Mountain Xpress 12.31.25

OUR 32ND YEAR OF WEEKLY INDEPENDENT NEWS, ARTS & EVENTS FOR WESTERN NORTH CAROLINA VOL. 32 NO. 22 DEC. 31, 2025 - JAN. 6, 2026

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DEC. 31, 2025 - JAN 6, 2026

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C O N T E NT S

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YOU HAVE THE PRIVILEGE TO OBEY Ways to embrace the one big beautiful occupation

12 WAR OF WORDS (AND BIRDS) A survivor’s account of the Woodfin uprising

What books will Buncombe County Schools ban in 2026? How will Weaverville officials finally resolve noise complaints about its pickleball courts? What clever protest signs will Asheville residents create to oppose the new federal law that bans most THC products?

The Xpressers Almanac offers predictions for these pressing matters and more!

COVER ILLUSTRATION Brent Brown COVER DESIGN Scott Southwick

15 HEY BATTER, BATTER — SWING! Asheville pitches MLB on expansion team

16 RADICAL NONCHALANCE Is this Asheville’s hottest new trend?

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LETTERS

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CARTOON: MOLTON

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WORD OF THE WEEK

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CARTOON: BRENT BROWN

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HUMOR

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FAKE NEWS

15 FAKE SPORTS 17 DEAR MAMA An advice column on breast deflation and other issues associated with motherhood

16 FAKE FASHION 17 FAKE WELLNESS 18 FAKE ARTS & CULTURE 22 COMMUNITY CALENDAR 25 WHAT’S NEW IN FOOD

A&C

27 CLUBLAND 19 FRIENDS IN NEED Local artists release benefit album for three-legged pets

30 FREEWILL ASTROLOGY 30 CLASSIFIEDS 31 NY TIMES CROSSWORD

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DEC. 31, 2025 - JAN 6, 2026

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OPINION

Send your letters to the editor to letters@mountainx.com.

Legalizing THC is the best solution [Regarding “Budding Disaster? New Federal THC Rules Could Wipe Out WNC Hemp Industry,” Dec 3, Xpress:] The 2018 farm bill was supposed to help farmers by creating a market for sustainable hemp-based products such as hempcrete, plastics and clothing. It wasn’t intended to create a loophole to sell intoxicating products of very dubious origin.

Legal THC bud and edibles in most states are well-regulated, thoroughly lab-tested for purity, pesticides, heavy metals, microbiohazards, yeast and molds, among other things. When you buy from the legal industry, you know what you are getting. And folks in the legal industry are focused on providing safe products, since they know that a percentage of their customers have health challenges. The THC sector can take the food sector to school on lot tracking and testing.

As THC became legal, opioid prescriptions and overdoses dropped. Alcohol sales dropped by up to 15% in state after state. “California sober” is a thing.

But the gas stations, convenience stores and pop-up dispensaries are ped-

for hotels, which are notoriously low wage payers.

The real issue to me seems to be that a Costco — which is a project that residents have desired for some time — doesn’t do enough for the Tourism Development Authority. I think City Council should do something that locals actually want.

Personally, I don’t shop at Costco, but unless there is another concrete plan or proposal for the site, it makes no sense to deny it. It’s never going to become affordable housing, and no one else has offered to build anything on the site for years. What is Clark Duncan waiting for?

Another defense industry manufacturer?

— Mark H. Bloom Asheville

Soccer boosts spirits at sports park C A RT O O N B Y R AN DY M O L T O N dling unregulated products, without age limits or ID verification, made in labs often without ISO 17024 certifications.

It is a bit complicated, but know that delta-8 is a synthetic conversion of CBD. THCA, when smoked, decarboxylizes

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into THC, which (at higher levels) is illegal still in North Carolina.

The best solution is to push ahead with THC legalization in North Carolina, making the products well-regulated and safe. Aggressively suppress the illicit market in pot. Eliminate these dubious hemp-based intoxicants. Forty-one other states have gone down the path of marijuana legalization, and it is time to North Carolina residents to benefit.

— David Dixon Asheville

Let Costco build at Enka site I read with interest the Asheville Watchdog article by John Boyle citing Clark Duncan’s opposition to the proposed Costco site in Enka due to the “wages, tax base and land use” issues [“Proposed Costco Location in Enka Opposed by Economic Development Coalition,” Dec. 10]. It seems to me that the Planning and Zoning Commission, as well as the City Council, have green lighted many construction projects

Word of the week pasquinade (n.)

a creative work that uses sharp humor to point out the foolishness of a person, institution or human nature in general

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DEC. 31, 2025 - JAN 6, 2026

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Welcome to our annual Humor Issue, where you’ll find a series of pasquinades about various Asheville scenes.

These stories are 100% fake news and should not be taken seriously or shared online as fact-based reporting. X

As a senior citizen, I frequently walk for exercise at the Buncombe County Sports Park. The lower section of the park has numerous comfortable paths for walking. Parking and bathroom facilities are also available.

I particularly enjoy my exercise regime on late afternoon weekdays and on the weekends. This is because I can watch hundreds of individuals from early grade-school age into adulthood practicing and playing soccer on the various fields in the park. A good number of the fields now have beautiful artificial turf. What I enjoy most is watching the younger boys and girls on weekdays working on developing their skills, teamwork play and having what seems to be a great deal of fun. The coaching with each of the age groups is just excellent.

On weekends, high school age and older individuals are playing matches at a very high level. In addition to English, teammates call out to each other in Spanish and Ukrainian. At both practices and during formal games, the sidelines are often filled with friends and family enjoying the experience.

The Buncombe County Parks & Recreation Department has done an excellent job in providing and maintaining this facility. The Asheville Buncombe Youth Soccer Association deserves special recognition for developing and coordinating all the team practices and game schedules. ABYSA has a stated mission to empower children, strengthen families and enrich the community through soccer. Clearly, they have achieved that goal.

At the same time, ABYSA has added a very special element to my walking routine. In addition to healthy exercise, I experience great pleasure in watching young people have a good time playing soccer.

— Richard Boyum Candler

CARTOON BY BRENT BROWN

Buncombe kids need volunteer advocates I want to share a wonderful volunteer activity that I have been doing for the past 18 months. I am a Guardian ad Litem (GAL) in Buncombe County. As a GAL, I am a court-appointed advocate for a child who has been found by the court to be abused or neglected. Many of these innocents come from families struggling to break generational cycles of dysfunction due to substance abuse, domestic violence or untreated mental illness. Some are subject to emotional and physical abuse. Others are prenatally exposed newborns not only suffering the effects of withdrawal, but also separation from their mothers at a time of critical bonding.

Where do these children go, once they are removed from an unsafe situation? Some are placed with relatives, and many are placed with foster parents. As a GAL, I get to be the “fairy godmother” and can have a relationship with everyone: the assigned caregiver, social worker, biological parents, doctor, teacher, therapist and most importantly, the child.

In time, many children are reunited with one or two parents, but when reunification is not viable, the GAL helps explore another custodial arrangement by a family member or foster parent. GALs provide reports full

of vital observations that are given for the court’s examination. These reports are respected as a “voice” for the child and are an important piece in determining their future.

I enthusiastically share my passion for being a GAL. Many are intrigued by the program but don’t think that they would be good at it. Trust me, that is what I thought, but the experience is so rewarding. Plus, I can attest that my involvement does make a difference in the lives of these children.

Currently, there are 47 children in the GAL program without volunteer advocates. The program currently supports 163 volunteers for 316 children.

The sad reality is that in our beautiful county that survived Hurricane Helene and is a favorite destination from people far and wide, a high volume of cases continues to need the intervention of the court. Fifteen children alone came into the GAL Program in November.

Won’t you please consider being a Guardian ad Litem? Contact the Guardian ad Litem offices at 828-2593443, find out more about this important program and sign up for the next training session that starts in January — a six-week course that requires one day a week for a few hours. Commit to that New Year’s resolution today. Trust me, it’s time well spent!

— Joan Mencher Guardian ad Litem volunteer Asheville X MOUNTAINX.COM

DEC. 31, 2025 - JAN 6, 2026

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H U M O R I S S U E - 100% F A K E N E W S OPINION

XPRESSERS ALMANAC

PREDICTIONS FOR THE COMING YEAR Editor’s note: The following predictions are part of Xpress’ annual Humor Issue.

It’s all in good fun, folks.

Top 10 books most likely banned from Buncombe County Schools • Kamala Harris’ 107 Days • The Little Transgender Engine That Could • Alice in ICE Detention • The Chronicles of Montford • James and the Giant Personal Data Breach

B EST OF WNC 2025 GUIDE Pick up your print copy OUT NOW! today!

NEW EDITION

In boxes everywhere

• Paddington Bear Gets Deported • A is for Anarchy, B is for Bisexual • Charlotte’s Dark Web • Snow White and the Seven IPAs • The Berenstein Files

Top 5 protest signs opposing the new federal law prohibiting all products containing more than 0.4 milligrams of THC • I’ll give you my delta-8 when you pry it from my cold, dead hands • Make Hemp Great Again • No Justice, No Peace Pipe • No hempin’ way • Don’t tread on my weed

Top 5 ways Weaverville officials attempt to address the ongoing drama about noise levels at its pickleball courts • Accuse the dissenters of being paid actors from Woodfin • Open an artisan pickle shop next door • Invite buskers to perform next to the courts to drown out the noise

The Tourism Development Authority’s top aspirations for 2026: • Encourage players to dress up as black bears — everyone loves spotting a black bear!

• Nod and smile and say, “We understand, and thank you.” And then move on to the next item on the agenda.

Top 5 reasons the Trump administration deploys the National Guard in Asheville • He’s jealous Mayor Esther Manheimer has served three terms • The “Monumental Mess Xpress” keeps reporting fake news about the impacts federal cuts are having on local residents and he doesn’t like it.

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DEC. 31, 2025 - JAN 6, 2026

MOUNTAINX.COM

Exciting revenue generation opportunities Asheville City Council can look into for 2026 • Sponsor-a-pothole campaign • Turn Coxe Avenue into the country’s longest, slowest and most agonizing slip and slide, lubricated by beer from defunct local breweries • Stage a hostile takeover of Woodfin • Remember the accounting scam in the movie Office Space? Have the city do that to the Tourism Development Authority.

• We hear tariffs are effective

Life in Asheville in 2026, reimagined as ‘It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia’ episode titles • The Gang Buys Shakey’s • The Gang Can’t Find Woodfin • The Gang Camps Out at the UNC Asheville Woods • The Gang Uses AI to Generate a Mountain Xpress Cover Image • The Gang Leaves Asheville

• • He purchased a Go Local card and all it got him was a free bottle of water at a local chocolate shop • Radical leftist bears • Rumors of a Dadbod takeover

• Get all their money back from the city, which you may have heard stole it from the TDA by using that accounting scam from the movie Office Space • Convert the Pit of Despair into a highly dangerous roller skate rink • Announce the development of its latest publication: “A Guide to Purchasing Second Homes for Wealthy Leaf Peepers” • Figure out a slightly less sexual phrase for “leaf peepers” • Sponsor The All-State Weaverville Pickleball Tournament

American car manufacturers’ top 5 WNC-inspired models • Nissan Leaf Peeper

CONTINUED

The most unexpected things to happen in Asheville in 2026 • We find out who Dadbod is • The City of Asheville’s “What’s Up AVL!” podcast surpasses “The Joe Rogan Experience” on the podcast charts.

• Buick Orange Peel Encore • Chevrolet Patton Ave Blazer • Mitsubishi Blue Ridge Mirage • Chevrolet Arden Suburban Nightmare

Ways to embrace the one big beautiful occupation Editor’s note: This satirical story is 100% fake news.

It is part of Xpress’ annual Humor Issue.

Xpress’ top priorities for 2026 • Find out whoever it is that keeps messing with our boxes and kindly ask them to stop • Maintain peace between the warring factions of buskers and unhoused folk on Wall Street • Have staff write more fake letters to the editor • Save up for a “new” coffee machine from Goodwill • Replace the lightbulb in the bathroom with a disco ball

You have the privilege to obey

• Kim Roney and Esther Manheimer decide to co-mayor the city.

• Every home in Asheville subscribes to Xpress home delivery service. (A paper can dream, can’t it?)

• We all get along, live prosperous, meaningful lives and embrace our similarities while accepting our differences X

NOT COMING TO A THEATER NEAR YOU

by Brent Brown

Hi there, it’s your old pal, Eric Brown.

You might remember me from Xpress’ humor column, “Best Medicine,” where I have famously never said anything negative or critical about the current administration.

With ICE spreading out across our great nation, I thought now might be an ideal time to offer some helpful tips to local residents about how to not just survive but thrive during this one big beautiful occupation.

Let’s get started!

Occupation is a state of mind. I get it. On the surface, this all looks kinda crummy. If you saw any other country with their own troops marching around their cities in masks and rounding people up, you’d think, “Gee, somebody ought to do something!”

The good news is, this is America! We would never arm and deploy barely trained folks to disappear people based on the color of their skin or the language that they speak. No, no, no!

Far from it. It’s not a fascist occupation. If you get abducted, try and think of it as a fascinating vacation.

Patriots don’t protest. I get it, it’s fun to march around downtown on the weekend and stand on the bridge to Montford with signs. But patriots don’t protest. I mean, when has a protest ever even worked in America besides the Boston Tea Party, the labor protests after the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory fire, the women’s suffrage movement, the Civil Rights Movement, the March on Washington for Jobs and Freedom or the Stonewall Uprising? But all of those things were like a million years ago.

Remember that everything the media says is a lie. In the internet age, misinformation is everywhere. Be careful to only take in the truth. Social media and most news outlets are lying to you. You might hear rumors that there are troops in Charlotte or crazy

MOUNTAINX.COM

IT COULD BE WORSE: Of course, that’s suggesting things are bad. But things are not bad. Things are totally normal. In fact, everything is awesome. Photo of Eric Brown courtesy of Brown; the rest is from a robot reports that they’re rounding up folks in Hickory and Boone and they’re headed here next. They are! What was my point here? … Right, the truth!

I would never lie to you, and neither would the president. Even when he says things that are lies, it’s only because he works so hard that he gets mixed up sometimes, so don’t even worry about it.

Don’t even worry about it! Come on now, show me that smile! This is Asheville. Nothing bad ever happens here. We’re just a quaint little mountain town, and everything is good and fine. Sure, a decent portion of the region is still broken and devastated from Tropical Storm Helene, but I’m sure once the government is done getting all the bad people out of our neighborhoods, they’ll give us all that money they promised us for recovery, and we can rebuild! I mean, they promised us they would, and when has the government ever gone back on a promise? Just ask the Cherokee.

— Eric Brown X

DEC. 31, 2025 - JAN 6, 2026

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H U M O R I S S U E - 100% F A K E N E W S NEWS

The Great (Hemp) Depression

In the face of an uncertain future, residents turn to delta-8 while they still can

BY CAYLA CLARK

that make strolling downtown feel like walking through a quirky surrealist painting, some fear they may choose destinations with more predictable regulations. Or, even worse, destinations with more reliable parking.

caylaclark73@gmail.com Editor’s note: This satirical story is 100% fake news.

It is part of Xpress’ annual Humor Issue.

At a small dispensary on Haywood Road, the kind that smells like a cross between stale incense and oversteeped chamomile, the owner, 32-year-old Nebula Parrish, stares blankly at the shelves of hemp-derived edibles that may soon become illegal. His expression is somewhere between shock and quiet panic.

“If this goes through, I’ll have to pivot.

Again,” Parrish says, with a hollow laugh, gesturing helplessly at a display of vibrantly colored gummies with names like Blue Ridge Bliss and Mellow Mountain Mama. “I started as a CBD honey farmer. Then I became a licensed delta-8 beverage artisan. I can’t go back to regular beverages. People in Asheville don’t hydrate unless it alters their consciousness a little.”

