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you never bought me flowers

neichelle loh


a collection of snapshots and words that i wish i said earlier ••• dedicated to the first time i said “i love you” and meant it


24 feb 2015 9:25pm promising myself i will never let u be important enough for me to write a poem about u 3 mar 2015 12:28am for a few weeks i had absolutely no feelings about anybody at all and then yesterday a wave of emotion hit me and i’m so in love with so many people but at the same time i don’t really care 4 mar 2015 1:43am i haven’t felt like a real person in weeks 12 mar 2015 12:35am i don’t care about u so why do i care about who ur kissing 16 mar 2015 6:42pm i’m drinking a bud light lime and it reminds me of last summer and of swimming in pools and of being depressed and wanting to die and i don’t know if it’s a seasonal thing but it’s funny how i always drink this bullshit when i feel the most awful about my life 26 apr 2015 9:08pm all ive done for the past few weeks is cry and take some combo of xanax / trazadone to knock myself out every night because being alive sucks a lot right now and i’m not doing well

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i spent a month with a stone face walking away from you without looking back to see what your face is like when i leave you it took me six hours to say, “i think we should stop seeing each other” i said, “i don’t want to feel like this is something it isn’t” i said, “i’m scared of letting you become the person i want to go to when i get sad” you told me, “you don’t have to so independent all the time. you don’t have to be scared of needing someone. i can be there for you. i want to be there for you.” i crumbled for you and your touch in the most ungraceful way

[4]


02 april 2015 i do not i do not i do not know what i want from you or what i am moving towards i am not used to your words or this honesty i wish you had met me at a time where i was less comfortable being alone but maybe it is a good thing that we met when i didn’t need you

[5]


CHOKE CHOKE CHOKE CHOKE

ME ME ME ME

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YOU TOOK ME TO THE BEACH YOU LAID A BLANKET DOWN ON THE SAND AND MADE US SIT IN THE TALL DUNES AND IT IS QUIET AND THE MOON IS BIG AND I DON’T KNOW WHICH ONE IS THE NORTH STAR I THINK THE OCEAN COULD SWALLOW ME WHOLE AND NO ONE WOULD NOTICE I WAS GONE I AM DRUNK BUT I FEEL SAFE BUT I KEEP THINKING ABOUT YESTERDAY WHEN YOU WERE SO MEAN TO ME YOU YELLED AND SAID CRUEL THINGS AND I WAS SO DISAPPOINTED IN YOU I WAS DISENCHANTED AND UNSURE OF WHO YOU WERE SO WHY DOES IT FEEL SO MUCH LIKE I’M FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU WHILE I’M LOOKING AT YOUR FACE RIGHT NOW I DIDN’T THINK I WOULD THINK OF THIS MOMENT BEFORE I FELL ASLEEP EVERY NIGHT FOR THE NEXT YEAR [9] [9]


[10]


15 may 2015: 10:45PM i hate summer, i hate relapsing into this fucking deep depression cycle, i hate that i knew it was coming, i hate being awake, i hate trying 1 jun 2015 9:07pm he broke up with me today and i don’t even have anything bad to say about him. i have never in my life so selflessly loved somebody and their wellbeing and i have never had anyone in my life treat me with such respect. i tried so hard but i fucked up and i failed. i lost the best thing that has ever happened to me. i feel so helplessly heartbroken 3 jun 2015: 1:14am i love you so much

[12]


the happiest i have ever been was the night we got back together i said something that made you laugh and you smiled the biggest i had ever seen i started crying because i was so relieved to see you happy next to me again

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I W RO T E A S H I T T Y P O E M T I T L E

I WA S F O R E V E RY T H I N G I D I D W

I D I D N O T H I N G B U T L OV E YO U

W I T H YO U B U T YO U RO L L E D Y I WA S S A D A N D YO U I G N O R E D

N E E D E D H E L P A N D YO U T O L D M

F O R YO U T O F I T T I M E F O R M E I N

I R E A L LY D O N’T T H I N K I A S K E D

T H I N K I R E A L LY H AT E YO U F O R GRANTED BUT JUST BECAUSE

D O N’T LOV E YO U B U T J U S T B E CA

I S H O U L D B E W I T H YO U O R AC M E L I K E A N AC C E S S O RY A N D [15] [15]


D “RO O T S” A B O U T H OW S O R RY

W RO N G B U T T H E N I R E A L I Z E D

U A N D WA N T T O S P E N D T I M E

YO U R E Y E S E V E RY T I M E I S A I D M E E V E RY T I M E I T O L D YO U I

M E I T WA S N E A R LY I M P O S S I B L E

N T O YO U R L I F E A N Y M O R E A N D

D F O R T H AT M U C H F RO M YO U I

R T H E WAY YO U T O O K M E F O R I H AT E YO U D O E S N’T M E A N I

A U S E I LOV E YO U D O E S N’T M E A N

C C E P T T H E WAY YO U T R E AT E D S I D E P RO J E C T I N YO U R L I F E [16] [16]


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i wake up every morning at 6am clawing at the knot in my chest i cant get out of bed i want to throw up i cant breathe yet im breathing too much i want to be asleep i dont want to be awake anymore ever again i want to be dead the best part of the day is when i wake up for a split second and dont feel anything i want to be dead i dont want to keep thinking about how monotonous it will be to endlessly lie in bed for the rest of my life clawing at the knot in my chest i cant get out of bed i want to die i cant breathe i want to die i dont want to be away anymore i want to die i want to die i want to die i wa

[18]


i wish i remembered what it felt like to walk barefoot on my driveway, i wish i remembered what it felt like to push back my cuticles, i wish i remembered what it felt like to pull jeans on over my legs, to coat cream on my hands, to double-click, to push a straw through the lid of a cup, to scrape tape off of walls, to slip on hardwood floor, to open a car door, to hold your hand, to pull your hair out of your head, to scratch at your skin, to pull your hair out of my sheets, to hold your hand, to hold your hand, to hold your hand,

[19]


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i am far too exhausted to write any more love letters addressed to you

neichelle@gmail.com


you never bought me flowers