and the curious descriptions of items you acquire. Drangleic’s hubris played out eons ago; whether the tale matters is up to you. Some bemoan this indirect narrative, but I feel it allows the story to be naturally flexible. Whether you’re looking for exploration and lore or contextless challenge, the Dark Souls series lets you get as invested as you like without spoon-feeding you the plot.

Though both games involve similar themes, the stories and worlds are self-contained— newcomers need apply. Weapons and armour degrade faster than before and some of the bosses rely on irritating gradual damage effects, but this just means the player has to get more creative. Though your resources are limited and the path endless, there’s always a way through. Your every choice is risk-versusreward. Forge ahead through perils unknown, or resupply at the bonfire as your enemies regroup? There’s no right or wrong answer. The game won’t hold your hand, so every impossible victory belongs to you alone. For me, a game becomes art when it’s no longer about epic loot but about man’s indomitable will. Give it a go and you may discover the depth of your own determination. Screenshot from Dark Souls 2 // By

Comic Corner: Confusion comes standard

Steven’s Man-Cave:

 ‘Axe Cop: Volume 1’ review

A promising beginning

Brittney MacDonald Senior Columnist

 ‘Metal Gear Solid 5: Ground Zeroes’ review


xe Cop continues the disposable tradition of comics by ignoring continuity and celebrating the one-liner in much the same way Archie and Peanuts once did. This unique, imaginative comic seems perfectly suited to the Funny Pages—more so than a full-length graphic novel—but that’s what you get when you hand over your entire writing department to a nine-yearold. Axe Cop began as a Facebook project by brother duo Ethan and Malachai Nicolle. Ethan decided to illustrate the ideas of his younger brother, who happened to be five at the time. What resulted was a brawny, axe-wielding police officer/superhero who fights zombies to protect unicorn babies alongside militant dinosaurs.

Steven Cayer Senior Columnist By www.

Needless to say, reading this was highly entertaining, but there isn’t much in the way of plot to discuss. Since this comic is written by a child, the arcs can seem unfocussed or random. Some ideas are retained throughout the novel, while others are never mentioned again. It’s basically very similar to listening to a kindergartner play with action figures; there’s something going on, you just have no idea what it is or where it’s coming from. That being said, the comic is actually a lot of fun.

Artistically the aesthetic is very cartoony. Ethan uses bright colours and solid lines with a very minimal amount of refined detail to match with the over-the-top exaggeration of his brother’s ideas. Comparing this novel to any of the previous works I’ve reviewed with high ratings is like comparing jelly beans to oranges—it’s a fun story but as a graphic novel it falls short. Therefore, I suggest this book if end of term or exam stress have you down.


t’s been six long years since we’ve crawled in camouflage as the increasingly roughlooking Solid Snake in Metal Gear Solid 4: Sons of the Patriots. Finally, Snake is back in a brand-new, fully next-gen game called Metal Gear Solid 5: Ground Zeroes, which is a prologue to Hideo Kojima’s next endeavour, The Phantom Pain. The game takes place in 1975 and Snake is tasked with infiltrating an American black site in Cuba, locating two highvalue targets, and extracting them via helicopter. That is the main mission in the game. You also get four side-missions

where you are tasked with doing various things at the same location, like assassinating or protecting somebody. Visually it’s gorgeous, especially on the PS4. The gameplay actually has the same quality as the cut-scenes, which are normally better. The gameplay itself challenges you to not be seen or heard by anybody. If you do get seen, you’re basically screwed. The upside is that it feels a lot better when you finally do beat the level without being seen. The downside of this game is the cost, which I think should be about half of what it is now. It costs $40 for around six hours of gameplay if you take your time. So I recommend waiting to get this game, if you can, until closer to the release date of Phantom Pain. I’m guessing it might even be free by then.

issue 24 // volume 40

arts // 7

‘Pearls 33’ presents literary gems  Authors read works at book launch Cheryl Minns Arts Editor  arts


ouglas College’s Creative Writing department celebrated another year of remarkable student prose at the annual Pearls anthology book launch on March 21. The event included nine author readings that ranged from fiction and personal narrative to poetry and scripts. Several of the readings had a comedic element, which got the crowd laughing and made for a delightful evening.

Instructors from the Creative Writing department introduced each student before a reading and included many positive remarks about each author. “If there were a prize for romantic comedy—which we don’t have, I’m sorry—Whitney Sharp would win it. She has mastered this form,” Glenda Leznoff said as she introduced Sharp’s play, Sex Versus I Love You, which is featured in Pearls 33. In order to perform the scripts with multiple characters

at the event, students brought classmates and friends with them to read the other characters’ lines. Sharp played her lead character while a classmate, Joshua Grant, who is also featured in Pearls 33, played the character’s female roommate as well as her male date. Blake Rayment’s Demon Stephen, which was the last Pearls 33 reading of the evening, required three readers to fill the roles. The event also featured poetry readings, which had varying styles and themes, but one common element

was prevalent: the poets wrote about food. From Zack Billyard’s Infinite Serpent about students lining up at the Tim Hortons, to Laurie Mackie’s Green Apples and Salt, to Danny Sabernezhad’s Sampling Gelato Ice Cream, it seems that if there is one thing on college students’ minds it’s food. After the author readings, Calvin Wharton, the chair of the Creative Writing department, announced two winners for the Maurice Hodgson Memorial Award and scholarships. The silver award and $500 scholarship went to Kira Russell,

who presented her acceptance speech along with an original poem called Grace written from the perspective of her greatgrandfather about her greatgrandmother. The gold award and $1000 scholarship went to Cole Klassen, who read an acceptance speech and a fantasy story called Dove With Red Eyes about a bride-to-be who seeks to hire a man who deals in curses. Copies of Pearls 33 were available for sale at the book launch and sold out before the event ended. The anthology can be purchased at the Douglas College bookstore.

Nobody’s Babysitters  An excerpt from ‘Pearls 33’ Joshua Grant Contributor


shut the door quietly. With a worried look at my partner-in-crime, I slipped out of my jeans (it’s okay, it doesn’t matter) and slumped onto (careful) my side of the bed. We could hear the Voice in the other room talking on the phone, but couldn’t make out the words. I felt bad, that is to say guilty, but not too bad, and also kind

of good, but that might have just been the beer. We flicked off the lights. With a mumbled goodnight I fell into a perhaps dreamless and certainly guiltless sleep. *** When I woke up, it was to a strained and wavery rendition of Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” filtering through the wall behind the headboard. These walls were very thin, I thought, or else the Voice was singing very loudly. Her inability to

hold a note coupled with her persistence was eerie. I worked my tongue over the dry interior of my mouth and turned over in the hotel bed. Taryn was staring at the ceiling. “That’s totally not what people sing when they’re plotting murder, right?” I asked. Taryn laughed. “Yup.” Read the rest of the story in ‘Pearls 33’ Blake Rayment reading “Demon Stephen” from Pearls 33 // By Cheryl Minns

Make a ‘Good Mistake’  ‘Pocketknife’ review Natalie Serafini Assistant Editor  assistant

The album undergoes a sonic metamorphosis as it progresses, introducing more synth and bumping beats in an unforeseen turn that I couldn’t have loved more.

arts // 8

Good artists copy, great artists steal

 The art of Shia LaBeouf Taylor Pitt Contributor


ere’s a statement that’s sure to get under the skin of anyone who follows, enjoys, or has even the smallest passing interest in art: Shia LaBeouf is the greatest artist of the last few years. You’ve probably heard the odd little rumour about LaBeouf plagiarizing his directorial debut,, or how he even plagiarized his apology for plagiarism afterwards. Most people took one look at LaBeouf and said to themselves, “Yeah, what a jerk, he’s exactly the type of kid who would do this kind of thing.” Personally, I find that there’s a lot more than just a spoiled brat acting out and trying to get more credit than he deserves. To the contrary, I find he’s getting too little credit. In February 2013, he wrote a plagiarized email apology— which he later published on Twitter—to Alec Baldwin that was lifted from an Esquire article. Everyone noticed this, but it wasn’t really a big deal until his next tweet. “Invent nothing, deny nothing, speak up, stand up, stay out of school,” LaBeouf stated, taking the words directly from playwright David Mamet.

