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MichiganReview THE

The Journal of Campus Affairs at the University of Michigan



May 23, 2008


l l a b t o Fo




Law Quad

MR Class Glances


Greek s Glossary

The Review PAGE 6



05.00.2008 4.1.08



Editorial Board Lindsey Dodge Editor-in-Chief Jane Coaston Executive Editor

MAZE and Blue Oh no! You’re a first-semester freshman girl and you need to pull a “walk of shame” from Pike back to Mary Markley! Find your way home and order some pizza!

Adam Pascarella Managing Editor


Eun Lee Graphic Design Editor Jonathan Slemrod Editor-at-Large Nathan Stano Cherri Buijk Assistant Editors Business Staff Karen Boore Publisher Jonathan Slemrod Anna Malecke Associate Publishers Nick Cheolas Editor Emeritus Staff Writers & Photographers Steven Bengal, Samm Etters, Austyn Foster, Erika Gonzalez, Josh Handell, Kris Hermanson, Alyse Hudson, Christine Hwang, Erika Lee, Megan Lytle, Evgeny Magidenko, Julianne Nowicki, Shanda Shooter, Andrea Sofian, Joseph Xu, Christina Zajicek,

“The Rock”

Letters & Viewpoints The Michigan Review accepts and encourages letters to the editor and viewpoints. Letters to the editor should be under 300 words. Viewpoints can be arranged by contacting the editorial board. We reserve the right to edit for clarity and length. Send all correspondence to

About Us The Michigan Review provides a broad range of in-depth coverage of campus affairs and serves as the literary voice of conservatism and libertarianism at the University of Michigan. The Review is published bi-weekly September thru April.

Donate/Subscribe The Michigan Review accepts no financial support from the University. Therefore, your support is critical and greatly appreciated. Donations above $40 are eligible for a 1-year (12 issues) subscription. Donations can be made on our website at, or mailed to:

911 N. University, Suite One Ann Arbor, MI 48109 The Michigan Review is the independent, student-run journal of conservative and libertarian opinion at the University of Michigan. We neither solicit nor accept monetary donations from the University. Contributions to The Michigan Review are tax-deductible under section 501 (c)(3) of the Internal Revenue Service Code. The Michigan Review is not affiliated with any political party or any university political group. Unsigned editorials represent the opinion of the editorial board. Ergo, they are unequivocally correct and just. Signed articles, letters, and cartoons represent the opinions of the author, and not necessarily those of The Review. The Serpent’s Tooth shall represent the opinion of individual, anonymous contributors to The Review, and should not necessarily be taken as representative of The Review’s editorial stance. The opinions expressed in this publication do not necessarily reflect those of the advertisers or the University of Michigan. Copyright © 2007, The Michigan Review, Inc. All rights reserved. The Michigan Review is a member of the Collegiate Network.



Letter from the Editor

So you’ve finally graduated from high school. The commencement music has faded, the last autograph has been crammed into your yearbook, and everyone’s looking forward to the “last summer of freedom.” That’s what we all say when faced with another step into adulthood, as if adulthood is defined only by a series of unasked for responsibilities heaved onto our unwilling shoulders. Now most everyone is aware that college doesn’t resemble this morose outlook at all, and frankly neither does life after college, depending on how you use your time at U-M. College ends up being a balance, a balance of finding what it is you will hopefully do for the rest of your life, or at least the next five years with our everevolving job market, as well as relishing the first time without parental supervision and monitoring your own time. As your Classical Studies Professor will undoubtedly bring up at some point, “Aristotle says, ‘Everything in moderation, even moderation.’” In college, you could very well change that to, “especially moderation.” The Michigan Review prides itself on being a monitoring source to any and all extremist viewpoints. This means yanking the chain of turbo-Republicans as well as defending original thought against the constant stream of liberal “facts.” Democrats give us better feed on the U-M campus, that’s all. In the end, it’s about providing a contrarian voice dedicated to questioning the unquestioned, as any true journalistic source will do. Every year, we kick off our production with our trademark irony, and here in your hands is the result. A humorous guide for all new students, we hit

Pi Kappa Alpha (PIKE) Fraternity

such basics as a guide to picking majors when coming into college (Jane Coaston ‘09), as well as broader sketches illustrating the ways in which one can become a true Ann Arbor hipster (Evgeny Magidenko ‘10). Re-introducing the Face-Off, we have two editorial board members argue both sides of the eternal collegiate question: To go Greek, or not to go Greek? We also include an updated version of our classic Glossary, providing definitions for and poking fun at more than one ridiculous Ann Arbor institution. This and our freshman girl maze (pg. 2) will certainly provide a little entertainment when waiting for your first class to begin on Michigan Time, which we explain thoroughly on page 3. We have a good balance of both helpful information about your new home state, Michigan, as well as about your new college social scene. Of course, we are focused on campus, state, and political events, and our Politics section provides some helpful hints for those taking their first steps as freethinking, involved citizens. Not only a paper for conservative readers, as evidenced by many of our more liberal and libertarian staff and editorial board members, our main goal is to get people thinking. An ounce of pretension is worth a pound of manure, but we strive to be “the thinker’s newspaper.” So enjoy the humorous along with the serious, and look forward to a similar blend with our first news issue in the beginning of the year. Remember, there are only two colors that really matter on campus: Maize and Blue. Sincerely, Lindsey R. Dodge Editor-in-Chief

Editor’s Notes 05.00.2008 4.1.08


An Editorial Page for Those Interested in How the Other Side Thinks

Don’t Be Scared! Ann Arbor doesn’t bite...hard When we found out that there were seniors on campus who had never heard of Mirlyn, the catalog for the University of Michigan Library system, there was some sad laughter. When we realized that there were seniors who hadn’t been to Main Street – the, as it implies, main street of downtown Ann Arbor, lying a brief four blocks west of State Street–there was a mutual sense among us that some U-M-ers had gone too far. Or not far enough, rather. The University of Michigan is unique among college campuses for being embedded in the fabric of a city; just the few streets that weave through Central Campus can seem as an entire world. South University, with its bubble tea, bulk candy, arcade, ice cream, sandwich and pizza joints provides a dreamy mix of sweet pop culture, while it’s mix of funky and high-end clothing, shoes, alternative gift shops, and even an art gallery waft enough of the scent of that fabled earthy, edgy Ann Arbor culture. It hints of South State and Liberty just around the bend: vintage clothing, movie theatres, sushi, and even more cafes. Becoming familiar with Ann Arbor is as easy as hopping on the city bus for a free ride, or just taking a short walk. This is assuming that one does not have a car, which belies the infamous absence of parking spaces whenever it’s actually important. When you’ve had enough of the cafeteria, take a visit to one of the coolest Ann Arbor districts, Kerrytown; you’ll find the renowned Zingerman’s Deli, stocked to the ceiling with fresh breads. Who knows? You might even find time to kibbitz while you’re getting some nosh. Or if you’d just like to stretch your legs and explore, check out Main Street: you’ll see a tea room and book

shop hybrid (Crazy Wisdom Bookstore), fun shopping and whimsical gifts (Peaceable Kingdom, etc.), and a number of great bars, restaurants, and permutations thereof. As many of the upper-classmen may know, this is where people go to legally drink. That’s only a taste of Ann Arbor commercially. For those seeking a slower pace, there’s Nichols Arboretum (The Arb) - a large nature preserve within the bounds of the city - or even North Campus, with its surprisingly interesting architecture intermixed with trees and sloping lawns. Add to all this the number of festivals and art shows that show up in Ann Arbor all year-round. From the Ann Arbor Film Festival to the summer art fair, there is a never-ending supply of culture and activities for everybody’s interests. This isn’t to say that we would go to all of them. Some members of the editorial board would rather be caught dead than go to an art showing of bugs crushed on a film strip. But the point is that some people are into that - and whatever gets you thinking is a step in the right direction. If you really put your mind to it, there’s no limit to what can be done with your free time. Rent a canoe and go paddling on the Huron River with some beers. Drive to Weier’s Orchard in the fall and try their cinnamon donuts with some cider beer. Go to Vinology, the wine-tasting bar, and be an original. Life on campus and in Ann Arbor will probably take some getting used to, but there’s no better way to become comfortable than to get acquainted with the city you call home. Take the occasional break and enjoy. MR


