INDIA EDITION WWW.FHMINDIA.COM
VOL 2 ISSUE 9 JULY 2009 RS 100
G RETAT ADVEN UR
Ride! Div ! Air-raEcS Tobogge e! a Surf! Pu n! Hunt! ke! Loop... Rest!
Terminator Salvation From the sets
Q&A: McG, Moon Bloodgood and Sam Worthington
Making of the Moonwatch
World’s Best! Classic cars
One life to ride
Trip checklist SEX
The Flying Penis
Nudist beach and circus capers
LOSE HALF A STONE IN A WEEK GEAR HOW TO BUY RIDING JACKET, BOOTS, HELMETS... What, me midlife crisis? 30’s - The new 20’s
Smouldering hot! And absolutely chilled-out...
PLUS! Kamala Das + Nuclear holocaust + Ben Stiller + Apache Pilot + Cloning + Ashvin Kumar + Shah Rukh Can
tional Magaaz of the Yeine ar
07/09 Back then, they used to say you get a call. Once you got it, all you did was switch to autopilot and let the heart chart its course. I got the call when I was 21, over 12 years ago. I took the ﬁrst train out of Pune where I was studying Journalism. I had no reservations, no plan, no maps. When you listen to that inner voice, everything else falls into place. You meet strangers come who help you in the most unusual of circumstances, cotravellers who walk a few steps with you and go their way but leave an indelible memory and guides who show you the way when you don’t even know you are lost. The experiences over the next month transformed me. I slept in bus-sheds, shat and bathed in the open, took djiredoo lessons from a Canadian, washed clothes in icy streams, suffered altitude sickness, smoked my ﬁrst chillum and had my ﬁrst taste of life on the road. Nothing is the same after you have answered the call. Today, the trip to Ladakh has become a rite of passage. Between June and October every year, hundreds of riders from across the country religiously make the pilgrimage to this Mecca of self-discovery and come back transformed and eager to return. As monsoon belatedly lashes the plains and we shift from cursing the heat to swearing at the rains, we at FHM bring you the ultimate escape. In the following pages, we outline all that you need to know about this life-altering experience. Get a ﬁrst hand account of two friends who rode through the moonscape on bikes in Motorcycle Diaries. Veteran travellers share their road-trip experiences in Traveller’s Tales. If you think that bikes and road-trips are juvenile ideas and there is no escaping your mid-life crisis, check out One Life To Ride where a 58 year-old recounts his travelling experiences. And for those seeking further inspiration, we have lined up an eclectic mix of books and ﬁlms to egg you on... Once you feel inspired enough, we have prepared a checklist for you to simple tick off. For those who have been there and done that, we have compiled a adrenalin pumping, highoctane list of FHM 100 Greatest Adventures beyond the Great Indian Ride... Just pick one and ﬂy out. And while that getaway may take its time to materialise, we have also ensured that you get an instant respite. Courtesy the hottest and the most chilled out girl in Bollywood Neha Dhupia. Check out our sizzling photoshoot with this scorcher to know why she is arguably the sexiest girl in BTown. We have it all sorted. All you need to do now is check-out of drudgery and check-in to Life... Adventure beckons at every step! Take that call... Tushar A Amin Editor
FHM For Him Magazine, Next Gen Publishing Ltd., 2nd floor, Khatau House, Mogul Lane, Mahim (W), Mumbai 400 016. www.fhmindia.com Editorial fax: +91 22 24448289 EDITORIAL
Editor Tushar A Amin Features Writer Nisha Samson Junior Features Writer Reza Noorani
ART DESK Creative Director Atul Bandekar Senior Graphic Designer Nandkishor Sawant Graphic Designer Khushboo Shah Illustrator Ajay Paradkar
PICTURES DESK Deepak Narkar, Ninad Jadhav, Ravi Parmar
CONTRIBUTORS Words: Simon Munk, Kevin Hackett, Steve Beale, Josh Woodfin Illustrations: Massiniliano Panzironi
ONLINE Online Correspondent Prajna Rao
PUBLISHING Publisher Khushroo Bhadha Associate Publisher Vijaya Saran FHM India is a licensee product of Emap Consumer Media Ltd. UK
NEWSSTAND DISTRIBUTION India Book House Pvt. Ltd.
SUBSCRIPTION & CIRCULATION K. Srikanth, Next Gen Publishing Ltd., 2nd floor, Khatau House, Mogul Lane, Mahim (W), Mumbai 400 016. Tel: +91 22 67525252 Fax: +91 22 24448289
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Views and opinions expressed in the magazine are not necessarily those of Next Gen Publishing Ltd. Next Gen Publishing Ltd does not take responsibility for returning unsolicited manuscripts, photographs, or other material. All material published in FHM India is copyright and no part of the magazine may be reproduced in part or full without the express prior written permission of the publisher. Published by Khushroo Bhadha on behalf of Next Gen Publishing Ltd., 2nd floor, Khatau House, Mogul Lane, Mahim (W), Mumbai 400016. Printed by Khushroo Bhadha, Next Gen Publishing Ltd., 2nd floor, Khatau House, Mogul Lane, Mahim (W), Mumbai 400016. Printed at Kala Jyothi Process Pvt. Ltd, 1-1-60/5 RTCX Roads, Hyderabad 20. Published at Next Gen Publishing Ltd., 2nd floor, Khatau House, Mogul Lane, Mahim (W), Mumbai 400016. Editor Tushar A Amin
FOR HIM MAGAZINE 07/09
All of the good, none of the bad, every month
Everything that matters this month...
Where to spend your time and hard-earned money
8 Incoming girl Payal Rohatgi on big brother, road trips and safe sex! 11 High street honey A hot looking lucky brit! 12 Launchpad Helping you splurge smart on a lappy. 14 Jokes Potentially deadly funny ones! 16 Map The badasses of the international N-bomb scene. 18 Incoming dance Keeping it real with some old school breakdance. 20 Explainer Nutty doctors reviving the wooly mammoth! 21 Cause Etching a new dawn in film making with Onir. 22 Rocky and Mayur The highway guys do a reality check on racism in India. 23 Rant Reza Noorani raves and rants on the death of a whole generation.
26 Hollywood Lock and load with the fourth, super cool Arnie-less Terminator flick. 30 Carbon Dater The Fastest wind powered car ever made!
FOR HIM MAGAZINE 07/09
Features Highlights of the month 32 Grand old rides The classiest most swanky old rides including an Indian one! 38 Cover story Neha Dhupia sizzles on the pages 50 30’s - the new 20’s Here’s why the 30’s rock! 54 Apache pilot Face to face with a killing machine. 56 The Independent Indian Oscar nominated director on taking on the bad bolly biggies.
60 The Khan Chronicles Decoding king Khan, in paperback this time! 62 100 great adventures Craziest places tailor made for a sureshot adventure. 80 Motorcycle diaries A direct account of living it up on the road. 86 One life to ride Road tripping with a Doctor and his motley crew. 90 Easy rider riding with a regular old ROADSHAKER. 91 Between the lines Classic books and films on loving your mean machine. 96 Road gear Dressing up smart for the unavoidable!
Upgrade We’re making you a better man – bit by bit, every month 98 Lose half a stone Dump all the funky junk, get your act right and get back in shape, fast in a week!
Miss FHM Behold the part of FHM co-written by the ladies 100 Virgin Diaries Celebs and regular folk talk about their first time.. 103 FHM Angels Racist girlfriends, funky tasting jizz, addiction to porn. You’ve got questions, she’s got answers! 106 Hickey Virginity theories and all that jazz. COVER: NEHA DHUPIA Photographer: Vikram Bawa Hair: Kaushalya D’souza Make-up: Ojas Rajani Stylist: Chola Watches: TAG Heuer
E-MAIL: email@example.com POST: Letters, FHM, Next Gen Publishing Ltd., 2nd Floor, Khatau House, Mogul Lane, Mahim (W), Mumbai 400 016.
The sexiest best!
When it comes to chosing and numbering sexy girls, I feel confused. How do people do it! It’s like when two hot girls are walking by and my friend asks, whom I’d take? “Both of course”, I always say. “The third one too, if she’s there and pretty!” Karan, Mumbai Dear Karan. We know the phase that you’re going through. Teenage angst coupled wth horniness gets people to act weird! About numbering hot girls, our readers did that. Interestingly, some of them, just like you chose a whole lot of girls, and many times over too! See with hot girls, there’s no right or wrong.You just got to go with it mate!
We were so lost lining up the sexiest women for you in the last issue, we lost focus and missed out on the most important detail. Vikram Bawa was the photographer who had clikced Shilpa Shetty, Nethra,
THE ULTIMATE MEN’S STYLE GUIDE
FREE SUPPLEMENT WITH THE FHM JUNE 2009 ISSUE • NOT TO BE SOLD SEPARATELY
STYLE. SUBSTANCE. SPIRIT.
STYLE EVERYDAY DRESSING
STYLED. SORTED. READY. WORLD’S
T BES WHISKIES WATCHES
S SHOE ACCESSORIES
S TIE EXCLUSIVE
THE FOR MAN ON THE GO LUXE 25
ANAND KABRA NACHIKET BARVE
IS HER E 00 FHM COLLECTIONS 09/08
NITIN BAL CHAUHAN
PRIA KATARIA PURI SHAHEEN ABBAS
+ TIES BEST OF: MAN BAGS + GROOMING + EYEWEAR + SHOES + PERFUMES
Hybrid beasts and where to find them? As an SUV owner, I’d like to do my bit for the environment deﬁnitely but I’m in no way going to ride something small in which I have to squat to ﬁt in! So unless us Indian drivers have more bulkier options, I am deﬁnitely not getting down to squat level to ride in the little one! Aamir, Delhi Hey Aamir., Sure the elephant man may have a problem getting in a pint
The Dapper Style guide Dear Editor. I had to tell you this since a long time now and with the June issue, I couldn’t help but type it all out! Style wise, you guys rock seriously hard! I say this cause I’ve been keeping a tab on the upgrade section in your pages and boy is it interesting! Thanks for sorting it out for confused dressers like myself. To be honest, a person can literally get lost in his clothes, with all the million options available with ties and belts and shades and what not! And the watches in your pages; forget about it! They were bloody magniﬁcent! Espescially the understated brown leather strapped Patek
Urvashi, Mia and Bruna. We are sorry Vikram. You made them look sooo stunning, we just couldn’t think straight. And thank you for being sweet about the slip. We owe you one... big time. Tushar A Amin, Editor sized hybrid but for him its his nuts that are getting in the way and not his prejudices! Infact, we’re of the opinion, the cleaner your ride, the cooler it is. So buckle up dude, the future is hybrid and it is damn bright!
Rev it green
To save Mother Nature from pissing her pants, FHM checks out, what’s the deal with the tame looking Hybrid beasts. 7/2$3ô2%:!ô.//2!.) ),,5342!4)/.ô!*!9ô0!2!$+!2 Hybrids
Q>Añ?FQñMOF@BVñLMQFLKñ@>IIBAñQEBñ%V?OFAñ 1EBOBñ@LJBPñ>ñQFJBñFKñBSBOVñ@>OñLTKBOPñIFCBñ >OñKAñ KL ñFQñFPñKLQñ>Qñ>IIñD>VñQLñAOFSBñLKB ñFQñFPñGRPQñDLL TEBKñEBñ>PHPñEFJPBIC ñCLOñELTñILKDñKLTñ@>Kñ Añ EBñ PBKPB ñPLJBQFJBPò DLñLKñARJMFKDñMLFPLKLRPñD>PBPñOFDEQñFKQLñ -BLMIBñEB>OñEV?OFAñ>KAñPQ>OQñQEFKHFKDñ@EB>Mñ *LQEBOñ+>QROBPñMOBQQVñC>@Bñ#LOñELTñILKDñ@>K ñ OFABPñTEF@EñFPñP>Añ1EBñ@LPQñBCCB@QFSBKBPPñLCñ EBñPMBKAñE>ICñLCñEFPñIFCBñ>KAñEFPñP>SFKDPñ>QñQO>C h@ñ EV?OFAñFPñ>ñSBOVñ@LJMIBUñMEBKLJBKLKñ1LñMRQñ G>JPñ?ROKFKDñD>P ñQEBñMOF@BPñLCñTEF@EñOFPBñ FQñ PFJMIV ñALKQñDBQñ>IIñ@EB>Mñ>KAñIBQñVLROñIFQQIBñ RKBSBKIVñTFQEñBSBOVñM>PPFKDñA>Vñ1EBñ>KPTBO ñQLñ PQFKDVñ?O>FKñQOF@HñVLRñFKQLñQEFKHFKDñQE>QñLK@BñV QEFPñNRBPQFLKñFPñKLQñCLOQVñQTLñLOñ?ILTFKDñFKñQEB LRñ ñ DBQñ>ñEV?OFAñVLRñTLKQñKBBAñQLñPMBKAñLKñCRBIñ TFKAñLOñ>KVñLQEBOñPR@EñMEFILPLMEF@>Iñ?RQñCRKK ñ Vòñ EV?OFAPñKLQñPLJBQEFKDñJ>DF@>IñTEF@EñTFIIñTLO DF??BOFPEñ1EBñ>KPTBOñFPñ>ñSBOVñMO>@QF@>Iñ>KAñ Hñ >ñ LKñ>FOñLOñC>OQPñLOñ>KVñLQEBOñTBFOAñPJBIIFKDñPLR O@Bñ
FOR HIM MAGAZINE 06/09
Philippe, that just killed me. With Men’s style, you guys really know what you’re saying. Sujoy, Kolkota Hey there Sujoy. Take it easy little dude! True one can go all deep into men’s dressing if one wants to but what the heck. Why do you think jeans were invented? Don’t think too much into it. Say, on some blue day, when you’re feeling too confused, just throw on a pair of jeans and the trick is done! Don’t be too blown away by all the style, it’s the exterior mate. Be updated, be smart, keep reading and the style sense will follow. P.S: The Patek Philippe is a personal favourite.
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FOR HIM MAGAZINE 07/09
Girl High street honey Jokes Map Explainer
The hottest things that matter this month...
She’s gorgeous, hot and boy does she know it. Oh, and she acts too! (drool, drool, drool) looks smokin...and boy does she know it. “I drive men crazy. I think us women should look hot and there is absolutely no harm in it,” says Payal. We agree Payal, it would be blasphemous to think otherwise. A few movies and a reality show later this hottie is ready to set ﬁlm reels on ﬁre. Talking about reality, Big Boss was about reality wasn’t it? “The back-biting and cruel behaviour was all real. Most of the women disliked me from day one. All that’s water under the bridge now as Bollywood beckons,” says Payal. This bombshell has selective offers in her kitty but she is not giving us details just yet. Wait and watch is all she tells us. Wait and watch we will...with bated breath. In the meantime, allow this hottie to take you through our smokin pages. PAYA L R O H AT G I
People call you a bombshell, how many hearts have you blown up? I’ve lost count of it. The hearts that I’ve blown up so far have not been worth it so I didn’t care to keep track. (Laughs) Incoming Map, pg 16 Broken hearts aside, we are assuming that you have quite a heart. Do you see films with a message making it to mainstream cinema in Bollywood? What do you think Bollywood needs to do get these films to the fore? Bollywood keeps their commercial aspect in mind and rightly so. However TV is a good medium since it’s reach is more. Indie cinema, pg 56 008
FOR HIM MAGAZINE 07/09
Staying with films, you have a super sexy image, think you will ever want to be a part of an independent film? Oh totally. My glam image got me into the industry but I know I have to progress from being a super glam girl to a serious actress. Indie cinema, pg 58 Averse to video games, how about books? Especially if it’s about SRK. Sound interesting? Oh yes. Khan chronicles, pg 60 SRK has been around for eons. Think he still has sex appeal? Oh totally, I love SRK so some may call me biased but he had it in Fauji and he still oozes it now. In fact he is even yummier now. Khan chronicles, pg 60 Tripping over SRK, how about cars? Are you a good driver? I drive men crazy, why then have the stress of driving a car? I think us women should just look pretty and allow the guy to control the car (and that is the only thing he need control...laughs) Grand rides, pg 32 Staying with men, women are practically wetting their pants over men in their 30’s. Are men in ther 30’s really hotter than the ones in their 20’s? Of course, men in the 20’s are dumb and too full of themselves. On the other hand, men in 30’s
FOR HIM MAGAZINE 009
have a perspective on life. They’ve been with their share of women and know how to woo a woman. Besides they are stable, consistent and earning. The 30’s rule completely and TOTALLY! 30’s the new 20’s, pg 50 Any first time confessions you’d like to spill out? Big Boss is my confession. Don’t arch those eye-brows, I am talking about the Big Boss experience with the people. Man, the women hated me from day one and the men well, a few were nice and a few were worse than women! Virgin diaries, pg 100 Your take on ridiciulous virginity theories We are hypocrites when it comes to a lot of theories. We have 1.2 billion people and counting. It’s time we blew these theories out and focus on the truth about sex. Hickie, pg 106 That’s strong and forceful, any particular sex advice you give your pals? Yes, practice SAFE SEX. And I cannot reiterate that stronger. Miss FHM, pg 103 Safe sex. We are assuming you are not much of an adventure junkie then, are you? (Laughs) Where did you get that from! I beg to differ. I came to Mumbai with just Rs 10,000 in my pocket. I didn’t know the city but I found my way and made it. That is rather adventurous I’d say. FHM 100 Greatest Adventures, pg 62 So the train ride to the city was adventurous, what about bikes. Think they add to a guys sex appeal? Yes of course, bikes do a man’s personality. I think they have a macho kind of look. One life to ride, pg 86
FOR HIM MAGAZINE 07/09
Even if there is a scrawny guy riding it? Ugh no. A scrawny guy has no personality to add to. He doesn’t need a bike, he needs serious help and a makeover. One life to ride, pg 86 Fitnes mantra The surya namaskar, breathing exercises, and all the chakras keep me looking and feeling fabulous. I am sure all the men will agree. Lose half a stone, pg 98 Bboying is quite a rage now. But it does seem like the dancers will lose their hair with all those twirls. Ever tried break dancing? Losing hair or not, I would love to try this form of dance. I can manage some belly movements and I do it rather well, if I say so myself. So yeah even though I’ve never tried it, I would love to. Hey can I have the number to that dance studio? Bboying, pg 16 Okay, from physical fitness to fitness of the soul. Think you have a social conscience? Of course I do, I am a beauty with brains and a conscience. (Laughs) I have been working with an NGO that rehabilitates drug addicts for quite a while now. I have only recently blogged about it to raise more awareness. Talking of society though, we live in a rather hypocritical one. Most people get social concious only when it’s media driven. Rant, pg 16
erotic writers because we are still a very cloistered society when it comes to sex. It’s high time we talk about sex and sexuality because that is the only way people will be aware of everything. Vices arise because of deprivation and writers like Kamala Das are a few who try and break out of the so called ‘normal’ mould. Kamala Das, pg 16
Kamala Das was one of the most influential feminist writers. She wrote brilliant erotic poetry. Like it? Do you think we need more female erotic writers? I have not read Leela yet, but now I am going to. I do believe India needs more feminist
Terminator has been sweeping the globe. Like the movie? I am not an action movie fan at all. I am all for mush as I am a die-hard romantic. With due respect to Christian Bale, I will leave Terminator the movie to my brother and his friends. Hollywood, pg 16
Poor Chistian Bale! So, have you ever been backpacking? You upto living in hostels and motels and well just roughing it out? Oh, I so want to go backpacking. I am always up to trying something different and love a challenge. I have to admit though that I am not willing to give up luxury completely. But I wouldn’t mind roughing it out for one trip. So yeah, I know that living in hostels and motels sans the luxury will be different, but it sure will be fun too. I simply cannot wait. That and yeah I am hoping to have a crazy adventure on my trip too. Watch this space for more... The travelling yogi, pg 16
Snita Mehay the form of a sweet cameo in his next ﬁlm “Luck”. So she’s through with the whole bollydrill now, with the acting classes and dance classes and horse - riding. Oops! Sorry, that’s for the old-school “hero” types. So yeah, the girl has already put her pretty pink foot in the door (bloody nice legs!) and all that is left is to hear the news of her actual big bolly debut. Well, don’t worry honey. In bollywood, good things always happen with pretty people!