LaBeouf released his directorial debut on December 16, 2013. Entitled, it seemed to have gathered a considerable amount of praise from critics and audiences alike. However, it wasn’t too long before some noticed a few small similarities between it and the graphic novel Justin M. Damiano by Daniel Clowes. It was basically the same story with a different name and a .com suffix stuck on the end of the title. But that wasn’t enough for LaBeouf. He had to take it one step further and rip off his apology for this blatant rip-off of Clowes’ work by finding a Yahoo! Answers’ comment and pasting it into his Twitter feed. While he only tweeted part of the comment in his statement, here’s the plagiarized quote in its entirety, originally written by Lili on Yahoo! Answers: “Merely copying isn’t particularly creative work, though it’s useful as training and practice. Being inspired by someone else’s idea to produce something new and different IS creative work, and it may even revolutionize the ‘stolen’ concept.” Look at those last few words and see if you’re beginning to notice a pattern. In addition, LaBeouf stole from an entire list of celebrities, including Tiger Woods, Kanye West, Lena Dunham, Robert McNamara, and Mark

Zuckerberg, taking their famous apologies and turning them into his own. It all really kicked off in January this year, though, when LaBeouf launched his metamodernist manifesto, located on metamodernism. org, and then promptly delved into the deepest, darkest pits of the Twitterverse. He tweeted “I AM NOT FAMOUS ANYMORE” a total of 22 times over the course of two months. Finally, on February 11, he released one more Twitter statement, reading “#IAMSORRY,” which was only the kickoff to an art show he held for a week, from 11 a.m. to 6 p.m., spent sitting at a table crying and staring at anyone who wished to come in to see him. Which was, of course, taken from artist Marina Abramovic. While most people see LaBeouf as just another young child star going through the inevitable breakdown cycle of absolute insanity, what I see is a performance art piece that started as soon as he could after the end of the godawful Transformers series. Is it a parody of the repetitive public breakdowns child stars seem to suffer from? An attempt at commentary on the state of modern art? I’m not entirely sure myself, but I’m hoping that we all get to find out soon.

Shia LeBeouf on the red carpet for the premiere of Nymphomaniac By

Child stars embrace their true callings  When fame and money aren’t enough

Aidan Mouellic Staff Writer


hen most child actors start their career, there’s rarely drama. Some go on to become respected adult actors, others pursue education, and then a select few choose to do their own thing regardless of the consequences. Two of these unique individuals, Angus T. Jones and Miley Cyrus, followed their own dreams and found themselves on and off of the CBS hit comedy Two and a Half Men. Jones and Cyrus both began starring in their own television shows when they were children. Jones played a child/teenager on Two and a Half Men and Cyrus played a goofy tween on Disney’s Hannah Montana. Both shows

were successful and, in turn, put these child actors on the map. But both of these stars have blatantly stated their distaste for the shows that made them famous and have spoken out against the messages of their respective shows in different, but equally dramatic, fashion. Jones has made several statements on how he disapproves of the content in Two and a Half Men and has encouraged viewers to stop watching the show. In a recent interview, the 20-year-old actor, who played Jake Harper in the show for 10 years, said that he was a “paid hypocrite” because the themes of the show contradicted his religious beliefs. Jones is a Seventh Day Adventist, a particularly strict Christian sect, and has since left the acting world behind to focus his energies towards his religion and preaching the faith.

On the other hand, Cyrus preached a very different message when she left Hannah Montana and shed her goodgirl image, transforming into a scantily clad singer who encourages others to accept people of all shapes and sizes, as well as partake in less-thanlegal habits (as described in her hit song, “We Can’t Stop”). However, she does seem to know how to keep herself in the media by transitioning from a child actor to an adult singer in a few swift moves. Funnily enough, Jones and Cyrus’s career paths share more than just appearances on Two and a Half Men. When Cyrus left her show, she adopted a radically different hairstyle with short, platinum blonde hair instead of her long, brown locks. In a similar way, Jones changed his style by letting his hair grow long and adopting a

rather Amish-looking beard. It’s interesting though to see that Jones, who essentially grew up on TV with serial partier Charlie Sheen, is doing what is perhaps the least Hollywood thing there is to do: being a religious fanatic. Hollywood is a place that is driven by money and fame, which are two things that religion tends to frown upon. So it’s a bold move for a young man such as Jones to look past his bulging bank account and instead stand on a stage to preach. He could have easily capitalized further from his television fame, but to instead leave the Hollywood lifestyle behind and essentially become a preacher—that’s pretty rock and roll. I give him kudos for doing his own thing. Cyrus, who is also doing her own thing, took a big risk in shedding her Disney image and now has a music

Angus T. Jones could have easily capitalized further from his television fame, but to instead leave the Hollywood lifestyle behind and essentially become a preacher—that’s pretty rock and roll. career that is taking off while reaching audiences who were once thought to be off-limits. Both Jones and Cyrus are child stars that aren’t bowing to the conformist pressures of Hollywood and only their own personal happiness will determine if their choices were the right ones.

This issue:

Have an idea for a story? Let us know!

 Fear and loathing in Kingsgate Mall

Contact: Sophie Isbister, Life & Style Editor

 Local brewery’s delicious limited-run brews


 L&S Listed: fake nails

And more!

No shampoo week five: Continued success!  …and why some people fail Sophie Isbister Life & Style Editor  lifeandstyle


hile I was doing my extensive no-poo research, I definitely came across a few horror stories. Usually they involved people giving up too easily—I read a lot of, “Ugh it’s been a week, and my hair is just so greasy!” But in addition to impatience, there are a lot of other reasons that the no-shampoo method doesn’t work for people, and some of them are totally valid. Before I go into those reasons, let’s check in on my success. I’m 35 days, or five weeks, into my journey. It’s time for me to start thinking about whether or not I’ll continue with this experiment—and honestly, I’m not quite sure. I’m definitely happy with my hair: I wash with the baking soda and apple cider vinegar about once a week, and it’s been getting less greasy in-between washes. It also looks good without product, albeit a little boring.

Mostly, it’s been nice to cut my shower time to a third of what it used to be. I just throw my hair in a bun and wash everything else. Life is simple. But part of the reason I might fail is that I genuinely miss product. I miss the flirty, flowery, and girly smells of hairsprays and gels. I miss how my chemical-laden dry shampoo used to make me smell like the beauty section of Shoppers Drug Mart. And while I appreciate the simplicity of my new hair care routine, I genuinely miss the complex steps that used to go into putting together a hair look. So, a love for traditional hair products is one reason people fail, and I suppose you could say that the root reason behind that is a lack of commitment to the ethos behind no-poo. Perhaps I just don’t believe in no-poo enough? After all, if many of my girlfriends are an indication, you can still wash your hair weekly with traditional shampoo and it will eventually

train itself to be less greasy between washes. Perhaps that’s the best of both worlds. People also fail at no ‘poo because it just doesn’t work with their hair. They fail because it doesn’t fit with their lifestyle. Some people find their hair gets smelly. Others find that the water in their town isn’t compatible with no-poo—in the Lower Mainland we have soft water, which means that there are fewer hard minerals in our water supply, making it easier to wash with baking soda. People in towns with hard, mineral-rich water often quit no-poo, or painstakingly wash with jugs of distilled water. Dear reader, I leave you with bated breath, waiting for my sixth and final instalment of this hair journey. I’m still not sure if I’ll continue—I have one more week to decide. In the meantime, I’ll be looking up some low-poo options (shampoo without sulphates), so maybe I’ll be able to have my lather while remaining yuckychemical-free.


Stop HIV now  Don’t spread it—get tested Andrea Arscott Contributor


f you know that 1+1+1=3, you probably know that everyone’s susceptible to HIV. HIV is transmitted when an infected body fluid (blood, sexual fluids, and breast milk) passes through a body opening. If you’re a virgin, if you’ve never had unprotected oral sex, and if you never share drug paraphernalia, then you’re quite safe, but there are other ways to get HIV that I will talk about in future articles too. However, if you’ve ever had sex with or without a condom, you should consider getting tested. Condoms can break, and you can’t be sure your partner’s partners went for testing.

Let’s say Sally starts chatting to Billy on an online dating site. They message one another for a month before meeting. By this time, they think they’ve developed a connection, so after a flirtatious evening at the burger shack, he invites her over for a movie. Sally’s had a month to build up an image of Billy, so in her eyes, he’s Juan Pablo (at the first rose ceremony). Like a bird to a worm, she flies over to Billy’s place (à la Clare-style). Sally expects cuddles and candles, while Billy thinks he’s going to score with popcorn and pornos—bow-chicka-bow-wow. Little does Sally know, Billy has been averaging four dates weekly, and getting it on with at least one woman per week. Billy’s more like a snake than a

worm. Do you think he asked them about testing for HIV and other sexually transmitted infections (STIs)? Sally and Billy start cuddling on the couch and end up on a well-worn futon he calls his bed. Since he’s got a drawer full of condoms, she has sex with him. The condom breaks, but she’s not worried; she’s practically fallen for him. Thirty minutes later, Billy sees her to the door. Sally leaves thinking she’s met Vancouver’s most eligible bachelor, but like a bubble in the wind, Billy disappears. A week later, Sally decides to get tested, but her doctor tells her there’s a window period for HIV. Although Sally can test now to eliminate risks from partners she had three

to six months ago and before, the blood test won’t reveal if she contracted HIV from Billy. She’ll have to test again six weeks after the possible exposure and then at the threeor six-month mark to get an accurate reading, as it could take up to six months for HIV antibodies to appear. Sally doesn’t know it, but Billy’s infected her with HIV, and it’s slowly damaging her immune system, making it easy to get sick and hard to recover. However, Sally’s in the asymptomatic period of HIV, so she’s showing no signs of illness. She returns for a second HIV test and finds out she’s positive. Billy doesn’t know he’s HIV-positive yet and has unsafe sex with five more people. The

public health nurse tracks Billy down and tells him he’s been exposed to HIV and that he needs to get checked. Billy tests positive. Who knows how long he’s had HIV and how many girls he’s infected, and how many men they’ve infected. If they’re having unprotected sex, they may be quietly spreading the virus. Eventually, Sally and Billy will experience symptoms of HIV and may become ill, but because of advances in treatment, HIV isn’t a death sentence anymore. Although it’s not something you want, it’s treatable, and you can live a long life with it. Take responsibility—don’t spread it, get tested.