Don’t Be on Time A Blast From a Past Reviewer FRESHMEN - LET ME be amongst the first to welcome you to the University of Michigan and it’s glorious Ann Arbor campus. Over your next four, five, or even six to ten years here (that better include grad school...), you will discover the wonders that I too eventually found. As a little helping hand before you embark on your academic journey, the Review would like to offer you some friendly advice that you will find very useful in your first few weeks. As you will learn during Orientation, “Michigan Time” refers to the 10-minute spacing for classes. Hence, a 10am class really actually and truly begins at 10:10am, and so on and so forth. Your first day of class, however, you will undoubtedly show up thirty minutes before your class actually begins. There you will all be, thirty or so freshman neurotically arriving early, all staring at your watches in a vacant Mason Hall hallway, collectively watching the time tick by. Don’t do it. Michigan Time means exactly what it says, class starts 10 minutes after its posted time. Get yourself a little more sleep and save yourself from staring at a watch for 30 minutes. When your class actually does start, there is a strategy to seating yourself. This rule applies especially, if not exclusively, to recitations, seminars, and discussions. And sorry ladies, but this rule is sort of gender specific, and not for the faint of heart. Gentlemen, for you I will share the single best piece of advice I can dispense to help you get through your boring classes: as you enter the classroom on the first day, seek out the hottest girl in your class. Try and be smooth about it (engineers, therefore, must unfortunately skip this strategy), and without drawing much attention to yourself with freshman-guy clumsiness, sit next to her! Start talking to her, but not like you’re interviewing her. Introduce yourself, ask her where’s she from, where’s she living now, etc. Casually say something witty about how terrible dorm

food is or how crazy BAMN is – make her laugh! Seem informed, and seem cool (because let’s face it, you’re probably not). This seating strategy doesn’t stop after the first day though. Even if during your initial conversation she pulls that “I’ve got a boyfriend” shit. Whatever! Don’t let it phase you (p.s. -most hot girls at Michigan have boyfriends; if this is not the case, they must be crazy). You can handle that “boyfriend” noise because after all - you’re sitting next to her because you’re a good guy, not because you’re an asshole that likes staring at her chest. What’s more it will totally catch her off guard in a good way if you ask about her boyfriend. Ask his name, what he’s like, yadda yadda yadda. But don’t ask “if he goes here.” That’s a red flag that you are already hoping it’s a long-distance relationship that you can break up. Don’t scare her off and don’t jeopardize your position as the guy that sits next to her! Eventually, your seat next to her will become your territory. The two of you, or more if there are other good-looking girls in your area, will have staked out a claim to your territory. No one will dare move in on your space. With this territorial domain, you can carve out a good group of people to sit with. Hopefully you have been endearing them to you over the first few weeks of class with irreverent remarks about the stupidity of your GSI, the horrible grade you got on your last paper (tip: you always do poorly, but you always are confident enough to laugh it off – this seems to work), or hilarious comments about the weird kid in class (disclaimer: the Review does not condone ripping on the dorks in your class, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do). As the fun guy in class that exudes so much machismo that the hot girl

sits next to him, your classmates will love you! And isn’t that why you’re at Michigan, for the approval of others? Where you sit in class tells a lot about you. And no, I’m not talking about smart kids sitting in the front, slackers sitting in the back. You’re at Michigan, everyone sits in the back. But the really smart kids sit next to hot girls. And the really hot girls sit wherever they want because they are hot and do as the please, so you better sit next to them. If this advice seems sexist, chauvinist, or utterly insensitive to the concerns of ugly people and socially inept nerds, then you are absolutely correct. But frankly, those kind of people are so sexually frustrated that they infer innuendoes from their engineering homework: you know, the problem about the tangent line penetrating the diameter of the circle? Whatever…so that’s not a real problem--it lacks any sense. But I was too busy staring at the hot girl I’ve been sitting next to in my Psychology class all semester to think of anything intelligent. Hot girls are sweet. Oh, and the same thing applies to the ladies for getting guys. MR

This piece was written by Michael Kasinowski ‘00 and published in a past issue of the Review, but hey, the whole editorial board agrees with him! IMAGE WWW.DKIMAGES.COM


Finding Your Political Affiliation

05.00.2008 4.1.08

By Lindsey Dodge ‘10


COLLEGE IS HYPED up as the most fun, the most challenging, the most transforming time in ones’ life. Yet all this really means is that once college hits, people are for the first time living like liberals, or in our case the Bush administration: No real accountability and money to burn. But it also means that for the first time, students are free to choose their own classes and really begin to frame their own mindset. Any political study will show that the primary influence on our political beliefs is our parents, and with college comes the absence of this great influence. The fact that we live under a political philosophy that deems everyone’s vote important is both a blessing and a curse. No true leader can be elected without citizen’s participation. This is a more of American society, and has produced such Presidents as Washington, Lincoln, and FDR. On the other side of the pendulum, often citizen’s do not know what it is that their country needs, and this has produced such leaders as Nixon, Carter, and that entire period from 1865-1900 known primarily as “Where the hell are my history notes because I can never remember these guys!” So to quote Hollywood, “With great power comes great responsibility.” That’s right, every student now has a responsibility beyond throwing a killer party, and even getting a good GPA. There is something to be said for having a responsibility to knowing your own political system, learning about and understanding ones’ country, and thereby determining a political affiliation. There is a reason behind the age limit for votPOLITICAL AFFILIATION Continued on PAGE 13

A Conservative Word of Caution How to be Conservative on U-M Campus BY JONATHAN SLEMROD ‘10 IT IS EASY to feel threatened on a seemingly liberal campus if you are a conservative or libertarian. After all, even our official student newspaper, the Michigan Daily, rarely shows both sides of a debate, instead copying-and-pasting the talking points of the Democratic Party directly onto their editorial page. Or if you ever wondered how the United States government is a fascist empire hellbent on world domination that planned 9/11, or why socialism is a utopian and logical idea, you will have no trouble finding someone to explain it to you in the Diag. But while campus undoubtedly has its fair share of left-wing crazies, they aren’t necessarily the majority. But often, they are the loudest, most visible, and most obnoxious participants in campus politics. Take the Trotskyite radical pro-affirmative action group BAMN, which makes no mistake of their preference for verbal and physical confrontation to spread their message. The day after racial and gender preferences were ended following the passage of Proposition 2 in 2006, University President Mary Sue Coleman addressed thousands of students in the Diag. I was sporting a t-shirt superimposed with the image of conservatism itself, Ronald Reagan. To several BAMN members, this warranted verbal abuse; apparently, I am a “racist asshole.” Having been born and raised less than one mile from campus helped me to prepare for the political shock I was to experience. Most of my family, friends, and acquaintances identify as liberals, so it is fair to say I was used to being in the political minority. Yet I was still surprised upon arrival to campus. I found that almost every student I came into contact with didn’t have any clue what a libertarian even was, but I found that apathy, not “liberal” or “conservative,” is the political affiliation of choice in Ann Arbor. Our campus is not, as I see it, overrun

by die-hard liberals. Understandably, most students don’t have the time to care for politics. College life can leave you with little free time. However, there are many outlets for the conservative or libertarian on campus that wants to question the norm in Ann Arbor. Never free of controversy, the Young Americans for Freedom (YAF) will surely be back with hard-hitting events. In 2006, over 300 people protested when YAF sponsored a speech by three former terrorists who spoke on the dangers of Islamic fundamentalism. The College Republicans are gearing up for the 2008 presidential election, and will be looking for new members to help elect John McCain to office. Other groups include Michigan Libertarians, Students for Life, Students for a Free Economy, and Students for McCain. Here’s where we come in. At The Michigan Review, we take pride in our conservative and libertarian outlook not because we simply feel like being contrarians, but because our rational take on campus events simply takes us there. Indeed, while most of us proudly wear maize and blue and love our campus and University, there is no shortage of issues that would be misconstrued and overlooked without a conservative perspective. Conservatives challenge the status quo, and I can’t stress the importance of this enough, especially in a predominantly liberal city. We are always looking for new writers, so come and stop by. Ann Arbor has an incredibly lively student body, and politics play an enormous part. It will certainly take some time to get used to if you are a conservative or libertarian. But once the shock of college life wears off, you will begin to understand the excitement of campus political life and the opportunities that it holds for conservatives and liberals alike. We hope that you take the opportunity to explore your options. Welcome to campus and go blue. MR


Conservative? Libertarian? Just Sick of Political Correctness Already? If so, join... THE MICHIGAN REVIEW For 25 years, THE MICHIGAN REVIEW has been the sole voice of conservatism and rationality on campus.


