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The Michigan Review T he J our nal


C ampus A f fairs

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U niversity


M ichigan

Welcome Freshmen!

Summer Orientation Issue

Summer 2007 Volume XVI, Issue 1 Inside:

The Fall’s 5 Biggest Issues, p. 3 Editorials, p. 4 First Day Advice, p. 5 Faceoff on Greek Life, pp. 6-7 Essential Campus Glossary, pp. 8-9 Big House Etiquette, p. 13 Best of Ann Arbor, p. 14 Detroit Guide, p. 15

W W W. M I C H I G A N R E V I E W. C O M First two copies free, additional copies $3 each. Stealing is illegal and a sin. (Exodus 20:15)

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Editorial Board:

Michael P. O’Brien Editor-in-Chief Adam Paul Executive Editor Brian Biglin Managing Editor Rebecca Christy Content Editor Chris Stieber Content Editor Jonny Slemrod Lindsey Dodge Assistant Editors

Business Staff: Karen Boore Publisher Danny Harris Associate Publisher Staff Writers: Michael Balkin, Steven Bengal, David Brait, Erin Buchko, Kelly Cavanaugh, Jane Coaston, Marie Cour, Lindsey Dodge, Blake Emerson, Christine Hwang, Eun Lee, Anna Malecke, Brian McNally, Miquelle Milavec, John O’Brien, Kate O’Connor, Adam Pascarella, Eddie Perry, Danielle Putnam, Shanda Shooter, Chris Stieber, Evan Wladis, Christina Zajicek, Zack Zucker

page two. the michigan review

Mary Sue Coleman Speech Mad Lib Students, welcome to the University of Michigan. Your experience is sure to change your ______ (life/outlook/sexual preference). We are glad to have you with us on campus this term and look forward to _______ (teaching/indoctrinating/ignoring you for lucrative donors) over the next four years. I will keep this speech short because _____(I only have so many good stock speeches/want to return to avoiding students/see you are all reading the Michigan Review—don’t do that). I would now like to introduce a ______ (student/forgettable second tier administrator/oppressed person) who will speak briefly to you about the importance of ____ (diversity/divers-irificness/divers-itude). [Sulks as she realizes that her own speech will now be redundant to whatever speaker has just said] Thank you for that inspiring speech. I would like to take a moment to _____ (inspire/bertate /self-aggrandize to) you about the opportunity that is now open to you as students. Michigan remains an amazing ____ (institution/ community of scholars/cult). Now that you are a part of this community you will be able to take advantage of _____ (great learning/sub-par dinning hall food/lines at the Fishbowl). These experiences will connect you to with Actual 2005 Photo from the University Record of other students in ways that will ______ (make you better students reading The Michigan Review during people/expand your horizons/scar you for life). You are President Mary Sue Coleman’s Convocation likely living with a new person whom you don’t know but speech. (Martin Vloet, U-M Photo Services). you will surely get to know them as they ____ (engage your intellectual interests/eat your food/walk around naked).

Letters and Viewpoints: The Michigan Review accepts and encourages letters to the editor and viewpoints. Letters to the editor should be under 300 words. Viewpoints can be arranged by contacting the editorial board. We reserve the right to edit for clarity and length.

■ Serpent’s Tooth

Send all correspondence to

About Us: The Michigan Review provides a broad range of in-depth coverage of campus affairs and serves as the literary voice of conservatism and libertarianism at the University of Michigan. The Review is published bi-weekly September thru April.

Donate/Subscribe: The Michigan Review accepts no financial support from the University. Therefore, your support is critical and greatly appreciated. Donations above $35 are eligible for a 1-year (12 issues) subscription. Donations can be made on our website at, or mailed to:

911 N. University, Suite One Ann Arbor, MI 48109 The Michigan Review is the independent, student-run conservative and libertarian journal at the University of Michigan. We neither solicit nor accept monetary donations from the University. Contributions to The Michigan Review are tax-deductible under section 501 (c)(3) of the Internal Revenue Service Code. The Michigan Review is not affiliated with any political party or any university political group. Unsigned editorials represent the opinion of the editorial board. Ergo, they are unequivocally correct and just. Signed articles, letters, and cartoons represent the opinions of the author, and not necessarily those of The Review. The Serpent’s Tooth shall represent the opinion of individual, anonymous contributors to The Review, and should not necessarily be taken as representative of The Review’s editorial stance. The opinions expressed in this publication do not necessarily reflect those of the advertisers or the University of Michigan. Copyright © 2007, The Michigan Review, Inc. All rights reserved. The Michigan Review is a member of the Collegiate Network.

Summer 2007

no turning back now).

You are now an important part of the University’s goal of continuing to _____ (improve the world/extort huge sums of money from your families/tokenize students). You will make this goal possible by the work and effort that you will put into ____ (your coursework/encouraging Michigan athletic teams/becoming socially active). I would like to welcome each student to campus by _____ (quoting a famous person/having cookies at my house one day a year/making public addresses). So, welcome to ____ (Michigan/Ann Arbor/my world—there’s

Letter From the Editor


elcome to Ann Arbor.

Somehow, you ended up at the University of Michigan. This might have been your “reach” school, or it could have been a safety school. But none of that matters anymore. Not. One. Bit. College is a whole new ballgame, baby. Your new life here will have blessings and curses. You’ll make lifelong friends and have a few meltdowns. You’ll learn so much, and become a little stupider, too. If you’re a freshman, you’re about to find out. And if you’re not, well, you probably already know. U-M can be a confusing place, in so many ways. That brings me to this little publication you’ve got in your hands right now. It’s The Michigan Review. We’re an independent journal of campus affairs that should help you cut through the confusion during the next four years. What we do is simple: We try to be the voice of rationality on campus through good journalism and smart commentary, all while not taking ourselves too seriously at the same time. When President Coleman talks about “diversity,” we ask what, exactly, that means. When students accuse others of committing a hate crime, but offer no evidence, we ask what really happened. When city administrators encroach on students’ social habits, we stand up and challenge them. But we’re not all that dry, either. We take a look at the trends among college students, from tv shows like Grey’s Anatomy and The Office to the latest concerts on campus. If you want to

take the pulse of trends and undercurrents going on, this is your paper. We also love to laugh. Our humor page—Serpent’s Tooth— is a regular feature on Page 2. And if this summer issue is any clue, we like to keep things a little irreverent. We’re students, after all. Why waste college acting like a 55-year-old? Most importantly, the Review is an outlet for conservative and libertarian—contrarian, really—opinion and thought on campus. The atmosphere on campus can be stiflingly liberal, and we’re a bastion of refuge from that. But we’re not Ann Coulter aspirants, nor are we the literary wing of the College Republicans. Rather, The Michigan Review provides the intellectual capital of conservatism on campus. So this is your introduction to the Review. People say first impressions count, and I hope this one is positive. But more importantly, love us or hate us, take the opportunity to read us during the next four years. If you think you can help, join us! See the ad on the back page for details. And if you’ve got something to say, write us. U-M’s a great place to be, and I’d like to think that The Michigan Review is at least one small element of what makes Michigan so great. Keep reading. I’ll see you on campus. Michael O’Brien Editor-in-Chief, The Michigan Review


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campus politics. the michigan review

The Five Big Issues on Campus This Fall By Adam Pascarella, ‘10


very year, The Michigan Review compiles a list of prominent stories for the upcoming academic year. This fall will be no exception; controversial issues will be prevalent on campus. 5. The Competitiveness of the Class of 2011: This year’s incoming freshman class promises to be one of the most qualified and competitive in recent memory. According to the U-M Admissions Department website, 27,000 applications were received for the freshman class of 5,400 students. Although the applicant pool at Michigan spiked this past year, the qualifications for acceptance have continued to rise. According to an admissions officer, “This has been our most competitive admissions cycle in history.” With U-M’s ranking rising two spots in US News and World Report’s college rankings, there will likely be an even more selective admissions process for the class of 2012. 4. The reinstatement of the Order of Angell and the Students for Democratic Society (SDS): Both the Order of Angell and the Students for a Democratic Society, two prominent Michigan organizations, had been relatively quiet until last year. In its mission statement, The Order of Angell, previously Michigauma, writes that it exists to “serve Michigan.” Controversy began, however,

when the Students of Color Coalition accused Michigauma of using Native American traditions in their initiation ceremonies. The group changed its name to the Order of Angell and has been making its membership public for two years. It will be interesting to see how students will react after the restoration of the controversial group. SDS is an über-liberal student activist organization originally formed to protest the Vietnam War and demonstrates in favor of “democracy” and “freedom.” SDS was reactivated in the spring of 2007 and it has received growing interest on campus. With the war in Iraq becoming bloodier and with a presidential election on the horizon, expect to see SDS protesting on the Diag this fall.

3. Google and Ann Arbor: U-M has collaborated with Google in a number of ways to promote technological progress and employment opportunities in Ann Arbor. Since 2005, the University library system and Google have been working to develop the MBooks internet database. Their hope is to digitally archive over 7 million volumes to revolutionize the way that students can access certain information. The program is still under construction and

needs a few more years to finish. Google also opened a research and technology center in Ann Arbor that heads up the company’s AdWords division. The office should add some needed jobs to the local economy. 2. Michigan Stadium Renovation: In November 2006, the U-M Board of Regents approved a new design to expand the stadium by adding 83 suites and 3200 club suites above the bowl. University officials said that the renovations will create more revenue that will be allocated towards athletic purposes. They further asserted that the club level seating would help contain the crowd noise thereby creating a greater home-field advantage. The grassroots organization Save the Big House has criticized the renovations because they feel it will eradicate the stadium’s classic architecture and create a sense of inequality throughout the Big House. Members of Michigan Paralyzed Veterans of America have claimed the renovations will not provide for enough handicapped seating and could violate the Americans with Disabilities Act. 1. The Aftermath of the Michigan Civil Rights Initiative (MCRI) at U-M: The MCRI, passed last November, amends the Michigan constitution to ban affirmative action programs that give preferential treatment to groups or individuals based on their race, gender, color, ethnicity,

or national origin for public employment, education or contracting purposes.” After a vicious, mud-slinging campaign by pro- and anti- MCRI forces, 58% of Michiganders agreed to ban racial preferences in the state. The day after the elections, U-M President Mary Sue Coleman gave an impassioned speech on the Diag in which she pledged to fight to maintain diver-

sity on campus. Her “We are Michigan. We are Diversity,” speech led to the creation of the Diversity Blueprints Task Force, a tightlipped organization charged with finding innovative methods to keep diversity alive at U-M. Even after the MCRI’s passage, race has remained on the undergraduate application. While administrators have stated that removing race on the application was not part of the MCRI, it has led many to question the school’s interest in following the law. MR

Being a Conservative on a Liberal Campus By Jonny Slemrod, ‘10


s a conservative, feeling threatened on a campus overrun by liberals is easy. After all, our official student newspaper, The Michigan Daily, seemingly endorses every position of the Democratic Party’s platform rather than showing both sides of a debate. And if you ever wonder how the United States government is a fascist, 9/11-planning empire Staff hell-bent on world domination, or why Opinion socialism is a utopian and logical idea, you will have no trouble finding someone to explain it to you in the Diag. But while campus undoubtedly has its fair share of left-wing crazies, they do not constitute the majority. Instead, they are simply the most loud, most visible, and, often, most obnoxious participants in campus politics. Take the radical pro-affirmative action group By Any Means Necessary (BAMN), which uses verbal and physical abuse to spread their message, for example. The day after Proposal 2—a ballot initiative banning racial and gender preferences—passed, University President Mary Sue Coleman addressed thousands of students in the Diag. Ironically, I was sporting a t-shirt superimposed the image

of conservatism itself, Ronald Reagan. To several BAMN members, this warranted verbal abuse. Apparently, I am a “racist asshole.” Having been born and raised less than one mile from campus helped me to prepare for the political shock I was to experience. After all, most of my family, friends, and acquaintances all identify as liberals, so it is fair to say I was used to being in the minority. However, I was surprised. Not only did I find that almost every student I came into contact with didn’t have any clue what a libertarian even was, but I also found that apathy, not “liberal” or “conservative,” is the political affiliation of choice. Indeed, our campus is not overrun by die-hard liberals. Understandably, most students don’t make the time to care for politics. College life, to say the least, is hectic. But to help escape the vocal minority of leftists on campus, there are many student groups for the conservative that feels the need to question the norm in Ann Arbor. Never free of controversy, the Young Americans for Freedom (YAF) will surely be back with their trademark events. Last year, over 300 people protested when YAF sponsored a speech by three former terrorists who spoke on the dangers of Islamic fundamentalism. The College Republicans will be gearing up for the

2008 presidential election, and will looking for new members to help spread the word. Other groups include the College Libertarians and Students for Life. Here’s where we come in. At The Michigan Review, we take pride in our conservative and libertarian outlook not because we simply feel like being contrarians, but because our reasoned and rational analysis of campus events simply takes us there. Indeed, while most of us proudly wear maize and blue and love our campus and University, there is no shortage of issues which, without a conservative voice, would be misconstrued and overlooked. Rather than accept the popular (and often catchy) mantras mouthed by campus liberals, conservatives challenge the accepted wisdom, a role of particular importance given the volume of the liberal voice in this city. Ann Arbor has an incredibly lively student body, and politics play an enormous part. For the conservative, it will certainly take some time to get used to. But once the shock of college life wears off, you will begin to understand the excitement of campus political life and the opportunities that it holds for conservatives and liberals alike. Welcome to campus! MR

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editorials. the michigan review

The Review welcomes letters to the editor. Send letters to:

The Michigan Review


he Michigan Review is the independent, studentrun journal of conservative and libertarian opinion at the University of Michigan. Unsigned editorials represent the opinion of the Editorial Board. Ergo, they are unequivocally correct and just. Signed articles, letters, and cartoons represent the opinions of the author, and not necessarily those of the Review.