Across the city, a similar anxiety has settled like a late-morning fog. A six-page provision in the proposed farm bill, tucked between a rollback of food safety regulations and a multimillion-dollar boost for catfish processors, would criminalize many hemp-derived and all intoxicating hemp products. In many cities, this would be a footnote. In Asheville, where there is approximately one hemp storefront for every three residents, it reads more like a notice of impending economic collapse.

For years, delta-8 products, from edibles and vapes to seltzers, tinctures and a**-tasting “hemp cocktails,” have quietly underpinned the city’s quirky, tourist-friendly, vaguely enchanted local economy. The products are legal by way of a loophole, derived from hemp rather than cannabis, and have filled shelves everywhere from corner stores to breweries to a florist that sells hemp-infused rose water “for heart-opening mornings.”

If the provision becomes law, that ecosystem could vanish in an instant.

“It’s hard to overstate how big a deal this is,” says Dr. Dasmay Ganja, an economist at Western Carolina University who specializes in regional market shifts and, until this week, had never been invited to comment on hemp. “When you have a city where these products contribute meaningfully to small-business revenue, 8

DEC. 31, 2025 - JAN 6, 2026

LEADERS CONSIDER THEIR OPTIONS

LET THE PANIC BEGIN: In Asheville, where there is approximately one hemp storefront for every three residents, the upcoming federal ban on intoxicating hemp products reads like a notice of impending economic collapse. Photo created by some robot in collaboration with Xpress designers employment and tourism spending, removing them overnight is not trivial.

It’s equivalent to New Orleans losing beignets. It could be an absolute disaster.”

Asked how Asheville might respond, she pauses. “Well,” she says, “I imagine there will be big feelings.”

A DELICATE HEMP SCAFFOLD At The Hemp Nest, a dispensary littered with macramé plant hangers and an ambient playlist of flutes that seem to have no beginning or end, a small crowd has formed around the register. Some have come to stockpile, others to seek information; one man has wandered in because he thought it was the organic juice bar next door.

The atmosphere is tense.

“This is my entire business model,” says Grass Bridgerton, who owns both the dispensary and an online shop that ships hemp-infused butt balm.

“I employ 11 nonbinary art students.

Eleven. If the bill passes, I’m not sure what we will become. A coffee shop?

There are too many coffee shops!”

“I’d work at a coffee shop,” interjects one of the art students.

At Bridgerton’s elbow, an older woman named Carol chimes in. “My dog takes CBD treats for anxiety,” she says.

“What are they expecting, that he just rawdog his emotions? He’s 13. He’d die.”

MOUNTAINX.COM

POSSIBLE IDENTITY CRISIS On a rainy afternoon at the Asheville Convention and Visitors Bureau, employees huddle around a conference table, reviewing potential talking points for the summer tourism season.

“We have breweries,” one staffer offers.

“Yes,” another replies. “But all the breweries serve CBD flights.”

Silence.

“What about the views?” someone suggests.

“People can get views in literally any Western North Carolina town,” the director says, sounding defeated. “We need an angle. We need a hook.”

A strategist flips through a thick binder. “What if we promote the waterfalls?” she says. “It’s hard to ban water. Not impossible, but hard.”

Someone else scribbles on a whiteboard in large, hopeful letters: “The Waterfall Capital of the Southeast?”

Underneath, in smaller handwriting: “No hemp required.”

The group sits in contemplation for a brief moment. One of them eventually erases the tagline, replacing it with: “Come rawdog our water.”

But privately, several staffers admit concern. A significant portion of Asheville’s tourism appeal lies in its reputation as a haven for relaxed, spiritually exploratory, gently buzzed visitors. If tourists lose the legal delta-8 products

City leaders have been cautious in their public statements, though privately, several officials expressed doubts about their ability to fill the economic hole left behind.

One member of City Council, who asked not to be named for fear of backlash from both pro-hemp activists and anti-hemp activists (who are often the same people separated only by moon phase), said the city has begun discussing emergency pivots.

“We’re looking at every possibility,” they say. “Mushroom tourism, heritage chicken festivals, an expansion of the city’s artisanal vinegar scene. We’ve even discussed allowing the airport to sell alcoholic eggnog year-round to attract a new demographic. Eternal Christmas in Asheville. Nothing is off the table.”

Asked whether the city might try to encourage residents to return to more traditional industries, the Council member shakes their head. “We simply do not have the infrastructure for that. Or the parking. Our parking is … well, it’s the stuff of nightmares.”

UNDERGROUND SOLUTIONS If delta-8 products disappear from the legal marketplace, many expect they will simply migrate underground, a development some residents say is already underway.

A bartender at an upscale restaurant downtown, speaking on the condition of anonymity, says he has already been approached by people asking if the bar will begin offering “bathtub gummies” the same way some restaurants offer off-menu entrees.

“We don’t even have a dessert menu,” he tells Xpress. “Our menu is literally two appetizers. But they keep asking.”

And at the edge of Biltmore Village, rumors have begun circulating about a private lounge allegedly located inside the Biltmore Estate itself. Guests whisper about a bookshelf that opens into an emptied, candlelit pool stocked with edibles and prerolls. The Biltmore has

CONTINUED

denied all allegations, though a spokesperson’s statement was strangely specific: “The Estate does not permit any intoxicating hemp consumption within guest-accessible areas.”

Still, whispers persist of twilight gatherings on the estate grounds, parties where soft jazz drifts through the air, the fountains glow and someone swears they saw a man in a linen suit tossing a delta-8 gummy across the room with the same wistful precision Gatsby once reserved for a green light. No one can confirm these events. But in Asheville, belief itself has a way of becoming infrastructure.

AN UNCERTAIN FUTURE As the farm bill’s language makes its way through committee, Asheville continues to operate in a state of cautious limbo. Dispensaries are busier than ever. Residents are anxious for possibly the first time. City officials are hopeful, or at least are pretending convincingly enough to be.

When asked what they will do if the bill passes, a barista named Horse, taking a cigarette break outside a café adorned with murals of heritage tattoos, sighs.

“I’ll probably just keep on living,” they say. “But it might feel different. Sharper.

Like the world has more edges. And the edges bite.”

Nearby, a white man with dreadlocks wearing hiking sandals nods solemnly. “We’ll adapt,” he says. “We always adapt. We adapted from tobacco to art.

From art to beer. From beer to hemp.

We’ll find something next. Maybe eternal Christmas.”

He pauses.

“I just really hope it’s not preserves.

I can’t build my identity around preserves. I just can’t. I’ve tried.”

For now, Asheville waits, hopeful, anxious and very aware that its reputation as a haven for gentle, hemp-assisted tranquility may soon be tested.

The city has endured economic shifts before, but few that threaten so directly to disrupt its collective vibe.

“We’ll figure it out,” says Parrish, the dispensary owner, as he restocks gummies with the weary precision of a man arranging his own future. “Asheville always survives.”

He hesitates, lowering his voice, before he adds, “Although if this bill passes, I give the city … maybe six days tops.” X

NOT COMING TO A THEATER NEAR YOU

by Brent Brown

UNCA woods removal Green day protesters unite over ‘trees’ Editor’s note: This satirical story is 100% fake news.

It is part of Xpress’ annual Humor Issue.

Opposition to UNC Asheville’s plan to destroy 45 acres of urban forest has resulted in its strongest alliance yet, and it’s all thanks to a familiar agricultural product.

In a not-at-all-shocking turn of events, marijuana has once again brought people together in chill and meaningful ways. But it’s the intergenerational bonding that will have you reaching for a box of tissues and calling the ghost of Barbara Walters.

INTERGENERATIONAL WEED: Two residents, 19-year-old Priscilla “Cilla” Pike and 72-year-old Adele GREEN THUMBS UNITE Chalamet recently discovered they Our tale begins in late July, when were both growing weed in UNC 28 marijuana plants were discovered Asheville’s 45-acre urban forest. growing in a section of the university’s Photo created by a machine that Millennium Campus. Whether a legit find, will one day rule us all!

an elaborate hit job by UNCA to justify the forest clearing “to cut down on crime” or poor planning by the Hanger Hall School faculty, no one knows.

However, the news struck a nerve with 19-year-old Priscilla “Cilla” Pike and 72-year-old Adele Chalamet, both of whom had similar crops growing — “Flourishing,” Pike says, “Be sure to say ‘flourishing’” — in the general vicinity.

On reconnaissance/rescue missions to check on their investments, the two women crossed paths and, after what Chalamet, a retired podiatrist, calls “not exactly convincing cover stories,” realized they were there for a common cause. The new friends then burned one down and complimented each other on their green thumbs.

“She’s taught me a lot about composting — and that this whole deforestation thing was happening,” says Pike, who’s in the second installment of a Gap Year. “I gave her some tips on making sure drones don’t see what you’re doing; things like that.”

Though the pair quickly found out that they didn’t share many other interests — “She said I was ‘brat,’” Chalamet recalls. “I didn’t like that” — their unified commitment to preservation has resulted in Pike recruiting her fellow Generation Alpha friends. Together with Chalamet’s Boomer crew, they call themselves The Loraxes and have been active in the larger Save UNC Woods group’s protests.

“We made a human chain out of bedsheets. Bedsheets!” says Pike, who didn’t know the items would be spray-painted with environmental slogans. “I had to go buy some new ones after, but it was dope. Totally worth it.”

KEEPING IT REAL In a thinly veiled effort to distract the Asheville community from the bad vibes of the all but guaranteed woods removal, UNCA will unveil a new mascot at its spring semester convocation on Monday, Jan. 12: the Lower-Middle Class Professional.

“UNCA has always stressed honesty as the best policy, and it’s high time we admit that it’s not going to be easy out in ‘the real world,’” says university Chancellor Kimberly van Noort in a press release.

“You’re not going to own a house. Your vehicle, if you’re fortunate enough to have one, will constantly be on the brink of breaking down. Nutritional food will be a luxury. And may your preferred higher power be with you should a medical emergency arise. The so-called ‘American Dream’ is dead. Welcome to the grind.”

The UNCA Lower-Middle Class Professional will be represented at sporting events and in promotional materials by Giggy, the overstressed and underpaid gig economy worker. Its design includes pit stains, a bad back and eyes on the verge of tears.

Not to be forgotten, UNCA’s current mascot, Rocky the Bulldog, will be launched into the atmosphere, “human cannonball”-style, from a vintage circus cylinder. This official sendoff takes place in the small quad following the convocation.

— Edwin Arnaudin X

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Demanding a recount Asheville singles respond to national ranking with measured outrage and supercute handmade signs

BY CAYLA CLARK caylaclark73@gmail.com Editor’s note: This satirical story is 100% fake news.

It is part of Xpress’ annual Humor Issue.

When Zumper, the rental platform better known for its constellation of dubious price estimates than its aptitude for sociological insight, released this year’s “Top Cities for Singles” list in October, few expected Asheville to occupy one of the top slots. The eighthplace ranking seemed, at best, an algorithmic accident. Maybe a hungover intern had clicked something twice or misinterpreted a data column titled “breweries per capita” as “emotionally available men per capita.” It happens.

And yet, there Asheville sat, prompting a wave of panic, disbelief and, ultimately, protest from the very demographic the list sought to praise. Within hours, residents took to Instagram stories, group chats and eventually the streets, staging what one organizer called “a humanitarian demonstration,” though another more accurately described it as “a group walk for people who love organizing group walks.”

The protest began quietly in Pack Square, where a small cluster of singles gathered with cutesy handmade signs reading “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and “NAME ONE MAN.” Before long, the square filled with individuals ranging from disillusioned Hinge users to newly divorced transplants who had been told

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WHERE’S THE LOVE: The city’s eighth-place ranking in an October Zumper list seems, at best, an algorithmic accident. Many local singles aren’t feeling the love. Photos by Thomas Calder by friends that Asheville was a “really good city for dating,” a phrase they were now discovering carried about as much statistical weight as “50/50.”

One demonstrator, who identified herself only as Lauren S., explained her presence succinctly. “I simply want this Zumper guy to point to a single viable partner within a 10-mile radius,” she said, gesturing vaguely toward the majestic horizon. “I don’t think that’s

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particularly electrifying evenings, concerts at The Orange Peel that stretch daringly past 10:30 p.m. Yet these nocturnal offerings tend to draw, protesters insist, a strikingly specific subset of the city’s single population: men with names like River, who hover at the intersection of amateur mysticism and informal pharmacology, eager to sell you ketamine before attempting, with varying levels of subtlety, to sleep with you. Once.

Population metrics, too, offer little clarity. While the census insists Asheville contains more than 90,000 residents, local lore holds that only about 12 of them are single, straight men between the ages of 28 and 45, and 10 of those are currently “focusing on themselves.” The remaining two are rumored to live somewhere in Woodfin but have not been directly observed since 2019.

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a crazy ask. If this is a top city for singles, surely there must be an example somewhere.”

The crowd of mostly female-identifying folks nodded solemnly. No example materialized.

THE RANKING HEARD ROUND THE SOUTH According to Zumper, “Asheville, North Carolina, stands out as a cultural hotspot. The city ranked No. 1 in the nation for both restaurants and entertainment per capita, while also landing the No. 2 spot for nightlife per capita.

With median rent at $1,420, Asheville is a vibrant option for singles who prioritize social life and experiences.”

What this means, precisely, remains unknown. Rental affordability, for instance, has not been witnessed in Asheville since the late 1980s, and even then, it was more of a rumor than a measurable phenomenon.

As for securing the No. 2 spot for “nightlife per capita,” Asheville certainly possesses what could, in generous terms, be described as a formidable roster: The Odd, The One Stop and, on

The protesters’ skepticism is not unfounded. Asheville’s dating pool is technically a pool only in the sense that puddles are technically bodies of water.

One can, in extreme drought, see the bottom. A typical heterosexual woman’s experience in Asheville resembles a form of civic speed dating in which she circulates among a limited set of familiar faces: a polyamorous guitarist, a man who makes his own bitters out of grass, a landlord-turned-ceramist with a God complex, a man living in a Sprinter van with a composting toilet, and at least three men named Caleb who speak a little too fondly of their mothers.

Meanwhile, queer Asheville — robust, creative, well-networked — maintains a dating ecosystem so interconnected that one is advised to build a family tree before embarking on a third date, if only to map out the cross-branch entanglements.

Zumper’s ranking made no mention of these conditions, leaving locals to speculate on its underlying methodology. One theory suggests the company used the number of local IPAs as a proxy for emotional availability.

Another suggests the ranking was compiled by scraping Instagram for the frequency of the words “open-hearted,” “aligned” or “ready for a new chapter.” A third theory, quietly circulating among the demonstrators, posits that Zumper’s algorithm simply confused “Asheville” with “Anchorage,” a city that possesses both a higher percentage of single men and a lower likelihood of running into one’s ex in the fair trade tea section of Earth Fare.

CONTINUED

TESTIMONIES FROM THE FIELD During the afternoon protest, several attendees offered statements to reporters. One participant, a soft-spoken man named Aaron, confessed that he had attended hoping to meet someone. “It seemed like this would be a large gathering of hot bitches,” he said earnestly.

“But most people here are just yelling at a rental website.”

Others were less optimistic. A woman in her mid-30s, who asked not to be named for fear of “running into someone she used to hook up with,” described Asheville’s dating scene as “a multilevel marketing scheme in which no one is officially selling anything.” Except ketamine, as previously established.

Another demonstrator, clutching a sign that read “THIS IS NOT A TOP CITY IT IS A CIRCLE,” noted that every person she has dated in Asheville has dated one another, often sequentially, and occasionally concurrently.

One man, who had come in solidarity, offered perhaps the day’s most poignant observation. “I’m here because

my therapist said I needed to participate in community events,” he said.

“She did not specify which ones. I’ve made a horrible mistake.”