Come down to the Purpose Society clinic at 40 Begbie Street in New West Friday, March 28 for HIV/STI testing and vaccines from 10 a.m. to 1 p.m., as well as free condoms! Do you have a sexual health question? Get it answered anonymously (and maybe published in this column) by emailing

life & style // 10

Babcia’s Polish Home-Remedies  Part two: Around the house

Julia Siedlanowska Staff Writer


ast week I shared my family’s best traditional Polish remedies for aches, pains, and sleeping problems. This week I will reveal the strange and fascinating world of beauty, housekeeping, and pet-care. Sparkling silver. As far as cleaning concoctions go, this one is actually pretty awesome. Use white toothpaste to clean your silverware or silver jewelry. As a child I polished a few times imagining I was Annie or some other Cinderella type. In the future I’m going to have silverware just to make my kids polish it. Another option for cleaning silverware is wrapping it in a tinfoil-covered pan with salt and water. Convenient stain remover. When you spill some red wine on your table cloth, quickly reach for the white and pour it over the stain. The white wine will act as a neutralizer. You can also cover it with salt to suck up the spill. Both of these are super convenient when you don’t want to leave the dinner table to fetch cleaning products. Jewelry polish. Another great use for your white wine

A match made in heaven: white wine removes red wine stains // By

is to clean your jewelry. Just place your gold in a glass of Chardonnay or Sauvignon Blanc and watch it shine. Mountain remedies. There are also some really bizarre cleaning prescriptions I recently found out about. Apparently a stale bread crust is the right tool for cleaning your suede shoes. For this, it’s important that the bread isn’t fresh, otherwise it will leave a smear. If you happen to have

a sheepskin jacket (my Value Village junkies), the only way to clean it is rubbing snow all over it. And for my final cleaning recipe: dust your fur jacket with potato flour and then brush it out. The flour takes the dirt out with it. Hair and face mask. Before the Internet was clouded with millions of homeopathic beauty recipes (in fact, before the Internet even existed), my grandmother was using this

very hair and/or face-mask, and I offer it to you as some simple beauty advice: Mix together 1 egg yolk, 1 tsp honey, and 1 tsp lemon juice and put it on your hair and or face as you would a face-mask. Let the mixture sit for half an hour then rinse off with cool or cold water. This is a simple recipe that will help add moisture and elasticity to skin, and moisture and shine to hair. Although I have never lived

on a farm in “the old country” as some of my hilarious Canadian friends might like to say, I have inherited some great tips on caring for animals. (These are obviously limited to household pets.) Cure a dog’s upset stomach. If your puppy is feeling sick, for example, some plain yogurt will do the trick to settle its upset tummy. This regenerates the good bacteria in their stomach, and is worth a try before spending hundreds of dollars on vet fees. For dog or cat lovers. One time my tabby cat came home with some street gunk in her fur. The sticky substance looked like it would never come out, but my mother offered me this simple solution: rub some butter on it. My cat’s fur got greasy enough that whatever the horrible substance on her foot was, it just came off. As holistic medicine gains in popularity, no doubt your grandma’s homeopathic remedies might come into style again. Although some might seem ridiculous, others have been proven by science in one way or another. Some are natural chemical reactions, and some may rely on the power of belief. In any case, they are most often helpful, all-natural, and kind on your pocket.

Fear and loathing in Kingsgate Mall  A review of the mall: a different kind of something

Cazzy Lewchuk Staff Writer


ne could be forgiven for not noticing Kingsgate Mall, the hidden gem located in the heart of the Mount Pleasant neighbourhood of East Vancouver. Nevertheless, Kingsgate Mall stands in its majestic (barely) two stories. This humble shopping centre attracts an unusual variety of customers, considering it’s a mall. Stepping into Kingsgate Mall is sort of like timetravelling to a semi-decent mall in the 1980s—which is to say, it’s incredibly tiny and irrelevant by the standards of today. There’s a musty smell I notice as soon as I enter—likely a combination of the café hot dogs, imported products, and senior citizens that fill the interior. It’s quite a small

establishment, and I can see down the hall from one end of the mall to the other. But good things come in small packages: over 30 stores offering goods and services manage to fill this tiny space, each quainter than the next. There’s even a second floor, although it’s taken up entirely by a Shoppers Pharmacy and a grocery store. After an extensive self-tour of the mall (which only took about an hour) I was able to pinpoint the best and the worst of the fine shops of Kingsgate. A BC Liquor Store is situated right by the entrance, and is probably the most popular attraction here by far. It’s often less crowded than a small wine store, especially during prime liquor hours. Not too many malls have a liquor store, especially governmentrun, and this no doubt attracts customers who would otherwise steer clear of Kingsgate. Lely’s Books, Etc. is a rather large shop selling an

assortment of (what else?) books, and other things. All sorts of toys, games, CDs, video games, and DVDs can also be found here—a dream store for a collector, nerd, or young child. Almost every DVD imaginable can be found in here, often at very cheap prices. It’s definitely an improvement over other stores that sell the same things, and also a good place to find something unique. Buy-Low Foods is a grocery store that takes up almost the entire second floor. Offering a better and often cheaper selection than many supermarkets, this place is sort of like No Frills but without the year-old yogurt. A place of choice, especially for those who live in the area. Dollar Land is the coolest, most useful dollar store I’ve ever been in. Although the “dollar” price tag doesn’t apply to every single item, I’ve never found another shop of this type that sold dartboards. It’s huge, and

it’s better than most mall dollar stores. Shoppers Drug Mart is a cornerstone of the mall. Open until midnight, its assortment of home products and snack foods is convenient for shoppers on the go who are passing through the area. For the ladies, it boasts an impressive selection of beauty supplies. Also for the ladies, Ardene is a new addition to Kingsgate Mall and offers a plethora of on-trend accessories. Even better, the price point is low. Metrotown style at a Kingsgate price! The less satisfactory stores of Kingsgate don’t need too much description. The most notable of these include Mandarin Photo (presumably only selling mainland Chinese or orange photos), Mirage (for all your velour track suit or individual men’s underwear needs), and Easyhome (an unfortunate layaway furniture company).

Over 30 stores offering goods and services manage to fill this tiny space, each quainter than the next. Most of the patrons are senior and/or low-income citizens, who treat it as less of a mall and more of a hangout. You won’t find too many teens loitering or buying crap at American Eagle, but you may spot their grandparents playing another round of Keno and munching a hot dog. Indeed, Kingsgate Mall has its own unique charm to fulfill specific needs. Like any mall, there is something for everyone— it’s just a different kind of something.

life & style // 11

issue 24 // volume 40

The Other Brew: Granville Island Black Notebook Series  Local brewery’s delicious limited-run brews Taylor Pitt Contributor


’m going to have to tell you the truth on this one: I’ve had these beers a few times before, but I hadn’t reviewed them because there were so many others to try. But these special brews, from local brewery Granville Island, are a limited release and will be vanishing from shelves shortly—and because I find them so delicious, I decided you need to know about them. These two beers, the Burly Goat Weizenbock and the Auld Skool Scottish Ale, are members of two of my favourite kinds of beer, and some of the best in their respective categories. I won’t spoil the whole review for you, though, so keep reading if you want to know more. First up is the Auld Skool Scottish Ale.