We are The Michigan Review


elcome (or welcome back) to the University of Michigan. We are glad that you have found the editorial page of the Michigan Review, the publication that will bring you insightful news stories, provocative analysis, a different take on campus issues for the next four years. It’s the different take on the issues that has given our paper lots of attention in the past. Our editorial page often espouses conservative, libertarian, or contrarian positions. Our editorial board prides itself on attempting to take reasoned positions rather than jumping to accept, often emotional, bandwagon positions. Because of this we have often taken stances in opposition to the policies of this University. Our goal for this year will remain the same that it has been since our founding in 1982: to provide a rational voice to the often one-sided discourse on campus. The Review will continue to ask tough questions about the actions of University administrators, campus activists, and Ann Arbor officials. Rather than simply accept the good feelings of buzz words like “diversity,” “social justice,” or “living wages,” we will examine the assumptions and implications of the decision-making process on campus. Despite its massive size, the University tends to speak with a single rhetorical voice, a voice parroted by administrators, professors, activists, and accepted by some students as unquestionably true. But some students question the logic of racial preferences, would not be excited at the added diversity they would get from having to take a “Sex and Sexuality” course, and don’t think sipping fair trade coffee and feasting on organic tomatoes does enough to save the world. The Review will share its sentiments with those students who demand common sense, on a campus where it might not otherwise prevail. While we take strong positions in our editorials and columns, the Review is a publication, not an activist group. Our organization will not ask members to lock themselves in cages on the Diag or gage themselves for a day (supposedly to fight against being silenced). Readers can be assured that all our news reporting will attempt to offer clear and new insight into events on campus rather than pursue an agenda. We are not the daily paper on this campus, so rather than report on every fraternity misstep or activist media ploy we attempt to bring our readers an innovate mix of stories that students will not encounter anywhere else, as well as bring new information to continuing stories. Our paper exposed the non-existence of a charge by two Asian students who claimed to have been urinated upon. While many on campus were quick to call for increased efforts to fight hate crimes, the Review saw that the facts did not match the allegations. Last year, we found that despite the passage of a state referendum that would make it illegal to use race or gender to admit students that the University known for its commitment to such affirmative action programs, had made only minor changes to its admissions policies. We have been able to make these discoveries by engaging in intelligent journalism. Readers can be assured that our analysis will always look to show the most complete picture of a new graduation requirement, local ordinance, or University admissions policy. The Michigan Review is entering its 26th year of publication this year and intends to continue the great run we have established in this time. We hope that you will continue to pick up the Review at our stands all across campus. MR

Get Involved, Get Active H

aving matriculated to one of the best public schools after years of hard work, and having finally put the annoying demands of high school and family life behind you, you may be primed to slow down and take it all in upon arriving at U-M. While you should definitely ease into college, especially because of all the vast changes in your lifestyle associated with coming to college, being active on campus is something that new students looking for the fullest college experience must aim for. At first you will be bombarded with possibilities. Options will be plentiful, but you will need to decide what you really want and need. Many of your friends and roommates will urge you to join a sorority or fraternity, but you will have to decide if the involvement demands of the rush and initiation processes are something you really want during your first semester. You will also want to investigate the differences among the various Greek houses. For these reasons, it may be in the best interest of some to put off joining a Greek organization for a semester or year. Having said this, there are plenty of other opportunities that will provide you with the sort of diversions and friend-making opportunities you are looking for, with less of a commitment. The amount of different student organizations available to students, even new ones, cannot be stressed enough. They can be based on community service or service-learning, political action, writing and editing (such as The Review), religion, academic field, or some other common interest. With so many different organizations, you can find one that caters to your needs, or one with needs that cater to your skills. Do not limit yourself to organizations affiliated with the University. There is nothing wrong with getting involved off-campus in various institutions. Ann Arbor is not a megalopolis, but it is large enough to provide plenty of opportunities. The best thing about getting involved while a freshman is the opportunity to maximize your impact, and your ability to move up in an organization, perhaps garnering leadership posts that will pay dividends later in life. The need to extracurricular involvement in general should be clear. Focusing on school work alone can lead, literally, to insanity. Just exercising, or taking a walk or jog through the miles of parkland in the Arboretum or in the city parks along the Huron River, could be enough to divert you. Do not forget that active students can use the central and north campus recreation buildings for exercise, running, swimming, tennis, and basketball. Finally, do not limit yourself to the campus area alone. As has already been mentioned, plenty of opportunities for students are found off-campus. Any student would be remiss not to enjoy the stores and restaurants of downtown Ann Arbor, especially on Main Street. There is life beyond the Diag. Students should be active in all senses of the word. Whether it be exercise keeping you focused and regimented, or being active for a cause or an organization on campus, each type of activity has its own set of benefits. It cannot be said for sure what the right level of extracurricular involvement is. It is different for each student, based on their time constraints and ability to cope with multiple commitments. The fact remains: to keep your sanity, to get to know people, and to advance yourself on this campus, getting active on campus is a must. MR The Review reserves the right to edit letters to the editor for length and clarity.

Your Impending U-M Education


he University of Michigan is an institution like any other, with perpetuating myths, traditions, legacies, foundations, structure, and so on. But like so many domineering organizations in our societies, our school is multi-faceted; three-dimension. UM, at many times, is cast in a blaze of academically superior glory, with a halo of social propriety and athletic dominance in the minds of so many aspiring and current students. But for this year’s incoming class, the aspiration stage is now over; college has begun. But for all the upsides you’re sure to encounter your next four years—and there are many—it’s important to keep some perspective in regards to college live, and the university you now attend. Michigan may be wondrous, but not also without deep flaws to some degree. Keeping this in mind is key to making the most of your Michigan experience. Any promotional materials produced by the University itself or outside organizations are bound to wax about the legendary “diversity” that manifests itself on campus. University President Mary Sue Coleman and the University might as well trademark the d-word, as it has become one of the central, defining legends that make their mark on university life today. Diversity may be swell, but the University is flawed in believing that true diversity is only skindeep, and that distinction on the basis of skin color is just in any form. Learn to read between the lines of the administration’s happy-talk, and find true diversity for yourself. U-M is furthermore renowned for its ‘progressive’ attitudes, and such mindsets do not escape the professoriate. The Michigan Review isn’t one of those campus groups that protest the scary, vindictive professor who marks you down a grade for expressing an opinion. The fact is, those professors (in that mythic form) do not exist. Such is the mark of second-rate hacks of professors, and fortunately, UM is fresh out of them. But do not have the naïveté to think that classroom bias (and it is to the left) does not exist. It’s not manifest through heated confrontations between student and professor, and the politics of most students are receptive to such slantedness. Rather, bias exists through the accepted academic paradigms that professors perpetuate. There are unquestionable ‘truths’ professors hold dear, that endear themselves to social determinism, socialistic public policy, and the enduring belief that no objective truth exists. The academic perspective is something from which the student cannot easily dissent, without a reasoned argument. But be not afraid, most professors will take interest in your informed dissent, preferring it to the apathetic, uninterested student reading the Daily sitting next to you in lecture. Another important aspect of student life is to get involved. There are many student groups, including this one, who lead the campus to a more vibrant (and interesting) day-to-day existence. There are groups devoted to service (The Detroit Project, Dance Marathon, K-Grams). There are political groups galore (from YAF and College Republicans to BAMN and College Democrats). There are groups devoted to journalistic excellence (The Michigan Review). And there are groups for people who want to write stuff no one will read (The Michigan Daily and The Michigan Independent). Whatever the case, it’s an important part of your growth as an individual and socially to get out on campus and find your niche. There are many more aspects of student life, for better and for worse, that you’ll encounter in your next four (hopefully not five) years here on campus. Your education isn’t a period in time, it’s an experience. Keep in mind that the University of Michigan is like a best friend who’s prone to slipping up from time-to-time: flawed nonetheless, but you still care for them and will be there for them in the end. MR


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the michigan review

Don’t Be On Time, Be on Michigan Time

By Michael Kasiborski


reshman – let me be amongst the first to welcome you to the University of Michigan and it’s glorious Ann Arbor campus. Over your next four, five, or even six to ten years here (that better include grad school...), you will discover the wonders that I, too, eventually found. As a little helping hand before you embark on your academic journey, the Review would like to offer you some friendly advice that you will find very useful in your first few weeks. As you will learn When class during Orientation, actually “Michigan Time” refers does start, to the 10-minute spacing there is a for classes. Hence, a 10 strategy to a.m. class really actually seating and truly begins at 10:10 and so on and so yourself. a.m., forth. Your first day of class, however, you will undoubtedly show up thirty minutes before your class actually begins. There you will all be, thirty or so freshman neurotically arriving early, all staring at your watches in a vacant Mason Hall hallway, collectively watching the time tick by. Don’t do it. Michigan Time means exactly what it says, class starts 10 minutes after its posted time. Get your-

self a little more sleep and save yourself from staring at a watch for 30 minutes. When your class actually does start, there is a strategy to seating yourself. This rule applies especially, if not exclusively, to recitations, seminars, and discussions. And sorry ladies, but this rule is sort of gender specific, and not for the faint of heart. Gentlemen, for you I will share the single best piece of advice I can dispense to help you get through your boring classes: as you enter the classroom on the first day, seek out the hottest girl in your class. Try and be smooth about it (engineers, therefore, must unfortunately skip this strategy), and without drawing much attention to yourself with freshman-guy clumsiness, sit next to her! Start talking to her, but not like you’re interviewing her. Introduce yourself, ask her where’s she from, where’s she living now, etc. Casually say something witty about how terrible dorm food is or how crazy BAMN is – make her laugh! Seem informed, and seem cool (because let’s face it, you’re probably not). This seating strategy doesn’t stop after the first day though. Even if during your initial conversation she pulls that “I’ve got a boyfriend” shit. Whatever! Don’t let it phase you (p.s. -most hot girls at Michigan have boyfriends; if this is not the case, they must be crazy). You can handle that “boyfriend” noise because after all - you’re sitting

next to her because you’re a good guy, not because you’re an asshole that likes staring at her chest. What’s more it will totally catch her off guard in a good way if you ask about her boyfriend. Ask his name, what he’s like, yadda yadda yadda. But don’t ask “if he goes here.” That’s a red flag that you are already hoping it’s a long-distance relationship that you can break up. Don’t scare her off and don’t jeopardize your position as the guy that sits next to her! Eventually, your seat next to her will become your territory. The two of you (or more if there are other good-looking girls in your area) will have staked out a claim to your territory. No one will dare move in on your space. With this territorial domain, you can carve out a good group of people to sit with. Hopefully you have been endearing them to you over the first few weeks of class with irreverent remarks about the stupidity of your GSI, the horrible grade you got on your last paper (tip: you always do poorly, but you always are confident enough to laugh it off – this seems to work), or hilarious comments about the weird kid in class (disclaimer: the Review does not condone ripping on the dorks in your class, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do). As the fun guy in class that exudes so much machismo that the hot girl sits next to him, your classmates will love you! And isn’t that why you’re at

