Carry a Tune
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About the time the peasants started to revolt, I was done with Cinderella. Yes, I was tired and grumpy (it was Tuesday after all) but the musical had gone on way too long and it just. needed. to. end. I’ve read the book and watched the Disney cartoon a gajillion times – and I KNOW there are no rioting peasants in Cinderella. But this musical not only had an uprising, it had a side story about the stepsisters and an idiot king being duped by his advisor. #FacePalm Turning fairy tales and Disney cartoons into live musical extravaganzas has become a thing; a thing that’s trying my (depleted) patience. Broadway writers take a perfectly-fine 90-minute animated movie and transform it into a two-hour (or more) event with NEW SONGS that no one cares about. The audience is just thinking, shouldn’t this be over? I usually love musicals. I hum songs from Rodgers and Hammerstein productions, I adore Stephen Sondheim’s lyrical wordplay and Lin-Manuel Miranda redefined musical production. But lately, I’ve found myself irritated with songs that seem unnecessary, boring or just meh. Do cast members have to break into song when someone goes to the barber, or the grocery store, or the high school library? When a character walks out of the bathroom and violins soar as he sings about his love for toilet paper, I’m ready to throw my Jordan almonds to the floor and storm out of the theater. Songs should never stop the action. The
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lyrics should continue the story without torturing the audience with a nonsensical waste of time. If you can take a song out of a musical and it doesn’t affect the story, it isn’t necessary! In fact, I suggest limiting musicals to two or three really good tunes. You only remember a few songs, anyway. Love songs are the worst. We get it. The two main characters have a love/hate relationship. At this point in the musical, we love/hate them, too. I hear a piano chord and my shoulders tense, waiting to hear a song about how love is a disaster. (One hour later, they’ll sing a song about how love is glorious.) There are big production numbers, infinite costume changes and (inevitably) someone jumps on the coffee table and tap dances while singing about the weather. If I jumped on my coffee table, it would explode into thousands of toothpicks. There’s also a list of musicals that make you wonder if the idea didn’t come from a two-day drinking bender, followed by a concussion and a small bout of the flu. Carrie should never have been a musical, in fact, let’s take all Stephen King novels off the list for future productions. King Kong on Broadway?? Where do songs fit into that disaster? And NO ONE has given me any good reason why Mamma Mia hasn’t been banned worldwide. Don’t get me started with Cats. Sports musicals are always iffy because who’s the audience? Sports fans? Wife: But it’s a musical about the New York Yankees!
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Husband: Why don’t we just go to a Yankees game? Wife: Well, that’s just stupid. So what makes a good musical? Hamilton’s multicultural version of Founding Fathers’ history changed the game with its rap lyrics, imperfect hero and breeches. Wicked has a twisted backstory and amazing vocals. I’m just sayin’, let’s not make musicals just because the movie/cartoon/book or Geico ad was super popular. Otherwise, the peasants might revolt and storm out of the theater. l
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