Auld Skool pours smooth as a baby’s bottom, a somewhat aggressive pour causing only a quarter-finger of head just at the rim of the glass. It’s a deep, chestnut brown, and smells vaguely of roasted nuts, along with a strong note of hops; however, this isn’t a hoppy beer. It tastes primarily of roasted malts, with a wee bit of caramel hidden underneath. It’s got a strong but smooth taste that’s neither overpowering nor boring, and almost surprises you with every sip. Any downsides? Not really, other than the fact it’s going off shelves soon. While it isn’t my favourite of all the Scottish ales, it’s definitely in my top five. It’s also a strong recommendation to anyone who wants to get into beer but hasn’t tried any microbrews yet. I paid $7 for it at the Witch of Endor Liquor Store in Maple Ridge, although

it can be found in plenty of other liquor stores around the Lower Mainland—for now This next beer is my absolute favourite, so if you made it this far in the review, you’re in for a treat. As toughtasting as the look of the label, and at one point shy of eight per cent, it’s extremely strong. Not only that, as a wheatbased beer, it hits even harder than you’d expect. There’s my warning, guys. It’s not recommended that you drink a six-pack of these in one night. It pours dark brown with a head of light, creamy-coloured foam one finger in height. Held up to the light, it appears somewhat red in colour, as well. It smells fruitier than you’d imagine, and is otherwise wheaty and hoppy. That’s not really important, though, is it? No, you’re reading to find out how it tastes. One-word

These beers, from super-local brewery Granville Island, are a limited release and will be vanishing from shelves shortly. answer: flawless. Wheat hits the tongue hard at first, followed by the mixed tastes of cloves, salt, caramel malt, and just a hint of banana. It’s strength on strength and might turn away beer drinkers who are used to light beers, but even those of you who haven’t had much other than Bud Light are strongly encouraged to get at least one of these before the season is through. Actually, who am I kidding? Stay away, it just means more for me. By

10 things nobody tells you about long fake nails

here comes a time in every girl’s life when she looks at her bank account and thinks, “Well, what the hell do I spend all this money on?” It’s important to eat up your funds right away, because money not-spent is money not benefiting the economy. Fake gel nails are a really good way to pour your hard-borrowed cash down the drain, and they come with the following 10 fun perks!

1. You will become extra-good at grabbing handfuls of chips. 2. Buttons will flummox you. 3. Depending on how sharp you get them, you might stab your friends. 4. You might also stab your pets. 5. You will definitely stab your boyfriend—but he might like that. 6. Get ready to re-learn how to type! 7. You will hate yourself for making this decision… 8. …while simultaneously feeling so, so fancy and elegant. 9. You will eventually get used to them and buy fancier clothes to match your new look. 10. When you go back for fills, you will probably upgrade to some cute 3-D nail art.



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This issue:

Have your voice heard! 

 Genius versus perseverance

Contact: Elliot Chan, Opinions Editor

 Does sickness stand in the way of human rights?


 That’s not my feminism

And more!

Hate the word, love the campaign  #BanBossy promotes leadership and equality amongst young girls


Julia Siedlanowska Staff Writer

heryl Sandberg’s latest campaign “Ban Bossy”— supported by the likes of Beyoncé, Jennifer Garner, Condoleezza Rice, and Jane Lynch—aims to abolish the negative connotations of the word “bossy,” and encourage leadership in girls. To me, this really stinks of self-promotion. I’m the first person to champion leadership and equal rights among women, but there’s a distinction between the words “bossy” and “leader” that I can’t get over, and I’m not about to jump on just any trend. Granted, if a young girl is being called “bossy” for asserting herself, or is reluctant to speak up or raise her hand in class for fear of being ostracized, there is a problem. However, there are also times when being bossy is a form of bullying. While teaching children to assert themselves and gain confidence as leaders, we must also be careful in how we teach them to do it. Sandberg is the current

Facebook Chief Operating Officer Sheryl Sandberg By Andy Wong/AP COO of Facebook and former Vice President of Global Online Sales and Operations at Google. She co-authored her first book Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead, which was published last year. Her resumé is impressive, and reading about her accomplishments is inspiring. She sets a good example as a successful female role model in the corporate world, just as the “Ban Bossy” movement attempts to do. Different messages reach

different people in different ways. To some, reclaiming the word bossy might be as natural as the shift of “sick” being something positive, but to me, a bossy leader is not someone I would like to follow. “Ban Bossy” is just a catchy slogan for a fantastic cause, but the negative connotations of the word are turning some people off. Although the entire campaign has positive messages for girls, the word itself sounds aggressive. While PDF

brochures on give advice to girls, such as taking on challenges, talking to people instead of about them, or my favourite tip: trusting your inner voice. The use of the word bossy sends a mixed message. The website also offers eye-opening facts: “By middle school, girls are 25 per cent less likely than boys to say they like taking the lead,” because “[g] irls are twice as likely as boys to worry that leadership roles will make them seem ‘bossy.’” This is probably part of a larger issue having to do with self-esteem in girls versus boys. Tackling the “bossy” issue might just be a good place to start. While I think it’s important to distinguish the difference between positive leadership and meanness, there are many girls who might benefit from the use of a more aggressive vocabulary. Part of the campaign’s argument is that girls are taught to be nice and well-behaved; this often leads to insecurity about being called out for bossiness or aggression. Ban Bossy points out the different ways girls dilute their assertiveness, such as by phrasing things as a

question rather than an answer, or adding a buffer such as “I’m not sure if this is right, but…” I think the general trend is that girls need to be more assertive, whether you call it bossy or not. While I do think this campaign is largely Sandberg and her buddies promoting themselves, I can fully get behind the message. Leaders in the community such as teachers, parents, and grandparents need to make sure they are giving equal attention, focus, opportunity, and encouragement to girls and boys. Ban Bossy gives good and simple tips on how to do this, including suggestions for activities (such as a Bechdel test-oriented movie night) that promote awareness and understanding about gender imbalance. As someone who works with youth in the community, I must admit that Ban Bossy has brought a certain amount of awareness to me, and I will observe more acutely how I treat girls and boys. If I’m ever leading a shy girl, I’ll probably introduce her to Ban Bossy, regardless of the connotations.

statements that demonize all men because of a few bad ones. I’m in no way implying that feminists—even those with whom I disagree—are squarely behind it. To be perfectly honest, I don’t consider anyone who makes generalizations about any sex to be a feminist. It may begin as feminist rage, but it’s corrupted to the point of treating men with the same heavy hand that’s been applied to women. Unfortunately, everyone is capable of sexism—I myself still have to be conscious about not using gendered insults. It’s despicable that someone might advocate for equality, direct hate at and belittle men, and then masquerade that sexism as feminism. Some people distance themselves from the feminist movement under the simplify-

ing statement that “I don’t look at things as being men against women.” While, again, I don’t see someone who vilifies men as being at all representative of feminism, I can understand why someone might be off-put by the feminist movement. The people who turn their activist rage into accusatory rage tend to be the loudest, and to assert themselves with provocative statements that are constructed to provoke. That’s a further danger: in addition to speaking in unfair absolutes about a sex, and shifting the sexist lens to include another group, these gross generalizations inevitably alienate people who might otherwise agree with and support the feminist movement; as our Editor-in-chief so eloquently articulated in a recent Lettitor, feminism ain’t done yet.

That’s not my feminism  Absolutes have absolutely no place in feminism Natalie Serafini Assistant Editor  assistant


n all my years of exposure to feminism, and with the fractured nature of the movement as a whole, I’ve encountered a lot of different views. While I hate to generalize, I have to say, the feminism I absolutely hate is a feminism of absolutes. What does this mean? It means that in a movement as broad and far-reaching as feminism, there’s a temptation to boil it down to something that’s easily digestible, or that can be spread real thin and applied to all people. While this propensity for generalization is understandable, it isn’t acceptable; when you deal in absolutes, you set yourself up to be incorrect and unfair.

There are myriad manners in which absolutes can sneak their way into feminism, and you could write a series of essays on any of these topics—and many have. I’ll limit myself to a condensed op-ed on the reprehensible belief that all men are reprehensible. The short version is: it’s bullshit. The long version is: it’s bullshit because it’s predicated on anecdotal evidence—which shouldn’t be given more weight than a case study would. I’m aware that some men have archaic views about a woman’s place in society. I’m equally aware that some women have archaic views about a woman’s place in society. Generalizing from individual instances is a recipe for wrongness. Sex does not determine opinion or character. Stating

that men are naturally sexist is an argument based in biological determinism—the same brand of argument that states women are limited by their sex. Even the vague “most men are sexist pigs” is a broad statement that begs for actual evidence— which likely doesn’t exist. What concerns me is that these generalizations about men have been making their way into the mainstream mentality, and this propensity for belittling and stereotyping men, ever-growing in popularity, is sexism. So many people decry that label when the object of subordination isn’t a woman, but sexism isn’t discrimination against women: sexism is discrimination and prejudice based on sex. It’s evident in the advertisements that paint men as bumbling buffoons; it’s in the undeveloped, impulsive

opinions // 15

issue 24 // volume 40

Elliot Chan Opinions Editor  opinions


The Ugandan

“kill the gays”

