It’s the Disclaimer’s 10th anniversary! Join us at Broadways this Friday at 9:30 p.m. for festivities that will include music and festivities!
Finally Acting Our Age (10) Briefs
Feigned outrage over GoTopless protest good a reason as any for local man to watch GoTopless protest
Both political parties jostling for Bruce Springsteen campaign-song supremacy
Asheville makes list for “Top-10 List City, USA” list
Other lists/honors that have featured Asheville: • River City • Beer City • Drunkenly Drown in a River City • USA’s Top Cities to Add for Lazy Freelance Writers • America’s best cities to throw reason to the wind, relocate, and blow your retirement money as proprietor of an olive oil/dog bakery/ knick-knack shoppe for 3 months before reality sets in • Come for the unconventional people, stay for the judging of the unconventional people • Most exciting place for old people to come and do nothing • Best city to turn your overnight interest in home-brewing into a money-gushing nightmare of a micro-brewery (dogs welcome) • Best city to play “Where’s Waldo?” with ethnic minorities • America’s best place to leave your mountain bike/kayak strapped to the top of your Suburu Legacy a month after your most recent biking/kayaking trip • Best Places in America to eat if you’re not eating in a medium-tolarge-sized city
Out & About with Your Best Friend Barb, the Bipolar Optimist I’M GETTING OUT OF BED NOW OR NEVER SO LET’S GO! There’s still almost a month of summer left so there’s still forever for us to do some hiking and swimming and waterfall climbing and we could probably start a little freaking village and a whole new way of life somewhere or just camp, seriously! I’ve hardly done a thing this summer so far but that’s OKAY! I’ve been resting up since winter — we have to get our rest! Usually I perk up in the springtime but boy was I tired! I’m feeling super refreshed so up-up-up, it’s time to get out of bed because there’s so much to dooooo! • Outdoor activities. First off, I want to kayak but I want to do it standing atop the kayak and I want to surf down some Class-IX rapids so I’ll buy two kayaks at the kayak store as soon as my new credit card arrives and then we’re going out dancing ASAP! ASAP! I’m crazy-bored so can we ﬁnally do something, sheesh! • Tackle a project. Late summer is probably the best time of the year to stay up all night and clean your oven (just like Aunt Melissa!) because the sound of school buses on the street outside in the early morning will let you know it’s time to start your day, and will also take you back to your childhood and the cold, lonely, dark mornings spent waiting in dread on the side of the road for a lift to the Bully Factory but now I’m old enough to take a snoozer until the feeling passes in a week or whenever and then we can watch infomercials and religious paid programming and keep the shades closed tight, let’s go! • Scavenger hunt. I left my wet laundry in a washing machine inside a 24-hour laundromat back in April and couldn’t bring myself to get out of the car and retrieve it so now I’m organizing a search-and-rescue party, and I’m chain-smoking out the details right now! • Try new activities. Mornings are getting cold and that means I want to eat two large cookie cakes, sheesh! Then we can skip a shower, really dig into some celebrity gossip online but don’t check your account balance when there are lucid-dreaming
experiments to experiment, seriously! • Biking. I have about 20 ideas of how we can get famous just from riding our bikes Sorry I’ve been such around and if a bad friend lately! we really start peddling now, we can spend Christmas at a press junket instead of in our apartment listening to a phone that doesn’t stop ringing and the Caller ID looks like my personal “Do Not Call Ever List” and also a list of my emergency contacts and just thinking about it makes my cuticles bleed but don’t look in your childhood bedroom because if the light bulb is burned out you won’t be able to talk for a month, I’m kidding but when the Darkness sweeps over me it makes me mumble like crazy, sheesh! • Meet someone new. I’m going on an end-of-summer man-hunt before the leaves die and fall to the ground and nothing matters and the air feels like I’m 10 again and there’s no point to any of it, up-up-up you go! We’ll have dates for Thanksgiving and our sisters will see our perfect boyfriends and apologize for sabotaging our relationships with family members and males in general and also new friends we bring home, and I’d also like to go to a swimming pool but don’t talk to me about what I’m doing with my life because I may get paralyzed and drown! I’m kidding, let’s go! • Pick berries. Everything is going to be different but no matter how many Red Bulls I drink I feel exhausted except sometimes I can REALLY FEEL IT. We can be friends or soulmates but we can’t do both while sitting in this freaking waiting room with the waterfall fountain and posters of birds in ﬂight, sheesh! We have to pick a suitcase full of blueberries and form permanent happy memories that are surrounded by a bright halo of blueberry glow and the still-frames of my life movie will look like the greatest Instagram feed ever, let’s goooooo!
Summer Things for Yoooou to Doooooo!
Big Box anal bleaching vs. Asheville’s
“Bleach Locally” movement Just when you think it’s safe to celebrate one of the shining success stories at the nexus of the Asheville cultural scene and service industry, a low-rent, ﬂy-bynight national chain is storming in to crash the party. As with any other business in any other town, once the bloody smell of cash is in the water, it’s only a matter of time until the big sharks chew every little competitor to bits. Now in Asheville our multiple and thriving indie anal-bleaching salons have come under ﬁre from the Big Box competition of Smarti’s, Inc. “What a shame,” said Johnny Alabaster, who built his Haywood Street anal salon, Assterisk, up from a hole-in-the-wall whitening service. “The corporation that runs Smarti’s doesn’t have any appreciation for what it takes to pioneer your way from a spit and polish shine-jobber to be the kingpin of a local way of life. These guys are only interested in the scent of money; they can’t understand that when you’re looking at a potential bleach job, you’re looking at a human being, not just a little, round ATM.” Bennie Capuletti, proprietor of Oh, That O-Ring!, started his business when Johnny Alabaster’s had to increase wait times due to sheer popularity. “There’s no one I’d sooner trust my anus to than Johnny, but I couldn’t just sit there, going down the color chart from café au lait to Maxwell House. But I’ll sit on a burnt umber embarrassment before I’ll grab ankles at a scrub-and-sting factory like Smarti’s. The place is a disgrace to the oriﬁce.” Local anal-ists fear that the coming price war will tear the heart out of the trade. From the comforting, white-coat professionalism of The Brightwhite Bullseye Bleachery, to the classy, gleaming white statuary of Rings of Olympus, the personal touch of the anal-salon specialist is in danger of disappearing briskly. Enjoy the privilege to the bitter end. The Asheville Disclaimer is parody/satire. Contact firstname.lastname@example.org Twitter: @AvlDisclaimer
Michele Scheve, Joe Shelton, Cary Goff, Tom Scheve.
mountainx.com • AUGUST 22 - AUGUST 28, 2012 77