FHM HIGH STREET HONEY
WORDS: REZA NOORANI, PHOTOGRAPH COURTESY: GLOBOSPORT
Lucky Brit! Another Brit lass to hit our shores this time is Snita Mehay, a very ﬁt looking desi chick with features so neat and sharp, they could cut rock! Hers is a regular bollywood story which goes something like - girl comes to India to ﬁnd her roots, loves the place, bumps into a guy and stays back. Only difference being the guy in question was director Soham Shah who offered her a golden ticket to Bollywood in
FOR HIM MAGAZINE 011
Launch Pad Each month, the best way to navigate your hard earned cash
Sweep ProBook – Blending Business Chic with Affordability The ProBook offers style and substance for business users. It packs a tremendous amount
HP Pavilion dv3 Series – The Show Stopper!! Lightweight and sleek, the HP Espresso Black Imprint gives mobile entertainment that ﬁts into your bag. Watch movies on your 13.3-inch diagonal LED widescreen display with the new 16:9 widescreen panel. Mobile computing and entertainment at its best! Price: Starts at Rs. 50,990 of style and great features that will captivate and hook small and medium business users. The keyboard’s innovative layout provides visually open and raised keys which give better handling. Price: Starts at Rs. 40,990
HTC Magic HTC Magic Smartphone It opens up a new experience for Airtel users. A tablet-style device, with a sleek design & extraordinary compactness for a smartphone, it presents a supreme mobile internet and multimedia experience. Enhanced with Outlook synchronisation, and an onscreen keyboard with predictive text, the HTC Magic is a true entertainment and communication powerhouse. Airtel customers can avail many utility based applications such as Portfolio Manager, Hello Tunes Manager, Mobshare, Inmobile search and City Search. Price: Price on request. 012
FOR HIM MAGAZINE 07/09
Straight Drive HP Pavilion dv6 Series Entertainment Notebook PC - Straight to your heart If you’re a tech junkie then this baby will totally connect with you. It’s Invisible controls come alive with glowing luminosity once powered up. Handsomely glazed in the HP Imprint of Espresso Black, this piece of technical wizardry will empower and elevate your mobile lifestyle to a whole new level. Price: Starts at Rs. 40,990.
HP Mini 110 - Every Fashionistas delight Geared towards information “snacking” and content enjoyment, the HP Mini 110 is perfect for life on the go! If the pink doesn’t suit you, choose between crazy Black Swirl and White Swirl combos! Price: Starts at Rs 22,990.
Cut Shot Compaq 610 Notebook PC – Fits every budget! The notebook PC is light and attractive. With starting weight of only 2.49kgs, it is a perfect computing partner. The 16:9 ratio, 15.6 – inch diagonal LEDbacklit high deﬁnition widescreen display produces images similar to HDTV. Price: Starts at Rs. 33,500.
Hook HP Pavilion dv2 - Entertainment on the go! The stylishly sleek but loaded machine delivers even more power and performance. Inspired by liquid metallic forms, the clean architectural line of this notebook is complimented by a 12.1” LED Backlit Widescreen display and a glossy chrome ﬁnish. Price: Starts at Rs 38,490.
Race-Vent_gloves 06/09 FOR HIM MAGAZINE
Being funny, so you don’t have to… READERS’ JOKES
This one day my wife caught me when I was masturbating intensely to one of those raunchy magic eye pictures. .. I looked her in the eye and told her, “it’s not what it looks like honey!” Tim, Castle Carey
Final furlong A woman was considering buying an ageing, broken down thoroughbred horse but wanted a veterinarian’s opinion of the nag before she could go ahead and finalise the deal. When the vet had completed his examination, she asked him, “Will I be able to race him?” The veterinarian looked at the woman, then at the horse. “Sure,” he replied, “and you’ll probably win!” Tommy, Whitechapel
Chef’s special A man walks down the street and sees a sign hanging outside a restaurant, advertising that the chef will prepare anything for the customer, no matter how unusual it might be. The man walks inside and tells the waiter, “I want a big brown, fresh steaming plate of shit.” The waiter replies, “I’m sorry sir, we can’t do that, it’s impossible.” The man reminds him about what the sign out front claims. The waiter sighs and says he will go and talk to the chef, see if it’s possible. The waiter goes back to the kitchen and explains the man’s odd request. The chef agrees to it, and he and the waiter drop their trousers and have a steaming, groaning dump on a plate. The waiter takes the plate out to the man. Five minutes later, the server returns to the kitchen covered from head to toe in shit. The chef asks, “What in hell’s name happened to you?” The waiter replies, “He said there was a hair in it!” Tim, Ledbury
The facts of life One night, little Johnny walks in on his mum and dad having some hardcore sex. Surprised, he says, “What the heck are you guys doing?” His dad, an understanding bloke replies, “Making you a brother or a sister.” The little boy thinks for a moment then says, “Do it doggy style please, I really want a puppy this christmas!” Craig, via e-mail 014
FOR HIM MAGAZINE 07/09
Joke of the month A close shave An American’s at work when he gets a call from the hospital informing him that his wife’s been in an accident. He rushes to A&E where he's met by the doc. The doctor speaks solemnly. The guy interrupts. Guy: “Doc, don't tell me she’s dead. I can’t take it. I love her.” Doctor: “I do have bad news.” Guy: “Doc, did she make it?” Doctor: “We did all we could. She's in a vegetative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the rest of her life. She can stay here tonight.” The guy slumps, just crushed.
Doctor: “With the right care, which will include you feeding her ﬁve times a day, cleaning her and giving her constant care, she'll live for at least another 30 years." The guy’s in tears. Doctor: “Your insurance doesn’t cover this. I suggest you put your house on the market and buy a mobile home. It should be enough to buy the equipment your wife needs. By then, you should be able to qualify for beneﬁts.” Now the guy’s sobbing. The doctor reaches over and says, “Hey, look at me.” The guy looks up and the doctor smiles and says, “I'm just messing with you, she's dead.” David Allan, via e-mail
From the professionals
This month’s best gags from people paid to be funny
I mean, they don’t grade fathers. But if your daughter’s a stripper, you screwed up.
Wordsmith I was talking to Pete Doherty the other day and he told me, “When it comes to drugs, I’m totally addicted.” I said, “I know, but don’t call me Ted.” Gary Hatcher, Camden
God bless America My neighbours are proper loud and obnoxious a-holes. Now I exactly know how poor Canada must feel. Barry, Inverness
Good dodge A man walked into the vegetable section of his local supermarket and asked for half a head of lettuce. The boy working there told him they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy asked his manager about the matter. The boy said to his manager, “Some tosser outside wants to buy a half-head of lettuce.” As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.” The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager found the boy and said, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation. We admire people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?” “Originally from Essex, sir,” the boy replied. “Why did you leave Essex?” the manager asked. “Sir, there’s nothing but whores and footballers out there.” “Really?” said the manager. “My wife is from Essex.” “No shit!” the boy replied. “Which team does she play for?” Blake, Sevenoaks
They say you can never go home again, well at least that’s what my parents say. I’m adopted, and I’m glad my parents were honest enough to tell me that I’m adopted, but did they have to do it every bloody day?
A nation of one
Baby’s day out
I’ve imagined Chad to be this fenced-off area. When you go in there’s just this white dude in a vest going, “What’s up? It’s me, Chad. Welcome to my African nation. The Play Station’s in the back , you want to grab a Snapple?”
Hardwood floors totally suck when it comes to cheating. When you’re coming back in late, every ancient floorboard seems to go, “Cheeeater, liiiiiar, She looooooves you.” “Shhh, shut the hell up you stupid floor!”
“I have got a little baby and he is two. He doesn’t speak or anything, he’s a slow learner - he says: car and map. I’m really worried if he’s trying to escape or not. If his next word is passport, we are definately in serious trouble!”
From the 1000 best jokes ever TICKET TO RIDE
As the cofﬁn was being lowered into the ground at a trafﬁc warden’s funeral, a voice screamed from inside the box, “I’m not dead! I’m not dead! I’ m really not dead!” To which the vicar shouted back, “Sorry, the paperwork has already been done!”
Explosion at a pie factory in Huddersﬁeld. 3.14159265 dead.
TOP OF THE WORLD
Last night my wife let me go on top. I love bunk beds!
Being from Scotland, I love the summer. It’s my favourite day of the year.
FILE UNDER CLASSIC A lady in a library wants a book on euphemisms. So the librarian took her up the rear aisle and let her have it.
BIRD ON A WIRE I’ve entered my pet eagle in an avian showbiz contest… It’s called India’s Got Talons.
IDLE THUMBS I hate all this terrorist business.
I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag and think, ‘I’ll have that!’
SIMPLE Like most people my age, I’m 27.
GOING UNDER My mate drowned in a half-empty bathtub yesterday… and he was normally so optimistic.
BRAVE NEW WORLD What did Christopher Columbus say to the men before they got on the ship? “Men, get on the ship.” 07/09
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Novaya Zemlya, Russia On October 30, 1961, the Russians detonated the world’s biggest bomb, RDS220 (known to the presumably terriﬁed West as the ‘Tsar bomb’). It created an 8kmwide ﬁreball, a ﬂash of light visible from a distance of 1,000km and broke windows 900km away. The bomb weighed 27 tonnes and the blast yield was 50 megatons – the same as all the explosives used in World War II combined.
Orenburg Nuclear test, Russia
Pakistan’s nuclear testing
The Vela incident, South Atlantic Boom! Shake, shake, shake the planet – on September 22, 1979, the United States’ Vela satellite picked up a ‘double ﬂash’ in the Southern Atlantic that was consistent with a nuclear bomb. Everyone shrugged their shoulders and claimed “it wasn’t us”. But in 1994 a South African general claimed that it was in fact them, with the help of the Israelis. Slapped wrists and kosher biltong all round.
FOR HIM MAGAZINE 07/09
With India ramping up the stakes, Pakistan got into the nuclear act on May 28, 1998, by announcing that it had conducted ﬁve nuclear tests. The devices tested had yields between the sub-kiloton range and 25kt. Shortly afterwards they took India to the pub and settled their differences over a beer. And then they woke up in the shower and realised it had all been a horrible dream.
North Korea On October 9, 2006, North Korea – the baddies – possibly became the world’s ninth nuclear power after a device was detonated underground near P’unggye-yok. If it was a Lop Nor, China nuke, it was relatively small at 12-15kt (a shade under the Occupying an area of over bomb at Hiroshima), and, 100,000km2, with over weirdly, the stealthy dog2 2,000km of highways, K Lop eaters gave a six-day warning. Nor is the world’s largest Mind you, said notice did stop nuclear test site. And it gets a the West freaking out and bit of use. Since testing began launching a full-scale attack. in 1964, China has conducted an average of one trial every 284 days.
India’s nuclear testing at Pokhran Sure ‘smiling Buddha’ sounds nice, but it wasn’t. It was India’s ﬁrst nuclear detonation on May 18, 1974. The underground test produced a crater reported as being between 47m and 75m wide and 10m deep. After 24 years without testing, India resumed in May 1998.
In 1954 Soviets dropped a 40-kiloton weapon on the Totskoye testing range. Then in order to ‘test’ the “performance of military hardware and soldiers in the event of a nuclear war”, Marshal Georgi Zhukov ordered 600 tanks, 6,000 armoured personnel carriers, 320 planes and 45,000 people to move toward the epicentre in order to stage a mock battle. Cue death, death and more death. Still, at least docs were on hand. Er, no they weren’t. The Ruskies denied medical care, falsiﬁed records and claimed the test never took place.
Combat sites Hiroshima and Nagasaki, Japan This was not a test. On August 6, 1945, the US dropped a 12kt bomb called ‘Little Boy’ on Hiroshima killing 70,000 people. Three days later they dropped ‘Fat Man’ on Nagasaki, killing 40,000 instantly. The two nukes were dropped by the US as part of the Potsdam declaration – a UK/US diktat telling the Japanese empire to surrender or face “the inevitable and complete destruction of the Japanese armed forces and, just as inevitably, the utter devastation of the Japanese homeland”. No kidding.
Nevada, USA This desert was peppered with around 1,000 blasts between 1951 and 1992, and in the early days Uncle Sam was fond of experimenting. Project Plowshare, for example, attempted to use nuclear explosives to slash the time it took to dig a hole in the construction industry. The initial device was placed 635ft underground, and left a crater 1,280ft wide and 320ft deep – way bigger than required. The programme was closed in 1977 – party because it cost $700m, and partly because it was daft.
WHERE IN THE WORLD?
Trinity, New Mexico The ﬁrst nuclear explosion was conducted here on July 16, 1945, and it saw every living thing within a mile of the blast obliterated. Realising the power of his invention, bomb creator J Robert Oppenheimer aptly opined: “Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
FHM charts all the nuclear detonations since 1945
Bikini atoll, Marshall Islands, South Paciﬁc In February 1946, 146 atollians were forced off their islands so the Yanks could carry out nuclear tests. Some of them never returned home, mainly because they didn’t have one. One of the atolls was totally vaporised, disappearing into a gigantic mushroom cloud that spread out 100 miles wide, while Enewetak atoll suffered 42 atmospheric explosions.
Christmas Islands, South Paciﬁc Britain’s too small for us to test nukes at home, so between 1957 and 1958 the Christmas Islands in the Paciﬁc got lucky with six test detonations ranging from 1kt, to 3 megatons. The US has also bombed the decidedly un-festive islands 24 times. Despite this, a survey in 1975 found contamination levels were no higher than in most US cities.
a e n USA USSR Franc Chin akista P
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K A E R B L A E R T I FHM hangs out with a crew of sweaty breakdancers to know how they break in style. WORDS: REZA NOORANI, ILLUSTRATOR: AJAY PARADKAR
Starting in the early seventies in back alleys and parking lots of America, B-boying or break dancing has sure taken a long time to come to India, but it is finally in. The Arts in motion studio at Sion, Mumbai is the only one currently that teaches breaking to a packed class of some young and some not-so-young people. There’s a heady mix of teenagers dressed all “gangsta” with skull caps, big shiny silver medallions, trucker hats and old school kicks doing some complex looking but stylish moves. As FHM settles down in the far corner of the studio eyeing all the sweaty but hot college girls learning their b-girling (female for b-boying!) we realised the just how bloody sexy the moves are! The dance form is 018
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very provocative; a total show-off you can say, but in a nice way! If you see it in motion, it is a bunch of people dressed all gangsta standing in a circle listening to the beats. One little “brotha” (FHM went all ghetto for this one) comes clapping in between the circle biting his lower lip in full steam, giving the “eye” and does something weird with his feet like how gary coleman did, skipping left and right. They call it toprock, we later came to know. He then falls fast towards the floor and starts humping the ground in a frenzied motion like fish do when out of water! A couple of seconds in it, the “botha” turns left and humps the damn ground sideways! A few tricks here and there and after that the unbelievable; this little half a
penny dude lays on the floor, plops up balancing on his head, does something weird with his hands and before you know it he is right there, standing upright in a weird but astonishingly cool move! You just have see it to believe it and when you do, you can’t help but give it up to the little fella! What we also noticed was that there needs to be an underlying style to breaking which our Indian brothers lack a little bit. Reason being, we are so besotted by the bollywood pelvic thrusts that our sense of style is screwed up beyond measures! To break with style you need to get rid of the silly bollywood moves, keep your mind free, listen to the beats and let all the cool humping begin!
Toprock: This is ﬂashy footwork. Remember little African kids in the ﬁfties tapdancing to ‘Bimbo’ by Jim Reeves? Something like that. The steps include; basic top rock, Indian step, uprock and side step. All these are a string of complex spins, foot shufﬂes, turns, and other intensively creative movements. Toprock is more like a battle really, only difference being; you ain’t really ﬁghting homeboy, you is top rocking!
Power moves: These are crazy gravity defying gymnast type moves which make you think, how in thell these guys don’t puke while they spin! I mean, once when I spun my little cousin all fast on a chair, the little guy puked like a fountain! Anyway, the moves include 1990; a rapidly spinning onehanded handstand, the 2000; a fast-spinning two handed handstand & suicide; understandably the most painful looking move of all! There’s obviously no break without the music. The kind of music you can break on varies from electro, R&B, jazz, disco, funk and even rock! Whatever the music, there needs to be a proper rhythm going with some good, pumping beats at around 110 to 140 beats per minute. Best tracks to break are: It’s Like That - Run DMC - Clear ● Freestyle - The Party Has ●
Downrock: Downrock is when you is go down on your hands and do weird ass cartwheels with your feet! Jokes apart, this series of moves is absolutely gravity defying. Remember the way borat dances, with the ‘squatting to shit’ posture with his hands folded doing the bunny hopping cartwheel thing? It is some thing similar to that. The various steps include 2 step, 3 step, 4 step, 5 step, 6 step and the helicopter! (hahaa)
Just Begun ● Freestyle - Don’t Stop The Rock ● Smoke weed every daySnoop dogg ● Jamie Jupitor (Egyptian Lover) - Computer Power ● Grand Master Flash Scorpio ● Planet Patrol - Play At Your Own Risk ● Newcleus - Jam On It ● Pretty Tony - Jam The Box ● Twilight 22 - Electric Kingdom ● World Class Wreckin’ Cru - Juice
Freezes: A freeze is when the break dancer freezes his entire body for a second or two in a very interesting position. Some of the freeze positions are so interestingly weird that you may just start looking for the bboy’s fallen nuts! Combine the freezes with a wild spin and you have something quite interesting going on. Various freezes include planche, baby freeze, airchair and a pike! One freeze is equal to 30 bloody push ups!
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this back 1Why’s in the news?
Woolly mammoths. Yup, you read it right. The hairy giant may have been extinct for around 5,000 years, but the brains at Penn State University’s Mammoth Genome Project are boasting that they’ve pieced together the ﬁrst ever complete genomewide sequence of any longdead animal.
I can bring back Bruno?
Sure can. Edgar and Nina Otto shelled out $155,000 to have a bitch impregnated with an egg containing their dead dog Lancelot’s DNA. Lo: in January Lancelot Encore was born. “He looks just like him,” gushed Nina, before Edgar piped up, “We’ve gotten some negative feedback on the price. But we feel he’s worth it.” Agree? Bestfriendsagain.com has one slot left. Price: $180,000…
I beg your pardon?
By extracting information from the preserved hairs of a 20,000-year-old mammoth preserved in the Siberian permafrost, CSI-style, the researchers have managed to piece together a chain of over 4 billion DNA bases. Project leader Professor Stephan C Schuster believes his team’s research is “100 times more extensive than other published datasets for an extinct species” and claims it may “one day help researchers to bring the woolly mammoth back to life”. 020
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Say hello to Me 2.0…
Woah there, Rico Dredd. The embryos only survived a few days. But last year US scientists cloned the embryo of a monkey. A breakthrough Professor Alison Murdoch of the North-East England Stem Cell Institute says is “evidence that nuclear reprogramming is feasible in primates”. That said, cloning to create a human baby has been illegal since 2001, so for now you’ll have to make do with resurrecting your pet pooch.
What about humans?
No doppelgängers yet, but Kentucky-based fertility doctor Panos Zavos says they could roam among us very soon. The controversial Cypriot medic boasted he’d created two “potentially viable” human embryos from dead people in 2004. He hadn’t, but his claim sparked a lot of research, and in 2005 a team from Newcastle University cloned Britain’s ﬁrst human embryos.
Screw sheep, science guys could soon create decent beasts
That’s a crock of utter bullshit
Our reaction, too, but it could technically be possible. All you need is a genome code (got) and the egg of a suitable surrogate species to host the embryo. And in the woolly mammoth’s case such an animal exists in the form of the African elephant. The species genetically split from the mammoth six million years ago but still maintains a similar genetic coding, making embryo-hosting feasible.
Welcome to Jurassic Park…
Not quite. Although DNA recipes are being cooked up for a number of cool but When can we resurrect them? currently extinct species – the sabre-toothed tiger, the Not today, not tomorrow, but Neanderthal man, the Irish elk, certainly during our lifetime. the moa, the woolly rhinoceros, Akira Iritani the chairman of the ground sloth and the dodo, the Mammoth Creation Project to name but a few – dinosaurs at Kinki University in Japan will not be making a return. reckons his team can “produce a Even in ideal conditions, like creature that is 88% mammoth ice, genetic information can’t within 50 years”. survive a million years.
