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Summer. 2000

THE IIICBIOAIf RBVIBW - SlUU'aNT'S TOOTH

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SERPENT'S TOOTH The Campus Affairs Journal of the University of Michigan The Take Back the NIght march was coed the first time this year. Men who marched in it though were disappointed when they realized that it wasn't as great a place to pick up chicks as they thought it would be. It appears that the six year old who allegedly shot and killed a classmate will be given a 90 day expulsion from school for his alleged deeds. School officials said he would have gotten a rwo-year expulsion, however, if he had improperly kissed her instead of just killing her. PETA, or People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, protested the calling for college students to drink milk instead of beer, claiming that drinking beer is healthier than drinking milk. This was followed by the President's announcement that an island populated entirely of naked Amazon women has been discovered off the Gulf of Mexico, the FDA's announcement that eating Slim Jims and nachos fights cancer, and the discovery that men who watch pornos all day long live longer than men who don't. The University of Michigan has now agreed to admit a lmited number of stduent who scored highly on a series of tests designed to measure general intelligence, which as proficiency with Legos. Rumor has it that future admissions places will be reserved for high-scoring Scrabble players, masters of Chutes and Ladders , and creative designers of imaginary friends. However, a proposal to admit champion Monopoly players fell through after the University declared that the game fosters "an aggressive pro-capitalist philosopy." Editor-at-Large Matthew S. Schwartz as turned down an internship at the Moonie-owned Washington limes in favor of the Detroit News this summer. In a related story, Mr. Schwartz Canceled his plans to marry a complete stranger on August 23 at RFK Stadium with 40,000 other couples who have never met before. Michigamua agreed to "change there name" from Michigamua to "Michigamua: New Traditions for a New Millennium." How is that name any less offensive than the first? That's like changing your name from "AI Sharpton" to "Hi, my name is Al Sharpton." John McCain has come under fire recently for his use of the word "go oks" to describe his Norrh Vietnamese captors. He quickly apologized, however, admitting the word "gooks" wasn't particularly appropriate, and promised to only describe

his captors as "dirty gOQks" or "filthy gooks." French Prime Minister Lionel Jospin was slightly injured during ail appearance in the West Bank last month when several students threw stones at him after he accused the Hezbollah of being terrorists. Thirty students were eventually arrested for their part in the incident, but not before Jospin surrendered all of France to the Palestinians. It has been reported that 83 percent of the first time offenders arrested for last year's Michigan State riots were incarcerated, compared to the national rate of22 percent for similar crimes, which just proves to show that an 'MSU education does indeed help one excel in at least some areas.

President Clinton is warning Israel not to sell military technology to Communist China. Unfortunately, Clinton made the demand not out of disgust against the Reds' brutal oppression of their own people, but with the claim that "Dammit, it someone is going to profit from the coming invasion ofTaiwan, it oughta be the U.S.!" Recently MIM Notes asked its readers to send letters to prisons, demanding that wardens stop denying prisoners MIM Notes and MIM Theory. For once, we here at Serpent's Tooth agree with the Maoist International Movement. In fact, not only do we believe prisons should allow prisoners access to this literature, we think MIM lessons should be mandatory. After all, forcing convicted rapists, robbers and murderers to listen to MIM Theory for 8 or 10 hours a day, everyday for years would bea most appropriate punishment for their misdeeds. Of course, the U.S. Supreme Court would probably rule such a policy "cruel and unusual" punishment. Last Monday and Tuesday, the Review spent all day in the Fishbowl manning an information table and selling copies of the book David Horowitz's Hating Whitey. During the fourteen hours or so that we manned the table, roughly 50 people stopped by to buy the book, ask questions, or ask to join the staff of the Review. We were somewhat discouraged by this low turnout, until we recognized that was about 50 more visitors than the BAMN table next . to us received. Serpent's Tooth recently learned of SOLE's failed attempt to protest against the University Advisory Committee on Labor and Human Rights. The morons couldn't find the right door! And that's not

"Do not tau1I( Happy FUll Bal!!"

JamesY. Yeh the half there - they had to leave a note! (Seriously!) Hence, the Serpents Tooth has formed a bi-partisian steering committee to advise SOLE for its "incompitence" (yes, we mispelled that on purpose) . The following report was drawn up: Three · Golden Rules of Sweatshop Activism: 1. Bring a compass and map. 2. If you're going to protest someone, call to make sure they're in their office first. Leaving a note on the door makes you look like such amateurs! 3. It takes brains to make an argument, so if you lack them, go to plan B: violence, chaos, and destruction Last Thursday, Habitat for Humanity held their Third Annual Sleep Out on the Diag. About a hundred students slept out on the Diag, but organizers were dismayed to discover that roughly half of them were just drunks who weren't able to make it all the way home from their frat parties. Recently, much to our dismay, infamous campus rabble-rouser Jessica 'Tm not 'White,' I'm 'Other'" Curtin and her cohorts had their rioting charges dismissed. So unfortunately, we won't be able to see Jessica and her cronies squirming on the stand like we had planned. However, we can see them all next month when they appear with the recently pardoned FALN terrorists in 0.]. Simpson's Fourth Annual Miscarriage of Justice Celebrity Golf Tournament. The annual Feminist Fair came and went last week. The organizers said that they wanted to show off the positive side of feminism . This, unfortunately for the feminists, meant that they had to close the ever so popular "Castrate a Frat Boy" booth. Serpent's Tooth has had to deal with annoying social and fashion behavior long enough, so here's how to stop it: • Iro not complain about how it's "so boring" in Ann Arbor. You're here for 4 years (at least), deal with it. • Never, ever wear . black pants, a black shit, and a black coat. You're at college, not a funeral . • Resist the urge to use your cell phone in crowded areas . Nothing is so urgent that everyone in a 10 foot radius has to hear about it. • Last, but not least, don't walk in packs. Yes, we can tell that you're freshmen.

,_____

Editor-in-Chief

James Justin Wilson Publisher, Managing Editor

Michael D. Austin Managing Editor

Jacob F.M. Oslick Managi"ng Editor

Matthew Franczak National Affairs Editor

R. Colin Pain't er Senior Editor

Matthew S. Schwartz Editor-at-Large

SATIRE EDITOR:David Guipe ASSISTANT EDITOR: Dustin Lee ILLUSTRATOR: Astrid Phillips ONLINE EDITOR: Rabeh Sooli

STAFF WRITERS: Alex Feng, Tim Maull, David Sacket4 Kurt Rademacher, Curt Robertson, Ryan Serra EDITORS EMERITI:Lee Bockhorn BeJtiamin Kepple The Michigan Review is the independen t, s t u d e nt ~ run journal of conservative and libertarian opinion at the Univef~ity of M"ichigan. We neithe r so li~it nor accept monetary donations fro m the U- M . Contri butions to the Michigan Review are taxdeductible under Section SO l (c)(3) of the lntemal Revenue Code. The Re vie\\' is not affili ated with a ny political pany or university poli tica l group. Unsigned editori als represent the opinion of the editorial board. Ergo, they are· unequivocally correct and just. Signed anicles. letters, and cartoons represent the opinions of the. author and no t necessarily those of the Rf!view. The Serpent's Tooth shall represent the opinion of indi vidual anonymo us t:onlribUlors to the. Revic',"'. and sho uld not neces.sarily be take n as represe ntative of [he Review's editorial stance. The o pinions presented in this publication are not necessaril y those of the advertisers or of the University of Mi chigan. W e

welcome letters. articles. and comments about the journal. Please address a ll ad verti sing, subscription inq uiri c:o;, and do nations to Publisher clo the Michigan Review. F..ditori nl and Business Offi ces: The Michigall Review 911 N. Unive rsity Avenue, Suite One

Ann Arbor, MJ 48109-1265 letters@michigan.review.<..;om hltp ://www. michiganreview.(.om Te l. (734) 647-8438 • Fax (734) 93&-2505 c opyright © 2000 1bt Mkbigon Review. I"". AI) lights reserved. The Michigan Revie w is a member- of the Collegiate Network.

Love us or hate us, write us. E-mail letters@michiganreview.com with subject, "Letter to the Editor" Or send mail to: The Michigan Review 911 N. University Ave. Ann Arbor, MI 48109

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FROM THE EDITOR

Dear Colleague, Congratulations, you've made it to college. Years ago, only the brightest and most privileged were able to go to college, and in most "modern democratic societies," making it to college is still a major accomplishment reserved for the rich or otherwise well-off. Rejoice, for this is America, the land of opportunity. The land where those who would otherwise only be qualified for trade schools in other countries can go to colleges all actoss the land. Even those who wouldn't even qualify as ditch diggers in other countries can go to schools here, schools like Ohio State or Michigan State. But, I digress. College has been, and still is, a place to expose yourself to other cultures and ideas, and yes, on certain nights, just plain expose yourself. You're going to hear the word "diversiry" a lot here. And yes, we do have cliyersiry. We not only have people of other colors and cultures, but of clifferent ideas and values. Unfortunately, there are those here that believe that "cliversiry" means everyone from Marxists to super-Marxists, but we at the Review believe that diversiry means everybody, from hard-right to hard-wrong - er, left. You're here to learn new things. You're here to think. ~d whenever you pick up a copy of the Review next fall , that's what I want these pages to make you do, think. I want you to use that melon sitting on your neck for something other than a place to stuff food. I want you to taste some of the tripe they feed you in your classes and in other publications before you swallow it. I want you to stick by your values and what your parents have ingrained in you, for diversiry is a two way street. It's accepting other cultures and ideas while holding on to your own. Stand up for yourself. When you see something that you know is wrong, say, "hey, that's wrong," and if something tries to call you a nasry name for it, to hell with them. Their values, no matter how different, are no better than yours. So likewise, if, sometime next year, as you're waiting for the bus or sitting down eating a meal while reacling the Review and you read something you clisagree with it, then go ahead and clisagree. It's your right. It's the right of all Americans to disagree. It's the right of all Americans to be free from someone forcing their values down his or her throat. So you, Mister or Miz Pre-frosh, you remember that these next few days of Orientation and you remember that for the next four (or five, yes, it happens) years. Always think for yourself, and never give up your right to disagree. Anyway, have fun at Orientation. If you're bored, alienated, trigger-happy, have money, have the time, and are hot as hell, try the various shooting games at Pinball Pete's. I know blowing away virtuallow-lifes in an air-conclitioned enviroment always raises my spirits. If any of you like the Michigan Review and want to work with us next year, you're always welcome to join. We not only need writers, but photographers, artists (please) and people good with money, to mention a few. Try out your brand new uniqnames and email addresses by emailing us at mreV@umich.edu, and we'll get right back with you. James Y. Yeh Eclitor-In-Chief

Want to write fluff stories about how students study more during finals?

310tn tbe llatlp. Want to write hard-hitting investigative reports that will have the administration shaking in their boots? Then join the Michigan Review, the campus affairs journal of the University of Michigan. For the past 18 years, the Review has been delivering high quality news, commentary, and satire to the U-M community. We have spaces available for reporters, editorial writers, photographers, graphic artists, online editors, and business staff.

Interested in journalism? Politics? Government? Law? National affairs? Campus life? Arts?

JOIN THE TRADITION •••

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Page 4

Summer,

Students' Rights, Code Wrongs Guilty Until Proven Innocent BY

C.J.

CARNACCHIO

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NCE AGAIN IT is time to play U-M history trivia. What infamous University policy went into effect on January 1, 1996? Here are a few hints: As a result of this policy, the student body's civil rights and liberties became the personal playthings of then Vice President for Student Affairs/Student Oppressor Maureen "Damn the Constitution, give me absolute power!" Hartford. The weight of the administration's iron boot became a little heavier on each student's throat. The University seized our ships, occupied our cities, and did violence to our citizens. (Well, maybe not the last one.) Give up? It was on this dark day that the most recent version of the Draconian Code of Student Conduct went into effect. Copies are currently available in both English and the original German. During the Code's drafting and initial implementation there was a strong antiCode spirit among the student population. There were anti-Code activist groups and demonstrations. Most student groups sided against the Code. The American Civil Liberties Union attacked the Code's inherent civil rights violations. Both the Review and the Michigan Daily printed numerous editorials condemning the Code

government which betrayed its people and collaborated with the enemy. This is no big surprise, since MSA has always proven itself to be a government of the administration, by the administration, and for the administration. A true parliament of political whores. It is high time that someone refreshed the student body's collective memory as to how tyrannical, insidious, and just plain evil the Code truly is. Let's begin with the Code's most serious violation of students' civil rights: placing Code violators in double jeopardy. The Code states: "Because some violations of these standards [the essential values of the University of Michigan, listed in the Code's introduction] are also violations of law, students may be accountable to both the legal system and the University." This clause allows the University to punish students again for acts which are already illegal and under the court system's jurisdiction. A student who is sanctioned by both the legal system and the University for a particular violation is effectively tried and punished twice for the same crime. The language of the Code also implies that even if a student is acquitted of a crime by a court oflaw, they may still be subject to prosecution and sanction under the Code. So, even if a student has been found "not guilty" by local, state, or federal

The language of the Code implies that even if a student is acquitted of a crime by a court of law, they may still be subject to prosecution and sanction under the Code. and the secretive, undemocratic process by which it was conceived. Students and alumni even signed "reverse pledges" which stated that they would not give the University a penny in donations until the Code was abolished and students' rights were restored. Unfortunately, sometime during these last few years since the Code's implementation, the student body's antiCode fervor and activism turned into apathy and acceptance. The student campaign against the Code greatly resembled France's participation in World War II: token resistance followed by total surrender. The Michigan Student Assembly (MSA) even played the role of Vichy; a

authorities, the University has given itself the right and the means to judge and punish that same student for the same violation, regardless of the legal system's rulings. This represents the height of this Academic Gulag's artogance and tyranny. The University justifies this unjust power with a statement in the Code which reads: "Because the University establishes high standards for membership, its standards of conduct, while falling within the limits of the law, may exceed federal, state, or local requirements." Again, what arrogance! Another of the Code's serious violations of students' civil rights involves its denial oflega! representation to students during Code arbitrations, The Code states:

"Each party involved in arbitration has the right to be assisted but not represented by an adviser of her or his choice." This brings to mind the old saying, "A man who represents himself has a fool for a client." The University defends this deplorable clause by twice stating in the Code that its resolution and appeal processes are administrative functions and "should not be equated with the procedures used in civil or criminal court," nor are they "subject to the same rules of civil or criminal proceedings."

sufficient restraints on the conduct of adults outside the University. There is no reason these laws should not be sufficient restraints for students who are, despite the administration and regents' view, adults and citizens as well. The University's in loco parentis justification of the Code is just another weak rationale for its usurpation of students' rights and liberties. Administrators and regents argued during the Code's formation that it was

"Each party involved in arbitration has the right-to be assisted but not represented by an adviser of her or his choice." Of course, these rules do not apply because in a court of law individuals actually have real rights protected by the Constitution, and are not subject to the arbitrary and absolute power of University bureaucrats -who take pleasure in robbing students of their sweet liberty. One choice clause reads: "All procedural and interpretive questions concerning the Code will be resolved by the VPSA or designee." Call me paranoid, but does anyone else feel a tad uneasy about relying on University administrators and their lackeys to inform students of their rights and protect them? Another tyrannical facet of the Code can be found in its geographical jurisdiction. Not only does the Code's power extend over University controlled property and University sponsored events/programs, it also encompasses the city of Ann Arbor and outside Ann Arbor as well. The reach of the University's power should extend no farther than its property lines. When a student is off University-controlled property, he should be subject to the same local, state, and federal laws as everyone else and nothing more. The University has absolutely no right to place its students under the Code's jurisdiction when they are acting on their own time off University property. Society's laws are presently sufficient without the aid of a University code of conduct to maintain social order and restrain and protect its citizens, including U-M students. The Code is little more than an attempt to control the lives of students. The University's advocation and implementation of a behavioral code sends the message that _students are still children and not adults (or real citizens with rights and liberties). Federal, state, and local laws provide

the federal government which mandated the University have such a code, and given the University's dependence on federal funding they had no choice but to comply. But the federal government simply mandates that all federally funded institutions of higher education implement policies regarding alcohol abuse, drug abuse, and sexual harassment and assault. The U-M Code of Student Conduct goes far beyond these minimum federal requirements. The Code, in its current all-encompassing, civil rightsviolating, double-jeopardizing, kangaroo court form, is the product of the administration and the Board of Regents' demented and dictatorial desires to regulate studen ts' lives; not to meet federal mandates. A 1995 &view editorial offered the perfect solution to satisfy both the federal government's policy mandates and the student body's concern over civil rights. The editorial suggested the implementation of a minimal code which would simply read: "The University's policy on drug and alcohol use and sexual harassment is to let the judicial system handle it." The editorial further reasoned that, "With such a policy in place, the federal government would be satisfied, the administration and regents would have a 'code,' and the rights of students would remain intact." The only flaw in this logic is that it assumes the administration and regents simply want a code to meet federal mandates, when in reality they desire to rule students' lives with an iron fist. ~ This article originally ran in the 7 Oct. 1998 issue of the Review.


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University of That makes finding a relatively Michig.ln offers a plethora of fOod course difficult. if not impossible. courses that arc aimed to propel Despite this, there are number of clues mat its students into success on the dawn of the can begin (0 indicate that the cowse is really 21" century. about. Here are ;a number of general Well thus just guidelines: what they tell The RCG (and don't forger S) warning your parents. We all - IUce, class. gender. and the new one, know that the sexuality pby some kind of a role in life. goaJ of the U of Sure they do. Does focusing on them when M is nOI ro scc you are studying quantum mc:ch:uUcs seem thai each and ppropri.ue? No. RCG&S is the new and everyone if its improved way of saying: "This cowse will preciou focw on a number of torally unrelated liberal causes in order (Q seem politicalJ students grows up to be a CEO correct. of so me big MIM (,ee Glossary) marauding multi-nariona l corporation. ~ ... ,'-." ,.... one of the nations leading ' ~rch institutions, the U of M is more inl m~d in propelling itsdf infO the annal hi\lol) for discovc:ring id~. and £l;uulance. All at the samo Lim " InS its self-rightcous. and seemingly \ . y alumni happy with an alumni nC\\SL •.:r here and there with a bunch of picture ·f"kids" Studying on the OJa, and reading :n the UGLi. As if we do Wt when it's w m. let alone during the never-ending Michigan grev slush-filled dreary winter. Despite all of this. thcy've gOt to pay the bills sor how, so etch year they force the profc~~urs to It'IJCh somnhmg. From rh:n comes Ihe much-beguiled LSA Course Guide. Now. the Course Guide looks innocent from the oUlside. but on the inside it anemprs to I:ncapsulare an enrire semester's wonh f Iccturing infO a brief, and sometimes n,: M) brief. paragraph. The gOJl in writing a course description is to J([ract students to take a Now, if Sen. McCarthy was a regent of the course. That's simple. You'll never see a U of M, he would have no doubt had a description mat sa)'~, "In this course we wiU hean attaCk long ago. These days, there is study an endless amount of liberal no watchdog (0 keep an eye out for the propaganda and I 'h. Your time will be infiltration of America-hating communist wasted with an untold number of boring propaganda into the cowses offered. These and lengthy book· about things you don't Commies arc hiding around f:Vecy comer are about. You ill also be required to and moSt LSA cowses with their little red waste an entire w(" !<end (or for you slackers boob in their jacket pockets ready to take a Sunday night. Monday morning all- over the world when Mao rises again. Okay, nighter) writing 1per that is long enough it's nor thar bad. Nevertheless, many of the to be a book if i cren'( so boring. This cowses offered have an inappropriate focus course satisfies ~ ,lutely no dUtribution on the f:Vils of America and capitalism. requirements besi the Race: and .Ethnk:ity There is ;Wt no need to spend 4 hours a requirement nor ~ it provide any credit wcck hating America, let alone gening towards graduatu - This will never be charged a hefty fee for it. Just take a printed in the COl' gude, even though it vacation to Iraq if you want that. is what every prol IIr is thinking when he writes that innon It paragraph. Hypbawioa lnfIaboD - Maybe this AC.II H.AR IIIE

Justin Wilson

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is sdf-aplanatory, maybe not. Many of the more liberal-chic professors have adopted the ritual of Cl'C2ting unnecessarily long b.st names. Now. in general it is relatively safe [0 assume that taking "'American History" from Susan Smith is safer than "Transgendercd Lesbianism in 1311> Century Aquariw" from Hector Running water de 101 Von Bizmark-Anderson-Vasque.. Nayguen-(click) (click) (click) (click).

Liberal Buzzword Liberation - W;atch Out for the following words and phrases when selecting a course, they only mean trouble: American Imperialism, social inequality, inequality, racism. sexism, environment, womanhood, labor. race identities, burden of history. masculinity. olonial. colonialism, coloniution,

Apparently so. Prof. Hannif believes that "his life is a necessary study for it tcaches that sporu can be an arena for tranSforming society." How have sports transformed society? Soccer riOts come to mind and that time Monica Se1isgot stabbed. Oh, nor ro mention The Juice. Now he was a real cultural icon; people couJdn'( get" enough of that uial. Spons hne only one place in society, and that place is gambling. Ali was a good boxer, who probably made many people very rich, but that doesn't make him ome kind of a cultural icon, let alone someone who deserves an entire class dedicated to his life. Is this the person we houJd be srudying when it comes to race rdations? He beat up people and thal's about aU. 12. Ojibwa.

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communism, socialism, and Canada. Not to mention, United Snakes of Amerikkka, The Vast right-wing Conspiruy. Feminism, evil capitalist pigs. and the Michigan Review. Oh and any other --ism" besides capitalism. With those as guidelines in mind, a numba of cowses offered for the Fall 2000 term receive red fl• . 13. eMS 458.1uua in Black World Scudia: SeaioD 00 1 - The Life lie TIJDa of M"hammad Ali. Meeu with Women', Scudia 483.001. Ali was a great bour. He really knew how to throw a punch and bear a guy to a bloody pulp. u that what the Caller for African American studies and Women's Studies Departments wants you to study?

Amer. Cult. 222. EJemenwy

~ This course is designed to give the nversalional and cultural skills necessary to enable Sludcnls to usc Ojibwa in rcallife itu3rions." When w:u the last time you regrened nOt learning Silnskrit? Or when ou blew a flat tire in ancient Rome and needed to usc your acute Latin skills to find the next gas starion? Well why not learn Ojibwa so you can we it in so many "rcal life siluations.- This course hOI "considerilble emphasis on teaching cuJturally appropriue Ixhavior, and the simple conversational patterns of grtetinf,', leave takings,lnuoductions. table talk, nc." First of aU, what on earth does culturally appropriate mean and, secondly, who determines it, let alone feels they have the righr ro leach ir? Second, what kind of "table talk" involves Ojibwa?

II. Amer. Cult. 201. AmericaD Values. This course is rather innocent by description, but what lies within is much darker. "This cowse will explore the rior ofidcals. aspirations, confljcu, visions and material real i ties that have defi ned American culture." That's innocent enough, exttpt for that whole "riot" thing. A closer reading reviles a more valid cvaluation of the course. Amer. Cult. 20) will examine the -the moral problems of industrial capitalism." And what problems might those be? A booming economy? A low poverty rate? AlmOSt fujI employment? Maylx the whole world power thing. Yeah .•• those arc aU immoral. The capjtalisr pigs. To top it off, it's taught by Margarita de 1a Vep-Hurtado. Try to say that in one

ContInued FOUUST on PIge 11


Page 6

SUmmer, 2

Living on Nc By

JAMES JUSTIN WILSON

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CAN THINK OF nothing bener about my time here at the U of M than gening to the Bursley bus stop bright and early. Well okay, at 8:33 just in time to be greeted with a chipper "good morning, watch your step" as I step onto Bursley-Baits, the bus that connects Bursley Hall to central campus every 7 minutes. Then after brief and peaceful ride through the Huron River Valley, the famous "Rackham and the Power Center for Performing Arts. Next stop is the Michigan League where this coach will be out of service"" Finally, just as I'm about to step off the bus one last, "Have a nice day now." Mr. Nice Bus Driver, as I call him, is indicative of the general attitude of north campus, warm and welcoming. Almost every freshman living on North Campus, lives in Bursley Hall, the UM's largest Residence Hall, the "Burlodge" to the initiated. Yeah, we all know it's a dorm but the administration insists that we call them residence hall. It has something to do with sounding more . like a community or something. I don't really care what they call it. I call it home. Usually freshman who receive their registration materials get "stuck up north"

with all the psycho Engineering and music students that still live in a dorm during their senior year. "Stuck" on North Campus is in actuality a blessing in disguise. By the end of my first year living in Bursley I realized that although North Campus was somewhat of an inconvenience, the benefits

sleeping on the job, and we all know the consequences of that. School never stops; they are on the job 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Heck, West Quad is closer to Angell Hall that I have to walk to get the mail at home. Living on North Campus it the equivalent of commuting to the suburbs. It's cleaner, quieter, and generally

"By the end of my first year living in Bursley I realized that although North Campus was somewhat of an inconvenience, the benefits surely outweighs any negative consequences." surely outweighs any negative consequences. Let's begin with the most basic of arguments. Ask yourself.one simple question: Would you like to live in the same building that you work in? Maybe sleep ,in back of the kitchen of McDonalds? Living in Central Campus is just that,

less hectic. The 10 minute bus rid is a rift between work and play. Sure I still study in my dorm room, but when I'm in Bursley I'm home. I try to get all my work don.e on Central Campus, then when I get home I can just enjoy myself, as if I had time to do that. Although, I will admit, the Campus Movie Network (channel 72) can

come in handy when I feel the need to procrastinate. All too often dorm rooms gain the same stigma as the library or the classroom. This is not the room's fault, it's how you live in it. If you treat is like a library or a classroom and bring all your work home, you'll have no refuge. I've seen it happen before. One night, late, you'll find yourself wondering around senselessly somewhere in the Arb. Alas, you've caught dorm room disease. The cure, you guessed it, North Campus. Living in the university's "suburbs" is not the only reason to live on North Campus, its the land of milk and honey.l\R

Is living on North Cal decide, we present James. North Campus, and Kurt on North Campus. The tv together last year on the 6 in Bursley Hall.

Love it or hate it, one thing is clear about North Campus: due to the fact that it's the home to both the Editor-in-Chief and the Publisher/ Managing Editor, the Review stands will aways be well stocked!