THE RANKINGS ASHEVILLE MIGHT ACTUALLY DESERVE If Asheville is not, as the protesters argue, an optimal environment for single people, it is undeniably a city that excels in other domains. A short list of alternative rankings where Asheville would almost certainly place in the top five includes: 1. Cities where you are most likely to accidentally join a polycule. A simple trip to a housewarming party in West Asheville has been known to result in three new partners, one shared Google calendar and a group chat titled “Our Journey.”

2. Top places to get dumped publicly. With more breweries per capita than most industrialized nations, Asheville provides ample scenic locations for a breakup, typically

NOT COMING TO A THEATER NEAR YOU

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accompanied by a saison and the soft thrum of a banjo.

3. Cities with highest number of people who say they are “not dating right now” while actively dating several people. An Asheville classic.

4. Cities with the most men who describe their last relationship as “complicated” and their most recent ex as “crazy.” Statisticians believe these men may, in fact, still be in those relationships.

As twilight settled over Pack Square and the protest began to dissipate, participants exchanged weary but hopeful glances. They had accomplished little in the traditional sense of accomplishment.

Whether Zumper will revise its methodology remains to be seen. For now, Asheville’s singles return to their routines: their first-date hikes, their second dates that are therapy disclosures/ trauma dumping, their third dates that dissolve into ambiguity. In a city where everyone is working on themselves, Asheville may not be a top place to find love, but it is, undeniably, a top place to commiserate about not finding it. X

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CONTINUED

NEWS

War of words (and birds) A survivor’s account of the Woodfin uprising

BY ERIC BROWN ericjbrown3000@gmail.com Editor’s note: This satirical story is 100% fake news.

It is part of Xpress’ annual Humor Issue.

It was a cold November day when Xpress published its cover story, “Where in the World Is the Town of Woodfin?”

To say the backlash was immediate and palpable would be an understatement. The tension, the fear, the sense of impending violence — it hung heavy in the air. And the rage and vengeance that followed, I will not soon forget.

I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT Admittedly, I was not around the office when this story was pitched. (Nor did I write the controversial piece!)

In fact, I have never been to the office. I am a journalist in the field (i.e., a part-time freelance contributor), and as such, I submit my pieces from the field.

Typically, I attach my finished work to the leg of Hawk-O, a hawk I know that flies my copy through the window and drops it on my editor’s desk.

From what I understand, Hawk-O can easily get into the office but can’t figure out how to get out. They’ve asked me to stop using Hawk-O and to start emailing my stuff instead.

But I digress.

If I had been there during the story’s pitch, perhaps I could have talked them out of running the Woodfin piece. Once I saw it on the front page, I knew it was going to ruffle some feathers. It had already ruffled Hawk-O’s feathers.

He brought the issue with him on his way back from the office, and apparently, one of his wings got caught in someone’s hair on the way out. It was a whole thing, I’m told.

But I digress.

What I could not have predicted about the piece was the horror that would follow.

THE RISE OF EMPRESS WOODFIN It started with letters to the editor, then angry emails. Tens upon tens of angry emails. The people of Woodfin were not happy with Xpress.

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BACKLASH: The town of Woodfin was less than pleased by a recent Xpress cover. Things only got worse once a hawk got involved. Photo by Thomas Calder with some additional help from our AI overlord and in-house designers With trouble brewing, I was tasked with being the man on the ground. (An assignment that struck me as odd, in that, again, I had nothing to do with the original reporting. But I digress.) They asked me to embed myself in Woodfin proper and get to the bottom of it.

On Nov. 11, the nightmare began. I cannot reveal how I ended up at that secret meeting at Zillicoah Beer Co., but I was there on the night the Woodfin Area Residents Coalition of Wrath (WARCOW) was formed. People were hurt and angry that Asheville seemed so dismissive of the sovereign borders of Woodfin, ignorant of where Woodfin was located and what its people were like.

With this injustice in their hearts, residents gathered to vent their frustrations.

Agitated voices were raised. It became clear that this would not stand, that something must be done.

Amid this growing rage, one man stood up and said, “Hey, I read that thing, and I think it was all just a joke.”

The crowd descended on him mercilessly, and he was unceremoniously thrown into the river. A mighty cheer rose from the crowd as the interloper doggy-paddled back to the shore. (It was a bit awkward when he climbed out and had to walk through the crowd to MOUNTAINX.COM

get back to his car.) One voice rang out as he drove away. “Why don’t you go to Asheville if you love it so much?”

A leader had emerged.

For my safety and the safety of others, I will not disclose this person’s name. I will simply call her Empress Woodfin. On the surface, she was your average citizen, but she had an undeniable magnetism to her. I watched in horror as she enthralled these people. She screamed about injustice, raged against the elitism of Asheville and issued a single command: revolution.

WARCOW was born.

THE STORMING OF DOWNTOWN ASHEVILLE I am not proud of my part in this story, but I was compelled by my love of journalism to ride with WARCOW as the group stormed downtown Asheville.

Also, I had seen what they did to the only dissenter of the night, and I did not want to be thrown in the river. (The evening was cold, and I was wearing my favorite jacket and didn’t want to get it wet.)

Somehow, I ended up in Empress Woodfin’s Honda Fit, riding in the back seat with a Woodfin citizen who frothed with rage. Not even the soothing sounds of Bruce Hornsby on 97.7 The Brew

could soothe them. The fright I felt for myself was outweighed only by the fear I had for the people of Asheville, although the Bruce Hornsby song was helping. I kept saying to myself as we drew closer, “That’s just the way it is, some things’ll never change.”

The song ended as we pulled up to City Hall. Zillicoah is fairly close to downtown, after all. (To me, it actually feels like the brewery is part of Asheville rather than Woodfin, but I digress.)

The vanguard of WARCOW cars pulled up in the empty parking lot (it was late), and tens of Woodfin warriors filled the sidewalk. Empress Woodfin pulled a megaphone from her car, and I wondered if she did this sort of thing a lot, considering she had it with her. “ASHEVILLE, HEAR ME! WE ARE THE VOICE OF WOODFIN, AND WE WILL NOT BE DENIED! WHAT SAY YOU?” As her words echoed through the streets, the silence that followed seemed to last an eternity. Then, the unthinkable happened. The door to City Hall creaked open, and a tiny head popped out.

“What?” the person said.

The Empress smiled. She knew she had the powers of Asheville on their heels.

“I SAY AGAIN: WE ARE WOODFIN, AND WE WILL NOT BE DENIED!” A pause, and then the person spoke.

“OK?” Silence, and then a single tear rolled down Empress Woodfin’s cheek.

“Brothers, Sisters,” she said. “We have done it. We have won! Asheville has finally recognized Woodfin. The war is over!”

Then all hell broke loose.

PEACE NO MORE Hawk-O suddenly flew back to me. I had sent him to the office to let my editor know what was going on at Zillicoah, and he returned with their reply. I never got to read it. I don’t know if Hawk-O was lost, or if there was something in Empress Woodfin’s hair that hawks particularly like. Regardless, he dove at her head and got caught in her hair.

“WOODFINITES, WE’RE UNDER ATTACK! RETREAT!” she screamed.

Her words sent the crowd of 12-15 Woodfin residents into a panic, and they all fled to their cars.

Though WARCOW disbanded that night, I fear its return. A fragile peace had been won but quickly broken (through no fault of my own). How I wish Hawk-O had been in the office for just a minute more.

Of course, this story never made it into any of the news outlets until now. It took place on a night when it snowed, so that occupied most of the media’s attention.

But for me, that was the evening the angry leviathan that is Woodfin arose. For all of our sakes, I pray it never wakes again. X

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SPORTS

Hey batter, batter — SWING Asheville pitches MLB on expansion team

BY EDWIN ARNAUDIN earnaudin@mountainx.com Editor’s note: This satirical story is 100% fake news.

It is part of Xpress’ annual Humor Issue.

As Major League Baseball (MLB) contemplates expanding its number of teams from 30 to 32 in the next few years, such Southeastern cities as Nashville, Charlotte and Raleigh/Durham are building cases for being franchise-worthy. But, in the words of Yoda croaking out one final nugget of wisdom on his deathbed, “There … is … another.”

Similar to the MLB Raleigh grassroots movement, a group of motivated citizens — including Asheville natives and former MLB players Darren Holmes and Cameron Maybin — has launched “Why Not Asheville?” in hopes of rallying the community around baseball and ultimately recruiting investors to make the bid more appealing.

WHY NOT, INDEED? The question posed by the organization’s name is a fair one and sure to inspire all sorts of responses. And yet group members have already noted the problematic status of the phrase’s natural pronunciation emphasis on “not.”

“I often hear from people, ‘Well, I think you just answered your own question’ — things like that,” Maybin says. “We’re working on education, stressing the ‘why’ or even ‘Asheville.’

You know, ‘Why not ASHEVILLE?’ No, wait, that makes me sound crazy.”

In actually answering his own question, the former first-round pick cites water quality, natural beauty, major highway convergence and a “thirsty” market — many of the same factors that attracted New Belgium Brewing Co. and Sierra Nevada Brewing Co. to the Asheville area over a decade ago. Also high on the list is the city’s 128 years of sustained professional baseball, which continues today with the Asheville Tourists, and the current “insulting” geographic distance between Asheville and the closest MLB team, which has led to what he calls “a comedy of erroneous assumptions.”

“It’s absolutely insane that we’re expected to cheer for the Braves,”

PLAY BALL: Led by former professional players, “Why not Asheville?” seeks to bring a big-league team to Buncombe County. Image created by Alvin “AI” Interloper, in collaboration with Xpress designers Maybin says. “North Carolinians have nothing in common with the people of Georgia. It’s like asking someone in Maine or New Hampshire to root for the Red Sox. Not on my watch.”

As for the competition, Holmes calls Charlotte “greedy” since they already have the Carolina Panthers of the National Football League and the Major League Soccer squad Charlotte Football Club. And as for Raleigh/Durham, he referred to them as “delusional,” considering they’re home to the National Hockey League’s Carolina Hurricanes, the ever-popular Tampa Bay Rays Triple-A affiliate Durham Bulls and such college sports powerhouses as N.C. State University and “some other schools that have blue and white color schemes.”

“They probably think [Seattle Mariners All-Star catcher] Cal Raleigh will feel obligated to play for them,” he says. “He’s from Cullowhee, dumb*ss. He’s going to feel pressured to play here. Do your homework.”

and Asheville Altitude basketball squad, Holmes says, “That’s not baseball,” then pulls up a YouTube video of the infamous eight-minute, bench-clearing 2001 brawl between the Smoke and the Knoxville Speed, which he and this reporter watch two additional times.

Possible stadium sites include the Biltmore Estate, Asheville Regional Airport and what Maybin refers to as “a supersized version of McCormick Field” that honors the historical ball-

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park “while also making it a hell of a lot bigger.”

However, at least one local resident isn’t waiting on official channels to get the ball of base rolling. Taking the If-you-build-ithe-will-come approach from Field of Dreams, Walter Doubleday has started constructing a stadium on his farmland in Leicester. According to the former high school third baseman, the 40,000-capacity venue “combines the best parts of Fenway Park, [Oriole Park at] Camden Yards and whatever dot-com company has its name on the San Francisco Giants’ stadium.”

“We’re taking a ‘wait-and-see’ approach with that one,” Maybin says.

The spirit of baseball great Babe Ruth — who famously “died” in Asheville in April 1925 after collapsing at the train station prior to an all-star exhibition game at McCormick Field that the very much alive chickensh*t then skipped — was summoned via Montford medium Madame Olenska for this article. The Great Bambino wholly endorsed the idea of an MLB team in the mountains.

“It’s a terrific place to convalesce — and the dames ain’t too bad, neither,” Ruth says. “Now, how much did you say I’d get paid for this?”

Individuals interested in joining “Why Not Asheville?” are invited to attend an informational session at Doubleday Farm on Saturday, Jan. 17, at noon. Please bring bricks and a trowel. Complimentary water and graham crackers will be provided. X

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Radical nonchalance Is this Asheville’s hottest new trend?

BY CAYLA CLARK

A REBELLION AGAINST EFFORT

caylaclark73@gmail.com Editor’s note: This satirical story is 100% fake news.

It is part of Xpress’ annual Humor Issue.

For years, intentionally ripped denim and faded flannels dominated Asheville’s fashion landscape, symbolizing a curated carelessness. The sloppy-chic aesthetic whispered, “I’m effortlessly undone, but in a way that cost my dad $118.”

But as with all trends that linger too long, the pendulum has swung. The city’s tastemakers have declared that distressed denim is passé, predictable and frankly, “something only Charlotte bankers still think is edgy.”

The new frontier? Literal sh*t stains.

Not metaphorical ones.

Not locally screen-printed ones.

Not artfully hand-airbrushed replicas.

Actual sh*t stains.

A MASTERCLASS IN NOT CARING AT ALL Designers describe the trend as “radical nonchalance,” a natural evolution from fashion’s long-standing flirtation with decay. Where ripped jeans once conveyed a rehearsed recklessness, stains convey something far more aspirational … the complete and total abandonment of trying.

In an era when authenticity has become a commodity, Asheville cre-

I WOKE UP LIKE THIS: Designers describe the trend as “radical nonchalance,” a natural evolution from fashion’s long-standing flirtation with decay.

Image created by an invisible robot in collaboration with Xpress designers atives argue that genuine filth is the last unmonetized frontier.

“Anyone can buy predistressed denim,” says Juniperberry Wolfheart, a local stylist with a coveted 2-by-2foot space at the recently reopened Marquee. “But stains require lived experience. They’re narrative. They’re honest. They’re like wabi-sabi, but for people who think you can compost avocado pits. You can’t. They’re basically plastic.”

FROM RUNWAY TO RIVER ARTS DISTRICT Early adopters can already be spotted along Riverside Drive wearing

relaxed-fit jeans embellished with what designers are calling “organic patina.”

The effect is distinctly avant-garde, equal parts Appalachian grunge and tantruming toddler at day care.

A typical outfit might feature: • A Goodwill bin-thrifted waffle-knit shirt with a faint coffee ring and obvious pit stains • Jeans with a dubious smear that suggests both moral and literal ambiguity • An upcycled tote bag emblazoned with the phrase “My Shadow Work Is None of Your Business” The overall impression is one of profound artistic disinterest; an aesthetic that announces, “I didn’t get dressed for anyone, I simply continued my existence.”

SUSTAINABILITY, OR SOMETHING LIKE IT Trend forecasters insist this is not merely shock chic. It is, allegedly, part of a broader cultural push toward sustainability. Why launder jeans when you can “preserve the garment’s history”?

Why buy new pants when your current pair has acquired “a rich, textural biography”?

Local boutiques are already adapting. One West Asheville shop owner, Chinchilla (no last name, by choice), revealed plans for a pop-up called “Blues Jeans,” featuring pants worn continu-

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ously for a month by BattleCat baristas undergoing heartbreak and exclusively eating uncooked Top Ramen.

“We believe in circular fashion,” Chinchilla said, weeping. “In the sense that stains form a circle of experience that cannot be replicated.”

MOUNTAINX.COM

The appeal of the trend is also psychological. After years of pandemic-era athleisure, curated maximalism and performative self-care, Asheville residents appear to be gravitating toward a deeper aesthetic fatigue. Students, artists and mid-30s freelancers alike describe the look as “liberating,” “sincere” and “the closest thing to a personality I’ve had since 2019.”

Distressing jeans required scissors, intention and (perhaps worst of all) an afternoon of physically trying. Stains demand nothing but surrender and a high tolerance for odor.

This, local psychologists say, reflects “a growing desire to opt out of the tyranny of effort,” a sentiment that has found fashion expression in garments that look as if they have survived both 40 years underground and a disappointing situationship.

NOT WITHOUT CONTROVERSY Not everyone is delighted by the rise of literal stains. Some Asheville residents argue that the trend is “an affront to hygiene,” “a potential public health hazard” or “something my ex would definitely wear.”

Others question the trend’s longevity.

