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I am a fat woman.

I have not always been this way. In fact- it was somewhat recently that I gained weight.

Perhaps, the origin of my weight gain is why most of my insecurities focus on my body.

I started gaining weight in 2016 when I began anti- depressants. I would always say that I would rather be happy than depressed, but honestly, I’m not sure if that’s true. I mean, fundamentally, of course, I want a content life, but more often than not, I feel inhibited by my body, as if it’s holding me back.

This depression drives me, and limits my experiences in attempted relationships. It seems like a burden to date me. a burden to touch my gross body dimples in my back mounds of flesh stretchmarks everywhere

I started looking at online dating the Spring of my freshman year.

I had not much experience on dating in my life and felt behind in life.

And I’m pretty sure that a middle school boyfriend that you only date through text doesn’t count - even if you profess your love to him after one month.

The body has always been an outlet of my insecurities. It was something I could abuse, something always there to hate.

It was Unruly, never fitting in with other’s.

All bodies are unruly in that way.

I cannot control people’s perceptions and that frustrates me to all ends.

My worries are far less than other people’s but I still feel this constant fetishization, and even just yesterday, writing this, I got a DM because of my art about my body. This constant judgement as a fat woman never stops. I don’t even feel justified calling myself that- FAT. This derogatory term, am I worthy of it? Am I even fat enough? I am not skinny, this I know.

How do I let people know the burden they must hold if they date me?

I am defined by my body.

What else is there?

I must admit, I fretted over my profile- whether I should state my weight, feeling like it was a disadvantage and turn off to both guys and girls. I was not sure whether to include pictures of me in all full glory or just show my chubby face.

In Rachel Wiley’s poem, “10 Honest Thoughts on Being Loved by a Skinny Boy”, she discusses the plights of love and fatness. The magical surrealism that is having love while being fat is everyday.

The thought of love while having a body that is unlovable by many seems impossible. Wiley talks about how people see her as lucky to have found it, not as if it is a normal thing, but instead, an anomaly.

I do not know if I will ever be loved. That is the truth.

I feel unlovable, not because I’m fat, not because I hate every movement I make, but because, I do not love myself. and

I have come to terms with this.

In November, I did a nude photoshoot, and it was powerful. It showed me that my body wasn’t everything. While the camera focused on my curves, I found that it wasn’t a big deal anymore. I’m not body positive. I’m body neutral. My self worth does not rely on how I look, but when I go on dating sites, that’s the only way to judge.