Filmmaker Onir invites you to join a unique social networking based filmmaking movement... While most of us while away our time on Facebook updating status messages and checking photo albums of friends of friends, ﬁlmmaker Onir Anirban has emerged as the ﬁrst ﬁlmmaker to utilise the power of social networking as a tool for creating cinema with a difference. Onir received critical acclaim across the world for his sensitive and heartfelt cinema and shed light on the issues that are rarely, if ever, dealt with in Indian mainstream cinema. And now, with his next project, a series of ﬁve sensitive short ﬁlms revolving around darker side of social issues like child abuse and nexus between the cops and male sex workers, Onir is charting a new course in ﬁlmmaking. “My friend and partner in Anticlock Films, Sanjay Suri has been the driving force behind this initiative,” Onir explains. “I have a few projects lined up with corporate houses that I have been working with for the past two projects. When the thought of making these ﬁve short ﬁlms came to us, we knew that these subjects were controversial and the established mainstream ﬁlm production houses would have some reservations in backing these. So, instead of approaching them, Sanjay came up with this thought of using social networking to involve people from non-ﬁlmmaking background in the process. Four years ago, when we made My Brother Nikhil, we had pooled in the money from friends and
family. And we had succeeded. So, this time Sanjay and I decided to take the next step and go beyond the immediate circle of people we knew.” The result was a unique initiative where Onir has offered ownership of the ﬁlms to be made to people from across the globe. While Onir was hopeful about the response the initiative will generate, he was surprised and overwhelmed with the support that the ﬁlms have got. People from all over the world have come forward with open arms to support the initiative. “There are so many people who want to be a part of the ﬁlmmaking project. With these short ﬁlms, I have made ﬁlmmaking accessible to these people. You do not need to invest crores of rupees to own a ﬁlm now. Through this initiative, you can become the owner with as little as a thousand rupees and get your name in the credit list. If you invest above a lakh of rupees, you actually become a partner and get a share in proﬁts the ﬁlm will make. But it is not just ﬁlmmaking that has excited people. This is meaningful cinema. The stories I have selected had a power to move me, disturb me. I believed that these stories need to be told. In a sense, these are personal and intimate stories. Not just to me, but also to those who have come forward with their help. Abhimanyu revolves around child abuse. When I started the ﬁlm, I was aware of the statistics that one in every
Rs 5,000 to Rs 25,000 Acknowledgements in the end credits(Treated as donation/ pledge/feel good gesture) Rs 25,000 to Rs 100,000 Return of your contribution at the time of the ﬁnal ﬁlm release and acknowledgement in the end credits Rs 100,000 to Rs 15,00,000 – Acknowledgements in the beginning titles of the ﬁlm and proportionate share in the proﬁts. Cheques to be made for Anticlock Films Pvt. Ltd. and sent to: Anticlock Films, Bungalow No. 181, Parikh Bungalow, First Floor, Aram Nagar II, J P Road, Andheri (W), Mumbai - 400061 India. For any queries: drop an email to abhimanyu.anticlockﬁlms@ gmail.com or call Amar: 9833748111 FHM
The Films Abhimanyu deals with the story of a survivor of sex abuse. Omar, the next one is about the nexus between the police and male sex workers to entrap gay men. Afia is about a girl working in an NGO who discovers how deep the corruption in the system is. Onir is still developing the 4th and 5th stories called Megha and Rudra, respectively. So what’s the Deal ? Well the deal is simple and here’s the break up
WORDS: TUSHAR A AMIN
The bigger picture
ﬁve male children and one in every three girl child goes through some sort of child abuse. However, I was in Bangalore recently and one NGO activist told me that according to recent data, almost 63 per cent of children experience some sort of sexual abuse. That is a huge number. And most often, the abuse is at the hands of elder cousins who are just teenagers and experimenting with porn. They see these things and then the younger siblings become victim of their experimentation. It is shocking but people need to face these facts. The ﬁve stories we have chosen revolve around the central theme of fear – be it fear of society or fear of family or fear of unfair system...” Onir explains. So, here is your chance to be a part of a movement. All you need is a thousand rupees and a desire to be a part of something bigger than an individual self. If you want to become a part of this initiative, all you need to do is log on to iamabhimanyu.blogspot.com and decide as to what extent you can get involved.
Rs 1,000 to Rs 5,000 Acknowledgements on the blog/facebook and DVD Booklet(Treated as donation/ pledge/feel good gesture) 07/09
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M Y WAY O R T H E H I G H WAY
The Indians are coming... Nipping that irritating little parasite called racism in its bud.
he racism row in Australia has been heating up the pages of papers and magazines. It also received attention on TV. I was pleasantly surprised to see that even BBC gave it ample footage. It seems that we will not accept injustice as a people and even Bapu would have been proud of the way we fought against injustice. We did not give up, accept it, run away or strike back (barring a couple of incidents that sounded doubtful and lame, even by Aussie media standards) and for ﬁghting the good ﬁght we both are proud Indians today. For once the Government backed its citizens and it seems to be a ﬁght we are winning. We hope many lessons will be taken from this by our youth and our polity. Let’s get a few things straight. There is no excuse for racism! NONE. No matter how many jobs we take, no matter how ‘brown’ we are and no 022
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matter how ﬂashy our gizmos happen to be. Racist behaviour is boorish and intolerant. I hope you all agree. If you do not then go to another page. If you do agree, read on. An English newspaper has been running a campaign about racism in India with great effect. I’ve been following the articles and confess that they ring true. As early as I can remember the word ‘chinky’ has been throw at people from the North East. If I was in their place it would drive me to fury. There is no cause for that language. How about the terms for minorities? Why stop at minorities. We treat our women terribly too. We insult overweight people, we laugh at people with physical disabilities and if you look deep down inside you will realize with horror how true ALL the above statements are. Is this what we have become? Is this the future of our nation? A country where the majority is obnoxious,
boorish, ill mannered and insensitive? For Gods sake please stop spewing and start reﬂecting. Do what you can to stop this poison from spreading cause every time you hear these terms and words and stay quiet you are allowing it to grow. We stop it. Any where and anytime we hear rubbish like this we nip it in the bud. At a combined weight of over 200 kg you may say it is easier for us and I would agree but a 200 kg combined weight can be easily reached with 3 or 4 people too. Let’s realize that India is one. We are free to go where we like without harassment. And that includes you, and every Mallu, madrassi, gujjju, mullah, chinky, bahadur, chamar, bhangi, bhikari, madrasi, bhaiya, mota, langda, andha, tota, chikni, sexy, and any other idiotic word you can think of. We belong to at least 2 of the above categories (each). Without exception we have demanded an apology and
mostly got one. When it has not been tended it has been taken with a little persuasion, but we have never allowed it to pass. Neither should you. We spent almost 4 weeks traveling all over the NE India. Keeping our base in Orissa. We covered all states except Manipur. We were advised not to go there for reasons that I neither accept nor agree with. We were told that because we were not ‘locals’ we would be at risk. Now that too is racism. The fear of being killed or kidnapped if you do not belong is racism. What the ‘SENAS’ are doing in Maharashtra, Karnataka and Orissa is racism too. Bit by bit our country is once again being encouraged to polarize. People give offence without any sort of provocation and people take offense too damn easily. Let us look at what is wrong with ME as an individual. Let us ﬁx it because that is something each one of us can do. Why should I suffer if a few idiots in small pockets across the country want to take and give offence to each other? I am an Indian. Let’s ﬁght the good ﬁght. Thank you for reading ladies, gentlemen, brothers and sisters. Peace and respect. Jai Hind. FHM The authors are Rocky Singh and Mayur Sharma, anchors of Highway On My Plate on NDTV Good Times.
ommunal harmony in India is and has always been a big sweet sounding lie. I mean, when have humans ever been able to exist (forget about living) in peace when divided in different fractions. Even the cavemen fought to bits when it came to territories. Doesn’t history tell us that? Think about the numerous battles fought, and the best we could come up with was United Nations! It’s so frustrating it makes you laugh. Come to think about it, you feel like breaking the pretty done up face of every silicone implanted bimbette who’s gone up there on the stage in beauty pageants and asked for world peace. Why kid around honey? In all fairness, you know you’d rather have another big screen T.V! And, If there is a God who actually does represent at least one of the many million religions then he’d be a scared little omnipotent dude, hiding way up somewhere in the sky. Cause he knows he knows he screwed up. He screwed up big time. One look at our history and you know the social conscience of the past couple of dozen generations including ours has gone to the dogs. How do we know that? There are indicators for stuff like that. Like the millions of refugees living like hunted animals, in a constant fear of death. The homeless people under our city bridges hiding behind blue plastic sheets when it rains. Like the increase in the number of displaced villagers who may have lived a respectable life back home but live like vermin on the city streets begging for food. A large increase in the number of drug addicts and ﬂip outs who’d rather have their brains be fried and remain stoned to the bone than take take in the high pressure bullshit reality doing rounds. With every passing generation we hope that the social conscience changes but for India at least, I feel there may be tough days ahead. Why? Cause we’re riding high on the growth train now. Making a whole lot of cash by privatising businesses, exporting all sorts of goods even human beings. There are Indian labourers sweating it out in the Arabian deserts, living in houses made of tin in the sweltering desert, building castles for the
rich and sending a couple of grand back home, which the government says is a very proﬁtable form of foreign earning! I think the problem begins when a country starts to measure it’s people on the scale of economics. And they said Guru Dutt was being morose for no reason when he wrote “Duniya..”! He was bang on, along with Hunter Thompson and Dylan and the skid-row laureate, Bukowski. They say, when a society screws up, it’s artists and poets are the ones who get togather and revive its conscience. So where are our all knowing artists and poets? Oh, hang on. They’re busy writing loose motion clever sounding lyrics at break neck speeds for item numbers, making their business managers run daily marathons collecting cheques! Where are all our music clubs with a buzz of revolution in the air, coffee stains on the tables and a smell of hemp in the atmosphere? Where are our hobby clubs
around his thick skull when he tells this to their faces, our youth breaks down on camera whining like a dog. Makes me wonder of what material are those excellent strong chains made, which can bind the social conscience of a whole generation so tight, that daylight of freedom escapes our designer bodies! What in sweet heavens name is that opiate on which we are so stoned that we cannot see the mulch we are swirling in! Ever been walking though you city at night? If you have, you might’ve seen the endless queues of homeless people, mangy dogs (even they are starting to evolve into thin hyena like creatures), mountains of wet slimy ﬁlth and rats the size of cannon balls. It shakes your reality to the ground. And every morning as the sunlight sweeps away the night reality, a day reality comes into place for a few light hours, where all of it cannot be seen. Will we conbtinue living the remainder of our precious lives this way? Think about it, cause we live only once... FHM
PICTURE COURTESY: NIGEL JAIRAJ
eneration. on the death of a g
where people discover the talents they posses and continue building up on them? I think, having a hobby connects people to their inner selves which does have a conscience. It’s honest cause we’re doing it for ourselves. Where are our book appreciation societies? Where is art for the masses, without all the wine and cheese and fake glamour bullshit? Where are our songs? Where are the parks and what in the hell happened to our song birds? All you see around are just crows these days. Instead of starting a movement, our young people plunder and rape in long ques of reality shows wanting to become the next roadie. And when they get in after a 10 hour wait, they’re told they are not real enough. They are not the all knowing, uber cool, original badasses. Instead of whacking the bald dude right
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Reviews Your leisure time – rated and sorted
Terminator Salvation FHM weighs up this month’s Arnie-less fourth cyborg instalment Terminator Salvation Who: Christian Bale (growly), Sam Worthington (metally), Anton Yelchin (diddy), Moon Bloodgood (sexy) What’s it about? It’s 2018, shortly after the nuclear holocaust in T3, and Terminators in various incarnations – some looking like Arnold Schwarzenegger’s 026
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T-800, others looking like motorbikes or eels – rule. Their goal? To obliterate humanity. Enter John Connor (Bale), whose ‘Resistance’ takes these mechanoids on. But there’s one problem: a wandering Death Row inmate, Marcus Wright (Worthington), thinks he might be a prototype for the ﬁrst Terminator. The twist: Terminator-hater Connor and potential T-600 Marcus must save a young Kyle Reese (who boffed Connor’s mum in the original, played by Anton Yelchin). Otherwise, Connor’s mum will die, John won’t be born, Marcus won’t ﬁnd out if his willy’s robotic and The Machines will prevail.
Why we’re excited: ‘Batman’ Bale’s in the lead. Director McG (that’s his name) told FHM on set at New Mexico’s Kirtland Air Force Base that T4 is thematically similar to futuredoomed corkers Children Of Men, Star Wars, Mad Max 2, and Pulitzer Prize-winning book The Road. Paul Haggis (Casino Royale) and Jonathan Nolan (The Dark Knight) also ﬁne-tuned the script. Arnie approved his likeness so we’ll see the genesis of the T-800. Plus, the resistance ﬁghter Moon Bloodgood is crazy-hot. Why we’re concerned: McG has never made a sci-ﬁ
ﬁlm (see those two Charlie’s Angels turkeys). And having ﬁve different kinds of Terminators undermines original director James Cameron’s awesomely terrifying sci-ﬁ horror vision of a robotic assassin clandestinely moving amongst us. British luvvie Helena Bonham Carter playing the main baddie? Hmm. But our main gripe? The reintroduction of Kyle Reese, which resurrects the question: how can someone who’s younger than you – that you sent back from the future – sleep with your mum to become your father? Let’s hope this movie explains.
He’s the new, old Terminator. No, wait…
Battle Royal The ﬁnal stand-off in Terminator Salvation takes place at SkyNet.
Q+A Who: Marcus Wright, a Death Row ‘survivor’turned-Terminator who doesn’t know who he is or what he wants.
Sharing towels led to a ‘pinkeye’ outbreak in the Terminator camp
Does your Terminator feel pain? He can soak up an incredible amount. He’s human ﬁrst, robot second, but the difference is that he can’t die because he’s a machine. And that becomes his curse. In a sense, he’s like Frankenstein’s monster. Are you aware that Jim Cameron recommended you for this film? McG wanted to know if I
was a pain in the arse. And Jim said I was but “in a good way”. I then asked for Jim’s blessing. If Jim had said he thought the movie was going to be crap based on his conversation with McG, I would never have agreed to make this. But you must be nervous about pissing over a great franchise… I deﬁnitely don’t want to f##k it up! So I hound McG constantly with questions. Plus you read all these reports saying things like, “Why is there another one when we’ve got The Sarah Connor Chronicles?” So our goal
is to make a popcorn movie that addresses bigger questions about the fate of humanity. Do you accept the movies are full of such gaping plot holes about timetravel that you could drive buses through them? In this movie, we’re at the point where time-travel is on the verge of being invented. But even if I gave you Jim Cameron’s phone number, he wouldn’t be able to explain the linearity of the four ﬁlms. Besides, the future changes whenever you go back in time. That’s
why we say in this instalment, “The future is not set. That still doesn’t cover it… Okay, it’s a bit of an excuse. Actually, I don’t remember much about the original ﬁlms apart from the one with the iquid man. I can’t even remember yesterday, to be honest.
Eye candy ain’t never been so deadly Who: Blair Williams, hardas-nails female Resistance ﬁghter who falls for Worthington’s half-Terminator. Which is akin to one of us shagging a Transformer toy.
Skin deep The ﬁrst incarnation of Terminators, the T-600s, are 8ft-tall, mini-gun-toting assassins with unconvincing rubbery skin.
Do you get to ﬁre any cool guns? I did. My character has a Desert Eagle, which is a largebore, gas-operated semiautomatic pistol. I also got to shoot everything from a
shotgun to an M16. Am I good with weapons? Every actor thinks they are, but I reckon I look pretty credible in the ﬁlm. I had extensive training in how to ﬁre them and I worked with a pilot so I looked believable when I ﬂy a light aircraft. But the guns? The guns I loved! Had you seen all three Terminator movies before you signed on? The moment we were hired,
McG sat me down and made me watch them all. But even years ago, I remember seeing Linda Hamilton go from a reluctant innocent in the ﬁrst movie to being a hard-edged bad-ass in the second one. So I did train every day to get toned, but Hamilton and her Sarah Connor character was its own thing. I’m not trying to be Linda Hamilton. With biceps these big, I just didn’t have enough time in the gym! 07/09
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The best ﬁlms out in June
“…And then Bale turns into a frog.” “Er, sir, I think that’s Harry Potter”
Te l s t a r
Who? Con O’Neill (genius), Kevin Spacey (militant) What’s it about? Joe Meek , a ’60s record producer who went insane. It starts as a Brit comedy but descends into darker territory. O’Neill is terrifying and pitiful. Movie bore: Ralph Little’s character, Chas Hodges, went on to form Chas & Dave. *****
The big man behind Terminator Salvation Who: Director, fast-talker, Christian Bale-appeaser, potential director of Terminator 5 and 6.
Are you worried about not having Arnie as the main Terminator? Arnold gave me great advice on the way his Terminator T-800 might move compared to earlier or later versions. Because a 2009 Mercedes Benz doesn’t operate like a 1972 Mercedes Benz. It’s similar with Terminators.
Are you worried T4 may stink as bad as T3? I spent a ton of time with Oscarwinner Paul Haggis on the script, our visual effects guy, Charlie Gibson, won two Oscars and worked on the Pirates Of The Caribbean ﬁlms and we’re inﬂuenced by great ﬁlms like Mad Max and Alien. We also have Bale, the ﬁnest actor of his generation. But can it all go wrong? You never know.
detector. I don’t want to be the director who ﬂogged a dead horse.
You don’t sound very confident… You have to remain philosophical, surround yourself with people who have great technical ability and then push them to ensure they deliver. I don’t want to end up with Matrix Revolutions. I’ve speciﬁcally made a movie with twists, as well as being conscious of the audience’s bullshit
But you’ve signed on to make two sequels with Bale so this film can’t be cack, right? Bale’s signed on and so am I. We’ve got the plot for the next two ﬁlms mapped out. My goal is ensuring this is this summer’s most exciting ﬁlm. My brother died recently and I realise it is important to focus on the present.
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Did Jim Cameron offer to help out? He suggested hiring Sam Worthington who was working with him on an upcoming sci-ﬁ ﬁlm called Avatar. I also got an e-mail from Russell Crowe saying the same thing. And they were right. Sam’s a bricklayer from Australia who looks like you could hit him on the head with a shovel and he would shake it off. That’s who should play the Terminator. Too many of today’s young male actors are pussies. Sam however is a fundamentally tough guy.
The Last House On The Left
Who? Garret Dillahunt (baddy), Riki Lindhorne (baddy), Sara Paxton (goody), Tony (baddy?) What’s it about? Criminals kidnap and rape two girls. Leaving them for dead, they invade a couple’s home who happen to be the parents of one of the girls. When mum ﬁnds Mari half dead, they serve the baddies whoop-ass. Movie bore: This is a remake of a 1972 video nasty. *****
Who? Bradley Cooper (brash), Zach Galiﬁanakis (beardy) What’s it about? Todd comes at what appears to be a stag-do-inVegas-goes-tits-up comedy. But some sequences make this a riot. Movie bore: Galiﬁanakis is the star of a series of spoof interviews called Between Two Ferns. *****
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07.09 Icon A5 - The ﬂying car
Hardware T he w orld’s coolest shiny s tu ff
Like most speed-record competitors, once it gets going there’s only one way to stop this machine – a parachute, deployed by a button in the cockpit.
The Greenbird stays fast and on terra ﬁrma thanks to a horizontal wing that transfers up to one ton of force into the ground in a manner akin to an F1 car.
Carbon dater Meet ëGreenbirdí, the 126mph windpowered eco warrior hellbent on making fossil fuels redundant
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The Greenbird ice craft
Long and short of it The land craft’s sail is much thinner than its sister ice craft’s, which gives it a higher top speed but poorer acceleration. The ice craft will attempt the record on a smaller area with less traction, so it has a lower, bigger, fatter sail to increase acceleration.
Tight squeeze The cockpit’s cramped to say the least. Jenkins has to lie almost horizontally behind the hydraulic steering system. Still, on the plus side, at least it’s safe. “Unlike some of my earlier prototypes,” laughs the loon.
Power Wind Top speed 126mph 0-60mph 30 secs (approx) Weight 500kg (manned) Length 10m Cost £450,000 (approx)
t’s thin, it’s fast, it kicked American ass – Greenbird, Greenbird. With a clocked speed of 126.1mph – smashing the previous US-set record of 116mph – this machine is ofﬁcially the fastest wind-powered machine ever. And it was built in Britain. All good, but what’s the point and how the hell does it work? The point is fossil fuels are killing the world and are going to run out, so all cars will need to be powered by other means. The carbon composite plane/boat/F1 car works by optimising wind ﬂow – using its vertical sail to force it forward in the same way a plane uses airﬂow over its wings to push it upwards. And once moving, its stickthin-with-one-arm design maximises lift and minimises drag to propel it at threeto-ﬁve times the speed of the actual wind powering it. “I began this project in 1999,” says driver/inventor Richard Jenkins. “And now, after ten years, ﬁve prototype vehicles, three continents, hundreds of miles walked [Richard initially tested his designs alone, so if a tyre went ﬂat, or a part broke he had to hike back to base] and thousands of man hours, I’ve done it.” Time for a rest? “No way,” laughs the mechanical engineer whose research has been part-funded by UK-based ‘green’ electricity company Ecotricity. “Now we move on to Greenbird’s brother and try and break the wind-powered ice speed record.” A mark he intends to shatter this winter. greenbird.co.uk 07/09
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Grand rides Presenting the world’s best vintage cars (and one Indian car that almost makes the cut)... WORDS: TUSHAR A AMIN
1962 Maserati 3500
The Maserati 3500 was its way of capitalising on the Grand Tourismo market. The prototype was introduced in 1957. By 1962, most features that were additional, were incorporated in standard model and the 3500 served as further template for other Maserati products like 3500 Gti, the ﬁrst Italian car with fuel injection.