Go No â&#x20AC;˘

The Land of Milk and Honey

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prisons. North Campus doesn't feel much like first grade class room. Eventually all

KURT RADEMACHER

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NE DAY SOMEBODY at the University of Michigan decided that he needed a new way to screw a few thousand people every year. That somebody decided the best way to do so was to cram as many freshmen as possible into Bursley, the epicenter of the hell that is North Campus. If you are a freshman and have been sentenced to North Campus duty begin complaining now. It is possible to get out of North Campus. Act right away. Freshman will first notice the bus service. Every day. Sometimes four times a day. Busses are for grade schools and

minute wait and than a 15 minute ride to North Campus. If multiple trips are

If you are a freshman .and have been sentenced to North Campus duty begin complaining now. It is possible to get out of North Campus. Act right away. those trees just act like bars. I've heard it argued that North Campus provides an escape from University life. Why would students choose to come to the University of Michigan to get a break from the · University of Michigan? Its all propaganda being- spread so there isn't a wide spread revolt by all the students that housing has collectivdy screwed. The bus~ supposedly run every 7 minutes. How it ends up, though, is a 7

s for you? To help you in WIlson for living on iemacher against living f them were roommates ~loor of Douglas House

necessary that can add up. There have are several doCumented cases in which total bus tiine totaled over 24 hours in one day. Or so it feels. On weekends buses' just don't run. They say the buses run, but they don't. Its not uncommon to wait (especially in the . middle of January) , for an hour to go out. Did you choose the University of Michigan because of all the opportunities and activities available? Nobody has enough

time to add an additional two hours to every activity. Eventually those who were forced onto North Campus learn to not leave Bursley at all. The weekend buses ensure a tardy arrival. True story: Finished a study session for finals. Went to bus stop. Waited 40 minutes for bus. Bus comes, drops off passengers, goes out of service. 40 minutes later bus number two arrives. Wai~ for 15 minutes at bus stop. 15 minute trip back to Bursley. Total travel tjm~: 1 hour, 50 minutes. Cost: brain hemorrhage. Where did the former P.L.O. send its bus bombers for training? Yes, North Campus. They learn to hate buses. And when the two hours of waiting is finally over, what do you have? You have Bursley. Some people say the food is better. It just tastes that way afrer what the University force feeds everyone it sticks in North Campus. Forced into North Campus this year? Run. Run like hell.Ml

Bursley's garbage dump, as if the entire place isn't a dump. " "" '''_~''

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IPage -8------

THE IIICBlOAK RBVIBW - 'ACSO"

--. -

summer. 2009

To -Rush or Tvvo Veteran Revievv Staffers SharE By

JACOB

F.M.

OSUCK

I AM a "fratboy." For the past two years, I have lived I in the glorious white house sitting majestically atop 1345 Washtenaw. I have drunk beer. I have delved into the nefarious world of the cheap hook-up party scene so carefully detailed by Messrs. Painter and Soofi elsewhere in this issue. I have, in moderation, done what some might consider "hazing" and been hazed myself in the same fashion. And I emerged unscathed and, in all, wonderfully -appreciative from the experience. So in these next 700 words, let me briefly break down the myths haunting fraternity row, and engineer a case for "rushing." For Greek路life may be many things, but boring it is never-and educational it is eternally. Granted, as Ms. Soofi pointed out, much of fraternity life is empty. Once in a fraternity, accept the option to attend one or two social functions each week where the inain objective is not spiritual, physical or emotional growth, but rather the heavy consumption of alcohol mixed with dancing to the pounding beat of a disco. To the casual observer of fraternity lifethe occasional partygoer, this is all they see and all they know: Hence, as Mr. Schwanz does in the adjacent columns, they worship an idol of ste;eotype, believing that, because they know nothing else, partying constitutes the totality of fraternity life. So, asks the nimble freshman, what else is there? The ansWer: a home. A perfect mix and segue between dorm life and private apartment residency. In a private apartment, you live with bne to ,three friends. You see the same one to three people everyday, having the same conversations; meandering through the same repetitive existence: If over time you grow tired or sick of them-tough luck. You're stuck and can't avoid them. And, theJact is, even the closest of friends need time apart. On the other hand, in a fraternity you live with 30-60 people. Constantly, you interact with a diverse array of contrasting personalities. Living in a fraternity forces you to combat these personalities, and accommodate them-even people you don't like. This is a tough skill to master, but one essential for career advancement and marital bliss (note: you won't like all of your spouse's friends either, but you will need to deal with them). Fraternity living, in many ways, constitutes a "crash course" in the social skills required to live successfully. Admittedly, and contrary to a popular stere()type, you~ brothers will .nO.t aU be

Y

ES, I'LL ADMIT IT;

" ~ ' ...

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your friends. People often think that we brothers form a united, monolithic group of tight comrades. In reality, like any social arrangement, cliques form and evolve over time. Of the 36 people who lived in my house this year, perhaps four I would call my good friends. Most of the rest are merely casual friends or acquaintances. A few people I didn't even like-but as mentioned above, I was forced to live with and am the better for it. Still, this diversity inherently creates a barrier to boredom. You never get sick of the same people because if you start to, you just hang out with a different clique for awhile, a different group of

enjoying free utilities, cable, HBO, Showtime, and Ethernet. You get free access to the fraternity's game room, complete with pool table, air hockey, foozball, and giant Tv. If you ever want to do something, with 30 guys around you always have possibilities. Frequently, in the form of parties, brotherhood events, and random hijinks, entertainment comes to you. If you want it, take it, if you'd rather study you can simply stay in your room or go to the library. In short, if you want 'fun-you can always have it, but it not, you can still avoid it.

fraternity remains only a small part of a persona. In short, while we often are both drunken and immature, we also are much more. I myself, in addition to my fraternal engagements, have served as Managing Editor and Publisher of this fine publication, dipped my feet into libertarian campus activism, and achieved a GPA placing me comfortably above 3.7. Next year, I will attend Columbia Law School. And I will look back next year, no longer an active brother, but always grateful for the love and enrichment I received in the bonds of fraternity life.

'-' pnIau::;. The re h a v e bee n times in m y h 0 use when, be in g bored, I walked into a random brother's roo m and engaged in fierce <IJ1IesIi:n for hours. I would I ear n The Hall of Justice or a House of III Repute? At times, both. things I never knew about them, and see how people I Sure, you say, but didn't you need to Oh ... and one word about those once dismissed as ordinary contain many empty parties that have done so much to pledge and dean that place? The answer is, of course yes. However, in the long run, exceptional qualities. I leave Michigan with ingrained anti-frat stereotypes into the many pre-existing stereotypes demolished pledge cleaning amounts to a fantastic deal. minds of the nimble observer. Too often because of fraternity life. I known people During your semester-long pledge term, people our age forget the greatest gift: you might spend 1-2 hours each week youth. We wallow in self-doubt, fear for who I would formally have designated "hick white trash, probably racist" and (about what you'd spend in a private our futures, and work ourselves up over learned them to be both exceedingly relationships that won't last till the next apartment anyway, since the work gets tolerant and intelligent. I have lived and World Series. In short, we forget that it's divided up among the pledges) cleaning befriended people who, in absence of . "s.omebodyelse's" house. In return, you get our time now, our fleeting moment to have fraternity life, I probably never would have fun, get wild, and indulge ourselves. For to live in a reasonably clean house for 1-3 spoken to. Not necessarily out of years, never having to lift your finger to in but a few short years, we will have 40malignancy towards them-but rather to scrub toilets, waSh'dishes, or vacuum rugs. 60 hour a week jobs, families and children. due my pre-existing prejudices and the One more fraternity stereotype needs In all, people who depend on us. Once that simple fact that, without the fraternity, we clarification. Too many people see someone happens, we will lose the ability for sheer would inhabit totally separate social circles. in a fraternity and conclude him to be no jocularity mindless enjoyment. Having I received all this, mind you, while more than路 a drunken, immature fratboy. something so "empty" in one's life can Such people fail to see that, for most living in a mansion, paying a pin;ance for actually be a blessing in disguise. MR rent (m~ch cheaper than the dorms): and fraternity brothers (including myself), the ~

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ISummer, 2000

~ot

THE IIICRlGAIf REVIEW - 'ACB-O"

Page

91

to Rush?

Their 2¢ on this Tillleless Question BY MATIHEW

S.

SCHWARTZ

T

HINK ABOUT ALL THE portrayals of Greek life you have seen on TV and in the movies. Visualize the meathead frat boy, sweaty and disgusting, half a shot away from being passed out on his brother's stained carpet. Picture hundreds of drunken coeds, packed into a stuffy basement, a beer in one hand and cigarette in the other, bumping against each other to the repetitive beat of Jock Jams while strobe lights flicker overhead. Imagine police officers busting up a party and handing out tickets left and right, scores of freaked out teens scattering in every direction. Think it's all one big stereotype? Think again. Whenever fraternity or sorority members try to convert a regular, intelligent student into a Greek, they always talk about the horrible stereotypes that have mischaracterized the Greek system. They try to act like they're the victims. Well they're not. The true victim is the unsuspecting student who believes this pathetic sob story, and then unknowingly pledges into an organization that - gasp! - is not primarily concerned with scholarship! Some people will take part in the Greek system at U-M regardless of the caveats they have received. As such, there are certain people for whom this piece was not written. If you found the above description of Greek life mighty enticing, you wilt rush - it's in your nature. If you believe your weekends are a total failure if you don't get liquored up, you will rush - it's in your nature. This article is directed toward the freshman who isn't sure what he or she wants to do, who is trying to make an extremely important decision that will affect the re~f her college career. Why d~ost students go Greek? "To get better grades" is definitely not at the top of the list. An improved social life is the more common reason. And if that is your main goal at college, then by all means, rush your heart out! If you can get

frat, and dues of only a few hundred dollars per term, you're paying not more than five or ten dollars per friend. What a deal! Your dues also pay for really bitchin' keggers, so you're really cleaning up. W h i I e partying is not the driving force behind the Greek system, it is an overwhelming aspect that is literally impossible to ignore. True, even a person who usually prefers to stay in on the weekend and read a good book enjoys a party every once in a while; but if you are thinking of joining a fraternity or sorority, you had better live for parties. As a Greek, social events occur every weekend, and you're expected to attend, or at least put up with the deafening music and powerful bass that resonates through the walls for four hours. If you only slightly care for parties, or would rather live without them, Greek life is Despite what your "brothers" might tell you,"Animal House" respresents a highly justified stereotype definitely not for you. "But look what joining a frat will do the infamous Presidential Statistic. Greek of student groups, you will see just how for me!" you say. "Over half the U.S. houses looking to recruit always mention many other ways there are to occupy your time. Get involved with a theater group, a it, and leave unsuspecting freshmen to choir, student government; write for the conclude that Greek life actually had something to do with the tremendous Michigan Review! Don't squander your freshman year - a time for exploration political success. That is faulty logic. Why and discovery - in a Greek house. "No are most presidents former frat boys? problem," you may be thinking. "Like, I'll Because the people who go into politics are those who love socializing, schmoozing tryout for musicals while I'm, like, pledging Sigma Sigma Sigma!" Not so fast. constituents and trying to make everyone Pledging a Greek house takes a Int of time; like them. Politicking and mshing are both time that you won't be able to use for popularity contests. Do not msh as a freshman. There are anything else. Grades suffering? Have to presidents were fraternity men! Therefore study for intro economics? Too bad many other opportunities available to you I will have a better chance of being the next Brother Zeus says you have to clean the in college that may be much more pr~sident if I join Theta Theta Theta!" Ah, fulftlling. At Festifall, the annual showcase puke off the walls from last night's party. Get to work. l\R

With dozens ofpeople in a frat, and dues of only a few hundred dollars per term, you're paying no( more than five or ten dollars per friend. What a deal! in, you will have no shortage of friends. And get this: with dozens of people in a


Race Counts More Than SATs, Service, Essay Combined BY BENJAMIN ROUSCH

E

VERY YEAR T HE Office of Undergraduate Admissions (OUA) receives about 19,000 applications from students hoping to attend the University of Michigan, and only admits about 5,000 of those students. The lawsuit filed by the Center for Individual Rights (CIR) on behalf of . Patrick Hammacher and Jennifer Gratz questions the methods that U-M used in 1995 and 1997 to choose which students were admitted. Last year, U-M abolished the old "grid system," instituting a new "point system" that makes admissions decisions easier to understand, but for the most part uses the same admissions criteria as the old system. A quick look at the policy (see table, right) reveals that it is split into two sections: "Academic Achievement" and "Other Factors." In the academic portion, points are given to a student based on his GPA in certain high school courses, the

two to six. You can even get negative points if you didn't take any honors courses. "But wait! " some students may be thinking. "What about the ACT and SAT? Surely we got tons of points for those stressful standardized tests." Well, a perfect ACT or SAT score will get you 12 points, but most people will get about 10 or 11. Ten points isn't a whole lot, but it can go a good way toward achieving 100. On to "Other Factors." Most people have heard that it is easier for a student who lives in Michigan to be admitted than one who lives out of state. In fact, that's true: an applicant gets 10 points just for living in Michigan, and an additional 6 points if he lives in an "Underrepresented Michigan County." Living in Michigan counts about as much as an applicant's ACT or SAT scores, and more so if an applicant comes from an Underrepresented Michigan County. If an applicant lives in an "Underrepresented State" he gets two points; not much compensation for being one of the few Alaskans or Hawaiians on

'S (100 points for admission)

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GPA ~

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8 campus. The controversial Alumni category is not nearly as significant as Geography. If one of the applicant's parents went to U~M, he gets four points, or if one of his other relatives was a Wolverine, he gets one point. Remember that essay you slaved over, making sure all the phrases were perfect, not a spelling mistake in sight? "Surely that secured me dozens of points!" you may be thinking. Well, your essay diminished in value from previous years. If the admissions counselor thought it was outstanding, you got one point; otherwise you received none. Additionally, an applicant can get points for "Personal Achievement" at the state (1), regional (3), or national (5) levels for his performance in academic competitions, art, athletics, music , professional theater, or science. An identical ranking system exists for "Leadership and Service." Now we' ll examine the "Miscellaneous" category. Applicants can get points for only one of the following situations: 1) Males going into Nursing get five points. 2) Scholarship athletes get 20 points - one-fifth of the total needed for admission. 3) The provost can bestow 20 points at her discretion, but this happens only in exceptional drcunistances - such as someone who "runs (his/her) own bus.iness, (has) written and published

