A Strretcch o of
Ma Magazzine e
1 Nupur Khadilkar and A Alex Kacvinksyy
In memory of Billy Pilgrim
2 Nupur Khadilkar and Alex Kacvinksy
Table of Contents Letter from the Editor – page 4 Breaking News 1 – page 5 The Meaning of Time – page 7 Have some Fun – page 8 Advice Column – page 9 Have some fun – page 11 Humans at War – page 12 Breaking News 2 – page 14 Answers to Fun – page 15
3 Nupur Khadilkar and Alex Kacvinksy
Letter from the Editors
After reading Slaughterhouse‐Five, by Kurt Vonnegut, we came across the idea of writing
and publishing articles in a magazine from the Tralfamadorians point of view. Throughout Vonnegut's entire book, it is written through Billy's eyes. We figured we would change that, so that all of you can understand the Tralfamadorian side of the story more.
This is the first "Stretch of Time Magazine" (the first edition). There will hopefully be
more editions to come. This first edition consists of feature stories, an advice column, professional analysis, as well as fun interviews. We will cover everything ranging from abductions to murder to time to philosophy.
We hope that this new perspective will give you a new way of looking at things and
broaden your understanding of Slaughterhouse‐Five.
We hope you enjoy.
Nupur Khadilkar and Alex Kacvinsky Co‐Editors
4 Nupur Khadilkar and Alex Kacvinksy
Breaking News: Human Captured Reporter: Zelda B.
He knew we were coming for him. How? We still have absolutely no idea. But he was
there waiting for our arrival. Had Billy Pilgrim, an optometrist from New York, discovered our undercover reporter we had sent to Earth to track his every move? Maybe that was how he knew we were planning his kidnapping.
On the night of the abduction, we were informed that Billy Pilgrim had been shuffling
around in his house waiting, because he knew he was about to be taken away by a flying saucer. Our undercover reporter states that Billy was getting quite anxious and impatient. He had been going through his kids rooms and getting mysterious phone calls, which turned out to be a drunk who had dialed the wrong number. He even uncorked a bottle of dead champagne.
He was getting more and more impatient. Somehow, he knew that he had an hour
before we arrived in our saucer to kidnap him.
Billy Pilgrim wasn't scared at all when he heard our saucer hover over the ground. He
was expecting it. It was as if he was just giving up. The strange thing is, he knew exactly what to do once our saucer came closer and made an owl song. We hovered over Billy and enclosed him in a cylinder of purple light, which was coming from the portholes around the rim of the saucer. The bottom of the saucer opened and a ladder fell out. Billy somehow knew that he was supposed to hold onto the bottom rung of the ladder and he was then pulled into the saucer.
Since we operate in very different ways than those Earthlings, Billy was lost. Luckily,
we have a system that we devised a method in which we can communicate with Earthlings like Billy. It is a computer and a kind of electric organ that makes every Earthling speech sound.
When we began communicating with him, our differences really began to show. The
first question he asked us was, “Why me?” We thought it was very strange of him to ask that, so our response was, “Because this moment simply is.” Our different philosophies of 5 Nupur Khadilkar and Alex Kacvinksy
life bega an to come t through. Earrthlings que estion everyything that h happens to t them, while e we simply acccept it and live in the m moment. We e explained to Billy thatt on Tralfam madore, we accept th he moment and never a ask the quesstion “why??”
We should re W ecognize thiis abduction n of Billy Pilg grim as an o opportunity.. It is an
opportunity to learn n about Eartthlings and a about Earth h. Billy will be featured i in our new at the Tralfam madorian Zo oo very soo on and will b be displayed there until the momen nt exhibit a arrives in n which he m must return to Earth. Evvery Tralfam madorian sho ould make i t a point to visit this new w exhibit to l earn about the strange e Earthling th hat we havee captured.
