Pushing The Limits

I turned my head, listening to his heart as I looked out the window. Just like always, the world continued. People left and entered the hospital.

Cars scurried to their destination points. And as glad as I was to have gotten through to my father, I knew my destination wasn’t here.

“You know those times I left town to sell my paintings?” I pulled back, but my father kept his arm around me even as he turned his head and glanced away. The quiet, painful recognition that he’d lost control of me several weeks ago was still evident on his face.

“Yes.” How exactly should I explain this? “I slept through the night while I was gone.”

“Echo, that’s great!”

And he didn’t understand. “It made me realize I need to find a space of my own. When I graduate from high school, I’m moving out.”

It had to be said, but I regretted the heaviness that returned to my father. He rubbed my shoulder. “I know I’ve made mistakes. I can’t tell you how many nights I’ve sat up and watched those brief precious hours that you actually slept and wondered how I could make all of your problems disappear. I know it wasn’t good enough, but I did the best I could by you. No matter how hard I tried, I could never find a way to fix you.”

The image in my head made sense. I was a broken vase and my father’s tight reign was the glue. He thought if he pressed hard enough, I’d go back to normal.

“You really tried with Mom, didn’t you?” My conversation with her had made me rethink everything she raised me to believe.

His tone grew hoarse. “I loved her, Echo. She was that someone that tilted my universe. But I loved you and Aires more. I tried everything possible to minimize the effects of her behavior on the two of you. I became what they call an enabler until I finally realized that the only person who could help your mother was herself.”

My father wiped at his face and I pretended that maybe he had dust on it. “I came home one night and found you and Aires in your bedroom closet, hiding from her. It wasn’t the first time, but I swore to myself it would be the last. I couldn’t change your mom, but I could take care of the two of you. I hired Ashley full-time and told your mother that if she didn’t get it together I’d file for divorce.

“You were too young to remember, but your mother did try and there were periods where she stayed on her medication and did fine. When she got really bad, I’d admit her to a psychiatric hospital. The cycle never ended. From good to okay, from okay to bad, from bad to the hospital and then back to good. One night I came home from visiting her at the hospital and I found Ashley reading to you in your room. You sat on her lap, played with her hair and looked at her like she hung the moon. She helped Aires with his science project and recorded his basketball game. She even cooked you guys dinner and warmed me up leftovers.

“Ashley brought a sense of normal into a house where normal was hard to come by. I swear, Echo, neither of us meant to fall in love. Sometimes life happens.”

Maybe my father and I were more alike than I’d ever imagined. We both craved normal. Nerves swelled inside. “Am I like Mom?” He looked at me from the corner of his eye. “Is this a trick question?”

My eyes pleaded, hoping he wouldn’t make me spell it out. He rubbed my shoulder again. “You have her beauty, her artistic talent and her tenacity if that’s what you mean.”

Was he saying I was stubborn? Wait until he got to know Noah. “Anything else?”

“Your mother never would have uttered to anyone those words you just said to Ashley … or to me. You’re your own person, Echo, and I’m proud to be your father.”

The nerves went away and I rested my head on him. “Thanks, Daddy.”

“Give me another chance. I promise to let you run your own life. Anyhow, I think Ashley is going to be overwhelmed with Alexander. She didn’t start babysitting you until well after you were potty-trained.”

What a crazy, crazy world I lived in. My teenage babysitter, turned nanny, turned stepmother, had given birth to my new brother. I wanted so badly to give my dad the answer he wanted and make him happy, but then I wouldn’t be true to the person I was beginning to believe I was. “Honestly, Daddy, it has nothing to do with chances. That house is full of memories. Some of them are wonderful and some … aren’t. I spent years hoping and praying and plotting for a life I never really had to begin with. I’m scared if I stay, I’ll keep looking back and never look forward.”

“Funny.” But he didn’t laugh. “Aires said the same thing when he enlisted. Promise me you’ll come home and visit. You’re my baby, too.”

I wrapped both of my arms around him and he hugged me. “I promise.”