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You Know What Else Children Don’t Know?


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Chapter 3: The Things Children Do Not Know You could fill a book with the things children don’t know, but this topic will be addressed in this chapter only. Please refer to the late Edward Thomas’ adolescent treatise The Things They Aren’t Telling Us for a more in-depth examination. Many aspects of the adult world remain a mystery to a child. Children slog through their days ignorant of even the possibility of the existence of an unknown, and remain

Fig. 3.1 See? Children are blissfully ignorant.


happy to do so (See Fig. 3.1). They don’t know certain things because adults do know these things, and adults own the world. That’s rule #1. That adults own the world. Rule #2 is that adults know things and children do not. As an addendum, Rule #3 was added in the late 13th century to clarify for those who could not connect the dots: Adults do not share the things they know with the children who, by default, do not know.

The Rules: 1. Adults own the world 2. Adults know stuff, and kids don’t 3. Adults aren’t sharing

Those are the rules. Those have been the rules for thousands of years. Evolution created the rules. No amount of information sharing can change the rules. Children have tried, but those children no longer exist. (Please see Rule #1 and the essay, How Edward Thomas Almost Changed the World, now available in paperback.)


Please note: it is widely agreed that parents fall under the category of “adults,” and therefore adhere to the rules of that category. These two terms will be used interchangeably throughout this chapter.

Something children do not know Something the first: Why parents put their kids to bed Putting someone somewhere should be a red flag, but red flags are not something that children know. When you put something, it’s a thing. It’s put-able. It does not have the ability or the wherewithal to put itself, so someone needs to do the putting for it. And so, adults put, and children are put. Once children are put and en route to a dream state, they are generally considered taken care of. Doors must be closed at this time to avoid confusion and question-

Fig. 3.2 Unacceptable door gap


ing by the child at a later date (See Fig. 3.2). If the child inadvertently witnesses things they do not know, the child must be dealt with without delay. (Please see Appendix D for information on “Utilizing Closet and Under-bed Monsters,” “Chasing Children” and “Inventing Believable Monster Explanations on the Spot.”)

Something else children do not know Something the second: What is really under the bed. Closet and under-bed monsters must be confined to their working areas in order for parental units to maintain credibility (See Fig. 3.3). A parent who has lost credibility has lost authority, which violates Rule #1. In

Fig. 3.3 Eating facilities are generally not considered an acceptable part of a designated work area.


the case of a Rule #1 violation, a child shall be held accountable and their punishment swift. Monsters observed outside their work zones could lead to disbelief of parental monsterial explanations and, in turn, an inquiring child. Inquiring children shall be promptly tortured. (Please see Appendix B, “Are We There Yet?�)

Handy Hint Monsters need a healthy working environment, so avoid unnecessary vacuuming or cleaning in designated work areas.

You know what else children do not know? Something the third: What parents really are when they remove their parent suits. What happens to a parent after a child has been put to bed? Do canines grow? Maybe. But children will never know.


Does wooly hair sprout from their skin? Maybe. But children will never know.

Please refer to the helpful hints in Chapter 5, “How to avoid body dandruff,” if you find you are prone to such things.

Are they attracted to the smell of clean skin and warm milk breath? Maybe. But, again, children will never know. Remember, only adults know what’s beneath a parent suit, as dictated by Rule #2. Adults must appreciate that when removing parental suits, children should be confined to areas unavailable for viewing removals (See Figs. 3.2 and 3.4). Children observing parental suit removal are violating both Rule #2 and Rule #3 and must be tortured (please see Appendix D). If bogus parental rationalization and customary torture procedures fail to appease the child, or in the case of chronic witnessing, immediate termination is in order. (Please see Appendix M: “Feeding Your Monster” and Appendix N: “Feeding Your Monster Within.”)


Fig. 3.4 Chronic witnessing will require immediate termination.

Always remember keeping under-bed and closet monster memberships in good standing requires co-op participation on everyone’s part. If you accept the generosity of other members allowing you into their homes, your time as a parental unit and allowing others to torture in your home is expected. Eating another member’s child remains an added benefit, but remember, it takes both monsters and parents to make this work. Your participation as a parental unit is essential to a healthy and unlimited manipulation of adult authority.


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You Know What Else Children Don't Know?