Page 1

M a tt M o s s & S a r a h A bda l l a h

T h e Cave m a n C h r o n i c le s :

N o v e m be r 1 s t, 2 0 1 3


D E A R P R E H I S T O R I C P AU L A . . . I have been having some trouble lately with my, to put it bluntly, horrible cooking. I feed my family everyday but they do not stop complaining about my food! My cooking consists of the regular caveman food; plants, shellfish, nuts, and sometimes even sweet fruits! A few times a week my husband would bring meat home as he would hunt down the best animals. My husband Ugga Luca would mainly hunt animals such as mammoth, cave bear, the elk, the rhinoceros, the wild horse, and the reindeer. I just do not get what I am doing wrong! It is ridiculous because Cavewomen Carrie feeds her family some kind of leafy, sour plant. My cooking method includes digging a hole, away from the wind, lighting the hole on fire while stacking rock on top of the ground. Although i could be doing something wrong. Help Paula! -Debi Ugga Di Dear Debi Ugga Di, I am afraid to tell you this but your cave rats are hard headed. When i was growing up the only thing we could find was leafs. As i was growing up we did not have meat, and imagine how their kids will eat, with all families hunting animals. I guarantee you there will not be animals like the mammoth and bear roaming the earth because the may find a way to fall off! My family and I ate leafy plants every single day and sometimes even little black creatures that would crawl over us! If your kids do not appreciate your cooking, tell them to imagine the kids in Ufrica who sometimes go days without eating. I also suggest adding a little spice to your food. For example: saving some leftover skin from the meat your husband hunts and leaving a little animal skin on whatever delectable dish you are preparing. I think that will do the trick! -Prehistoric Paula |:3

NEOLITHIC NED! I NEED YOUR HELP! As you know, hunting ability is still a big part of where a caveman stands in society. It can separate a caveman from a caveboy. Problem is, I can’t seem to hunt to save my life. All the other cavemen always get the game (and the girls) with their fancy sharpened sticks and pointed stones. I feel like I’ll never be a good hunter. Is there any hope for me? -Caveman Carl Well Caveman Carl, I’ve got good news and bad news. Bad news is that I can’t just magically make you able to hunt. Good news is that I can help you (or try to at least). You can try to give yourself an edge over the other hunters by improving your weapons. Instead of just using a regular old stone or bone as the head of your spear, try sharpening it by cutting off small flakes until you have a nice point. Also, if you’re feeling like trying something brand new, you could try fashioning your weapon into a sickle, or adding teeth to your blade. I’d bet that the ladies would love how innovative and unique your weapons are. Hope this helps, -Neolithic Ned

NEOLITHIC NED, So this paleolithic-age stuff I got in the bag, man. Inventing tools? Easy. Developing language? I could do it in my sleep. Making fire? It’s a cinch. But now crazy things are happening dude. People are going around saying I can polish and sharpen my tools? That the plants we gather just grow out of the ground, and we can actually control where they grow? It all sounds like a bunch of mammoth-dung to me. Is what they’re saying true? I feel like I’m just wasting my time banging rocks together. Take it easy, Paleolithic Pete Paleolithic Pete, What your friends are saying is indeed correct; all these things were discovered during the time period we call the Neolithic Revolution. As we grew as a species, we had to start to develop technology, or tools/inventions we could use to meet our needs. As we advance, our tools will most certainly advance with us. You’re just gonna have to get with the times, my friend. -Neolithic Ned

Advice columns  
Read more
Read more
Similar to
Popular now
Just for you