“How do you wash them?” one bewildered mother asked.

“You don’t,” replied her daughter, with the quiet disdain of someone who owns an online tincture business.

THE VERDICT In a city that has long championed intentional imperfection (hand-thrown pottery, farm-to-table everything, upcycled furniture that still smells faintly of the goats residing in the barn it came from), Asheville’s embrace of literal sh*t stains feels almost inevitable.

Where ripped jeans once broadcast effortful dishevelment, stains represent a kind of transcendence; the renunciation of control entirely.

The trend may baffle outsiders, but in Asheville, where self-expression and self-neglect often masquerade as the same thing, it’s a natural evolution.

Fashion, after all, is cyclical.

Cleanliness, apparently, is not. X

CONTINUED WELLNESS

Dear Mama

An advice column on breast deflation and other issues associated with motherhood

BY CAYLA CLARK caylaclark73@gmail.com Editor’s note: This satirical story is 100% fake news.

It is part of Xpress’ annual Humor Issue.

Welcome to “Dear Mama,” a column penned by me, Sage Nelson, mother to an almost 5-month-old child and therefore a certified parenting expert. In less than half a year, I have survived contact naps, nipple betrayal, emotional and mental unraveling and the kind of sleep deprivation that qualifies as a hallucinogen.

In other words, I am now uniquely qualified to dispense wisdom, guidance and advice to other mothers staggering through the early months of parenthood. If you’re seeking nuanced child-development research or evidence-based data, this is not that. If you want honesty and the reassurance that none of us know what we’re doing but are doing it brilliantly anyway, you’ve come to the right place. You’re doing AMMMAAAZZZZIIINNNNGGG. Dear Mama, My baby refuses his Montessori blocks. He looks at them with disgust, knocks them over, then demands to chew on a paper towel roll instead. All the other babies at his pre-preschool stack with purpose and intention. Is my baby failing?

— Monte-sorry in Montford Dear Monte-sorry, Yes, your baby is failing.

Failing upward.

Refusing mass-produced Montessori blocks is the earliest indicator of a superior palate, the kind typically found in future avant-garde sculptors, Michelinstar chefs and prodigiously moody poets who live in log cabins and drink to excess. Stacking is for the pedestrian masses. Rejecting is for the elite.

Your child’s refusal indicates a contempt for conformity and a rejection of capitalist toy design.

He shows a budding awareness that true art begins in chaos. This is promising.

When he discards the blocks, he is saying, “This is beneath me.” When he chews the paper towel roll, he is saying, “I crave texture. I crave risk.” When he knocks everything over, he is saying, “I am not here to perform for strangers in linen.”

Yes, your baby is behind on stacking.

But he is miles ahead on vibes, which is ultimately what carries a person through life.

Dear Mama, Ever since I stopped breastfeeding, my breasts have deflated into what can only be described as two wet tube socks filled with sand that now rest comfortably inside the waistband of my jeans. (They are not high-rise, either.) My husband says he doesn’t notice, but he also didn’t notice when I cut 7 inches off my hair, so clearly he’s unwell. Are my tuckable breasts normal?

— Folded in Fletcher Dear Folded, Congratulations!

You have achieved postpartum French chic, the pinnacle of European sensuality. In France, women with tuckable breasts are revered as the hottest of the haute. While American culture worships “perky” (yawn), the French prefer “collapsible with narrative integrity.” Yours are not simply breasts; in fact, they are no longer breasts at all. They are heirlooms, storied relics that have fed a human child and now gently nestle into your Levi’s like two exhausted, hollowed-out croissants.

Wear them proudly. Toss one over your shoulder like a continental soldier if needed. You are not broken, you are Parisian-coded. I’m jealous of you.

AMAZING ADVICE (AND IT’S FREE!): The insights on motherhood from “Dear Mama” will likely offend many. You’ve been warned. Photo by Ryan Gordon Dear Mama, My partner keeps asking when we’re going to “get frisky.” I’m five months postpartum, and my libido is still on sabbatical.

Between chronic sleep deprivation, scraping dried spit up from architectural crevices I didn’t know my home had and pooping with the door open while begging an infant not to smother himself with a decorative pillow, I cannot imagine ever having sex again.

What should I do?

— Dried Up in Waynesville Dear Dried Up, Your partner’s desire to “get frisky” is touching in the same way a golden retriever’s optimism is touching, albeit wildly out of sync with reality.

Postpartum life is not fertile ground for eroticism. It is a survival bunker furnished with poopy wet wipes and emotional exhaustion.

Right now, your body is in triage mode. Your nervous system is held together with lukewarm coffee and whatever ambient encouragement you MOUNTAINX.COM

gather from Instagram reels about milk production. It is not a mystery that your erotic inner flame is flickering like a damp birthday candle in a windstorm.

I suggest you try the following: Ask your partner to handle the bedtime routine while you stare at a wall in total silence like a Victorian ghost.

Once he returns to the bedroom, request foreplay that begins with him cleaning the kitchen thoroughly and ends with him sterilizing a sky-high pile of bottles. Remind him that nothing awakens maternal desire quite like not being touched or spoken to.

You’re not antisex. You’re simply pro-sleep, which is a completely different and far more urgent lifestyle.

Your libido will come home eventually, sun-kissed and sheepish, muttering something about needing time to “find itself.” Until then, intimacy can look like shared glances, mutual respect or doing hand stuff briefly before someone shouts, “HE’S EATING CAT HAIR!” You are not broken. You are not, in any way, abnormal. You are simply a mother who has spent five months living inside a psychological escape room with no breaks. X DEC. 31, 2025 - JAN 6, 2026

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H U M O R I S S U E - 100% F A K E N E W S ARTS & CULTURE BEER

Elevated underground brews The gang explores Asheville’s hippest subterranean brewery

BY CHRISTOPHER ARBOR yearinbeerasheville@gmail.com Editor’s note: This satirical story is 100% fake news.

It is part of Xpress’ annual Humor Issue.

On Jan. 1, Christopher Arbor and his friends ... blah, blah, blah … they go to breweries and tell us about it. Let’s get on with it already.

“I thought we were done with this,” Todd said as he continued to march morosely through knee-deep muck down the dimly lit tunnel.

“We were,” I said. And I was telling the truth. Our yearlong brewery crawl had come to a close, but as luck (or fate) would have it, I heard a rumor about Asheville’s newest and, I dare say, hippest brewery: Under Where?

Brü Consortium.

It didn’t have a website, a phone number or even a physical address, and it was only accessible via the city’s abandoned tunnel system.

“Apparently,” I said, “Zelda Fitzgerald used these tunnels during Prohibition to smuggle moonshine from the Biltmore House to the Grove Park Inn. Moreover, the Tourists’ mascot Mr. Moon was, in fact, named for —” “Shut it,” Wes barked at me. He’d recently participated in a six-day charity trail run to raise funds to rebuild Old Fort, and he was in no mood for a history lesson.

Here we were, crawling through detritus for the better part of an hour, and everyone else was starting to give

up hope. “This brings to mind Dante’s Inferno, and the sign that hung above the gate of hell —” I started to say.

“Hey,” Wes yelled at me, interrupting what was sure to be a stellar narrative aside into foundational literature.

“No time for nonsensical non sequiturs either. We need to find this place — if it even exists.”

We kept pushing forward, at one point emerging into what looked like a subway station, at another, a medieval prison. Burke looked as if he might say something, but Wes shot him another dirty look.

Then suddenly, we arrived inside what appeared to be a bomb shelter lit by candles and bioluminescent moss.

There was a bar built from reclaimed barbed-wire fencing. The bartender — whose name tag read “Cylince” — greeted me with all the warmth of an iceberg.

He gestured vaguely to a tap list written in a cipher that appeared to be equal parts hieroglyphics and emojis. Todd asked about the “I Heart Seated Man.” “It’s a triple-fermented NA gose,” Cylince said. “It’s made with Himalayan sea salt harvested during the autumn equinox, aged in aquariums that previously held both artisanal absinthe and hemp crayons, dry-hopped with fuggles that were sung to daily by a certified aromatherapist and finished with tears collected from a Brooklyn creative writing MFA program.”

“Does it taste good?”

He looked offended.

“It tastes important.”

Burke just stared at the menu.

“What the hell is ‘barrel-aged barrel’?”

Come to Cam’s place, because

Coffee

with friends tastes so much better!

@Camdenscoffeehouse • 40 N Main St, Mars Hill, NC 18

DEC. 31, 2025 - JAN 6, 2026

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YEAR

BEER IN

SEEING THE LIGHT: Illuminated only by candles and bioluminescent moss, Under Where? Brü Consortium is the first brewery to open inside Asheville’s network of subterranean tunnels. Photo courtesy of Christopher Arbor “I think that’s a question that answers itself,” Wes said.

Wes ended up ordering something called a “Cold-Brewed Hot Toddy.”

“And what would you have to like?” Cylince asked, turning to me. I couldn’t tell if he was being profound or had just stumbled on his words.

I panicked and pointed to the owl hieroglyphic with a skull emoji. Cylince nodded approvingly, though I noticed his name tag now simply displayed the ampersand symbol.

“Ah, the deconstructed IPA,” he said.

Moments later, he pulled from behind the bar a charcuterie board made from an old railroad tie. On it there were some hops flowers, raw barley, what I think may have been sourdough starter and a tiny glass of water.

“Enjoy,” he said, raising an eyebrow in a completely incomprehensible way.

We found a vintage ironing board that had been repurposed as a table and sat on/in milk crates that were anchored to the floor right-side up. I couldn’t help but think of a profound quote that definitely applies here: “Man, this is some pretentious nonsense,” — Me, just now.

The bartender arrived to tell us he’d changed his name to “TBD” and informed us that our time was up.

Apparently, each party gets exactly 4 1/2 minutes, “to preserve the ephemeral nature of the experience.”

We gladly departed, eager to return to the surface and our usual hangout.

Come join us.

And raise a glass to ridiculousness. X

CONTINUED ARTS & CULTURE ARTS ROUNDUP

Friends in need

Local artists release benefit album for three-legged pets

er Ms. Salinger may indeed be the British provocateur.

Xpress wishes all bidders luck in their pursuit of this local creation and suggests that maybe they invest in, I don’t know, ending world hunger instead.

Editor’s note: This satirical story is 100% fake news.

It is part of Xpress’ annual Humor Issue.

Is there an echo in here? (in here?)

You know ‘em, you love ‘em — and now you can listen to songs about ‘em while supporting a great cause.

On Friday, Jan. 9, Asheville Music Professionals will release Tripod Tunes, a benefit album for threelegged animals. All proceeds from sales will go to the Asheville-based nonprofit Aww So Cute, which provides veterinary care, rehabilitation services, foster care and adoption services for “pets who, for whatever reason — no judgment — just so happen to be missing an appendage.”

The 74-track collection features such originals as honky-tonk country group Hearts Gone South’s “Hop-along Hound,” Andrew Scotchie‘s psychedelic “Phantom Paw Syndrome (PPS)” and The Deathbots’ punk anthem “WTF Happened?” Also included is a reworking of Patti Page’s immortal pet store classic, renamed “(How Much Is That Amputee) Doggie In The Window,” and the all-star U.S.A for Africa reimagining, “We Are the Nub.” In addition, singer/songwriter/ guitarist/educator/all-around-goodguy Joe Hooten (Tin Roof Echo; Pinkeye) yet again worked his connections with R.E.M., resulting in their first new track in decades, “Everybody Limps.”

Drop of Sun Studios in West Asheville donated its space and engineering services, with co-founders Alex Farrar and Adam McDaniel also providing mixing and mastering services at no charge in exchange for the coveted/mysterious executive producer status.

Participating artists were encouraged to bring what Farrar calls “their well-behaved animals, however many legs they have” to the recording sessions. After much sniffing, barking and “other dog-park shenanigans,” as well as “very aggressive behavior by a couple of cats on leashes,” the pets achieved a truce, and the marathon two-week experience commenced.

A touching moment soon occurred, involving Eleanor Underhill‘s elder-

The closure of Echo Mountain Recording in late 2025 shocked the local music community. But as many local pundits and psychics predicted, a group of the studio’s former employees is banding together and taking their talents to South Beach.

But rather than do the logical thing and simply continue their successful formula in a new location, producer/engineer/clammer Julian Dreyer reveals that it’s “too painful to be reminded of those good times” and that he and his colleagues will, “by necessity,” go in a slightly different direction.

As such, Silent Molehill Recording is accepting bookings beginning Monday, Feb. 2. And instead of operating out of another former church, the business is housed in what was the Treasure Club, inside of which little has been altered.

“The stripper poles offer some pretty unusual acoustics,” says producer/engineer/soccer-dad Josh Blake. “King Gizzard [& the Lizard Wizard] heard about it and have expressed interest in cutting their next album here.”

The gifted team of music professionals hopes that the change of scenery will allow them to carry on and not distract them too much with ghosts of bachelor parties’ past.

HOWLING AT THE MOON: On Friday, Jan. 9, Asheville Music Professionals will release Tripod Tunes, a benefit album for three-legged animals. Image generated by sophisticated software that will rule us all one day ly dachshund, Louise, who gets around with the aid of a dog wheelchair. Though Louise is in possession of all four limbs, she was unanimously named an honorary Tripod by the parents of disabled creatures.

However, these philanthropic efforts were not without controversy. Late in the recording process, tensions erupted over the use of prosthetics, with certain artists demanding that Tripod Tunes be split into separate albums with the pro-prosthetic participants on one and the anti- on the other.

“Canine appendage technology has come a long way in recent years,” says vocalist/keyboardist extraordinaire Jamar Woods. “Most of the time, you can’t even tell if a dog is a tri or a quad.”

Tripod Tunes will be available to purchase as an octuple vinyl, fourCD, four-cassette, four-8-track or four-minidisc set, as well as a special edition reel-to-reel audiotape and wax cylinder. It will also be offered digitally on Bandcamp — but not on noted anti-tripod streaming service Spotify.

Eye of the beholder A new work by a River Arts District painter is expected to set a

new sales record when it’s auctioned off at Christie’s London on Thursday, Jan. 22.

Speculation surrounding H.C. Salinger’s “wut” began in early October when notorious collector Xander Mann, visiting from Omaha, Neb., strolled by the artist’s studio in the Phil Mechanic Building and posted a photo of the piece to his Instagram account. The image quickly sparked heated discussions in the comments section after username “starchild74” wrote, “That’s a blank canvas,” which received such replies as “You wouldn’t understand,” “Someone clearly didn’t go to art school,” and “My child could paint that.”

Within days, television personalities from the “Today” show team to Stephen Colbert debated the piece, leading to a rare unscripted exchange on “The Tonight Show” between host Jimmy Fallon and drummer Ahmir “?uestlove” Thompson of house band The Roots. Fallon shouted, “It says everything!” and Thompson retorted, “It says nothing!”

Further driving up the price is the rumor that the creation is actually

by Banksy, which officially brought the freaks to town, as they scour the city for clues regarding whethMOUNTAINX.COM

— Edwin Arnaudin X

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Advertise in Xpress’ once-a-month recurring feature!

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H U M O R I S S U E - 100% F A K E N E W S

CONTINUED

ARTS & CULTURE BEER

Beer me

Steve’s top-5 Asheville beers of 2025

BY ERIC BROWN ericjbrown3000@gmail.com Editor’s note: This satirical story is 100% fake news.

It is part of Xpress’ annual Humor Issue.

There are plenty of things about 2025 that you might like to forget. The good news is, time dulls most memories.

Therapy can also help. Blunt-force head trauma, though best avoided, also contributes to memory loss.

But the most time-honored way we like to forget the past in America is by drinking. (A practice Xpress does not condone, but an unfortunate reality.)

With that in mind, I was tasked with naming Asheville’s top-five beers of the year. Why I agreed to this assignment, I’m not sure. I don’t drink anymore.

I got so good at it, I decided to retire while I was at the top of my game.