1967 Ford Mustang
Remember Nicholas Cage’s object of desire in Gone In 60 Seconds? The 1967 Mustang has that effect on most car lovers. The ultimate muscle car, it stands for raw power and unadulterated charisma. Ford gave its Mustang brand bigger dimensions for the big block engine. The result a beauty with a beast’s power. 032
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1927 Ford Model T
Designed as the ﬁrst People’s Car over a century ago, the Ford Model T was aimed at putting every American in the driver’s seat. Almost 82 years later, there is no other vintage car that spells style and legacy the way Model T does. Over the next two decades, Ford upgraded the Model T ﬁnally resulting in the 1927 Ford Model T, one of the most sought after vintage car in the world. Despite it’s two-gears, Model T was voted the Car of the Century way back in 1999 despite competition from such formidable quarters as VW Beetle, the Mini and the Porche 911.
V I N TA G E
1969 Camaro SS
From classic muscle to classic sports, Chevrolet was on a roll in 1969. Giving the Corvette Sting Ray company was the introduction of Camaro. With its sporty yet aggressive looks and a 427 cc engine instead of the usual 400 cc ones, the 1969 Camaro SS emerged as one of the meanest, most powerful machine of the time.
1964 Porsche 911
Porsche 911, the staple of any world’s best classic cars lists, was designed more as a replacement for the smaller Porsche 356. On its introduction in 1964, the 911 featured an air-cooled rear mounted engine and a ﬁve speed manual transmission. While the engine was changed to water-cooled in 1998, connoisseurs still prefer the air-cooled version and classic style of this vintage set of wheels.
1967 Ford GT40
The Ford GT40 was a veritable powerhouse and was designed as a racing car to compete with Ferrari when Ford’s efforts to buy Ferrari were snubbed in 1963. Ford launched various versions of the car with various engine sizes. But since these cars were designed speciﬁcally for Grand Toursimo races, the Ford GT40 is one of the most treasured and sought after car among collectors.
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1969 Corvette Sting Ray
A Corvette from the Chevrolet stable is a must have on any ‘Greatest Vintage Cars’ listing. A deﬁnitive car when it comes to all-American automotive design of the muscular ‘60s, the 1969 Corvette Sting Ray coupe is considered one of the fastest cars ever. In a word, the Corvette Sting Ray deﬁnes the ultimate cool in cars and has been duly honoured with countless Hollywood appearances as the ultimate vehicle of temptation.
1967 Volkswagen Beetle
This is arguably the most loved and most desired car in the world. The car of choice of the Flower Children, VW Beetle was originally named just VW Type 1. It was with 1967 that VW formally accepted the popular nicknames the Beetle and the Bug for their very German sounding Type 1. So, ofﬁcially, the 1967 VW Beetle was the ﬁrst Beetle model.
This one is a cherished vintage not only because of its rarity but also because this car was quite ahead of its time. Preston Tucker and Alex Tremulis designed the Tucker as an attempt to break into the automotive industry. However, the 1948 model was the only one to come out of the company’s stables and only a handful of cars were produced.
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V I N TA G E
1953 Aston Martin DB2
The DB2 was originally designed as a coupe but by 1953, Aston Martin introduced a convertible version of this classic car with bigger engine options. In its three years of production, the DB2 made such a mark on the automobile world that it continues to be inspiration for other Aston Martin vehicles both on and off the race track.
In the days when Roadsters were a rage, Cadillac V-16 was the weapon of choice. Roadsters or spyders (two seat cars, without a roof or windows) were the coolest thing to happen to cars. The era culminated with the Cadillac V-16 and the model is still one of the most sought after vintage cars.
Desi Vintage Hindustan Motors Baby Hindustan Ambassador is probably the only Indian car that qualifies for a vintage tag. Love it or hate it, you just cannot escape the old world charm this elephantine ride exudes. Amby is the true-blue Indian car for reason, season and life. Based on the British Series M
Morris, (with very few changes made) Amby continues to be the legacy of British Raj in India. Loved for its spaciousness and old world charm and ridiculed for its reluctance to modernise, Amby has emerged as a symbol of political royalty and bureaucratic blue-blood.
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ONE GIANT LEAP
The making of the moonwatch
he story of how the OMEGA Speedmaster became the Moonwatch – the only wristwatch approved by NASA for all manned space ﬂights – has been re-told often enough that it is sometimes difﬁcult to determine where the history ends and where the myth begins. The true story, without embellishment, is so remarkable that it’s worth a trip back to the 1960s to re-examine how the Speedmaster came to be considered in the ﬁrst place, the nature of the strenuous tests to which it and four other chronographs were subjected and ﬁnally, how it was chosen over its competitors to accompany every manned space ﬂight since the launch of the Gordon Cooper’s Faith 7 mission as part of the Mercury program on May 15th, 1963.
Chosen to compete It all began in the early 1960s when two NASA ofﬁcials anonymously visit several Houston jewellery stores, including Corrigan’s, which at the time was the city’s best-known watch and jewellery retailer. The men from NASA bought a series of chronographs of different brands, charged with the task of ﬁnding the best watch available for their astronauts to wear in space. The solo-ﬂight Mercury space programme was almost completed (in fact, Wally Schirra had worn his own Speedmaster on his Mercury ﬂight on the 3rd of October, 1962) and NASA was preparing for the Gemini (twoman) and Apollo (three-man) missions. There were plans for the astronauts on these missions to move about in space outside the ship. One of their key pieces of equipment would be a wristwatch which could withstand 036
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the difﬁcult conditions of space. Every time an astronaut suspended in the vacuum of space turned his wrist, the watch would suddenly come out of the shade and be exposed to the unﬁltered rays of the sun and temperature increases of more than 100°C. On the moon, President Kennedy’s and NASA’s declared objective, things would be even tougher. Temperatures on the lunar surface ﬂuctuate between -160° and +120°C. A series of strenuous tests was devised to determine which watch was best suited to the extreme challenges of space. NASA ordered two Speedmasters and two each of ﬁve other chronographs for “testing and evaluation purposes” on September 29, 1964 at a price of $82.50 each at the exchange rate of the day – they retailed for CHF 415 in Switzerland. NASA stipulated that it required the watches by October 21, 1964.
The qualification test procedures When NASA received the watches, they were subjected to a series of stringent tests and pre-selection processes called the “Qualiﬁcation Test Procedures”. They can be summarized brieﬂy: The watches will be wound immediately prior to each testing phase.
The ﬁrst manned lunar landing on the 20th of July, 1969 was the greatest, most dramatic scientiﬁc achievement in human history. Neil Armstrong stepped onto the moon’s surface at 02:56 GMT on the 21st of July. Nineteen minutes later he was joined by Buzz Aldrin, who was wearing his OMEGA Speedmaster and a legend was born. An interesting footnote: the electronic timing system on the Lunar Module was not functioning correctly so Armstrong had left his watch aboard as a reliable backup. Two OMEGA Speedmaster Professional Moonwatch Apollo 11 “40th Anniversary” Limited Edition watches celebrate the adventure: one in stainless steel and sterling silver (7,969 pieces); the other in platinum and 18 Ct yellow gold (69 pieces).
The stopwatch (chronograph) feature should be operated during each test and during periods between tests. The stopwatch operation should be recycled immediately before and after each test and, when delays occur, at two- to six-hour intervals between tests. Time accuracy checks should be made before and after each test, at one-hour intervals during testing (when possible) and at two- to six-hour intervals between tests, if testing delays occur. At the start of each time-check period the chronograph should be started and the following data recorded for the start time: Watch
identiﬁcation; Master time (hours, minutes, seconds); Test watch time (hours, minutes, seconds) When accuracy checks are made during a testing period, the chronograph time measurement should not be stopped, but the following should be recorded: Watch identiﬁcation; Master time (hours, minutes, seconds); Test watch time (hours, minutes, seconds); Elapsed stop-watch time (hours, minutes, seconds) In conjunction with each time check, the watches should be inspected for damage to the case, crystal, dial, strap and buttons, and for the presence of moisture underneath the crystal. Any irregularities in the watch’s condition should be noted. A watch should be withdrawn from further testing if the following failures occur: Complete watch operation failure with no restart capability Complete stopwatch operation failure with no re-start capability Two watch operation failures of any type even though re-start capability exists Cracked or broken crystal Broken winding stem or stopwatch controls.
And then there were three Only three watches out of six chronographs successfully survived this arduous preselection phase. The ﬁnalists were then subjected to 11 different tests – the most rigorous trials endured in the history of horology.
The results On March 1, 1965, the test results were complete. Three brands’ chronographs had still been in the running. Of those, one brand’s entry had stumbled on two separate occasions in the relative humidity test. In the course of the heat-resistance test it ﬁnally came to rest for good. The large seconds hand warped and was binding against the other hands. The crystal of the second brand’s chronograph had warped and come away
from the case during the heat test. The same unfortunate occurrence took place with a second model of the same make during the decompression test. Only the OMEGA Speedmaster passed. At the time, NASA’s testers wrote, “Operational and environmental tests of the three selected chronographs have been completed; and, as a result of the test, OMEGA chronographs have been calibrated and issued to three members of the GT-3 (Gemini Titan III) crews.” What sounds like a reserved, sober announcement was, in fact, the ofﬁcial decree that from that time forward, the OMEGA Speedmaster would be the only watch approved for all manned space ﬂights and
would be become an inextricable part of the OMEGA legacy. As signiﬁcant was a NASA communiqué dated March 1st, 1965 which said, “. . . the astronauts show a unanimous preference for the Omega chronograph over the other two brands because of better accuracy, reliability, readability and ease of operation.” An ironic postscript: OMEGA only learned about the Speedmaster’s journey into space after seeing a photograph of Ed White taken during America’s ﬁrst spacewalk as part of the Gemini 4 mission in June of 1965. (Source: NASA documentation and correspondence, 1961-65; Courtesy: Omega)
THE MOST RIGOROUS TRIALS 1. HIGH TEMPERATURE 48 hours at a temperature of 160°F (71°C) followed by 30 minutes at 200°F (93°C). This under a pressure of 5.5 psia (0.35 atm) and relative humidity not exceeding 15%.
shall constitute failure to pass this test. The ambient temperature shall be maintained at 160°F (71°C).
2. LOW TEMPERATURE
Six shocks of 40 Gs, each 11 milliseconds in duration, in six different directions.
Four hours at a temperature of 0°F (-18°C).
The equipment shall be accelerated linearly from 1 G to 7.25 Gs within 333 seconds, along an axis parallel to the longitudinal spacecraft axis.
Chamber pressure maximum of 1.47 x 10-5 psia (10-6 atm) with temperature raised to 160°F (71°C). The temperature shall then be lowered to 0°F (-18°C) in 45 minutes and raised again to 160°F in 45 minutes. Fifteen more such cycles shall be completed.
8. DECOMPRESSION Ninety minutes in a vacuum of 1.47 x 10-5 (10-6 atm) at a temperature of 160°F (71°C) and 30 minutes at 200°F (93°C).
4. RELATIVE HUMIDITY
9. HIGH PRESSURE
A total time of 240 hours at temperatures varying between 68°F and 160°F (20°C and 71°C) in a relative humidity of at least 95%. The steam used must have a pH value between 6.5 and 7.5.
The equipment to be subjected to a pressure of 23.5 psia (1.6 atm) for a minimum period of one hour.
5. OXYGEN ATMOSPHERE The test item shall be placed in an atmosphere of 100% oxygen at a pressure of 5.5 psia (0.35 atm) for 48 hours. Performance outside of speciﬁcation, tolerance, visible burning, creation of toxic gases, obnoxious odours, or deterioration of seals or lubricants
10. VIBRATION Three cycles of 30 minutes (lateral, horizontal, vertical), the frequency of varying from 5 to 2,000 cps and back to 5 cps in 15 minutes. Average acceleration per impulse must be at least 8.8 Gs.
11. ACOUSTIC NOISE 130 db over a frequency range of 40 to 10,000 Hz, duration 30 minutes. 07/09
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The ultimate ‘chilled-out chick’ Neha Dhupia trashes engagement rumors and tells it like it is. Read on as she weaves a bohemian rhapsody, tickles our fancy and makes us fall head over heel for her...
here is something about Neha. Her ‘sexy’ness is not just for the camera. Some Bollywood actresses have this amazing ability to max the oomph factor as soon as the lights are flicked on. Some try hard to get there and fail. With Neha, ‘sexy’ness is a fact. She is sexy. Period. On camera, off camera, does not make a difference. It’s difficult to attribute her beauty and allure to any one aspect of her physicality... She has gorgeous hair, sure. One of the prettiest faces in the country, check. A body to die for, dead right! A dazzling smile, bewitching eyes... all check. But it is something beyond all this that makes her sexy. It is an attitude of being what she is... no pretense, no fakeness, no putons... As she herself puts it, she is a “chilled-out chick”. Just the kind of girl we love and respect... Here we try to unravel the enigma surrounding this dazzling girl who has taken the highs with the lows but has the courage to move on and set things right...
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CORSETTE: BODY BASICS, BOMBAY
C O V E R S T O RY
WORDS: TUSHAR A AMIN PHOTOGRAPHS: VIKRAM BAWA STYLIST: SOHAYA MISRA (CHOLA) MAKE-UP: OJAS RAJANI HAIR: KAUSHALYA D’SOUZA
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First off, what’s all this talk of engagement and stuff? You seriously breaking our hearts! What rubbish! It’s all hogwash! I have not announced any engagement or any such stuff... At this point, I am not even sure if I believe in the institution of marriage... And come on, I won’t play hearts... Phew! But honestly Neha, how did a non-filmy girl land up in Bollywood? To be very honest, my dream or ambition of being in ﬁlms is a complete wipe-out. I don’t remember that at any point in my growingup years, I wanted to be a part of Indian cinema or stuff like that. But, it was exciting as one thing led to another and it just happened. I was modelling when the forms for Miss India came out and I said, what the heck, let me ﬁll it up... So, was modelling always on the agenda? No, I was doing theater in Delhi. I was playing the lead role in this play called Grafﬁti that was directed by Roshan Abbas and choreographed by Shiamak Davar. Somebody saw me on stage and said, let me take a photograph of you. He thought I would do well as a model. I was like, I am not really sure. But he pursued me to do it. This gentleman also ran a modelling agency and I got my ﬁrst job. It was a music video directed by Pradip Sircar for Indi-rock band Euphoria. I was 15-16 at the time and they were like, we are going to shoot in Mauritius. So, it was my ﬁrst foreign trip alone. I was like, yeah! I was going to Mauritius and I was with this rock band. I was very young and and I used to listen to music and party all night. So, I thought, wow, I get to spend so many days with a rock band, spend some time with these cool guys and I get to be on TV. I thought it would be so cool. My friends would see me and they would be so proud of me. More than anything else, they were paying me and I was like, why are they paying me! Because, at 15-16, this is all a youngster wants. I was like this is all so cool. By the end of the video shoot, I was bitten by the ﬁlm bug. So, then I did my Miss India. But even after Miss India, there was no sort of real ambition to do act. But then I got a few offers and out of them, Qayamat, I thought, was the one I should pick up. I am still proud that I chose to debut with Qayamat and from then on I’ve been doing movies... some good, some bad, some great, some shit... but everything’s been part of the 040
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CORSETTE: BODY BASICS BOMBAY, TROUSERS: NEHA’S OWN
C O V E R S T O RY
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BLACK FLORAL TOP AND BLACK TOP: BODY BASICS, BOMBAY; BLACK SKIRT AND BLACK TROUSERS: LOVE JEANS; WATCHES: TAG HEUER MONACO DIAMONDS (BLACK SQUARE DIAL) AND TAG HEUER LADY LINK CHRONOGRAPH DIAMONDS (WHITE MOP DIAL WITH STEEL STRAP)
What engagement?! At this point in life, I am not even sure if I believe in the institution called marriage.
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CO TO C OVVEERRS S T ROYR Y
journey that has brought me here today. There are no regrets, but ya, lots of wrong decisions and some great decisions... So there was no childhood dream or stuff... How were you as a kid? I was a complete brat. Honestly, being the youngest in the family, you don’t have any choice. You are just overwhelmed by the amount of affection being showered on you. I have an elder brother. He is just ten months elder to me, so we are almost like twins. He is in Dubai but we are really close. He is a little quieter than me, so I was the one who’s been fussy and a little brash. When it came to studies, I was the one to study at the eleventh-hour types... I just used to listen to what the teachers said in the class and never went home and did the homework... Were you one of those irritating kids who don’t study and yet get good grades? Ya, I am one of those strange ones. I cannot shy away from that. But I was very sporty, very very athletic, I used to play all sports but never at a professional level. That’s my biggest regret. If I ever sat and thought, what I would like to be if not an actor, it would have to be an athlete. I would love to represent the country, play tennis or swim. Being from a defence background, there must have been a lot of moving around? My dad was in the Navy. I was born and raised in Kerala. From there we moved to Vishakapattanam and then to Delhi. From Delhi I moved to Mumbai. That was the ﬁrst time I lived on my own. Your folks were cool with that? Absolutely. My parents have never been overbearing. Even when I joined ﬁlms, my mother would never land on the sets with me... My dad always had faith in me that I had my head screwed tightly on my shoulders and whatever decisions I took, it would be the best for me given the time and the circumstances that I am in. He had immense faith in what I did. But the best part is that they let me go... My parents realised that after a point I needed my independence. They let me go. The fact is that the faith they put in me makes me want to go back to them even more. It’s just amazing how close the four of us are... knock on wood. The person that I am today is because of my 07/09
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family and the values it instilled in me. Sometimes, I see myself as a a sort of a little bit of misﬁt in the fraternity. I have immense respect for people. That comes from being from a fauji background. A lot of times, I get too concerned about people. Other people’s problem become my problem and that is something that worries me. Because I take too much stress on my self and I am not happy with that... What’s with girls from defense background and films... We have Aishwarya Rai, Sushmita Sen, Lara Dutta, Gul Panag, Minissha Lamba... I guess, it’s a certain amount of discipline and certain amount of drive that we all have. A lot of exposure makes us very conﬁdent and we study in really smart schools. We go through the grind and that makes us good...
Hey, didn’t they do a behind-thescenes sorta reality show the year you won? They called it Beauty Queens and Bitches and I had no idea they were shooting it. I don’t want to be sitting there in ten or ﬁfteen years from now when people don’t want to listen to me and look back and tell myself, when I had a voice, why I wasn’t saying what I wanted to say. I am brutally honest about the way I feel. It’s not that I have angst about everything I say and do. There are things that give me pleasure and things that give me displeasure. If I am not happy with something, I will say it. And why not?! It’s like, now when I look back at my school days and look at how stressed out I used to be about exams. I can’t turn around time now. The past is hardly a problem, the 044
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WHITE GANJI: BODY BASICS, BOMBAY, BLACK TROUSERS: LOVE JEANS WATCH: TAG HEUER AQUARACER CHRONOGRAPH GRAND DATE
Also, May Queen Balls and all the cantonment lifestyle must be helping... I never did any of that. You know why? Because my dad was a very good emcee and he would be hosting that. So, I was like, dad, suppose we are doing this and if I come on stage and I see you, I will start laughing! So, I never participated in May Queen balls and all. Miss India was the ﬁrst pageant I participated in and fortunately I won. Ya, I am quite a ﬁghter and I am sour loser. When I don’t get what I want, and I know that I can get it but didn’t get it... I try the second time, the third time... I am so glad that as far as that competition is concerned I won it the ﬁrst time itself...
