Asheville Disclaimer by Tom Scheve
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Briefs Cherokee start construction on second casino despite imminent Poltergeist scenario Jack Daniels sues local distiller, fearing customers will confuse local product’s packaging with J.D.’s iconic square bottle Others fear that consumers of either product will confuse themselves with Hollywood stuntmen
South Carolina man shoots 600-lb bear, makes rug that ‘really ties the gigantic room together’ 3 Swannanoa teens shock local police by breaking into cars, having apparently mastered use of opposable thumbs Proposed River Arts District development will have all necessary amenities, including complimentary ﬁrst-ﬂoor snorkels for imminent ﬂooding Downtown Asheville improvement meeting declares need for reducing amount of dog feces, snobbishly marginalizing poop proponents Fungus devastates WNC bat population Residents upset that homes can feature one, but not both Asheville Disclaimer is parody/satire Contact: email@example.com
Twitter: @AVLdisclaimer Contributing this week: Joe Shelton, Lake Furney, Tom Scheve 32
octoBER 30 - noVEmBER 5, 2013
Don Yelton bridges political divide
ASHEVILLE, MONDAY — Recently banished Buncombe County GOP precinct chair Don Yelton bridged the political divide gripping this nation with an appearance on The Daily Show in which he discussed race and the voter ID law in North Carolina, prompting citizens from across the nation and along all points of the political spectrum to band together and publicly ridicule his thoughts, ideas and beliefs. Yelton’s expansive statements — regarding “the lazy blacks,” “the negras” and, as he lamented that he is not allowed to call them because he himself is an industrious white, the “n-words” — proved to be thought provoking to the public, and all the thoughts that were provoked were of shock and outrage. In regard to his use of racial epithets during his interview on The Daily Show, Yelton commented, “I’m not afraid to call a spade a spade.” “As I clariﬁed during a followup interview with WWNC host Pete Kaliner, I merely pointed out that n-words can call each other n-words but I can’t call a n-word the n-word,” said Yelton.
Having been shunned by both major political parties, Yelton’s political ambitions have been thwarted at every turn by each political party he has been a member of while actively a member, and he ﬁnds himself running out of local organizations he can torpedo with his membership. In addition to the Buncombe County GOP and North Carolina GOP, the KKK has also distanced itself from Yelton, citing the difﬁculties an association with him creates in gaining new members. “At this point my only option is to launch my own political party so that I can ruin it through my active participation in it,” said Yelton. Other topics brought up by Don Yelton but left on cutting-room ﬂoor by The Daily Show editors: • Gay marriage (with a heavy lisp) • A spirited defense of the word “retard” • Jon Stewart’s religion and its relevance to control of the media • “Moral looseness” vs. “physical looseness” • The voting habits of grown-up 1980s crack babies as evidenced in the 2008 and 2012 presidential elections • Loopholes in Gettysburg Address
Open letter to Don Yelton Dear Don, It certainly is unfortunate that you’ve embarrassed yourself nationally, in an interview for television’s The Daily Show. It is equally unfortunate that you’ve dragged me into the center of your controversial statements. Again. In fairness, during all the years you’ve asserted that I was your “black friend,” we’ve enjoyed a number of great laughs on the subject. You’ve introduced me as “your black friend” at gatherings. You’ve ironically referred to me as “your black friend” when you’ve painted yourself into a rhetorical corner where your overt racism seemed obvious to all. Remember the time you lamented that you’d been blackballed by the local Moose Club, and then shot me a knowing glance and a giggling aside: “no offense?” Good times. But the simple fact is, I am not your black friend, Don, and I have never understood your confusion on the
subject. When I ﬁrst emigrated from Sweden, I knew that being Scandinavia’s only living albino Swede would present a number of challenges, but I thought they would mostly revolve around ﬁnding my favorite pickled herring in the grocery store or staying away from sunlight, artiﬁcial light, and even the happy glow emitted by American optimism. But no. For the last time, Don, I AM WHITE. I am the whitest whitey white person since the invention of white. Other white people do not pale in comparison. Well-wishing, do-gooder mobs have attempted to extinguish my hair. I don’t get snow-blindness; snow gets meblindness. For the last time, stop calling me your black friend, or I will be on you like me on rice. Respectfully, your long-time white friend, Sven Gundersson
Govt. workers dismayed by end of govt. shutdown WNC, TUESDAY — With the government shutdown now behind them, many federal workers are wrestling with the resumption of dissatisfying, redundant and insufferably boring jobs. “I’d almost forgotten how interesting and diverse life could be,” said James Fitz, manager at a federally owned Waynesville warehouse. Fitz looks to be struggling to breathe, but his face eventually softens. “I think about ending it … for everybody. But by the time I’d ﬁll out the necessary paperwork, I’d be dead anyway.” Even in what most would consider an ideal environment, the soul-sucking nature of working for a government-controlled entity can take its toll. Consider Kathy Pengus, a booth attendant at a Smokey Mountains National Park entrance, who describes the nearly Orwellian existence she’s had to resume: “It’s the same thing day after day, hour after hour. A car pulls up to the window, and I run through my mental checklist of government-mandated ‘public engagement protocols.’ The questions are always the same.” Pengus’ eyes widen, her voice becoming a slow, hypnotic monotone. “‘How far does this road go? What’s the best part to see? Where do we go to see Smokey the Bear?’” Fortunately, not all “fed emps” are bemoaning their failure to escape the life draining tedium of such rigidly regulated jobs. Take Gerald Klipsen, application processer at the U.S. General Services Administration in Asheville. “I’m so grateful to be back to work,” beams Klipsen. “I missed my cubicle. You know, the old building really grows on you after 38 years. The way the ﬂickering ﬂuorescent lights dance on the linoleum ﬂoors, the smell of mildew from the spots where the roof left puddles last time it rained. “Yep,” sighs Klipsen wistfully, “I really missed the old girl.” Klipsen shoots a quick glance around the room. “But I’ll tell you a secret,” he whispers. “What I missed most of all were my stamps.” Klipsen tenderly picks up a wood-handled rubber stamp from an impressive array on his cubicle desk. He uses them to mark what he estimates are 7,000 applications a day. Leaning in close, Klipsen adds, “I don’t tell everybody this, but I’ve given them all names.” Klipsen proceeds to describe the unique personalities of each one. Two particular stamps stand out: Marge, the cantankerous grump who takes perverse pleasure in placing her angry red ink on the unfortunate applications which are “DENIED,” and Oliver, who enthusiastically leaves his mark upon any applications which ﬁt the category of “MORE INFO NEEDED.”