bill should make us ill  Does sickness stand in the way of human rights? By

n February 24, Ugandan government took a definite step backwards in terms of fostering progress in human rights. The African country with a long legacy of inhumane behaviour from child labour to cruel poverty has signed the Uganda Anti-Homosexuality Act, a.k.a. the “kill the gays” bill. Going forward, any person recognized as performing a homosexual act—such as same sex intercourse or “gross indecency”—will be subjected to a life sentence in prison. Activists who stood up against the “kill the gays” bill have received violent responses from conservative Ugandans and the authorities. Highly publicized deaths of activists have done little to change the perspective of the majority, and I can’t help but feel a general hopelessness. But perhaps the hopelessness is seen through my rosy North American lens. Although I’m sure the Ugandans can point out all the pros of eliminating the LGBT, I must work a little bit harder to see from their perspective. Gay men have been the scapegoat as the cause of HIV/ AIDS since it reached pandemic levels in the bush countries of Africa many decades ago. The logic may be to isolate the gays, so that they cannot infect the common men, the “quality” hetero men. Such repulsive logic is simply one factor motivating a life-long quarantine solution. If we can’t find the cure, why not eliminate the contagion? The fact is the country is suffering from clear homophobia. Saying that all gays are responsible for the terminal

disease does not help develop a solution. Prejudice is not a cure, discrimination is not a cure, and a life sentence in prison for being the way you were born is definitely not a cure. I digress; it’s easy to judge developing countries for their rash choices, while we essentially live in a utopia, free to do as we please. We must ask ourselves what we would do if we didn’t have the health care, the education, and the resources we have. If a group of people was causing indirect harm to us, would we not do something as well? If one of our family members was dying because of someone else—someone with different values, different ethics, and different needs—would we not want them to be punished for causing us misery? We may have judged the Ugandan law too quickly then, if any of the answers to my hypothetical questions is yes. After all, desperate times call for desperate measures. We live in a world where every person is valued, but in a world where every person is another mouth to feed, a liability, and a potential cause of harm, the rules are not the same, and therefore, the human rights also don’t need to be the same, right? History is full of people who are victims of the time. One can only hope that in the future, Uganda and other African countries can be free of HIV/ AIDS and become nations that nurture the needs of all people. One can only hope that those people dying from the disease or from imprisonment now are not doing so in vain. There must be hope in such a hopeless situation, because who knows… one step forward and two steps back might be followed by an opportunistic leap to a better scenario.

Genius versus perseverance  Are you a tortoise or are you the hare? Margaret Matthews Contributor


s we reach the last leg of the school year, it is time to think about our work ethics. No doubt you have heard the fable of the tortoise and the hare. The moral of the story is that the race is not to the swift, but to those who keep running. And the story continues to ring true for many students. There are students who are gifted with above-average intelligence who are just as over-confident as the hare in this fable. They are of the opinion that they don’t have

to study in order to get high grades. During the semester they spend more time having fun, and less time on their studies. Then there are the average-to-below-average students who, realizing their weaknesses, spend extra time on their work and less time on leisure. Their social life is put on hold as they apply themselves to their studies. The end result is that the average student scores high, while the over-confident student receives a lower grade than expected. I notice this type of behaviour in my friend’s two sons, five years apart. When

the older boy Jimmy was born, it was evident that he was a gifted child. He could recite the alphabet and count to 100 when he was two years old. At four, he was capable of reading children’s books. When he started school, his teachers recognized his giftedness and granted him a double promotion. Five years later, Bobby was born, and exhibited average intelligence. Jimmy saw that his brother was not on par with him, without understanding all the advantages he had— including age for one. This irritated Jimmy, who called his brother stupid and belittled his

intelligence. There was friction between them, and Bobby lost confidence and believed that he was stupid. Jimmy bragged that when he grew up he was going to become a lawyer and drive a Rolls Royce. Things changed as time passed. When Jimmy entered high school, he took on more characteristics of the overconfident hare, and did not plan for further education. He just drifted along doing mediocre jobs and having fun. Bobby’s ambition was not to live in the shadows of his brother. He wanted to work in a hotel, and he achieved it by obtaining his diploma as a

hotel and restaurant manager. He reached his goal like the steadfast tortoise, whereas Jimmy was the hare who did not reach his goal of having a respectable job and owning a luxury vehicle. When Jimmy discovered that Bobby had already graduated from college, it sent him scurrying back to college. Nevertheless, he was now the one behind by several years. Whether you consider yourself smart or just average, ask yourself: should gifted students strive just as hard to achieve their scholastic ambitions as the average student?

opinions // 16

Test driving the car ban

 Paris’ car ban solution to pollution problem is something we should all try Elliot Chan Opinions Editor  opinions


any metropolitan cities in the world are suffering from the smog of pollution. It’s just something that happens when millions of people start living together. While some places continue to digest the pollutant, others are working hard on the solution. On March 17, Paris implemented the car ban, where only vehicles with a licence plate ending in an odd number were allowed to drive on the roads—the alternative was a fine. Roughly 4,000 drivers were fined on the first day of the ban, but many drivers played along with the one-day ban— the government chose not to continue with the second day of the ban. French researchers found significant improvement in the air quality. Although I understand the inconvenience it must have caused for the commuting public, I’m also a bit disappointed that it only lasted a day.

We have recognized the harm of pollution for many years now. Greenhouse effect, global warming, and melting ice caps are all warnings harkened by Al Gore and his environmentalist buddies. The evidence is clearly visible, but still we choose to anticipate the consequence before we engage in a solution. Why should we wait until there is a smog problem before we execute a car ban? Can we not change this human zeitgeist? Let’s look closer to home. Beautiful British Columbia. We wouldn’t dare compare ourselves to larger cities like Los Angeles, Mexico City, Beijing, and Paris, right? But aren’t we cruising in the same direction? Didn’t we just expand our highways in anticipation of the growth both in population and in drivers? I’m sorry, but if you think our emerald forest, ivory mountains, and sapphire ocean are going to protect us from pollution, you’re wrong. Those are the things we’ll lose should smog happen here, in beautiful British Columbia. Bike lanes do a little, a new transit line does a little, but what we need is something like

the car ban in Paris: something that keeps us from becoming complacent. As we grow as a city, we must also adjust our lifestyle to accommodate traffic congestions—just because populations double, doesn’t mean traffic needs to double as well. This new way of living may require us to schedule car pools and strategize our way to and from work. It may sound like a hassle to remember when you can and cannot drive. Moreover, this type of initiative will require that law enforcement ensures people are following the new rule. I understand that may lead to a lot of negative reaction, after all, the road already leaves us so vulnerable and traffic police already have so much to look out for. But one day, shit might just hit the fan, and we’ll be asking ourselves what we could have done—well, this is what we could have done: stop being little whiners.

The car ban may seem like a gimmick to many, but it should be something we all consider,

not just for metropolitan cities, but also for soon-to-be metropolitan cities, like our own.

Why the Pono is a No-No

 Can this music player succeed in an ever-changing music industry?

Jony Roy Social Media Coordinator


arlier this month at SXSW, Canadian rock veteran Neil Young made a sales-pitch for his new PonoMusic player. The “high-resolution” audio player will allow users to buy music directly from the PonoMusic store. He felt like the MP3 format, which the current generation listens to, lacks a lot of the original depth that music used to have with older formats. Young hopes to change this in “an artist-driven movement to take [music] back” by introducing this new player. However, beyond the initial hype, I find it hard to believe that this device will actually be much of a hit. The first thing that needs to be addressed is the design. This thing is shaped like a Toblerone chocolate bar. It’s hard enough to imagine that a triangular device would sit well in one’s pocket, but since it’s only a music player, it’ll be even less

appealing to smartphone users. This device isn’t cheap either; the new music player will retail for $399. And to make it worse, it doesn’t even appear to display album artwork. This is beginning to feel a lot like the MP3 players that hit the market a decade ago. The question is: will the difference in sound quality make this device worth these inconveniences? For most people, no. The PonoMusic store will be using the FLAC audio format, which depending on the original studio recordings will range from CD-quality to marginally higher resolution. While this might sound significant, the difference in quality isn’t very noticeable to the untrained ear. You’ll probably notice more of a difference if you spend your money on a good pair of headphones instead. As stated on PonoMusic’s website, their store will be “supported by all major labels and their growing catalogues.” This shouldn’t be a surprise

as it’s another opportunity for these labels to make money off of people re-buying their music in a different format. Albums will also cost a lot more: between $14.99 and $24.99 instead of the conventional $9.99. This in many ways brings up the real heart of the issue: does it make sense to charge more for music when fewer and fewer people are even buying music in the first place, and when those who still do pay are migrating towards streaming services such as Spotify and Rdio? Probably not. While this new music player and store will probably receive some short-term success with all of the hype, and maybe even a niche market with audiophiles, PonoMusic player is no iPod killer. It’s a great idea on paper, but this is a changed music industry, and most people value the convenience and functionality of the smartphone ecosystem to the cost and inconveniences that come with the PonoMusic player.

