January 2017 | Page 23
S outhV alleyJournal .Com
Life
Laughter AND
by
PERI KINDER
SOUTH VALLEY
Happy National Polka Music Month!
A
nd you thought January was boring. After the holidays you wondered how anything could top the sheer giddiness of Christmas. Well, prepare to be dazzled by the celebrations observed during this first month of the year. You can’t go wrong with Bath Safety Month. Our family tradition is to smear the tub with canola oil then place a plugged-in hair dryer and toaster on the rim of the tub. If you can shower without slipping and electrocuting yourself, you win! I hope you didn’t forget January 2 was Happy Mew Years for Cats Day. If you missed it, there’s a good chance your cat “accidentally” knocked over a houseplant and tracked soil across the carpet. January 2 was also a big day for unhappy marriages. The first Monday of each year is the most popular day to file for divorce. (I guess she wasn’t impressed with the year’s supply of Turtle Wax she found under the Christmas tree.) Also, it’s Personal Trainer Awareness Day, just in case you wondered who the guy in shorts was who kept following you around the gym yelling at you to squat lower. It’s nice that fiber is finally getting some recognition. Celebrate Fiber Focus Month by feeding your family only whole grains, beans and nuts. Maybe January should also be Constipation Awareness Month. If your office Christmas party wasn’t embarrassing enough, Humiliation Day on January 3 should fill your quota of mortifying shame.
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bread, prunes and eggs. (That would make one helluva casserole.) I guess when it’s so cold outside, the only thing to do is sit around and celebrate food. I’m good with that. After stuffing our pie holes with holiday fare for six weeks, it’s time to establish healthier dietary and exercise habits. Observances like Family Fitness Month encourage us to sign up for gym memberships we’ll never use and purchase P90X workout DVDs that we’ll watch while sitting on the couch eating a bag of Cheetos. So don’t let the chill of winter bring you down. There are dozens of celebrations to choose from, including the one I’m trying to get approved: National Hibernation Month. l
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(After researching this observation, it isn’t about humiliating yourself (or others), it’s a way to recognize that humiliating individuals or groups isn’t cool. Organizers should change the name to No Humiliation Day to avoid awkward encounters in the office.) Personally, I’m looking forward to Show and Tell Day at Work on January 8. I haven’t done Show and Tell since kindergarten and I’m excited to show co-workers my collection of belly button lint. January 13 is International Skeptics Day where you question the accuracy of every statement ever made. It’s a good day to research fake news on Facebook instead of blindly sharing bogus content. You know who you are… There’s just no other way to say it. January 18 is National Thesaurus Day. If you think Talk Like a Pirate Day is a barrel of laughs, you’ll love Talk Like a Grizzled Prospector Day on January 24. I practiced this morning during breakfast. Me: Yer lookin’ like a dadburn claim jumper with that dumfungled smile on your man-trap. Hubbie: Can you just hand me the toaster? It seems there’s a celebration for everything in January. Squirrels! Penguins! Dragons! You get a day! And you get a day! And you get a day! What about toilet paper?! Well, let’s not get silly. January is a big month for food with national observances for candy, hot tea, oatmeal, soup, wheat
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