2

3.7

Quality

10

• Michigan • Underrepresented Michigan County nderrepresented

Other

3 quality of the school attended, the strength of his high school curriculum, and his ACT or SAT scores. In the other part of the policy, points are given for a student's geographic location, alumni affiliation, one-page essay, personal achievement , leadership and service, and "miscellaneous." The number of points an applicant scores determines if he is admitted. The maximum number of points one can receive is 150, but applicants need only 100 to guarantee an acceptance letter. A score between 90 and 99 will allow applicants a place on the infamous waitlist, and a total ofless than 90 points most likely gets applicants a rejection letter. The category with the most potential for acquiring points is GPA. With 'a 4.0 GPA, an applicant gets a full 80 points, practically guaranteeing the applicant a spot. Even a modest 3.0 GPA earns an applicant 60 points, more than half of what's necessary for admission. An applicant can also get a few points by attending a tough school, but only two Michigan schools will earn you ~ight points here; most aspiring Wolverines will get between two and six points. And applicants may think that suffering through a rigorous curriculum filled With nightmarish honors and AP ~ourses will net them a bunch of points, but the most points an applicant can get from his curriculum is eight, with the average U-M applicant getting between

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Summer, 2000

TBB

a book, has a patented invention, etc." 4) You get 20 points for being socioeconomically disadvantaged. 5) Underrepresented minorities get 20 points. Minorities living with socioeconomic hardships do not get 40 points; only 20. Therefore, the minorities who really get these 20 points are the privileged minorities, and they get a significant fraction of the 100 points solely because oftheir skin color. Having a different . skin color is considered by the University a,s being on par with a scholarship athlete - who at least has to work for his points; or a high school student who designs the next Intel chip! A white or Asian (a nonunderrepresented minority) and a minority student who attend the same privileged Michigan high school, have taken the same courses, and are essentially exactly the same student, except for the color of their skin, will hence be scored differently using the point system (see table, bottom right). The non-minority student is outright rejected because he did not get good enough grades or test scores to get into the University. The minority student who had exactly the same credentials - save the coior of his skin gets outright acceptance to the University. Why should minorities get bonus points? The common answer is, "to make up for past wrongs, and to combat discrimination rampant in modern society." However, most of the minorities who receive these bonus points have not had to endure hardships as a result of "past wrongdoings." The minorities who receive the 20 points do not live in slums, nor do they attend inner-city schools; if they did, they would get the socioeconomic hardship bonus points. They live in the privileged suburbs and do not feel the plight of the truly "repressed minority." If the lawsuits against the U-M are won by the plaintiffs, the University will be forced to remove race from the admissions process. Although OUA says it would find some other way to ensure diversity, it will be forced to be less obviously race-based than the current admissions policy. Whether they will need to do that remains to be seen, but the University is certainly not backing down from its use of race in admissions just yet. rvR

This article was first published in the 1 April 1998 issue of the Review

All men are created equal, but the admissions office believes that some are more equal than others. Welcome to the Otwellian Hen that is the University of Mic~

.

-C4MPV8

~

Page 11

True Tales From Orientation It came from the UGLi! BY JACOB

F.M.

OSLICK

The following contains a slightly embellished tale of a real experience I encountered at Orientation. The names have been changed to protect the innocent, and the guilty.

U

NLIKE MANY COLLEGE freshmen, I entered Michigan's Orientation wdl aware of political correctness. As I spent my high school years as a debater, I knew of Law Professor Catherine McKinnon, and her insane cry that all sex is rape. Indeed, having gone to a quite liberal high school, I'd had some personal experience with that dreaded acronym "PC," when I founded a conservative club that my school soon banned as offensive. Still, nothing quite prepared me for the game of "tolerance" conducted during my orientation. Read on, gentle reader, while I tell you a tale of fire and brimstone. It is a story from my own orientation. It began as a blissful Wednesday night, my second evening in Ann Arbor. Suddenly, they divided us 200 incoming students into groups of about 25. Like cattle, my group was herded into a dark chamber lurking somewhere in 'the Undergraduate Library. "It's time to get to know each other better," our group leader chanted. "We're going to playa little game. I'm going to say something, and, if you agree, walk across the room ," she stated with a deceptive pleasantness. Right there, I could smell where this was going: divide and conquer, identify and reprimand. Divide us by opinion, such that the minority are obstracized, and go with the majority out of awkwardness. IdentifY the independent, strong of will, who resist this pressure for social uniformity. 1 would have no party to their first scheme, and embarked upon their second instead. Thus, I allowed myself to stand out, in the face of their "tolerance." The session continued as I expected it would, the moderator making statements such as "I consider myself an ally of gay, bisexual, and transgendered people." 0 ne statement in particular stood out: "This school does not hold class on my religious holidays." As a Traditional Jew, I held my ground, as legions of devout secularists and nonreligious Christians crossed the playing field. 1 felt that although the school does not schedule classes on Saturday (a.k.a. Shabbat), ihis pleasantry grew out of coincidence more than principle. Further, classes are routinely scheduled on such principal holidays as Rosh HaShana, Yom Kippur, Simchat Torah, Pesach, Shavout, TIsha B'Av etc. No, I thought, this school does indeed hold class on my religious holidays. Following this indoctrination,

(err, orientation) session, the moderator sat our group down so we could "discuss" our answers. When one girl's turn came, she said, "I wasn't sure about the religious holidays question. I mean, like, I don't think we have dass on Hanukah." I felt rage within me. Hanukah? A festival commemorating a 2,200 year old military victory. Under Jewish Law, Hanukah stands out in contrast to the majority of Jewish holidays precisely in that one can do work. On路 almost every other holiday, ' activities such as writing, using electricity,

one from being 'offended'?" "We are not letting you out of this room without an apology. " And so, faced with the prospect of hours stuck within an UGLi dungeon, I caved. However, although I stood down, 1 did not surrender unconditionally. Rather, I carved a bargain. I apologized not for what I said (which I continued to hold by as being steadfast and true); instead, I apologized only that the girl took offense. Incidently, she didn't possess the slightest clue that she shouldn't be offended because

"We're going to playa little game," she said. Right there, I could smell where this was going: divide and conquer, identify and reprima'!ld and planting crops (should I desire to do so in fair Ann Arbor) are strictly forbidden. o'n Hanukah, one has no work restrictions, as it is only a minor, Rabbinic festival - not a divine commandment. Faced with such a situation, 1 lost control of my internal PC police and cried out (perhaps too strongly, and with a poor choice of words), "Hanukah? That is not a major religious holiday!" In response, the girl dashed out of the room in tears. I was then to learn the meaning of "tolerance." 1 was escorted into a dimly lit room. The moderators arrived shortly. "We cannot allow people to express anti-Semitic attitudes at this University. You offended that girl." Anti~Semitic attitudes? "But I'm not an anti~Semite; I'm Jewish!" I protested, carefully leaving out that I am also a rather religious Jew. "We don't care what your religion is. We cannot allow people to express antiJewish beliefs," they answered. "But saying Hanukah isn't a significant Jewish holiday is a Jewish belief, not an anti~Semitic one," I retorted. "Says who?" they asked. "Jewish Law!" 1 replied. "We cannot allow you to offend others religious sensitivities. Don't you recognize that that's wrong? Apologize and admit your mistake to that girl," they demanded. "But s~ying Hanukah is a serious religious holiday constitutes a direct affront to my 'sensitivities.' 1 was not wrong, I made no mistake, 1 will not apologize. " "Then why didn't you just keep your mouth shut, to avoid offending anyone?" they asked persistently. "Wasn't this supposed to be a discussion?" I replied. "Doesn't a discussion involve an exchange of ideas? And where is there a constitutional . right .,protectWg

my statement was accurate. And so 1 learned a few lessons. Chiefly, that the university strives to impose its view on students, not help students to develop their own opinions. Whereas once colleges served the function of in loco parentis, they now strive to achieve the position of in loco intellectualis (excuse the non-existent Latin). Yet, our politically correct oppressors are people too. They have the same passions and difficulties as the rest of us - such as the need to eat. Accordingly, stick to your principles. When the PC gulag comes, try to strike a deal. They may be leftists, but they also want (0 get to dinner - they'll meet you half way. So, take this tale as both a warning, and a piece of advice. One last word: pick your battles. Feel free to speak your mind, but understand that with such freedom comes the risk of a situation like the one above. Before arguing for your viewpoint, ask yourself if this opinion is important enough to warrant rwenty minutes spent defending it. Lastly, fight on an intellectual ground. Never allow your spoken thoughts (0 stray into vulgarity. A vulgar attitute only weakens a logical case, and discredits your policies. If you act otherwise, you may find yourself unwittingly sent to the stockade of the Code of Student Conduct office, charged with disturbing an Orwellian peace. ~

Jacob EM Oslick, will be attending Colwnbia lAw School on afolJ scholanhip thisfoB.

Big Brother is watching you. Don't be victimized by the University Thought Policel Join the RevieuA


[Page 12

THE IOCRIGAII RBVIBW -

c.ufPVS M'AIRS

Summer, 2000 1

R-O-T-C: Good for You, Good for Me BY JAMES YEH AND

J Acon

F

F.M.

OSLlCK

OR ALMOST ALL of the fourth year students out there, th fall of 1997 marked the beginning of their college years. For us , it also marked the beginning of our short stays in the University of Michigan's Army and Navy Reserve Officer Training Corps (ROTC) programs, respectively. While most people see the ROTC program as just a ticket into the military, our experience teaches us that it's much more. Although both of us have since moved on, finding that, for various reasons, a military career was not for us, we nevertheless cherish the time we spent in the ROTC We know that lessons we learned in ROTC will stay with us for the rest of our lives, and we're both glad we took the time to participate, even though we did not complete the program. We're grateful for the ROTC program for teaching us things that we would've never ever been able to learn anywhere else at the University of Michigan. When first walking into North Hall, the ROTC building, one is struck with its imposing presence. The building, once the University's hospital, is over one hundred years old, and it shows. It helped teach one of the first leSsons learned in ROTC: we were now part of something big; bigger, and older, and with more traditions than

anything that has existed or will exist on this campus. We were training as future officers of U.S . military; a military with well over two centuries of history and traditions backing it up. Thi s wasn't something to be trifled with. All around the building are relics of th e past . In the Navy's navigati o n classroom, the position of Ann Arbor on the globe is displayed on a small cardboard sheet o n a bulletin board . Closer examination of the sheet will show that the position was ploned in 1946. In the same room is another relic from the 1940s: a sheet of wood, with the block "M" carved into it, and with the carved signatures of . the class of 1945. The men's room on the first floor of North Hall is also a relic, by the looks of it - probably the oldest one in Ann Arbor. The only modern features are the modern soap and towel dispensers. The old fashioned heater and toilets look like they belong in a museum. We had gotten the message: ROTC was to be taken seriously. This message is further drilled into your mind when you go into the midshipman lounge. In there, one sees portraits of those from the unit that died in World War II. The pictures are old, and the print is faded, but the message is quite clear: this is quite serious. People didn't dIe playing 1M football, going to parties or writing for a campus paper. It just puts everything else into perspective.

People get the wrong impression of ROTC We weren't transformed into mindless automatons, and we never met anyone remotely like Niedermeyer from Animal House. We were instructed to be thinking leaders, just like the thousands that proceeded us. We learned what it rook to be a good leader, and we learned th e values that made good leaders. We learned a respect and appreciation for those that came before us in serving their country. There is another important reason we joined ROTC No one can deny that the military tradition has served an essential role in every culture. Nations and empires have risen and fallen through war. In every generation young men come of age, learn discipline and risk death in the service of their country. We felt that to not gain more . knowledge of this continuing, evolving culture would deprive us of a remarkable opportunity: to learn more about the human condition. Through ROTC, we could learn of military customs, lore, tactics and values from the inside; not via a stodgy history book written by some pseudoMarxist who never held a gun in his life. For example, Jim learned about how, through the use of carrier battle groups and island hopping, American forces defeated the Japanese during World War II; not how the war against the Japanese was "racist." One of the most important things that we learned was that we were representatives

In army ROTC, you'll get to do stuff that'll . .challenge you, both physicaPy and mentally. In the processl' you' 11 develop "ills you can use in your career, like thinking on your feet, making smart. decisions) taking charge. talk to your Army ROTC representative. You'll

of our branch of the armed services, thus we had to live by a certain standard. We were expected to live by the core values of our respective branch, and at least Jim had to take the midshipman oath, promising not to lie, cheat or steal. It's one thing to say you're not going to lie cheat or steal, it's totally different when you're sworn not to do so. And what enforced it even more what the fact that you were just one of many who had sworn this oath, and we were bound by it together. And mos t memorably, we were expected to not kick the crap out of any protesters that got into our faces. As ROTC students, strutting around frequently in full-unifo rm, we learned first-hand about the sheer animosity members of the lefr hold for the military, and the United States in general. Once, a passerby even cried out to Jacob, as he strutted to class in fatigues , "Where are you going, to kill babies like you did in Vietnam?" In the end, it didn't really matter to us that we didn't finish. It's not that we didn't care; it just turned out not to be for us. But we still got the most out of it. It didn't matter whether we learned about small arms tactics, or naval engineering; those details could be picked up anywhere. What we learned couldn't be taught from reading a book, or writing a paper; it was part of the experience. And just what was that ultimate lesson? The sixth code of conduct, which we had to memorize, sums it up pretty well: "1 will never forget that I am an American, fighting for freedom , responsible for actions, and dedicated to the principles which made my country free . I will trust in my god and in the United States of America. " This is something that we're going to carry around for the rest of our lives , regardless of what we end up doing for a living. What we learned wasn't about being an officer; it was about being an American . That's one lesson that should never be lvR

find there's nothing like

a little climbing to help prepare you for getting to the top.