05.00.2008 4.1.08


Best of Ann Arbor

car to the nearest full-fledged grocery store. Smaller grocery stores such as the Village Corner on S. University or White Market on E. William are within walkable distance on campus, but do not offer a wide variety of products. By taking the AATA #6 in front of the Michigan Union, you can get to Kroger within 5 minutes. Or, you can take the AATA to Meijer, which is what many students choose to do. The best place to study is not in the Ugli, but in the Espresso Royale on State Street. Espresso Royale has a cooler, more radiant atmosphere than the Ugli, which makes studying there actually entertaining. Espresso Royale is open late until 12:00 a.m. on weekdays and Sundays, and also has some of the best coffee in Ann Arbor. As an added plus, Espresso Royale has plush, cozy armchairs to sit in, whereas the armchairs in the Ugli are well, ugly and uncomfortable. The best places in Ann Arbor to buy your textbooks will be from other students in Ann Arbor. Try checking Facebook, Craigslist, or the Student Book Exchange in the Michigan Union for the textbooks you need, before shelling out an unnecessary $70-140 at Shaman Drumstore or Ulrich’s. But it doesn’t hurt to occasionally check out Shaman Drum for something other than textbooks. The staff is knowledgeable and friendly, you can peruse the interesting books, and do something “artsy” like attending a poetry reading. Ann Arbor has many hip boutiques, the only problem is they can be very pricey. Orchid Lane, located on East Liberty, however, is a boutique that BEST AA Continued on PAGE 14

Ann Arbor

its restaurants. If you’re in the mood for Thai food, No Thai on South University or Catherine Street is the best choice. At a reasonable $8.00 an entrée, you get a good-sized portion for your money. Good entrees to try are the Pad Thai or the Drunken Noodles. Stay away from the Magic Wok in the Michigan Union. The Thai food at the Magic Wok just doesn’t PHOTO JOSEPH XU / MR STAFF compare in qualAnn Arbor is bursting with great food options and places to shop. Be sure to take a stroll off campus and ity to No Thai. check out all of the stores, eateries, and boutiques. For some good pizza, try the Cottage Inn on BY Julianne Nowicki ‘11 E. Liberty. At around $10-15 for a pizza, the prices are ANN ARBOR HAS its hidden gems— you just a little steeper than other pizza places on campus, but need to know where to find them, and which “gems” to the pizza is worth it. Again, quality is key. Stay away stay away from. Whether you’re looking for some good from N.Y.P.D. on South University, where the pizza is Thai food to take back to the dorm room, or a place to extremely greasy and the cheese is just gross. splurge on retail therapy after a rough exam, Ann Arbor Need actual groceries or snacks for your dorm has something for everyone. Ann Arbor is known for room? Well, you will most likely have to take a bus or

Where to Eat in Ann Arbor Besides the Dorms BY SAMM ETTERS ‘11 WHEN YOU NEED a break from the dining halls and quick eats from the Union basement, Ann Arbor has excellent dining options, from Friday night pizza houses to impressive places to take a date. For get-togethers with friends, there are so many options depending on what you’re in the mood for. Say you’re looking for a good burger or lunch, try Brown Jug on South University. Another good burger spot is Blimpy Burger on Packard Street. Although the employees are paid to be rude to you, the burgers are famous for a reason. There’s quite a few Mexican spots, but Panchero’s on South University and BTB Burrito on State Street are the most popular. BTB also opened another location, BTB Cantina on South University last winter. For pizza, Pizza House on Church Street is probably the best for a nice night out with friends. There’s a plethora of other pizza joints that deliver late into the night when you need a simple meal or a late night snack. If you want to impress a date, there are many places to go if your wallet can take the pinch. Sadako on South University is great for sushi or teriyaka chicken for those who can’t stomach raw fish. The original Cottage Inn restaurant on East William Street is exellent for Italian dinners and EAT AA Continued on PAGE 15

Shortcuts Through Campus: Stay Warm! BY SAMM ETTERS ‘11 IF YOU ARE coming from out of state, Michigan winters will definitely take some getting used to. You may think you are prepared with your body-length North Face coat and three pairs of Under Armor, but some times the wind and snow seem to be doing everything they can to find every little crevasse in your clothing to get to your skin. That’s where finding shortcuts through campus comes in handy.Cutting through buildings for warmth may sound silly, but on those blistering cold days, even 60 seconds indoors helps. The most popular choice is the Chemistry building on North University. From the Diag, North University, or Church, it can provide a pretty great escape from the cold. Most people use it to cut the corner on the way to the main


There are lots of great sandwich shops in Ann Arbor besides Jimmy Johns. Check out Zingermans, Potbelly’s, The Brown Jug, or the dozens of other places on State Street and South University, in Kerrytown, and on Main Street.

bus stop at C.C. Little. Another large building to cut through is Angel Hall. The layout is really confusing, but long enough to warm you up if you can navigate the multiple levels. Dennison building and East Hall are also good to pass through. And if you’re desperate enough and walking through the Diag, Hatcher Grad and the Shapiro Undergrad libraries connect, although on the second floor of the Grad and the third of the UGLi. Outdoors when you just need to cut for time, there are many options depending on where you are. The Diag is the simplest choice, if you need to get to and from the MLB, State Street, and South University. The Law Quad, if going from State to East University (or vice versa) is also convenient. Coming from South UniversiSHORTCUTS Continued on PAGE 14

5 Big Issues in Ann Arbor BY NATHAN STANO ‘11 1. Affirmative Action/Diversity: Affirmative action has been of critical importance to the students and faculty of the University. However, with the passage of Proposal 2, which banned affirmative action in university admissions, much of the affirmative action push has petered out. One notable exception is the radical student activist group, “By Any Means Necessary.” However, the rhetoric of “diversity” reigns supreme. Despite the University’s pending copyright on the word, you are going to hear it almost everywhere. The thing is, while everyone tells you diversity is great, it’s fun to play the old “why is it great?” game and observe the result. My advice to conservative students: do not let it get to you. This is Michigan, what did you expect? So when President Coleman says “diversity,” you know it is time to laugh and start asking questions. 2. 2008 Presidential Race/Student Activism: By the time you get to campus, it will be election season, and the nation’s highest office will be up for grabs. Please vote, regardless of your party affiliation; it is your right and civic duty. That being said, many students will choose to volunteer for campaigns, which is also commendable. Be prepared for the people of Ann Arbor, the majority of University students 5 BIG Continued on PAGE 15


The Glossary

05.00.2008 4.1.08

Every year, The Michigan Review puts outs this compilation of various institutions and terms from around U-M campus and culture, that sum up everything an incoming freshman could possibly need to know.

A “Angell Hall”: Central

campus academic building characterized by big white pillars, 24-hour operation, communist janitors, and English professors that have plush offices who choose to meet for office hours at hippy hang-outs instead.

“Ann Arbor”: AKA the


People’s Republic of 27 square miles surrounded by reality. A shell of a Midwestern city taken over by the University of Michigan and “1960’s era” hippies. Also, a city that sees more major events come through than any small college town is entitled to.

“The Brown Jug”: AKA

the Jug. A bar on South University with fairly good food, beer, and atmosphere. In comparison with Touchdowns, its heaven.

“BTB”: Home of the

cheap, delicious Mexican food that attracts the most drunk, stoned, and Greek kids Ann Arbor has to offer. Used to be Big Ten Burrito until the Big Ten Conference threatened to sue.

