PSYCHOLOGIES LAYOUT.indd 1
“BE THE PEACE YOU WISH TO SEE IN THE WORLD” - MARTIN LUTHER KING
JULY 2018 05/06/2018 17:00
first love lost. We have all been told how to get over a break-up and how we should feel when we are healed. When in reality, we want to know what is acceptable to feel immediately after the break-up. My personal heart ache led me down a terrifying and soul-searching path. It started with a king-size bed...
In December 2017 we decided tanding at the end of the king to buy a house together, I was sure -size bed, glaring at the single where my life was headed. Who pillow, and the obvious space would’ve thought I would of been so where one pillow seems to be wrong. missing. This is me comprehending The date that altered my life was the fact that I have had my heart broken. Just one of the implications I our 4 year anniversary, 10th February 2018. We exchanged cards in the never realised would effect me morning, my card explained, “I immensely. I will never sleep the know it has been a stressful couple of same again. months to set up our new house but I fall in love with you more and more Details. Everyone forgets the every day and I can’t believe how details when they are an everyday lucky I am to share my life with you”. occurrence. I remember the smell Richard’s card wrote, “To Molly, of his Chanel Bleu. The toothbrush charger flashing red intermittently at From Rich”. I questioned him, “from? night. His beady eyes in the morning Not even love from? That’s what you would give to your work colleague!”. when I turn over and see his face eagerly waiting for me to wake up. Massaging his head with the tips of my fingers and twisting them in his curls. Putting up our “M” and “R” decorations on the Christmas tree for our first Christmas in our new flat. The room we were in when I told him I loved him for the first time. Those moments seem to be as vivid as ever, now I know they are never going to be a part of my life again. Mine and Richard’s relationship was the fairytale I always desired. He was my first love, my first time, my first boyfriend, my first roommate. I wanted him to be my husband and the father to our children, I dreamed of us growing old together, I never knew I could be so happy and in love. I thought to myself everytime I looked into his eyes, “this is too good to be true”. I bragged to everyone saying, “he was my first and my last”. He would write me notes and was so adoring towards me, I felt like the only girl in the world. He made sure I was ready when I lost my virginity to him, he was the man I felt I finally deserved.
He tittered and I never thought anything of it. Later in the day we sat in a coffee shop in town, he nervously said, “I have a confession to make…” I assumed he was suggesting that he spent a lot of money on my anniversary present, he carried on, “I have been thinking about things and I am not sure about us anymore”. I laughed as if it were a cliché, “are you breaking up with me in a coffee shop?! Haha”. And he just looked at me oozing with guilt, and my face dropped. My heart sank to the floor. I thought I was going to be sick so I glanced around to find the nearest
toilet, I looked back at him and I knew this was a conversation I never thought I would have to go through. After talking…for a while! He began to explain that he does not love me anymore and my anxiety was part of the reason why he could not love me anymore, meaning he could not support me, and he actually didn’t find me attractive anymore, which validates why the sex stopped. Hearing that someone you still love with every vein you have, and to use your greatest insecurities about yourself against you…was devastating to say the least. It was indescribable how worthless, ugly, broken, emotionally beaten and nauseous I felt, I constantly thought of over and over again I was simply NOT. GOOD. ENOUGH. FOR. HIM.
He was going back and forth leaving me hanging on a single thread deciding whether I was worth fighting for, I was left for days not knowing where I was. Unfortunately at one point I was so hysterical and desperate for him to listen to me, I begged, “please don’t leave me, I want to be with you for the rest of my life. I love you, please don’t do this to me. I am willing to change everything I am so you won’t leave me. You can’t do this to me please!”
