Issuu on Google+

I had a moment between power-naps and I wanted to share something funny. So, the economy suck, and everyone has been affected at some level. Like most, I'm now open to ideas that a few short years ago would have drawn squinty eyebrows from me...and that's not pretty. My incredible family had to leave my old, sick, tired and grumpy butt home while they went to the Mom-in-law's, and despite the common ideals, my Mom-in-law is pretty cool...so I must really be beat, right? So, I got a call from an automated service that mumbled through the "sale" of something that I only I had to give. Humor? Sex appeal? Maybe stunning use of diction and verse? So, I returned the call and waited through the cheezy oh-hold message, "Did you know that....blah, blah, blah...(fades out)". A person cracks to life on the other end, "HELLO THERE! My name is Susan and I'll be assisting you today. Tell me a bit about yourself." I told them the truth....super hot, gravity endowed, balding in the right places, walk of a male supermodel, excellent think-box, powerful ability to negotiate/argue/debate (no kidding...this is what I said)". 2 minutes in, something she said caught my ear. "Could you begin that last paragraph again, please?". "Sure, once we've harvested your eggs, we immediately put them into cold storage for use by one of our grateful families. The typical family pays each donor upward of $7,500 for a single egg or over $10k for a pair harvested very close to one another...(deep pause)...Um.....hello...".

Now being a smart-ass, I started asking the obvious smart-ass questions. "Hold on just a moment. How do I get to my eggs? Can I use a screwdriver? Do I need to do that thing I used to do in Church with the spoon...where I hold the egg on the spoon and run across the field with it? How does something like this work for a guy like me." (Notice the GUY LIKE ME). Another 10 second pause, after which I have a "helper" on the line with the lady who I've been enjoying. "Hello....(looking for...or more likely AT, my name)...Michael, how are you today?" "I'm great now that you've called me! I was wondering what to do with all of these bills and my heart just aches because Christmas is going to be so small this year...but God sent me a little miracle, and I want to share that miracle with you." "Wonderful to hear....Michael." Another 10 second pause ensues. “How do you pronounce your name?” “It’s just like it looks, Steven.” I replied, expecting someone’s nervous banter about how they’d made a mistake…but to my utter chagrin, the “helper” spoke up again, “Do you know where the (muffled something) is?” “No, what do they do there?”, I asked very inquisitively. She replied, “Well Michael, (remember…I’m Steve now) they harvest eggs from qualified, will and optimal donors, and you fit our requirements perfectly!”, with some level of holiday glee oft conjured after finding a $100 bill on the ground. I sat there silent for about 10 seconds…put the phone down and let out a bloodcurdling yelp…another pause…then a man-scream worthy of Friday the 13th. I picked the phone back up and told her that I’d successfully inserted the egg and would like to stop in to have it removed immediately. I panted out a mildly audible grimace every few words along with the telltale “whoosh” sound you make when gritting your teeth while removing a splinter. Another pause, maybe 15 seconds and the original caller spoke up, “Michael, are you


alright?”. I didn’t reply immediately, but said “I told the other lady that I’d managed to get the egg…installed, so to speak and would like to have it removed NOW.” (Papers are shuffling around in an obviously frantic endevour to find something of importance. The line cracks to life again, “Um, is Karrie there?”. “No, but we’ve got a more pressing issue here. I stuffed an egg into my….man part so that your donor could have the Christmas miracle that only children can provide.” So, the lady, clearly dumbfounded now says, “Um….um…you did….um….you’ve done what?” “I stuffed an egg into “myself” so you can have it…but at this point it’s becoming terribly painful, so if you act right away, I’d do another and I can drop by your office to pick up the $10,000 tonight…..hello….hello…HELLO!?!?” Dial tone……. Some people make my life really, really fun…but these folks made my entire December. Love, peace, rest, happiness and hugs to all…


Read and Enjoy