Michigan, for the approval of others? Where you sit in class tells a lot about you. And no, I’m not talking about smart kids sitting in the front, slackers sitting in the back. You’re at Michigan, everyone sits in the back. But the really smart kids sit next to You’re at hot girls. And the reMichigan, ally hot girls sit wherever they want because everyone sits they are hot and do as in the back. the please, so you betBut the really ter sit next to them. If smart kids sit this advice seems sexnext to hot ist, chauvinist, or utterly insensitive to the girls. concerns of ugly people and socially inept nerds, then you are absolutely correct. But frankly, those kind of people are so sexually frustrated that they infer innuendoes from their engineering homework: you know, the problem about the tangent line penetrating the diameter of the circle? Whatever…so that’s not a real problem--it lacks any sense. But I was too busy staring at the hot girl I’ve been sitting next to in my Psychology class all semester to think of anything intelligent. Hot girls are sweet. Oh, and the same thing applies to the ladies for getting guys. MR

Break Up With Your Sweetheart Now—Or Later By Michael O’Brien, ‘08


T’S REALLY A fascinating little game to play—watch how many of the kids on the Facebook who, at the beginning of the year, list their status as “in a relationship,” dwindle away and list themselves as single within the fi rst month of school. Also, keep an eye on the friends you’ve made—by the end of the month, if they’re not tied up, or at least don’t have a regular “special friend” on speed dial, well, then they’re lucky folks. I don’t mean to be pessimistic, I really don’t. But it’s just far easier to break off that two-year high school fl ing now, rather than in mid-March, when your boyfriend or girlfriend calls you at 2 am and swears that it didn’t count because they were hammered. The same rule applies for getting yourself too involved too soon when you get to school in the fall; it just puts a damper on your social life. I realize that many might be reluctant to say good-bye to that person with whom you just spent a serious portion of the last several years of your life. There are all those sweet memories: your prom night, that first date, whatever. But why would you want to sour those memories or muddy them in a messy

The first year of college is just a much better experience without a boyfriend or girlfriend imposing on your social life.

break-up? You and your better half should really take a hard look at reality. Sure, it is entirely possible to maintain a solid relationship with substantial differences between the two of you. But it’s sure as hell not probable.

College has a lot to offer when it comes to social opportunities. Welcome Week is a blast for most students, and you probably don’t want to spend that Friday night on the phone crooning to your high school sweetheart about how much you miss them. Half of college’s experiences lie well beyond the scope of the academic or the classroom; it’s very much a social, extra- Don’t let this be your facebook profile during curricular experience. At parties, at the first semester. football games, and even (for you North Campus kids) on the bus, its hard not to be inundated and a bit overSo even if you come to school with a whelmed by the hundreds of new faces you clean slate, ready to meet your thousands meet. Quite frankly, it’s a blur. It’s through of classmates, you’re not out of the woods this, and your experience of your first pro- yet. Don’t enter into a serious relationship longed time away from home that most stu- too soon or even at all during your first year. dents go through a somewhat substantial The first nice guy or girl you may meet may change in themselves, no matter how much click just right during September, but there’s they try to resist it. And with these changes no reason to stymie your social life by getting in self come wholesale reevaluations of one’s too involved. It’s incredibly easy to miss a lot relationships with others. Many students be- of experience, and neglect developing your come much more self-aware, and their per- skills by doing the same thing every weekend spectives on things, if not their opinions, shift with the same person. Getting into a relationaround a bit. And sure, there’s a good deal of ship too soon can be a great cause of doubt, pressure (and rightly so) to go out and make as well. You may snatch up the first suitable friends and be social. partner that comes along, but that girl you The question any incoming frosh should pass every day on the Diag or that guy who be asking themselves is whether, given this, sits near you in your Econ discussion will they can even, in good conscience, maintain pique your imagination much more now that a high school relationship. Why go through you’ve tied yourself down. Also, fanciful high the almost inevitable hell that comes through school notions of what constitutes a good rea messy breakup via long-distance phone lationship wash away eventually as the realism calls and furious instant messaging? Why, es- of college begins to set in. pecially if you can manage an amicable split The bottom line remains, though, that after talking things out, with a good friend- most students are uncertain about what kind ship that will be mutually supportive in the of person they are or where they’ll be at the future? There’s a lot at risk by trying to hold end of their first year of school, let alone four onto every last thread of those sweet memo- years of college. Freshman year, with its varries, while a soon-to-be ex is slowly turning ied and formative experiences, is just not the the knife freshly stuck in your back. Break up time for serious commitment. The first year with your sweetie; it will be a lot less pain- of college is just a much better experience, ful at the end of the summer than a random when done correctly, without a boyfriend or Wednesday afternoon before your big mid- girlfriend imposing on your social life. MR term.

First Day Dos and Don’ts By Anna Malecke, ‘10


n grade school it was easy. You and your mom picked out a new outfit, you loaded your new backpack full of freshly sharpened pencils and matching folders, and then she took your picture in front of the bus stop. Unfortunately, the first day of college makes things a bit more complicated. By learning the hard way last year, I’ve assembled a Do/Don’t list of advice that should help you not only survive your first day of college, but come out ahead as well. DO check CTools (ctools.umich. edu) before you head to your first Check class. Professors CTools, don’t like to start the semester early and buy your give a reading or books too make announceearly, and ments for the first make sure class. While most you know don’t expect the entire class to have where you’re checked for angoing. nouncements, you can make a good first impression by coming prepared. DON’T go to Ulrichs, Michigan Book & Supply, or the endless line at Shaman Drum and purchase every book, workbook, and coursepack that the little cards on the shelves tell you is “required.” Students waste significant amounts of money on books that professors never use. Wait until the first class to hear from the professor which texts are going to be used in the class, and then decide whether

See “First Day” Page 13


P. 6

Summer 2007

faceoff : fraternities the michigan review

Frats: Expensive, Segregated

Frats: Fun, Philaonthropic BY Mike Balkin, ‘09

By Nick Cheolas, ‘07



’M NOT FROM Greece, if that’s what you’re thinking. Rather, I am a member of the Greek system here it at U-M. I am a proud member of the Alpha Epsilon Pi fraternity. For the most part, especially at U-M, fraternities and sororities will not resemble the stereotypical representations that you have constantly been exposed to through film and television. Movies like “Animal House” and “Old School,” while funny and entertaining, do a great disservice to the American Greek system (but, I’ll still always love these movies). Contrary to popular belief, fraternities do participate in a wide variety of philanthropic ventures that aim to either aid in the development of the community in which they operate or fulfill a higher moral or national purpose. In fact, each year the entire Greek community participates in “Greek Week.” The “Week” is dedicated to Greek-sponsored activities that help raise massive amounts of money for a number of different charities and causes. Additionally, many fraternities and sororities sponsor their own charitable events and activities. Going even further, many fraternities and sororities may even offer scholarships to members who cannot pay full, if any, organizational dues. What angers the system’s opponents, I suppose, is the Greek social factor. Opponents of the Greek system believe that fraternities and sororities are elitist social organizations which aim to include only Greek members at parties, mixers, and other social functions. This is partly true. However, at “frat parties,” which are often themed and intensely fun, there usually is a guest list which is set-up to include non-Greek members, who are friends with members of the Greek system, in these sorts of activities. Wait, you say, a guest list sounds pretty elitist to me, even if it includes non-Greek members. Well, think about it this way. Let’s say you have a birthday party at your house or apartment. You invite your close friends and possibly some classmates that you recently have become friendly with. Now, let’s say random people just start to show up. You don’t know who these people are. You don’t even know if they are students at the University. Would you even let them in the door, let alone eat your birthday cake or drink the spirits you provided for your invited guests? I think not. Now, instead of debunking the opponents’ arguments, let’s introduce you to the advantages and “complete awesomeness” of being a part of the University’s Greek system. As I said before, Greek organizations can become efficient vehicles for philanthropy and charitable ventures. In addition, fraternities and sororities are often diverse organizations and have members of many different backgrounds and ethnicities. In the case of fraternities a strong bond is developed between all of the members. If you’re part of a fraternity or sorority, you’re part of something that is bigger than yourself. Moreover, you’re part of organization that aims to do charitable good for its community, create strong bonds of friendship and companionship between its members, and throw some pretty sweet parties, as well. The Greek system has provided me with opportunities to do good for my community, as well as forge lifelong friendships with people with similar interests. If you come visit us in the fall, you’ll quickly find that Greek organizations are not the “animal houses” or “elitist organizations” you’ve heard about. MR

S A REAL Greek, I was chosen by my Review brethren to face off about the Greek system. However, I want to let our readers know that I have no true disdain for Fraternities and Sororities. In fact, I am quite honored that several thousand of my fellow students will pay thousands per semester just to be associated with my ethnicity. I present the top reasons to remain independent and proud here at Michigan. 7) Ca$h Money: Each term, dues amount to $400-500. While many of us are fortunate enough to have our parents shell out a good portion of tuition and housing costs, they may not be as willing to dole out the extra $800-$1000 in dues. 6) Those stupid party names for every day of the week: Margarita Monday, Tequila Tuesday, Wine Box Wednesday. Enough already. You drink every day of the week. Outstanding. 5) Freeedommm!: Like joining any group or club at the University, pledging a house will require a good portion of your time and energy. The point is, Fraternities and Sororities are more than simply social organizations – they are involved in numerous activities throughout the year. While some thrive on involvement and budget their time well, you don’t want to be halfway through your pledge semester before you realize that you can’t handle all the activity. 4) The Greek system is racist: Sure, why not. It’s the “Greek” system, isn’t it? Greeks are “white” people. Why not the “Kenyan” system? The Greek system clearly isn’t committed to diversity. Sure, every Frat has a token black guy, but is this really a “critical mass?” 3) “The Greek system eats babies”: Not literally (we think), but if you look at media coverage and administration treatment, you would think this was the case. Get drunk or smoke a joint in a private residence and guess what happens. Nothing. Ann Arbor cops generally won’t bother anybody unless they are causing a real, public problem. But if you break some stupid Greek system rule in your house (like having more than 5.25 sorority girls per every “sober” monitor in a house on an odd numbered Tuesday), you better head for the hills. Pretty soon, the media will be “shocked and appalled” at the Greek system, and the administration will subsequently pillage your house (”Animal House” style), rape your horses, and ride off on your women. The same pattern repeats itself every year: Frat house gets caught breaking a rule, administration threatens, the Interfraternity Council promises reforms, IFC makes fake reforms, and the houses routinely break the fake rules until another one gets caught. 2) Segregation: The real problem with segregation here at Michigan is between the Greeks and the Independents. House parties are generally foreign to Michigan Greeks and frat parties are generally foreign to Independents. Much of the Greek system can be found at Scorekeepers. Then they turn 21 and move to Rick’s. While pledging a house may certainly make a large University feel small, the isolation factor is worth consideration. 1) You can’t just buy Greekness: They could have picked any other nationality, but they choose to steal mine. Somebody asked me if I had a Greek ID card once. I showed them my driver’s license. Then he asked me if I had a real Greek ID card. I punched him right in the temple. These people perpetuate the stereotype that all Greeks do is drink excessively, smoke pot, and hit on freshman girls. That’s ridiculous. I don’t smoke pot at all. MR

The Unofficial Campus Dress Code E

very year, it seems as if a new fashion trend makes its way to the Midwestern bubble known as Ann Arbor. Whether homegrown, or a Long Island transplant, these trends seem to grip a single class, spread to others like a rash, and pollute the Diag by the end of the first week of class. But what exactly are these trends, and which class is responsible for their unfortunate presence on this campus? Class of 2007 – Popped collars. We thought this trend was dead too. Then former Review Editor James Dickson “popped” up in the Daily, looking *fabulous*. Popped collars have, fortunately, started to make an exit from the U, but the particular brand of douchebaggery that accompanied them has proved much tougher to eradicate. Unless you are a member of the Three 6 Mafia, you

probably haven’t been popping your collar ever since you could remember. You probably started freshman year. It’s over. Save the starch. Move on. Class of 2008 – Ugg boots Perfect for making the trek over to your frat house of choice, these boots hit their peak when the class of 2008 came to town. Skirts and Uggs were the outfit of choice for the sub-zero days in January. These revolutionary boots allowed females to complain year round. In April thru October, there was the incessant whining that the shoes these individuals had looked at, purchased, selected, and put on were “uncomfortable.” Now from November thru March, females could complain about their legs being cold, all from the comfort of their warm Ugg boots. Amazing really.

