Page 1

“t hE h OttESt L IttLE P aPEr I N t OwN !”

July 1, 2011

volume 1, Issue 8

NOrthEaStErN KaNSaS EdItION - SErvING rILEy, GEary aNd CLay COUNtIES Distributed by: Orange Peel Gazette PO BOx 262, Clay Center, KS 67432

“Connecting Customers to Businesses... That’s what we do Best!” ™ Reaching Thousands of Readers with Each Issue!

For AdverTISING: NE Kansas Edition



Once my wife and I had to take 6 AM - 11AM EVERYDAY! a flight that had 4 other stops before arriving at the Dallas-Forth Worth Airport. At the first stop, a little white truck drove up to the plane and my wife watched it pull up to the wing. She asked, "What's that truck doing?" I explained that some airlines don't completely fuel up a plane for various reasons & we were taking on more fuel. This process was repeated at the next three stops, and my wife watched the plane being fueled DAilY lunch SpEciAlS! each time. GREAt FooD FEAtuRinG: At the last stop, I said, "You know, in spite of all Steak-Ribs-Fried chicken these delays, we're making pretty good time." AnD MoRE! My wife pointed out the window and said, Mon-Sat 6aM - 10pM aM pM "I don't know. That little truck is keeping up with us." Sun 6 - 3 cALL IN your order!


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Gotta Love It

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman-already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

Accident Report

No one plans to develop cancer. Be prepared if it happens to you.

Cash Cancer Plan N No oo one ne p plans lans on on facing facing cancer. cancer. But But it’s it’s important important tto o be be p prepared repared iiff you you are. are. IfIf you you or or a family family member member is is diagnosed diagnosed with with a BBNUDQDCÄB@MBDQ ÄXNTÄB@MÄBNTMSÄNMÄADMDÆSRÄKHJDÄSGDRD NUDQDCÄB@MBDQ ÄXNTÄB@MÄBNTMSÄNMÄADMDÆSRÄKHJDÄSGDRD Get u p to to $ 50,000 paid paid d irectly tto o yyou ou Get up $50,000 directly U se the the m oney ffor or aany ny eexpense xpense Use money R eceive yyour our p ayment aass ssoon oon aass yyou’re ou’re d iagnosed Receive payment diagnosed M ake sure sure you’re you’re covered covered iin case you you or or your your family family is is affected affected n case Make by cancer. cancer. Ask Ask me me how how the the Cash Cash Cancer Cancer PPlan, lan, a ccancer ancer insurance insurance by elp p rotect you you and and your your ffamily. amily. policy from can h from HumanaOne, HumanaOne, can policy help protect

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Because I was processing my first accident report at the transport company where I worked, I was being particularly attentive. The driver had hit a deer on the highway, and the result was a severely damaged hood and fender. My serious mood was broken, however, when I reached the section of the report that asked, "Speed of other vehicle?" The driver had put, "Full gallop."

Laws of Parenting

1. The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning. 2. For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty. 3. Toys multiply to fill any space available. 4. The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it. 5. Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave. 6. If the shoe's expensive. 7. The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it. 8. The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet. 9. Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.


Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!" The policeman said, "What's he like?" Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women."

Take Your Medicine

A doctor told Mrs. Stone to give her husband one pill and one drink of whiskey a day to improve his stamina. A month later, when Mrs. Stone came in for another visit, the doctor asked, "How are we doing with the pill and the whiskey?" Mrs. Stone answered, "Well, he's a little behind with the pills, but he's about six months ahead with the whiskey."

Orange Peel Gazette - PG 3


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Arkansas Trooper

Two Texans are driving through Arkansas when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The Trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window and WHACK!...The trooper smacked him right on top of the head with the stick. The driver finally comes to and asks, "What the heck was that for!?" The Trooper says, "You're in Arkansas son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car." Not wanting to make his situation with the law any worse, the driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here." The Trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and WHACK! The Trooper smacks him with the nightstick also. After he recovers, the somewhat dazed passenger asks, "Holy smokes man! What is that for?!" The Trooper answers, "Just making your wishes come true." Still incredulous, the passenger follows up with, "Huh?" The Trooper says, "I know how you Texans are! Two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that redneck jerk would've tried that with me!'"

