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Confused about hearings aids? Overwhelmed by all the hearing aid ads? stormed out because I had the brilliant idea of calling her over to my bed using the phrase, “Come to daddy.” So I try, I really do. I love my daughter unconditionally. Even after carrot-juice poops. I read her children’s books about female doctors and astronauts. And I do as little meth as possible. But, crap, good-looking 18-year-old Las Vegas females can earn 10 times what I do in a year by grinding into male crotches to Def Leppard’s “Pour Some Sugar on Me.” If I could, I might apply myself. I know it’s possible to raise a normal girl in this abnormal city. One of our babysitters is a beautiful Palo Verde High School senior whose childhood was not a long rehearsal for the sex industry. At 17, she’s not only an honor student with multiple college acceptances, but an actual virgin. (And no, she’s not a Mormon. She was brought up without religion, as we plan our daughter to be.) So I ask Lane — a pseudonym because I refused not to print that she was a virgin — exactly how she acquired this Vegas immunity of hers. It turns out, she hung with friends in parks, restaurants, ice-skating rinks and bowling alleys — like kids in normal cities. “And when you have to walk through a casino, that’s normal to you,” Lane says. “You don’t know any different. It didn’t have an impact on me.” Lane credits her single mom with instilling in her a set of core values that repelled her from the bad influences and kids. When she saw her first hooker billboard truck, for example, her mom told her, “There’s so much more you can be in life than that.” However, Lane also guesses that, for females born with more rebellious personalities — like her older sister, who grew up in California — parental values don’t hold as firmly, and there are probably better places than Las Vegas to raise them to not drop their panties onto a stage.

I’m sorry to break it to you, but there is absolutely nothing you can do to prevent it. Fortunately for me, my daughter skews nonrebellious. Even better, she favors the Dora the Explorer bracelets without glitter, and doesn’t go by any other names in daycare. (So far, so good.) Still, there is one more expert I need to consult before I feel good about my odds. I told my wife it was entirely Desert Companion’s idea for me to ask some strippers how to prevent our daughter from joining their ranks. And she bought it. “I’m sorry to break it to you, but there is absolutely nothing you can do to prevent it,” says a woman who grinds into my crotch to Mötley Crüe’s “Girls, Girls, Girls” at Larry Flynt’s Hustler Club. The 5-foot-7 brunette with a koi fish tattooed on her buttocks says her name is Melody, and that she’s 26 and resides in Huntington Beach, Calif., not far from where she grew up. “The more you try to prevent her,” Melody insists, “the more she will want to.” Note to self: Never show my daughter this article. Melody claims she did not want the conservative life her Laotian parents had in mind for her. I ask her what this life specifically entailed, but I only have $40 cash and our time is up. Melody made her point, however, and it’s a good one. I’m obsessing way too much over this. I should just mellow out and trust good parenting to do its thing. And even if my worst nightmare comes true, I waited until age 46 to become a father. That means there’s a real chance I’ll be dead by the time my daughter becomes a stripper, so what will I care?  And, if not, I’ll be dead right after finding out.

Help is here! Learn what you need to know before you fall for a marketing scheme that doesn't fit your hearing care needs. Desert Valley Audiology and Dr. Tim Hunsaker have created consumer education videos and useful information to help you understand the first step to better hearing. Visit www.LasVegasHears.com today to get started.

Tim Hunsaker, Au.D. Doctor of Audiology

Las Vegas 501 S. Rancho Drive, Suite A6 Las Vegas, Nevada 89106

Henderson 1701 N. Green Valley Parkway Building 8, Suite B Henderson, Nevada 89074

702-605-9133 phone 702-678-6159 fax M ay 2 0 1 4

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Desert Companion - May 2014  

Your guide to living in southern Nevada