,

.. "

Jim Says: If you don't want to for your govermnemt, fight against it


~umm~OOO

TB1t IOCHIGAR RBVIEW -

CAllPUS U'AIRS

Page

131

Our Favorite Courses OR YEARS NOW, we at the Review have only been telling you, our readers, what courses NOT to take, And while we still shall do so, we've also decided that it would be almost as helpfol to tell you what courses YOII SHOULD take. Thus, we present the Michigan Review's first annual Favorite Courses As Submitted By the Staff.

F

Michael Austin, Managing Editor "My favorite courses were ME240, ME400, and ME440, all taught by Bruce Karnopp. He has a straightforward (but not boring) way of teaching that made it easy to learn. He also uses good examples and makes his tests relevant to the homework and lecture. Plus he has lots of good stories and always wears the same tie on football Fridays. Teachers like Professor Karnopp are rare in the engineering school. I highly recommend taking any and all of his classes to any new Mechanical Engineering students."

Matthew Schwartz, Editor-at-Large Political Science 400: Development of Political Thought: To Modern Period "This class stands out among the others because it forces you to *really think* about aspects of the world you live in, delving into questions of government , freedom, and the rule of law. The course unifies elements of philosophy, religion, nature and law into the epitome of a political science cQurse. A must have for anyone contemplating a career in law, politics, or anything related. The only down side is that you need junior standing, or 2 previous courses in political science before you can take this one. So hurry up and get those prereqs our of the way! Or if you can't wait, take PoliSci 101 - theory for freshmen." Dustin Lee, Assistant Editor "In the two years I've spent at this fine University, I h<ive to the conclusion that there are few professors as politically objective and academically sound as Alan Deardorff, the John W Sweedand Professor of International Economics. I have taken Professor Deardorff for both Economics 102 (Introduction to Macroeconomics) and Economics 340, (International Economics), and I strongly recommend not only him but also his courses." Ryan Serra, Staff Writer Econ 102, Professor Alan Deardorff "This class is a trip. Aside from Prof. Deardorff being a dead ringer for Donald Sutherland's character in the movie Animal House, he has a talent for digressing that ~rivals the greats in history. There's pothing like talking about the money supply then switching to a half an hour class discussion On M*A*S*H , ,because he was reminded.

of some anecdote." Jacob EM. Oslick, Managing Editor "Gary Solon (Economics 406Econometrics) Generally, when one thinks of doing statistics and related fields such as econometrics, images of Urkel flash in the mind . One thinks of long arduous nights, cranking at a calculator, frustrated by numbers. Ingeniously, Prof. Solon can . change that image drastically for the better. While Econ 405, Econ 406's prerequisite, does indeed fulfill every wretched stereotype associated with math courses, 406, shockingly, is a lot of fun. Prof. Solon mixes in a wonderfully laid-back attitude with a humorous teaching style, delighting his class with everything from jokes to selfperformed musical numbers. In the process, he does the incredible, the nearly impossible,-he makes econometrics both interesting and fun. Especially interesting are Prof. Solon's many anecdotes about the wacky world of professional economists misusing econometric tools (i.e. cheating, lying, omitting key information) to produce miraculous findings out of nowhere. The Entire Hebrew DepartmentOfren courses in a particular field are hit-

can remember, and this is the only course I've taken so far at UM in which I read the textbook for pleasure. Another major factor was the instructor, Commander Steve Roper. He always found ways to make the topic interesting, and the class was always comfortable around him, even though he w~ a high-ranking officer. As far as I know, the class cannot be taken for LSA credit, though that might change soon. Even if it doesn't, I would still suggest taking this course, if only for personal enrichment. It only meets twice a week for an hour each time, and the reading is fairly light and it's not dense like some other textbooks. Another one of my favorite courses was Political Science 471, the American Foreign Policy Process, . with Professor J. David Singer. Prof. Singer has been teaching since who-knows-when and it shows. He's not like other professors, with their elitist attirude and lack of knowledge about life in the real world. Prof. Singer has seen it all, and ifhe hasn't, he's probably pretty darn close. He fought in World War II aboard the batdeship U.S.s. Missouri, so he's well aware of the heavy price of

freedom and he has admitted that academics like himself can be quire arrogant. He's been teaching for at least four decades and his experience in the field is probably unequaled here. He told the class at the beginning that he didn't want us taking notes, for he wanted the class to be more of a friendly discussion amongst friends about politics, and even if we had wanted to take notes, it would've been impossible due to the constantly changing discussions. Sure enough, by the end of the year, my notebook for this class was empty save for a page of doodles. The readings can be like wading through pea soup sometimes, but I think I got a lot more out of the discussions. Before you guys leave UM, I recommend taking those two courses or just any courses with these two fine gendemen. As a naval officer stiU on active duty, the Navy may rotate CDR Roper out at any time, so don't let your opportunity slip away. Prof. Singer pretty much only teaches upper level courses, and wait-listing into his class is a huge erideavor, so register as early as you can as soon as you're eligible. 'fuu won't regret it . "~

Editors Pick: Although none of us have taken the class, its description alone has much promise.

Compo Lit. 350. The Text 路 and Its Cultural Context. Section 002 - Shooting the Mob. Is The Godfather one of your favorite films? Do you enjoy reading crime novels? Have you ever wondered what the Mafia really is? Why is the sinister "narrative" of the Mafia so alluring?

Professor Alan Deardorff, recommended by two staffers or-miss. You might get a good teacher, you might nor. Not so in the Hebrew language department where each teacher stands out as remarkable." James Y. Yeh,Editor-in-Chief "My absolute favorite course that I've taken so far at the University of Michigan has been Naval Science 102, Sea Power and Maritime Affairs. When I took the course, I did so because I had to, as it was a required course for NROTC, but probably would've taken it anyway. A few factors guaranteed this course the top spot in my favorite courses of all time list. First of all was the subject matter. I've had an interest in the subject of militarY history for as long as I

This course treats the rapport between literary and cinematic versions of organized crime in Italy and the United States. We will begin with Giuseppe Tomasi di Lampedusa's The Leopard and Luchino Visconti's cinematic version of the novel. Although The Leopard does not deal with the Mafia as such, it nonetheless contains the most lapidary expression of Sicilian identity in relation to the dominant power. We will then focus on the central core of the course - Mario puzo's The Godfather (and Francis Ford Coppola's The Godfather trilogy) as well as Nicholas Pileggi's Wiseguy (and Martin Scorsese's ' Goodfellas). There will also be a course pack with additional reading material including excerpts from novels, short stories, and newspaper articles. Several segments of films, TV documentaries, and interviews that are closely related to or based on the readings will be shown (The Sicilian, Salvatore Giuliano, The Untouchables, Once Upon A Tune in America, A Bronx Tale, Donnie Brasco, Excellent Cadavers, and The Flight of the Innocent). These readings and video materials will help trace the historical background, the development, and the current drama of the Mafia as it continues to unfold and wield its undeniable influence in terms of politics, social organization, and economic power. Cultural identities will be examined through dtree privileged thematic categories: language, religion, and the concept of the family. Requirements: Biweekly one-page commentary, mid-term, and final 7-page paper. Taken from the L)A Course Guide


Cheap Eats A Guide to Eating Well on Limited Capital By

F

MICHAEL AUSTIN

OUR DOLLARS CAN'T get you very much anymore. You can't goto the movies with four dollars; in fact you can barely rent a video for that much. Four dollars will get your laundry clean, just as long as you don't mind damp clothes when you're done. Take a walk downtown and you'll soon realize that you can't even get an appetizer at any of the many fine restaurants on Main Street for four bucks. Four dollars ($3.70 to be exact) used to get you a 12" pizza at Lime Caesars every Wednesday, but sadly both the Pierpont' Commons and Union locations are no more. Despite the demise of what was possibly the best food deal ever, the four dollar meal is still alive and well in Ann Arbor. What's more is that for four bucks you can get a exhausting variety of food any day of the week. It's unavoidable that you are not going to eat every meal in your residence hall, which will probably start around the time that the chicken casserole in the dining hall has the familiar smell oflast night's baked chicken breasts. Even if you don't get sick of dorm food, dinner ends at 7:30 so it's inevitable that you'll ·get some late-night munchies. No m~ner how much money you get from your parents you are destined to spend it all on frivolous purchases like black stretch pants, tube tops, cargo pants, flannel shirtS, North Face jackets, dirty white hats, beer, alcohol, drugs, video games, and a multitude of other items depending on what stereotypical social caste you fall into. So when you cringe the prospect of another bowl of Ramen noodles, pick up your trusty Michigan Review Summer Orientation Edition (because we know you're going to keep it all year), fish out all the change from your roommate's sock drawer, and venture out with the confidence that you can satisfy your appetite for less than sixteen quarters. Just because you can't get a whole pizza for less than four bucks does not mean you can't get cheap pizza in Ann Arbo.r. Backroom Pizza and the In 'n' Out convenience store both have slices for just one dollar. Located a block away from each other off South University both are easily accessible from almost anywhere. Most people prefer Backroom, although you can get toppings at In 'n' Out instead of only cheese. Both places are good, but more importantly they are din cheap. You can also get cheap slices across the Diag at Domino's on State Street, but as far as this writer is concerned you ~an get Domino's anywhere. Just down the street from the In 'n' Out is an unassuming little building that

is home to Red Hot Lovers Chicago Style Hot Dogs. Now you might be wondering why anybody would bother eating at a hot dog restaurant, especially when there are a multitude of hot dog cans ·on any given corner in Ann Arbor. Well, there are a few advantages to Red Hot Lovers, the most obvious being seats and tables. Second, they use all beef hot dogs without fillers or additives. Besides, Red Hot Lovers is more than just a hot dog shop; they offer hamburgers and chicken as well as vegetarian alternatives. Best of all (you

is unnecessary. With your choice of five dishes, including General Tso's chicken, you get fried rice, soup or eggroll, and a small drink. AIl that and it tastes good too. Almost across the street from Dinersty is Jerusalem Gardens. With a wide selection of middle eastern food (featuring vegetarian items on almost half of the menu), there is something to suit almost every taste. With prices starting at $2.35 for a hummous sandwich and $1.60 for small salads, it's well worth the walk down to Fifrh and Liberty. I splurged $3.85 on a

• LOCtlBOII:

BacIuoom '-741-8296 60S Church St.

10 ac Ow • 662-0274 615 E. UnMnity Ave. RaI Hot lAMII· 996-3663 UnMnicy /we.

"Despite the demise of what was possibly the best food deal ever, the four dollar meal is still alive and well in Ann Arbor." guessed it) it's cheap. For a measly two dollars and thirty cents you can get unlimited toppings on your frankfurter. Normally I don't consider a hot dog to be a complete meal, but my red-hot curbed my appetite reasonably well. The sign outside Blimpy Burger "Cheaper Than Food" and our guide would be incomplete without mentioning Ann Arbor's oldest hamburger stand. Since 1953 Blimpy's has been serVing up fried goodness at the corner of Division and Packard. You can get anything you want as long as it's greasy, and the hallmark Blimpy is available in over 1,245,760 combinations. At $1.70 for a double ($l.98 with cheese), it really is cheaper than food. Although the menu is less than nutritious (you can even get your vegetabl~ breaded and deep-fried), Blimpy Burger's longeviry and cult-like following are a testament to their good taste. In the mood for some Chinese food? Take a walk down Liberty Street to the wei r d purple awning. Al though technically it costs more than four dollars, Dinersty's $3.99 lunch specials load your plate so full that Super Sizing

chicken schwarma sandwich, and in return I got a pita stuffed full enough to almost feed two people. Homer Simpson once said "Donuts, is there anything they can't do?" SUre, there. are a number of things the multi-talented donut cannot do, but one thing the donut is good at is ~atisfying any craving. Campus Donut Cafe o.n the comer ofWtlliam and State will give a donut for a paltry sixtyfive cents, andyou can get half a dozen for $3.50. The real deal is donut holes, which go 12 for $l.50 or 20 for $2.00. Best of all, Campus Donut Cafe is open 24 hours a day, so you can fulfill your yearning for the devious delectability of gooey, deepfried dough long afrer other restaurants have closed. Alld remember, keep your eye upon the donut and not upon the hole. For something a linle healthier than donuts but still just as round, try one of the three bagel shops on campus. There's The Bagel Factory on South University and Washtenaw; Bruegger's Bagels across campus o n Nor t h

University;

'S

and Einstein Brothers Bagels around the corner on State Street. Which

BUmpy Burpr • 551 S. DiwiIioD

Bled FIaory. 663-3~S 1306 S. lJnMaicy Ave.

Breugu'l ..... 747-8561 709 N. UnMnity

Einstein Brocben .... · 741·9: 307 S. Scare Saeet shop you choose is up to your personal taste, since the prices are almost the same. At Bruegger's you can get a bagel for $.59, adding cream cheese brings the total to $1.59. They also have six bagels for $2.99, but if you want a deli-style sandwich it'll set you back $3 .59. While it true that bagels aren't quite the best value for your money, you can still satisfy a healthy appetite for less than $4. Besides the few eateries listed here there is a plethora of other cheap restaurants in town as well as . some that are only a linle more expensive and luckily still taste good. The key to eating cheap is to use restraint. You need to deny yourself the extra goodies, like that large soda you might be used to on a bigger budget. Unfortunately the best deal going also requires the most work. Groceries, and cooking for yourself, will always be the champion of cheap. rvR

• You can always stop by the review of!ice and grab a slice of 10 day old pizza.