“BTB Cantina”: Your

favorite burritos, now with alcohol. Located above Good Time Charlies on South University, the cantina opened in 2007 to the excitement of all. The margaritas are cheap and “The Arb”: AKA Nichyou can even get high-end ols Arboretum. Beautiful tequila shots. Needless to “living museum” of plants, say, spectactular. trails, and fields located near the University Hos“Buffalo Wild Wings”: pital. Characterized by AKA B-Dubs. Now escouples on dates making tablished on campus for out, sketchy old guys mas- several years, this is *the* turbating behind trees, and place to watch the game. ROTC jungle training lab Cheapest beer on campus. on Thursday nights (dudes in camo crawling around “Bursley AKA in silly patterns). The Arb BurLodge Baits”: North has the rare distinction of campus residence halls being a favorite hangout of which, despite boasting the Unabomber during his the best cafeteria in HousUniversity days.Watch out ing, are also characterized for the stoners. by many lonely nights of hating not being on central “Assholes”: See BAMN, campus and many pissed MSA, GEO, PIRGIM, off mornings of missing Fraternities, Sororities, The the bus. In Baits, watch Michigan Review. See also out for the shared refrigerCollege Republicans. ators…you only think that was your meatloaf.

B “B-School”: AKA the

Ross School of Business at the University of Michigan. Characterized by caffeinewired, anal retentive individuals that will probably make mad cash by selling their respective souls to corporate America.

C “College Democrats”:

People who support collagen injections as a tool for political advancement.

“College Libertarians”:

College Republicans that want legalized pot and hate Bush, but like fiscal “BAMN”: AKA the Coali- conservatism. tion to Defend Affirmative Action (and integration, “College Republicans”: and to stop the racist war A toolbox concerned in [insert country here] and with pushing issues in whatever else they feel like the Republican platform, adding in that week) By many of whom will reach Any Means Necessary. A great heights in politics collection of revolutionary by kissing mucho ass. For communists and Detroit example, drain commishigh school students who sioner and zoning board get off on causing trouble are reachable goals. See and intimidating students also Assholes. around campus.

“Blue Book”: An exam

style purported to test your knowledge of material, but actually a great way to work on writing really, really quickly.

D “Dance Marathon”: The happiest people on earth, and yes Disney was ly-

ing. Campus group that hosts 30 hour marathon for Mott’s Hospital every year that will have you so sick of community service by the end that you’ll push a child into the street. They’re instituting a draft this school year to conscript more dancers.

“Diag”: Harassment capital of the world. Characterized by Festifall, Goodness Day, Falun Dafa Guy, meditating, Diag Preacher screaming “You’re going to hell”, BAMN protests, Holocaust name reading marathon, the LGBT kiss-in, and hot girls in the spring time. Sure-fire way to avoid being talked to: big sunglasses and headphones.

“Diversity”: The quality of possessing difference. In University speak, this means a quantitative value corresponding directly to the number of “underrepresented” minorities attending. For example, a class with 100% Black, Hispanic, and Native American students would be considered 100% “diverse,” while a class of 24% Asian Republicans, 41% White Green Party members, and 35% Indian Democrats all of whom belong to a variety of religions and socio-economic backgrounds and have varying sexual orientations would be considered 0% “diverse.” “DPS”: AKA Department

of Public Safety. As you will learn from the Daily Crime Notes, they have no suspects…ever…really. But they will break up a beer-pong tournament like no one’s business.

E “Econ 101”: A weeder

class required for B-school admissions whose tests scarcely have anything to do with the study of economics.

“Espresso Royale”:

Known for their conspicuous advocacy of fair trade coffee, the coffee king is the main competitor of Starbucks on campus. Home of the tragically hip indie kids and graduate students holding office hours.

“Every Three Weekly”:

A spin-off of The Michigan Review humor section published through the University Activities Center. Watch the stupid kid next

to you in class think that former quarterback Chad Henne really did cause the Holocaust. Caught some hell from UAC in 2004 for publicizing that Olympic Gold Medalist and Michigan “student” Michael Phelps intends to “major in pussy” during his four years here. Generally amusing.

F “The Facebook”: The

most technologically advanced way to just *almost* hook up, and everybody’s favorite distraction from papers. Between checking statuses, joining groups, and designing the perfect Advanced Wall post, a sure GPA-killer.

“Fish Bowl”: Angell

Hall’s indoor computing site. Characterized by large glass windows, people walking around for hours on end trying to find just one damn open computer, and rampant un-productivity due to sorority-girl-social-hour and high-pitched laughing by the Asian kids at 3am.

“Fraternities:” Groups

of men who spend $500 a month for a place to live furnished with cheaply rented friends, date-rape drugs, and membership to a group identified by Greek letters that spell out absolutely nothing. See also Assholes.

G “Gargoyle”: The University’s official monthly humor magazine, which no longer comes out monthly, was never humorous, and no longer sells for a dollar. Per issue, the Michigan Review is winning the contest as a funnier publication, which says something because we aren’t a humor magazine.

“GEO”: The Graduate

Student Instructors’ union that stands in *solidarity* with virtually every other left-wing cause imaginable. Characterized by unkempt clothes, scruffy hair, and office hours at Espresso Royale and Cafe Ambrosia on Maynard Street. See also Assholes.

“Greens”: People that

helped George W. Bush get elected.



H “Hobo”: The homeless,

and “NO! 25 cents is not good enough.” In Ann Arbor, the bums ask for $2 and don’t even invite you up to their apartment for a beer. The West Hall arch reeks from this trade, and watch your garbage for daily can collections. You’ll also meet homeless teen runaways who play Radiohead covers in front of Espresso Royale.

I “In and Out”: A party

store—get your mind out of the gutter. Good late night pizza.

J “Jaywalking”: This term “Jimmy John’s”: Located

now on all four corners of the Diag, they have reduced college students use of the cook stove to the occasional “warming up my Jimmy John’s in the oven.” And yes the smells are free.


President of the University of Michigan. She earns more than half a million bucks to run around campus muttering the word “diversity” to herself over and over. Also, she feels really really really bad about being white. Really.

“The Michigan Daily”:

A group of mostly white, upper-middle-class students who put out a poorly written newspaper every day about how white, upper-middle-class students are oppressing people at the University. They’ve never met a walk-out they didn’t like and their cartoonists are starting kindergarten this fall.

ful sprawling campus of advanced academic facilities and residence halls. See also Boring and Far Away from Everything.

P “Parking”: Like “Jaywalking,” this term does not exist in Ann Arbor either.

for rich, white kids with liberal guilt. Members help alleviate the stress of being rich and white by campaigning for workers’ rights at the most ridiculous levels and advocating communism whenever possible to spite their parents and damn the man.

“Sororities”: Groups of

women who spend $500 a month for a place to live “Pizza House”: The furnished with cheaply unofficial restaurant of the rented slutty friends, the University of Michigan right to get drunk and student body. See also screw frat boys, and memOverrated, Overpriced, Open bership to a group identiUntil 4AM, and/or Cheesy fied by Greek letters that Bread Rocks. spell out absolutely nothing. See also Assholes and “Pop”: The correct term for Editor-in-Chief. the sweetened caffeinated “The Michigan League”: beverage which all you “Sun”: A large ball of The once-segregated hang- East-coasters, West-coastflaming gas in the sky that out for women on campus, ers, and Southerners might disappears sometime in it curiously hosts almost refer to as soda, a popular October and returns just in all Republican-affiliated baking ingredient. time for girls to wear tank events on campus. Also, tops and Dominick’s to where The Michigan Review open in April. office is located.


“The Michigan Review”: A diverse group “Queer Awareness of women, minorities, and Week”: Annual event that lower-middle class students who put out a hardhitting journal of commentary and analysis every two weeks with a commitment to logic and truth so unyielding that we’re total assholes.

“The Michigan Union”:

Central student center filled with the joys of 1960s-era hippies hang out. Magic Wok and the most Ann Arbor shopping disprofitable Subway in the trict. Be prepared to spend country. lots of money on bulk carob and fair-trade coffee “MSA”: The student asand encounter elderly pro- sembly of the University Palestinian protestors. of Michigan. A college version of a student council the group claims to be able to do many things for L students, usually around election time, and gener“Liberal”: The hauntally fails to produce anying fear that somebody thing of substance beyond somewhere can help them- “development” conferselves. ences and other perks for themselves. Also great for “Lloyd Carr”: Forresume stuffing and pointmer Head Coach of the less bickering. See also Michigan Wolverines Assholes. Varsity Football Team. High “overall” winning percentage, high “I blew that one” percentage when N it matters. Was the highest dude at the school, “Naked Mile”: A grand too. Well, some doctor or old tradition here at the U something was higher, but where simple, innocent, pretty close. Now beloved graduating seniors would by all and asundry. AKA liberate themselves in the Droopy the Dog. elation of graduating and run stark raving naked for a mile while dodging cops trying to take them M down for indecent exposure. The advent of sickos “Main Street”: The genwith streaming webcams eral location of restaurants and a SWAT team parked and stores specifically deon South U during the last signed for parents to take day of classes at 12am is their cheap students to on making this slightly more visits. difficult. This hasn’t happened for a while.