But do not worry, dear reader. I have looped in my pal Steve to help out.

Steve has no last name, believe it or not. (On his license, it literally just says “Steve.”) But he’s definitely a real person, and he makes his own moonshine.

I’ve personally never tried it because I’m pretty sure it’s just brake fluid. But Steve says he’s sampled every single beer on the planet, and I’ll be damned if I don’t believe him.

Without further ado, I give you Steve’s top five beers of Asheville for 2025.

No. 5: Cold(est) Mountain — Highland Brewing Co. “Highland improved on its famous beer Cold Mountain this year and put out Coldest Mountain. I got this damn beer, and it was froze solid. Man, I tried

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LOCAL IN SPIRIT: Sure, PBR isn’t a local brew, but some people really like it.

Cheers! (The models in this photo requested they not be named, as drinks were served at a disturbingly early hour of the workday.) Photo by Thomas Calder for six hours to get this thing to thaw out. I left it on the dash of my Ford Ranchero. I hit it with an acetylene torch at work. I rubbed the bottle in my palms as fast as I could, but it still wasn’t melting. I got a piece of it to break off and tried to chew it, but it couldn’t be broken. Either way, it was damn tasty while I had it in my mouth.

Five stars!”

No. 4: Trail Pass Golden — Sierra Nevada Brewing Co. “Now this is gonna sound like a criticism, but I want to say this beer is damn delicious. Only one problem. I never got a buzz off it. I must’ve drunk 14 of them things, and I didn’t feel nothing. I was talking about it with this life coach, Armadillo Pete, I met at the Double Crown, and he said they didn’t have no alcohol in them. I said that was impossible, why would they make beer with no alcohol in them? I figured he must be drunk when he told me, and then there was some angry words said, and long story short, I ain’t allowed at the Double Crown no more. Five stars!”

No. 3: Blood Knife? — Burial Beer Co. “I’m gonna be honest with you, I don’t know for sure that this beer was called Blood Knife. I had a bunch of them at Burial. I hadn’t ever been in there before, but when I saw Tom Selleck painted on the side, I figured he must live there. I was all excited to meet Magnum P.I., but he don’t live there, I guess. Sloth from Goonies don’t either, so don’t bother going if

you want to meet either of them. I will tell you, Blood Knife, or whatever it’s called, was delicious as hell, and it’s worth going for. I think it was a stout.

Let’s just say it was a long night, and my memory ain’t what it once was. I hope it’s called Blood Knife so I can get it again the next time I go. It ain’t as good as meeting Tom “Blue Bloods” Selleck, but no beer could be that good.

Five stars!”

No. 2: Pabst Blue Ribbon — Pabst Brewing Co. “Man, I’ll tell you what, it’s good beer. It won a whole blue ribbon about it. I’m pretty sure they make it here.

Five stars!”

No. 1: Steve’s Beer — Steve’s Downhome Backyard Brewing Co. “This is gonna sound like I’m biased, but I promise I ain’t. The beer I make is the best I’ve ever tasted, and I’ve tasted them all. Obviously, I can’t tell you about the brewing process; that’s a trade secret. I promise you, you take one sip of this here beer and you won’t wanna drink another.

Wait, that didn’t come out right. You won’t want to drink a beer that ain’t Steve’s Beer, that’s what I meant.

Damn, I’m gonna have to change the slogan on all the bottles now. …

Anyway, for legal purposes, I can’t tell you where in WNC I make Steve’s Beer, but if you yell, “Hey Steve!

Gimme a beer!” into the woods just about anywhere, there’s a pretty good chance I’ll be there, and I’ll hook you up. Six stars!” X

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DEC. 31, 2025 - JAN 6, 2026

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COMMUNITY CALENDAR DEC. 31 - JAN. 8, 2025 For a full list of community calendar guidelines, please visit mountainx.com/calendar. For questions about free listings, call 828-251-1333, opt. 4. For questions about paid calendar listings, please call 828-251-1333, opt. 1.

 Online-only events WELLNESS Tai Chi Fan The Tai Chi Fan class includes a short Flying Rainbow Single Fan form, partner work, and Flying Rainbow Double Fan form.

WE (12/31, 1/7), 1pm, Dragon Phoenix, Woodfin, 51 N Merrimon Ave Wellness Wednesdays: Cue The Pub Run The perfect way to make new connections or keep current ones fresh.

WE (12/31, 1/7), 6pm, Archetype Brewing, 265 Haywood Rd 50+ Yoga For individuals aged 50 and above, focusing on gentle movements and flexibility, taught by Barbara.

FR (1/2), MO (1/5), WE (1/7), noon, Weaverville Yoga, 3 Florida Ave Anahata Yoga A heart-centered yoga practice focusing on the Anahata chakra, led

by Barbara.

FR (1/2), SA (1/3), MO (1/5), WE (1/7), 10:30am, Weaverville Yoga, 3-B Florida Ave Synthesizer Sound Bath Composer and sound designer Logos will take you on a meditative musical experience, blending analog synthesizers and acoustic instruments in a quadraphonic

speaker array.

FR (1/2), 7pm, The Well, 3 Louisiana Avenue Chinese Tea and Tai Chi Foundations This is a class for all ages and all levels. No experience is needed.

SA (1/3), 10:30am, Dragon Phoenix, Woodfin, 51 N Merrimon Ave New Year Full Wolf Moon Blacklight Yoga w/Kasia Kane Let the energy of the Full Moon guide the start of your New Year in this intentional Blacklight Yoga class.

SA (1/3), 6pm, Asheville Community Yoga, 8 Brookdale Rd SharQui Bellydance Fitness A bellydance fitness class suitable for all levels, led by instructor Kim Reigle.

SA (1/3), 10am, WE (12/31, 1/7), noon, World Dance Asheville, 1269 Tunnel Rd Candlelight Flow Yoga Unwind in our all-levels Candlelight Flow Yoga class.

SU (1/4), 5pm, Happy Body Pilates, 25 Reed St., Suite 210 Community Kirtan & Song Circle Experience the joy and connection of kirtan, a heart-centered gathering where we come together to sing devotional chants in a call-and-response

XPRESS EVENT PICK Dry January Kick Off Party The Whale: West Asheville, 507 Haywood Rd • Saturday, Jan. 3 • 2 p.m.

Enjoy a variety of N/A options to help get Dry January started for you.

There will also be a bonfire, along with s’mores supplies and a lot of cozy vibes.

“Just because you’re doing Dry January doesn’t mean you can’t have some fun while starting the year on a fresh and healthy mindset.”

— Braulio Martinez X 22

DEC. 31, 2025 - JAN 6, 2026

format.

SU (1/4), 6:30pm, The Well, 3 Louisiana Avenue New Year Serenity Sound Bath Step into 2026 by nourishing your spirit and opening your heart through the healing vibrations of a Serenity Sound Bath. Allow the frequencies to wash over you, realign your energy and awaken peace within.

SU (1/4), 5pm, Community Commons at CSL Asheville, 3 Science of Mind Way Sunday Morning Meditation A combination of silent sitting and walking meditation, facilitated

by Worth Bodie, a longtime Buddhist student and practitioner.

SU (1/4), 10am, The Lodge at Quietude, 1130 Montreat Rd Yin Yang Qigong Together, we will balance the Yin and Yang within to effortlessly smooth out internal and external physical, emotional and mental disharmonies.

MO (1/5), 10am, Dragon Phoenix, Woodfin, 51 N Merrimon Ave Kinēsa Mat Class Kinēsa focuses on retraining the brain and calming the nervous system to release habitual patterns of posture, movement, and body mechanics.

TU (1/6), 8:30am, Happy Body Pilates, 25 Reed St., Suite 210 Meditative Morning The first Tuesday morning of every month will be reserved for Meditative Mornings, a pause for quiet time in our gardens and on our trails.

TU (1/6), 8am, NC Arboretum, 20 Frederick Law Olmsted Way Qigong for Health and Resilience We practice a variety of simple yet powerful standing movements that can be as deep and challenging as you wish.

TU (1/6), 9am, Dragon Phoenix, Woodfin, 51 N. Merrimon Ave

SUPPORT GROUPS Asheville Quits: Nicotine Anonymous Every Thursday. For more information, visit avl.mx/f91.

TH (1/1, 1/8), 4:30pm, Online

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Carolina Resource Center for Eating Disorders Support Group This support group is peer-led and facilitated by licensed therapists & dietitians specializing in eating disorders.

To learn more about participation visit avl.mx/es6.

WE (12/31, 1/7), 6pm, Online Nicotine Anonymous People share their experience, strength and hope to stop using nicotine. You don’t need to be stopped, just have a desire to attend.

TH (1/1, 1/8), 4:30pm, Asheville 12-Step Recovery Club, 1 Kenilworth Knolls Unit 4 Staying Grounded in Shaky Times A spiritual practice, support, and discussion group for seekers. It will explore a variety of spiritual practices including meditation, breath-work, meditative movement and more.

WE (12/31, 1/7), 2pm, AmeriHealth Caritas North Carolina Wellness and Opportunity Center, 216 Asheland Ave Drugs are Whack Every Friday. For more information, visit avl.mx/f91.

FR (1/2), 10am, Online Magnetic Minds: Depression & Bipolar Support Group A free weekly peer-led meeting for those living with depression, bipolar, and related mental health challenges. For more information contact (828) 367-7660.

SA (1/3), 2pm, First Congregational Church of Christ of Asheville, 20 Oak Street Solutions Group Daily living sober meeting. For more information, visit avl.mx/f91.

SU (1/4), 12:30pm, Online Sunrise AA Meeting Daily virtual Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.

For more information, visit avl.mx/f91.

SU (1/4), 7am, Online Families Anonymous Support group for those affected by someone else’s addiction. We support each other with support of program.

TU (1/6), 6pm, Love & Respect, 350 Chadwick Ave Suite 300 The Men’s Nest Make meaningful human connections to strengthen your social health, cultivate compassion, and learn to use your power to give and receive authentic support.

TU (1/6), 5:15pm, SeekHealing, 50 S French Broad Ave

WINTER GROUP ART SHOW: Push Skate Shop & Gallery hosts the final weeks of its Holiday Bizarre Group Art Show. The exhibition runs Sunday-Thursday till Jan. 11, starting at noon, and features a wide variety of paintings, collages, ink drawings and more with themes of winter, holiday, sci-fi, horror, rock ’n’ roll and more. Photo courtesy of Push Skate Shop & Gallery (art by Amy Sims) Stroke Support Group w/Stronger Together Wellness Stronger Together Wellness empowers stroke survivors and their caregivers through shared experiences, fostering a vibrant community that inspires healing, resilience, and hope on the journey to recovery.

TH (1/8), 3pm, AmeriHealth Caritas North Carolina Wellness and Opportunity Center, 216 Asheland Ave

DANCE Country Line Dance w/ Kristey Featuring beginner and advanced classes that are open to everyone.

Dust off your favorie boots, and get ready to groove.

WE (12/31, 1/7), 6pm, Eda’s Hide-a-Way, 1098 New Stock Rd, Weaverville Nia Dance Class Nia brings the body, mind, emotions, and spirit to optimal health through music, movement, and self expression.

TH (1/1, 1/8), TU (1/6), 10:30am, Dragon Phoenix, Woodfin, 51 N. Merrimon Ave

and are beginner and family friendly.

SA (1/3), 7pm, Haw Creek Commons, 315 Old Haw Creek Rd Bellydance Drills A class focusing on bellydance drills suitable for all levels, led by Olivia Blahowsky.

SU (1/4), 4pm, World Dance Asheville, 1269 Tunnel Rd

We Line Dance Instructor Brenda Mills leads an all-inclusive exercise class using line dancing to get your body moving.

TH (1/1, 1/8), 6:15pm, Stephens-Lee Rec Center, 30 George Washington Carver Ave

Fundamentals of Bellydance Explore the fundamentals of bellydance, focusing on internal movement, isolations, smooth travel, hip articulation, and fluidity.

WE (1/7), 5:30pm, The Well, 3 Louisiana Avenue

Asheville Community Square Dance A night of community social dance, music laughs and fun. The dances are all taught

Latin Night Wednesday w/DJ MTN VIBEZ A Latin dance social featuring salsa, bachata, merengue, cumbia, and reggaeton

with dance lessons for all skill levels. Open dance is from 9 p.m. to midnight.

WE (1/7), 8pm, One World Brewing West, 520 Haywood Rd

ART Trolls: A Field Study An interactive exhibition featuring twelve troll sculptures exploring human life, crafted from materials like fallen branches and wooden pallets. Open daily, 8am.

NC Arboretum, 20 Frederick Law Olmsted Way Slow Art Friday Experience how close looking can foster relaxation and connection.

FR (1/2), noon, Asheville Art Museum, 2 S Pack Square

Public Tour: Featured Exhibition A guided tour of the museum's current featured exhibition.

SA (1/3), 2pm, Asheville Art Museum, 2 S Pack Square Look Homeward, Angel: Letterio Calapai’s Wood Engravings of the Asheville-Inspired Novel This exhibition explores the artistic legacy of the medieval bestiary through a selection of animals and fantastic beasts from the Museum’s Collection. Gallery open Wednesday through Sunday, 11am.

Exhibition through March 15, 2026.

Asheville Art Museum, 2 S Pack Square Public Tour: Discovering Art in Asheville An interactive tour exploring the Museum’s history and Collection.

SU (1/4), 3pm, Asheville Art Museum, 2 S Pack Square Botanical Drawing for Beginners In this beginner level class, learn several drawing techniques including line shading and pen and ink.

TU (1/6), 10:30am, NC Arboretum, 20 Frederick Law Olmsted Way Artful Living: The Spirit of the Craftsman Style Through clay, canvas, wood, and metal, Artful Living explores the soul of the Craftsman ethos—simplicity, utility, and harmony with the natural world.

Gallery open Monday through Sunday, 10am.

Exhibition through Dec. 31.

Grovewood Gallery, 111 Grovewood Rd Highwater: Ceramics from the Gail & Brian McCarthy Collection Highwater features ceramics from the collection of Gail & Brian McCarthy, celebrating the 45-year legacy of Highwater Clays as a pillar of the ceramics community in WNC and beyond. Gallery open Wednesday through Sunday, 11am.

Exhibition through April 26, 2026.

Asheville Art Museum, 2 S Pack Square Holiday Bizarre Group Art Show Artists were encouraged to explore winter, holiday, sci-fi, horror, rock & roll, and psychedelic themes.

Expect a wider variety of paintings, collages, ink drawings and more.

Gallery open Sunday through Thursday, noon. Exhibition through Jan. 11.

Push Skate Shop & Gallery, 25 Patton Ave

Lasting Legacies: Architecture in Asheville by Richard Sharp Smith, Albert Heath Carrier & Douglas D. Ellington Lasting Legacies shines a spotlight on the contributions of two of the city’s most prominent architectural firms to Asheville’s built environment and artistic spirit in the early decades of the 20th century. Gallery open Wednesday through Sunday, 11am.

Exhibition through Jan. 18, 2026.

Asheville Art Museum, 2 S Pack Square Look Homeward, Angel: Letterio Calapai’s Wood Engravings of the Asheville-Inspired Novel This exhibition presents a folio of prints by Letterio Calapai illustrating "Look Homeward, Angel" (1929)—Thomas Wolfe’s semi-autobiographical novel set in a fictionalized Asheville. Gallery open Wednesday through Sunday, 11am.

Exhibition through Feb. 22, 2026.

Asheville Art Museum, 2 S Pack Square Modern Bestiary: Creatures from the Collection This exhibition explores the artistic legacy of the medieval bestiary through a selection of animals and fantastic beasts from the Museum’s Collection. Gallery open Wednesday through Sunday, 11am.

Exhibition through March 15, 2026.

Asheville Art Museum, 2 S Pack Square Women of the Pacific Northwest This exhibition celebrates the voices, visions and material mastery of female artists working today, with roots from this rich and progressive region. Gallery open Wednesday through Sunday, 11am.