“HE WAS THE MAN I FELT I FINALLY DESERVED” JULY 2018 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 33
>>> I never thought I could be so weak...to change who I was as a person just to suit him. Eventually I knew I didn’t deserve to go through this torment, his six day delay of a final response was the most soulcrushing feeling I have ever had to encounter. I felt like he pushed me into a corner where I knew there was no where else to go. He wasn’t bold enough to say “it’s over”. So I had to tell the man I love with every inch of my being, that I couldn’t go through this pain anymore. One million questions were running through my mind at this point. What did I do wrong? Why did this happen to me? Is he cheating on me? What is going to happen to the house? Can I afford to live on my own? Was his plan to string me along so he could get on the property ladder? It was confusing and emotionally draining. Over a period of a couple weeks, I discovered evidence, piece by piece that he definitely cheated on me. Email confirmations from an online florist and a high street jewellers
planted the seeds of doubt. Then after he denied these confirmations, I then discovered receipts from the same jewellers, and a pack of condoms in his work bag in a zipped up pocket. Shaking with shock and betral, I confronted him once again and his reaction this time was screaming at me, I did not recognise this man glaring right at me. He calmed down and later pleaded for me to hear him out, “I would never cheat on you! That is the most disrespectful thing anyone could ever do. You have to trust me Molly, please”. I knew his cowardly response and denial clarified to me that I will never know the truth. I then started to analyse our relationship of where it may have gone wrong. Was he not having sex with me because he was with her? Everytime he went for a run, would he go to see her? Did he buy her a lot of gifts? Did he meet her at work? How long has this been going on for? The most harrowing question for me to ask was…has he fallen for her?
I have always been a communicative person, I knew we were different in that way as he would shurg off the emotion he felt and never looked back. I assumed if he was ever considering not being with me, he would at least confide in me before his decision was finally made. His actions have caused so much doubt of who I am as a person. I brought so much shame on myself and embarrassment for not seeing this coming. I felt stupid for telling my family and friends how madly in love I was with him. He was the better half of me that I knew I couldn’t live without, my best friend. I gave my whole life to him, it hurts so much more when that one person you trusted is holding a bow and arrow pointing at your heart, trusting him to not let go.
“I NEVER THOUGHT I COULD SOUND SO WEAK, TO CHANGE WHO I WAS AS A PERSON JUST TO SUIT HIM”.
34 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE JULY 2018
self I can’t see me moving on from this point. I am crying every single day and have never felt so beaten and worthless before. My anxiety was getting worse knowing that I shared my life with Richard and the one person who I trusted in cannot even be honest with me. This lump in my throat won’t go away and I can’t find a better way of looking at the situation. I thought at one point, if Richard can’t even love me, then who will? What is the point of living in this world when the man I truly loved could not care for me anymore? Would anyone care if I wasn’t here? I have had many low points through this break up, I just don’t know how to get over it when the wounds are still so deep. I want to look back on this experience as a massive lesson for me in my life. I want to appreciate all the love I gave to him and even him telling me we were not right for each other anymore, I want to think that I can give the same love, if not more to someone who cares for me in the same way I do. It will take a long time to trust someone like that again. But I do believe that everything happens for a reason and if this was the path given to me, I must not fight it, but learn how I can make a better life for myself, as that is the only priority I have right now. I hope I can cry less as the days go on. I hope I can think about Richard less. I hope to thank Richard for the short dream of forever and to be grateful for the closure that I needed from this heartache. I hope to give myself more credit than I am doing. I hope I can find happiness in the future when I am ready to move on. I hope I can find someone who will finally never let me go…and replace the pillow on the right hand side of the bed.
TinyBuddha.comLori- Blogger When you hold on to a relationship, it’s usually more about attachment than love, when you glance back at the relationship, focus on the positives you have gained from it. Allow yourself to feel. It is like a grieving process, you have to take those feelings as they come. Read more “How to Let Go of a Past Relationship: 10 Steps to Move On Peacefully” (Tinybuddha.com)
MyRelationshipBreakdown.comSharon- Family Meditation Specialist. If you are in a situation where children are involved, parents can sometimes forget that children are humans, not possessions. For the loved one of the person hurting, offer to find emotional support for them, to then support the child.
WHAT I WOULD DO... LettersToMyEx.comRachel- Blogger Take time. Sit with the pain, not hide from it. “Time is a healer” as the cliche goes. Visualise all those things important to you. Let your friends prop you up. Plan trips. You get distracted (in a good way) and make new memories. Burst out of your comfort zone, meet new people. It makes you fell differently about everything and give you optimism for the future.
Jules Cooper- Yoga teacher In yoga we work with the breath as a guide. Mindfulness and breathing are hugely important to encourage positive thoughts. It allows you to begin to heal at your own pace and not working with a time frame. Your thoughts begin to slow down so then you are not overwhelmed by the negativity that comes with a break up, it will bring more clarity and positive, healthy thoughts.
JULY 2018 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 35
A first person perspective of the harrowing intensity of a first love heart ache.