“KerryTown”: Where

“North Campus”: Beauti- “SOLE”: A student group


encourages closeted homosexuals to “come out.” Includes a kiss-in in which you kiss a member of the same sex for everyone and their mother to see on the Diag. See also A Good Day to Take Another Way to Class.

“Taubman”: Alfred, to be


“University Towers”:

“Rich Rodriguez”:

New football coach of the Michigan Wolverines. Formerly of West Virginia University. Now loathed by everyone without teeth for leaving . He’s instituting a new offense, defense, conditioning regime, and coaching staff. Perhaps the number one topic of conversation on campus, besides burritos.

“Rick’s”: Though you

won’t get there until junior year, this is probably the hottest bar on campus. Near Pizza House. Where you’ll have your twentyfirst birthday until you throw up.

S “Sabrina Shingwani”:

MSA President. We think.

“Shaman Drum”: A fire

trap of a local bookstore with a quasi-monopoly on books for the social sciences.

“Snow”: White fro-

zen stuff that falls to the ground in Michigan for the majority of your education here. You’ll love it, hate it, and sled on trays in it.

exact. Billionaire mall mogul and University donor that is now…in jail despite having a medical library and architecture school named after him.

U An apartment complex on the corner of South U and South Forest. Wins the award for sending the most irritating emails to try and get student renters.

V “Village Corner”: Convenience store characterized by freaks that will take your fake ID...and sometimes, your real one.

Z “Zingerman’s”: A worldfamous deli, most notable for its $15 sandwiches and bread as hard as a rock. But the food is delicious, and it’s a place you want to have your parents take you.



does not exist here. Damn you, vile pedestrians.

“Mary Sue Coleman”:

How to Use Your Hand




A Beginner’s Guide

BY CHERRI BUIJK ‘10 THE STATE OF Michigan bears curious resemblance to an upheld human hand, a resemblance long exploited for its use as an


Ann Arbor – Your new home at the University of Michigan.


Detroit – (aka The Motor City, The D) Michigan’s largest city.

ad-hoc map. Thus, when a Michigander holds up their hand and gestures to obscure points – a little below a knuckle, just beside the thumb – they are attempting to

Historically, Detroit is best known for its cars (Henry Ford founded his Ford Motor Company in the city in 1904), its music (think Motown), and its sports (Detroit Red Wings hockey and Detroit Pistons basketball). Detroit Landmarks: Joe Lois Arena – Home of the Detroit Red Wings hockey, ten-time Stanley Cup champions Comerica Park – Home of Detroit Tigers baseball Ford Field – Home of Detroit Lions football; hosted Super Bowl XL in 2006 Wayne State University


Auburn Hills – Home of the Detroit Pistons basketball, three-time NBA champions.


Frankenmuth – What happens when you combine Michigan’s love for six months of bleak winter and a truly American spirit of monumentalization? Bronner’s Christmas Wonderland, located in Michigan’s city of Frankenmuth, is a year-round haven for the acquirement of seasonal goodies. But the real draw of Frankenmuth is next door at Bavarian Inn for their world-famous family style chicken dinners. It will break your budget and your stomach, but there will be no regrets.

18 12

Grand Rapids – Home of Grand Valley State University.



Port Huron – Alternative gateway to Canada for the southeastern Michigander (Detroit is the other).


Battle Creek – Also known as ‘Cereal City’: location of Kellogg Company world headquarters and Post Cereals.


Traverse City -- Hosts a week long cherry festival in July. Popular spot for the family getaway to Northern Michigan.


Kalamazoo – Home of Western Michigan University.


Ypsilanti – This city lies just next door to Ann Arbor, some fifteen minutes east, and is home to Eastern Michigan University, well known for its strong program in Education and its not-always-strong administrative decisions.

Lansing – Seat of Michigan’s capitol.


East Lansing – Home of Michigan State University, one of our own University of Michigan’s bloodiest rivals.


Dearborn – Location of one of two University of Michigan satellite campuses.


Flint -- Location of one of two University of Michigan satellite campuses.


Holland – Not to be confused with the country in Continental Europe. City in Western Michigan settled by Dutch immigrants; hosts an annual tulip festival in the spring.


Mackinac Island – (pronounced Mack-in-aw) This island just east of the famed five-mile long Mackinac Bridge is a national historic landmark that permits no automobiles and makes the best fudge you’ll ever taste.



relatively communicate a location in their home state. This beginner’s guide will give you the basic scoop on what’s what and where it’s at in the Great Lakes state.




Canton – This proud suburban town boasts Michigan’s one and only IKEA (the Swedish retailer specializing in affordable home and office solutions), attracting collegiate hordes from such distant Midwestern regions as Michigan’s U.P. (see The Upper Peninsula).



11 6

12 3 4 16 14



Great Lakes – Chain of five lakes; the largest freshwater lakes in the world.


Sleeping Bear Dunes – Lakeside dunes running 35 miles along the Northwestern Michigan coast.

13 10


The Upper Peninsula (U.P.) -- This lonely region, whose abbreviation conveniently speaks to its theoretical location above our hand-y map, is disparately populated (its largest county, Delta, could just about match the University of Michigan student body), bespeckled with casinos, but most of all, a pristine expanse for the nature lover.

9 5 2


NOTE Michigan is in the Midwest. This does not mean you are a near-eastern neighbor of California: trudging through our otherwise grossly inaccurate American History textbook, we find that the region just West of the Appalachian mountains was christened by Eastern settlers as the “Midwest” after grossly underestimating the vast area of land that stretched to the Pacific Ocean.

Perspectives from a Transfer Student BY MEGAN LYTLE ‘11

I TRANSFERRED TO U-M Ann Arbor from U-M Dearborn in the middle of my sophomore year. My hopes weren’t unrealistically high - I was more or less aware of the fact that I was diving into a sea of pretentious, elitist, resume-building socialites. Still, after the hours I’d spent filling out my transfer application and obsessively calling the admissions office to see if they’d received my transcripts and letters yet, I wanted to hope that I’d be able to find at least a couple other people as interested in actually learning and enjoying things as they were in looking really good on paper. Sure enough, most of my suspicions were confirmed before classes started. Transfer orientation involved a long presentation about how much better Michigan is than whichever school we came from. If you’ve been to transfer orientation, you know what I

mean. Some would have you think that at Michigan, only a divinely ordained few can aspire to maintain the good GPAs that were handed out like candy at our old schools. The Office of New Student Programs website, under “Transfer Advice,” includes tidbits, such as that “Be prepared to be humbled and surprised by the difficulty.” because “Michigan is harder. Michigan is better.” The attitude had already affected my fellow transfer students, who bragged about exactly how many difficult prerequisites they were taking at once, and how grad schools won’t consider you if you don’t maintain a 3.999 GPA, and that they don’t care about learning because college was really about networking and building a resume anyway. As time went on, my suspicions were further confirmed. On my first day of class, a classmate expressed concern/disgust that I hadn’t found an internship for

the summer yet. Upon discovering that I was a transfer student, one girl said, “Oh…I hear it’s easier to get in that way. I got in as a freshman. I had a 4.0 in high school. Did you get bad grades in high school?” I don’t mean to say that I regret coming here, because I certainly don’t. It is a great university – you just have to be prepared for the attitude and not let it intimidate you – or get sucked into it. One of the best things that I did was joining an organization – having something to focus on besides classes makes it a lot easier to stay sane, and sometimes is a great way to meet likeminded people. While most classes here do require a fair amount of hard work, success and happiness here is certainly attainable. As Mark Twain once advised, just be sure not to let your schooling interfere with your education. MR

Take It or



How to Majorly Rethink Your Approach to Choosing a Concentration

CHOOSING A MAJOR can be a difficult decision. How can you narrow down your interests (you know, reading, writing, beer pong, the movie Dazed and Confused) into something to focus your undergraduate career on? Here are some tips and tricks to remember as you think about what you want to study in college. 1. Don’t Declare Before You Show Up: You will meet dozens of kids during your first few weeks at the University. Almost all of them will tell you their major. Almost all of them are lying. Very few people who enter the University with dreams of medical school actually attend. That goes for engineering majors, future lawyers, and English literature majors as well. In fact, there are classes specifically designed to make sure that most people never get there (they’re called “weeder” classes). Hey, it’s okay to say “undecided”. It shows that you’re ready to take on opportunities as they come to you, rather than make decisions based on high school classes, your parents, or your out-grown expectations.