Class of 2009 – Those giant sunglasses The most frustrating and pervasive trend of the last four years. Making Aviators look miniscule, the sunglasses seen on campus today rival those you would find in novelty or gag gift stores. They also lead to an untold number of “Who is that? Do I know her? Crap, I’m getting closer to her now, maybe I should say hi. But what if I don’t know her? Then I’ll just look like a tool. Maybe I’ll just offer up the awkward half smile and glance…” moments on campus. Class of 2010 – The ensemble This year’s freshman class wasn’t content with bringing just a single trend to campus. This year’s class brought an entire outfit. From the top down, the outfit includes: 1)

the side ponytail, 2) the massive sweatshirt, and 3) the tightest pants known to mankind. We’re still trying to figure out this one. Is it a true attempt at the “I don’t care about my appearance, even though I’m wearing $300 worth of makeup, $200 shoes, and daddy’s trust fund worth of jewelry” look, or is it intentionally ironic? Either way, we’re not amused. And why do these pants look like they require the use of that “Food Saver” vacuum-packing thing from the infomercials? Class of 2011 – What you got? Please, for the love of God, don’t try to top the wretched fashion sense explored by your predecessors. It’s uncalled for. It’s Michigan, after all: you’ll all be wearing winter coats in a few months anyway. MR


P. 7

Summer 2007

faceoff : sororities the michigan review

Sororities About Forging Relationships

Better Alternatives to the Shallowness of Sorority Life

By Lindsey Dodge, ‘10

By Amanda Nichols, ‘07



had always assumed that I would join a sorority. It is rather an unusual assumption, as I have never considered myself a huge partier, unnecessarily sluttish, or a reflection of any other components of the sorority stereotype. However, when I stop to think about it, the decision really makes a lot of sense. For one thing, I have no sisters, and two brothers. This means that my life pre-college was a never-ending stream of fart jokes, dead baby jokes, and no food in the pantry. This is not to say that I do not love my brothers, but there was always a void in the category of feminine companionship. Next, at a big University like Michigan, it is essential to find a core group of friends; if only to help you navigate the one-way streets of Ann Arbor. A sorority is an excellent way to make a big school manageable, because it gives you a base camp with friendly girls and a house mom. Besides the creation of new friendships, it is plain utilitarian. Furthermore, I suppose I am one of those people who enjoy engaging in activities solely because they differ from peoples’ perspectives of me. Something about joining a sorority, when on first impression people would more likely clue into my bizarre sense of humor or ridiculous vocabulary, tickled me pink. If nothing else, I said to myself, Rush will be an experience. So there I was, first day of Rush, standing in front of house of screaming girls vaguely wondering, “What the hell have I gotten myself into?” Yet even more than this fleeting thought, was the sense that I was doing something really exciting, extremely fun, and inevitably profitable to me. People tend to overrate stereotypes. Teachers and administrators make a big deal about the adverse effect stereotypes have on our impressionable lives. Yet other peoples’ opinions are so often fleeting, especially with regards to sororities. Ten years from now, when all fifty thousand of us are scrambling for jobs in the workplace, our future employer will not ask, “So, were you at the library on January 23rd like you said you were?” However, the chances are in your favor that your future employer may have a Greek affiliation, and may even be a part of your very own sorority or fraternity. This aspect shows not so much the cliché of undying camaraderie but the fact of perpetual connections in the working world. This is not to underestimate the fantastic relationships I have developed in only a year of participating actively in my sorority. Already these are girls that I have found to be equals, and better than me, in all manners of academic and extracurricular affairs. However, for the more cynical out there, there is certainly a material benefit to being a member of the Greek system. Another classic stereotype is that sorority girls engage in horrific cult and indoctrination practices. This is simply untrue. I love my sorority, and it loves me. I love my sorority, and it loves me. I love…Where was I? Ah yes. It should be made acknowledged that at the University of Michigan and Greek houses nationwide there are stringent anti-hazing regulations. If anything, the recent controversy at DePauw University should demonstrate that sororities that do not toe the line will not be tolerated. Lastly, people tend to underestimate the “bonds of sisterhood.” Yes, it is a cliché. People often ask me, as a sorority sister, if I like every one of my sisters. Honestly, probably not. Perhaps that is because I do not know these girls well enough, but it is entirely possible that we just would not get along. However, I do like the vast majority of girls, and what is more, I respect all of them. By going through Rush, and initiation, and years together at the University, you develop some really meaningful relationships, which is the whole purpose of Greek life. MR

h, sorority life. The beautiful old homes on Hill, Tappan and Washtenaw; the lines of gleaming, perfect cars in the driveways; the manicured lawns. Coupled with the bonds of sisterhood forever and some cute letters to throw on a sweatshirt, it’s every girl’s dream, right? For some, maybe. But here at Michigan, that dream is just that—a dream. Trust me, I know. I went through Rush—the vernacular term for sorority recruitment here at U-M— and hell, I even pledged… at least for a little while. But then I realized just how little Greek life had to offer, and how much I was missing out on by binding my time and my image to my three Greek letters. But I have to admit—at first, I was one of those girls who believed sorority life would be perfect for me. Stately houses, and sisterly bonds with other girls based on mutual respect and common interests. Riiiiight. I wised up after about two days on camps, because, well, that’s when Rush started. I had hardly even met my roommate when I was suddenly herded along the streets of Ann Arbor with 800 other girls, who suddenly claimed to be the best of friends. Seriously? The same girls you’re virtually competing with for spots at certain houses? And what’s this “sisterhood” based on— waiting in line outside PIKE the night before? But I— we, really— followed our guides diligently, because we didn’t know what else to do. They had hooked us early— before we knew any better. Bright-eyed freshmen girls at Michigan truly are a different breed because it’s becoming so difficult to get into U-M; they, more than anyone else on campus, want to be involved in something and they want to be involved in it the moment they enter Ann Arbor. And with such an early recruitment, does the Greek system ever have a deal for them! Not only will it get them out of Markley or Bursley next year without having to deal with the sharkinfested waters of off-campus housing, but they can live with lots of girls who look, act, think, and drink alike! And, on top of that, you can make the world a better place through philanthropy! Yeah, right. In my rush experience, philanthropy was the cornerstone of each house’s pitch to its potential new members. And then, well, once they had us in the door, it seemed to vanish into thin air. Helping the less fortunate? That could wait until Greek Week in March. Instead, there was some more important volunteerism going on—who’ll offer to play beer pong? Not necessarily a bad thing, but not something I really wanted to pay several thousand dollars each year to do; I could do that on my own. That, of course, brings me to the money. Dues, room and board, and the inevitable extraneous expenses of being part of the most fashion-conscious group on campus certainly add up, and add up very quickly. For what, though? Sisterhood? Sudden popularity? Stretch pants? The lovely male companionship? I don’t know about you, but I don’t need to pay over $1,000 in dues alone to have frat boys ogle me; I can go to Skeep’s and get that sort of treatment for free. Now don’t think I’m hating on sorority girls—although it’s hard not to hate some of them, in their vacuum-sealed stretch pants, moon boots, and the I-just-had-sex hairdos; in fact, my sister (my biological sister, not the fake kind) is a sorority girl herself, albeit at a different school. Condoleeza Rice and Ruth Bader Ginsberg were sorority girls, too. But really, at a university this large, Greek life doesn’t—and can’t, really—hold a monopoly on creating a smaller community within this otherwise impersonal and overwhelming institution. Instead of being suckered in by the promises of sisterhood, philanthropy, and fun, find something else to do. You actually might be able to achieve real relationships based on more than a shared love for Natty Light, and maybe—just maybe!—you can use that U-M education to actually do some good in the world. MR

Learning to Love (Or At Least Live With) Your Roommate By Marie Cour, ‘08


either of my roommates freshman year really liked wearing clothing. Both of them chose to spend as much of the year walking around our room in as little as might be necessary to be considered decent. Despite spending the first few months in college dismayed by their behaviors, I ultimately became good friends with one of my roommates. I still found the other to be annoying and obnoxious. In the end, I learned that some battles, such as addressing your roommates’ fondness for nudity, may not be worth the fight. Nevertheless, even those lucky people who seem to be assigned “soul mates” rather than roommates almost invariably find their living situation challenging. Indeed, sharing the small space of a dorm room often seems to be one of the biggest challenges in adjusting to college life. There is virtually no privacy, and you are forced to negotiate living arrangements with a person, or persons, you just met. How

can one handle, or preclude, the conflicts that arise over these tensions? The most significant piece of advice that I can give is to address potential problems at the beginning of the semester. And be sure that you mention all of your behaviors that might be considered odd for a college student. For example, if you plan on waking up at 6 a.m. to go to the gym, mention that. Your night-owl roommate probably will appreciate knowing that you wake-up a few short hours after he went to bed. Discuss how you will manage these differences, and be sure to write down your solutions. That way, you can refer to the compromises that you made at the beginning of the semester, and both of you can make reasonable demands. More importantly, this early discussion can be important because it opens up lines of communication that help both of you if you find that you have any problems living together. Possibly most important in forming a good relationship with your roommate is showing basic courtesy. Do not throw your roommate out of the room if she is sick. Do not

leave four-month-old milk in your refrigerator. Do clean up after yourself. Do try to get to know your roommate at the beginning of the year. If you understand the person who is sharing the tiny box that you call home, it will become easier to compromise. For some roommate pairs, basic courtesy will lead to life-long friendships. For others, the only thing freshman roommates can do is to provide them with stories to tell to friends back home. The good news is that even if you do room with Satan’s mistress, there are distractions at the University of Michigan. College life is not necessarily defined by the person you live with your first year in college, but it is defined by how you live outside of the dorm. So take advantage of all of the opportunities at Michigan. Join student and Greek organizations, meet other people in your dorms, go to events, and get to know Ann Arbor. Large as the school is, there are people who will welcome your friendship, and you can probably find someone else whose roommate is worse than yours. MR

P. 8


Summer 2007

Ever ything You Ever

The Essential Glossary of All Things

“Angell Hall”: Central campus academic building characterized by big white pillars, 24-hour operation, communist janitors, and English professors that have plush offices, choose to meet for office hours at hippy hang-outs instead.

“Ann Arbor”: AKA the People’s Republic of, 27 square miles surrounded by reality. A shell of a Midwestern city taken over by the University of Michigan and 1960’s era hippies. Also, a city that sees more major events come through than any small college town is entitled to. “The Arb”, AKA “Nichols Arboretum”: Beautiful “living museum” of plants, trails, and fields located near the University Hospital. Characterized by couples on dates making out, sketchy old guys masturbating behind trees, and ROTC jungle training lab on Thursday nights (dudes in camo crawling around in silly patterns). The Arb has the rare distinction of being a favorite hangout of the Unabomber during his University days. “Assholes”: See BAMN, MSA, Fraternities, Sororities, The Michigan Review, see also the College Republicans. “B-School”: The University of Michigan Business School. Characterized by caffeine-wired, anal-retentive individuals that will probably make mad cash by selling their respective souls to corporate America. “BAMN”: The Coalition to Defend Affirmative Action (and integration, and to stop the racist war in [insert country here] and whatever else they feel like adding in that week) By Any Means Necessary. A collection of revolutionary communists and Detroit high school students who get off on causing trouble and intimidating students around campus.

Festifall, Goodness Day, Falun Dafa Guy (yes, guy is a proper noun) meditating, Diag Preacher screaming “You’re going to hell”, BAMN protests, Holocaust name reading marathon, “Buffalo Wild Wings”: Now the LGBT kiss-in, and hot girls established on campus for sev- in the spring time. eral years, this is *the* place to watch the game. Cheapest beer “Diversity”: The quality of poson campus. sessing difference. In University speak, this means a quantitative “Bursley AKA BurLodge/ value corresponding directly Baits”: North campus residence to the number of “underrephalls which, despite boasting resented” minorities attendthe best cafeteria in Housing, ing. For example, a class with are also characterized by many 100% Black, Hispanic, and Nalonely nights of hating not be- tive American students would ing on central campus and many be considered 100% “diverse,” pissed off mornings of missing while a class of 24% Asian Rethe bus. In Baits, watch out for publicans, 41% White Green the shared refrigerators…you Party members, and 35% Indian only think that was your meat- Democrats all of whom belong loaf. to a variety of religions and socio-economic backgrounds and “College Democrats”: People have varying sexual orientations who support collagen injections would be considered 0% “dias a tool for political advance- verse.” ment. “DPS”: Department of Public “College Libertarians”: College Safety. As you will learn from Republicans that want legalized the Daily Crime Notes, they pot, and don’t sing Pat Green- have no suspects…ever…rewood songs with old ladies in ally. red dresses “Econ 101”: A weeder class re“College Republicans”: A tool- quired for B-school admissions box concerned with pushing whose tests scarcely have anyissues in the Republican plat- thing to do with the study of form, many of whom will reach economics. great heights in politics by kissing mucho ass. For example, “Espresso Royale”: Known for drain commissioner and zoning their conspicuous advocacy of board are reachable goals. See fair trade coffee, the coffee king also, Assholes. is the main competitor of Starbucks on campus. Home of “Dance Marathon”: The hap- the tragically hip indie kids and piest people on earth, and yes graduate students holding ofDisney was lying. Campus fice hours. group that hosts 30 hour marathon for Mott’s Hospital every “Every Three Weekly”: A spinyear that will have you so sick off of The Michigan Review huof community service by the mor section published through end that you’ll push a child into the University Activities Center. the street. They’re instituting a Watch the stupid kid next to you draft this school year to con- in class think that Chad Henne script more dancers. really did cause the Holocaust. Caught some hell from UAC in “Diag”: Harassment capital of 2004 for publicizing that Olymthe world. Characterized by pic Gold Medalist and Michi-

“Big Ten Burrito”: Home of the cheap, delicious Mexican food that attracts the most drunk and most stoned kids Ann Arbor has to offer.

gan “student” Michael Phelps intends to “major in pussy” during his four years here. “Facebook”: The most technologically advanced way to just *almost* hook up, and everybody’s favorite distraction from papers. Also, a sure GPA-killer.

