issue 27// vol 45
humour // no. 17
Escape room theme ‘kidnapped by a man’ ››Perfect for any bachelorette party! Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor
undreds of women flocked to Epic Escape on Granville Street to test their new terrifying escape room. “We have Escape from Dracula’s Castle, Escape from Haunted Asylum, and Escape from the Plague,” Simon Hoppersien told Other Press reporters. “But this one really is the scariest of all. It’s Escape from a Man Who Has Kidnapped You and Probably Intends to Torture and Kill You and There Is Nothing You Can Do About It.” Hoppersien, who helped to program the game, said he based it on the “harsh realities of human existence.” “Most women live in fear for their safety and wellbeing,” he said. “I thought, why not capitalize on that?” With the help of technology, the simulation takes women to a bar far from their neighbourhood in an area they don’t know very well. After a couple of drinks, players “wake up” in a trunk with their hands zip-tied behind their backs. “The challenge is to escape the trunk before the kidnapper comes back,” Hoppersien says. “Players have an hour time limit, but in real life, they probably only have a scant handful of minutes before being assaulted by someone bigger than them.” Hoppersien assured Other Press reporters that the game was fully immersive. “Women are encouraged to wear as little clothing as possible to the escape
room so that they can 100 percent feel that being kidnapped was their own fault,” he said. “And for a $5 fee, we can edit the kidnapper’s face to a picture of a friend or loved one that the player provides, as most attacks come from someone the victim knows.” Reporters spoke to women who played the escape room for their reviews. “I’ve been told my entire life to be careful of what I say, do, eat, drink, how I dress, who I smile at, how I walk down the street, and so much more,” Eliza Luppi told press. “Finally, I can channel all that fear into something that I feel like I’ve unjustly earned.” “This is good practice for when I’m inevitably actually kidnapped,” Jessica Smythe said. “When my friends and I got scared and asked to leave the room early, the staff said no and made us wait it out,” Jenny Blake said. “It really made us feel like we had no control over the situation, just like in a real assault. They really went the extra mile.” What happens when men try the simulation? Reporters talked to Karl Senna, who tried the escape room for himself. “It’s weird,” Senna said. “I went to the bar in the beginning, but instead of kidnapping me, the guy and I just talked at the bar for a really long time about the 76ers season and where we think the team is going to go next year. After an hour it ended and I just walked out of the room. He was a really cool guy. Wish he was real so we could really hang out.”
Local beach water just urine ››Forecast calls for swimmer’s itch Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor A study recently done by a group of UBC scientists showed that all beach water in the Greater Vancouver area is actually just human urine. “People always debate which beach is the cleanest, with oil tankers, pleasure crafts, and seaplanes in close proximity to popular swimming areas,” head researcher Carly Johnston told Other Press reporters. “What most citizens don’t know is that none of that matters, since the ‘water’ at the beach is completely urine.” Is this a recent phenomenon? “No, it’s nothing new,” Johnston said. “People have been peeing in the ocean since the beginning of time. It’s easier and less gross than using the beach bathrooms, which are always covered in sand and greatly resemble a washroom in a maximum-security prison. The ocean, as we now know it, is the accumulation of thousands and thousands of people who are too lazy to walk up the beach and use the porta-potty.” But how do fish and other aquatic animals manage to survive? “We don’t know,” Johnston said. “Nobody knows. Sometimes science is just too vast to know all of the answers.” Sociologist Peter Kinsey had some insight into the phenomenon of what makes the ocean such a peeing free-forall. “Something about the beach and the mentality surrounding it kind of dissolves the rules of modern society,” Kinsey said. “That’s why so many people wear bucket
hats and openly play country music the closer they are to any body of water. Anything goes.” Reporters spoke to beachgoers at Jericho, Kitsilano, and Spanish Banks Beach to get their input on the recent findings. “It doesn’t surprise me,” Gerry Irby told press. “I’m disgusting, and I’ve been peeing in the ocean ever since I’ve been old enough to swim. In fact, you’re all lucky that that’s all I do in there.” “I’m actually a purist who’s only ever peed in large bodies of water,” Jim Sheffield said. “Mostly beaches, but I did a brief stint in rivers and lakes during my wild college years. A man’s gotta cut loose every now and again, you know?” The Vancouver Board of Parks and Recreation issued a statement following the research team’s findings. “Though this seems like a groundbreaking discovery, it’s really nothing to be alarmed about,” Park Board commissioner Tessa Martin said. “Some back alleys in Gastown and Chinatown are actually 80 percent urine. Pee plays a large part in our city’s foundation. To say nothing about what goes on in Delta.” What’s the best course of action for the discerning beachgoer? “Just try not to think too much about it,” Johnston said. “And urine is an antiseptic after all. Enjoy the sunshine and the ‘water,’ and try not to dunk your head. We also recommend burning your hair and clothing after each seaside excursion.” Johnston declined to comment on what Trout Lake water consists of. “That’s classified,” she said.
Men passing anti-abortion laws revealed to be time-travellers from 1700s ››‘We hate women in a quaint, old-timey way’ Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor
n May 15, the state of Alabama introduced an anti-abortion regulation that makes it illegal for people with uteruses access to safe abortions, with no exceptions for rape or incest, thanks to elected officials who are literally from the 18th century. “Women’s bodies are not actually their bodies,” Clyde Chambers, sponsor of the abortion bill, announced to press last Thursday. “They actually belong to whatever man is nearest to them at the time.” Chambers, like other men who do not possess uteruses, the means to produce a child, or any empathy for anyone but themselves, was happy and secure in the legislative decision. “This is the best possible thing for society right now,” Chambers said. “People think that we should be focusing
on climate change, or how humans have single-handedly run the Earth into the ground. But I disagree. We should be enforcing strict regulations on women because frankly, I am scared of them and the power that they wield.” What most people don’t know? The men in charge of passing these laws are actually from the year 1776. “My fellow lawmen and I found a small pool at the edge of an enchanted forest while we were out for a good old foxhunt,” Chambers said. “When we drew nearer to the pool, we fell in and wound up in the year 2005.” When asked how he was able to quickly rise to the title of State Senator with no previous work experience, education, or knowledge of modern technology, Chambers simply said: “I’m a man.” What do these men of yesteryear gain from these restrictions in women’s autonomy? “Me and my boys are simple folks,” Chambers said to reporters. “We like
relaxing before the hearth after a long day’s work, enjoying a hot mug of mead before bed, and making sure that women know their place as subservient to men in every way. You know, before my father died of an old-timey disease that he got because he never bathed, he told me that the key to a good mother and wife was breaking her spirit like you would a wild animal. I believe that passing this law will collectively break the spirits of almost every woman around the world.” Unsurprisingly, thousands of women worldwide voiced their dissent for Chambers’ ideas. “Any woman who goes against my orders is a witch and should be burned at the stake or dunked in water until she confesses to being a witch. After she admits this, she shall be given a partial lobotomy so she can become a good wife and mother to a man’s children, with no option to terminate the pregnancy,” Chambers said. Reporters closed interviews early when a battalion of women from the year
3000 transported into the press conference and began eviscerating Chambers and his men with ray guns.