2. Take Classes You Like, But Don’t Go Overboard: If you aren’t quite sure what you want to major in, it is a good idea to take a wide variety of classes your first semester. But remember, when you do declare you will have a defined set of classes to take and requirements to fulfill. Say, you’re interested in history. Maybe take History 261—United States After 1865. That way, you learn something and if you decide to major in history, you’ve got half of the requisite series done. Also remember, you will probably need to take certain classes to fulfill your Natural Science, Race and Ethnicity, and other requirements. 3. Talk to an Advisor. Really. I mean it.: They are there and paid to make sure you get a diploma in something at the end of four years. They can direct you to classes you may not have thought of, and if you’re thinking of doing anything like double majoring or doing interdisciplinary work, it’s almost mandatory to talk to them. Here is the big lesson: Be flexible when deciding your major, but don’t overstretch yourself class-wise. MR

What to Bring to College BY JULIANNE NOWICKI ‘11 PACKING FOR YOUR first year of college may seem like a no-brainer. But there are specific things you must not forget to pack. Here are some tips on what to bring to Ann Arbor in order to prepare for your first year, and, more importantly, keep your sanity. First, bring your religious beliefs or convictions. Do not believe everything you read in class. You do not have to change what you are just because you are going to U-M. There are plenty of churches and student organizations on campus to find people who can share, support, and encourage your beliefs. Bring good clothes and be prepared for the changing climates in Ann Arbor. Your first few weeks, you will encounter extremely humid weather, which will become extremely freezing in winter. In the winter, you have to have some boots with traction for the icy and occasionally dangerous sidewalks.

Bring a laptop that has wireless. While there are computers everywhere on campus, there will be days you will need to use your laptop outside or in your dorm room. While the Fishbowl may have looked fun on your tour, the reality is it becomes jam-packed with people, and waiting for a computer can take 10-15 minutes or more. Having a printer in your dorm room makes life more convenient too. For your dorm room, there are things you can do to make it comfortable and fun. Bring sticky tack so you can post pictures of family and friends in your desk area without ruining them. Food-wise, it’s a great idea to bring Tupperware containers, so you can bring cereal, bagels, fruit, or cookies to your dorm from the cafeterias. Skip paying $4 for a cup of coffee by bringing a coffeemaker and traveling mug. Taking this advice, you will be savvier than your first-year peers. Remember to enjoy the college experience, get outside of your dorm room, and stay warm! MR

Festifall: Lost and Found BY CHERRI BUIJK ‘10 EVERY YEAR, COUNTLESS student organizations set up booths on the Diag’s paths and yell at passing students to join their group. Festifall is a great way to check out what the University has to offer and to get involved on campus. There are organizations for every interest from the absurd, like the Michigan Review, to the ridiculous Squirrel Club, whose mission statement is to guard and feed Ann Arbor’s unnaturally overweight furry rodents. Though both may sound appealing, you have to ration and plan the amount of time you will spend on organizations throughout the year. The biggest challenge of freshman year is time management. Limit yourself to getting involved in one or two groups that you are really passionate about – otherwise, you will be overworked and overstressed by your obligations. If you can really dedicate yourself, it will be easy to rise to a leadership position, which always looks good on a resume.

You don’t have to research the organizations on Maize Pages before Festifall, but it does help to have a game plan before you go. Know what interests you want to pursue, and you will be able to more quickly peruse. The organizations are assembled by similar characteristics such as philanthropic pursuits or professional frats, so navigation is simple. Many tables give out free stuff, but do not let them talk you into signing up. Months afterwards, your email will still be clogged by organizations you later realized you do not have time for, and to which you regret giving out your unique-name. MR

FESTIFALL 2008 September 4, 2008 UM Diag


Leave It


Any English class taught by Ralph Williams. Ralph Williams is one of those very rare professors who seems to be universally adored. By the time I’d been here a week, three different people had told me that I needed to sign up for one of his classes eventually. He has a very distinctive, dynamic lecturing style and is very passionate about his subject. His classes tend to fill fast, and he’s retiring next year, so keep this in mind and register while you still have the chance.



Major Issues


Biology 102 – Practical Botany. Yes, this is a class that fulfills your Natural Science requirement, and it’s about gardening. Requirements include growing plants, interviewing people about their attitudes towards plants, and simple biology knowledge. Most of all, you get to make wine; for some reason, it’s legal for students to have alcohol when they’re under 21 if it’s for educational purposes. American Culture 204 – History of College Athletics (John Bacon). I know, I know, it sounds ridiculous, but according to the Office of the Registrar, this class already has the longest waitlist for this fall, and the same happened last winter. The consensus is that John Bacon is a great professor, and that he has a lot of really interesting things to say about the history of sports, so if that sort of thing interests you, this is a really great class. Classical Civilization 375 – War in Greek and Roman Civilization (David Potter). The ancients sometimes get an unfair reputation for being boring. Not so with this class – not only is it fascinating, but the professor has a great sense of humor. While not offered that often, it’s a great way to fulfill your ULWR.

AVOID Math 115, 116, etc. Unless you absolutely have to take these classes for your major, don’t do it. The university has all the inexperienced GSIs teach the lower level classes, The result is that the test averages are routinely failing, and while they do curve the exams, there are at least seventy-nine much better and less stressful ways to fulfill your QR requirement. Psych 230 with Scott Baron., an excellent resource when searching classes, summarizes the problems with the class. With about 5 bad reviews for every decent one, most agree that lectures are confusing and vague at best. Chem 210, 211, etc. Unless you really like learning chemical concepts on your own with a bunch of conceited overachievers who spend most of their time bragging about how much more difficult their schedule is than yours, avoid this class. If you have to take it, just bear in mind that the course pack advertises its tests as considerably harder than the course material. MR

Arts & Culture



How to Be an Ann Arbor Hipster BY EVGENY MAGIDENKO ‘09

SO YOU WANT to be an Ann Arbor hipster, huh? Upon joining these elite, you will become one of a fiercely fierce minority. Women want to fit in their jeans, and men want them to wear real pants. Those uniformly vintage scarves and hats, and, of course, those faded red Che Guevara tshirts, all say, “I am an individual because I shop at Urban.” Never mind the fact that Che Guevara was a murderer and hardly a symbol for peace. He damned the man, and you should too! One-strap shoulder bags are a must for carrying books. Backpacks don’t reflect your evolution into a college intellectual. No, you must slouch to reflect the great burden of suffering you have imposed as a middle-class white suburbanite. And, of course, what would shoulder bags be without a plethora of pins, commonly known as flair? You must have a pin showing your support of LGBTWTFROFLMAO. What’s that stand for? Who cares? It has a rainbow background and a message in favor of diversity/tolerance/hummus. Now that we have your clothing and gear all set, you should know that you will never stand out without an empty birdcage in your dorm room. What for, you may well ask? Well, apparently real birds need to be looked after now and then. But remove the bird element and you have a handy retro-chic symbol of oppression! Nothing says ‘fight oppression’ like a wholesale trinket that cost fifteen dollars. Okay, you also need to know where to hang out, right? If a hipster in the woods is an individual and no one notices, is he ever really one? A literary staple is Shaman Drum. There are regular poetry readings there by poets you’ve never heard of, and books for sale that had been rejected by the Soviet press for being too socialist. And, oh, yes, of course, the children’s section where you can read all about the Lorax and his wonderfully hip agenda. Only issue is that Shaman Drum is way more expensive than everywhere else, so you may find yourself sneaking out early in the morning to buy “The Communist Manifesto” on sale at Borders. Finally, you must know how to speak like a hipster. This means majoring in Women’s Studies, Screen Arts and Cultures, or American Culture. This means watching and memorizing every Wes Anderson film ever made. This means learning the preOversized cise origins of evSunglasses ery coffee bean you consume, just in case a fellow hipster ever springs that question on you, in test of your hipsterhood. In the end, Bandana or Scarf we love our Ann Arbor hipsters. They’re kind of like the little accent pillow you buy, and occasionally regret buying, to spruce up the living room Old School Sneakers of your apartment. Just be aware when you come to Ann Arbor not to let your personality fade as much as your jeans. MR NOTE: This is a unisex look.

