Kokoa Magazine

Looking back now and thinking of my decisions to avoid failure, all I seem to be stuck with in the present is "coulda, shoulda, woulda." If failure was a masochist, regret would be its aphrodisiac. A life full of regret is bleak. A life full of regret that could have been avoided is dispiriting.

When we are younger we imagine what our lives will be like and where we'll be in our highlight years of 21, 25, 30, 35, 40, 50 and so on. For the elite few that were able to scratch off every goal written in their diaries by each desired age-KUDOS; but for the rest of us who have fallen a bit short of that goal list we made years ago...what are we left with? Does are shortcomings mean that we are losers or failures in this game called life, or are we only failures if we allow that to be our state of mind and idea of perception that we accept?

There are some days that I have that are so full of disappointment of my life progression that I want to just lay in fetal position under the covers and never come out. I feel helpless, hopeless and embarrassed. Everyday trials in reaching your goals such as finances, education, etc is enough of a downer to deal with-just to top it off with competition. Human beings tend to be naturally competitive creatures but competition can take its toll on a individual when they define themselves through the comparison of others around them.

I have always been a perfectionist and more importantly a dreamer. My dreams are what keep me going half of the time. Its what instills hope in my mind-in my safe imagination where I am exactly who I want to be, where I want to be and with the people I want to share it with. That luxury alone of living that reality even with my eyes closed is enough to fill my head with enough drive to say, "just one more try."

What has managed to actually open my eyes and attempt to make my dreams a reality is the realization that every new day that God allows me to open my eyes and breathe should be used as a new start or another chance for me to do the things that I want to do and become the person who I want to be; my past and possibility of failure is nonexistent because of opportunity; and until God does call home, I take every new day as another chance to pursue my dreams.

The older you get the more clear it becomes that life doesn't always play out the way you wanted or expected. Sometimes it doesn't matter how far ahead you try and prepare, how many back up plans for back up plans you have or how many stars you wish on.

From the single mother trying to go back and complete school, to the college sophomore working full time on the side to afford her full time school work load tuition, to the husband and father working 3 part time minimum wage jobs to support his family, to the recent high school grad trying to find his path between becoming an independent working adult or dependent college student to the young lady that seems so put together but is falling apart on the inside...everyone has a story and is going through something. The problem is when we begin to let this setbacks define us and therefore we lose hope. Once this cycle stops, healing can begin; and this can only proceed through the realization that we are not defined by how hard we fall, but on rather or not we choose to get back up.