This thing is shaped like a Toblerone chocolate bar.


This issue:

Know the score?

 March Madness brackets doomed

Contact: Eric Wilkins, Sports Editor

 2014 Formula One season begins


 A negative influence

And more!

Weathering the weather

 Women’s softball has no time to practice outside before Arizona trip Courtnie Martin Sports Reporter


ith the women’s softball team nearing their season opener, the squad can’t be too happy with the dearth of outside practicing opportunities afforded by the recent weather. Forced to seek an alternative, it was imperative the Royals did as much indoor practicing as possible before their yearly trip to Arizona. The young team is filled with massive talent, and with nine freshman and only four sophomores on the roster, their talent, rather than their experience, is what they’ll have to rely on. “Chemistry absolutely helps with the team dynamics and bonding as we head into the season,” said head coach Michelle Peters. Peters described her defensive team as strong and accompanied by a fast outfield, which should allow Douglas to be very competitive this year.

By relying on a smaller roster, every athlete is expected to majorly contribute. Two such athletes are freshman Tori Belton and sophomore Hillary Strelau. Belton, who played minor ball as well as Team BC alongside Strelau, will lead the way on the mound. Strelau is the team’s ballpark hitter and on “D,” the middle of the infield/outfield. Peters commented on her coaching expectations: “Two years is a very short time to have these athletes, and it is my goal that these girls will move on with more knowledge of the game, understanding of what they are capable of, and confidence with their abilities. My hope is for these ladies to continue on with softball for as long as they can and to pass along their experience and knowledge and one day give back to the sport they love while inspiring others.” Arizona was a solid showing for the team. The trip included three practices, and six games in which they went 5-1. They were successful hitting the ball and the pitchers came to play, and on the

By defensive end, the Royals looked to be pretty consistent and were confident with their game. “I am very happy with how

the girls played, winning most games by a stretch of runs and keeping the pressure on each inning, along with great pitching

and team defence to keep the teams at bay made me excited for the upcoming season,” Peters finished.

Schauby pickups  Veteran passers on the move Eric Wilkins Sports Editor  sports


he NFL is a quarterbackdriven league. As such, if you’ve got a good starter, great— go find a backup. If you’ve got a serviceable pivot, think about drafting a new one to groom. And if you’ve got nothing, then make like the teams mentioned below and scramble for what you can. Thirty-two-year-old Matt Schaub has seen better days. The former third-round pick of the Atlanta Falcons in 2004 has had a solid career, but he’s definitely on the decline. His last season with the Houston Texans was downright ugly. It seemed as though whenever he wasn’t throwing pick-sixes he was on the trainer’s table. It was a poor end in Houston for the man who’d brought that football team to respectability. And now he’s an Oakland Raider. Shipped off for a sixthrounder, Schaub appears to be

an expensive ($11 million) stopgap option for the Raiders as they search for their first decent quarterback since the glory days of Rich Gannon—a stop-gap to everyone, except Oakland coach Dennis Allen, that is: “He’s 32 years old and will be 33 when the season starts. You look at Tom Brady, Drew Brees, Peyton Manning, Ben Roethlisberger, all these guys are beginning to get up there in age so I think that this guy can play for a while.” Did I just hear Schaub get compared to Brady, Brees, and Manning? You have to love Allen’s optimism, but Schaub is nowhere near in the same league as those big names. Schaub also lacks the supporting cast; who’s his all-star to throw to? James Jones? In a move that would have made more sense last season, the New York Jets finally got their hands on Michael Vick with a one-year $5-million contract. Like Schaub, Vick is nowhere near the player he used to be, but unlike Schaub, he’s still got the ability to win football

games… as long as he can stay healthy. While he doesn’t have an outstanding group of receivers to work with, the Jets have a strong running game that he can fall back on. That said, the one move that would really help the team is picking up DeSean Jackson from Philadelphia. Jackson has familiarity with Vick and would allow the team to push Eric Decker to his more suited role as a no.2 wideout. At the risk of coming off as a raving lunatic, the addition of a top receiver could potentially give the Jets a dangerous offence indeed. In a corresponding move, the Jets released pricy flop Mark Sanchez. The once highly regarded pivot from USC has since degenerated into a shell of his potential. Still just 27-years-old with a pair of AFC Championship games under his belt, Sanchez will likely land as a backup somewhere—Cleveland if you believe the rumours—but his starting days are probably over. That being said, stranger things have happened.

Texans quarterback, Matt Schaub // By

sports // 18

Call it madness

 March Madness brackets doomed Courtnie Martin Sports Reporter


he 2014 NCAA March Madness basketball tournament usually has a few surprises, but it’s really exceeded those expectations this year. Many brackets have now been obliterated with the unexpected wins of four teams seeded 12 or lower. On March 22, reported that so far only one person had created a perfect bracket. Just following the Duke upset where Mercer embarrassed the third-seeded team, only 3.3 per cent of the more than 11 million brackets submitted to ESPN were still in the running for a decent bracket—the majority had picked Duke to go to the championship game. More unforeseen wins occurred in a pair of 12-5 match-ups when North Dakota State snatched victory from Oklahoma, and Harvard snuck away with a “W” against Cincinnati. Arizona State had the chance to upset Texas, only to choke in the final seconds of the game, allowing the seventh seed to claim the victory. Needless to say, after the action of many games, social media swarmed with angry and disappointed fans talking about how brutal their brackets were after their projected solid picks were eliminated early. So where did all this underdog spirit come from? Many talk-show hosts have been guessing that most of the higher seeded teams simply developed a case of the pre-game jitters. After all, March Madness is one

of the world’s most popular competitions, and millions of fans dedicate the entire weekend to watching and betting on the games. Maybe the players were nervous, and the coaches were unsure what to expect of their elite, but very much human, athletes. On the brighter side to the madness, teams like North Carolina, Virginia, Michigan State, Wichita State, Syracuse, Kansas, Villanova, Arizona, and Louisville all did what teams seeded in the top four are predicted to do: win. In a play that will surely make highlights for years to come, J.P. Tokoto set up an amazing fast break in the NC game. Tokoto set his defender up to the sideline, spun viciously toward the centre court, and finished with a beautiful two-handed dunk. In the west, Gonzaga barely survived Oklahoma State in a game that was more officiating and less basketball-playing. The game totalled 61 fouls (seven shy of the record for fouls set by Iowa and Morehead State). Both teams spent the final four minutes walking back and forth to the opposite end of the floor to shoot free throws—Oklahoma missed a total of 15 free throws in the game. The game was seemingly never going to end until the Bulldogs secured the last two free throws by Canadian native, Kevin Pangos (who sunk a total of 12 out of 14 free throws, and scored 26 points). With the exception of the doomed billion-dollar race in the brackets, the tourney is a thrilling success as usual. The underdogs came out to play and left it on the floor. No one is guaranteed a win. Why wouldn’t they call this March Madness?

Canadian player Kevin Pangos // By USA Today Sports

2014 Formula One season begins  New regulations cause disappointment amongst fans

Aidan Mouellic Staff Writer


he 2014 Formula One racing season got underway on March 15 at the Australian Grand Prix held in Melbourne. This season will be notable for being the year that major new car design changes were implemented. Gone are the large-volume V8 engines that once propelled the Formula One cars and instead the cars are now powered by 1.6 litre six-cylinder turbocharged engines. For comparison’s sake, my current car that I drive (Ford Fiesta)

contains a 1.6 litre engine but is nowhere near as quick as the new F1 cars; my tiny hatchback produces 120 horsepower whereas the 2014 F1 cars that will line up on the grid are producing over 600 horsepower—and weigh less. The new Formula One engines are not a hit with the fans though. Noise is a large part of the Formula One fan experience. Fans love to hear the high-pitched whine of an engine revving up to 18,000 revolutions per minute (RPM) since typical consumer vehicles max out at around 7,000 RPM, but now with the new engines, the engine noise is significantly

reduced. The organizers of the Australian Grand Prix were so angry by the lack of engine noise that they are threatening to sue the management of Formula One who introduced the new engine regulations. Australian organizer Andrew Westacott said in regard to the new race experience that, “We pay for a product. We’ve got contracts in place. We are looking at those very, very seriously because we reckon there has (sic) probably been some breaches.” It’s not entirely clear at this point in time if there actually is a breach in the contract due to the reduced engine noise, but what is clear is that many are not happy. The Formula One season

kick-off in Melbourne and did at least deliver an exciting race. Drivers took to the racing circuit for 57 laps that covered roughly 302 kilometres, and the race was over in just over an hour and a half. In qualifying, British driver Lewis Hamilton of the Mercedes team had the fastest time and took the pole position for the Grand Prix but was forced to retire due to a mechanical issue. Not all was lost for Hamilton and his Mercedes team though, as his teammate Nico Rosberg of Germany won the Australian Grand Prix in great style. Second in the race was Red Bull-Renaults Daniel Ricciardo, who was also second

in qualifying. Unfortunately for Ricciardo and his team, he was disqualified after the race and bumped off the podium due to a technical rule that his team broke. The final race standings ended with Rosberg in first place, followed by the Mclaren duo of Danish driver Kevin Magnussen and British driver Jenson Button, both of whom were bumped up onto higher podium positions. Defending World Champion driver Sebastien Vettel was in the same boat as Hamilton and did not finish the race due to engine trouble. The next race on the F1 calendar is the Malaysian Grand Prix March 30 in Kuala Lumpur.