The Look



Required Reading BY NATHAN STANO ‘10

Books on Conservatism

I’M GOING TO let you in on a little secret; most of the required reading for your classes is not: a) interesting, b) useful, or c) necessary. We at the Review would like to put forth a list of books that you need to read in college, but will never be assigned to you.

Ludwig von Mises’s ‘Socialism’

It’s a long book, and probably not the liveliest reading, but it is the most devastating critique of socialism ever penned. You will win arguments with your yuppie friends, making it well worth the time commitment.

Allan Bloom’s ‘The Closing of the American Mind’

If you’ve ever wondered about the thought processes of the guy protesting something on the Diag, Professor Bloom’s book explains all.

Thomas Woods Jr.’s ‘33 Questions About American History You’re Not Supposed to Ask’ Don’t like the PC version of history? Neither do we. This will give you a heads up on what really happened.

A book on Ronald Reagan

Reagan was awesome, and you should read about him, as your professors will only inform you that he was not awesome. Also, watching people’s smug looks as you cross the Diag reading a book with Reagan on the cover is totally worth it.

A book on Thomas Jefferson.

Seriously. Jefferson encapsulates the core beliefs of conservatives: states’ rights, limited government; in a word, freedom. Don’t worry about that whole Sally Hemmings thing - that story broke in 1802.

Dinesh D’Souza’s ‘Letters to a Young Conservative’

It’s been called the Swiss army knife for any emerging Republicans, providing a concise, conservative argument for a number of political issues.

Mark Twain’s ‘The Adventures of Tom Sawyer or The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn’

You’ll never be required to read some dead white male’s non-PC novel, so here’s your opportunity. Plus, when you study abroad Junior year people won’t look at you funny when they realize you have no idea about your own culture or history. MR

How to:

Not Look Like a Freshman BY ADAM PASCARELLA ‘10

SO YOU’VE JUST arrived in Ann Arbor. Expectations are high, and so is anxiety. You are about to begin the greatest (we hope) four years of your life. College is a totally different ball game then high school, though, and most seniors at U-M barely recognize (and most likely regret) their actions as ignorant freshmen. Especially during Welcome Week, most upperclassmen instantly spot and incessantly browbeat the naïve freshmen that flood campus. By following these simple guidelines, you will appear to be anything but a freshman. • Know your way around campus. Nothing is more embarrassing to a freshman than needing to ask other students or other University personnel for directions in Ann Arbor. If you have free time, especially during your summer orientation, it is always a good idea to simply walk and explore campus. Don’t know where the CCRB is? It’s better to ask a local when you are totally unfamiliar with the city during orientation instead of asking an inebriated upperclassman during Welcome Week. Walking around town glancing at a map like a tourist will not only be embarrassing in the fall, but a major problem when you’re already fifteen minutes late for class. • Avoid traveling in large groups. Nothing screams “I’m a freshman!” more than seeing a group of ten friends traveling from the dorms to

parties during Welcome Week. While you will most likely want to socialize and get to know your new neighbors after your parents leave campus, it is simply a poor decision to decide to trek to a fraternity party with ten or fifteen of your newest friends. Instead of walking down State Street at 10 P.M. in a pack of freshmen, go to that party with only two or three friends. You will blend into the crowd of partygoers, and avoid the scrutiny that typical freshmen experience during Welcome Week. • Don’t buy into the textbook rush. As soon as freshmen arrive on campus, most immediately decide to purchase their textbooks at the nearest bookstore. Instead of accepting the excessive book prices on campus, research textbook prices online or even see if an upperclassman is selling their old books. While there have been attempts to combat the elevated costs of books at campus bookstores, not much progress has been made, so it’s in your best interest to use every resource to find the best deal. Plus, you may not need some of the books on the professor’s syllabus, so be patient in your book search. Following these basic strategies will allow you to blend into the student population, appearing far more acclimated than you actually are. Appearances aren’t everything of course, but they can’t hurt when you’re still a freshman. MR

05.00.2008 4.1.08

Michigan Football: Please Don’t Panic

BY JANE COASTON ‘09 LET’S ASSESS WHERE we are currently with regards to the Michigan football team. As of spring scrimmages, we aren’t exactly sure who our quarterback is. Or who will start at wide receiver. Or who our defensive coordinator is. There is a lot of uncertainty in the air. And now Michigan Stadium won’t be the biggest in the country for the upcoming season. There are lots of reasons to worry if you are a Wolverines fan, but I have one word for you: Don’t. Please, please, please don’t become the traditional Michigan fan. Seeing a loss in every victory, a penalty on every touchdown, making large mountain ranges out of molehills. I’m not asking you to be eternally optimistic (you didn’t choose to go to Notre Dame, which means you have some sense of “reality”), but I am asking you to occasionally look at the bright side. We have a strong defense returning, and playing against the spread in practice should help them play

teams using that offensive positioning in games. Our new conditioning coach, Mike Barwis (Google him, the man is a beast), has really helped our linemen lose weight and gain speed. Yes, the team looked unsure during spring practices. That could be, you know, because its spring and all. Spring practices are meant for coaches and staff members to get an idea of what needs work and what is already working well. They are not meant to cause coronary implosions in football fans. The roster isn’t even set—a lot of freshmen haven’t arrived on campus yet and there is still a lot of work to be done. Its important, as a Michigan football fan, that you avoid doom and gloom at all costs. Don’t read Drew Sharp’s column for the Detroit Free Press. If Ivan Maisel is writing a Michigan-focused article for, proceed with extreme caution. Look, I’m not saying that you need to close your ears to criticism, but Michigan football attracts a lot of angry people with very little to do. My personal favorite websites for college football

news? is a terrific page and Brian, the author, has been of great help to the Review in years past (after the Notre Dame win last year, he changed the header to “Its Morning in America” with a photo of Ronald Reagan). Everyday Should Be Saturday ( is great for hilarious takes on college football across the country, as well as commentary on Michigan. And remember, no matter what happens—its still Michigan. No matter Appalachian State, no matter Ohio State—its still Michigan. Winged helmets, Big Ten Championships, “Hail to the Victors”, Braylon, Hart, Harmon, Woodson, Desmond. Keep that in mind when you are preparing for the first games against Utah and Miami of Ohio. Regardless of what happens this season, cheer loud, stay classy, and don’t forget to Hail to teh Victors! MR

The Weekend

Reasons to Stay a Fan Without Losing Your Mind

PAGE 11 P. 11

Sex, Drugs and Rock & Roll Party Etiquette: DRUGS

By Christina Hwang ‘11 IN CASE YOU haven’t heard yet, Ann Arbor is a pretty liberal town. But how does this influence the culture around campus? Here’s what Ann Arbor has to offer on the topics of sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll.


You know that store you pass by on South University, the one where you’re curious to see what’s in the front window, but are kind of embarrassed to get too close? Welcome to the Safe Sex Store, a business that has been in operation for 13 years. Owned by Beth Karmeisool, a student at the University’s School of Public Health, the Safe Sex Store provides products to spice up college students’ lives. Karmeisool also uses her business as a way to educate her customers regarding sexual health issues, explaining that coming to her store, rather than any other pharmacy or drug store, will “get you the information that you need about your sexual health.” Safe Sex Store not intimidating enough? Are you into exhibitionism? Maybe it’s time for you to partake in a true University of Michigan tradition: the Naked Mile. Run primarily by seniors on the last day of classes, students would streak through a pre-designed course through campus. However, if you decide to run naked on the last day of classes, you may be the only one - the Naked Mile stopped in 2004 due to arrests and increased videotaping of the event. Why not reinstate the tradition?


