Im sitting on the curb outside the motel room now, observing as cars and people pass by, it all looks blurry. Its the same motel where he told me he was leaving for tour, that he had a shot to make it big and he couldn’t have me holding him back anymore. He was in a band, not a very popular one when we met but it was only the beginning. “I’m happy for you” I lied, how could I be, It had all gone to shit. He was leaving me in the dust, and he wanted me to be happy for him. But, I didn’t feel that way, I hit fuck it, I was sick of waiting up for him and wasting time. Every time.
I sit up and light a cigarette. It became this big production, it’s all gone downhill. To him I’m just some wide eyed thing from a hopeless town, that he happened to pick up on his way to the fabulous bright lights. “Is that what you want me to say?” “That i’m fucking happy for you?” The whole thing was a disaster, we both said things we shouldnt have, until we were too tired to fight for whatever it was we were fighting for. I woke up the next morning with smudged eyeliner, messy hair, and an empty spot next to me.
That was a long time ago and I still can’t seem to pick myself up out of the gutter. The days just blur into nights, the world is all one big haze, but I don’t really mind it. II think of him often, its hard not to when his band is playing on all the radio stations. An old pickup truck pulls into the parking spot in front of my room at the motel. I can faintly hear one of his songs playing on the radio before the engine is shut off.
The song was about me, that fuck became a star writing hate songs about me. The truck belongs to a man who pays me to spend nights with him sometimes, he’s double my age. “Hey Darlin,” he says as he walks over to me. “What are you doin out here?” I stand up and start my act, pretend like i’m not broken. It’s all just a goddamn fucking lie, it’s just my goddamn fucking life. I want to run away and never come back to this shitty town.
â€œIt makes me feel carefree, young, and crazy. I think of love and music.â€?
“Maybe a sense of recklessness”
“It looks real grunge”