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WHITE GANJI: BODY BASICS, BOMBAY, BLACK TROUSERS: LOVE JEANS WATCH: TAG HEUER AQUARACER CHRONOGRAPH GRAND DATE
C O V E R S T O RY
real problem is now when you go out there. And then there will be more problems ahead... I don’t like getting stressed out. But I am also aware that I cannot turn back time, so I have to make most of what I have right now. I have a voice so I will speak out... That must have been difficult once you entered films? What are the lessons you’ve learnt over time? On the contrary. The most important thing I have learnt is to be myself. As far as the industry is concerned, it is very simple... you just have to really, really, really have to be yourself. Earlier, I used to dress like other actresses, behave like other actresses, thinking that this is the way that one needs to be. But no. Just be yourself. Either they will like you or they won’t like you. If they like you, great. If they don’t like you, maybe they will like your work and then what really matters is how you are on screen, no matter how you are or what you look like when you are sitting at home. What you are looking like when you are sitting between 15 people does not matter. And at the same time, you are being judged constantly. So, I don’t really get affected any more. My mother always told me, today’s news is tomorrow’s trash. But, ya, I read the papers. Not that it worries me... sometimes I just laugh and sometimes I am like why have they written something like this. But it’s okay, it’s all a part of it. Another important lesson that I’ve learnt is to respect people. Whoever you are talking to, be it a spotboy or a co-star, respect is most important. I believe in treating people the way I would like people to treat me. So, if I crack a joke at someone, I have to be ﬁne with someone taking a dig at me. And I am a kind of person who does that and I know I am appreciated for my wicked sense of humour. There is a lot I don’t know. I am not shy of admitting that and I don’t pretend that I know things I don’t. I am prepared to learn. I am not worldly wise but I am wise enough to tell people that I am not. So, how does Neha see herself? Honestly I am just a chilled out chick. I can hang out with anyone at any time. But if you try and be someone else, if you are going to be arsy with me and have an opinion about everything, then I don’t have too much respect for you. 07/09
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But is the respect reciprocal... As in, has anyone ever tried to cross the line with you? Never ever. If you get to know me, you will see that there is this huge invisible wall around me. And I think that men can see that wall more than women can. And no one in this industry, has ever, I swear to you, no matter what people say about the industry about the casting couch and that we are easy people, and maybe it’s just the people I’ve worked with, but no one has ever made pass at me or anything... Or maybe I just can’t sense it. Maybe, my lech-radar is very very low because I can’t make out... And I don’t even care. As far as people are concerned, if they want to look and they want to stare, I am happy for them. It’s ﬁne. If I see someone who is gorgeous or good looking, I’d look and I’d stare, what the heck. It doesn’t affect me. Love that attitude, girl! Also love the fact that you are sparkling in big roles in small films like Mithya and small roles in big films like Singh Is King... What exactly have your film influences been like? Honestly Tushar, when people sit around and talk about earlier phase of cinema and all, I am totally lost. I am a girl who’s grown up on Chitrahaar – it used to come every Wednesday with a repeat on Sunday afternoon – and Malgudi Days. I am really clueless when it comes to cinema and all... In those days, we weren’t allowed to watch movies and I come from a background where movies were not given that much importance. My memories of movies is sitting at home and watching Mr. India and Sound of Music and Mary Poppins. The ﬁrst movie that I ever saw in theaters was True Lies and there too, my dad dropped me outside the theater and was waiting outside till the movie got over to pick me up. When you live with your dad and a brother, the kind of upbringing you have is little conservative but at the same time you are a complete brat. I am happy that I had that kind of upbringing. My ﬁnal three years of education were at a convent that I chose... I was not brought up on cinema so I cannot have discussions about old songs and old movies. So, do Rajat and Saurabh hand you a list of movies to watch...? I tell you, I am so blessed to have Rajat (Kapoor), Saurabh (Shukla), Vinay (Phatak) and Ranvir (Shorey) as friends of mine. They 048
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give me a lot of information. Even Resool (Pookutty) is a dear friend now and I was so happy when he won the Oscar. I am just so happy for everyone. It is like our little clique that we are always having fun together. I learn so much from them. There was a phase in my career when I was on the borderline of becoming a complete brat and getting spoilt and highly commercialised as far as choices were concerned, Rajat just came and saved the day. He changed me and brought me back to being the person I am. He was the one who told me, “Neha, don’t do work for the heck of it. Because you will go, but your work won’t. Your work is immortal. It’s gonna be watched by generations to come.” So, now when I have to choose ﬁlms I do, I think whether I would be okay with the next generation and the generation after that watching this. And it’s like, immediately, it’s either a yes or a no. And I say yes or no to the project. I am so happy that I have got these great guys in my life. What are you passionate about beyond films? I love travelling a lot. I just came back from a nice small vacation in Vietnam. Initially, I’d thought I’d backpack but then the divaness came out and I ended up staying in this beautiful French resort. It was like 110 years-old, very vintage... Travelling is like a passion for me. And of course, ﬁtness... I have been observing the obsession with gym, the fear of the trainer and the passion for doodhi... Do you really enjoy working out or do you have to do it because of work? Well, I don’t know if it is because I am in the industry... but now, if I don’t work out, I feel like something is missing from my life. Now, I am completely hooked to it. And it is something I learnt from Akshay Kumar and this is something I have to mention. He told me, we spend three hours a day eating, eight hours a day sleeping and ten hours a day working... you cannot spend one hour a day on your body that goes through so much. You obviously don’t love yourself! That made a big difference in my attitude towards ﬁtness. And what do you look for in a guy? He has to be real, honest and funny. Funny is very important to me... and yes, he has to be a foodie because I am a foodie and yes, into ﬁtness. I don’t like ﬂab... And basically,
chilled out. I am a chilled out chick so I need someone chilled out. Not high maintenance... being high maintenance is my job... Is money not one of the deciding factors? No. We just need to have enough money to travel. Enough to live a good life. I don’t need to buy a car that is bigger than Bandra or so much gold and so many diamonds that I don’t know where to store them. I am probably the only woman who doesn’t like jewellery. I like a nice house. I like to travel... And buying shoes... ? Ya. So, how many pairs do you have...? Can’t say... (laughs) can’t say... I just have the most wonderful collection of shoes. They are so nice, I cannot wear them. They will get spoilt! I can’t wear them. I am a hoarder... I get shoes from where ever I go... What have you learnt from your past relationships? You have to be completely honest, whether you are in it or not in it. You have to be honest and let the other person know. There has to be respect. Everyone has their own set of insecurities but it is important to try and get over them on your own... With every relationship you get to learn a lot and I am glad for the one I was in. They taught me a lot. Some have been good, some have been not very good. But the place I am right now, I feel secure, happy... I don’t want to use very big words because that’s when trouble begins. You have come a long way... Quo Vadis? Where to now... Ya, when I was going through the lowest phase, there was a point when I thought I had hit rock bottom... I was like, “Damn, it’s over even before it started!” I am proud of the fact that I did Julie. It was narrated to me in a certain way. I made a choice and I will stick to it. I had no control over the way the producer chooses to market it. But then I went ahead and was fortunate enough to get a ﬁlm with Priyadarshan called Chup Chupke. Garam Masala and Mithya and Ek Chalis Ki Last Local... followed. I am very proud of the work I have done. I have ﬁve ﬁlms releasing this year and one of them is an international ﬁlm. I wake up every morning thinking that I am in a great place... No regrets. No regrets at all...
C O V E R S T O RY
DRESS: RAJESH PRATAP SINGH
I wake up every morning thinking I am at a great place in life. I have no regrets at all...
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Bring on the WORDS: NISHA SAMSON
30’s Slam DUNK those 20’s guys, life begins at 30.
en’s age these days boils down to the women. Women in their 20’s ﬁnd men in the 30’s more attractive because the damn 20 somethings behave like 15year old’s. The 20 year old’s are just overgrown children. No one really wants to marry the buggers. A lot of 30 somethings are single, ﬁnancially secure and that appeals to women. Besides the single 30 somethings are discovering that the world is their oyster. They’ve got the money, there are places they can go, women they continue meeting and hey life is looking good,” says Prahlad Kakkar, ad guru. FHM has to agree with Prahlad...just to an extent though. The 30’s are indeed the new 20’s sure, but the women are just a part of the reason. You hotties are ones who personify why the 30’s are super-hot. Fitness, health and vanity now take top priority. And why the hell not. No one’s bothered about a falling sperm count. Mickael Casol, 30, billionaire art dealer and designer (just turned 30) says, “We think we’re king of the world in our 20’s. Nothing is further from the truth than that.” While we’re admitting the shortcomings of the 20’s, are the 30’s really that hunkydory? Responsibilities only increase and that is not always fun. Let’s take a looksie at some of the roadblocks this decade offers you and how you can successfully overcome them. Hey this is the 30’s guys, you can go to the moon and beyond!
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Fit as a fiddle Okay so you cannot gorge on all the junk you used to, but that is a good thing. At least now you will be able to give your body some good wholesome food. You will look younger and tastier too. YUMMY. “The 20’s were about excesses in food, drink and partying. Even though I was a sportsman, I let myself go. The 30’s
however is all about listening to my body, respecting my body and doing just what he says. I am in tune with the inner voice regarding my ﬁtness and health and I am enjoying every bit of it. In fact I am a ﬁtter now as compared to my 20’s” says Mickael. So guys you probably have put your body through the rigours of junk food and alcohol, but hey staying healthy is as simple as staying in tune with your body. Listen to your body and health and ﬁtness will be an absolute breeze.
“The greatest satisfaction lies in doing terrific business and giving back to the world too.”
If you’re 30 and single you will be familiar with well-wishers (nosey aunties) bringing your “perfect” girls to settle down with. Wake-up guys, there aren’t any perfect women out there. Mickael Casol says, “Marriage is as simple as being ready and as complex as not being ready. I’ve noticed how wellwishing aunts get a lot of “perfect girls” if one is successful. I just have one answer: You must marry only when you are emotionally ready and mature to get hitched. Just give the well-wishing aunty a random list of names to ﬁnd matches for, that should keep them busy.” Not a bad idea guys, work on that list.
Business smart The 20’s businessman is usually on a wild horse, the 30’s businessman tries to tame that horse just a little. Suddenly there is only
a certain amount of mistakes that you allow yourself and why not. “Okay, so I am all for the young businessman, but there really is only so much anyone in their 20’s knows. I know, because I started my company when I was 25, and plunged head on. The 20’s are about the aggressive businessman, the 30’s are about being a less aggressive one. My mentors voice rings through louder and clearer now,” says Mickael. So how does Mickael plan his transformation? “Simple, I am learning to actually listen now. (Laughs) As a businessman I have to be aggressive, yes but I also need a lot of sense in that aggression. I am taking the aggression from my 20’s and I am combining that with the experience of my mentors who are in their 50’s. That should make me a perfectly balanced businessman...I hope (laughs).”
20 things you should not even think of doing when you turn 30
Wear torn jeans: Hideous torn clothes are limited to rockers on stage. So unless you’re in a band, dump the torns.
Stuff your gut with junk food: Limit that Big Mac for the weekend only, fat derriers are never in. Buy a flashy, flashy car: Flashy is a plain NO, NO. You’re 30 not dying; quit blinding everyone on the road. Streak your hair a funky pink: Pink is in sure...pink lingerie for your partner, pink clothes (only if you can pull it off). Leave the hideous pink streaks to PINK. Postpone exercise: A paunch is easy to acquire guys. Exercise NOW. Wear tiny speedos: Squishy-squashy spillers are best allowed to breathe. Believe that taking advantage of the drunk chicks is the best way to score: Leave them with a strong coffee, easy game is never fun. Accessorise like Mr T: Heavy, falshy accessories are best left to that giant freak.
The 30’s are a time when a few of you may want to add to your career proﬁle or even change tracks completely. You will have a few ‘play-it-safe’ kinds who tell you that this is just a 30’s crisis. However the 30’s are as good a time as any to buffer and/or change. “I changed from being a pro-athelete and a model to art dealer and businessman. I knew I wanted to do something different, so I changed tracks. Tip: If something within you urges you to switch, then just switch. This decade is the best. It is not too late plus you have the experience (good and bad) from your 20’s,” says Mickael.
Balancing life and work The 30’s are about changes and getting bigger and better. Time is precious and balancing family life and work is quite the challenge. “The 20’s were about lots of experimenting. I went overboard with sports
Use a crappy pick up line: You don’t want her saying “yeah right weirdo!” Drink like a fish and behave like an obnoxious lout: Loud behaviour is best left in the last decade. It’s totally putting off. Watch only ‘intelligent’ stuff on the tele: Okay so you’re 30, but it’s ﬁne if you give into a F.R.I.E.N.D.S re-run. In fact, it is essential that you do. Want to be seen because you believe that is your ticket to stardom: If you’re somebody, you’re somebody, being a social butterﬂy is so passe.
and partied till dawn. The 30’s bring with it maturity. And while I still party, I regulate the number of times I party and watch my alcohol intake. In fact at the risk of sounding domesticated, I like hanging out with a few close friends after work. Now business, family and close friends take top priority.” So how does one do everything? Just take care of your health and put less stress on your body. “The idea is doing everything to the absolute fullest and the absolute best,” ends Mickael. Now that you’ve tackled you obtacles, let’s take a peek at the fun part. Being in the 3-0’s does give you a feeling of invincibility but you do know there are certain things you just CANNOT do in the 30’s right. Okay so you are king-of-theworld and all, but there are some attitude boo-boo’s that can make you look like a boo-boo. Take a long hard look at the 20 things you should NEVER do in your 30’s:
Use words like f*** and da during normal course of conversation: No one really likes anyone f****** anything and everything. DA Throw your business cards in everybody’s face...just to show them you’ve arrived: Time to get out of ‘wannabe’ stage. Start looking for that grey streak or fine line: You’re 30 not 100, get over it. Think that 30 is the end of your life: Life is only just beginning darling. Date the bimbette: So the dumbo makes you feel intelligent, but for how long can you survive a conversation that ends in DUH!!!!
Cyber-stalking that hot babe: What are you in school? Race your car just because you did it at 18: Revving up that Merc is best left for empty roads.
Wish you were still in your 20’s: In Mickael’s words, “The 20’s are absolutely crazy. Enjoy every bit of it. Life though begins at 30.” 07/09
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30 things you can never think of when you are 20 Discover that condoms and performance are not interconnected: Yeah, yeah they are really not, so practice safe sex...but wait you already know that you genuis. Pack your bags and go travelling anywhere: Financial freedom is GOD AWESOME. There is more to life than just hookups: Of course, there is. Exit the bimbos, enter the babes. Be intelligent and actually BE intelligent: CNN and BBC are more than just abbreviations. Experiment with your career: Want to take a break, switch paths or even turn entrepreneur...go ahead already. Give good advice: At 30 you can actually make a s***load of sense! Treat mum and dad to their dream holiday: This is the absolute best, isn’t it? Actually know that ‘legs’ does not always mean a woman: Yes there are several meanings. Know that books are not just limited to Playboy and Penthouse: FHM gives you your dose of features and fun. You really cannot ask for any better.
discover and worry about mum, dad and your partner beside you and your friends. Discover that lingerie shopping with your better half will not ALWAYS end with nookie in the trial room: While nookie is always good, steamy action at home too is YUMMY. Realise that exposing more than half of your chest is not always sexy: It’s best left to Cristiano Ronaldo. Shop for women and actually do a darn good job of it: You ﬁnally know lingerie and understand that diamonds are INDEED a woman’s best friend. You can flick your partners bra off with the flick of your finger!: Doesn’t it turn you on. Hold doors for women with no ulterior motives (it’s not just to check out her a***): You charming gentleman you. Know that there is more than one meaning to the word ‘joystick’: Yeah baby, there so is. Discover that there is more to the internet than porn and chats: Isn’t cyber world limitless! Realise that being your own boss is overrated but so totally worth it: So your work that sexy derriere off, but the fruits taste like no other.
Believe that being a metrosexual male is not womanly or even remotely gay: Getting a facial and pedicure keeps you looking good you stud.
High-five and butt slap: Unless you’re a sportsman there’s no reason to act “cool”.
Get involved in other’s lives (besides your own): It’s nice to ﬁnally
Think beyond your trousers: Yes sex is great, but so is everything else in life.
Foreplay is as important as the act itself: There really is no play like foreplay. Realise that when your pop talked of figures, he referred to the prices of his stocks and bonds: And boy do those bonds look good. Understand that the flavour of your condom depends on your partner’s preference: And you know what an absolute pleasure it is when she is happy. Wink, wink. Learn the inportance of photoshopping your own pictures: Screw adding horns on your pals, it’s time to smoothen your looks you Greek God. Partying does not always have to end with you being pissed drunk: You don’t want ot throw up on that gorgeous date of yours. Googling your exes – they are exes for a reason guys: Leave them in the past, like you did your 20’s. Realise that facial hair is limited to just your face (it does not include your ears): Yeah, ear fuzz is gross and very Planet of the Apes kind. Think that a woman’s face starts and ends at her breasts: Yes, yes, the earlier invisible face is above her neck and you can ﬁnally appreciate her beauty. Know that you are looking at the beginning of the rest of your life and take it on with KILLER attitude Go on darlings, the 30’s are about enjoying horizons in a way you’ve never imagined. Paint that canvas the way you want.
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Now On Stands
The Apache pilot Ed Macy won the Military Cross for his exploits in Afghanistan
You were in the Paras before retraining as a copter pilot. Which training was tougher? The Paras selection in mid-80’s was brutal. I got beaten up all through training – they’d just run down the corridor and kick you in the nuts to see if you could take it. It isn’t like that now. I had to leave after getting knocked off my bike by a car and being left for dead. But my goal was to get back to the front line, so a friend suggested the Army Air Corps. The helicopter training was tough mentally. The Apache is so advanced that even people with a lot of ﬂying hours can’t take it all in. It took two years to learn. Then we practised for a year before Afghanistan. What’s the trickiest feature to master? Flying at night. The Apache pilot’s helmet has a monocle mounted an inch in front of your right eye. It has sensors built in so, wherever your head moves, the aircraft knows where you’re looking. If I move my head so the crosshairs on my monocle are over a vehicle and I pull the trigger, the rounds will land on that target. At night, an outside thermal picture and lots of other info is beamed, and
indestructible aircraft ever built – bullets either bounce off or pass through. It also automatically deploys ﬂares to attract away surface-to-air missiles. And they’ve got double hydraulics, double engines, two weapons processors… Your closest shave under fire? Being shot at by a trained anti-aircraft gunner in Afghanistan. He was ﬁring at me and my mate in the front was going: “We’re gonna die!” The ﬁrst burst was really close, so I ﬂipped the aircraft on its back to go slower but the rounds cut right across the nose of the aircraft. Then, to get speed on, I turned the aircraft on its side, which made it drop upside down towards the ground. By this time, I knew where he was and blew the building to smithereens. The chopper has two crew: do you prefer being flier or gunner? It’s sexy to ﬂy, but when you’re at war you want to be in that front seat gunning. Your favourite weapon? I love them all. We ﬁre cannons in bursts of 20 rounds. Each round is like a grenade that penetrates armour, fragments and bursts into ﬂame. If the enemy is in the trees, we ﬁre Flechette rockets: you get 80 5in tungsten darts coming out of each one. They strip a place completely. It only needs to pass your arm and it will suck the muscles off. If we don’t want anyone to know, we sit 8km back and ﬁre a Hellﬁre missile. You can also use them up close. What was your best shot? When I ﬂew straight toward the earth, put a Hellﬁre missile vertically down a tunnel and blew up the Taliban who had just run down it. You won a medal for your rescue at Jugroom Fort, 2007. What happened? I was to escort a Chinook to Jugroom Fort, a Taliban position, to pick up casualties. The mission changed to rescuing a Marine missing in action, Mathew Ford. We thought we’d land our two aircraft with four Marines strapped on the side, grab Mathew and get back in two-and-a-half minutes. But the dust from landing was bad, like a foot of talcum powder, and the second aircraft had to land in the next ﬁeld. When the dust settled, I saw two Marines stuck in a ditch with Mathew. I
Do you ever get to see the whites of your enemies eyes? Yes. Our cameras are 127x zoom, you can even read the book they’re reading the trick is being able to ﬂy with just what you can see on that one eye. There is a slight time delay, so you can get a bit nauseous. Any other top gizmos on board? The Fire Control Radar; looks like a big Swiss cheese on the top. The patrol leader just needs to pop it a few feet above the horizon, do a three-second sweep and it picks up 1,024 targets, prioritises the top 256 and displays the top 16 in your aircraft. You can send the data to everybody else. An Apache has its own targets and they can each ﬁre 16 missiles without showing themselves. What would it take to shoot down an Apache? There is always the golden bullet that could hit a critical component, but it is the most 054
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jumped out and we heaved him up, but our feet just sank in the ﬁeld. I was pinned down and could see muzzle ﬂashes. The other pilot and his Marines ran to help and the ground in front of them was erupting. I have no fear of dying, but I didn’t want to die there. With another 5m to go, Carl, my pilot, powered up the aircraft and the dust provided cover, so we clipped Mathew on the footstep and got out. We found out at Camp Bastion that he was dead, which was devastating. Have you ever flown a mission you didn’t believe in? In hindsight, a bit. When we hit a Taliban command post at Koshtay, we didn’t know before we went in that there was a prison there. I’m not bloodthirsty. I don’t want to kill innocent people. The tactical decision was right, but I wish I’d not been there cause I don’t think anyone got out alive. How much would it cost us to own a sleek Apache? £42 million if you wanted all the weapons. Add £6 million for the two pilots. What was your longest spell in the cockpit? Twelve hours. Although once I came back from a mission and had to go straight back out four times in a row. How do you manage, toiletwise? There are bags. But you’ve got to loosen your harness, pull your jacket strap out, undo your zip, pull your ﬁreproofs aside… By the time one guy had done that, he’d started to wee and, at pressure, had a blowback, covering himself and the cockpit in urine. No one used it after that. You just pee yourself. Ed Macy is a pseudonym. Why don’t you reveal your true identity? All Apache pilots are wanted by al-Qaeda and, by writing a book, they now know who killed certain people in certain places. I’m not married, I don’t vote and I don’t own my own home to avoid being traced. Finally, what was your best moment as an Apache pilot? When FHM said ﬂying the Apache was the top job – above F1 racing driver. We were hopping around, celebrating, going: “How cool is that! Lewis Hamilton, eat your heart out!” Apache by Ed Macy is out now in paperback, published by Harper Perennial (£7.99)
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The Oscar nominated independent short filmmaker on his commercial feature debut.
very few people get to watch. My idea was to show the catastrophic consequences of violating nature. So, I was looking around for stories where nature actually has struck back - like typhoons, hurricanes, etc. And one of the things that is affecting India is the declining tiger and leopard population. These animals are not man-eaters by nature but they become man-eaters when they are crippled or their habitat is encroached upon. So, I thought that would be a perfect metaphor for all the I wanted to say. Firstly, it could be woven into an engaging story and secondly, I will be able to send a message. That’s where the inspiration came from. As I researched more and more into the subject, I got to read stories of Jim Corbett and I have been going to jungles since childhood myself, so it seemed to be the right idea. What was the reason behind taking the film to Cannes? We are in a very privileged position. In fact, we are the only feature ﬁlm from India to be represented by Non Stop Sales, a Swedish international sales company at the ﬁlm market. They showed the ﬁlm to distributors 056
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from different parts of the world. The aim was to give the ﬁlm a global stage so that it can reach all possible audiences. Has the recent producer - multiplex tussle over profit sharing affected your film’s release? The Forest was supposed to release in India in July but given the recent tiff, all schedules have gone haywire. And what is your take on the multiplex - producer bickering as an independent filmmaker?
