Ocean City Today
MARCH 9, 2012
OPINION 17
By Stewart Dobson
THE HAWK HOPES FOR MORE ACCOLADES Staff members of the Stephen Decatur High School newspaper, The Hawk, are headed to the annual Columbia Scholastic Press Association convention in New York City this month. In recent years, The Hawk has earned gold medals in overall layout and business operations. Pictured, in front row from left, are senior Chief Editor Kelly Sullivan, advisor Mary Berquist and junior Madelyn Beebe; and in back row, seniors Ashley Hrebik and Michelle Rosinski.
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Many writers who work with a general audience long to put something down on paper, real or simulated, that’s completely inappropriate. This would be as opposed to broadcast personalities, who apparently play a word association game of sorts: you say “apple,” for instance, and they respond with something relating to your use of, the nature of or your resemblance to a body part. I envy their genius. But finally, I have come across an opportunity to indulge my desire to express myself in ways both unwholesome and inflammatory. They are reducing the size of my (expletive deleted) Snickers bar, those (expletive deleted). It’s a (expletive deleted) fact. Having succumbed to pressure from assorted (expletive deleted) health advocates, the Mars candy company has pledged to end shipping any products with more than 250 calories. A king-size Snickers has 510 calories (the regular has 280), which, I must admit, is a lot of (expletive deleted) calories. This is because Mars is part of the Healthy Weight Commitment Foundation, the creation of which was spurred by Michelle Obama’s Partnership for a Healthier America. I understand the wish to reduce the number of overweight people in this country, but maybe they wouldn’t be overweight if they had a (expletive deleted) job, instead of sitting around eating a king-size Snickers while they go through the help wanted ads. And here’s another thing: maybe kids wouldn’t put on so much weight if they would get off their (expletive deleted) and play a little baseball or something instead of lounging indoors saving one video civilization or another. But I digress. The thing to note here is that apparently no one can count. Not us, not them. Let’s say that I can eat a king-size Snickers bar with no problem, which, as it happens, is true. Let’s also say that I go into the store and discover there are no kingsize Snickers. Do I say, “Oh well, I guess the reducedcalorie regular Snickers bar will have to suffice? No, I buy two (expletive deleted) Snickers bars. I guess you never thought of that, you (expletive deleted). Oh, and will the price of these reducedsize Snickers be similarly reduced? No (expletive deleted) way. At any rate, now that I have satisfied my urge to write whatever comes to mind, I have concluded that it isn’t worth the inevitable hassle. Consequently, I will go back and replace every (expletive deleted) with “expletive deleted.” And thanks, I feel so much (expletive deleted) better now.
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