Exhibition through May 17, 2026.

Asheville Art Museum, 2 S Pack Square

COMMUNITY MUSIC Billy Jonas Band: Welcome the New Year Family Concert Whether performing for adults, families, school groups, faith communities, or a mix, they strive for a musical excellence that inspires, entertains, and moves people literally and figuratively.

WE (12/31),1pm, The Grey Eagle, 185 Clingman Ave UNCA Jazz w/Bill Bares A night of incredible jazz with pianist, composer, scholar

and educator William Bares, a professor or music and co-director of jazz studies at UNC Asheville.

WE (1/7), 7pm, White Horse Black Mountain, 105C Montreat Road

featuring the narrative brilliance and diverse storytelling traditions of two acclaimed master storytellers.

TU (1/6), 7pm, Jubilee!

Community at Rainbow Community School Auditorium, 60 State St

COMMUNITY WORKSHOPS

Poetry Open Mic Asheville's longest-running open mic, welcoming all forms of creative expression.

Sign-up at 8 p.m. for a 5 or 10-minute spot.

WE (1/7), 8:30pm, Sovereign Kava, 268 Biltmore Ave

Simply Charmed: Drop In Workshop Choose from more than 60 styles of metal stamps and a variety of jewelers hammers to complete your charm.

After a quick demo by the instructor you will have time to complete your masterpiece.

WE (12/31), 11am, Ignite Jewelry Studios, 84 Walnut St Unit A

LITERARY Flooded Poetry Mondays Poetry-specific open mic, starring you plus weekly featured readers, every Monday.

MO (1/5), 6:30pm, Flood Gallery, 802 Fairview Rd, Ste 1200 Weaverville Women's Book Club The book for December/January is Bootlegger's Daughter by Margaret Maron. If you have any questions, please reach out to Katarina at Katarina@ LevellerBrewing.com MO (1/5), 6pm, Leveller Brewing Co., 25 N Main St Waxing Splendor: Tales Unfolding You are invited to a unique evening of timeless tales of magnificent ascent

Pack Book Club We read a variety of genres. Newcomers are always welcome.

TH (1/8), 10:30am, Pack Memorial Library, 67 Haywood St Asheville Storyslam: New Leaf Prepare a five-minute story about a new chapter. Bold beginnings, fresh starts and the mess we had to leave behind.

TH (1/8), 7:30pm, The Grey Eagle, 185 Clingman Ave

THEATER & FILM Holiday Ice Rink: Movie Night Featuring something for everyone to enjoy including holiday-inspired craft cocktails and hot chocolate, festive photo ops, a winter market and weekly theme nights.

TH (1/1), 3pm, Asheville Yards, 75 Coxe Ave Performance & Film Screening: Suite for Two A live performance of

Merce Cunningham’s Suite for Two (1958) and a screening of the dance film Beach Birds.

WE (1/7), 7pm, Black Mountain College Museum + Arts Center, 120 College St

MEETINGS & PROGRAMS IBN Biz Lunch: Hendersonville All are invited to attend and promote their business, products, and services, and meet new referral contacts.

TH (1/1), noon, Thai Spice, 220 S King St Social Seniors A social gathering for seniors to engage in various activities and connect with peers.

TH (1/1), FR (1/2), MO (1/5), TU (1/6), WE (1/7), 9am, Grove Street Community Center, 36 Grove S Manifest Your Masterpiece You’re invited to an electrifying Vision Board Party designed to help you dream boldly and manifest intentionally.

FR (1/2), 7pm, Community Commons at CSL Asheville, 3 Science of Mind Way Forest Bathing Led by a certified nature therapy guide, this 3-hour experience weaves together mindfulness, breathwork, forest bathing and embodied nature connection, providing a unique way to explore the wonders of the great outdoors.

SA (1/3), 1:30pm, NC Arboretum, 20 Frederick Law Olmsted Way Atheists of WNC This little Atheist group invites anyone who doesn't believe in religions to come chat with like-minded people. Find out more at avl.mx/f8c.

SU (1/4), 10am, EarthFare - Westgate, 66 Westgate Pkw Coloring w/Cats Take 50 minutes for yourself and cuddle with the panthers, meet other cat-lovers, and color a beautiful picture of a cat from our adult coloring books.

SU (1/4), 2pm, House of Black Cat Magic, 841 Haywood Rd.

Open 364 days a year!

Tues. - Sat.: 9 to 9 Sun. & Mon.: 9 to 6 WEEKLY EVENTS Tues.: Cornhole League Wed.: Cornhole Tournament

Sunday Celebration Check out an uplifting Science of Mind Celebration.

SU (1/4), 11am, Center for Spiritual Living Asheville, 2 Science of Mind Way

LIVE MUSIC Friday, Saturday & Sunday

Holiday Ice Rink: Local's Skate Glide across a real, outdoor ice rink, surrounded by twinkling lights, festive music and holiday vibes.

Enjoy holiday-inspired craft cocktails and hot chocolate, festive photo ops, a winter market and weekly theme nights.

TU (1/6), 3pm, Asheville Yards, 75 Coxe Ave

1/04: Elizabeth McCorvey, 2-5pm 1/08: LIVE Music Bingo, 6-8pm 1/09 & 1/23: Karaoke 1/10: Caribbean Cowboys, 5-8pm 1/15: Line Dancing, 6-9pm 1/24: Whiskey Envy, 6-9pm

Tarot Club Each month, we’ll study a new method, approach, or way to work with the cards while engaging in personal journeywork.

JANUARY LIVE MUSIC

SISSY’S FOOD TRUCK BBQ, Burgers & Philly Cheesteaks and more!

Tues. - Sat.: 11am-9pm Sun.: 11am-6pm

Donate your car.

Change a life.

Do you have an extra car that needs a new home?

Your donated car can open the doors to independence, increased income, and higher education for a hardworking member of our community. Vehicles of all types and conditions are welcomed and appreciated!

The donation is tax-deductible. The process is simple.

The impact is real.

workingwheelswnc.org | 828-633-6888 MOUNTAINX.COM

3016 Chimney Rock Road, Hendersonville, NC 828-606-7276 jandmfarmsnc.com DEC. 31, 2025 - JAN 6, 2026

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C O M M UNI T Y CA LEN DA R

THANKS FOR

GIVING LOCAL

Congratulations and thanks to all who participated and supported Mountain Xpress’ project and its 52 partner nonprofits

This meetup is part learning and part self-exploration.

TU (1/6), 7pm, The Well, 3 Louisiana Avenue IBN Breakfast Club: Mills River All are invited to attend and promote their business, products, and services, and meet new referral contacts. Bring a big stack of business cards and invite your business contacts to attend.

WE (1/7), 8:30am, Mills River Restaurant, 4467 Boylston Hwy IBN Biz Lunch: Brevard/Pisgah Forest A free business networking lunch event open to all, with no membership or attendance requirements.

TH (1/8), noon, Hawg Wild Smokehouse & Taproom, 91 Pisgah Hwy

Hooping Around Community Basketball Come show your skills, play a pick-up game, and get a good sweat in during our Community Basketball.

SU (1/4), 1:15pm, Linwood Crump Shiloh Community Center, 121 Shiloh Rd Southside After Praise After church, enjoy an afternoon playing spades or dominoes.

SU (1/4), 1:30pm, Dr. Wesley Grant Sr. Southside Community Center, 285 Livingston St Weekly Sunday Scrabble If you like Wordle, Boggle, Words with Friends or Scrabble online, this club may be a good fit for you.

All of the games are provided.

SU (1/4), 1:30pm, Stephens-Lee Rec Center, 30 George Washington Carver Ave

GAMES & CLUBS Asheville Board Game Club Meetup Play a wide variety of games—strategy, party, cooperative, and more.

WE (12/31, 1/7), 5:30pm, Well Played Board Game Café, 162 Coxe Ave, 101

Monday Night Music Video Bingo Come out for Monday night music video bingo with Jason.

MO (1/5), 6pm, Mills River Brewing Co., 336 Banner Farm Rd, Mills River

Board Game Night An assortment of board games available to play.

WE (12/31, 1/7), 5pm, Hi-Wire RAD Beer Garden, 284 Lyman St

GIVELOCALGUIDE.ORG

Adult Community Basketball Come shoot some hoops or play a pick up game with friends.

SU (1/4), 1pm, Dr. Wesley Grant Sr. Southside Community Center, 285 Livingston St

Pool Night Pool night, every Monday night with a $5 buy in. Must be signed up by 7 p.m.

MO (1/5), 6:30pm, Eda’s Hide-a-Way, 1098 New Stock Rd, Weaverville

Homeschooler’s Hangout Games help develop cognitive skills, including decision-making, problem-solving, and logical analysis. In older adults, playing games has been shown to lower the risk of developing Alzheimer’s disease.

TH (1/1, 1/8), 11am, Well Played Board Game Café, 162 Coxe Ave, 101

Game Designers of NC Meetup Come play test the next generation of games.

TU (1/6), 6pm, Well Played Board Game Café, 162 Coxe Ave, 101

Magic: The Gathering Whether you’ve been playing for years or are just starting your journey, this is your chance to battle, brew, and build community.

TU (1/6), 6pm, Well Played Board Game Café, 162 Coxe Ave, 101

KID-FRIENDLY PROGRAMS Baby Story Time A lively language enrichment story time designed for children ages 4 to 18 months.

TH (1/1, 1/8), 10:30am, Oakley/South Asheville Library, 749 Fairview Rd Black Cat Tales: Story Time w/Cats Families with children age 7 & under are invited to relax in the cat lounge and listen to a cat-centric book surrounded by our resident panthers.

FR (1/2), 4pm, House of Black Cat Magic, 841 Haywood Rd. Coloring w/Cats: Kiddie Edition Coloring books and markers (and of course, cats) are provided for this relaxing artistic session. Children ages 13 and under are welcome to this event.

SA (1/3), 1pm, House of Black Cat Magic, 841 Haywood Rd

LOCAL MARKETS Weaverville Tailgate Market This market features a selection of fresh, locally grown produce, grass fed beef, pork, chicken, eggs, cheese, baked goods, artisan bread, eclectic handmade goodies, garden and landscaping plants.

WE (12/31, 1/7), 3pm, Weaverville Tailgate Market, 60 Lake Shore Dr Junk-O-Rama Vintage Market Full bad, vintage clothes, jewelry, local

art & more.

SU (1/4), noon, Fleetwood’s, 496 Haywood Rd RAD Farmers Market A year-round weekly market featuring local fruits vegetables, meats, bread, honey, eggs, pastries, flowers, crafts and more.

SNAP, Double SNAP, & Farmers Market Prescriptions accepted here.

WE (1/7), 3pm, New Belgium Brewing Asheville, 21 Craven St WNC Farmers Market This year-round market features locally grown produce, fruits and vegetables, mountain crafts, plants, shops, arts and crafts, sourwood honey, and other farm fresh items.

Open daily, 8am.

WNC Farmers Market, 570 Brevard Rd

FESTIVALS & SPECIAL EVENTS New Year’s Resolution Run 5k & 10k Hit the ground running in 2026 with the 12th annual New Year’s resolution Run 5k and 10K. The race course takes you through the bustling streets of downtown and charming neighborhoods.

TH (1/1), 10am, Pack Square Park, 80 Court Plaza 2026 A New Year's Mini Retreat Kick off 2026 with an in person opportunity to embrace renewal, rest and rhythm experience rejuvenate through breath, sound chanting, yoga and more. Expect good vibes, great company, and plenty of moments to unwind.

FR (1/2), 5:30pm, Good Health & Beauty, 1020 Merrimon Avenue Kids' New Years Eve Party Kick off the new year with new vibes at a festive party packed with activities to welcome new possibilities and opportunities with

open arms.

FR (1/2), 6pm, Tempie Avery Montford Community Center, 34 Pearson Dr Dry January Kick Off Party Enjoy a variety of N/A options to help get Dry January started for you. There will also be a bonfire, along with s’mores supplies and a lot of cozy vibes.

SA (1/3), 2pm, The Whale: West Asheville, 507 Haywood Rd Annual Burning Bowl & White Stone Ceremony This event begins with the Burning Bowl Ceremony, blessing and letting go of the old, followed by writing a Letter to Spirit to welcome clarity, renewal, and inspired direction for the year ahead.

SU (1/4), 11am, Community Commons at CSL Asheville, 3 Science of Mind Way Asheville Mardi Gras Twelfth Night Make merry and live it up at Twelfth Night where you can dance to DJ Paul Sena, enjoy some king cake, and find out who will be the Asheville Mardi Gras 2026 monarchs.

TU (1/6), 6pm, The Funkatorium, 147 Coxe Ave New Year’s Wisdom Ritual Over the course of these 90-minutes, you will be led through a grounding meditation, the blind smelling of essential-oil blends, and simple yet meaningful creative-writing prompts.

TU (1/6), 6pm, Still Point Wellness, 946 Tunnel Rd New Year's Eve Hootenanny Close out 2025 with a stacked night of music, beer, dancing and good times. This celebration will feature must from Quack Shack, Dr. Bacon and even a special last performance from Sexbruise?.

WE (12/31), 5:30pm, Oskar Blues Brewery, 342 Mountain Industrial Dr. New Year's Eve w/ Jaenga, Notixx, Poser & More Countdown the New Years with a stacked lined up of Electronic Dance Music artists and headliner Jaenga on his Dream Machine Tour.

WE (12/31), 6pm, Sly Grog Lounge, 271 Haywood St NYE Jazz Jubilee This celebration features soft lights, rich colors, a little sparkle in the air, and live jazz that makes the whole room feel like it’s humming. Ease into the night with Meschiya Lake & her Speakeasy 3 bringing vintage charm and smooth swing and a NYE countdown too.

WE (12/31), 5:30pm, Fitz and the Wolfe, 1 Battery Park Ave Wine in Winter Wonder at Marked Tree Vineyard Enjoy wine tasting in a winter wonderland setting.

WE (12/31), TH (1/1), FR (1/2), SA (1/3), SU (1/4), MO (1/5), noon, Marked Tree Vineyad, 623 Deep Gap Rd, Flat Rock

BENEFITS & VOLUNTEERING Love Won: A Benefit for Jamaica This benefit will feature live music from Dirty Dead, Petah Iah & The Mind Renewers, The Sunsippers and more.

All proceeds collected will be donated to the Grassroots Aid Partnership’s Hurrican Melissa Relief for Jamaica.

SA (1/3), 2pm, Pisgah Brewing Co., 2948 US-70, Black Mountain

Start the new year off right!

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ARTS & CULTURE FOOD ROUNDUP

Street appeal

Sen debuts downtown with Vietnamese fare

Why I support Xpress: Xpress

Magical Offerings In-house made teas, incense, candles, custom oils, herbs, and more!

“I find the open-minded journalism very refreshing and I believe in the importance of civic dialogue.”

Daily readers including mediumship, tarot, and more!

Walk-ins welcome!

– Daniel Maxham

Join Daniel and become a member at SupportMountainX.com

(828) 424-7868 • 640 Merrimon Ave. #207 ashevillepagansupply.store

WHERE YOUR DRINK SUPPORTS THE ARTS WHAT’S NEW IN FOOD STREETS ARE TALKING: Bún thịt nướng, pictured, is among the menu items at Sen, a new downtown Vietnamese street food restaurant. Photo courtesy of Sen Sen, a new Vietnamese street food restaurant, opened Dec. 12 at 89 Patton Ave., the former home of Sonora Cocina Mexicana.

Menu items include bún thịt nướng (house-marinated grilled pork over rice vermicelli, paired with garden-fresh herbs, pickled vegetables, roasted peanuts and fish sauce dressing), pho and egg rolls.

To learn more, visit avl.mx/f9b.

