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Asheville Disclaimer by Tom Scheve


Find local live standup comedy events at (and you should follow us on Twitter at @AVLdisclaimer).

asheville disclaimer Now Featuring Font Technology

Briefs Governor McCrory ‘finds’ $10 million for teacher raises by walking 13 paces due east from skull-shaped rock, digging at large red ‘X’ Local woman skips own PhD dissertation defense for 105.9’s Miller Lite Rock Girls audition Man standing downtown with backpack, camping gear regrets flying to Asheville with only backpack, camping gear Sen. McCain’s inattentive video poker-playing during Syria hearings shocks even fellow committee member Marco Rubio, whose head during hearings was covered with plastic bag containing Japanese co-ed’s underwear Asheville Disclaimer is parody/satire Contact:

Twitter: @AVLdisclaimer Contributing this week: Joe Shelton, Cary Goff, Tom Scheve

Asheville performing arts calendar

• Monday: Man bobbing head really hard while waiting for bus. Does he hear music, or is the music just in his head? Will he kick the trash can in anger after looking at his cellphone and peering up the bus-less street? Futile eye-contact with passing female motorists every minute on the minute. • Wednesday: Unplanned, eerie gathering of accordion players downtown. A dream if you’re a human resources manager for a vaudeville show that’s doing a one-night-only charity show and lacks a big musical cue for stage appearance of a fat man playing a hilarious old fat white woman who serves as a visual prop for upcoming entrance of the sexy burlesque act. • Saturday: Photography session at Flat Iron sculpture downtown. Mr. Kincaid will be taking Kincaid-family portraits from 1:15 to 1:25 p.m.


SEPtEmBER 18 - SEPtEmBER 24, 2013

This week we introduce a new feature in our food section: Blue Plate Special A closer look at our readers’ favorite home-cooked meals This week’s Blue Plate Special comes to us from Asheville resident Craig J. Conway:

Divorcedparent dinner-cereal

Ideas for mixing it up? This is a meal that is built for variety. If witnesses are expected to arrive, serve up vitamin-fortified Tastee-O’s in your finest ceramic. Or, if you want to be the favorite parent, Choco-Blasts.

Tell us about your culinary specialty! An old family recipe, Side dishes? Dinner-cereal, an easy meal that my children eat Dinner-cereal goes any divorced parent with a full dinner-cereal three, well with whatever Netflix queue can prepare for sometimes four nights children-of-divorced-parents Daddy is watching on a week, depending on of all custodial ages. Netflix, or you can pair custody. That’s just it with a side of dollarnights. You can also eat dinner-cereal for aisle dolls in the privacy of your lockedbreakfast and lunch, so you can enjoy from-the-outside bedroom. 9-to-12 delicious meal-cereals a week And for dessert? while at Daddy’s apartment. Clean-up is as easy as hiding the threequarters-full Tupperware container full How do you make it? of soggy cereal somewhere where Daddy It’s easy to prepare. All you need is: • Cereal bowl or Tupperware container doesn’t have to mess it with it for a few or large coffee cup or cereal box with weeks. You can also play in the apartment parking lot until the neighbor’s opened bag porch light gets turned off or go straight • Cereal and/or cereal dust • Milk or watered-down milk depending to bed so you can get enough sleep to feel fully rested when you arrive at school on milk levels and grocery store hours during recess the next mid-morning. • Spoon or fun-fingers

This week in science Discoveries & Advancements

1854: Florence Nightingale, through her work during the Crimean War, establishes the foundation of modern nursing by bringing handfuls of sweets into patients’ rooms to lure in otherwise easilydistracted doctors. 1912: Marian Smoluchowski provides adequate explanation of why a perpetual motion machine cannot work, but fails to anticipate that a teenager’s texting finger on a cross-country family road trip remains in perpetual motion long after the exhaustion of Red

Bulls and Cheetos. 1943: Cheap mass production of antibiotics is achieved in the US during the second world war, allowing soldiers to be protected from wound infections and sexually transmitted diseases, allowing for the liberation by Allied forces of France. 1953: Clair Patterson determines the planet Earth is 4.6 billion years old by studying the decay rate of lead isotopes after months of failing to cut it open to count the rings.

Kid Care with Arnold

Arnold Crapacan is a Korean War veteran and member of the Woodfin Lions Club.

Dear Arnold, I’ve heard there’s a 3-day pottytraining method. Have you heard of this? Would you recommend it? — Dave Dear Dave, If you’re talking about the method of duct-taping the potty to your child, my experience has been there’s a lot of splashing and it makes hosing your kid off in the backyard a pain, so I would advise against it. I’ve tried other nonduct-tape based potty-training methods and I’d have to say they didn’t work. So continue with the duct tape, just expect it to take a few months.

Zombie Walk 2013 cancelled due to permitting issues Locations under consideration for “zombie flashmob” contingency plans: • ABCCM bag sale • Grand opening of N. Asheville dog park • Mission Hospital’s next free screening for hepatitis • Location gleaned from police scanner of APD’s assault calls • Medical tent at Asheville’s Octoberfest • Next health code inspection at Femcare • Upon sound of first offbeat cymbals clash at toddlers’ KinderMusik class

Mountain Xpress 09.18.13  

Independent news, arts and events for Western North Caorlina.

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