Asheville Disclaimer by Tom Scheve
Find local live standup comedy events at www.DisclaimerComedy.com (and you should follow us on Twitter at @AVLdisclaimer).
asheville disclaimer The Most Beloved Page in All the Land
$5 billion in sales and only 23 fatalities — Black Thursday was a success! By Martin Walski, retail baron We did it! Black Thursday was a success. Without you, it would’ve been impossible to yank away my employees from their families on Thanksgiving and overstaff my stores in anticipation of the drooling, mindless, bargain-loving masses! So thank you for spending your precious holiday time with the Walski retail family. Enough is not enough! Rolling back Black Friday to occur a day earlier was so successful that we all know what happens next. Do we really have the patience to roll the sales back hour-by-hour until two or three years from now Black Friday occurs on Thanksgiving Eve? Let’s be forwardthinking and go ahead and announce that Black Friday is now the ﬁrst Tuesday in March. And here’s a couple new deals for you! • Sneak-a-peek Sale: You pay for the item on Gray Thursday, and pick it up Black Friday. • No-peek Sale: We describe an item to you using only large, sweeping gestures. You buy it Thursday, and ﬁnd out what you bought on Friday. • You give us cash, we weigh it and give you something of equal weight (within one week). • You pay us a lump sum any time in October and we will deliver cheap electronics and the year’s must-have toy sometime before January. • If you trample another customer and it makes the news—with our logo clearly visible—everyone involved gets 10 percent off. • Blind-leading-the-blind auction: You bid for unknown items without knowing how much others are bidding or if others are bidding. Going once …
Asheville Disclaimer is parody/satire Contact: firstname.lastname@example.org
Twitter: @AVLdisclaimer Contributing this week: Tom Scheve
DEcEmBER 4 - DEcEmBER 10, 2013
Someone at Mojo Coworking keeps making boobs with 3-D printer ASHEVILLE, MONDAY — A brand new 3-D printer that can create physical objects as large as a basketball, from designs ranging from simple to complex, has been made available to the people of Asheville free of charge, as soon as the current print job — which many believe is a pair of giant breasts — is ﬁnished. Mojo Coworking is where entrepreneurs share ofﬁce space, bounce ideas off each other and wait for Scott down the hall to ﬁnish printing a realistic plastic facsimile of boobs off a $6,000 3-D printer. Even President Obama referred to this new technology in his last State of the Union address. “3-D printing has the potential to revolutionize the way we approach a printer tray in shock and horror, demanding to know, ‘Who printed this?’ and ‘What’s wrong with you?’” announced the president. Brian, an industrial designer who accesses the 3-D printer at Mojo Coworking, marvels at the ability to print three-dimensional objects. “Instead of waiting weeks for a machinist to produce a prototype
Shopping is extremely dangerous. When you are bargain-hunting, you are being hunted by patient, cunning predators. Try to stay alive and unrobbed! • Never shop alone. Shop in groups of at least ﬁve panicked, nervous shoppers clutching their purses and wallets to their chest and moving together in a defensive phalanx.
A boob jam, above, is cleared from the 3-D printer. for a new product based off our designs, we can wait just six hours for Scott down the hall to ﬁnish printing realistic boobs,” said Brian. “Better yet, he thinks he may have hit ‘print’ several times, so we could be waiting until next Tuesday for the three-dimensional boobs to ﬁnish printing.” “I wasn’t sure if it was working, so I hit ‘print’ about a dozen times,” said Scott. “Also, I don’t think the boobs that are printing are the ones I am printing. Someone else did those. I think my print job is actually next.”
Asheville families blast retailers for ‘Gray Thursday’ sales while standing in line outside retailers on Thanksgiving ASHEVILLE, TUESDAY — Forced to celebrate Thanksgiving a day early this year, Asheville mother Julie Banner is highly critical of retailers who offered large sales on Thanksgiving day. “I have no choice but to scrap my family traditions because these retailers are now offering discounts on Thanksgiving, thus forcing me to stand in line on this holiday instead of spend time at home with my family,” said Banner. Other residents mourned the change as well. “I miss when you could enjoy Thanksgiving and not spend the day standing in line to save a few bucks on Christmas shopping,” said Kris Cantley, while standing in line on Thanksgiving evening to save a few bucks on Christmas
Shopping Safety Tips
shopping. “But we have no choice. No choice whatsoever. None.” When learning that Toys R Us opened at 5 p.m. on Thanksgiving day, the Morris family stopped midblessing, threw the Thanksgiving meal in the trash and dutifully trudged out to the store. “I can’t believe they are forcing us to do this,” said patriarch John Morris. “It was one thing when we spent the entirety our kids’ fall break camping on the sidewalk like refugees for Black Friday sales. Now we have to pull them out of school a week early to camp out in time.”
• If you must park in a poorly lit portion of the parking lot, don’t wait to be attacked — attack ﬁrst. The best defense is a strong offense. • Keep cash in your front shirt pocket and never bend forward. • Don’t leave new merchandise exposed in cars. Display last year’s merchandise to disgust and dishearten potential thieves.
• Don’t pull money out in front of others, especially thieves posing as cashiers. When shopping, err on the side of safety and leave your cash, debit and credit cards at home.
• As soon as you enter a sales scenario, assault the weakest shopper you see. This will gain you the respect of more seasoned, hardened shoppers. • As soon as you exit your car, play dead. • Join a gang.
• Eye-gouges and groin-kicks are universally accepted currencies.
• Monitor the social media activity of your friends, coworkers and neighbors. When you know they are en route to major sales events, burn down their homes. This is more of a longterm “shopping safety” strategy. • Tell a loved one where you are going to be shopping and then shop somewhere else to throw them off the trail. • If you pause to stand in line, you are as good as dead. • Keep your car keys in your mouth.
• Don’t trust anyone unless they wear a collared shirt and khaki pants.
• Beware of the “useless gift card sold to a complete idiot by a stranger in the parking lot, you idiot” trick. • Keep your receipt when you buy a prescratched, winning lottery ticket as an impulse purchase following your gift-card purchase. • If nobody tries to rob you, you are horrible at picking out gifts. Return them for store credit and purchase a discount gift card from someone in the parking lot instead.