Dr. Sarah Jerstad, a child psychologist at Children’s Minnesota, said some shyness is developmentally normal: “For babies and early toddlers, there’s something healthy about fearing new and novel situations.” But, she said, if it persists or gets worse, it can disrupt functioning. While many people consider themselves shy, behavioral inhibition takes it a step further and can be a precursor to a more serious diagnosis — social anxiety. Typically diagnosed between the elementary and early high school years, social anxiety presents as extreme avoidance or real distress in social situations, and is a persistent pattern, Jerstad said. It also has to be present with peers, not just adults, and centers around a fear of scrutiny.
Exposure is key If any of this reminds you of a child in your life, the good news is there’s a lot you can do to help. Talking to your pediatrician and, if recommended, seeing a child psychologist, are good places to start. Jerstad boils down a typical treatment plan into three key steps: 1. Try to discover why a child feels fearful or anxious and learn how to support him or her. 2. Help children develop coping strategies they can use in situations that make them feel anxious. 3. Make a plan for slow, graduated exposure to new situations that will give the child a chance to practice socializing, including praise and rewards for being brave. Hamel learned that a little bit of preparation could go a long way for her daughter, who’s now 9. After that memorable trip to Michigan, she made a picture book of their extended family members that she could pull out before subsequent family gatherings. As her daughter got older, she prepped her with common
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questions relatives might ask, and modeled how to appropriately greet them. Once a parent or other adult recognizes that a child is shy, it can easily become one of their defining characteristics: “This is my son. He is 5, and he is shy.” Even though that may be true, it doesn’t have to be pointed out to everyone your child meets. Instead, Jerstad coaches parents to focus on the positives, such as being a good listener or being observant.
In the classroom and beyond At school, pairing quieter kids with a peer can be very beneficial, said Alicia Estrellado, an elementary school teacher and mother of two in St. Paul. Forcing a child to read a passage in front of the entire class is fortunately no longer the norm, and sharing learnings one-on-one with a classmate can be much less intimidating. “If you’re uncomfortable, you can’t learn. Our brains don’t work that way,” Estrellado said. “Find what makes them comfortable, and how they can best express what they’ve learned.” In her classroom, that means asking quieter kids if she or a peer can share their ideas with the class, or even recording a presentation in advance rather than making them do it live. Jerstad said continuing to expose behaviorally inhibited kids to new situations and people is key. While it can be tempting to just stay home, doing so can send a signal that there’s something to fear after all. “As much as possible, this is a behavior that has to be practiced,” Jerstad said. “Get kids involved in social interactions in some way — sports, activities, programs
HELPFUL RESOURCES ⊲⊲Children’s Minnesota Behavioral Health Program, childrensmn.org ⊲⊲Early Childhood Family Education (ECFE), education.mn.gov ⊲⊲Andrew Kukes Foundation for Social Anxiety, akfsa.org
↑↑Erica Wacker was surprised when her son didn’t love swim lessons.
like ECFE, where kids and parents can be interacting with other kids. Practice from an early age is really critical.” Gunnar encourages parents to stay the course: “The temptation is ‘They don’t like it, so let’s not go.’ But the reality is, the more they are exposed to new people, new places, the better. Pretty soon, what was novel isn’t novel anymore.” As for my son, he started a new session of 6U soccer this spring. Between having 100 days of kindergarten under his belt, plus a couple familiar faces from school on the team, his participation and enjoyment have significantly improved. He may not volunteer to be team captain or shout for someone to pass him the ball, but he’s there, he’s participating — and he’s even having fun. Erica Wacker is outnumbered in St. Paul by her husband, two sons and dog (also male). A transplant via Chicago, she has adopted Minnesota as her forever home — winters and all.