sports // 19

issue 24 // volume 40

A negative influence  Jim Irsay arrested for alleged DUI Eric Wilkins Sports Editor  sports


ndianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay probably wouldn’t mind someone showing him a “rewind” button on life right about now. The 54-year-old native of Illinois was arrested on March 16 on an alleged DUI and drug possession (four) charges. He’s since checked into rehab while his daughter, Carlie, takes over, but his fate is still up in the air. A statement released by the Colts said that, “Yesterday, Jim Irsay took the first step toward regaining good health. He voluntarily checked into a highlyrespected health care facility and is committed to undergoing the treatment and care necessary to help him meet his challenges head-on. Jim, the Irsay family and the Colts organization are all deeply appreciative of the incredible outpouring of support and compassion from our fans and the Indiana community.” Unfortunately for Irsay, there’s no amount of support in the world that can save him from the hot water he’s landed in. Although it’s thought by many that Irsay won’t see any jail time due to, among other things, this being his first offence, the fact remains that the four drug possession charges could result in up to three years each. Seeing as Irsay is a prominent figure, it’s possible that the law will actually go harder on him to show that Sharon Miki Humour Editor

there is no preferential treatment given to important persons. On top of his trouble with the law, Irsay will also likely face discipline from the NFL. Even Tony Dungy, a former head coach for the Colts who describes Irsay as, “a person who is very self-sacrificing and would do anything for you,” thinks that the league has to come down hard on him: “I think they have to. Everybody is going to look at this and say, when this situation arises with a player, that action is taken. It happened with front office people in Denver, I believe last year, and action was taken. If the commissioner doesn’t step in with something, I don’t think it will be good. I think something has to be done, and again, hopefully everyone benefits from it.” Dungy’s hit it dead on the nose, especially when he mentioned that action is always taken when a player is involved in some misconduct. A fine means nothing to Irsay. The man is a billionaire. Slap him with a suspension from all NFL games and being involved with the team. The Colts are that man’s life and, aside from his family, probably the only thing he cares about. When you’re in the public eye, you have to be aware of the consequences of your actions at all times. If some teenager gets caught with drugs that’s one thing, but an NFL owner? The stakes are immeasurably higher. On that drug-related note, I find the cries for Irsay to undergo regular drug testing a little out of line. While drugs may affect his performance overseeing the

He’s not a doctor. He’s not a construction worker. He’s a man sitting behind a desk with a computer and a telephone. team, it’s certainly not a safety issue. He’s not a doctor. He’s not a construction worker. He’s a man sitting behind a desk with a computer and a telephone. Those who argue that public money has been spent on the Colts, and, as such, it is a somewhat taxpayerfunded company and gives the common man a say in how Irsay should conduct himself, don’t have a leg to stand on. The main point is based around Lucas Oil Stadium, but everyone knows that money was spent willingly by the city and the state to ensure that the Colts stuck around. Having a good football team is a strong financial help; Indianapolis is privileged to have the Colts, not the other way around. As long as he’s not putting other citizens at risk, what a man does with his free time should be of no concern to anyone. Irsay is going to have enough to deal with from the law and the league without people trying to control his every move. The man screwed up and clearly has a problem—he doesn’t need people prying into and monitoring his private life as well.

Colts owner Jim Irsay // By

Sticking it to the plan  humour

 Engineering a new hockey stick Mike Specht, Contributor (The Lance)


ince their induction into professional hockey in 1999, composite sticks have taken flack for their high occurrence of breakage. Though they offer massive benefits in terms of performance because of their light weight and low flex point, they break at an exponential rate compared to the wooden sticks of the previous generation. In their 15 years on the market, no company has been able to balance the high performance of the composite with the durability of a wooden stick.  Enter Colt Hockey, a Torontobased company, which, with the help of aerospace and medical supplies manufacturer Integran Technologies, created the Colt. The Colt is constructed with

a high performance nano material that allows it to demonstrate the same strength as industrial steel, while maintaining the lightweight flexibility of the current composites. According to the company’s website, a Colt can withstand 397 pounds of force, which is a massive improvement compared to the 263.5 pounds that can be taken by a conventional composite. Furthermore, in the tens of thousands of hours put into testing the Colt, the subjects experienced no degradation in the shaft, which is common in traditional sticks. “We haven’t stopped re-engineering and looking to improve the product,” said co-founder Daniel Lucchesi. “The point is reaching the compromise between weight, performance, and durability. With the Colt, what you gain

in weight, you gain in confidence to know that you can lean into it 100 per cent and trust that your equipment won’t fail.” Entering a market dominated by major corporations such as Easton, Reebok, and Bauer, Lucchesi and the Colt Hockey team face an uphill battle in terms of selling their brand. Similar to a small cellphone manufacturer competing with Apple, generally the voice that is heard is the one talking the loudest, even with an inferior product. “Well, strictly from a business and financial standpoint, [Easton and Bauer] have the perfect model. Having the product fail is ideal in the sense that it’s a guarantee in terms of returning business,” commented Lucchesi. In September of last year, Colt Hockey launched a Kickstarter campaign to increase production

of the Colt. By the end of that period they had not only met but exceeded their $75,000 goal, proving the demand for a reliable high-performance product. “The way that we have conducted ourselves is that we genuinely want to improve the game and see players play to their full potential. Our main goal is keeping this stick Canadian and developing it for the fans and the players who have supported us so far,” noted Lucchesi. Lucchesi also discussed the possibility of a partnership with National Hockey League athletes, but noted that the amount of resources needed to customize each stick to professional players’ specifications is not something the company would be willing to allot resources to at this time. The focus of the Colt is to continue to develop the product to be the best

“The point is reaching the compromise between weight, performance, and durability. With the Colt, what you gain in weight, you gain in confidence to know that you can lean into it 100 per cent and trust that your equipment won’t fail.” - Daniel Lucchesi it can be. “We like to think that the stick speaks for itself and want people to receive a better standard of equipment,” concludes Lucchesi.

This issue:

Been told you’re too funny?

 City collectively rolls eyes at wave of disorganized crime

Contact: Sharon Miki, Humour Editor

 Weekly wacky word search


 It Happened To Me: I went to the grocery store

And more!

‘No spoilers!’

 New exclusive club for people who are behind in their TV shows

Aidan Mouellic Staff Writer


am a late bloomer. I don’t enjoy taking unnecessary risks and tend to get around to things later than most. This includes watching acclaimed films and television series. Because of my procrastination, I often feel left out. Take AMC’s Breaking Bad: by the time I started watching the series, about a year after all five seasons had already aired, the enthusiasm

I had for the series and the desire to discuss the plot with others was not reciprocated. “We all watched Breaking Bad when it aired on TV— now it’s old and we’re bored talking about it,” explains my best friend, Geoff. It seems that people can get too much of a good thing. Luckily for slow watchers like me, Mark Canterbury is a Vancouver resident who shared my dilemma and did something about it. Canterbury founded TV-Talkers, a club where people can discuss an old series with enthusiasm long after the series origi-

nally aired on television. So far, the club has dozens of members from all over the Lower Mainland who enjoy squeezing their $8 worth of joy out of their Netflix memberships. “Our members lead busy lives and cannot always watch shows when they air on TV, so Netflix allows them to catch up with society, and TV-Talkers allows them to dissect series with others in the same boat,” says Canterbury. Just like a book club, TV-Talkers chooses which show to watch as a group, and then discusses the series

as a whole; sometimes the club even watches episodes together at the clubhouse. Spoilers are strictly banned from the TV-Talkers club—but that doesn’t mean that there haven’t been incidents. When I was at the clubhouse interviewing Canterbury, a ruckus sprouted in the background. We left Canterbury’s office only to discover a few longtime members in a heated scuffle with a new member who had disclosed the events of the series finale of Lost. The new member turned out to be a saboteur who had joined

the club to caused trouble. I caught up with the saboteur afterwards and he told me “This whole TV-Talkers club is freaking lame and sad. Those wankers need to get a life, and I hope that their reactions to my spoilers proved that.” The saboteur wished to stay anonymous, but his actions are not unique. Canterbury says that every so often they get troublemakers trying to join the club just to make fun of the current membership of stay-at-home Netflixer’s, but he is usually pretty good at making sure they don’t get in.