Away from his Desk

A fellow, who frequently left the office to play golf, 531 courT ST, cLAy ceNTer instructed his secretary to tell all callers that he was away from his desk. newman Solutions After he left the office, a member of his foursome PLuMBINGseLecTrIcALscArPeNTry forgot which course they were playing that day, and rooFINGsPAINTING Video Drain Inspections-Drain Cleaning called for information. The loyal girl would only reply Property Clean Up & Management that her boss was away from his desk. Drywall Hang Tape and Texture "Just tell me," the golfer persisted, "Is he five miles Door & Window Installation away from his desk, twenty miles away from his desk, Fire & Flood Repair or thirty miles away from his desk?" Gutter Cleaning

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10. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure. 9. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well. 8. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here 7. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head). 6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him. 5. Please Bypass This Heart. 4. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat. 3. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly. 2. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me. 1. She's Looking Better After Every Beer.

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Orange Peel Gazette - PG 5


happy Birthday

A man named Bill woke up on his birthday. His Boat SaLES & SERViCE wife and kids didn't even say good morning to him. So, he left for work in a huff. His receptionist, Joanna, FaCtoRY tRainED in said happy birthday. "Thanks, Joanna. That's the nicest MERCuRY-JoHnSon-YaMaHa thing anyone's said to me all day." Bill replied, SaLES & SERViCE pleased. So he worked until his lunch break, when tRoLLing MotoR REpaiR Joanna asked if he fancied a lunch. Instead of taking their usual lunch just outside, they went to a big 785-762-6888 beautiful bistro. " My apartment is just around the 2026 N. JAckSoN, JuNcTIoN cITy corner. Would you like to visit?" Joanna asked. "Sure, why not?" Bill replied. At her apartment, Bill For Sale! sat down on the couch. Joanna said she'd be right back and stepped into the bedroom. Minutes later, she came back out followed by Bills family, friends, and co-workers. Bill just sat there... naked.

Longer Days

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I was working in a scrap yard in Southern England during summer vacation at an engineering university. I mOn-FRI 9:30 - 5:30 SAt 9 - 1 used to work repairing construction equipment. One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer 625 N. AdAMS, JuNcTIoN cITy that had some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts had corroded on to the bolt; to free it, I company started heating the nut with an oxy-acetylene torch. As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices logo or I have ever known came along. He asked me what I artwork was doing. I patiently explained that if I heated the nut, it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it. "So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked. Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind (I cALL 2 Weeks of know not from where.) "Yes," I said, "that's why days 785-307-0450 Advertising! are longer in summer and shorter in winter." There was a long pause, then his face cleared. MiLFoRD LakE MaRina "You know, I always wondered about that," he said. “Home of the Cheeseburger!”

The Law

Call 785-341-8767

A lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness, stopped and said: "I object, Your Honor! One of the jurors is asleep." The Judge ruled: "You put him to sleep... You wake him up."

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opee Gazette says: Let’s Play!

Who Wants To Be A zillionaire? THE QUIz BlE TA


$440,000 Question... This vegetable tastes like broccoli and/or radish, is used in soups & in German means 'cabbage-turnip'? A) Hamburg parsley B) kohlrabi C) Ratte potato D) parsnip $441,000 Question... Which vegetable is also known as the Mexican potato or the Mexican turnip? A) sweet potato B) jicama C) arracacha D) eggplant  $442,000 Question... It tastes like a cross between parsley and celery, and has the Latin name of Apium graveolens rapaceum ? A) celtuce B) parsnip C) celeriac D) ramp  $443,000 Question... Sometimes called noodle squash, this cylindrical vegetable is a member of the winter squash family. A) zucchini B) silk squash C) butternut squash D) spaghetti squash


Getting A's

A professor stood before his class of 20 senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam. "I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer. So that no one gets their GPA messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a "B" for the course." There was much rejoicing amongst the class as students got up, passed by the professor to thank him and sign out on his offer. As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, "Any one else? This is your last chance." One more student rose up and took the offer. The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. "I'm glad to see you believe in yourself." he said. "You all get "A's."

Getting a Passport

Before she died, an old lady wanted to visit England, the home of her ancestors. She went to the Federal Office and asked for a passport. "You must take the loyalty oath first," the passport clerk said. "Raise your right hand, please." The senior citizen raised her right hand as the clerk asked, "Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, domestic or foreign?" The sweet old face paled and the voice trembled as she responded, "Well, I guess so, but ... will I have help, or will I have to do it all by myself?"