It’s a valid point on which the two sides are debating. If the producers succeed in getting their way, certainly the smaller independent ﬁlms would beneﬁt. But, to be honest, we independent ﬁlmmakers don’t really have a voice in the industry and our ﬁlms are the ﬁrst to be thrown out of a theater, even if they are doing well, if there is a big star’s ﬁlm or a big producer’s ﬁlm releasing. As independent ﬁlmmakers, we do not support that kind of protectivism or coteriesm. We also feel that if there is a battle to be fought, that should be fought against the Entertainment Tax levied by the state, which is a bigger issue. We have a bizzarre situation in this country where whether the ﬁlmmaker makes money or not, the distributor makes money or not or the exhibitor makes money or not, the government always makes money on every ﬁlm. That is in addition to the fact that we pay Income Tax, Sales Tax, V.A.T, Service Tax and don’t ask me what else. It makes no sense. So, if any lobbying has to be done, it should be done against the government and not against each another.
And as an independent filmmaker, do you expect the government to support you like they do in certain other countries? We independent ﬁlmmakers have no support whatsoever in this country. And the bigger question is, where does all the tax go? It deﬁnitely does not get invested back into the industry. It would be ﬁne if all this entertainment tax went to a central fund that’s used to encourage new ﬁlmmakers or independent ﬁlmmakers. I wouldn’t mind Entertainment Tax if there were some grants instituted or subsidies extended to independent or ﬁrst time ﬁlmmakers to help them ﬁnd their footing. So, is there any organisation that is pushing for these measures to be taken? I am the member of the executive committee of IIFWA and we are certainly looking at these developments and our legal department is formulating a response to this situation. Right now it is too early for us to make any formal declaration, but you will soon see some development on that front in the coming year. Given all these difficulties, right from getting a film conceptualised to getting the money, to making sure it gets a decent release, filmmaking is a demanding ask. And you come from a fairly well to do background with your mother (designer Ritu Kumar) being a legendary figure in the fashion industry. What made you choose such a difficult profession?
WORDS: TUSHAR A AMIN
What prompted a departure from the documentary or short film format that you have usually pursued? Basically, I have been wanting to bring the message of wildlife conservation and environmental awareness through a ﬁlm. Post The Little Terrorist, I was trying to ﬁgure out what I wanted to do and I thought I would like to work on something dealing with these issues. I didn’t want to make a documentary because there have been too many documentaries on the subject that
Well, ﬁrst of all, I had no idea it was going to be so difﬁcult. (Laughs) But even if I had known that, it would not have made a difference. Basically, it’s the love and the passion I have for this artform yaar. For me, money is not all that important. The fact that I can contribute something by making people aware of what they would otherwise not be aware of, like environment for instance or my next ﬁlm which is a political thriller set in Kashmir. And I like to make people laugh and cry, ya. So, that’s not a bad thing to do, especially when I know how to do it well. Hence the choice. When was the first time you realised you wanted to be a filmmaker? To be very honest, I was actually and I still am very much an actor to start with. I have always been one and I think I am going back to my ﬁrst calling very soon. And that’s what started me off. Acting in theater led to directing theater. From directing theater, I moved to editing ﬁlms. As I was editing ﬁlms, I started writing scripts, and I was writing scripts, I started directing them. So, one thing led to another. Any shaping influences? Lots of them from across the world: Joen and Ethan Coel, Zhyang Yimou, Makhmalbatf, Kiarostami, Inarittu. Argentina, Mexico, Korea - Over the past couple of decades, we have seen dazzling independent films coming out of these countries with small film industries. Why has Indian independent cinema not made its mark yet? I keep having this debate with so many people. I moved to Mumbai last year and have got quite intimate with that world. Trying to get my ﬁlm released has given me an insight into the psyche of this world. The problem with our cinema make-up is that we always try to second-guess the audience. A ﬁlmmaker will always say, “I have two crore rupees, so let’s make a ﬁlm” rather than saying, “I have a script, now how do I get this ﬁnanced”. The reason he wants to make a two crore ﬁlm is that he cannot get a star and the reason he needs a star is because that is what he thinks the audience wants to see - despite the fact that audience have time and time again showed that stars do not work. It is the story and the real ﬁlm that work. But we are still stuck in that vicious circle. Till the time our ﬁlmmakers become a little more honest and sincere and start making movies for themselves ﬁrst - you make a movie for 07/09
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yourself, and if you are a person who has the pulse of the people, it will connect. That’s how it works. You cannot make a ﬁlm for someone else. What about the cynical belief that people deserve the films they get? Unfortunately, people are far more smarter, far more intelligent that we give them credit for. And another problem with our ﬁlm industry’s structure is that there is no level playing ﬁeld. My ﬁlm will compete with the next Yash Raj ﬁlm. How can I compete with Yash Raj? But my ﬁlm and a Yash Raj ﬁlm will be shown on neighbouring screens. Why are the two ﬁlms shown in the same theater? Abroad, they have Art House or independent ﬁlm screening theaters. A Tom Cruise ﬁlm will never open next to a Kiarostami ﬁlm. With newer modes of releasing films like say, direct to DVD or pay-perview TV or Internet download, both the viewing and the revenue generation are taken care of. Do you need a theater to screen a film any longer? I wish what you saying is true and I am sure it will be true in 10-15 years time. You need to open your ﬁlm in a theater regardless. People are simply not wired to watch a movie that way. Movie-watching needs to be a social exercise. Just because you have a thousand different gadgets, it does not mean the audience’s preferences and tastes are going to change. Mind you, we 058
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have been watching ﬁlms this way for over a hundred years now. And it would take a long time to change that habit. And I sincerely hope it does not change. You hope it does ‘not’ change? Because cinema is made to be watched on the big screen. The small screen is for secondary and tertiary channel of viewing
of Indian cinema. Bollywood will, at some point of time, become one of the niches. An important niche but niche all the same. We will have different kinds of cinema and Bollywood will be one of them. Along with The Forest readying for theatrical release, your Academy Award nominated short film The Little Terrorist and your debut short film Road To Ladakh are releasing on a single DVD. Ya, I am very happy that after gaining a worldwide audience, the two ﬁlms are now available for Indians through this DVD. It is a very good platform for short ﬁlm makers. You get to make your own ﬁlm, your work gets seen and hey, you could also end up making some money which you can pay back to your creditors. Personally, there was this little explosion when The Little Terrorist got nominated and I feel, this is somehow a culmination of a journey for the ﬁlm. Road To Ladakh is quite esoteric and not many people got to see it, so I am glad that it will reach a wider audience through this medium. What would be your words of advice to aspiring filmmakers out there wanting to make a short film? Firstly, I would say, make the ﬁlm you want to make. You don’t need to shoot on 35 mm or anything, even a digital ﬁlm can be
Cinema is made to be watched on the big screen. The small screen is for secondary and tertiary channel of viewing but a movie should open to a big screen. but a movie should open to a big screen. If not the silver screen, at least television. Unfortunately, we do not have a made-fortelevision model of movie-making like everywhere else where you not only have Art House Cinema but also made-for-television cinema which is cheaper and provides another outlet for creative moviemaking. As an independent filmmaker, do you feel optimistic going ahead? Yes, I do. It’s gonna be tough. But the new generation of ﬁlmmakers, people who have not yet made the ﬁlm but are waiting in the wings, who I bump into in Mumbai nowadays, are actually very exciting. They are the future of independent ﬁlmmaking. And independent ﬁlmmaking is the future
later blown up for larger format if you get selected for the festivals. I would just say, write a great script, make a good movie and make it on a format you want to make it on. And push the envelope when it comes to experimentation. Speak out. Do whatever you think, whatever you want to do with this artform. So, let it out. And then, send it out to the festivals internationally and see who picks it up. And if the festivals do not take your ﬁlm, make one more and if that doesn’t get selected, make one more. That’s it! (Road To Ladakh and Academy Award nominated The Little Terrorist out now on a single Junglee Home Video DVD. Rs.125.00)
Hollywood’s king of comedy talks bravado, boot camps and ‘full retard’
You’ve now made over 50 films. What was Working Tra$h, from 1990, like? That was the high point of my made-for-TV career. It was a bad ‘movie of the week’ about two janitors who learn to work the stock market and get rich. THE MAN
Sounds funny. It wasn’t. What’s the difference between you now and you then? Back then I got a lot of rejections, yet was a lot more conﬁdent. I thought I knew it all. You need that kind of bravado when starting out in a career. Is that why you quit Saturday Night Live? I was an apprentice writer and actor. I wanted to make my own short ﬁlms, but I couldn’t, so
What’s the most irritating catchphrase people shout at you on the street? It’s never irritating to hear people shout, but at times, “Hey Focker!,” gets a little old. How similar are you to the version of yourself you played in Extras? You’d have to ask other people, but hopefully not too similar. I remember looking at the part and going, “Oh that’s… interesting.” But I enjoy that kind of humour. I like seeing how far you can push it. Tropic Thunder was around for a while before it was made. When did you have the idea? 20 years ago, while doing Empire Of The Sun. All these Vietnam movies were being made then. I went for a few auditions where my friends and I went away to fake boot camps.
‘It isn’t irritating to hear people shouting something they like, but “Hey Focker!” gets a little old’ when I was given the chance to do that at MTV for no money, I took it. It was the right choice.
The facts Profession: Actor Age: 43 From: New York City See him in: Tropic Thunder; Meet The Fockers; Zoolander; Starsky & Hutch Out soon: Master Mind; Greenberg; The Hardy Men; Little Fockers
Night At The Museum 2’s cast includes Ricky Gervais, Steve Coogan, Robin Williams and Jonah Hill. You wet yourself a little laughing, right? Let’s just say a very adult version of Night At The Museum exists. Robin’s exactly as you’d imagine, funny and always making jokes you can’t do in a family movie when the camera cuts. Those guys are hilarious.
Actors started saying these camps were experiences that changed their lives. Something about that seemed funny. It was. Finally, did Robert Downey Jr improvise the full retard scene? No, that was written for a long time. It set the tone of the movie. We didn’t realise that it would cause such a stir - either positively or negatively – we just thought it was funny. Night At The Museum: Battle Of The Smithsonian is out now 07/09
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Khan chronicles n)official biographer (u ’s K SR g in be on kh Mushtaq Shie
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What is it about Shah Rukh Khan (SRK) that absolutely fascinates you as a writer? Why does an enigma fascinate? For a writer, there is no better mystery to be solved and no better subject to write about. A biography is one of the most challenging of tasks that a writer faces in his lifetime, because it’s the most laborious and painful task that constantly throws up obstacles and agonising choices. Shah Rukh is an enigma to me and the book was an effort to record the life of this man and in the process and try to solve the puzzle of his being. I have managed to the former but the latter still remains elusive. What are the problems involved in writing about SRK? You cannot stop writing! That’s the problem. You want to keep probing, analysing and when you think, Eureka, now I know what he is all about, he does something totally surprising and rocks your boat. It’s not easy to record an entire life in a few chapters.
Just when you think it’s wrapped up, there is something else that you discover, sometimes in the process of writing. Other writers too have written on SRK. How is your book different from those? This book is a combination of narration of Shah Rukh’s history, a study of his ﬁlms and persona, and it has Shah Rukh’s friends, peers and contemporaries talking about the man. This pretty much sets the book apart from the rest but the signiﬁcant difference is, that this book has Shah Rukh in his own voice explaining his art and craft. How do you walk the thin line between star-struck writing and getting too judgmental? Writing about a star does not mean it has to be called star struck. Nor does writing about a star needs to be judgemental. In fact my problem when I was writing about Shah Rukh was the chances that I could take “a friend of mine for granted”. By presenting
WORDS: TUSHAR A AMIN
Shah Rukh Can is your second book on Shah Rukh Khan after Still Reading Khan. How are the two books different? Shah Rukh Can is a revised updated version of Still Reading Khan. There are a thousand things plus one, that he has managed to do between after the ﬁrst edition was published which have been added to this particular edition. Besides the earlier one was a huge coffee table book, that weighed heavily on one’s bookshelves (4 kgs) and purse too. Therefore, the decision to bring out the book in a paperback format, so that every fan of his would be able to buy one. This version is my offering to the youth of this country who complained to me after my ﬁrst book was released that I was being unfair to them and they could not afford to read my earlier book and that it was way past their pocket money. This would reach them all and more at a affordable price of Rs 399. Certainly a throw away price to take Shah Rukh Khan home.
facts honestly, by giving a voice to the subject and by letting his friends talk about him and refraining from judging these yourself. I have however to respect an individual’s right to privacy and a personal life which is sacred to me, so there has been a certain degree of self-censorship. A biographer is not paparazzi, though at times some biographies do forget the fact. How would you describe the relationship with SRK? This is a tough one, for its nearly impossible to describe a friendship without sounding like a greeting card. The usual suspects are there: respect, admiration, trust, affection, as in any good friendship. He is my sounding board, as I said earlier, he is also someone that I look up to, somebody who keeps me grounded and someone who helps me ﬂy high.
Versova, and I remember meeting him there, dictaphone in hand, being thoroughly entertained. His quotes were the most interesting of the lot and ended taking a lot more space in the story than my editor had bargained for. What is your most exciting memory of being with him? I think it was the time I went with to attend Zee in London. I was standing there beside him and there was this sea of humanity awaiting him. It was an overwhelming sight and there he was worried how I would take the pressure, he even asked his bodyguard to protect me, if the crowd surged ahead. I was overcome with the adulation of the crowd and you know, sometimes, being friends, you take him for granted and at times like these, it makes you realise the superstar he is, the adoration he gets from his fans. And for me who has never been mobbed this was quite an experience. What is the one thing that you would want SRK to change if you could ask him to? I would like him to stop smoking. How involved is Shah Rukh in the writing of your books? Shah Rukh never grudged me any word or sentence. The book contains a series of conversations we have had over the years, some recorded, the others jotted down in various notebooks, in the margins of scripts or journals I carried. Apart from that, he was a constant source of inspiration.
Do you remember the first time you met Shah Rukh? Where was it and how did it go? Shah Rukh was a known television star and had just got his ﬁrst taste of ﬁlmdom. I was a freelance journalist who thought that this guy was somebody I should interview. My editor however thought different, he was still a ‘nobody; and that there were lot of Khans, so why not a story, a composite proﬁle of all the Khans in the industry. I remember that I wrote about 68 Khans for the story, and one of them was Shah Rukh Khan. He was shooting in a bungalow in
How did SRK react when he saw the first book? He was pleasantly surprised, thrilled and happy. He was most excited about his childhood; it was like revisiting his past, especially the collection of rare photographs warmed his heart. It reconnected him with many he though he had lost, and to see in writing their words, was heartwarming for him. Besides his compliment to me, that “if a writer of my caliber has written about his life, his own book could wait”, that was enough for me. You are also a prolific television and film writer. What is the form of writing closest to your heart? Television, books and ﬁlms have a timeless quality. But in television every word goes into a dark hole the next day. What excites
me is its proliﬁcacy to conjure, to create everybody, write constantly and write quality every day. To capture an audience that is snacking, scolding their children, trying to work, shufﬂe channels, is the ultimate challenge. It gives me the highest buzz and an instant feedback, every next day, I know whether my words have clicked or not. What keeps you going as a writer? People -- the fascinating, frustrating, exhilarating, saddening, joyous, nauseas, delightful, conundrum that a human being is. To capture this and tell their stories is what keeps me going. Is there anything about SRK left to be written? Is there a third book... and a fourth...and...? I will let you into a secret… there are 40 more in the ofﬁng. Mushtaq Shiekh’s Shah Rukh Can – The Life And Times of Shah Rukh Khan is in bookstores now. FHM 07/09
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dispensable in â€™s M H F r fo p u ll Roll up, ro -fuelled e n li a n re d a t s o m the 34-page guide to hat are you waiting for? trips on Ear th! W 062
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The world’s most dangerous roadtrip Jerome Starkey went to Afghanistan and found mountains and the Taliban waiting…
tanding knee-deep in an icy, black river, astride a spluttering Chinese motorbike, is never good. Worse if you’re more than 2,800 metres above sea level, on the most remote mountain range on Earth. But when you’re in north-eastern Afghanistan, surrounded by murderous nomads? It’s lethal. What the hell was I doing? 07/09
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Seven days earlier, three mates and I had set off from the Afghanistan capital, Kabul, armed with a 39-year-old guidebook, four rickety Chinese trail bikes worth less than £1,500 combined, and a Toyota Landcruiser full of black-market US army rations. Our destination: the recently re-opened Wakhan Corridor in the north-east. It’s a mountain pass to China, with Tajikistan to the north and Pakistan to the south. Marco Polo was the ﬁrst European to reach it trekking from Venice to China more than 700 years ago. A band of British adventurers, including Boris Johnson’s dad, tried to retrace Polo’s steps in 1961, but they never made it.
After 30 days at sea, Spanner’s liferaft ﬁnally washed up to shore
Bike loved spooning
Into Taliban territory And today it’s even harder. Afghanistan, in case you hadn’t heard, is at war. As we set off, helicopter gunships swooped over the American airbase at Bagram to remind us. True, most of the ﬁghting is in the south, and we were riding north-east. But there was one district on our route we’d been warned to avoid: a small enclave of the Taliban, called Wardooj. A NATO convoy hit a roadside bomb there two days before we arrived. And that, stupidly, was where I crashed. Almost comically, I hit the only other vehicle we’d seen all day: another motorbike with two men. No one was hurt, but my front wheel was completely buckled. As the men I’d nearly killed rode off as soon as they could, we were stuck for two hours rebuilding the wheel. We took turns as lookouts; none of us fancied spending a night, or 90, in a Taliban well – a favourite place for hostages. But with a billion-dollar heroin trade and a lucrative market in guns, the locals have bigger things to worry about than dirty foreigners on motorbikes. And so we made it to the Salang – one of the highest and longest mountain tunnels in the world through the mountains which cut Afghanistan in half. The Russians built it in 1964: 2,700 metres of puddles, ice and pot holes, 3,360m above sea level. Thick with fumes, you can rarely see more than a few metres in front of you – exciting when most people are driving B6 bullet-proof armoured cars. And you’re on a motorbike. But we survived. Kishim, where we ate lunch the next day, was the end of the Tarmac road and the ﬁrst real test of our rust-riddled bikes. Our ancient guidebook warned the road was “considerably deteriorated”, but, it claimed, “an ambitious road building programme is envisioned, so hopefully better time may be made in the future.” Four 064
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Jerome’s route to Ishkash “Shit, here comes Boorman”
decades later, they are still building it. Afghanistan’s border police have a similar approach to bureaucracy. For our Wakhan “permits” (a handwritten scrap of paper from a local colonel), we spent a day dodging bribes in police headquarters. But it’s worth it: the local nomads double up as smugglers. A Russian climber who made it in without a permit has been missing, presumed dead, for more than a year.