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The Meaning of Time Today, I, Hallor X, had the opportunity to interview the great Tralfamadorian professor, Dr. Blastorf. Dr. Blastorf has spent his life studying time, fate, and particularly how humans view the aspect of “time.” I was lucky enough to have him answer a few questions I had for him. H: So professor, everyone is wondering one thing, who is truly right about their view on time. Humans or Tralfamadorians? Dr. B: Good question Hallor, well I believe that humans view on time is just different. They believe they always have a choice. As if the bombing of Dresden or death is something that happens on accident. Obviously some saw through this illusion, such as the great author Kilgore Trout or our very own human Billy Pilgrim. Even our other human Montana Wildhack seemed to understand how time is just one big stretch, with different moments being relived at all times. H: Interesting professor, do you think that humans themselves have the capability to see time as it truly is? Dr. B: Another good question. Humans aren’t even capable of seeing all seven sexes, therefore I don’t know if their perception of reality is truly developed enough to see time as it truly is. Again, some humans seemed to grasp it, such as Billy Pilgrim, but he had no true control over time. His fate didn’t allow him to ever fully grasp how to master time. H: I agree, I mean how can someone think there are only “two sexes”? It’s ridiculous. Alright, so what do you think of the human’s view of time? That they have the ability to choose their fate and time goes in chronological order? Dr. B: I think it is a very…creative view on time, but also very fictitious. What I fail to understand is if people had control, why would stupid decisions such as war be made? The bombing of Dresden took tons of innocent lives, and do you really think humans would make those decisions? It was their fate, and that is why it happened. I do believe their theory to be interesting though. You know, it’s weird to think that H: That is true, but maybe some humans have true evil inside of them, what do you think? 7 Nupur Khadilkar and Alex Kacvinksy
Dr. B: I th hink it would d be naïve fo or humans to o believe thaat violence is s the answer to problem ms. Even with their silly b belief on how w time is “ch hronologica l” and theree is no such t thing as fatee, I think thaat if that wass true they w wouldn’t maake the decissions they diid. For exam mple in Slaughteerhouse‐Five,, why would d they be helld captive thhere? What w was the purp pose? H: I think k the purpose was to help win whaat the humaans call “Wo orld War I”.. Dr. B: Ah hh true, how wever I don’t believe thatt humans woould even bee having thiss silly “war” if they trulyy had contro ol over theirr fate. Everytthing happens for a reasson, and thee war is just a a period th hat is being r relived by th hose who hap ppen to live in that geneeration. I found t the interview w to be fasccinating, I mean, I neverr looked at i it that way. That just farrther confirmss that our view of time a as a stretch is truly the correct man nner of how w time flowss, but humans just seem to o not grasp that. But he ey maybe th hey will figurre it out eve entually? Or maybe th hey will always believe their silly th heory and th hat there aree “only two o sexes.”
Take a Break and d Have som me Fun!
Unscramble e U each of the cluue words. Take the le etters that ap pear in Boxes an nd unscramble them for thhe final message.
Answerrs on Page e 15_____ _ 8 Nupur Khadilkar and A Alex Kacvinksyy
Advice Column – questions are answered by Mallory Q, a Tralfamadorian advice columnist 1. So, Billy has been rambling off about these Tralfamadorian creatures. Since I saw found this opportunity to ask a Tralfamadorian a question, I figured I'd take it. So, here goes. I'd like to figure out for myself whether you are actually real or not, so would you mind describing your philosophy to me?
One of the main things we live by is the idea that events have already happened
and we simply live in the moment. Tralfamadorians can choose the moment they want to “relive” and visit any time they would like. There is no past, present, or future. Every person still has birthday’s and a specific date they died, but there is still the notion that time has no limits. We can see the future, since time has already occurred, but unfortunately, we can’t influence what we see will happen. One of our strong beliefs is to focus on the happy moments in life. We do not get disappointed with tragedies of life because we simply choose to live in happy moments and not dwell in the sad times. This gives us a constant optimistic vision of life. I suggest that you do not even attempt to understand us, because we are too much for you little Earthlings to understand. Because of our different views about life, we will understand you, but you will never even begin to understand our complex, but simple, world. 2. Billy has told us a lot about your view of time and living in the moment. I have heard different ideas relating to living in the moment and focusing on the good. Could you please explain what you think about violence?
I am genuinely sorry if you are not satisfied with my answer, but it is simple. We
ignore it. We ignore violence and focus on the good times. That is why living in the moment is so special. We Tralfamadorians think that you Earthlings should learn to ignore the awful times and concentrate on the good ones. But then again, we don’t 9 Nupur Khadilkar and Alex Kacvinksy
even live in any one time. We live in the moment, since we believe that time is not a linear thing. We believe that there will always be war on Earth, even after we have tried to convince you all that focusing on the good is better, since you Earthlings are designed that way (very stubborn). We simply bypass important things like wars and deaths. 3. What is your view on free will? On Earth, people have different opinions, but I was wondering what you think?
Free will doesn’t exist. Tralfamadorians are fatalists. We do not believe in free will
and we believe that everything that happens is fate. Humans have an “illusion of free will.” Free will is on earth because you Earthlings believe that time progresses in a linear fashion, rather than how we see it. In our fourth‐dimension world of Tralfamadore, time has already occurred and we simply live in the moment. We believe that every single person’s life is already planned out for them. We also believe that no one has control over their own life, or the events that will take place in their life. You humans are very silly creatures. You think that things that happen to you are caused by the choices you have made in your life. This should explain why we believe that free will is non‐existent. 4. What is your honest opinion of Billy Pilgrim? Do you enjoy his presence? Or is he just an outcast in your society? Honestly, Billy Pilgrim doesn’t fit in. He is an Earthling. We are Tralfamadorians. There is your answer. We are different. The only reason we have accepted him into our community is so that we can learn more about your planet (Earth). We are very interested in learning about Earth and Billy is our connection, therefore, we must accept him. This may be hard for you to take, but we must look out for ourselves and furthering our knowledge of Earth will help us succeed in the long run. Billy Pilgrim is just our connection to Earth, once we have gotten the information we want, we will slowly begin to push him away and not let him return to Tralfamadore. 10 Nupur Khadilkar and Alex Kacvinksy
Take a Break and d Have som me Fun!