Move over ‘Teen Mom’: ‘Octogenarian Mom’ takes over MTV  80-year-old moms want to do crack and watch Ke$ha too Sharon Miki Humour Editor  humour


n their ever-evolving mission to chronicle dysfunctional parenting, MTV announced casting for their latest show, Octogenarian Mom—a television program chronicling the lives of trashy moms in their 80s. “First we had 16 and Pregnant, then we had Teen Mom. We followed that with Teen Mom 2 and Teen Mom 3… I mean, the transition is pretty clear. Biologically, we couldn’t go younger, and no one wants to see stable families, so we figured we’d go to the extreme opposite end of the spectrum,” explained studio executive Kimmie Gibbler. The show will focus on the struggles of mothers as they get accidentally pregnant at the inopportune age of 80-something. Common issues that will be profiled will be the moms’ families’ bewilderment and frustration at the pregnancies. “You’d think that at 84 years old, my grandma would understand basic human biology

She’s at an age where she herself is starting to need help feeding and changing herself, so how is she going to take care of this baby? or contraception techniques, but… she still got knocked up,” said the granddaughter of one of the newest cast members. “She’s at an age where she herself is starting to need help feeding and changing herself, so how is she going to take care of this baby?” Indeed, when questioned about the ethics of using the elderly as a sensationalist ploy for ratings on a show that has absolutely nothing to do with music, Gibbler seemed very offended. “We think the show will be more than entertaining; it will also show that douchey guys are afraid of responsibility at any age, and that girls can be idiots at any time too,” said Gibbler. “Really, it’s a public service against ageism!”

A proud new old mother // By Joel McCarthy

humour // 21

issue 24 // volume 40

City collectively rolls eyes at wave of disorganized crime  Police urge criminals to get their act together Sharon Miki Humour Editor  humour


fter a wave of embarrassingly stupid crime, Vancouver police are pleading with local criminals to get their shit together. “Look you guys—at this point, we are more concerned with your state of mind than with what you’re doing,” said police chief, Jack Bauer, at a press conference held Monday. “You’re leaving behind really stupid clues, you’re confessing for stuff without being questioned, and you’re ratting on each other left and right…

it’s getting awkward.” Crime in the city has declined to record lows in recent months, indicating an overwhelming sense of apathy by formerly dedicated career criminals. Robberies have all but stopped, with a correlating spike in people just giving up on crime and getting 9-to-5 jobs in retail. Bribery and intimidation charges are becoming hard to find, with criminals opting to just talk things out with counsellors, apparently. People are still trying to assault each other, but only halfheartedly so no one’s really getting hurt any more. Chief Bauer pointed to a number of factors that could be responsible for the decline in criminal intelligence in the city, citing distractions like Candy Crush, Flappy Bird, and

excitement over the upcoming season of Game of Thrones. “Criminals in this town used to have some semblance of a plan. I’m not saying they were Martha Stewart when it came to organization, but we felt that they were at least clear on what they were trying to do.” In addition to pleading with the criminals, Bauer took the opportunity to make the situation all about himself. “It’s not that we don’t appreciate how bad you guys are at what you’re doing—if anything, it makes our job much, much easier. But we all went through a lot of training to become cops, you know? Our skills are going to decline if you guys don’t starting picking things up. “If you need some direction, we have suggestions for you. We’ve read studies that suggest that watching violent movies and playing graphic video games can lead people

to a life of crime—perhaps trying these things will reignite your pride in your vocation,” suggested Bauer. “Also, not that we’re saying you should start doing drugs, but… we’ve also heard that marijuana can be a gateway drug to violent crime. So a visit to your friend Tim’s basement for a toke might do just the trick, as well. Just ideas! We’re rooting for you. And remember: communication— with yourselves and with your criminal associates—is key. “Criminal masterminds aren’t born that way; it takes hard work.”

You’re leaving behind really stupid clues, you’re confessing for stuff without being questioned, and you’re ratting on each other left and right… it’s getting awkward.

humour // 22

See? Girls love the jackhammer! Mark thought to himself as he watched Maria work.

Steven Cayer Senior Columnist

It Happened To Me:

I went to the grocery store… and found food Sharon Miki Humour Editor

Sharon Miki Humour Editor


 humour “It Happened to Me” features the unique and exceptional tales of Douglas College students. Our hope in publishing these stories is that others can learn and grow from the experiences of their peers.


ll I wanted was some lunch. Growing up, I was always fed lunch. Now, as an adult, I was expected to provide it for myself. The reality of this injustice, on this particular Tuesday, was verging on depressing; still I pressed on. After wandering the streets of Coquitlam for what felt like minutes, I finally stumbled—sweaty, hungry— through the sliding glass doors of the Safeway. The atmosphere was spicy, to say the least. To say the most, someone had recently dropped a glass bottle of oregano on the floor so there were many spice particles littering my once-clean air. I wandered the aisles aimlessly, but with a purpose. My purpose was, as I already said, lunch. I tossed my

head back and forth as I surveyed the various foods available on the shelves. There were tomatoes, Oreos, and Cheetos. There might have been a few other things, but I can’t remember. Finally, I came upon a young man wearing a smock. He was stocking the shelves with boxes of Kraft Dinner. I felt my mouth water at the thought of the atomic-orange goo gurgling into my stomach. “Please, sir,” I begged the stock boy. “Please, can I have some Kraft Dinner?” The boy looked at me with disgust. “Do I look like I work here?” he asked. “Yes,” I said. “Well, I don’t. I just like to put this delicious and affordable product on the shelf,” he said. He immediately walked away and I never saw him again. In the end, my trip to the grocery store did in fact prove fruitful. (I purchased three apples, an orange, a banana, and a peach). Still, looking back, I wonder if I could have been better prepared for the tragedy that my journey would be lined with. After several years of counselling, I’m just glad that I’m finally ready to share my story.

humour // 23

issue 24 // volume 40

Weekly wacky word search  ’Words to avoid if you want pick up girls’ edition Are you looking for a little spring fling with a special woman? Find all of these words in the below puzzle… and then never use them around a lady. You’re welcome.

Sharon Miki Humour Editor

By cuatrok77 (Flickr)

Air Canada’s Lil’ Bandit  humour

 For your comfort and safety Danny Dillabough Contributor (The Muse)


hank you for choosing to fly Air Canada today. Before we take off, please pay close attention to the following safety announcements. Please ensure that your carry-on baggage is safely stowed in the overhead compartments. Also, when stowing your baggage, please be careful not to disturb the raccoon that has been living up there for the past few weeks. He may appear dangerous, but rest assured that he will not bother you if you don’t bother him. Please ensure that your seatbelt is securely fastened at all times. Do not remove the seatbelt while seated, unless the raccoon wants to curl up and take a nap in your lap. His name isn’t Porter, please stop calling him that; his name is Lil’ Bandit and he is just the cutest little cuddle monster. We are pleased to offer you complimentary in-flight meals once we have reached our cruising altitude. We ask that you please not consume any peanuts or nut products, as Lil’ Bandit is allergic. In regards to Lil’ Bandit, we don’t know exactly how he got on the plane in the first place, but over the past few weeks he has come to be a part of our family. All these lonely flights can take a toll on one’s psyche, but when Lil’ Bandit wandered into our cabin one day he changed our lives forever. He makes us laugh, warms our hearts, and reminds us why we do this in the first place. There are four emergency exits located in the cabin; two at the front and two at the rear. In the event of an emergency landing on water, it is the

responsibility of those passengers in the emergency rows to locate Lil’ Bandit and make sure he gets to safety. It is entirely likely that Lil’ Bandit will not go willingly, so we will be offering complimentary rabies shots to deal with any bites and scratches that may arise. Please be sure to secure his adorable raccoon-sized lifejacket before exiting the cabin. Please turn off all electronic devices during takeoff. We ask that you disconnect all transmitting functions for the duration of the flight, unless you plan on Instagramming photos of yourself with Lil’ Bandit. In that case, we ask that you please use the hashtag #lilbandit. We are pleased to offer a non-smoking atmosphere. We ask that you refrain from smoking at all times throughout the flight, as Lil’ Bandit is trying to quit and we are really rooting for him to not relapse this time. In the event of a depressurization of the cabin, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Due to budgetary shortages, we have been unable to attain an extra oxygen mask; therefore, it will be necessary for one of you to give up your mask to Lil’ Bandit. We will be drawing straws shortly before takeoff to determine which of you will have to sacrifice themselves to ensure Lil’ Bandit lives on to bring joy and laughter to weary travellers for many years to come. Please be sure to secure Lil’ Bandit’s mask before securing your own. Finally, if you need use of the restroom at any point during the flight, we recommend that you just hold it until landing. There is currently a fully-grown grizzly bear trapped in the bathroom and it seems as if she doesn’t want to leave anytime soon.

Other Press March 25  
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