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• Quiz: What summer injury should you get? • Local beach water just urine • Three ways to ruin your workplace BBQ ...and more!
What summer injury should you get? ››Can I sign your cast?
uch! With all the wholesome summer activities out there like biking, beaching, and drinking a six-pack of canned vodka sodas in the park alone at 11 pm, it’s inevitable that you’ll sustain some kind of injury before the season is out. Like all things during the summer, the sun makes injuries and bedrest seem so much more fun, vibrant, and romantic than if you had to deal with them during the winter! Take this quiz to make sure you pick the right injury for you and be sure to shoot me a text once you’ve spent three consecutive weeks in bed and your standards are severely lowered ;)
Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor
What is your ice cream truck order? a) Fudgsicle b) Firecracker popsicle c) that SpongeBob popsicle that looks like SpongeBob if he ran headfirst into a moving vehicle d) you’re driving the ice cream truck You’re at the nude beach! You: a) turn around and go home b) wear a slightly racier swimsuit c) are already topless, baby! d) live in a tent on the left side of the beach for the remainder of the summer Family visits from out of town. To show them around, you take them to: a) a nice park for a stroll in the sunshine b) your favourite restaurants and bars c) a music festival to really show them a good time d) your tent on the left side of the nude beach where you’ve been living all summer
Uh oh! It’s going to rain on Sunday. What’s your plan? a) enjoy it! You were looking forward to cooler weather b) it’s a bummer, but variety is the spice of life c) moodily stay inside and watch horror movies d) fortify your tent on the side of the nude beach You’re in charge of throwing a summer party. Your theme is: a) bonfire! You and all your pals drink hot chocolate around a safely maintained beach fire that you have all the permits for b) glow party! Everyone brings glowsticks and you release compostable lanterns into the sky c) pub crawl! You hit up all your favourite patios and get sloppy drunk d) you invite everyone to your beach tent for a no-holdsbarred Bacchanalia, where you participate in a 20-plus person orgy under the light of the harvest moon
Mostly “A”s: Summer cold What is it about summer colds that make them so much worse than winter colds? While all of your friends are out having a good time, you’ll be stuck inside like a loser watching Gilmore Girls on a loop. You’ll look for sympathy, but no one will care about your boring ass while you waste away. Sorry about it! Mostly “B”s: Sprained ankle An extra-annoying injury, sprained ankles get all the fun of being sore yet without the visible signs of injury so everyone around you thinks you’re just being a big baby. You don’t even get, like, a crutch or anything. While you hobble around clumsily, you can be secure in your knowledge that you look dumb as hell. Mostly “C”s: Broken wrist For some reason, I remember being very attracted to people with casts in elementary school. Why? Maybe because they seemed like badass risk-takers, or maybe I have an unearthed mummy fetish. Either way, your injury could pass as a cool fashion accessory if you accessorize well, and it’s severe enough to score you a couple of weeks off work. Enjoy! Mostly “D”s: Head-to-toe sunburn Wow, that’s… commitment? Forget tan lines, you should just be worried about the state of your remaining skin once the burn heals up. Once September hits, you’ll be able to shed your withered skin like a snake and slide like a fresh newborn back into the ocean waves from whence you came. See you in 2020!
Three ways to ruin your workplace BBQ ››Throw yourself on the grill! Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor
ecause it’s sunny now, your minimum wage job will force you to participate in mandatory camaraderie with the same people you see every day—except without pay. Fun, right?! Why spend your scant hours off catching up on laundry or seeing friends and family, when you could see your coworkers in a non-work setting? Nothing bonds coworkers together more than seeing what they wear when they’re not bound by the employee handbook! Luckily, everybody feels the same way about seeing your sorry ass. Everyone’s ready to leave at the soonest opportunity. That’s why the burden falls upon you to ruin your work BBQ as quickly as you can so you can run home and hole up in your bedroom, watching Sex and the City until it’s time for you to head back to work. Don’t know how to be a party pooper? Try any of
my three easy ways to get out of worksanctioned fun as soon as possible! Get drunk The easiest way to get out of any scenario, this option has the added bonus of, well, being drunk. All coworkers have to be on a moodaltering substance to stand each other, but this is just cranking that dial up to 100. Drink your alcohol, your coworker's alcohol, your manager’s alcohol, and the wine in the wine bra you wore to the BBQ until you’re too drunk to stand and slurring about how we shouldn’t have to work to live. Everybody will be quick to rush you out of there so you don’t ruin the vibe of 10 to 15 people who don’t want to hang out with each other. As another added bonus, you’ll get a free cab home! Be sure to stop at a 24-hour Subway for a celebration sub to soak up all that booze.
Grandma’s dead Warning: This excuse can only be used once! How crazy is it that you got a phone call at this exact second, and it’s your mother calling to tell you that Grandmammy passed in her sleep after 84 fruitful years on Earth? Wow, you’ve never really talked about her much before, but rest assured you are VERY sad and heartbroken. Yes, she was very present in your life and not scary with long acrylic nails that she would pinch you with and call you fat. Yes, you’re very, very sad, and you need to go home right away, but not before stopping at the 24-hour Subway for your mourning sub.
Big fight This one is high risk, high reward. Pick your least favourite coworker who has been getting on your nerves, and just start reaming them out. They never take out the garbage or mop the floors? Let ’em have it. Do they take 40-minute breaks instead of 30-minute ones? Go off. Did they narc on you for stealing pastries? It’s game time, baby! Launch a full-on person versus person fight, and when you are forced to leave the gathering, stop by the 24-hour Subway to hand in a resume and application for a new job. Proud of you!