“Fish Bowl”: Angell Hall’s indoor computing site. Characterized by large glass windows, people walking around for hours on end trying to find just one damn open computer, and rampant un-productivity due to sorority-girl-social-hour and high-pitched laughing by the Asian kids at 3am. “Fraternities:” Groups of men who spend $500 a month for a place to live furnished with cheaply rented friends, daterape drugs, and membership to a group identified by Greek letters that spell out absolutely nothing. See also, assholes. “Gargoyle”: The University’s official monthly humor magazine, which no longer comes out monthly, was never humorous, and no longer sells for a dollar. Per issue, the Michigan Review is winning the contest as a funnier publication, which says something because we aren’t a humor magazine. “GEO”: The Graduate Student Instructors’ union that stands in *solidarity* with virtually every other left-wing cause imaginable. Characterized by unkempt clothes, scruffy hair, and office hours at Espresso Royale. See also, assholes. “Greens”: People that help George W. Bush get elected. “Hobo”: The homeless, and “NO! 25 cents is not good enough.” In Ann Arbor, the bums ask for $2 and don’t even invite you up to their apartment for a beer. The West Hall arch

P. 9


Summer 2007

Wanted to Know . . . That You Will Encounter at U of M reeks from this trade, and watch “The Michigan League”: The your garbage for daily can col- once-segregated hangout for lections. women on campus, it curiously hosts almost all Republican-af“In and Out”: A party store— filiated events on campus. Also, get your mind out of the gutter. where The Michigan Review ofGood late night pizza. fice is located.

“Jaywalking”: This term does “The Michigan Review”: A dinot exist here, you asshole pe- verse group who put out a harddestrians. hitting journal of commentary and analysis every two weeks “Jimmy John’s”: Located now with a commitment to logic and on all four corners of the Diag, truth so unyielding that we’re they have reduced college stu- the assholes. dents use of the cook stove to the occasional “warming up my “The Michigan Union”: CenJimmy John’s in the oven” use. tral student center filled with the joys of Magic Wok and the And yes, the smells are free. most profitable Subway in the “KerryTown”: Where 1960’s country. era hippies hang out. Ann Arbor shopping district. “Morlocks”: 1. Creatures in an H.G. Wells novel, who never “Liberal”: The haunting fear saw the light of day, dwelt in that somebody somewhere can caves, glowed in the dark from help themselves. lack of exposure to light, and consumed human flesh to live. “Lloyd Carr”: Head Coach of the Michigan Wolverines Varsi- 2. Residents of East Quad ty Football Team. High “overall” winning percentage, high “I “MSA”: The student assembly blew that one” percentage when of the University of Michigan. it matters. Highest paid dude A college version of a student at the school, too. Well, some council the group claims to doctor or something is higher, be able to do many things for but pretty close. Also, Droopy students, usually around electhe Dog. tion time, and generally fails to produce anything of substance “Mary Sue Coleman”: Presi- beyond “development” conferdent of the University of Mich- ences and other perks for themigan. She earns more than half selves. Also great for resume a million bucks to run around stuffing and pointless bickering. campus muttering the word See also, assholes. “diversity” to herself over and over. Also, she feels really really “Naked Mile”: A grand old really bad about being white. tradition here at the U where simple, innocent, graduating se“The Michigan Daily”: A niors would liberate themselves group of mostly white, upper- in the elation of graduating and middle-class students who put run stark raving naked for a out a poorly written newspaper mile while dodging cops trying every day about how white, up- to take them down for indecent per-middle-class students are exposure. The advent of sickos oppressing people at the Uni- with streaming webcams and a versity. They’ve never met a SWAT team parked on South walk-out they didn’t like and U during the last day of classes their cartoonists are starting at 12am is making this slightly kindergarten art this fall. more difficult.

“North Campus”: Beautiful sprawling campus of advanced academic facilities and residence halls. See also, boring and far away from everything.

education here.

“SOLE”: A student group for rich, white kids with liberal guilt. Members help alleviate the stress of being rich and white “Parking”: Like “jaywalking,” by campaigning for workers’ this term does not exist in Ann rights at the most ridiculous levArbor, either. els and advocating communism whenever possible to spite their “Pizza House”: The unoffi- parents and damn the man. cial restaurant of the University of Michigan student body. “Sororities”: Groups of womSee also, overrated, overpriced, en who spend $500 a month for open until 4am, and/or cheesy a place to live furnished with bread rocks. cheaply rented slutty friends, the right to get drunk and screw “Pop”: The correct term for frat boys, and membership to a the sweetened caffeinated bev- group identified by Greek leterage which all you East-coast- ters that spell out absolutely ers might refer to as soda, a nothing. See also, assholes. popular baking ingredient. “Sun”: A large ball of flaming “Psych 111”: Blow-off class… gas in the sky that disappears take this. sometime in October and returns just in time for girls to “Queer Awareness Week”: An- wear tank tops and Dominick’s nual event that encourages to open in April. closeted homosexuals to “come out.” Includes a kiss-in in “Taubman”: Alfred, to be exwhich you kiss a member of the act. Billionaire mall mogul and same sex for everyone and their University donor that is now… mother to see on the Diag. See in jail despite having a medical also, a good day to take another library and architecture school way to class. named after him. “Rev. Al Sharpton”: A nuisance “Village Corner”: Convenience and a demagogue who is a sta- store characterized by freaks ple at BAMN protests. that will take your fake ID…and sometimes, your real one. “Rick’s”: Though you won’t get there until junior year, this “Zack Yost”: Director of the is probably the hottest bar on campus zoo … in other words, campus. Near Pizza House. MSA President. Where you’ll have your twentyfirst birthday until you throw “Zingerman’s”: A world-faup. mous deli, most notable for its $15 sandwiches and bread as “Scorekeepers” (Skeep’s): See hard as a rock. But the food Rick’s, except under 21 and with is delicious, and it’s a place you annoying Greeks. want to have your parents take you. “Shaman Drum”: A fire trap of a local bookstore with a quasi-monopoly on books for the social sciences. “Snow”: White frozen stuff that falls to the ground in Michigan for the majority of your


P. 10

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features. the michigan review

The University’s *Diverse* Courses The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. By Lindsey Dodge, ‘10


lthough at a fine university like Michigan, it would seem easy to find great courses, the fact is that many are disappointing. However, it is deceptively hard to determine between those courses that will be worth the out-of-state tuition, and those that will bog down the schedule with tedious, politically correct homework. Here is a surefire guide to classes and teachers for the new freshman that may well last them far longer than their meal credit at the Hideaway. What follows by category in classic form: the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. The Good: 1. Ralph Williams: A legend in the English department, he is celebrated for both his knowledge of and passion for Shakespeare. He generally teaches higher-level courses, so the English-enthusiasts among the new class will probably have to be patient for a few semesters.

Professor Ralph Williams 2. Physics 107 with Professor Frederick Becchetti: This is a class for non-majors, so for all those unfortunates who are less than enthusiastic about fulfilling their natural science credit, take this course. The Professor is really organized and knowledgeable, as well as being highly ranked among students. He also prints out notes for everyone at the beginning of class. However, this does require that students come to class, which may limit enrollment numbers. 3. American Culture 206: AIDS and America with Lecturer Richard Meisler. A genuinely provocative class, it is enjoyed by students from both sides of the political spectrum. Meisler’s informed and balanced approach to an important issue in American society is much appreciated. Just remember that there will be the inevitable wacko students in this class that insist that whitey causes AIDS. The Bad: 1. Calculus 2(Honors) with Professor David Lehavi: If you are taking an honors math course, you probably deserve this. For the rest, this class is challenging enough without the teacher bumbling through lessons, which he undoubtedly will. 2. Psychology 111 with Lecturer Brian Malley. This class is, in the end, a tossup. It gets good press from those students who actually attend lecture, who insist that Malley makes the information very engaging. However, these students were drowned out by the exorbitant number of students complaining that his grading system is terrible, which most students, in particular fresh-

men, find very hard to forgive. 3. English 124 – The Literature of Disaster: Unfortunately, this is a prominent option among the available classes for the freshman English requirement. For those who can not squeeze themselves into another course, they will have to endure not only the tedious writing assignments, but also the distinct possibility of weeping for an hour and half every Tuesday and Thursday. The Ugly: 1. Religion 381 – the History of Witchcraft: Those who claim that students should look past the title are mistaken. Take it at face value. 2. English 317 – How to Be Gay: This course sparked a lot of controversy when it was introduced, but it is now generally accepted on campus as just another one of nature’s mistakes.

3. Environment 270 - Our Common Future: One of the few courses in this department that will not count for your natural science requirement. That choice likely makes sense since more emphasis will be

As always, the Review believes that students should explore every facet of a course, and not simply take an absurd title or a horrible title as the only factor. Or, just do the exact opposite, and save some dough.

given to social benefits of fair trade coffee and Cuban farming practices than ecological science. 4. Any and all of the following courses: Old English; Pedagogue: Theory and Practice; Anly Deviant Behavior (or the Analysis of Deviant Behavior); Homophobia in the Black World; Advanced Ojibwa; and Women Studies 590: Disability Studies. As always, the Review believes that students should explore every facet of a course, and not simply take an absurd title or horrendous professor as the only factor. This is what staffers strive to do throughout course scheduling, leading by example. Or just do the exact opposite, and save some dough. MR


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the michigan review

A Politically Correct Guide to the University

Facebook Etiquette: How to Seem Cool 101

By Jane Coaston, ‘09

By Karen Boore, ‘09



irst and foremost, welcome to the University. The next four (or five, or three, whatever) years of your life will be some of the best of your life. But in order to really take advantage of your college experience, it’s important to recognize the importance of maintaining propriety and political correctness in your speech and behavior. As President Mary Sue Coleman always says (upwards of thirty times per speech), “Diversity” is the University’s strength. Here are some important tips and guidelines: 1.) If you are coming to the University, there is a chance that you are a white, middle-class, suburban student. Just in case there were any questions, it’s your fault. What’s your fault? Racism, sexism, gender identity crises, rape culture, the War in Iraq, global warming, global cooling, country music, the inability of Michigan to oppose a good passing attack and win bowl games… take your pick. You may not know you were responsible for all of these social ills, and many, many more. But you are. Your parents were successful, and therefore, you have to pay the price. Sorry. Oh, and if you’re not a white student, but you’re still from middle-class suburban origins, it’s still your fault. Unless you’re black. 2.) Because you are a white, middle-class, suburban student, its time to find a new identity, because this one just won’t cut it. Since you don’t have the luck of being a minority, start being friends with some. Any minority will do. What are you interested in? Yelling at people? Being really annoying and getting in the way? Making people uncomfortable? Good! That means you are well on your way to joining any number student protest organizations on campus(or being involved in student government, but that’s another story). If you really want to break away from your white, middle-class identity, find an ancestor that may have been subjugated by white Americans in the past. Are you 1/32 Apache? Perfect! You now can aggravate people with the best of them with no hint of hypocrisy. 3.) Memorize some campus buzz phrases for everyday conversation. “Michigan is a War Machine,” “Thou shalt not kill,” “Proposal 2 Discriminates,” and “George Bush Hates Black People” are some good ones. Not sure what they mean? Here’s a hint: no one really does. Just say them enough, and you’ll be fine. Don’t agree with them? Life’s tough, isn’t it? 4.) Remember, “Consent is Sexy.” What does that actually entail? I have no idea. But it’s important. So write it down. 5.) If you wear clothing that would identify you as being a white, suburban student—Birkenstocks, Uggs, khakis, leggings—add in a decorative patch so it looks like you care about “issues” and therefore aren’t a bad person. Rainbows are good. So are anti-Proposal 2 decorations. And no, the fact that the proposal passed by a large margin nearly a year ago doesn’t matter. 6.) Remember that whole “melting pot” concept—of Americans, regardless of creed or color, coming together as one, inseparable entity? Yeah. That’s done. Now we recognize lots and lots and lots of little groups, for every ethnic group, religious minority, and other “identity” conceivable. At Michigan, they get T-shirts for it too! So there you have it. Six easy things to remember as you travel through the maze (or maize, as it may be) that is the University of Michigan. Have fun (but not too much), learn a lot (but nothing too extreme) and I hope to see you on campus (with a patch on your backpack and a meaningful slogan in your shirt).

