Asheville Disclaimer by Tom Scheve
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asheville disclaimer Asheville’s Truth & Reconciliation Commission
Briefs UNCA prof discovers previously unknown selfie of Lincoln, in which Abe sensuously removes white glove with his teeth ‘Escape from the Taliban’ author executed by Taliban sympathizers while composing 2nd edition addendum: ‘Nyah nyah na nyah nyah’ Koch Brothers back ads featuring a creepy Uncle Sam violating patient’s orifices to dissuade electorate from singing ‘I’m a Yankee Doodle Dandy’ during cavity examination Asheville Disclaimer is parody/satire Contact: email@example.com
Twitter: @AVLdisclaimer Contributing this week: Joe Shelton, Art Sturtevant, Tom Scheve
North Carolina bans relationships between men, sea RAleigh, MondAy — After hearing Looking Glass’ classic song, “Brandy,” North Carolina’s General Assembly acted quickly to outlaw “any Godless union between a man and a sea.” Governor Pat McCrory is expected to sign the so-called “You Have To Marry Brandy” act into law in the next few hours. In a prepared statement, N.C. Senate President Pro Tem Phil Berger said, “It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Intercoastal Waterway.”
Asheville Citizen-Times City Marathon boosts local economy, reports last remaining AC-T staff member following latest round of layoffs Asheville, MondAy Chávez reports — A local marathon that serious runners hosted by the Asheville on average have a Citizen-Times will fuel household income of the local economy for more than $75,000, years to come, accordwhile less serious ing to a member of runners make far less the newspaper’s skelthan that and on aveton-crew staff who erage can’t get their wrote an article on the acts together. marathon’s economic “While the Citiimpact while running zen-Times Marathon on a treadmill that prowill feature particivides electricity to the pants who will spread editorial offices. money all over the “Former Citizencity during the race, Times staffers who participants in the now bus tables at Citizen-Times halfrestaurants along the marathon are undermarathon route can standably tight-fisted expect a larger tip-out Studies show the typical female with their money this weekend,” wrote runner is 39 years old, married, (you would be too if Karen Chávez in the college-educated, and makes you could only afford week leading up to the large purchases along race routes to run 13.1 miles) and is running away from self- and runners in the event. doubt and regret over life deciDespite Friday- sions that constantly nip at her Citizen-Times 5K are night street closures heels. The typical male runner is without exception for the Saturday- 44 years old, married, college-edu- impoverished slackmorning race, down- cated, and spends $100 on dinner ers,” wrote Chávez. town stores that sold during races and is a recovering As far as their running socks reported heroin addict who must outpace economic impact, a “small but noticeable his personal demons and log the Chávez reports runoccasional 90-mile ultra-run to uptick in business, “get off.” ners use GPS apps definitely.” on smartphones, and Mast General on buy running shoes Biltmore Avenue ofand Gatorade, so lofered a discount on cal GPS-app vendors Asheville- or Mast who dabble in GaGeneral-branded torade speculation items, so city planners are going to be big are adjusting longwinners when the term projections to acsmoke clears from count for increased tax the financial wildfire revenues generated that will rip through from sales of jellies, downtown with each sweet potato butter marathon event. and coffee mugs. If the economy “This city will be takes another downback on its financial turn in years ahead, feet once we have daiCitizen-Times publy five-hour foot races lisher Dave Neill has downtown,” said Mayor Terry Bellamy, pledged to shed a few more newsroom who added that while she would “totally jobs and add a few more miles to the race embrace” running 26.2 miles, her pastor to get the city back on its feet. advised against it.
The Food Section presents a new regular column:
The Horrible Dinner Guest
This week: The Paleolithic Diet Have friends and loved ones stopped rolling their eyes at your dietary requests? Have restaurant employees stopped coming out of the kitchen to look you over after the server has relayed your substitutions? Has mention of your eating habits failed to bring a fun gathering to a sudden, joyless end? If so, you’re going to be interested in the Paleolithic diet! Can you imagine the reaction of your father — who has finally become too progressive and open-minded to continue mocking your egg- and dairy- and glutenfree diet — when you tell him you only eat like a caveman now? How excited are you to glance at a meal your mother prepared after tirelessly learning how to cook lasagna using only algae and tell her you now prefer wild game meat? So excited! Here are a few lines that come with the Paleolithic diet: • “I’ve gone paleo.” [Advanced version in case people adjust to this: “I’ve gone paley.” • “That looks like something people ate a million years ago, gross. Do you have anything people ate 2.5 million years ago?” • “Genetically, my body is the same as it was before the advent of agriculture; you can’t imagine how ashamed I am of my tiny forehead and upright posture.” • “What is this, agrarian or something? Do you serve any smoothies from the Pleistocene era?” • “We’ve finally unlocked the secret to dying at the old age of 24.” • “I scored these nuts from a harvester who doesn’t even speak a language.” • “Break out the stoneware, girls! I’m having dinner with a hottie in my yoga class and he’s a total hunter-gatherer, if you know what I’m saying, dietarily speaking.”
octoBER 2 - octoBER 8, 2013