Entrepreneur of the Year Asheville Tea Co. owner Jessie Dean was named Entrepreneur of the Year at the Venture 15 Awards and Venture Asheville Honors. Held Dec. 4 at The Orange Peel, the event recognizes the 15 fastest-growing Asheville area startups and honors the people and organizations that make the city a place for startups to thrive.

“I am humbled, honored and truly blown away,” Dean says in a press release. “Our journey as a company has never been a solo endeavor, and I have so many people to thank. My heart is overflowing with love and gratitude for all of you.”

To learn more, visit avl.mx/f9a.

J Chong dinner series at Zelda Dearest Zelda Dearest Hotel is launching a monthly dinner series this

month with chef J Chong. Held in the venue’s Wine and Roses parlor bar, the wine dinner combines Chong’s distinct style of Cantonese cuisine with the products of Asheville-based Rise Over Run, a women-owned wine importer and distributor focused on minimal-intervention producers.

The dinners take place at 6 p.m. on the second Tuesday of each month — Jan. 13, Feb. 10 and March 10. Tickets for each event are $125 per person.

To learn more, visit avl.mx/f9c.

MON

Ping-Pong Tournament, LEGENDARY 6pm NEW YEAR’S EVENT! TUE

Wed., Dec. 31st • 7pm Join the Party featuring Lactones, Goodgoat, Gruntwerk, & Eaze Dogg

WED

POETRY OPEN MIC take out NIGHT

OPEN DAILY • 828.505.8118 • 268 Biltmore Ave • Ashevillekava.com

May your holiday season be Merry and Bright!

Whisky dinner at Cultivated Cocktails Fairview-based Cultivated Cocktails Distillery & Tavern will host a Cultivated Whisky Dinner on Tuesday, Jan. 13, at 6 p.m.

The five-course supper with exclusive whisky pairings features crispy pork belly with maple bourbon drizzle, charred Brussels sprouts with bacon and balsamic drizzle, a mini chicken and waffle with spicy bourbon syrup, herb-crusted pork tenderloin with apple bourbon reduction and roasted red potatoes, and caramel bourbon crème brûlée. Tickets are $125 per person.

To learn more, visit avl.mx/f9d.

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The Lion King JR.

The Get Right Band + Supatight

The Get Right Band. Photo courtesy of Silas Durocher Photo of the cast of The Lion King JR. courtesy of Asheville Junior Theater Wasting no time getting its first production of 2026 to the stage, the hardworking team at Asheville Junior Theater (AJT) transforms the Diana Wortham Theatre stage into Pride Rock for The Lion King JR. The musical adaptation of William Shakespeare’s Hamlet — featuring animals in place of Danish royalty — follows young Simba as he comes of age and fulfills his destiny to the tune of such beloved songs as “Circle of Life,” “I Just Can’t Wait to Be King” and “Hakuna Matata.”

“Every show we produce is a community celebration, and The Lion King JR. is one of the most powerful stories we’ve ever brought to the stage,” says Kelly Haas, AJT artistic director, in a press release.

“Audiences will be swept away by the music, the message and the energy of our incredible cast.”

Performances take place SaturdaySunday, Jan. 10-11, at 2 and 6 p.m.

Tickets are $25-$30.

To learn more, visit avl.mx/f99. X

The postholiday blues are real.

Seasonal affective disorder is likewise very much legitimate. But, fortunately, The Get Right Band and Supatight also exist — and they’re prepared to bring a little winter sunshine to local music fans.

On Friday, Jan. 9, at The Grey Eagle, The Get Right Band’s yearly Summer in the Winter Beach Bash returns,

complete with the stage covered in ocean-appropriate props and decorations. In addition, attendees are encouraged to wear tropical clothes — there will be a contest for Best Dressed — and look for a tropical drink special at the bar. The show begins at 8 p.m. Tickets are $14.56.

To learn more, visit avl.mx/f96. X

Dawn Roe

Caverns of Gold

Dawn Roe’s ‘thirty-six images of a dying horse (as alike as intelligence could make them) – after Hollis Frampton;’ image courtesy of the artist Photo of Pinkeye by Heather Askew In the wake of Tropical Storm Helene, a small but mighty group of local artists organized Caverns of Gold, a Bandcampexclusive compilation featuring nearly 300 musical groups. Proceeds from sales benefited the relief efforts of local nonprofit BeLoved Asheville.

Just over a year later, the Caverns of Gold leadership team keeps the generosity going with a showcase at The Orange Peel on Friday, Jan. 9, featuring some of those brain trust members’ punk bands. Pinkeye, Lower 26

DEC. 31, 2025 - JAN 6, 2026

Peaks, Why Why? and John Kirby Jr & the New Seniors will each perform sets. Proceeds from ticket sales will go to Asheville Buncombe Community Christian Ministry (ABCCM), which will also host a warm-clothing drive at the show. Attendees are encouraged to bring coats, jackets, hats, gloves and other cold-weather essentials to help ABCCM’s critical outreach work across Western North Carolina. Tickets are $15.

To learn more, visit avl.mx/f97. X MOUNTAINX.COM

Asheville-based Dawn Roe’s ongoing series, DESCENT ≈ An Atlas of Relation, is described by the artist as “a collective archive of earth, plant and animal forms living and dying together across both great and small distances.” For the past five years, this focus has produced a wide array of works that compose her latest exhibition, Super | Natural, which opened Nov. 29 at the Tracey Morgan Gallery.

The show’s selected works include print and video forms that question definitions and applications of the terms “nature” and “natural,” drawing one’s attention to “magical aspects of the ele-

mental, the often hidden or the overlooked.” Creative methods employed by Roe include direct animation of riparian vegetation on Super 8 film, derelict fishing gear (aka “ghost nets”) on X-ray negatives, and digital still- and moving-image composites.

The exhibition is on display through Saturday, Jan. 10. A closing reception will take place 5:30-7 p.m. Tuesday, Jan. 6, featuring remarks from the artist and a performative reading from the works of feminist and environmental scholar Astrida Neimanis. Free to attend.

To learn more, visit avl.mx/f98. X

CLUBLAND For questions about free listings, call 828-251-1333, opt. 4.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 3 185 KING STREET Pretty Little Goat (Grassroots), 8pm

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 31

BURGER BAR The Best Worst Karaoke, 8pm

185 KING STREET Retro Glam NYE w/ Empire Strikes Brass & Huck Pearl (jazz, R&B), 8pm

EDA'S HIDE-A-WAY Jessie & the Jinx (country), 8pm

12 BONES BREWING SMOKEHOUSE & BREWING Trivia Night w/King Trivia, 7pm

EULOGY Knot Your Kind (Slipknot Tribute), 8pm

GINGER'S REVENGE Eyes Up Here Comedy, 7pm GREEN MAN BREWING The Z-Man Experience (rock, Ska), 3pm JACK OF THE WOOD PUB • Nobody’s Darling String Band (bluegrass, blues, swing), 4pm • Cast Iron Bluegrass, 8:30pm

ASHEVILLE MUSIC HALL Sneezy w/Future Joy NYE Party (funk, soul), 9pm EULOGY Drag Me To 2026 w/DJ Lil Meow Meow, 8pm FITZ AND THE WOLFE New Years Evenin’ w/ Fancy & the Friends in Low Places, 8pm FRENCH BROAD RIVER BREWERY Saylor Brothers Jamgrass Wednesdays, 6:30pm GALACTIC PIZZA Trivia Night, 6:30pm HI-WIRE BREWING BILTMORE VILLAGE Weekly Trivia, 7pm JACK OF THE WOOD PUB • Old-time Jam, 5pm • Rae & The Ragdolls (folk, psych, rock), 9pm LEVELLER BREWING CO. NYE Old Time Jam, 8pm OKLAWAHA BREWING CO. • Wednesday Bluegrass Jam w/Finklestein Three, 6:30pm • NYE w/Billingsley (rock’n’roll), 9:30pm ONE WORLD BREWING WEST Reelin’ In The Years: NYE Yacht Rock Dance Party, 9pm ONE WORLD BREWING NYE Dance Party w/ Party Pete, 8pm REVIVAL Good Vicious: Midnight Masquerade NYE Party, 8pm SHAKEY'S SSIN w/DJ Ragga Massive, 10pm

ASHEVILLE-BASED STRING BAND: On Friday, Jan. 2, Asheville-based Coyote Rodeo, with the support of indie-folk duo The Miller Sisters, performs at The Grey Eagle, starting at 7 p.m. Coyote Rodeo offers up experimental bluegrass to push the boundaries of acoustic music, while also pulling from tradition and modern bluegrass and jamgrass. Photo courtesy of Coyote Rodeo THE JOINT NEXT DOOR Lefty Carmean & Friends (Americana, folk), 7pm THE ODD Terraoke Karaoke Takeover, 9pm THE ONE STOP AT ASHEVILLE MUSIC HALL Carson Moore (jazz), 10pm THE ORANGE PEEL RJD2 (electronic, hiphop), 9pm THE PALM ROOM AT FITZ AND THE WOLFE • NYE Jazz Jubilee (Twilight), 5pm • NYE Jazz Jubilee (Midnight), 9:30pm TURGUA BREWING CO. Lightning Round Trivia w/Marty, 6pm

HI-WIRE SOUTH SLOPE South Slope’s Open Mic Night, 6pm JACK OF THE WOOD PUB Bluegrass Jam, 7pm OKLAWAHA BREWING CO. Thursday Karaoke, 9:30pm ONE WORLD BREWING WEST Fee Fi Phaux Fish (Phish tribute), 8pm

TWIN LEAF BREWERY Open Mic Night, 6:30pm VOWL BAR AT DSSOLVR Group Therapy w/ Neptune Spins, 9pm

RIVER ARTS DISTRICT BREWING CO. Roots & Blues w/Peggy and Kelly, 6pm

WHITE HORSE BLACK MOUNTAIN 3WB Rock-On New Years Eve (blues, funk, rock), 7:30pm

SHAKEY'S Karaoke w/DJ Franco Nino, 9pm

THURSDAY, JANUARY 1

SOVEREIGN KAVA New Year's Eve Party w/Lactones, Goodgoat, Gruntwerk, 7pm

185 KING STREET Unpaid Bill & the Bad Czechs (folk, ragtime), 7pm

SWEETEN CREEK BREWING Witty Wednesday Trivia w/Ellie, 6:30pm

EDA'S HIDE-A-WAY Bless Your Heart Trivia w/Harmon, 7pm

THE GREY EAGLE New Year's Eve w/ Electro Lust (funk, Latin), 9pm

HI-WIRE BREWING BILTMORE VILLAGE Family Feud Style Trivia, 7pm

PISGAH BREWING CO. Hangover Party w/ Phuncle Sam & Mountain View BBQ (Prog, psych), 3pm

SLY GROG LOUNGE Weird Wednesday Open Jam, 8pm

THE CROW & QUILL NYE w/Firecracker Jazz Band (Party Jazz), 8pm

GREEN MAN BREWING Thursday Night Trivia, 7pm

FLOOD GALLERY True Home Open Mic, 6pm FRENCH BROAD RIVER BREWERY Jerry's Dead Thursdays (Grateful Dead tribute), 6pm

STATIC AGE LOFT Auto-tune Karaoke w/ Who Gave This B*tch a Mic, 10pm TAPROOM AT HIGHLAND BREWING CO. New Years Day Jam w/ Steve Okonski, Matt Smith, Evan Martin & Kevin Williams (jazz), 2pm TURGUA BREWING CO. Alien Music Club Jazz Jam, 5:30pm

VOWL BAR AT DSSOLVR Hot Couch Karaoke w/ DJ BridalPartiBucardi, 8pm

TAPROOM AT HIGHLAND BREWING CO. Fairlight & the Magick (blues, psych), 6pm

FRIDAY, JANUARY 2

THE CROW & QUILL Kass Blount & the Burners (jazz), 8pm

THE GREY EAGLE Coyote Rodeo w/ The Miller Sisters (bluegrass), 7pm THE PALM ROOM AT FITZ AND THE WOLFE Jbot Jazz Organ Trio, 9pm

185 KING STREET Pocosin (rock, roots), 8pm ELEVATED KAVA LOUNGE DOWNTOWN Open Mic Night, 8pm FLEETWOOD’S Balloon Stampede, Tanner York & Muscadine (indie, punk), 9pm JACK OF THE WOOD PUB Soul Blue (blues, soul), 8:30pm LOBSTER TRAP Dinah's Daydream (Gypsy, jazz), 6:30pm ONE WORLD BREWING WEST Mill Train (bluegrass), 8pm ONE WORLD BREWING Sheepdog (acoustic), 7pm PRITCHARD PARK DOWNTOWN The Friday Drum Circle, 6pm RIVER ARTS DISTRICT BREWING CO. Rock While Rome Burns (rock), 6pm SHAKEY'S 2000s Karaoke w/DJ Franco Nino, 10pm

TWIN LEAF BREWERY Trivia Night, 6:30pm

SHILOH & GAINES Lazybirds (blues, folk, swing), 8pm

URBAN ORCHARD CIDER CO. Wayward Trivia, 6:30pm

STATIC AGE LOFT Daddy Deem's Night (R&B, 10pm

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DEC. 31, 2025 - JAN 6, 2026

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C L UBLA N D ONE WORLD BREWING WEST • Rhythm & Blues Dance Party w/Peggy Ratusz & Daddy LongLegs Dance Band, 4pm • Saturday Sessions: AJIS Takeover (house), 8pm ONE WORLD BREWING Sequoia Rose (bluegrass), 7pm STATIC AGE LOFT Sanctum (dark, electronic, Industrial), 8pm

TAPROOM AT HIGHLAND BREWING CO. The Highway Companions (Americana, rock), 5pm THE GREY EAGLE Rock & Roll Hangover w/The New Variants, Jesse Velvet & Andrew Thelston Band (multigenre), 8pm THE ODD Party Foul Drag at The Odd, 8pm

THE PALM ROOM AT FITZ AND THE WOLFE Adam & the Rose Colored Glasses (jazz), 9pm URBAN ORCHARD CIDER CO. 70's, 80's & 90's DJ Dance Night, 7pm

SUNDAY, JANUARY 4 185 KING STREET Open Electric Jam w/ The King Street House Band, 5pm

BURIAL SOUTH SLOPE Mourning Mass, 2pm DSSOLVR Robert’s Totally Rad Trivia, 4pm EDA'S HIDE-A-WAY Open Mic Night, 6pm

JACK OF THE WOOD PUB • Bluegrass Brunch w/ The Bluegrass Brunch Boys (bluegrass), noon • Traditional Irish Music Session, 3:30pm

FRENCH BROAD RIVER BREWERY Reggae Sunday w/ Chalwa, 3pm

ONE WORLD BREWING WEST • Suns of Stars Sunday Residency (bluegrass), 2pm • One Love Sundays (reggae), 7pm

GINGER'S REVENGE Jazz Jam Sundays, 2:30pm

PISGAH BREWING CO. Sunday Jam: Spiro & Friends, 6:30pm

RIVER ARTS DISTRICT BREWING CO. RAD Cellar Comedy, 7pm TAPROOM AT HIGHLAND BREWING CO. Grateful Sunday w/ Phuncle Sam (grateful dead tribute), 2pm THE ONE STOP AT ASHEVILLE MUSIC HALL Shakedown Sunday's, 8pm

VOWL BAR AT DSSOLVR Freshen Up Open Mic Comedy, 7pm WELL PLAYED BOARD GAME CAFÉ Sunday Morning Trivia Brunch, 10:30am

MONDAY, JANUARY 5 DIATRIBE BREWING Big Brain Trivia, 7pm DIRTY JACK'S Traditional Old Time Jam, 5:30pm EDA'S HIDEAWAY Open Mic Night, 7pm FRENCH BROAD RIVER BREWERY Alex Bazemore & Friends (multi-genre), 6pm HI-WIRE RAD BEER GARDEN RAD Music Bingo, 7pm ONE WORLD BREWING WEST Mashup Mondays w/ JLloyd (funk, jazz, soul), 8pm ONE WORLD BREWING Open Mic Downtown, 7:30pm