Mouth-to-mouth mechanics If all this sounds a bit too much trouble, believe me: every pothole, every bribe, every near-death overtaking manoeuvre was worth it when we ﬁnally made it to the Wakhan. It’s breathtakingly beautiful: a wide, lush valley, ﬂanked by the Pamir Mountains, and fed by glaciers that rise above the snowline. The glaciers melt during the day and the river levels rise. The best time to cross is midmorning – in a big car. We arrived at 3pm, on 150cc motorbikes. The river was in ﬂood, at
Snowmobile Alaska Where: Anchorage For £160 you get a ﬁve-hour skidoo ride through the Chugach Mountains – which means frozen waterfalls, blue icebergs and beaver ponds. Try not to laugh at “beaver ponds” when you’re there, yes? Do it: snowtours.net
Ride the Megavalanche Where: Alpe d’Huez, France Got a mountain bike? The Megavalanche is a downhill marathon from the Pic Blanc glacier to the valley ﬂoor below. In between? Some 30kms of snow, ice, rocks and mud. And the 1,600 other competitors riding around you, screaming “merde!”. Do it: Avalanchecup.com
How To Do It
Go extreme fishing
ARGUS PHOTOGRAPHY, REX. ILLUSRATION: RICHARD PHIPPS
All you’ll need for an Afghan adventure
Flights: Fly into Kabul from Dubai (with KamAir, Saﬁ or Pamir Airways) or from Delhi (with Indian Airways) for around US$600, return. Visas: Take a few days from the Afghan embassy in Delhi. Bikes: Chinese trail bikes, like the ones we used, cost around $770 (shops in Kabul accept dollars). Cheaper bikes are available… Support: Register with the Indian Embassy in Kabul in case things go tits up. Cars with a driver and translator range from $150 to $300 a day, from afghanlogisticstours.com. There are no sizeable shops in the Wakhan – carry 40l of extra petrol in the car, spare diesel, and three days’ worth of rations. The ‘Bush Bazaar’ in Kabul sells all sorts of knock-off American supplies. If you plan to go trekking take tents, food, a ﬁrst aid kit and water puriﬁcation pills. Emergencies: Most of the road is covered by Afghanistan’s mobile networks. Foreign phones can roam, or you can buy a local SIM card. Tour companies can provide satellite phones for emergencies. Up-to-date information: The Aga Khan Foundation runs a tourism ofﬁce and guesthouses along the corridor (wakhan.org). The Kabul Survival Guide (kabulguide.net) has a well-used bulletin board with up-to-date news and gossip from the Kabul-based ex-pats. Remember: Cars and bikes break down, ofﬁcials are corrupt, permits are revoked, roads get washed away and mechanics make things worse. Don’t expect a ﬁve star holiday.
Where: Central Thailand This place was featured in Robson Green’s Extreme Fishing – a fairly awesome show – because there are hundreds of stingrays waiting to be caught for only £135 (you pay, not them). Do it: ﬁshthailand.co.uk
Explore the miners’ lair
The Wakhan valley: popular
Where: Snowdonia When it’s not raining its arse off, the Welsh national park scenery is amazing. But even more impressive are the 200-year-old mines. Not as claustrophobic as potholing, but still creepy enough. Do it: outdooradventureactivities.com
Track a wolf least 20 metres wide, deep and thick with silt. I charged in and lost my bike. We dragged her out, but all the mouth-to-mouth mechanics couldn’t save her. I was broken. My mate Jeremy’s bike went next, and we had to ride in the support car as the others struggled through river after river for two long days. Then, ﬁnally, we reached Sarhad-e Broghil, a hamlet hemmed in by mountains that marked the end of the road. From there, the only way forward is on foot, horse or yak. We’d ridden more than 1,000km through the most dangerous of territories, climbed over 4,500m and survived eight crashes, en route to one of the most remote places in the whole world. According to the locals of Sarhad-e Broghil, it was the ﬁrst time anyone had done it. Two of the four bikes made it to the end of the road. None of them made it back.
Where: Bergslagen, Sweden
Howl at the moon while trekking in Sweden. If the wolves are feeling shy there’s every chance you’ll bump into a brown bear or lynx. Do it: naturetravels.co.uk
Roll down a hill in a big plastic ball Where: Oxford Gravity-defying fun called ‘Sphering’, where you and a mate get tied into a 12-foot-tall ball. Then bounce down a steep hill at 30mph, going, ‘Urgh, urgh…” Do it: £60; via snipurl.com/fv659 Eyeballs prepared to tee off
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Samurai always did a line before battle
Drive a tank Where: Derbyshire What better way to quell rush-hour road rage than by hooﬁng around a tranquil ﬁeld in an FV433 Abbot SPG tank? This bad boy will crush anything from a Chinese student to that banged up old Vauxhall Cavalier your boss drives. Do it: £250 per person; tankmania.co.uk
Run the angry river
Drive the open roadski Where: Russia At 11,000km the Trans-Siberian Highway is the longest roadtrip in the world. Imagine the A1 north of Newcastle, but with ex-gulags rather than Little Chefs. Do it: Moscow ﬂights £138 with Austrian Airlines (aua.com), Avis car hire from £7 per day (avis.com)
Go noodling Where: South Carolina This is the sport of catching giant ﬂat-head catﬁsh using only your bare hands. Dive into holes, feel about, hope it’s not a ’gator. Do it: okienoodler.com
Bungee like Bond Where: Lake Locarno, Switzerland That mind-blowing bungee jump Pierce Brosnan does over a dam at the beginning of GoldenEye was voted Best Stunt Of All Time for a reason. Do it: £749; snipurl.com/fv7j6
“Bungee!” shouted Christmas tree
FOR HIM MAGAZINE 07/09
Train as a Japanese Samurai Henry Rimmer learns ancient skills from a genuine Master
our sword is quick, the cut is deep and clean. You need only one. Why?” asks the man in the black kimono. He draws a line over his heart with his left hand. In his right he holds a katana, a Samurai sword. It is razor sharp. I don’t know the answer to his question. Four ninjas are crouched on the dojo ﬂoor near me, black-clad, coiled and ready to pounce. The lone female ‘ninjette’ is incredibly hot, but could no doubt snap my sternum in a second. I avoid eye contact. “Because,” the man explains placidly, “our opponent will not suffer, his death will be swift and honourable.” I nod sagely, and inwardly punch the air. The man is a modern day Samurai master. Over the last four hours, I’ve been stood in a dojo in the Tokyo suburb of Ikebukuro – home to a Samurai clan that can trace its origins back to the 12th century. I’ve been thrown, felled, humiliated by speed-of-light
grappling techniques and witnessed ﬁrst hand the legendary – and very real – two-inch punch. I’m living a dream. And any martial art movie buff can, too. In an afternoon, visitors can learn the Samurai’s Bushido code, and train as an elite warrior. Or follow the more morally ambiguous route of the ninja – and learn aspects of the assassination, espionage and “social chaos” they’ve specialised in since the 14th century. Granted, you’re unlikely to leave with the ability to dodge shuriken. But you will get to play with them. Like the ﬁrst time I draw my katana sword and stand poised, concentrating, drawing on the physical and spiritual energy of the thousands of warriors that have lived and fought throughout time. Only the Samurai laughs. My sword is facing the wrong way. Do it: From £90; japanican.com. Henry stayed at the Hotel Villa Fontaine in Shinjuku (hvf.jp) and ﬂew with ANA (ana.co.jp). For more on travelling to Japan visit jnto.go.jp.
NEIL THOMSON, REX, WORLD PICTURE NEWS. ILLUSRATION: RICHARD PHIPPS
Where: Montenegro The ex-communist stronghold just happens to harbour some of the best white water rafting in the world. Pay £37 to run the Tara river rapids for three days and you’ll impress rafters everywhere. Do it: rafting.co.uk
Tame a Mongolian horse
Go bush diving Where: Australia Stop sniggering, this is lethal. Think you can stay alive in 45ºC heat in the shade, with the nearest water 1,000 km away? Learn from the locals how to go walkabout, ﬁnd water and food, and build weapons for hunting. Do it: australianbushsafari.com
Where: Mongolia The Mongol Derby is the toughest horse race in the world. Recreating the old postal route of the great Khaans, 25 participants ride ﬂat out all day and, by night, sleep in yurts. Presumably face-down. Do it: £3,050; mongolderby.theadventurists. FHM’s Henry’s video wasn’t as good as the fat Star Wars kid’s
Pull a barrel roll
Ice climb in a shop
Where: Florida, USA Celebrating the life of bear-wrestling scribe Ernest Hemingway, for £230 you ﬂy a vintage 1941 biplane over his former stomping ground – pulling a barrel roll as you pass his stilt house and skim over the coral reefs of Cotrell Key. Do it: keywestairtours.com
Where: London and Manchester Pop to the Ellis Brigham store in Covent Garden, or North Face in Manchester – and you can pretend you’re on the Eiger for just £20. Think: inside your neglected freezer, but on a much bigger scale. Do it: vertical-chill.com
Become the Stig
Figure-eight banger racing
Where: Across the UK No one can afford a Lamborghini these days – but you can still borrow one for a day. 500hp, a V10 engine, six gears and a roof you’ll bump your head on. All for £85. Do it: treatme.net
Where: Indianapolis These geniuses ensured there would be more crashes by changing the traditional oval into a ﬁgure of eight. Driving experience required, not that it will matter. Do it: speedrome.com
Fly the world’s longest zipline Josh Woodfin experiences two kilometres of 110mph wire-flying
“I thought we were going to wear mustard today lads?” God was a poor ﬁsherman
magine the view: the savannahs of the North West Province of South Africa. Below, the game reserve stretches out into the distance – lions, cheetah, elephants and black rhinos. And then a voice behind me: “Get the parachute out. He’s a big lad and might need slowing down before he hits the pylon.” It’s the one blot in the vista: the 2km-long cable that’s stretching off into the distance. The world’s longest, fastest and highest zip-line. As I’m clipped into a giant papoose and hoisted onto the launch pad, they ask if I’m comfortable; I wonder brieﬂy if it matters. But then they’re counting down “5,4,3,2,1” and my stomach drops out my arse and, for a terrifying moment, I’m heading straight for the ground. It takes a moment for your brain to work out you’re not plummeting to your death, but then you realise, “Hey! I’m not going to die! This is fun.” And it really, really is. Flying above the ground at 180kph, I imagined myself as a vulture scanning the plain for carrion. But you can do engine noises and pretend you’re a jet if you fancy: the point is, if only for a moment, you’re really ﬂying. Or, at least, falling in a controlled fashion. Do it: £25; zip2000.co.za. For hotels visit suninternational.com 07/09
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Take a $1m golf shot Elephant-back safari Where: Pilanesberg Ride an ostrich Enjoy all the wonders and the ‘big Where: Oudtshoorn ﬁve’ in the Pilanesberg National The ostrich is the fastest bird in Park from the safety of the back of the world, able to run at 70kph, an elephant. Because let’s face it: and has a kick that can kill a man. no lions will mess with you while Great facts to remember as you these bad boys have your six. climb onto the ostrich’s back and Do it: sa-venues.com cling onto its neck for dear life as it barrels down a 100m course at Highgate Farm. Do it: highgate.co.za
Where: Limpopo Do you have the eyes of a hawk? Then you could grab $1m – if you land a hole-in-one at the 19th hole of the Legend Golf and Safari Resort. Sadly, however, they’re not referring to the bar, but a green 430m below the tee. Which is on nearby Hanglip Mountain. And is only accessible by helicopter. Do it: legend-resort.com
Run head-ﬁ rst down a cliff Where: Johannesburg A bit like abseiling, ‘rapp running’ involves attaching yourself to a specialist harness before literally running down a cliff face. Expect fear, fun, some knee-scufﬁng. Do it: sa-venues.com
Spear a leviathan Where: Cape Town Real men need nothing more than a spear gun to catch a monster of the deep. Marlin up to 5 metres long can be speared off the coast – but that’s the easy bit. Holding on as they swim at speeds of 110kph? Not so much. Do it: uncoverthecape.co.za
Shoot your mate in a jet ﬁ ghter Where: Cape Town Unreal levels of fun with this private collection of old military jets. Go on ‘bombing’ sorties, break the sound barrier and even dogﬁght with mates. Not cheap, though: prices start from £5,200. Do it: thundercity.com
Track a rhino
Dive with crocs Where: Oudtshoorn Shark diving? Yawn. Head over to Cango Ranch, and you can sit in a cage surrounded by four-meter crocodiles. They have a bite pressure of two tons – that’s four times the great white shark. Do it: sa-venues.com
Where: Northern KwaZulu, Natal Not the most difﬁcult thing, Paraglide the bottom granted. But still, walking on foot through the Pongola Game Reserve of Africa looking for these chubby unicorns Where: Sedgeﬁeld is the experience of a lifetime. And Like ﬂying in a really rickety plane: don’t worry: if they run at you, a this is the only way to experience man with a massive gun is one of the most beautiful stretches standing next to you. of coastline in the world. See Do it: pongolagamereserve.co.za Mossel Bay and the storms river from above, and hock a greenie on an elephant… Do it: paraglidingsa.com
The Springbok tour Heading to South Africa for the 2010 World Cup? Plan it now – for our ex-racist cousins are now the planet’s extreme fun specialists
Where: London One-day workshop on how to take beatings and bullets like a Hollywood fall guy. Hosted by pros who’ve worked on studio sets ranging from Batman to Star Trek the day culminates with an extensive lesson on how to ﬁght, Bourne Identitystyle. Do it: snipurl.com/fhbjn
$1,000,000 pigeon race Where: Sun City In South Africa you can race these rats of the sky and be in with a chance of winning a cool one million. It’s not like it is ‘oop North.’ Do it: scmdpr.com
The Yanks opened the war with typical razzmatazz
FOR HIM MAGAZINE 07/09
Live Guitar Hero competition Where: Derbyshire Challenge a festival full of scrumpy-fuelled metal
heads to a computerised version of dueling banjos at this years Bloodstock festival. Do it: Weekend ticket £100; bloodstock. uk.com
Rock jumping Where: Across the UK Born in the Czech Republic, rock jumping is the bastard son of parkour and rock climbing. Its simplicity, you jumping between rocks, belays its danger. Rocks are hard, sharp and funnyshaped. All bad things when you’re 70ft up. Do it: www.ukclimbing.com
Do the Crumball Rally Where: Across Europe Forget the rich-kids-in-Ferraris-killing-locals formula of other European races; to enter the Crumball Rally, your car can’t cost more than £200. Add a £165 fee, plus ferries etc. Then get annoyed when you break down on the start line. Do it: crumballrally.com
NEIL THOMSON, REX. ILLUSRATION: RICHARD PHIPPS
Become a stuntman
Swing off a 33-storey waterfall One small step for a man, one gigantic leap of faith for Josh Woodfin
E Someone had to go and untangle the garden hose
Josh’s 33storey drop
FHM’s Josh is glad he didn’t wear his white shorts
very single ﬁbre in my body is screaming: don’t do it. But the fear of endless pisstaking back in the ofﬁce outweighs the fear of smashing into the rocks below at 120mph. So, I breathe. I shufﬂe forward. Then jump head-ﬁrst off a 33-storey building. Or rather the natural equivalent thereof. About 120km south of Durban in South Africa lies the Oribi Gorge, a spectacular scar that was carved into the ﬂats of the KwasZulu-Natal by the Mzimkulu river. A breathtaking example of nature’s power, true – but for the nearby Oribi Gorge Hotel, it’s a chance to dick around on ropes. And so, secured in a full body harness, I’ve been strapped into the Wild Swing. I’m perched 130m above the gorge ﬂoor on a rocky outcrop not much bigger than my size 12s. They tell me there are leopards in the area, but a bunch of them could jump out and do a number from Mamma Mia! , and I wouldn’t bat an eyelid. All my concentration is willing me to step off. And I do. Instantly the world falls away and for two seconds I’m in freefall until the rope takes. I snap round and blast into a 100m arc and skim over the rocks at the foot of the Lehrs falls. Then I’m laughing maniacally: I’ve survived! And it was amazing. Despite the fact I’ve essentially just fallen off a cliff, I feel like I’ve really achieved something. After being winched back up the snapper looks at me sheepishly: “If you did want to do it again, I could do with more shots.” I don’t need to be asked twice. I’m invincible. Do it: Onl y £10 a go! See oribigorge.co.za or southafrica.net 07/09
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FHM’s Alan: more Goose than Maverick
Air-race your mates
Alan Kindell realises his least-gay Top Gun fantasies – in, er, Gloucestershire Alan’s course map
Plane couldn’t hold it in
Where: Ashbourne, Derbyshire Two teams of 700 people forcing the ball from one end of town to another. For eight hours. Do it: ashbourne-town.com
Drag hunting Where: Across the UK Drag hunting involves a scented decoy being pulled across the countryside for the hunt to follow. No blood, but good fun. Do it: ruralsports.co.uk
Visit the world’s biggest spy station Where: Harrogate, Yorkshire Menwith Hill is home to the ECHELON system (how the UK/US governments monitor our phonecalls). But they’ll let you visit, to gawp at the famous golfball radar stations. Do it: outandoutnutter.co.uk
FOR HIM MAGAZINE 07/09
Heli-safari the Alps Where: Switzerland Ski across Switzerland, France and Italy. And in the coolest way possible: getting dropped at the top of the each Alp by a sinister black chopper. Do it: From £4,000; snipurl.com/fv77m
Man-themed theme park Where: Stuttgart, Germany The world’s only theme park designed for men. Do it: maennerspielplatz.de
Conquer Le Tour’s toughest climb Where: Provence, France You can cycle the 248km over two days with hotels for £495. Professional cyclists have died there, you can too. Do it: gpm10.com
Saddle was sick of his life
NEIL THOMSON, MARK WATKINS, ANDY ANNABLE AT CAM-ARA.CO.UK, PA. ILLUSRATION: RICHARD PHIPPS
Play mob football
ltimate Three Zero, this is air trafﬁc control. FHM you are clear to race.” “Roger that. I have control.” And so began the most exhilarating three minutes you can experience in Britain. Speciﬁcally at the controls of an Extra 300L: a £200k, 9-litre, 300bhp stunt plane. A 250mph Lamborghini with wings. As a fan of Red Bull air racing, I’d watched the sport’s popularity, er, sky-rocket. But now, for a little under £400, at an airﬁeld in Gloucestershire, I was about to do it, too. The challenge, as ex-RAF man Mark ‘Greeners’ Greenﬁeld briefed us that morning, is an 8-mile course where you perform a series of moves and stunts such as “quadro gate” and “half-Cuban”. The race is against four other Maverick-wannabes to be king of the skies. But the thrill? Just how quickly you actually ﬂy the thing yourself. You’re briefed, get a quick run-through on opening your
Plane’s nostril hair was out of control
Giant Post-It Note stalked the local farm
Do the reverse bungee
Go ‘extreme’ at home
Poor? Agoraphobic? In prison? Turn your home into an adventure playground
TRELLIS CLIMBING Begin with a nursery slope – say, by ‘summiting’ your shed. Get the basics down: belaying with washing line, gaining footholds in the clematis armandii, using twine as a karabiner etc. Then attempt the domestic equivalent of K2: the dangerous ‘north face of the kitchen extension’.
in their natural habitat: cleaning, preening, shitting in the DVD player… Oblivious to your presence, they may even start talking in upper-class English voices. Just like you’d always suspected.
Empty cartons of Ariel into the bath, turn on the taps PET SAFARI and leave for an hour. Now Block the cat ﬂap, then retreat to your ‘hide’: use the ‘good’ towels to channel the deluge down a pile of throw cushions in the lounge. Motionless, the stairs, select a large tea tray and… push off. You’ll you can then observe Puss and ‘Mr Woof Woof’ gather speed quickly, so
parachute, followed by a morning lesson and full practice run, then – after lunch – you’re racing it yourself. For real. Of course, Greeners sits behind me – he takes care of the take-off and makes sure that when I do take control, any of my death-defying moves don’t end in actual death. Circling at 2,000ft, clearance comes from the tower and we’re in full ﬂyboy mode. A push on the stick sends the plane into a dive as we rush towards the start gate 1,300ft below us at 200mph+. The next few minutes are a blur of tight turns with four times the force of gravity pushing my body hard into the seat, my eyes desperately looking out of the top of the canopy to spot the next gate, all while trying to remain as smooth as possible in the air to maintain speed and not lose time. The half-Cuban is a combination of sky, earth, weightlessness and panic, and before I know it I’m on the home straight egging the propeller towards the ﬁnish line. “Woo hoo! Good time, FHM! Good time!” shouts Greeners, as he takes back the controls and does a few celebratory stall turns. And all of my Top Gun fantasies (apart from ‘the volleyball one’) have come true. After a few penalties for clipping a gate, my time of 3min 28secs isn’t the fastest, but I ﬁnish third, just behind two licensed pilots. “I’m not blowing smoke up your arse here,” Greeners tells us, “but for a novice I’d give you 8.5 out of ten. ” Not bad going, really – and as we ‘Foxtrot Oscar’ home, there’s a grin the size of a 747 on our face. Do it: Visit ultimatehigh.co.uk for more
gaffer-tape a pillow to the radiator. And one to your head, for when your girlfriend arrives home and starts screaming.