SUmmer, 2000

Page 1

Year in Review: Protests, Scandals, and more Protests By

DUSTIN LEE

y

that time of the year again. The sun shines bright in the Ann Arbor sky, the leaves on the trees sit pertly on the branches , the flowers bloom in all combinations of reds, yellows, and purples, soon to be freshman wander State Street, South 0., and the Diag, and orientation lends itself as the perfect few days to become better acquainted with the University of Michigan and its recent history. So as not to feel in the dark, here's a brief synopsis of the events that shaped the tone and history of the U-M forever. During either orientation or the first couple weeks of fall term, a new student might overhear anyone who did not hibernate all of last year talking about one these "Infamous Four"-the incidents and scandals that rocked the U-M during the '99-'00 school year. ES, IT'S FINALLY

Michipmua: Racist Harb~rs of the Union Tower What once involved two unrelated student organizations, one a secret society and the other a militant student coalition, became one Union Tower mess. For several weeks, the Students of Color Coalition (SCC) occupied the "infinitely leased" space of the Michigan Union Tower. Why? Because Michigamua, a century-old secret society ofU-M's "greatest" student leaders, with notable alumni such as James B. Angell and former United States President Gerald Ford, practiced rituals disgraceful to Native American culture. So, in a room once adorned with moose heads and various Native American artifacts , the SCC sat until both Michigamua and the U-M met its demands-demands ranging from an

apology to the Native American community, the removal ' of all Native American artifacts, an increase in the funding for minority programs , the conversion of the Union Tower to a "cultural lounge," and the changing of its u .), racIst name. However, all the SCC and its "legal counsels" really ended up with, after several weeks of incessant drum pounding, late nights, and missed cl;,lSSes, were semantic name alterations and a University probe into "office space allocation." Since the tower fiasco, Michigamua has apologized the Native American community, reluctantly removed the artifacts from the tower, and changed its name. What people once called Michigamua should now officially call ÂŤMichigamua: New Traditions for a New Millennium." Or, simply, Michigamua. SOLE: The Dean's Sweatshop Under oddly similar circumstances, only this a few weeks earlier, Students Organization for Labor Equality (SOLE) invaded and took over the~ffice of University of Michigan LSA Dean Shirley Ne.uman. This "non-~iolent" i-nvasion was the result of what appeared to be another case of administrative negligence. For five months, SOLE pressured the U-M to sign the Worker's Right Consortium (WRC), a student-developed policy to enforce collegiate labor codes, in favor of the Fair Labor Association (FLA) , a government sponsored coalition of corporations and human rights group aimed at curbing, essentially, the exact same thing"inhuman" labor laws. SOLE members, also not afraid of missing class to support their leftist agendas, then proceeded to set-up a mock "sweatShop" in Dean Nueman's office. An iden tical takeover occurred at the

Sharpton shares a laugh with his pal, perhaps over the pogrom he incited in Crown Heights, NY, leading to the death of Yankel Rosenbaum.

'-

A SOLE demonstrator, oddly clad in Nike paraphanella, chalks the sidewalk in protest of the University's dealings with companies such as Nike. University of Wisconsin at Madison at the same time, but the latter were, unlike their U-M counterparts, sprayed with pepper gas. Apparently, at the U-M, the administration supports hostile office and Union takeovers. In the end, SOLE left more victorious than the SCc, inevitably "forcing" the UM to sign the WRC and promoting their victory with subsequent protests-on the Diag and in front of Starbucks-the "oppressive" bearers of cheap, tasty coffee. BAMN; Barbarkally Altering Minorin Numbers Three years ago, in 1997, the Center for Individual Rights (CIR), a conservative law firm based in Washington D.C. , slapped the U-M with a number of classaction lawsuits claiming that the U-M's admissions policies unfairly discriminate against majority students (Caucasians and Asians). This assault on the U-M's racist affirmative action policies, however, has been met with substantial disapproval by a small, but vocal portion of the student community. Members of the Coalition to Defend Affirmative Action By Any Means Necessary (BAMN), the Defend Affirmative Action Party (DAAP), and any other organization with a different name and the same members, have fought long and hard to promote their agenda. President of BAMN, graduate student Jessica Curtin, heir to the BAMN throne and spokesperson of DAAP, Erika Dowdell, and non U-M student and leftist puppet, Luke Massie, have led the charge in organizing almost weekly protests, rallies, and "pamphlet sessions." More importantly, April 12th of this year marked the first day in the trial of the lawsuits. And in keeping with BAMN

tradition, they rallied in the Diag at noon, signed petitions to "reverse the drop in minority enrollment," then marched to the courthouse to witness the first day of the trial proceedings. Where these proceedings will lead us this year is yet to be seen, but expect to receive a full dose of Curtin and Co. Wolverine Party; Chip off the Election Block In perhaps the greatest "scandal" to rock the Michigan Student Assembly (MSA) elections, the Wolverine Party suffered an unprecedented disqualification of the all its LSA-MSA candidates (the majority of its candidates running for MSA) this past year. Running on the platform of a 24-hour campus, the 24hour campaigners lived up to their bill. LSA-SG (LSA-Student Government) representative and Wolverine Party campaign manager Chip Englander was allegedly participating in illegal campaigning strategies past the 8:00 p.m. , limit on dormitory campaigning hours. However, although Mr. Englander was not running fonhe party, the Election Board decided to disqualifY everyone for who he was campatgnmg. Among the Wolverine Party members who were "unfairly" disqualified according to some, were top vote receivers Doug Tietz and Jessica Cash. In fact, of the nine LSA-MSA seats available, th~ Wolverine Party would have won seven-a complete landslide. Given the disqualifications, though, MSA will again be fun by a majority of Blue Party representatives, with Hideki "Big Sign" Tsutsunii learning the ropes as he goes, as student body President.~


Page 16

Summer, 2000

The Ten Commandments of Dating The Definitive Hunting Guide for GUYS By

RYAN PAINTER

Thou shalt gQ to frat parties.

I .xn

the beginning, there was a frat. And unto that frat, God said, "Go forth, get thee drunk and be laid by many women, and throw totally righteous parties for the pathetic freshmen, so that they might also partake of the forbidden pleasures of drunken sorority chicks." Firstly, since you are all too young to get in the bars - and I doubt many of you have fake ID's as yet - the best place to pick up women is at frat parties. There are lots of "open parties" at the beginning of the year. Just go to a big house with Greek letters on it, and wait in line. (If you don't know what a Greek letter looks like, rent ''Animal House.") Once you're inside, grab some beer and get buzzed. Can't find the beer? You might have to look hard at first, until you develop the "beer sense" that many of us juniors and seniors have developed ' after many years seeking out alcohol. Next, find a girl and stan grinding. After that, pray .to Lady Luck.

I remember being a freshmen, and how hard it was to approach the women I wanted to entrap - er, talk to. At a frat patty, just slide up behind her, put your hands on her waist, and grind your pelvis against her. This is an easy way of letting her know that you're there and you want to dance. Trust me, they don't mind. In other situations, where that tactic would not be socially acceptable (like in your dorm's hallway), you have to be more tactful. Introduce yourself confidently, yet with an air of nonchalance. If they seem receptive, ask them (use the sheepish look, it works for me) if they are in one of your classes, "Say, aren't you in Soc. 100?" or something like that. It's lame, but it's all you're ready for right now, freshman, and besides, it works on all those freshman

Use it in the right way, and you have a masterpiece (or a sleepless night, wink wink) but too much just leaves you with a soggy brush and a drippy canvas. At parties, supply your target with several beers, but not more than three or four (remember, they have lower tolerances than we do). For yourself, have as many beers as you can up to your buzz-point. Don't get drunk - you may have to experiment to find your tolerance. With the right amount of beer in your system, you will become Superman. You will have the confidence to talk to any girl, unembarrassed by rejection. Forget dogs; beer is a man's best friend. VII. Thou shalt never be yourself. Okay, a lot of guys are told they should

III. Thou shalt be confident.

...

._..

girls ...

V. Thou shalt be very persistent. See number two.

VI. Thou shalt partake of the bottle. Trust one who knows: it is much easier to get women, especially at first, when you can use alcohol to loosen up the situation. Don't get me wrong - I'm not condoning using beer to get women drunk so you can have your way with them! That takes all the fun out of things. Picking up women is an art, and the beer is your artist'sbrush.

_--_.â&#x20AC;˘. ......................... ......._. _._---..._,_..._...â&#x20AC;˘. "

Men are like wolves: we hunt in groups. It can help if the girl you want is in a large gaggle of other chicks - your bros can distract them and you can proceed with the attack. Knowing you have the support of your buddies also gives you more confidence. Plus, if you forgot your wallet and want to buy her coffee, you can ask a friend for money instead of totally embarrassing yourself in front of the prey. But beware: only hunt with close friends, because other men are competition, and you don't want them to close in and snag your girl before you have a chance to get her. Also, beware the natural male tendency to heckle and criticize. If the girl snubs you and you go down in flames, your buds, rather than patting you on the back, could rip your lame carcass apart and make you feel like a total loser.

Don't role over for women too easily, and be sparing when you do. You see, women have a tendency to let their bodies get to their heads - they have what we want, and they know it, so they get uppity. Be a man, put them in their place, show them why we're the "kings of the castle," and so forth. Don't be rude to the women you're trying to pick up, but don't let them get out of place either. Don't be pushy, but at the same time don't give more ground than is good for your chances; they like the manly men (again, like me). In other words, you have to walk a fine line between two extremes. Don't worry if you screw up at first, for this is by far the hardest rule to master - even pros like myself mess it up every so often. But if it is done properly, they will be eating out of your hands .. . and maybe somewhere else too.

Many guys get rejected once (or in my case, slapped) ,.and give up. Now listen up, little ones: giving up is for losers and scrubs. There are literally thousands and thousands of girls on this campus. Are you telling me that you give a rat's ass what one of them said to you, when there are thousands more to replace her with? This is Ann Arbor, baby, and the place is literally dripping with young girls. Just remind yourself of this whenever a chick turns you down, because that just means she knows she ain't worthy of you!

N Thou shalt use the right approach.

VIII. Thou shalt hunt in packs.

IX. Thou shalt lay down the smack.

II. Thou shalt be persistent.

I've learned over the years that often times men can get lucky with women who are out of their league. How? Easy, the dance floor is dark, they're drunk off their ass, and even a 200 pound chemical engineering student (or a Residential College student, for that matter) with severe acne will look like Tom Cruise. Just be assertive, take control, pretend you're Frank Sinatra and she's a Martini - hold her the right way and her ice-cubes will melt allover you! It is all a matter of confidence - sorority girls in particular are looking for sex - give women what they want. They're drunk, its dark, and they want you. What are you waiting for?

Tommy Lee .. .

,

__ .

just "be themselves" around girls. My response: HA HA HA HA!! More of that pseudo-intellectual pinko-commie PC crap they've been spoon-feeding you at orientation. Nobody cares about you, except maybe some relatives and friends, and unless you're Humphrey Bogart, just being yourself doesn't cut it. Women don't want you, acne boy; they want a prince or a rock stat. Women are simple little things, and they want the mel) they can't have, like me. So to get them, he one of those men. Like Pamela Anderson, women like to be treated like dirt by the guys they find attractive, so be a cocky self-assured jerk, and you can't lose! Hey, it worked for

,- -.--.-----.--.----~~--

X. Thou shalt be very, very persistent. Again, see number two. OK, freshman, you now know the ten keys to getting womeQ. There are many other rules and pointers out there from other old salts like me, but these ten are by far the most important. Follow these commandments carefully, and you'll lose that pesky virginity inside of two weeks. It cannot fail, I guarantee! However, ifit does somehow fail and after one month you have had no luck, then this is my advice: lose three hundred pounds, get some acne cream, transfer out of the RC, and start practicing personal hygiene. Now go get 'em tiger, and remember, BE PERSISTENT! ~ .


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Summer, 2000

Page 1

Rules of the Road The GIRL'S guide to survival

By

RABEH SOOFI

hey go to frat parties. They hunt in packs. They are everything wrong with America. In every freshman woman's life comes a time when she shall be approached by one of these leech-like creatures who cannot comprehend rejection. These beings are below the males you used to know in high school-and must be dealt with that way. They will try to find you when you tell him you are going "for more beer," saying that you "promise to be back in a second." They just don't get it-they are busy thrusting away into empty air. For these reasons, it is important to provide all the beautiful, eligible incoming freshman girls a guide on how to stop thrusting before it begins, and get something meaningful out of the year.

T

Rule #1. You Are a Scarcity. Treat Yourself (and Your Repuration!) Like One They will hound after you, and when you begin dancing, they will stare with their jaws dropped. They are drunk, and looking for anything that has a pulse. Of course, every freshman girl loses herself in the drinking, dancing, hooking-up and other weekend activities. But before you do anything, make sure you are doing it because you honestly want to, not because you think it will be a cool thing to do, or an awesome thing to talk about with your friends Monday in class. Before you do anything, ask yourself if it would be okay with your parents, your siblings, and your loved ones. If there is no conflict, go right ahead. If you would feel ashamed or embarrassed, maybe what you're doing isn't the real you. Rule #2 Use Them for What Thc;y

doorway of a house with Greek letters, he loses many things - "most notably, his honesty and sincerity. They will do anything to get you to hook up with them. They will say that you were radiating beauty and sexiness from a corner of the room, they will shower you with flattery, and they will say they have fallen in love with an angel. This is especially dangerous when you may have a crush of sorts on this guy. He, having known that you may have some feelings for him, uses that against you and says that he has been in love with you since he met you that day when he saw you moving into South Quad with your things. All a ploy. They are lying through their teeth, and will be delivering the same line to another girl tomorrow night. Rule #4 The.y Will Never Call You the Next Day " This rule ties into Rule #3. Sometimes you spend a night flirting with a guy, and he will treasure you as though you are his unfound love. He will get your number,

ask you where you live, meet your friends, everything. Again, all lies. He will never call the next day. He just wants you for that night, because tomorrow night there will be another party with other Greek letters on another street. Do not get emotionally involved, in the least bit, with anybody you come into contact with.