acebook is a great way to stay in touch with old friends and scope out new classmates. Yet, as with any social interaction, there are some rules of etiquette to keep in mind if you want your Facebook experience to go smoothly. These guidelines will help you avoid sending the wrong message to those who look you up. DO put a picture up. If no one put up a picture, Facebook would not exist. Plus, if someone knows you by sight, but is unsure of your name, a picture clears all doubt. However, selectivity is key. Your picture should accurately represent you, with no pictures Photoshopped into deceiving attractiveness. Also, DON’T have multiple people in your picture. If there are two really hot people and one not-so-hot person, everyone will know the not-so-hot person is you. You’re fooling no one. DON’T use any pictures that can prematurely compromise your reputation. Pictures of your wild Thursday night parties will not boost your coolness factor. So, unless the pictures are still hilarious in the sober state, use better judgment and keep them on your digital camera. DO post the appropriate pictures in your photo album of the great times you are having at U of M. Friends enjoy taking a stroll down memory lane, and people who do not have the social life that you have enjoy living vicariously through yours. Be wary of detagging yourself. It may be a good option if a truly embarrassing picture is posted but it could offend a friend. DO join groups that reflect your interests. From TV shows you love to the beverages you drink, there really is no limit to the types of groups you can join. If you have an interest that has not sparked the creation of a group yet, create one. But, if you create a new group and later find that only one other person is in it with you, you must abandon ship even though you did create it. Also, DON’T join just any group that you have ever shared an interest with. We’re never going to know who you really are—especially

Becoming a Campus Activist in Five Easy Steps! By Zack Zucker, ‘10


he University of Michigan student body has a long history of campus activism. However, the activist life at the University of Michigan is not for everybody. It takes dedication, perseverance, and—occasionally—illicit drug use. If you have a sincere desire to get involved, though, follow these five steps to becoming a campus activist. Step One: Feel Really, Really Bad About Yourself Campus activists always have an axe to grind, and it’s usually against themselves. If you walk down the street and have an overwhelming urge to say “sorry” to someone of any race that yours has wronged in the past, you would make a perfect campus activist. Just watch a few propaganda films (Michael Moore offers a great introduction) to feel really, really bad about your government.

Step Two: Always Look Down When Walking to Class Don’t worry, you can be an activist and still have friends. But at Michigan, many meetings and rallies are publicized by written messages in chalk on sidewalks around the Diag. This method is cheap and effective, but also explains the notoriously low turnouts at protests the day after a storm. Step Three: Buy a “Che” Shirt Nothing says “I hate capitalism but don’t know enough about Communism” like wearing one of those fun Ché Guevara t-shirts. When the first thing about Ché that comes to mind is The Motorcycle Diaries or fighting for the working man, as opposed to, you know, killing scores of innocent people, you are on your way to becoming a campus activist. Step Four: Call the Papers Nothing says you truly care like getting

arrested…unless there’s no press coverage. And I’m not talking about the Daily—they’ll devote three days of front page coverage to some bum preaching hatred in the Diag— I’m talking about a source that matters. Even if you get what you demanded, stand strong and get arrested. It may look bad to have a criminal record when you decide you want to go to law school, but it gives you activist credibility in the eyes of the press. Step Five: Be a Hypocrite Come on, you’re not really going to stop drinking Coke or wearing name brand clothing. Who cares that your Ché shirt was only made so that a corporation could make a profit by exploiting cheap third-world labor? When you decide that you really hate Nike, but not as much as you really love those new Air Jordans, or think leather is evil but just have to have those new Uggs, you’ll officially be an activist at U-M. MR

since we barely know you in reality—if your group membership is all over the place. DO leave posts on others’ walls. Writing them is fun and getting them is a treat. Second, DO feel free to leave intriguing posts like “I had a great time last night” to let others know that you and the recipient of the message are tight—the more mysterious, the better. Thirdly, leave off the class assignments and meeting times for messages. You do not want to taint the wall with stressful schoolwork. Finally, DO respond promptly to all messages. Everyone knows you check Facebook as often as you do your Umich email account (maybe more), so respond to the message already. DO practice moderation in your privacy settings. Some information and select photos are not meant for strangers, potential employers, your RA, or DPS. But realize what you are doing when you completely block your profile from those who are not your friends. You may be protecting yourself, but you are also inhibiting other’s Facebook surfing fulfillment. If you do choose to totally block everyone, you could be seen as aloof and snobbish. The invention of the Newsfeed has rev-

While Facebook offers yet another way to meet and get to know people, it cannot measure up to real, live social interaction.

olutionized friendly Facebook stalking; it is now less work to see what your friends have updated in their profiles. But DON’T let this be an excuse for you to devote saved time to updating your own profile. You might think that updating frequently will keep you fresh in the minds of all your friends, but soon they will become desensitized and could forget about you on Facebook altogether. Relationship status remains a controversial profile item. Please, DO be honest. When you say that you are in an open relationship with someone of the same sex, we sometimes believe you. It may be your best friend, but this is Ann Arbor and we don’t know what to think. Also, for your own benefit, realize now that the awkwardness of defining a new relationship is only multiplied by Facebook. Poking still remains an awkward practice. Among sets of friends, proper poking behavior can be determined, but rules governing poking strangers are ambiguous. One should poke if interested, but if poked, reciprocation is unnecessary. Repeated poking is just as obnoxious as physically doing so in real life, so please refrain. By following these simple rules, you can dominate Facebook. However, it is important to note that while Facebook offers yet another way to meet and get to know people, it cannot measure up to real, live social interaction. So for those friends of yours at U-M visit them down the hall or go out on campus rather than relying on Facebook. MR

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features. the michigan review

Life on the Outskirts: The Ups and Downs of Living Across the Huron North Campus May be Distant, but not the End of the World for Freshman By Blake Emerson, ‘09


FTER YOU MAKE your choice to attend Michigan, there is one thing you have absolutely no control over: your housing assignment. Sure, you rank your dorm preferences, but since virtually no one chooses North Campus, a large number of freshmen are effectively forced to live in the expansive, distant, and ugly-as-hell Bursley or Baits. Perhaps the most dreadful situation for an incoming student is opening up the housing assignment to the realization that you will be taking a bus to classes every day. Well, as a student who lived in Bursley his freshman year, I can tell you that it, thankfully, will not make or break your college experience. Part of the negative view of north campus is appropriate. How many schools place a large percentage of new students on an altogether different campus, where they will have to get up earlier to catch crowded morning buses? On weekends, waiting twenty minutes for buses can make you mad and possibly give you frostbite. Being up North makes partying on central campus much more difficult, since you have to tell your friends you may not be able to make it for over 20 minutes. Despite these negative aspects, do not let people convince you that you will want to transfer. Meeting friends is easier on north campus. People are sequestered to north campus unless they have a reason to go down to central campus, meaning you run into the same people more often. Even when you do go to central campus, you can bond with people on bus rides. This is especially true on the “drunk bus,” the name given to buses headed back to north campus after 1am on weekends. If you are social and willing to meet new people, north campus may be a blessing in disguise. Other enjoyable entities include the food, which is better at Bursley than anywhere else on campus. Also, the renovated “Blue Apple” is a great place to grab a bite to eat or watch

You don’t want to end up here, at Bursley Hall. a show on a flat panel TV. My biggest piece of advice is to make use of the Duderstadt (“Dude”) library, the best library on campus in my opinion. With coffee shops and food, this is a great place to spend the day during peak study periods. Despite the negative aspects, I look back on my north campus experience and smile. With the right attitude, you may find that the dread you felt when reading your housing assignment was all for naught. MR

Perspectives of an Out-of-Stater

A Short Guide to the State of Michigan

By Christine Hwang, ‘10

By Zack Zucker, ‘10



nlike most of my college friends, the University of Michigan was not the natural choice for me. Without scholarships, I pay nearly three times as much as most who to go to this university—but I still wouldn’t choose to go anywhere else. Despite having more out-of-state students than any state school in the country, the instate presence is still evident. Most students come to the University of Michigan from outof-state because it has a little bit of everything: Nearly all of its academic departments, from anthropology to sports management, are ranked among the top ten in the nation. Saturday mornings can be spent in the stands of the biggest college football stadium in the world; singing the most popular college fight song. All the while watching the team with the most wins since the beginning of college football. Thursday evenings can be spent listening to a world-renowned musician in Hill Auditorium or cramming ideas and numbers at one of the coffee shops in the most awesome college town anywhere. Another option is releasing the week’s stress with the social scene and beverage of your choice. But what is it like as an “outsider”? I am a Republican and a Christian from Alabama who attended a small private school for thirteen years of my life. I wasn’t supposed to transition into Michigan as well as I did, but one of the gems of the University of Michigan is that it’s so big you’re bound to meet a friend who you click with right away. You may meet someone in your dorm, at a party, or in a class, and then end up bonding with his or her entire in-state high school clique. Half of my friends are from Troy (one of those metroDetroit suburbs that you’re bound to become familiar with). By now, I know all the quirks and characters of their childhoods. Every now and then I have to sit through their amusing, but repetitive, stories of this girl one of them liked in the ninth grade or this guy who has an awesome voice (“You’ve got to hear it to understand, Christine.”), but I’m sure it makes up for the hundreds of times I’ve mused about snow: something I had never really seen before October 12, 2006, the first day it snowed on the University of Michigan campus last school year. I guarantee you warm-staters that the second you start talking about how beautiful snow is, every native Michigander within a ten foot radius will tell you about how annoying it is and how they had to shovel it off the driveway at 6 a.m. As an out-of-stater, the first time you mention driving up to Detroit, most people will tell you that it’s the most depressing place on earth. But go there--at least once--and feel its emptiness. Then, go to Comerica Park and Ford Field, they’re pretty cool. The second you start complaining about how lame the parties are and, (if you’re a guy) how there aren’t any attractive girls on campus, the in-staters will tell you that all the wild parties and hot girls are at Michigan State because all the nerds came to Michigan. Every now and then remind your in-state friends that you’re not that different: You watched Bugs Bunny as a child, remember September 11, and wrote about the dumbest things for your application essays, too. Then, pretty soon, you’ll be able to give directions on the palm of your hand and trudge through the slush and the snow like you’ve had Maize-and-Blue running through your blood for your entire life. You’ll be your own person, with a very different background than most of the students at this world-class university, but part of something really big and really great, and that’s what it means to be a Michigan Wolverine. MR