SWEETEN CREEK BREWING All Arts Open Mic, 6pm TAPROOM AT HIGHLAND BREWING CO. Music Bingo w/Spencer, 6pm THE ONE STOP AT ASHEVILLE MUSIC HALL • Early Tuesday Jam, 7pm • Uncle Lenny's Krazy Karaoke, 10pm THIRD ROOM Open Decks, 8pm TURGUA BREWING CO. Old-time Jam (jazz), 5:30pm WAGBAR Trivia Tuesdays, 6pm

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 7

STATIC AGE LOFT The Hot Seat w/C.J. Green & Cam (comedy), 7pm

FRENCH BROAD RIVER BREWERY Saylor Brothers Jamgrass Wednesdays, 6:30pm

TAPROOM AT HIGHLAND BREWING CO. Trivia Night W/Two Bald Guys & A Mic, 6pm

GALACTIC PIZZA Trivia Night, 6:30pm

TUESDAY, JANUARY 6

JACK OF THE WOOD PUB Old-time Jam, 5pm

BURGER BAR C U Next Tuesday Trivia, 9pm DIATRIBE BREWING Irish Session, 4pm ELUVIUM BREWING Not Rocket Science Trivia, 6pm FRENCH BROAD RIVER BREWERY Robert’s Totally Rad Trivia, 7pm HI-WIRE RAD BEER GARDEN RAD Weekly Trivia, 7pm HI-WIRE SOUTH SLOPE Trivia Tuesdays w/Not Rocket Science, 7pm

HI-WIRE BREWING BILTMORE VILLAGE Weekly Trivia, 7pm

OKLAWAHA BREWING CO. Wednesday Bluegrass Jam w/Finklestein Three, 6:30pm PISGAH BREWING CO. Frances Eliza (folk), 6pm SHAKEY'S SSIN w/DJ Ragga Massive, 10pm SLY GROG LOUNGE Weird Wednesday Open Jam, 8pm THE ODD Terraoke Karaoke Takeover, 9pm TURGUA BREWING CO. Lightning Round Trivia w/ Marty, 6pm TWIN LEAF BREWERY Open Mic Night, 6:30pm

THURSDAY, JANUARY 8

MILLS RIVER BREWING CO. Tuesday Night Trivia, 6pm

185 KING STREET Honky Tonk Thursday Featuring Laurel Lee & the Escapees (Honky Tonk), 6pm

OKLAWAHA BREWING CO. • Team Trivia, 7pm • Karaoke, 9:30pm

EDA'S HIDE-A-WAY Bless Your Heart Trivia w/Harmon, 7pm

ONE WORLD BREWING WEST Tuesday Residency w/ Songs From The Road Band (Americana, bluegrass, folk), 7pm

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SOVEREIGN KAVA Open Jam, 8pm

EULOGY Fleshwater w/Jarhead Fertilizer & Tarantula, 8pm

ARCHETYPE BREWING Trivia Tuesdays, 6:30pm

DEC. 31, 2025 - JAN 6, 2026

SHILOH & GAINES Music Bingo, 7pm

RIVER ARTS DISTRICT BREWING CO. Trivia w/Billy, 7pm

185 KING STREET Mike Guggino’s Mando Mania w/David Benedict, Darren Nicholson, & Shawn Lane (bluegrass, country), 6:30pm

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SHAKEY'S Booty Tuesday in The Office, 10pm

FLEETWOOD’S Lily of the Sea & Paprika (grunge), 9pm FLOOD GALLERY True Home Open Mic, 6pm

FRENCH BROAD RIVER BREWERY Jerry's Dead Thursdays, 6pm GINGER'S REVENGE Books & Brews Trivia, 6pm

HI-WIRE SOUTH SLOPE South Slope’s Open Mic Night, 6pm JACK OF THE WOOD PUB Bluegrass Jam, 7pm

GREEN MAN BREWING Thursday Night Trivia, 7pm

LEVELLER BREWING CO. Traditional Irish Session, 6pm

HI-WIRE BREWING BILTMORE VILLAGE Family Feud Style Trivia, 7pm

OKLAWAHA BREWING CO. Thursday Karaoke, 9:30pm

ONE WORLD BREWING WEST Fee Fi Phaux Fish (Phish tribute), 8pm

STATIC AGE LOFT Auto-tune Karaoke w/ Who Gave This B*tch a Mic, 10pm

ONE WORLD BREWING The Belle Curves (powerpop), 7pm

THE ORANGE PEEL Charlie Starr (rock), 8pm

PISGAH BREWING CO. Sunnyside Stringband (country, rock), 7pm SHAKEY'S Karaoke w/DJ Franco Nino, 9pm SOVEREIGN KAVA Django Jazz Jam, 7pm

TWIN LEAF BREWERY Trivia Night, 6:30pm URBAN ORCHARD CIDER CO. Wayward Trivia, 6:30pm VOWL BAR AT DSSOLVR Hot Couch Karaoke w/DJ BridalPartiBucardi, 8pm

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DEC. 31, 2025 - JAN 6, 2026

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MARKETPLACE

F R E E W I L L A S T R O L O G Y BY ROB BREZSNY ARIES (March 21-April 19): Before major eruptions, volcanoes may emit harmonic tremors. Lasting for hours or days, they are signals that pressure is building. A similar phenomenon is simmering in your sphere, Aries. Be alert. What rhythmic clues are vibrating through your system? What pressure is mounting that could eventually erupt? I’m not saying you should interpret them with a worried mind. In fact, they are offering you valuable intelligence about what needs to be released. You can either ignore them and let the eruption surprise you, or you can pay attention and arrange for controlled venting.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Your heartbeat isn’t regular like a metronome, but slightly irregular. The phenomenon is called heart rate variability and is a sign of health. A perfectly regular heartbeat is actually a warning sign. Your heart knows something your mind might not believe: Perfect consistency is pathological. Variation is vitality. The rhythm of life includes the beautiful irregularity of a system that's alive enough to respond and adapt. Keep these truths uppermost in mind during 2026, Taurus.

You will thrive on changeability and fluctuation.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): The Greenland shark waits for animals to fall asleep, then eats them while they're unconscious. Since it's too slow to chase anything, it has evolved a patient approach to hunting. It acts on the understanding that everything eventually lets its guard down. I suggest you cultivate similar patience in 2026, Gemini.

There’s no need to rush toward what you want.

Position yourself correctly and wait for moments of opportunity. You're playing a long game.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Atmospheric rivers are massive moisture highways in the sky. Meteorologists have been documenting newly identified patterns in how these marvels work. They’ve learned that tiny changes in ocean temperature can redirect thousands of miles of incoming rain. This will be an excellent metaphor for you in 2026, dear Cancerian.

You’ll be in atmospheric-river mode. Small shifts in perspective and slight recalibrations of intention will send your momentum flowing in different and better directions. No drama required! Simple micro-adjustments will reroute larger currents.

Attend devotedly and zestfully to the subtleties.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Certain fungi can break down pollutants like pesticides and plastics into less toxic substances. These mushrooms digest what's considered indigestible, transforming poison into nutrients.

I suspect you will have a metaphorically comparable capacity in 2026, dear Leo: a superpower that enables you to metabolize blight and taint. I predict you will exult as you eliminate stuff that’s useless and harmful.

Please indulge your unusual talent to the max!

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): The US Library of Congress adds 60,000 items to its collection every week but only catalogs a fraction of them immediately. So vast amounts of knowledge sit there, acquired but not yet processed, waiting for librarians to create the finding aids that make them accessible. You're in a similar situation, Virgo. You’ve accumulated extraordinary amounts of information, experience, and skill. But how much of it is cataloged?

How much is accessible when you need it? In the coming months, I hope you *won’t* acquire more.

Instead, you will spend time with your archives and process what you have already gathered. What do you know that you've forgotten you know? What experiences hold wisdom you’ve never extracted?

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Vault doors often require *two* keys, turned simultaneously, to open. Why? Such a practice furthers risk reduction and fraud prevention. Let’s make this a potent metaphor for you in 2026, Libra. It will symbolize cooperation and balance as well as an enhancement of your security.

The treasures you’ll be trying to access will require dual input. One key is yours: intellect, agility, charm, initiative. The second must come from a collaborator, mentor, friend, an unexpected stranger, or even a spirit guide. Just assume that the vault won’t open through brilliance alone. It will require synchronization.

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SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): In December 1968, US astronaut Bill Anders was orbiting the moon inside the Apollo 8 spacecraft. He snapped a photo that showed the Earth as a blue-and-white sphere rising over the gray lunar surface against the blackness of space.

This iconic image helped fuel the environmental movement and transformed how humans visualized their home. You’re at a comparable pivot, Scorpio. In 2026, you will see familiar situations from new angles, and this will reorganize your understanding of how life works.

That’s a good thing! Be alert for watershed moments that bring revolutionary blessings.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): The Giant's Causeway in Northern Ireland is made of 40,000 interlocking basalt columns formed when ancient lava cooled and contracted. Legend says a giant built it as a bridge to Scotland. Both stories are true, one geologically and the other mythologically. Your life in the coming months will remind you that multiple explanations can coexist without canceling each other. The scientific story of lava cooling doesn't make the giant story less meaningful. The giant story doesn't make the geology less accurate. Conclusion: You don’t have to choose between competing narratives about your life as if only one can be true. What if both are? The practical explanation and mythic explanation describe the same phenomenon from different angles. You can be both the cooling lava and the giant building the bridge.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Computer scientist Tim Berners-Lee invented the World Wide Web. He helped ensure its core technologies were released to the world without patents or royalties. Universal, open access mattered more to him than personal profit.

That single decision was a profound gift to the world. Billions benefited. In his generous spirit, dear Capricorn, I’ll ask whether there are any ideas, knowledge, or resources you’re holding in reserve that could multiply through sharing.

In 2026, I invite you to be like Berners-Lee: a magnanimous strategist who understands that things may gain value through distribution, not restriction. Your intelligence will be worth more unleashed than protected. Your innovations will need the crowd to fulfill their purpose AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): In the myths of Mali’s Dogon people, Nommo is an amphibious, telepathic being who brought language, rhythm, and balance to Earth—and then departed. If things fall out of harmony, it's believed, Nommo will return, speaking the lost syllables that realign the cosmos. You’re a bit like Nommo these days, Aquarius. Parts of your world may be in disarray, and your sacred task is to listen for the lost syllables. What’s missing in the dialogue?

What notes aren’t being sung? If you seek gently and speak truly, restoration will follow.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): The longest chess game theoretically possible is 5,949 moves, but most games end in under 40. Chess masters don't win by seeing every possibility. Instead, they recognize patterns and anticipate which paths are worth exploring. Let’s apply this as a useful metaphor, Pisces. In 2016, it’s crucial that you don’t waste energy by considering improbable scenarios that will never materialize.

You should be determined not to miss emerging themes because you're too busy calculating unlikely variations. According to my prognosis, you don't need to see further; you need to see more precisely and accurately. The chess master's advantage isn't exhaustive analysis; it's knowing what to ignore. Ninety percent of your options don't matter. Ten percent do.

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REAL ESTATE & RENTALS | ROOMMATES | JOBS | SERVICES ANNOUNCEMENTS | CLASSES & WORKSHOPS | MIND, BODY, SPIRIT MUSICIANS’ SERVICES | PETS | AUTOMOTIVE | XCHANGE | ADULT Want to advertise in Marketplace? 828-251-1333 advertise@mountainx.com • mountainx.com/classifieds If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. Remember the Russian proverb: “Doveryai, no proveryai,” trust but verify. When answering classified ads, always err on the side of caution. Especially beware of any party asking you to give them financial or identification information. The Mountain Xpress cannot be responsible for ensuring that each advertising client is legitimate. Please report scams to advertise@mountainx.com REAL ESTATE REAL ESTATE SERVICES WESLEY FINANCIAL GROUP, LLC TIMESHARE CANCELLATION EXPERTS Over $50,000,000 in timeshare debt and fees canceled in 2019. Get free informational package and learn how to get rid of your timeshare! Free consultations. Over 450 positive reviews. Call 844213-6711 . (NC Press)

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SALES ASSOCIATE Work for a local company that has covered the local scene for 30 years! Mountain Xpress newspaper is a supportive, team-oriented environment serving local readers and businesses. We are seeking an experienced and enthusiastic advertising sales representative. Ideal candidates are personable, organized, motivated, and can present our company with confidence. Necessary skills include clear and professional communications (via phone, email, and in-person meetings), detailed record-keeping, and self motivation. Experience dealing with varied and challenging situations is helpful. The position’s responsibilities include account development and lead generation (including cold-calling), account management, assisting clients with marketing and branding strategies. If you are a high energy, positive, cooperative person looking to join an independent media organization, please send a resume and cover letter (no walk-ins, please) explaining why you are a good fit for Mountain Xpress to: xpressjob@ mountainx.com. This is a noncommissioned position.

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ACROSS 1 Posterior 5 Unadventurous 10 Growth on one side of trees 14 Psalm starter 15 Home to the renowned Khan el-Khalili bazaar 16 Woes 17 Posterior 18 “An assault on the eyes, the ears, the brain, common sense and the human desire to be entertained” (1998) 20 “No” vote 21 Jewish ceremony performed eight days after birth 22 “Over here!”

23 “To love ___ is the beginning of a lifelong romance”: Oscar Wilde 25 Simple songs 28 With 34-Across, “Like taking a bus trip with someone who has needed a bath for a long time” (2000) 30 Fannie ___ 31 Work of Congress 32 Price you pay 33 Loch viewed from the village of Drumnadrochit 34 See 28-Across 37 Pa Clampett on “The Beverly Hillbillies” 38 “I hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated this movie. Hated it.” (1994) 39 [Sigh] 40 Amazon wrapper 41 Film locale 42 QB Brady 43 “A two-hour movie squeezed into three hours” (2001) 48 One who may end on a high note 50 Filmmakers with distinctive styles 51 Like a die-hard fan 52 Book after Judges

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63 Apple product introduced in 2010

12 Advisory in a school zone 13 ID with two hyphens 19 Abbr. before a year 21 One might precede “Excuse you!”

24 Ballpark figures 25 Homeowner’s proof of purchase 26 Right direction?

27 Meeting, slangily 29 Worrier’s opening words 33 ___ Dame 34 See 58-Across 35 Potatoes, in Indian cuisine 36 Runs amok 37 Juan : Spanish :: ___ : Portuguese 38 Below, poetically

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1 Mingle 2 Lizard with an oceangoing subspecies nicknamed Godzilla 3 “Wait!”

4 Once-common pesticide banned in 1972 5 Color of a literary “A” 6 Tax on imports 7 Gets ready to fire 8 Nest egg inits.

9 Disorderly heap of people 10 “There’s a traitor in our ___!”

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40 Drinking sprees 41 One way to get to an airport 43 Modest poker holding 44 Big name in upscale fashion 45 Unfair accusation 46 Jenna of “Beetlejuice Beetlejuice” 47 Answered an invitation 49 People looking for hookups, informally 52 Car at an auction, maybe 54 Part of a Bahama Mama 55 Belt in judo 56 “You ___!” (words of agreement) 57 Letter after chi

ANSWER TO PREVIOUS NY TIMES PUZZLE

S C A B T U B C O B A I N C A S E E R R E V E N S O O P T I C A L I L L U S I O N S T E L M O F R O G S F I R E U P I I I J V S A A S M E D I A S R I R A C H A EYE M A S K D O I D A R E D O R I T O S R O A D S T E R U R G E S C R I S P B Y E K Y D A B S S A M P L E B U D I C E H E R O N A M B I G U O U S F I G U R E R A D A N E W C A R E L L E U R N E S S R A B B I T DEC. 31, 2025 - JAN 6, 2026

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