Rule #3 Neyer Believe One Word

That Any Guy at a Frat Party Says As soon as a 路guy:'p_as~es_"~~~~r.. !ge.

Rule #5 Devise a Battle Plan in Case of Emergencies Girlfriends are crucial here. Before you go anywhere, you must devise a plan, or signal, or phrase to clue the others in to your potentially bad situation with a loser who won't leave you alone. If you are good enough friends, they will just sense it. Pick the most spunky of your friends and whenever you are trapped by boring conversation or a dork crimping your style, have her invade the situation and drag you away "for water" or "to go to the bathroom." Never come back, and always avoid eye. contact with the dork.

Rule #6 Learning to Go Peq>endicular Where there is dancing, frat swine are sure to be found, grinding up against a girl that most likely never asked to be groundup against. How must one deal with thrusting pelvises and hands put where they

lost weight, and put on Abercrombie and Fitch hats. They cannot get women on their own, so they prey on innocent young freshman girls. They have no sense of morality. Furthermore, they will most likely develop alcoholism in the near future. Their existence is summed up by the first line ofJay-Z's Big Pimpin', which reads: "You know I thug 'em, f- 'em, love 'em, leave 'em, 'cause I don't f-ing need 'em." So before you hook up with one, ask yourself, is this stranger worth swapping spit with? Rule #9 Creeps Don't Come Out in

Daylight Rule #7 When all Fails. Lie and Run Like Hell Some guys just will not get it. They have been told to be persistent, and have tuned all other rationality out of their heads. In these circumstances, you must morph into a compulsive liar. Say that you are not into guys, that you are "experimenting with the love that dare not

Scanty clothing can get you very far on a Friday night, so long as you are careful. Just remember that in instances of mutual-manipulation, there can. never be anything meaningful.

Are Worth Why? Because you can sure bet your bottom dollar that they are using you for what you're worth. Feelings? Relationships? Curse the thoughts. Deception, manipulation, and womanizing abounds at every corner. So use them, for beer, a good time, whatever you want. Scanty clothing can get you very far on a Friday night, so long as you are careful. Just remember that in instances of mutualmanipulation, there can never be anything meaningful. Understand that you have power over these creatures, so get what you want, and be done with them. Never, though, should you use this strategy with "nice guys," who you may meet in one of your classes, or through a friend, who may develop genuine feelings for you.

don't belong? A simple technique: First, do not make eye contact with the animal at any point in time. Second, do not bend over to condone or approve the grindingfrom-behind process. Instead, stand straight up as you are dancing, and gradually, ever so slowly, begin rotating away from him so that you are perfectly perpendicular. He cannot do anything in this situation, except grind your knee, but that is tacky, so even guys don't do that. He will try to move ... move with him! Do not 'let him break the perpendicularity. Slowly, begin inching away from him, and bolt.

speak its name," that you feel like you are going to puke. In extreme cases, go ahead and throw up on his shoes. That'll keep him away for good. If you have already engaged in some making-out, however, it is a bit more difficult. He will, no doubt, want to continue, since he has found his catch-of-the-night. You must ditch him immediately. Panic that you have lost your best friend, and that you absolutely must find her. She has your keys, after all! If he offers to come with you, say okay, but then weave through the largest crowd, with the most tightly packed people, and try to lose him. After you have gotten away, find any guy, even ifit is a friend. Then, start talking to him. The other loser won't come back unless you're alone or with your girlfriends. Rule #8 Any Guy Worth Your Tune Won't Be at a Frat Party Decent guys won't be found at any sort of frat party. The kind of guy you want to meet is in your history class, does the readings each week and has a "Spiro-Agnew '76" button on his backpack. Okay, maybe not. But he does not find joy in making out with girls whose names he can't remember the next day, or drinking so much that he pukes. Frat party frequenters are dorks who have cleared up their skin,

Many guys you know around the dorms, or in classes seem like nice guys. But they may have ulterior motives. They will tell you of parties, asking you if you want to "hang out" at night. Women, be aware, there is a crucial difference between night-activities and day-activities. This litmus test is a sure-fire way of determining whether a guy is interested in making you his girlfriend, or another notch on his bedpost. If he asks you to a party, you can imagine what will happen. He will take to the bottle, lay down t~e smack, and hunt for some lovin'. However, picture him asking you if you want to go get lunch after your Anthro class. This, my friends, is a noble intention. He doesn't mind being " seen with you in public, and he has sincere notions of being kind and ~eet to you. A guy who only wants you between the hours of midnight and 3 a.m, however, may not be such a good investment. Again, daydates are in, and night-dates (unless they are of the gentlemanly "Dinner and Movie, I'll pick you up at 7" type) are big red-flag no"-no's!

Rule #10 Don't Lose the Diamond in

the Rough

If you should stumble upon the delicate, often misunderstood, nocturnally mysterious guy of your dreams, however, be good to him. Treat him well. Don't use him for gifts, dinner, or arm-candy. The truth is, we women don't want aggressive chick-picker-uppers to wow us with their persistence and cheesy lines. We want honesty, sincerity, and sensitivity. We don't mind dresSing up and looking nice, but we don't like to be used and left behind when the night is over. So if one of you ladies does indeed find the proverbial "diamond in the rough." don't let him get away. That's it girls. Ten rules to keep you on the road and safe. Don't forget that while there may be tons of these evil sexual predators prowling the night, there are just as many decent ones. The only problem, then, is figuring out which one is which.Mt


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Pap 18

Five Classic College Videos What to rent when you're bored and dateless thermore, every character in the movie resembles somebody you know. Also, no one can party like John Belushi. Fantasy: Contrary to popular belief, sororities do not get into pillow fights in their underwear.

BY MICHAEL AUSTIN

HEN THE ACADEMIC year is in full swing, chances are . your definition of "going out" will be "leaving your room to go to the library." Before school starts, go rent one of the classic college videos, so as to be completely prepared for what you will soon face. What better kind of movie is there to watch than one that involves college students partying, drinking, and doing all sorts of other things that are quickly forgotten when there is a paper due at 8 a.m . the next morning? Here are five movies, all with college themes. In case you have no idea what real college life is like, there are handy outlines of the realistic and fantastic elements in each.

W

Revenge of the Nerds (1984): Freshmen outcasts Robert Carra dine and Anthony Edwards are bullied and beaten by the jocks of the Alpha Beta fraternity. In retaliation, they form their own fraternity and declare all-out war. A cast of stereotypical characters and a number of raunchy jokes fill out the simple plot. Reality: Almost every stereotype from this movie can be found on North Campus . As illustrated by recent events at the University of Michigan, jocks frequently bully others by stealing personal items like computers.

like to pretend otherwise, schools want people with good numbers. Additionally, a small liberal-arts school probably does not consider race as a factor in admissions, which is only possible in movies, California, Washington, Texas, Lousiana, and Mississippi.

How 1 Got Into College (1989): High school senior Marlon tries to overcome a low grade point average and bad test scores to follow local smart girl Jennifer to a small Pennsylvania college. Meanwhile Jennifer has to contend with her overbearing parents, who insist she attend their alma mater, our very own University of Michigan. This film puts an amusing twist on every aspect of college ~dmissions, includ~g te~t preparation schools (featurmg Phil Hartman), admissions officers, and National Lampoon 's Animal House the "two men, A and B" test ques. (1978): Faber College's worst fraternity, tions. . I h h the Delta House, fights Dean Vernon Rea /tty: Many peop eave c osen Wormer, ROTC, and the snob fraternity, schools for far worse reasons than Omega House. Highlights include the romance. Everything else is hard to . dge, SInce . h'Igh Sc h00I will soon seem homecoming parade, John Belushi, and JU . . II I the toga party. iJke some strange, dIstant para e . . Reality: Either fraternity could be h h th The staff last year during the trip to Tampa one of a number-of real-life houses. Fur- umverse. matter ow_ muc ey_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _.... too b usy worki ng _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _Fantasy: _ _ _No __ ___ ___

Dorm, Sweet Dorm

just look at all those guys and gals who rush fraternities and sororities - "rushing" S A FRESHMAN HAVING being a cool euphemism for "buying not yet lived in the dorms, you friends." (Seepage 11.) True, being a Greek have a long way to go until faced has its unique amenities. There's the with the question: "Are students brother/sisterhood thing, the various better off sleep ing and eating in the intramural athletic programs, and let's not University dorms, in Greek houses, or in forget the hedonistic weekend ritual of ~n apartment? " A long expose ' on drinking and partying. Yet the dorms offer dormitory dining costs, which appeared in students many of the same athletic and the Review not too long ago, argued from social opportunities, and more: academic a purely financial viewpoint that the dorm- advising, libraries, and exercise rooms are dwelling students get scammed. (See http:/ but a few - without the initial nuisances /wv.'W.umich.edu/ ~ mrev/scammed.html of scrubbing bathrooms, painting The for more路 info.) It is true that the University Rock, and drinking profusely just to prove overcharges us, bills us for uneaten meals, that "You're one of us, dude!" and generally takes more than it gives. Such Then there's money, without question statistical analyses , however, tragically every student's biggest concern, besides sex. ignore the nicer things about dorm life: the The bottom line on dormitories is that they perks that have no dollar value but which are expensive. This year, I'm paying more add considerably to the standard of living. than $6,500 for my single, compared to Perks like: developing close friendships in the measly $2,300 rent I will pay for the a cozy, summer-camp-Iike environment; sa me eight month period next year. being exposed to a d iverse universe of However, that figure does not include people and campus activities; and not utilities , which will add another one having to worry about meals, an Internet hundred dollars or so to the rent each connection, and utility bills - or about month. It also doesn't include the headache cleaning the bathroom or the kitchen, for of actually remembering to pay the that matter! utilities. Then there is the crucial issue of Ignoring the money issue, dorms are the all-important Internet connection. ideal for first-year students. They provide Earlier in the year, I paid a one-time fee of a safe platform around which to build a fifty dollars or so for a speedy Ethernet solid social life. Yes, that sounds geeky, but hook-up through the dorm. That's a real BY DROR BARON

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bargain, especially when compared to the huge installation and monthly fees associated with a purchasing a similar connection through a private company. Though a seemingly trivial issue, the predominance of e-mail and the Internet on this campus - which will only increase over time - make a fast home connection (cable modem, Ethernet, etc.) indispensable. To compare: a cable Internet service would cost over $50 per month. Another financial plus: dorms are a work-study Mecca, with generous pay scales and the convenience of literally working at home. What's more, dormitory cafeterias hire students at the healthy starting wage of $7.10 an hour; you won't be paid nearly as well doing the same job anywhere else on campus. Dorm libraries, front desks, and computer sites provide additional employment right on the premises. By taking full advantage of these vast financial resources, one could potentially earn more than $2,000 without ever having to leave the cozy confines of the dormitory. What a lot of it boils down to is that it's simply worthwhile to take it easy for a couple years in the dorms. There you can decide what you want to do and when. There are no commitments, no attached stereotypes, no pressures. It's the perfect way to kick off an enjoyable college experience. ~

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rantasy.路 nce . .. agalO, soroflttes are all h not re ~ w ~t y~ur te~nhage Im aglOattOI). WIS es t h ey were. F th . N h ur er tflpS to ort C '11 I ampus WI revea that nerds are much on EECS 270 to score

with women, much less talk to other humans. PCU(1994) : Animal House adapted to the politically correct atmosphere of the 90s. Jeremy Piven leads his housemates in a never-ending quest for a good time as they battle against leftist political groups, right-wing elitists, and an administration bent on evicting them from their home. Reality: The intro to the movie almost perfectly re-enacts the Diag scene on any given day. The administration is more concerned about diversity than actual education. The school's legal system, however, is eerily like our beloved Code (see page 7). Fantasy: In real life, AAPD would bust any party serving alcohol to minors, and Jeremy Piven would end up in jail.