Mental Illn ness
Worldd War Two
(Ansswers on page 155)
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Humans at War By: Dr. Placmor World War II? What is a World War II? I, Dr. Placmor, agreed to write an article for A Stretch of TIME, to fully analyze bloodshed between humans. Is there a purpose? Do they have a reason? So this whole war started with Adolf Hitler trying to narrow the population down to the “perfect race”, which isn’t even possible because humans can’t even see in the fourth dimension, so a “perfect human” is an oxymoron. I today am taking the challenge to write about one specific aspect, the bombing of Dresden. It will be challenging, there is nothing intelligent to say about a massacre, but I think after re‐living the experience a couple times I fully grasp it. Americans tried to protect those that aren’t perfect, but only provoked the ferocious beast that is Germany. When the innocent get hurt, things get serious. If only humans could understand that death is solely an unpleasant moment in time, but that’s a whole different topic. If humans could truly understand that violence wasn’t the answer, there wouldn’t be conflict. There is no point in conflict, since time is just one big stretch and everyone will depart from each other eventually. I personally decided to travel to slaughterhouse‐five post‐bombing to get some of the soldiers’ opinions. They believed they were having a hallucination, which played to my advantage. One soldier in particular had a very strong opinion on the war. “I believe that Germany is being stupid…you…hand?” said Edgar Derby, imprisoned soldier, “I think it is a great idea for the U.S. to ally with Russia, and if Germany doesn’t think that violence is definitely not the solution. Also there is no perfect race, regardless of‐ Oh a teapot! I will keep that for myself.” He got a bit distracted, but there is one human who knows what he is talking about. I decided to collect another opinion from a nameless soldier.
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“Nothingg can be acco omplished w without death,” said the soldier darkkly. Worried,, I crawled away quickly. I didn’t know w what this gguy was plan nning on acccomplishing, but I was ho oping murdeer ne of them. I was glad I got away wiith all five off my fingers.. wasn’t on The diffe erentiation o of opinions trruly exhibitss why humanns cannot geet anything aaccomplisheed. They beliieve that kee eping human ns in a shed like cattle, aand trying to o destroy a w whole city so olve problemss. That is all I have to sayy! Thank you u all for readding, and tun ne in next tim me for A One‐ eyed View w on World War One.
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Breaking News: Captured Human Assassinated Our Tralfamadorian reporter has given us an update from the field. You guys surely remember Billy Pilgrim, the Zoo’s biggest exhibit. Well, he has been assassinated by a high powered laser gun. After months in captivity with our other star, Montana Wildhack, he was planning on revealing the secrets of our beloved planet to the earth, before he got killed by a psycho with a high powered laser. The laser killed Billy Pilgrim on impact. We asked other humans on the scene about Billy Pilgrim, here are some responses: “The guy is a nut!” said Bill Johnson, 58, “I am glad he got killed before a riot broke out and every started trying to ‘travel through time’.” “I think his vision was beautiful, eye opening even,” said bystander Susan Johannson, “It’s always the great ones that are killed too early.” Clearly reactions about Billy’s brief by memorable words of wisdom were very mixed. Regardless, I think a high powered laser is a bit too opinionated. But it’s not like he had a choice, we are all subject to our own fates, his was just a bit stranger than most. Billy on the other hand isn’t too affected; death is just an unpleasant moment anyways. I am sure he is living another great moment in his life as you read this. We also decided to sit down with some friends of Billy, talk question them about what they thought of him. First we have Montana Wildhack, someone who shared the zoo exhibit with Billy himself. “I don’t think he deserved to die,” said Montana, “He always had so many stories to tell me, always something different. He was a traveler, and his travels molded him into a great person.” Hmm, who knew porn star Montana had a heart. Well clearly she felt something for Billy Pilgrim, whether it is intimate or something more. We also spoke with Valencia, before her death. “Billy, what a sweet man,” said Valencia, “why are you having me say something about him?” She clearly didn’t grasp the whole “time is a stretch” concept. “For future use,” our reporter said, to avoid any strife regarding the assassination. Despite Billy’s closed‐ off personality, he had at least two personal relationships that strived.
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hough for tho ose who can u understand ti me, it is just aa moment off discomfort. TTo Death is tragic, even th e death of Billly, let us list some attributes that he haad. One is his ability to grassp the true honor the meaning o of time more than any oth her human. Th hat may be h is only one, b but it counts ffor somethingg. Billy Pilgriim, a fighter, a traveler, a h husband, a faather. He will be missed byy those dwelling on earth, well those still alive anywayys. Answers tto Fun!
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So it goes…
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Published on Apr 18, 2012