God Made Me

A grandfather and granddaugher were sitting and talking when the young girl asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?" "Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered. A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, $444,000 Question... Related to potatoes and nightshade, the Solanum me- "Did God make me too?" "Yes, He did," the older man answered. For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to longena is perfectly at home in ratatouille. be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection A) tomatillo B) angelica in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what C) artichoke D) eggplant  was running through her mind. At last she spoke up. $445,000 Question... "You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot It is part of Jamaica's national dish, has the nickname better job lately." 'vegetable brains', and is native to W. Africa? A) ackee B) palm heart intense Gifts! C) pacaya D) amaranth Curious Goods by Morning Star Cementitious Artistry $446,000 Question... Custom Art done upon Tile-using grout!! A sign of spring, it’s prized for onion/garlic flavors? A) calcot B) gray shallot Natural Stone Jewelery - candles - Paintings dried Arrangements - Incense - hand Painted Wine Glasses C) ramp D) scallion  And So Much More!-CHECK OUT OUR UPDATED WEBSITE! (Answers below - see you next issue)

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signs you are drinking too much coffee...

- You ski uphill. - You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked - You speed walk in your sleep. - You answer the door before people knock. - Juan Valdez has named his donkey after you. - You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. - You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. - You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit. - You sleep with your eyes open. - You have to watch videos in fast-forward. - The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. - You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. - You lick your coffee pot clean. - You spend your vacations visiting "Maxwell House" You're the employee of the month at the local coffee house and you don't even work there. - You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. - Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. - You chew on other people's fingernails. - The Nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. - All your kids are named "Joe" - Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low" - You buy 1/2 and 1/2 by the barrel. - Your so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas. - You can type sixty words per minute with your feet. You can jump-start your car without cables. - You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug. - You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. - You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. - You don't need a hammer to pound in nails. - You don't sweat, you percolate. - You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in. - Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down. - You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. - Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house. - Instant coffee takes too long. - People get dizzy just watching you. - Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp. - You're so wired, you pick up AM radio. - People can test their batteries in your ears. - Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans. - You soak your dentures in coffee overnight. - You introduce your spouse as your "CoffeeMate" - You help your dog chase its tail. - You get drunk just so you can sober up.


O .P .G . C L AS S I F I E D S

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FIREWORKS JuLy 2nd 9:15 clay county Fairgrounds JuLy 4th 6pm-until cico Park, Manhattan 10pm heritage Park, Junction city pm

Today's Quickie

A french fry walks into a bar and says to the bartender "hey , could I get a beer please" The bartender looks at him shaking his head and says "No, we don't serve food here"

Manhattan, Kansas 785.320.7633 - Retail design, yard signs, banners, vehicle graphics, wraps and much more.



Crime Doesn’t Pay... ...When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had. ...A man walked into a Circle-K in Louisiana, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked Go to - for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, LIKE uS! (not just because we’re funny) coupons, discounts and updates from our leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer was $15. Question: if someadvertisers will be posted dAILy! one points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed? Call 785-560-3057 or ...Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. They placed the message "HE'S LYING" in the copier, and pressed the 835 S. WAShINGToN ST, JuNcTIoN cITy copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't 785-238-6813 telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed to the police. ...AVweb, a weekly aviation news letter, reported that a Cut out tHiS Coupon anD RECEiVE bungling burglar broke into a Mooney aircraft at the onE FREE gaME oF BoWLing! Knox County, Ohio airport and removed its avionics Good For ONE FREE Game of Bowling per person per day. Not Valid on Cyber Bowl. Shoe Rental Not Included.Offer Exp. 06/30/11 system, including the Emergency Locating Transmitter oPeN @ 9 AM dAILy! or ELT. This device sends homing signals if the aircraft crashes. You can guess what happened next. The hamMorganville handed crook jarred the ELT enough to activate it, and randolph Green authorities had no trouble tracking the perpetrator to his clay lair. center leonardville ...When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still wouldn't give riley him the money, so the robber called the police -- and was wakefield arrested. Manhattan ...A guy wearing pantyhose on his face tried to rob a store Milford in a mall. When the security came, he quickly grabbed a Fort riley ogden shopping bag and pretended to be shopping, forgetting Junction that he was still wearing the pantyhose. He was captured, city and his loot was returned to the store.

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LIKE US at Current Issue Now ONLINE- (Information gathered herein is from sources considered reliable. Accuracy however cannot be guaranteed. All humorous stories and jokes appearing here are intended for entertainment purposes only and are not meant to disrespect or harm any group or individuals. Ads appearing in this paper are not to be considered as an endorsement or validation by Orange Peel Gazette for products or services offered.) In short-just relax and have fun!



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