The Graduate (1967): Although many movies on the American Film Industry's Top 100 list may not deserve it, this film is right where it should be at number 7. Dustin Hoffman plays the role of a recent college graduate who falls in love with a girl, after an affair . with her mother. After more than thirty years, this movie still remains relevant to anyone who is confused about their place in the world. Reality: Everything. Fantasy: Don't we all wish that Dustin Hoffman never made Ishrar? ~


ISu~rn~r, 2000

Foulest From Page 5 breath. 10. Lloyd Hall Scholars 125(165). College Writing. Section 002 - Beyond O .J. and Nicole: The Realities of Sexual and Domestic Violence. Still have a crush on Marsha Clark or Allen Dershiwitz? "Everyone has his or her opinion about the guilt or innocence ofO.J., but how many have thought about the complicated dynamics of domestic violence that led to the tr,ial of O.} . Simpson?" He's guilty, get over it. 9. CAAS 332/NR&E 336. Environment and Inequality First of all, the fact that this class is cross referenced between the school of tree huggers and the Center for African American Studies department should be enough to cause a little doubt in its validity as a "good" course. That being said, the course intends to "explore the relationship between environ men t and social inequality." CAAS 332 effective links two liberal buzzwords together; Double trouble. It also "also examines the relationship between race, class, gender, and the processes by which environmental inequalities arise." This is an attempt to show that some how living in the tundra versus a steppe climate is racist, ageist, and sexist. Maybe one is colder, but does that justify spending a semester studying the inequalities between an Eskimo woman and a Jamaican guy. No. What's next? A class examining the relationship between the existence of Dunkin' Donuts and social equity? 8. Amer. Cult. 210. Introduction to Ethnic Studies. Section 001 Introduction to the History of Filipinos in the United States "The aim of this course is to provide an introductory overview of the history of Filipinos in the United States." Innocent enough .. . just wait. "Amer Cult. 210 has three objectives. First, it will acquaint students with late nineteenth-century Western imperialism as a formative period for Philippine and American national identities ... In this vein, this course wilt propose that U.S. 'imperialism did not end with the granting of Philippine independence in 1946 ... Secondly, we will examine how U.S. imperialism created the conditions for Filipino communities and politics in early twentieth-century America .... The third course objective is to encourage a critical analysis of historical memory and "ethnic" identity." This course can be summed up i in a much more simple description: "We will concentrate on hating America for the duration of the

THE IIICIDGA1f REVlBW - CULTURE

Page

11

course." They might as well have MIM comrade 52 teach this class. What the description doesn't mention is that "By then end of the course, each student will be expected to stutter when pronouncing 'Amerikkka. '"

400 - Lawn Mowing physics. Or maybe Women's Studies 312. Housework. Section 001 - Intro to Dishwashing. Section 002 :... Intro to Bathroom Maintenance. Section 003 - Preparing the perfect after work meal for your husband.

1. Soc. 389. Practicum in Sociology. This Praticum has many sections, all of which involved working in the community. Of those, far too many involve the propagation of a liberal agenda into young minds.

7. Lloyd Hall Scholars 151. Focused Studies. Section 004 - Sex: What's your Position? In this "focused study" the "class will explore the historical roots of Western sexuality, from the Judeo-Christian tradition to U.S. sexual codes in the late twentieth century. We will consider the social basis of human sexuality by ex~ining sexual learning and how sexual scripts vary across gender, as well as trends in sexual attitudes and behavior, including sexual orientation." Additionally, the class will involve a lot of giggling and note passing just like 7<h grade health class.

3. Eng!. 317. Literature and Culture. Section 00 1 - How to be Gay: Male Homosexuality and Initiation "Just because you happen to be a gay man doesn't mean that you don't have to learn how. to become one." It's just like being Irish. Where would the Irish be without the learned skills of drinking on St. Patties day, talking so funny, and all those "Mc" naines? Those are cool. In this course students will learn how to be gay, even if they aren't already. It's just that simple. Besides concentrating on "divaworship, drag, muscle culture, style, fashion, and interior design," students will have speech therapy to develop the characteristic lisp. Additionally, 3 South Park Episodes will be screened and students will be required to analyze Big Gay Al in a 7-10 page paper. After all, he is the paragon of gaydom, right? Eng!. 317's sole existence is to promote gay stereotypes and myths. Ifbeing gay actually requires a class, what's

Section 020 - Feminist Mentors. In this section, undergraduate women volunteer as feminist mentors {"fern tors") to 6th and 7th grade girls at West Middle School in Ypsilanti. The "It's Great to Be a Girl" program." The basic philosophy of this course is get them young and get them converted. This offers the "femtors" a chance to teach impressionable girls that men are evil pigs before they actually have a chance to go on their first date, let alone get pregnant. The course requires a lab fee, no doubt used for buying them their first pair of Birkenstocks and the complete box set of Indigo Girls CD's for their "(emtees." Lets just say this isn't a class to take if you are planning on "admiring the scenery," unless of course haity pits are your thing.

6: Soc. 495. SpeCial Course. Section 002 - SexlGenderlSexuaIities: Gender and the Body. Meets with Women's Studies 483.003. This course asks the pressing questions-: "Are there more than two "genders"? What is the significance of the

In this course you will pay untold amounts 'of money to baby sit. Maybe next year they will offer Physics 400 - Lawn Mowing physics. Or maybe Women's Studies 312. Housework. Section 001Intro to Dishwashing. Section 002 - Intro to Bathroom Maintenance. Section 003 Preparing the perfect after work meal for your husband. "Naked Mile" for studies of gender & the body? Why are so many women on diets?" No, none, and because they are fat. Okay, now you don't need to take the course. 5. History 241. War and Society in the Modern Middle East. A majority of the Michigan Review Editorial Board agree; This class is boring. Really boring. Really really boring. 4. Psych. 211. Outreach. Section 001 - Working with Preschool Children. "S tudents will volunteer at a community preschool or childcare center with infants, toddlers, and/or preschool children (ages 0-6)." In this course you will pay untold amounts of money to baby sit. Maybe next year they will offer Physics

next , the boo k " Being G ay for Dummies?" 2. Lloyd Hall Scholars 125(165). College Writing. Section 005 - Personal Environmental Activism This course will teach you life skills such as how to survive freezing cold water as you are about to be run down by a whaling boat or how to create a human barricade within 30 seconds. Oh yeah, and this course will also leave you "with a strong understanding of college writing." So when you are about to be cut in half by an angry lumber jack you will still have time to write out your will in time and leave YOlH REI and North Face wardrobe collection to your "lifemate." And the foulest of the fall ...

Section 009 - KCP: North Maple. "Looking for a friend? Well, wait no longer. The North Maple Community Center has an array of young students interested in keeping you busy. Find a friend to tutor and mentor. Three hours a week you'll have the opportunity to help with school work, pray games, take small field trips and develop a relationship with a teenage resident of the North Maple Housing Project." Hmmm .. . "Keep you busy?" Ok, ether this is molester heaven or a class for people so socially inept that they need to take a course just to make friends. So if 14 year old girls are your bag, and statuary rape is not a concern, you'd surely fit into section 009 well. Section 037 - Prison Debate Club. "Students in this section will work in teams to lead a debate club at either the Adrian Prison, the Western Wayne Prison, or the Cooper Street Correctional Facility on a weekly basis." Possible debate topics: Who has the tightest ass on Block-D? Which guard is the most "doable?" How much can you bench? And who has the most tattoos? Section 040 - Leadership for Activism and Social Protest. Okay, this course d oesn't have a description ; no doubt because there is nothing that could be said that could even begin to cover the despicable nature of it. Avoid at all costs.NR Justin Wilson is Publisher and Managing Editor of the Review, a sophmore in Political Science, and an all-around good guy.


, ':"

Everything You Ever Wan ted to Know A Handy Glossary of the Things You Will Encountyr at U-M .IJ'_"'r.iJ _ __ _save _ _it._Trust ___ _ come ___ _ ...somedav.) _ _ ....... _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ~ ______________ (KeeD this and us,_ it'll in _ handv

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4:20- Recognized international time for pot smoking. Originates from police code for someone on marijuana. Meanwhile, real Americans patiently await passage of Helms-Thurmond Pothead Smackdown bill. AAPD - In the beginning, there was a frat. And unto that frat, God said, "Go forth, get thee drunk and be carnally pleasured, and throw totally righteous parties for the pathetic freshmen, so that they might also partake of the forbidden fruits of thy drunken sorority chicks." And upon those frats came forth the wrath of AAPD, for the public didst say, «Thou art responsible for the tragic death of Courtney Canror." For forty days and nights didst MPD raid and pillage, fostering MIP's on gently drunk freshmen. And the sky was black upon the land. BAMN - The Coalition to Defend Affirmative Action By Any Means Necessary. This group holds rallies that tend ro attract few people until fire-alarms mysteriously go off all around campus. Possibly a front for the Revolutionary Worker's League or maybe Satan, Campus Corner - Best place to pass a fake 10 on campus (or so we've heard) . Code of Student Conduct - Known simply as "The Code." U-M's little way of disregarding students' constitutional rights. Its provisions deny students the right to counsel, the right to face their accuser, and the right to be innocent until proven guilty beyond a reas on able d o ubt. Its implementation limits students' freedoms of speech, press, and assembly. (See page 4 for more details.) College Libertarian{s} - Charles Goodman, and maybe some other people. Graduation was very tough on them this year. Meetings, every Wednesday at 4:20. College RepubLicans - Technically, no longer a studen t group after an unfortuate "forging of pub I i c document s" incident, but will be ba ck again next year, with perhaps real signatures and social security Erika Dowdell numbers. DAAP -

A campus political parry, cleverly entitled the Defend Affirmative Action Party. The political arm of BAMN and yet another possible branch of the Revolutionary Worker's League. Erika Dowdell - a.k.a. Curtin's puppet. Heir apparent to the Curtin legacy. Chip Enghnder- The most powerful individual to single-handedly alter the results of an election since the elder Richard Daley. Every Three Weekly- The non-official source of humor at the University of Michigan ever since the Gargoyle started being terminally unfunny. No group or tragically deceased person is safe from their humor. Gargoyle - U-M's unintentionally serious magazine. Studies have shown that readers get as much of a laugh from the Gargoyle as a triple back-to-back-to-back feamre of Shoah, Sophie's Choice and Schindler's List. Jessica "The Iron " Curtin - Che Guevera wannabe known primarily for inciting riots in downtown Ann Arbor, and using her MSA seat to direct sei-zed student money to leftist causes. Winner of the Michigan Review's "Miss White Liberal Guilt" award·for 1998. Leader ofBAMN, DAAP, NWROC, and other assorted nogoodnik organizations. Keeps her hair long so the public can't see her "666" birthmark on her scalp. LSA-SG A minor student government body, with some power to alter curriculum. Unlike MSA, this group of student politicians actually gets things done. M~st recent LSA-SG success: getting the University to authorize minors. (See http://www. umich.edu/ ~mrev/lsasg.html) Luke Massie - a.k.a. Curtin's biatch. Massie, a ruffian who doesn't go to school here, hangs out around campus to aid leftist student groups and terrorize unsuspecting Michiganders on the Diag. Suspected FBI informant. "M" - Landmark at the center of campus. Legend says that if a freshwoman steps on the "M" before her first blue book, she must kiss the first Michigan Review reporter she sees. Failure to do so results in total academic failu re and eventual explusion .. Masley, Jodi - Law student and a BAMN bigwig that actually seems to be getting an education. Unfortunately, they don't seem to teach ediquette at the Law School, as MSA learned when Jodi decided to speak out against an MSA investigation

s

into her Lord Satan, er, Jessica Curtin. Maybe her speech was written by Quentin Tarentino, or maybe she has Tourette's Syndrome, but her language would make sailors cringe and ask her if she ate with that mouth. Matthew 5:42 - How one inspired Review reporter convinced Preacher Bob to hand over his holy wallet. Meijer- A giant superstore where one can find cheap food, even cheaper clothing, toys, and best of all, guns. Curtin's former workplace. Reportedly have excellent hats. Michigan Daily - Most prominent campus newspaper. Famous for cross-word puzzle, inaccurate sports predictions, and 109 years of inane editorial writing. Michigan Independent - U-M's very own fashion magazine. Survives on MSA grants. Grade: 0Michigan Review - Crusaders for the American Way. The pen may be mightier than the sword, but let's just keep the sword around, just in case, alright? MIM Notes Publication put together by the Maoist International Movement. Affectionately referred to as "Mim" by the locals. Ann Arbor's best unintentional humor magazine. Known for its interesting spellings, such as the "United $nakes of AmeriKKKa." Michigan Student Assembly - a.k.a. MSA. Primary student government of UM. Central powers include seizing $5.84 per semester from each student to fund an array of liberal causes, and dictating U .S. foreign policy. (See www.umich.edu/ ~mrev/msa.html)

NWROC - National Women's Rights Organizing Coalition. Instead of helping battered women , this would-be beneficial organization spends all of its time: A) mixed up with the likes of BAMN and DMP, fighting for affirmative action, and 13) calling all men "potential rapists. " Also a likely front for the Revo lutionary Worker's League. (these guys really get around, don't they?) Chill out girls militant feminism causes wrinkles. Preacher Bob Diag Minister warning students about eternal damnation for such atrocities as masturbation , Mormonism, and wearing unmatching socks. President Lee "Mophead" Bollinger Headmaster of the University of Michigan, our Fearless Leader in the battle for racial preferences, illiberal education, and the Soviet way. Often seen frequenting the Village Corner.

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RAIL Revolutionary AntiImperialist League. MIM-affiliated organization on campus. Recipients of a $1,600 MSA grant last semester. Ralph Williams Esoteric b u brilliant professor, known to occasionally s pea k above his students' heads.

Jessica "The Iron"Curtin

Shaky Jake - King of Homeless Merchandising. See Shaky Jake go a-beggin' on the streets with his Shaky Jake tapes, bumper stickers, and high quality Rolex watches for $19.95. SOLE - Students Organizing for Labor and Economic Equality: Students campaigning for fewer swea tshops and more unemployment. Members do not know how to spell. A fun game is to take a group picture of SOLE, and the play "Where's Rodolfo, a.k.a. the only reason SOLE's membership is more diverse then that of the Aryan Nations?" SPEED - Students Promo ting Export-oriented Economic Development: Students campaigning for more sweatshops and less pre-teen unemployment. Hideki Tsutumi - The president of M SA. His office was hard won, having single-handedly campaigned for a year before winning in a landslide this March. Can be seen walking around with "Hi! Hideki is now MSA President! " sign. UAC - University Activities Center, the organization responsible for much of h e programmmg on campus.

A Iso responsible for funding all-e xpense p aid weekend retreats at the Hilton for its members, u s in g Luke "Needs a Haircut" stu den t Massie

Vol_19_No_1  

i i ' I I ;1 if 'i . i ! [ ~

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