changing familytree oud vaderland
changing familytree 05-05-‘07
breaking up my family was not an option, not for me. as there are more commonly accepted options not allowed, for me. i live by strict rules. i believe in hard work, in ‘for better and for worse’, in endurence and putting matters in perspective. it’s my personal way to survive.
yes, i am old fashioned. i love having my children close to me day after day. i put an effort in raising them with the awareness of our heritage. the two days i have to miss them weekly feel like i’m beeing punished. i thought i’d get used to the arrangement but i fail.
friends tell me it’s better this way. they tell me its not reasonable to remain in a relationship because of our children. i am confused by a lot of people these days, i am confused by the perception of my generation.
yesterday, i met an old friend. he knew i divorced recently. the man asked me specific questions, the difficult ones concerning this period in my life. he really took his time. at the end of the conversation i turned around and started weeping, making sure that the friend and no other person could see me cry. i cried because i recognised the sincere attention that i had missed for so long. The attention i remember receiving in my youth. it is something i lost and would like to retrieve again.
you will reap what you sow, i know. we will reap what we have sowed. i worked to create stable children. i strive to nurture children who know the difference between right and wrong, who have faith in their own judgements and a strong sense of heritage.
we had to move. it’s an old house with a long hall and a lot of doors. my children seem to like it.
i am the first, while beeing surrounded by crumbling cornerstones, who is raising my kids by myself. Nobody ever thought me how to do this. never thought i would have to do this. my survival mechanism is threatened with extinction.
© mariska van zutven 2008
06- 19051707 email@example.com , www.mariskavanzutven.nl