GARAGE POTHOLING Remember the awe of the last time you looked in the garage for the coolbox? It was like opening an Egyptian tomb! Rekindle this wonder by strapping on a head torch, crawling through the dog ﬂap and searching this hallowed place for ‘priceless relics’. Behold! Half a bag of cement and a dead moth!
Where: Cusco, Peru You stay tethered to the ground – while your elastic cord is stretched 393ft in the air. Close your eyes, wait for the nice Peruvian to cut the rope, ping, sky, earth, sky.... Ace! Do it: £42; snipurl.com/fhu9j
Survive 1984 Where: Vilnius, Lithuania Pay £31 and you’ll be interrogated by KGB ofﬁcers and have orders barked at you. Woo. Do it: sovietbunker.com
Max Cat 6x6 off roaders Where: Reading, Berkshire Spend a day piling through puddles, pulling epic skids and wanting to stay. 07/09
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Jenna Jamesonâ€™s gynaecologist got to work
Scuba dive between two tectonic plates Chris Bell slightly sullies a geological phenomenon in Iceland
FOR HIM MAGAZINE 07/09
The Silfra Rift in Iceland
The Silfra Rift, Icleand
ERLENDUR PÓR MAGNÚSSON
tood in my pants on a drizzly subArctic moorland, I’m shivering and worrying. I’m at Thingvellir in Iceland, a rare point where two major tectonic plates meet above ground. In front of me is the gap between the North American plate and Eurasian plate: a 6mwide, 150m-deep trench of water called the Silfra Rift. Where, foolishly, I’ve opted to scuba dive. True, it’s been getting 2cm wider every year, but there’s still the tiny possibility that it’ll slam shut while we’re in it. A freak magma surge, a deafening rumble, and… crunch: suddenly I’m a slightly startled fossil. But there are other concerns. The water here comes from a glacier 50km away, ﬁltering through the intervening lava ﬁeld over 15 years. This makes Silfra ofﬁcially the clearest dive site in the world. But it also makes it freezing, at just 1ºC. My second fear: if I do become a fossil, it’d be nice to not have a tiny cock. Future palaeontologists might point and laugh. Already laughing, however, is my divemaster Hedinn. He hilariously recalls a 6.2-strength earthquake only last summer “which narrowed a few of the trenches”. But he’s dived here over 1,000 times, and is as excited as ever. And as we descend the metal steps into the ﬁrst of over 250m of channels, I can see why. The word “breathtaking” doesn’t do it justice. It’s incredible. Sure, at certain points, it’s narrow enough to touch America and Europe. But it’s the 100m visibility that makes you choke on your mouthpiece. Rock walls tower either side of you; further on, experienced divers can explore endless caves. The numbness in your face is soon forgotten – this is a proper, once-in-a-lifetime experience. No wonder, then, that as soon as we surface, we’re eager to dive again. Hedinn smiles knowingly. I spit to clean my mask; in my excitement, a brownish lump of phlegm falls out. Hedinn frowns. So much for 15 years of water puriﬁcation.Do it: Dives from £156; diveiceland.com or adventures.is. Flights from £69; icelandexpress.com FHM’s Chris does his best Adrian Chiles impression
Rally in a mototaxi
Scuba dooba do! Six other incredible dive sites around the world
Dive on the German ﬂeet Where: The Orkney Islands Show your contempt for the Boche by weeing on their famous battle cruiser Derfﬂinger at Scapa Flow. Do it: scapascuba.co.uk Survive where Irwin didn’t Where: Great Barrier Reef The largest coral system in the world with not just Steve Irwin-spiking rays: there are dolphins, turtles, whales and tins of XXXX. Do it: divethereef.com Dive with hammerheads Where: Mexico El Bajo is known as Hammerhead City, as the number of sharks hanging around often reaches 200. Do it: divequest.co.uk Swim with bona ﬁde killers Where: Norway Ever seen that episode of Blue Planet when the killerwhale ﬂicks the seal in the air? Be that seal. Do it: tysfjord-turistsenter.no Break some ruins Where: Greece Until recently, the Greeks restricted diving around the Ionians. They’ve been lifted however, so now you can roam this largely unexplored trove of ancient relics. Do it: divingcorfu.com Dive into a war-zone Where: Sri Lanka Tourist numbers have dwindled due to the ﬁghting around Nilaveli, but the diving is ace. Do it: tangerinehotels.com
Where: Paraguay via Peru Put-put your way across 4000 kms in a tuk-tuk through jungles the Andes mountains. Do it: mototaxijunket.theadventurists.com
Drive over a glacier Where: Iceland Leave your AA membership at home: they won’t ﬁnd you on the Tindfjallajökull, a vast 19km2 glacier on a dormant Icelandic volcano. Drive your Toyota Double Cab out at dawn, splash though the rivers, sledge the slopes after lunch. Do it: 4x4.is
Rock fishing Where: Across the UK Rock ﬁsherman want none of that peaceful stuff. They’d rather hunt for prime cod while perched on a boulder far out to sea in the dead of winter. Do it: seaﬁshingandwalking.co.uk
See India from a zipline Where: India. Duh The 15th century Neemrana Fort Palace, 122km from New Delhi, is a historical ‘must-see’ that’s just got a thousand times more exciting. Do it: £15 per tour; ﬂyingfox.asia
River surfing Where: Queenstown, New Zealand Scared of losing their adventure crown, the Kiwis grasp at straws by removing all rafts and start sending people down rapids on little boogie boards. Do it: riversurﬁng.co.nz
Be the first Iraq tourist Where: Baghdad Okay, not the ﬁrst. But Hinterland Travel resumed their guided tours in March. Now, for £1,900 (plus ﬂights), a 16-day tour starts in Baghdad and ends in Basra, when you or your body is shipped home. Do it: hinterlandtravel.com 07/09
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Fly the world’s only aerobatic airline Tom Howard finds peanuts and duty free unnecessary
Caption to go here please
Downhill skateboard Where: Across the UK Travel at the national speed limit wearing nothing but a pair of leather overalls. It’s really good fun, till you get to one of those pesky corners… Do it: ukgsa.org
Dive below zeroº Where: Russia The White Sea is Europe’s only ice-covered sea. Underneath the pack, however, are ice arches and cavities with great visibility, mercury at 2 below. Do it: ice-diving.co.uk
Toboggan in the dark Where: Val Thorens, France Pure idiocy. For £15, you get a helmet light, a thin plastic sledge, a cable car to the 3000m-high Peclet Glacier, and no instruction whatsoever. Do it: valthorens.com
Cave diving Where: Across the UK It’s like every nightmare most people have wrapped into one. Do it: cavedivinggroup.org.uk
“Neeeeoooowww!” said FHM’s Tom, still on the ground
his’ll beat your package ﬂight to Magaluf this year guaranteed. Rock up to the Sywell Aerodrome near Northampton and you’ll meet four ex-RAF, ex-Red Arrows pilots who know how to ﬂy – hard. They are The Blades. And if doing loop the loops and twinkle rolls in a stunt plane with three buddies ﬂying alongside you sounds fun, they’re your heroes. And mine, despite the taste of puke in my mouth and G-force hangover I had for two days after landing. But having had a sick bag popped into my harness (“just in case”) before ﬂying upside down 3,000 feet in the air at 150mph with a man I’d known for an hour, a funny burp and not dying horribly was a good result. Not that a bad result was an option,
because the pilots are man-crush-worthy champions of the sky who’ve fought in wars and left the Red Arrows to ﬂy, instead, with ofﬁcially the world’s only aerobatic airline. And although you can’t do everything The Blades do (largely because your skull would come out of your mouth and your eyes would explode), they’ll rekindle your love of everything Ryanair’s made you hate. And consider this. Currently, the planet’s tallest and fastest rollercoaster is the Tower Of Terror at Gold Reef City in South Africa. On that you endure a world-record 6.3Gs. Fly with the Blades, and you’ll suffer a brainmelting nine. Do it: Around £1,000 per head (based on four people ﬂying); theblades.biz
Track a tiger at night Where: India The kind of safari that sees you visit the Satpura Tiger Reserve, strap on infra-red goggles and stake out in the hope of seeing tigers hunting. Do it: £160 per night; forsythlodge.com
Canyoning experience Where: Aberdovey Slide down soaking rock faces, clamber over boulders and shatter ankles as you make your way down Perthshire’s most unstable waterways! Do it: exelement.co.uk
Be like Kes Where: Across the UK Popular among Arab princes, falconry involves using raptors to hunt. And that is cool. 074
FOR HIM MAGAZINE 07/09
At your own risk
Unofﬁcial, unsupervised and unwise unless you know what you’re doing
45 MPH IN A CANOE GO BEHIND Where: Wales Because strapping your legs into a tiny unstable plastic boat isn’t dangerous enough. Last November thrill-seekers were spotted hurtling down the spillway at Llyn Brianne reservoir. You can hit 45mph – before being catapulted into the air like a doll. Do it: This video says it all: snipurl.com/fovvp
CYCLE INTO THE DARK, FAST
SEE SECRET UK UNDERGROUND
Where: Buffalo, NY Another one to arrange yourself. Behind Niagara lie enormous hydroelectric power stations. Hidden from view and semi-sealed they’re rich catnip to anyone with curiosity, ropes and a torch. Do it: Visit vanishingpoint.ca for tips
Where: Anywhere Bored of endangering your life cycling on roads? Then endanger yourself off them. Grab a head torch, some decent bike lights and head off-road. Just be alert for walls, fences, sheep, trees, houses etc. Do it: Try nightmtbexperience.co.uk for advice
Where: Nationwide Bored of daylight, enthusiasts are now logging the remnants of Britain’s past. Breaking into disused Cold War bunkers, Tube stations, power plants, messing about. Do it: subbrit.org.uk has a nerdish amount of info
Fly a WWII bombing run Where: Various USA airfields Get some war-themed air thrills where you man a gun turret aboard a beautifully restored B-17G Flying Fortress. Do it: £267; b17.org
Ride a rodeo cow The Disco Train hits The Alps
Where: Missouri, USA Enjoy the great American tradition of trying to hold on to the back of an unhinged animal as it tries to buck you off and tear you open with its horns. Do it: sankeyrodeo.com
Go extreme boar hunting Where: Tennesee, USA Minutes from the Jack Daniel’s distillery, a group of good ol’ boys will take you out to see corned hogs up close and personal. That’s 600 pounds of angry gristle, muscle and, hopefully, dinner. Do it: tnboar.com
Shunning ET’s offer of a hand-job, FHM’s Chris hits the bar
Ride the disco train Chris Bell climbs aboard the fastest nightclub in the West
he trick – as sadly only a few of the passengers seem to discover – is to get so drunk that the movement of the danceﬂoor and your own bollocksed swaying cancel each other out. Although being fair, it’s not easy: when the nightclub you’re dancing in happens to be barrelling through the quiet French countryside at about 125mph. Welcome to the Snow Train, the best-kept secret of skiers and snowboarders for the last 20 years – and, if you’re heading to The Alps this winter, the only way to travel. It’s certainly the easiest: you jump on the Eurostar at St Pancras on a Friday at 5.30pm, walk across the platform at Paris’ Gare Du Nord, and wake up in The Alps the next morning. Plus it’s more convenient than ﬂying: as it stops at Moutiers (for Val Thorens) and Bourg St Maurice (Les Arcs), there are no coach transfers, and you get an extra two days skiing per week, on what are traditionally transfer days. True, it’s not luxurious; the couchette sleepers are a little ‘Soviet’. But you won’t be sleeping. Instead, buy booze and food before you board, then wander down to coach seven – the ‘Disco Carriage’, recently reﬁtted with a
DJ booth, laser light system and full bar. And then wait for the confusion to set it – as your drunken brain tries to stay upright and remember the words to Don’t Stop Movin’, while staring at endless wheatﬁelds screaming past outside the window. Do it: Prices start at £229; raileurope.co.uk
Be an arm wrestling champion Where: Lancashire Take it out of the pub and into the big league. Do it: armwrestling.co.uk
Surf down a volcano Where: Nicaragua Pah – lawyers go surﬁng these days. Proper thrill-seekers scale the 728m of Cerro Negro, and surf back down, passing over warm ashes on a board. Do it: £2,599; blacktomato.co.uk
Climb the world’s tallest tree Where: California Once in California’s Lassen, Chico and Redwood national parks you can clamber over gigantic arboreal beauties that can grow as high as 380ft. Do it: £939; awwt.co.uk
Fly… underwater Where: Nevada, USA The Super Aviator is a winged submarine with room for two. Do it: £1,800; incredible-adventures.com
One way or another Cambridge would ﬁnish
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The ball boys got a raw deal during extreme tennis
Climb the world’s highest ladder
“It’s a bit of a commute, but it’s got great views,” said the estate agent
Caption to go here please
Or, if you’re Stuart Hood, lie dying, while others do
FOR HIM MAGAZINE 07/09
heart is booming audibly. In fact, it feels like it’s pushing my eyes out. Add in altitude sickness, sunburn and multiple cramps, and if, say, you were a perilously unﬁt Scottish alcoholic, failure would probably be an option. Well, I am. And it was. In short, I failed. Sorry. I ﬂew all the way to Malaysia, then gave way – collapsing at 3,300m and unable to go on. Apologies, then, to both my colleagues and the readers. I can offer only this in support: I asked my climbing companion Duncan what the via ferrata was like. “Best thing I’ve ever done,” he reveals. “But it is hairy in places – the worst being the wafer-thin suspension bridge. It’s hellish – dangling 3,600m above ground.” And the vertical cliff face descent? “Not as bad as you’d think. Kind of like wing walking, just without the wing.” Sounds nice, eh? Do it: £350; mountaintorq.com
FAILED! While FHM’s Stuart cries like a girl, his companions carry on
DUNCAN MADDEN, ULI JOOSSE, REX
ooking back, the world’s highest anything was always going to be a problem. Yet before actually standing in 30ºC heat staring up at Borneo’s Mount Kinabalu, I hadn’t appreciated that the planet’s loftiest ‘via ferrata’ (Italian for iron way) might be tough to get to. Cue carnage. A haphazard, embarrassing mission failure that makes Captain Scott’s Antarctic expedition seem ‘well planned’. Or ‘adequately clothed’. It sounded simple. Walk Mount Kinabalu’s Low’s Peak Circuit – a 763m-long mountain path, equipped with ﬁxed cables and ladders, that allow crap climbers to traverse sheer rock-faces after only minimal instruction (my safety brieﬁng lasted 20 minutes). Only problem? It sits 8km up a mountain path and some 3,800m above sea level. And while guidebooks say Mount Kinabalu is the planet’s easiest mountain to climb, by the time I reach the 6.5km ‘rest house’ my
Go ice driving Paul French tears Lapland a new one in a Merc
Off-roading in Land Rovers Where: Northamptonshire Climb into a new 4x4 at picturesque Rockingham Castle – then hammer through mud, lakes and crevasses while screaming “get some!” at trees. Do it: £160; offroadmasters.com
Go cave-tubing Where: New Zealand A wet suit, a helmet, a torch and an inner tube: the perfect ingredients for black water rafting through underground river caves. Do it: £80; waitomo.com
Urban assault ride Where: All over the US A two-wheeled scavenger hunt that involves teams bombing around cities completing tasks. Do it: urbanassaultride.com
Tough Guy challenge Where: Staffordshire Run eight miles through some of the roughest terrain in Britain. Do it: toughguy.co.uk
Rope swing society
orget Father Christmas. And Formula One safety car driver), spending six Rudolph. At the Mercedes AMG hours a day in a car has never been such a driving academy, just 100km from treat. And it’s easy: just nod lots when the the Arctic Circle, the guests eat instructors talk about “ample transverse reindeer. The lodge – a luxurious compound dynamics” and “optimal learning success”, of leather sofas and open ﬁres – is where then revert to making screeching noises and AMG owners (or prospective owners) come pretending you’re in a getaway the moment to master the ability to drive really fast cars you’re driving solo. on ice. Just because. It’s a bit like going joyriding, but with It’s dawn and the group is standing better scenery. And it doesn’t matter if you on a heavily frozen lake, gawping at the ﬂeet spin uncontrollably off the track, because of 25 glistening Mercedes AMGs there’s nothing to crash into, just shallow (all specially equipped with data recording snow. Mercedes AMG has taken the most Caption to go equipment and spiked tyres). We’re told to exhilarating and satisfying feeling achievable here please “just grab one”. It’s a surreal moment. Do in a car – the perfectly executed power slide they know I’ve got three points on my – and put it on a plate. A beautiful, licence? What if we hit a moose? shimmering, tree-lined Arctic plate. Do it: £3,540 per person for three nights; But, with world-class instruction from the mercedes-amg.com likes of Bernd Mayländer (the current
“I’m not bloody lost!” insisted Dad
Caption to go here please
FHM’s Paul: even smaller than Hammond
Where: Across the UK Join the rope swing forum to ﬁnd Britain’s most secret, and lethal, rope swings. Do it: http://tiny.cc/pkPc3
Surf tailor-made waves Where: New Zealand Nine days’ of heli-surﬁng with wave experts ferry you searching for the cleanest barrels. Do it: blacktomato.co.uk
Cruise with spies Where: Istanbul Operation Istanbul is a 12-day cruise around the Black Sea with exmembers of the CIA, RCMP and KGB. Do it: spytrek.com
The Fast & The Fjordious gave the franchise fresh legs 07/09
FOR HIM MAGAZINE 077
Safari on a Segway
AND ONE CRAP ONE!
If the last 100 were a bit too much like hard work for you…
Urban orienteering Where: Across the UK This combines navigational skills with high levels of ﬁtness as you attempt to ﬁnd markers while bombing around a city. No longer the preserve of scouts. Do it: urbanleague.nopesport.com
Segway dogging: slow
Go ice-diving Where: Les Gets, French Alps Outstanding, Cliffhanger-esque opportunity to dart under iced water, minus the need to aggressively tussle with a megalomaniac’s henchman. Do it: snipurl.com/fhbyb
Dr Livingstone burned away from the natives
estroy your dignity and your Achilles tendons in one afternoon! When I stepped onto the platform of the innocuous looking vehicle, it zoomed off like Stephen Hawking being spooked by a wasp. But soon we were zipping through Pilanesberg National Park at a steady… 12mph. Yep: Segways are so daft, that even a herd of gazelle – the nervous, panicky little girls of the natural world – were completely unthreatened by our sticky-out bums and whirring future vehicles. But that made us think how exposed we were. Surely lions couldn’t outrun a mighty Segway? Do it: segway.co.za
Create a dust storm Where: Sierra Nevada, Spain Not for amateurs – you need off-road biking experience, plus a decent ﬁtness level. But the 3% of us that leaves can cut loose on the dust tracks of Spain’s most picturesque mountain range. Do it: £485; redtread.com
Go to cowboy school Where: Colorado, USA Across the Colorado Cattle Company ranch, there is 1,000 head of cattle that, for £235, you can learn to corral, lasso and then kill and eat. Do it: coloradocattlecompany.com
FHM’s Josh fails his Transformers audition
“Is it cheaper if I bring my own bungee rope?” ALTERNATIVE VIA FERRATA
Where: Teesside Where: Keswick, Cumbria Forget your African buzzard For £25, clamber along a series swoops: real men jump into the of iron rung hand and footholds River Tees. Pay £60, climb the drilled into the rockface and a 210 steps to the top of the long zip-line between two cliff Middlesbrough transporter faces, while following a Victorian bridge, walk 150ft out into the miners’ route to the summit of danger zone – and then dive Fleetwith Pike, at 2,126ft. 170ft. Do it: honister-slate-mine.co.uk Do it: exelement.co.uk
FOR HIM MAGAZINE 07/09
ALTERNATIVE SAFARI Where: Dorset Hemingway didn’t hunt here, and the indigenous people aren’t known for their hospitality, but Dorset hosts Britain’s ﬁnest safari: Monkey World. For just £9, shake hands with a woolly monkey and marvel at how ugly a stump-tailed macaque is. Do it: monkeyworld.org
BRITAIN’S LONGEST ZIPLINE
RIDE BRITAIN ON A DIRT BIKE
Where: Aberfoyle, Scotland Award-winning forest adventure where you run across rope bridges like Indiana Jones before shuttling off a 400mlong, 150ft-high zipwire over a 90ft waterfall. Do it: goape.co.uk
Where: Harpenden Join and like-minded petrolheads will design a monster route for you, from easy to poo-panty hard. Expect mud, speed and a face-plant in muddy ravine. Do it: thegreenlanecrew. co.uk
NEIL THOMSON, CORBIS, REX
For the credit-crunched adventurer – ﬁve thrill rides...
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