Contributions by Hannah Howe A stone walked into my consulting room looking very depressed. “Take a seat,” I said. “How can I help you?” “I’m lacking in self-esteem,” the stone said. “I’m lacking in confidence.” “Don’t worry,” I said, “we can address those issues. But before we do, tell me, what are your long-term aims?” “Well,” the stone sighed, “I just wish I could be a little bolder…”
My friend Sally invited me to a barbecue. She’s a terrible ditherer, she couldn’t decide what to eat…the meat, the salad or the sweet treats. While she was trying to decide, she sat down, mistaking the grill for a chair. Yep, you’ve guessed it, she walked away with hot cross buns.
I was shocked to discover that my cat was pregnant. I was double shocked to discover that she’d also eaten a ball of wool. But everything turned out all right. She gave birth to mittens.
Mr and Mrs Slug decided to go on holiday, camping, near the beach. “I’m so excited,” said Mrs Slug, “I can’t wait to taste an ice cream. Can’t you go any faster?”
The blue ribbon event at our village fete is the snail race. Sidney, my snail, had been in training for six months, putting in the hard yards, but not making any progress. So, I devised a cunning plan - I removed his shell. Sadly, this didn’t work. In fact, if anything he became more sluggish...
“All in good time,” said Mr Slug, “we’ll get there soon enough.”
I’m super excited! Last night, I wrote a song! About tortillas. Although, on reflection, maybe it’s a (w)rap…
Mr Slug sighed then glared at the snail. “Patience, dear,” he said, “I’ll go faster once we pass this caravan.”
Then, when they rounded the shed corner, they encountered a snail. “Oh, this is so frustrating,” complained Mrs Slug. “Can’t you go any faster?”
Good news, I’ve got a new job washing dishes and the pay is excellent. Bad news, it’s at a radar station… - 40 -
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