NN ARBOR - Berkeley… but with less Mexicans… and more snow. Oops, HispanicAmericans. Please keep in mind, at U-M we consider it politically incorrect to mention any specific race, ethnicity, etc. But you’re safe if you add a hyphen and then call said group Americans. Bloomfield Hills – Like West Bloomfield, except richer. Never heard of West Bloomfield? Go to Markley. Dearborn - Home to Ford and the largest Arab community in the Midwest. Sorry, no joke here people. Detroit - City that coined the term “pop.” We don’t say “soda” in Michigan. You will be going to Detroit for one of two reasons. First, for the sports and entertainment—Detroit has three amazing casinos (sorry, 21+) and newly renovated theatres. Second, because it’s on the way to Canada, where you’ll be driving to get drunk once you turn 19. Third, despite being the most segregated large city in America, Detroit is making significant progress: metro Detroiters no longer find it ironic that our hockey team plays in Detroit, while our basketball team plays in the suburbs. Grand Rapids - The city that Dick DeVos built. Seriously, he pretty much owns the entire city. Great Lakes - Michigan’s surrounded by four of them. Only three of them are great, though. Lake Erie smells funny…probably because it also touches Ohio. Grosse Pointe - Five cities abutting Detroit and Lake Saint Clair, considered one of Michigan’s classiest places. I cannot say anything bad about it, because I hope someday to live there and I know that they are the rich conservatives that read this paper. Kalamazoo - Yes, there is an actual city named Kalamazoo. No, there is no good reason to go there, except for a drinking holiday at Western…so, like, the weekend. Lansing - State capitol and enemy territory. No, I’m not talking about the Democrats. East Lansing is home to Michigan State University. Novi - If the School of Engineering founded a city, it would be Novi. Pontiac - Where many metro Detroiters go clubbing; former home of Detroit’s minor league football team, the Lions. Troy - Rich girls, you will shop here at the fabulous Somerset Collection… and I know you’re rich, because you’re from out-of-state and go to U-M. “Up North” - This is where everyone in Michigan goes to vacation. Basically, people go up to Mackinac Island to eat fudge and smell horse feces in the summer and Boyne to ski “enhanced” mountains in the winter. In reality, Michigan is flatter than Nicole Ritchie. Upper Peninsula (“The U.P.”) - People from the Upper Peninsula are called Yoopers. They’re practically Canadian. Much like Michigan’s mascot, the Wolverine, Yoopers supposedly once existed in Michigan, but none have ever been seen near the University of Michigan’s campus. MR

Welcome Weekend

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welcome weekend. the michigan review

Simple Rules for Football Saturdays By Adam Paul, ‘08


egardless of whether the September 1 game against Appalachian State will be your first trip to the Big House, or if Michigan Football is a tradition you have enjoyed with your family for years, once you step into Michigan Stadium as a student everything changes. Being a part of the student section is serious business. By the second week of the term it’s going to seem impossible to get up for your 11am class, but you will be wide awake at 8am on football Saturday to get in a great pre-game without fail. First off, the student section is strictly standing room only. No, it’s not because the section is vastly overcrowded (although freshmen stuck in the upper rows may think that). But you won’t be standing for the entire game. Halftime and TV commercials give students a rest. Do not complain in September that it’s too hot because if you do you will have no credibility when you complain in November that it’s too cold. Nor are cold, rain, or snow an excuse to leave the game early. No season at the Big House will go by without a few dramatic victories like a triple overtime victory over MSU or a last-second, game-winning touchdown pass against Penn State. If you are going to sneak your friends around the Stadium, I do not want to hear about it. The “hey can you see me, I’m waving my arms, I’m wearing yellow (along with everyone else), no look higher” conversation should not be part of anyone’s football experience. You have to bring the noise. The Big House has its name for a reason; no one else has the capacity we do, so use that to make more noise than anyone else. Football is not a time to catch-up with friends or find out who hooked-up with whom last night (err... this morning). Get into the game. Too many times I have seen the “You suck” cheer look like it was preformed by zombies from Thriller. The motion is a Wolverine claw, so

On football Saturdays, don’t be *that* guy, or *that* girl. please make it look that way. The wave should be performed, but not at the expense of the team. The reason the wave is positioned in the late third quarter is that if the game is a blow-out, you have something extra, but if the game is close you don’t miss the closing seconds. That aside, the wave is a five-minute ritual. Give it time, but do not turn to the person next to you and say “when did we get the ball back?” when its over. In fact, never say that. There is a reason we call our morning parties pre-games and that’s because the

game is the true main event. When you pregame, remember that you are going to be standing and cheering for three hours. So play beer pong, have a hot dog, but do not come to the game pass-out drunk. Trust me: the people around you are not going to hold you up. Speaking of being hoisted up: ladies, take some advice if you plan to get lifted when U-M scores. Sure its fun to have half dozen guys toss you in the air to commemorate a field goal or touch-down, but you may want to rethink the skirt.

Your Essential Guide to Welcome Weekend How to party it up like a college student without making a fool out of yourself. By Adam Pascarella, ‘10


o you have just arrived at the University of Michigan, one of the premier academic institutions in the country. You are anxious to take advantage of all of the research opportunities in the Ann Arbor and you cannot wait to do six hours of homework every night. Am I right? I didn’t think so. Most freshmen arrive at their dormitories during the week before classes begin. Coincidentally, (or maybe not), this week is known as Welcome Week and it is one of the most memorable and exciting times of the year in Ann Arbor. While most freshmen want to immediately party after stepping foot on campus, there are a few things you should keep in mind. Guys, for one thing, you need to appreciate that you will be allowed to pretty much go to any party that has alcohol in the city. At this point in the year, fraternities are looking to recruit new members for the fall pledge class; they will pretty much allow you to drink their house dry as long as you show some sign of interest. While you’re at it, instead of trying to hook up with every drunk girl at the party, try to meet as many people as you can. By networking with as many fraternity brothers and older students as you can, you will be able to attend more parties once Welcome Week ends. While all of your friends will be standing in a line trying to get into a fraternity party in 20 degree weather, you will be enjoying the countless games of beer pong and flip cup at the party.

For the ladies, Welcome Week can be one of the most nerve-wracking times during their entire freshman year. For starters, if you are meeting your roommate for the first time, realize that first impressions are key. For example, if your roommate is taking up all of the closet space from the moment you arrive in the room, you can expect a long year. Even if you do have a horrible roommate, meeting everyone in your hall will be a great decision. Simply put, your neighbors will become your best friends; you will study, exercise, and party with them throughout the year. Roommate issues aside, the ladies will most likely want to hit up the nonstop parties throughout campus during Welcome Week. While you may want to go completely crazy because your parents are not watching your every move, you need to be smart about how to party. As a general rule, when trying to find a party, never walk in a huge group of girls from your dorm—we’ll all notice. Whether this is good or bad is solely up to you, but we generally recommend that the ladies party with a small group of friends. Also, on any night during Welcome Week, it won’t matter which party you go to but rather how many. Wherever you go, make sure to keep track of your friends even though you may clearly be more inebriated than they are. Whether you try to pass Welcome Week by making as many friends as possible or by remaining in a drunken stupor, Welcome Week is the stereotype of what college is actually like; make sure you take advantage of every opportunity. MR

Be sure to give campus celebrities their due. People like hot dog guy with his frankfurter tossing and the U-M band really do enhance the game experience. This advice should help you make each game at the Big House a memorable experience. On a personal note, let me reiterate a bit of official University advice, “Don’t Trash the Big House.” As someone who has worked cleaning the place on Sunday, some cleanliness would be greatly appreciated. MR

“First Day” From Page 5 to buy the extra materials. Want to save more money? Look online on websites like and to find your textbooks at lower prices, and have them shipped to you. And don’t worry about time. Professors don’t expect you to have the texts on the first or even the second or third day of class. DO buy most of your school supplies before the first day. Just as in 3rd grade, it pays to go school shopping with your mom a few weeks ahead. Not only will she probably pay for all your pencils and notebooks, you will avoid exorbitant prices, empty shelves, and long lines by coming to school with an assortment of notebooks, binders, and looseleaf. DON’T wait until 10 minutes before your class to search for the classroom. Take some of the nervousness out of the first day by taking a walk around campus with some friends to find your classrooms a few days before. By not having to rely on the map, you’ll feel more confident and less jittery when walking to those first couple of classes. Lastly, DO remember that it’s 4,000 other students’ first day, and any embarrassing moment or mortifying mistake will soon be something to laugh over with new friends. Make sure to enjoy the first day of what’s supposed to be the best four years of your life! MR

Ann Arbor

P. 14

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best of a . 2

the michigan review

What We’ve Got: The Best of the Rest in Ann Arbor Best Food Cheap Eats Za’s E. University and S. University Za’s features delicious customized Italian food. Just get in line, fill out a meal ticket, and enjoy your food. The restaurant also features a nice atmosphere for lunchtime hangouts with friends. Potbelly’s S. State and E. Liberty For cheap warm sandwiches, check out Potbelly’s. Their Oatmeal Chocolate Chip cookies are a campus favorite, as well as their milkshakes. The laid back atmosphere is great for studying or just pigging out with friends. Zingermanns’ Delicatessen 422 Detroit St.: Not exactly a cheap eat, but it is well worth the extra cost. Zingermanns’ is a world famous deli, and one visit will be enough to convince you why. If you like corned beef this is the place to go. If deli meat is not your taste, there is always the bread section.

Night on the Town (or When the Parents are in Town to Pay)

that happens on the ice, and crowd participation is required, not just encouraged. U-M coach Red Berenson normally puts a good team on the ice, and the program has been a springboard for NHLers including Marty Turco, Aaron Ward, Mike Knuble, and more recently, star defenseman Jack Johnson. While the men’s basketball program hasn’t seen as much success as of late, the recent hiring of new coach John Beilein may reinvigorate the program. Known as a “coach’s coach,” it’ll be worth dropping by Crisler Arena in the winter to see what Beilein can do with some of the nation’s top recruits. Go to either a Michigan State game for the in-state rivalry, or an Ohio State game to relive the storied football rivalry, or a Duke game, since they’ve returned to the U-M schedule after a long absence. While these are the “money” sports for the University, they don’t hold a monopoly on athletic talent. Go to another event— they’re always free—and check out the depth of our Athletic department. Amanda Nichols

Though Ann Arbor may not get as many major marquee performers as Detroit, there are a number of popular venues in the immediate campus area that play host to smaller and up-and-coming artists. You shouldn’t check out of college without having checked out these venues: The Blind Pig N. Liberty and First Consistently rated as a top campus venue nationwide, The Blind Pig is a good place to catch emerging artists in genres from indie rock to hip hop. Nirvana played there before, well, you know…

BD’s Mongolian Barbeque S. Main Load up on a variety of meats, vegetables, and sauces and watch the lively staff at Mongolian BBQ prepare your dish on a large grill. A fun place to take your parents when they visit for Parent’s Weekend.

Best (Non-Football) Sports Think you’re a Michigan fan? Well, simply darkening the doorway of the Big House doesn’t quite prove that. While football reigns supreme here at U-M, there are lots of other athletic events you can—and should—attend while a student at the University. The hockey team is a perennial favorite among students, and the fans at Yost Ice Arena are passionate and raucous. Make sure you know the cheers, though, before you go; there is one for just about anything

Best Shopping Ann Arbor shopping offers a little something for everyone. Within a few short blocks on campus, there are stores to match every price range and personal style. Urban Outfitters is on of the most popular shopping destinations for Michi-

ment you need. Group projects and group studying that involve extensive discussion and are best done in the company of others undertaking similar tasks. Your predecessors have decided that the undergraduate library, lovingly called the UGLi, is the most social and loud library on this campus. Take advantage of it. If your study habits tend towards the hermetical or if you have more work than you can fathom, head over to the stacks of the Grad Library. Not only are they filled with all of the books you need to write papers or get clarification on class material, they are filled with study carrels. They are full only around exam time, and they are usually used by people who need to quiet to concetrate on their work. Important as it is to spend time on your work, it is not everthing. Saul Bellow once warned, “People can lose their lives in libraries. They ought to be warned.” That said, enjoy your work. You will certainly have a lot of it. Marie Cour

Best Concert Venues

Gratzi S. Main and W. Williams Gratzi serves fresh and delicious Northern Italian cuisine. The restaurant is located in an old theatre with beautiful frescos. A little pricey, but the dining experience is well worth it. A great place to impress a date.

