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Barbara Buckley Ristine Upgrading to Motherhood 2.0 Preparing update. This may take some time. The lights are dimmed, and the gel is warm against my skin. I can’t take my eyes from the grainy image pulsing on the screen. The technician places markers to point out your fishy bodies floating in the amniotic sea. I’m sorry I didn’t recognize you at first. Forgive me. Unexpected catastrophic system failure. I woke today with that familiar anxiety eating at my guts, afraid you'll vanish before I ever see your faces. It’s like someone is pulling my stomach up through my chest and the walls are squeezing me and I find it difficult to breathe. Your father knows it's best to leave me in silence. An unknown error occurred. I’m not allowed into the NICU because my body is on fire with infection, immobile in this bed with fluids pumping into my arm and I don’t know which is worse, the fever or that I can’t hold you. I hate this photo some kind nurse took of you, she thought she was helping. But all I see are your tiny bodies with skin too big for your bones and those wires and tubes connecting you to life. I make your father take it away.

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Profile for Mojave River Media

Mojave River Review spring/summer 2019  

The Mojave River Review spring/summer 2019 issue spotlights superb poetry and prose by brilliant contributors from around the globe. Enjoy 2...

Mojave River Review spring/summer 2019  

The Mojave River Review spring/summer 2019 issue spotlights superb poetry and prose by brilliant contributors from around the globe. Enjoy 2...

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