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This book is dedicated to Pirates everywhere both large and small


Bullets and Bones

Dread Pirate Written by RS Harding Illustrated by Kate Shannon

Monster Books


It was a dark and stormy night, But the Crooked Leg Tavern was cheery and bright. Then all of a sudden came a knock at the door – We all stopped our singing. The knock came once more.


And then gasped a voice, like gravel in a tin, ‘In the name of cod, let Poor Bones in! Get me a beer and find me a table.’ ‘I know you, don’t I?’ said the barmaid (named Mabel).


‘As a boy, in these parts, I was called Davy Jones – But call me Dread Pirate, Bullets and Bones.’ ‘ Bullets and Bones!’ the barmaid was wary, ‘I’ve heard people say he’s awfully scary.’


‘Not I,’ said the pirate, ‘I give you my word! I’m gentle and kind, haven’t you heard?’


There was a long silence, at which point Mad Pete, Pulled out of a hat his blue parakeet. The parakeet squawked. ‘Ooh, you’re such a big liar! You roasted foes toes on a burning hot fire.’


‘I didn’t, I wouldn’t, whatever you’re told. I just warmed their tootsies, because they were cold. I’m kind to babies, and elderly folk; All round I’m a pretty decent bloke.’


‘But did you not,’ asked the plumber – a thin man, named Shank, ‘Then force the poor men to walk up the plank?’


‘Oh yes, and I heard,’ said Grubbynose Parks, ‘That the water was full of ravenous sharks.’


At this Mr Bones shook his head sadly. ‘I would never, I hope, treat such gentle folk badly.


After the fire, they got terribly hot. We need a swim Mr. Bones, like it or not. Before I could stop them, they leapt into the sea. And they weren’t sharks but dolphins, actually.’


But then didn’t I hear,’ said Septimus Pile, ‘You made them swim all the way to Craggyback Isle.


And then I know, because I have been told, You made them dig through the night for lost pirate gold.’


Captain Bones cried. ‘Buried treasure! Nay, they were digging for FUN, aye – purely for pleasure. And the gold was for presents, I wrapped in pink parcels, To give out as prizes for building ... um ... sandcastles!


Then after this fun they went off to retire, And that’s why I’m here. I need a crew for hire. I’m Bullets and Bones, brigand and thief, So come with me now, I’m armed to the teeth.


We’ll nick from the rich and give to the poor, And dance by the fire on a piratey shore.


We’ll steal golden nuggets, diamonds and pearls, To make us all rich and give to the girls.’


Then Mabel piped up. ‘You’ve got to be joking? I’m not going out there, my hair will get soaking.’


Outside the wind howled – it couldn’t be wetter. ‘I agree,’ said old Bones, ‘lets stay ‘til its better.’ And at that we all gave a piraty cheer, So Bullets and Bones bought us all beer.


It was a dark and stormy night, But the Crooked Leg Tavern remained cheery and bright.


The End aaargggh!


Bullets and Bones by RS harding_bullets and bones