Find upcoming stand-up comedy events in Asheville at www.DisclaimerComedy.com and you should follow us on Twitter at @AVLDisclaimer.
Like a Loose Cannon, but Looser Briefs
APD evidence room update: Summary of brieﬁng addressing thumbnail sketch of incomplete audit report recap may be partially released following cursory review NCDOT inspecting tunnels in Haywood County
‘Haywood tunnels very similar to Large Haldron Collider, except instead of atoms smashing into each other it’s the Tuscola High class of 1981’
Asheville Citizen-Times activates online pay wall, requests readers not utilize private browsing function or delete cookies from AC-T site out of respect for pay wall
Proﬁles of WNC Olympic Courage
Name: Dale Shepherd Event: Large Hill Ski Jump, ‘64 Prior experience in ski jump before ‘48 Olympics: Recreational snow-tubing, Maggie Valley. On making the Olympic team: “It was unexpected. My father was ﬁshing buddies with a state senator whose son was on the U.S. Olympic ski jumping team selection committee. It was the ﬁrst year that sport was recognized as a medal competition, in Maggie Valley at least.” On the ‘48 Olympics: “I was surprised by just how different Olympic large-
hill ski jumping is from snow-tubing. There’s no ‘donut hole’ in which to wedge your bottom for maximum safety. While snow-tube jumps are pretty tame, I recall the landings for the Olympic ski jump to be pretty dicey and I haven’t been able to get out of bed in the morning without screaming for 48 years now.” Other memories: “When I returned home, local hippies spat on me. Not for political reasons, that’s just what mountain hippies did back then. They were awful, the whole lot of them.”
Farm hosts animal feeding program The Historic Smith Farm will host on Saturday the feeding of their livestock. Please bring a smile and 500 pounds of feed. Do you have any of those giant hay bale rolls? We need about 60 of those. We didn’t know what we were signing up for when we started this historic farm earlier this year.
when you break the rules and open your eyes is not admissible in a court of law because you shouldn’t have seen that unfortunate episode in the ﬁrst place. Additionally, rumors about an episode in last week’s noon class, full of yoga practitioners who should have had their eyes closed anyhow, are not to be discussed any further by other classes. The noon class has been dissolved.
Living: Community Briefs
UK terrorist plan foiled by plotters’ marital dispute. Yes, that’s really what he was going to wear to the suicide bombing
Nature Walk at Dusk The Blue Ridge Parkway will be hosting an identiﬁcation hike of bats found in WNC. When the aggressive spider bat becomes tangled in your hair following a warning swoop, remain still so that other hikers can safely identify the bat without any need of throwing you off the mountain because your ﬂailing about has become a personal safety liability. Free to the public.
Asheville street cleaner who can’t locate the caked-vomit scraper ‘having one of those weeks-after-Bele-Chere’
Learn about Celtic culture Asheville Parks, Recreation and Cultural Arts is hosting a primer on Celtic culture entitled “Ayh’nin, Ween & Ishanow? Isha?” Admission is free if you have Celtic symbols tattooed on your body.
George Zimmerman apologizes to Travon Martin’s family while sitting on attorney’s lap as attorney drinks glass of water without otherwise moving lips
Meditation classes offered There’s nothing to get upset about on Friday mornings at 10 a.m. at the Montford Community Center, especially when everyone received clear instructions (acknowledgement of which was uniformly exhaled) to keep their eyes closed for duration of the asana. Whatever you see
Children enjoy visit from therapy dog Love Nip is a golden retriever therapy dog, is kind of bad about jumping up on people, and his handlers are very sorry about this. According to the Web site, Love Nip still thinks he’s itty-bitty, and although he does jump on small children, he is not trying to scare them; Love Nip doesn’t know what a big galoot he has become! Let Love Nip approach you; do not reach out toward Love Nip. Love Nip practices patience, respect, cooperation, acceptance, evasive techniques, saliva overproduction, “the soothing sound of dog claws clattering on tile ﬂoor while Love Nip strains his handler’s leash in the presence of a child in motion,” and a hatred of moving bicycles that may have something to do with a traumatic event before Love Nip was rescued three months ago but records of the event have been sealed by the State of North Carolina.
The Dark Knight Rises’ Bane = Bain Capital? Rush Limbaugh has postulated that The Dark Knight Rises’ character “Bane” is a thinly veiled swipe at Mitt Romney and Bain Capital. Other Batman connections Limbaugh has uncovered: Catwoman: Michele Bachmann, though she looks frumpy in the costume. Penguin: Mitch McConnell, well-known for wearing a monocle in DC-area bathhouses. Joker: Glenn Beck, when off his meds, of course. Riddler: Herman Cain, whose come-on lines are always phrased in the interrogative. Dr. Freeze: Newt Gingrich, whose moon colony plan is currently on ice. Mr. Freeze: Also Newt, but without his honorary community college credential. Two-face: John Boehner with and without tanning spray.
Beat the Heat Part 9 in a 16-part series
• Place a bowl of ice cubes in front of a ﬂoor fan and lie down in front of it and lick the ice cubes while the fan blows room-temperature (hot) air into your face. It feels awesome.
• Seal the space around the window A/C unit using cardboard, plastic wrap, aluminum foil, balled-up pages from In Touch Weekly, and tape or something else sticky, like maybe contact paper? You can use all kinds of crap to sort-of seal up the window space around the A/C unit.
• Fan strategically. Position yourself directly in front of fan and “box out” smaller family members or roommates. Don’t get bogged down holding territory in Europe or push too far into Russia.
Correction To address an oversight that has been brought to our attention by a multitude of upset readers in recent days, we neglected last week to run our regular feature “Beat the Heat,” which is a 16-part series of informative articles describing ways you, the reader, can beat the heat (in the sense of “cooling down” not “a nonsensical description that offers nothing but frustrating distraction upon analysis under the influence of intoxicants”). The series, now in its 10th week and ninth installment, resumes above. We apologize for any difficulty our readers experienced this week while flailing at the sun and screaming at God in a confused and unfocused attempt to beat the heat.
The Asheville Disclaimer is parody/satire. Contact firstname.lastname@example.org Twitter: @AvlDisclaimer Michele Scheve, Joe Shelton, Tom Scheve.
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Published on Aug 1, 2012