Chop House S. Main and W. Williams The crème da la crème of Ann Arbor dining. The Chop House is a nationally famous Steak House. This meal will set you back a bit, but you will feel like a celebrity with the great service and excellent food. Rebecca Christy

The Halfass S. University and E. University This venue officially known as the Halfway Inn is located in the basement of East Quad. The small theatre is run by the East Quad Music Co-Operative. It mainly features local bands and artists, but has scored a few major shows, including a performance by indie darling My Brightest Diamond last year. Michael O’Brien

The Ark S. Main and W. Liberty Known for its focus on folk, the Ark is known as an intimate, acoustic-only venue. It features everyone from the unknowns to more major mainstream and folk artists, like Cary Brothers, from the Garden State soundtrack. Michigan Theatre S. State and E. Liberty Located on East Liberty St., the Michigan Theatre is home to the largest and most popular concerts. Everyone from Death Cab for Cutie to Broken Social Scene to jam band Gov’t Mule have performed there. The venue also has a movie theatre and often hosts stand-up comedians like George Carlin. Be sure to check Michigan Theatre’s schedule on a regular basis.

gan students. Located on State Street, it sells men’s and women’s clothing as well as shoes, jewelry and home furnishings. There are always items on sale at the back of the store, so with a little effort it is not hard to find good deals. Urban’s style captures young Ann Arbor fashion well. Also on State Street, Bivouac sells men’s and women’s fashion, as well as outdoor and fitness apparel. Bivouac sells brands like North Face, Lacoste, True Religion, AG jeans, Seven, Michael Star, and Free People. Prices are more expensive so it is best to look for off-season sales or just the occasional piece. American Apparel, on East Liberty, sells t-shirts, tank tops, jackets, hoodies dresses and leggings in tons of bright colors and simple fabrics. Poshh, a small boutique on East Liberty, has more expensive clothing but very unique jewelry ranging from $10$30. If you stick to accessories at Poshh you can find unique pieces at reasonable prices. If you love one-of-a-kind pieces and are willing to put in effort in searching, go to Star Vintage on State, or Ana Banana on South University. Prices are moderate and you won’t see anyone else on campus with your clothes. Briarwood Mall is another option for shopping. It isn’t within walking distance but can be reached by bus. Briarwood has popular favorites like Forever 21, H&M, Macy’s, JCrew, GAP, and Victoria’s Secret. If you are looking for always-popular Michigan wear, try Steve and Barry’s on State or Ulrich’s Spirit Shop on South University. Kate O’Connor

Best Study Spots For better or for worse, college life is filled with homework. For some, the work will be an end in itself. Even if you plan to spend more time at house parties than in the library, you should know that hours to reading, cramming, and typing stand between you and your diploma. Once you have grudingly accepted, that you have work to complete you need to find a place to tackle it all. Some of this depends on the type of work that needs to be done and the environ-

Best Drunk Food

After leaving the club, the bar, the frat, or that random house-party, no one ever really wants to go home. A perfect way to avoid much needed sleep a bit longer while still fueling the body is, of course, drunk food. Campus offers an array of places to satisfy those late night cravings and to ensure a positive experience to round out your evening. Here is a review of some of the best drunk food in town. BTB This small burrito shop goes by just its initials, because it is shorter and helps to get around some legal pressures brought by the Big Ten Conference. BTB, with its single table, may be one of State St.’s smallest eateries, but its food is some of the biggest. The burritos, nachos, and tacos are enormous. These giant mixtures of shell, bean, and meat are the perfect way to end the night. BTB even seems designed to cater to the late night crowd as your beer blanket will come in handy when you wait in line outside in December. Backroom Pizza Like BTB, its tiny size means you may end up waiting outside. The beauty of this Church St. staple exists in the intersection between greasiness and affordability. You cannot go wrong with $1 cheese slices glittering with a deliciously unhealthy sheen. New York Pizza Depot (NYPD) A bit more expensive than Backroom, NYPD nevertheless has more topping variety as well as the benefit of seating at both the E. Williams and S. University locations. If you need a break from your own unbalanced steps, this is an excellent place to rest. Adam Paul

College Life

P. 15

Summer 2007

Crash Course in CTools

Discovering Detroit : A Guide to Your Newest Neighbor

By Anna Malecke, ‘10

By Brian Biglin, ‘08



y definition of a horrible first day of class: having the professor ask you to introduce yourself by identifying your favorite part of the article that was assigned- an article you knew nothing about. Yes, this did happen to me, but happily it can be avoided by reading this article, a crash course in Ctools. Ctools is the University’s online tool allowing professors to organize and facilitate courses as well as communicate with students. The first thing you should notice about ctools is that you have a different tab and page for each one of your classes. If one does not show up by your first day of class, tell your professor. However, be sure to check the drop box on the right side of the screen before you accost your professor. Ctools can be overwhelming at first because of all the different ways professors employ the site. The most common way professors use Ctools is to post Announcements. Now don’t get paranoid and check your Ctools as much as your Facebook throughout the first two weeks like I did. Ctools will email your Umich account when one of your professors posts an announcement. Whenever a professor posts something under Resources, they will usually make a Ctools announcement about it to alert you. The Resources component of Ctools allows professors to post anything from slides, articles, or movies as well as required and optional material for students. If you do have an assignment involving something posted on ctools, it pays to make sure you can download it a few days before. Despite your professors’ promises, sometimes that required movie or reading just will not download. If you’ve realized this in advance, it’s easy to contact your professor to fix the problem. If it’s midnight the night before that ten-page essay is due, the solution isn’t that easy. Some professors also require you to submit assignments on Ctools. This is simple if you remember to both attach and then submit the assignment. Another use of Ctools that might not be as widespread is the discussion function, allowing professors and students to have written dialogs. Ctools also features a drop box, which lets professors and students share files. This is also used to submit papers and other assignments for some professors. And don’t develop a habit of switching back and forth between your Umich e-mail and Ctools. You can check your account under My Workspace on Ctools. Professors use Ctools in all different ways according to their preferences. Make sure to become familiar with it early and to explore all the different ways it can be useful to you in your studies. MR

hen Ann Arbor starts to bore you, a trip to Detroit, just 40 miles east of U-M and the nation’s 11th largest city, becomes an appealing option. Culture, history, and a redeveloping downtown can be found in the city. The Review will keep you updated on news regarding a possible commuter rail line between Detroit and Ann Arbor, but for now, getting to Detroit basically requires a car. Use this as a preliminary guide to visiting one of the most stigmatized and misunderstood cities in the world, so that you can come to your own conclusions about the city. Music and Theatre: Detroit has the second most theatre seats of US cities, and plenty of events to fill them. Here is a list of the most famous venues, all in downtown and midtown, where you can see a show: The State Theatre: the site of concerts for many major bands and artists, a favorite among the college crowd. Located at 2115 Woodward, near Comerica Park. The Fox Theatre: The second largest theatre in America is also one of its most elaborate and lavish theatres anywhere. At 2211 Woodward next to the State, it hosts major concerts, variety shows, and other events. Detroit Opera House: This famous venue off of Grand Circus Park near Comerica Park features an extensive opera season, an annual appearance of The Nutcracker, and some musicals such as the upcoming Lion King. Located at 1526 Broadway Street at Madison in downtown. The Magic Stick and Majestic Theatre: Usually considered Detroit’s best live music venue, the Magic Stick features several performances per week, bringing in small upstarts and major independent artists alike, and the Majestic is next-door theatre featuring larger shows. Both are attached to a busy bar, restaurant, and bowling alley which is a favorite of Wayne State students and midtown residents. Located at 4120 Woodward Avenue, a few minutes south of I-94, in midtown. The Hilberry: On the campus of Wayne State in Midtown is this graduate repertory theatre in a historic building. Located at 4841 Cass Avenue, this theatre features an extensive schedule of plays and musicals. Another Wayne State theatre is The Bonstelle, a former synagogue at 3424 Woodward.

Orchestra Hall: Home of the Detroit Symphony Orchestra and the preeminent place to hear classical music in the region. This is an architectural and acoustical gem, with an extensive year-round schedule. Located at 3663 Woodward Avenue in midtown. See also: The Masonic Temple (500 Temple Ave. in midtown), Music Hall (350 Madison St. downtown) The Fisher Theatre (mostly Broadway shows, at 3011 W. Grand Blvd.), and The Gem and Century Theatres (on Madison across from Music Hall, near the stadiums). 5 Downtown Sights to See: Downtown Detroit, one of the few areas in the region with a growing population, is also known for its hundreds of restaurants, bars, and clubs, in addition to its public squares, riverfront views, and events. There are three casinos in or near downtown—each is currently building a high rise hotel. Three professional teams play downtown: the Tigers at Comerica Park, the Red Wings on the river at Joe Louis Arena, and the Lions at Ford Field across from Comerica Park. Campus Martius Park: Detroit’s town square, at the confluence of several thoroughfares, amid downtown skyscrapers. The Project for Public Spaces recently called the park one of North America’s best public squares. The park features an ice rink during the winter, a lawn for concerts in the summer, and anchors multiple downtown festivals such as Motown Winter Blast. Compuware Corporation recently built its headquarters, replete with a massive indoor waterfall and Detroit’s Hard Rock Café, on the north side of the park. The redevelopment success of Detroit and the challenges ahead--seen in the gaps in the skyline awaiting new development--cannot be understood without a visit to Campus Martius Park. The park is located on lower Woodward Avenue at the corner of Michigan Avenue. The Guardian Building: A visit to this 1920s art deco skyscraper amid other corporate cathedrals on Griswold Street shows just how wealthy Detroit once was. Enter on Congress Street between Woodward and Griswold to see the lavish lobby area and the shops contained inside. Afterwards, notice the other pre-1930 skyscrapers, such as the Penobscot and Dime Buildings, on neighboring blocks. Greektown: Centered on Monroe Street between Brush and St. Antoine, this historic strip of Victorian-era storefronts contains the highest concentration of en-

tertainment, food, and drink in the city. Greektown Casino is currently building a thirty-story hotel on the eastern end of the strip, near historic St. Mary’s Church. Greektown, especially busy on weekend nights, is within walking distance of Campus Martius and the stadiums. The Renaissance Center and Riverfront Promenade: General Motors headquarters are contained within these massive towers, and GM was responsible for turning this former fortress into a people-friendly facility with a sweeping, glassy mall leading to the riverfront, where you can walk onto a promenade overlooking the skyline and Canada to the south. It can be accessed from Jefferson Avenue near Brush St., from a river-side entrance off Atwater Street, or from a People Mover stop. Grand Circus Park: If you go to a Tigers game, you will find yourself within a block of this large park. Grand Circus, which is the gateway to downtown, is on both sides of Woodward at Adams Street. Other Must-Sees: Detroit Institute of Art: This massive, historic museum contains hundreds of world-famous originals from notable artists. The Detroit Film Theatre is attached, and is a great place to see documentaries and independents. Located on Woodward north of Warren, within a block of the central Detroit Public Library, Wayne State University, and the Detroit Science Center. Brush Park: Quickly becoming a symbol of gentrification, Brush Park is a 19th century neighborhood east of Woodward and north of downtown which fell into ruins, only to see rehabilitation and infill since around 2000. A drive along John R St. from Winder St. to Canfield St. will display these changes, and the work is yet to be done. Eastern Market: This large historic farmers market, with stores and restaurants around its perimeter, is bustling, especially on Saturdays. Most of the establishments are closed on Sunday. Located along and east of Russell Street just north of Gratiot outside of downtown. Mexicantown: West of downtown, shops and restaurants, in addition to large sections of Hispanic-majority neighborhoods, abound in this neighborhood displaying the success of one immigrant group in Detroit. Accessed from I-75 exit 47a, going north three blocks on Scotten Street to Vernor. Bagley Street near I-75 is another popular strip. MR

Five Bad Habits You Will Develop in College By Rebecca Christy, ‘08 1. Lower Standards Just because the pond is bigger does not mean that the quality got any better. Michigan is known for its brains, not its bodies. Sacrifices must be made in order to attend one of the best public universities in the nation, and a lack of eye candy is one of them. Excess amounts of alcohol will not help you make better decisions, either. They will just make you feel like you are getting more for your money--at least until the next morning. 2. The Classic and (Seemingly Unavoidable) Freshman Fifteen I worked out almost every day freshman year and was still scolded by my doctor for gaining ten pounds. There are few people who can avoid the drunk munchies, which is unfortunate because you rarely remember the satisfaction you

felt scarfing down a slice of pizza from In and Out or a burrito from Big Ten the morning after. 3. Acquiring Mass Amounts of Television Shows on DVD Regularly scheduled programming does not work for the average college student. With homework, evening classes, and group meetings, making time to watch a television show on the same night each week requires devotion. In order to catch up, students buy their favorite shows for the convenience of watching them whenever they want. Added bonus, it is a lot easier to justify watching an entire season of Arrested Development in one sitting. 4. Mastering the Art of Doing Anything But Study As midterms and finals roll around you will suddenly become aware of all the things you have neglected to do during the semester. You suddenly realize that the bottom of your

laundry pile has shorts even though it is December. And although you insist the floor of your dorm room doubles as a shelf, all the books and papers on the floor really should be organized by class and alphabetized. You will also be in the best shape of your life when you decide finals week is a great time to get back into the gym. You may not ace the test, but you will lower your cholesterol. 5. Excess in General The freedom of college allows an individual to experiment with the notion of too much of a good thing. It seems almost every college student has the epiphany that they will never do (insert activity here) again. Trust me, you will. And as long as you learn eventually…that is all that matters. MR

Summer 2007

P. 16


MR The

Michigan Review

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Summer Orientation Issue W W W. M I C H I G A N R E V I E W. C O M Inside: The Fall’s 5 Biggest Issues, p. 3 Editorials, p. 4 First Day Advi...

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