ANN ARBOR IS the perfect college town with its wide variety of restaurants, shops, cafés, and bars. However, as the school year progresses, it’s not uncommon to feel trapped in the limited confines that are Ann Arbor. Don’t fret. There are many fun ways to escape the city limit. Cedar Point hosts Halloweekends from September 12 until November 2. The thrills include the best roller


Cedar Point in Sandusky, Ohio is a great place to visit for a weekend. With rides such as Chaos and Demon Drop as well as great views of Lake Erie, its a perfect place to relax.

Ann Arbor is nationally recognized as one of the most lenient cities in the United States regarding marijuana possession. If caught in possession of marijuana, a first-time offense results in a $25 fine, and then a $50 and $100 fine for repeated offenses. Possession in Ann Arbor is neither a misdemeanor nor felony, but is counted as a civil infraction. Hash Bash is held on the first Saturday of April at noon on the Michigan Diag as a means of celebrating marijuana culture. Hash Bashers claim their participation is to help reform marijuana laws and encourage legalization of the drug. As lenient as drug laws are in the city, the University of Michigan campus remains under the jurisdiction of the state. This means that if caught with possession, students face much more severe charges.


The University of Michigan’s Hill Auditorium hosts many symphonies and classical musicians, but offers a diverse offering of artists from all genres. Ludacris, Bob Dylan, Bob Marley, and Pink Floyd are but a few of the artists that have performed for Michigan students. For those who want to hear more local music and indie bands, there are plenty of clubs throughout town catering to such specialties. The Blind Pig, a favorite among college students, hosts up-and-coming bands. Whatever Ann Arbor’s flaws, there is no question that Ann Arbor is a pretty sexy, rocking town. MR

coasters in the world, three haunted houses, and four haunted outdoor walk-through attractions. The park is located only two hours away in Sandusky, Ohio, and admission is roughly forty dollars for the day. If you don’t want to go to Michigan’s southern neighbor, pay a visit to its friendly neighbor in the north: Canada. Since the legal drinking and gambling age are 19 in Ontario, you can stop by a casino or go to a bar without the fear of getting a MIP or your fake ID confiscated. However, when crossing the border, make sure to have either a passport or a birth certificate and a picture ID. Border control may be a hassle, but the real benefit of turning 19 is only to be had in Canada. Stay closer to home and enjoy Detroit’s professional sports teams. Throw an Octopus on the ice at the Red Wings’ Joe Louis Arena. Catch a foul ball at a Tigers game in September. Cross the street from Comerica Park to Ford Field and watch the Lions’ football team (and likely watch them lose). For the freshmen who were not lucky enough to win an opportunity to purchase a parking space in the lottery, the University offers vehicles for rent at reasonable prices. Also, The Arts at Michigan program offers the opportunity to travel on the “culture bus” to designated locations, or to create your own proposals for destinations. In short, don’t get stuck in a rut in Ann Arbor, when there is plenty of exploring to be done outside of U-M campus. MR

What to Do & What NOT to Do at Parties BY LINDSEY DODGE ‘10

ONE OF THE great things about college is the seemingly endless list of parties to attend. Toga, Spotlight, Bar Nights, the list goes on. Yet one of the worst things about parties is when people behave like total idiots. Following is a list of suggestions for incoming freshman of how to make it out alive from the college social scene. 1. Play nice with the alcohol, unless someone challenges you – then you gotta kick that kid’s butt. It’s a very simple rule that can be applied to nearly every arena in life. Don’t go asking for trouble, like knocking back six shots of tequila and then flipping through the contact list on your cell phone. However, if your authority as resident BAMF is called into question, then defend your reputation with no holds barred. Nothing, not any amount of Pabst Blue, can take the place of honor lost. 2. Do not go upstairs with someone without first clarifying certain basics. Yeah, sure, you’re probably fancy-free after high school and looking to carpe diem. But when the person you’ve chosen to do so with is only used to seizing the donuts and cheesy bread, you’ll wake up in the morning and regret that decision. Also, it is often helpful to have a sober friend at the party with you, who you can refer to in times of crisis. Remember: friends don’t let friends take home paper-baggers. 3. Don’t break and/or ruin things that do not belong to you. This would appear far more straight-forward than reality proves it to be. The fact of the matter is that people often don’t care if it doesn’t belong to them – if it’s impeding their drunken walking, then it needs to go. Don’t be that person. They may be funny in the evening, but when the day comes and they have to pay for a new chair or have irritated everyone in the apartment, then the last laugh is on them. 4. Don’t drink and drive. Drink and stumble around with your equally drunk friends. Driving after a big drinking night is an obvious no-no, but also walking home alone is poorly considered. Instead, make sure that everyone is on the same page as to leaving together, and don’t leave a friend behind just because you’re so schwasted you forgot they existed. That’s lame. No one likes that person. 5. Inebriated singing and dancing is fun for you, fun for people watching you, and contributes to the party atmosphere. Never again in your life will you be able to scream “Don’t Stop Believing” at the top of your lungs while wiggling your arms off the beat without being thought of as an enormous fool. So go ahead and do it, because as shown above everyone benefits. You get to tell your kids, “Those were the days” and actually mean it, your friends either get to join in or make fun of you in the corner, and everyone feels better that the party they are at is such a huge success. MR

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05.00.2008 4.1.08

Fantasy Classroom

Crosswords get old, and you can only play so many games of Solitaire. Not to worry! Thanks to our friends at The Daily Northwestern, we now have another option for our time-wasting needs. Enjoy! BY COLIN UTLEY, the daily northwestern This is for everyone who is sick of lectures, crosswords and Sudoku. It’s called Fantasy Classroom. I’ve played it these past two quarters and can safely say it works. So from the cloth tablature itself (a Giordano’s napkin) and published in print for the first time, here are the rules to Fantasy Classroom.


Fantasy Classroom

Ideally, FC is played with two members of the same sex, each of whom are in the same class, along with an arbitrator. The arbitrator is not necessarily of the same sex. The class should be a mixture of lecture and discussion; for example, American Cultural History is an ideal class.

Team Make-Up: You draft one person for every 10 in the class. Round to the nearest 10. You also draft one Greek and one attractive member of the opposite sex. For example, if there are 37 students in class, you draft four players, plus your Greek and hottie. You are allowed to draft your Greek or hottie as one of your regular team players if you so choose. You cannot draft yourself. If the class is 50 minutes long, you must draft after the first class. If the class is 80 minutes long, you can draft during a break or after the first class. If the class is 120 minutes or more, you MUST draft during the break.

Point System:


Caption here.

The object - simply put - is to outscore your opponent over the course of the semester. You score points only during class time or discussion section. Office hours are void. Each characteristic or action is worth only one point unless otherwise indicated. You score if: - YOUR GREEK wears his or her letters to class (shoes and bags included). Extra point if someone else in the room is wearing the exact same article of clothing. - YOUR OPPOSITE SEX HOTTIE looks better than your opponent’s hottie on that day. If consensus cannot be reached, the arbitrator will decide. If it is mutually determined between the players that there is only one hottie in class, forego this player for the quarter. The rest of the rules pertain to your regular players. Unless your Greek or hottie has been drafted as a member of your regular team, they can only score points for letters and supreme attractiveness. You score if your player: ...comments about things they did in other countries. ...pantomimes quotation marks during a comment. ...makes a pop culture reference. ...breaks silence in discussion section. ...tells a personal story. Extra point if the professor has difficulty connecting it to discussion or cannot fluidly transition out of the story. ...accuses the media and/or campus of being liberally biased. ...makes any comment/question that extends the class period. ...uses a statistic in a comment. ...looks up information on Wikipedia or Google to use in discussion. ...asks a stupid question or gives a stupid answer (arbitrator may be necessary. ...says “I took a class about it.” ...attempts to explain “irony,” “postmodernism” or anything by Ayn Rand. a needless summary of other people’s comments. ...uses a word you have only seen on the SAT Verbal section or any word longer than seven letters. ...wears clothing from an Ivy League university. ...comments and the professor immediately dismisses, interrupts or just lets the comment linger in silence. ...does a crossword. Extra point if they finish it. ...falls asleep in class. ...their cell phone rings. Extra point if theirr ing can be considered a “guilty pleasure.” ...attempts a deliberate joke.


Places to Play at U-M

One caveat: if one of your players says, verbatim and without qualifiers, “I was wrong,” you automatically win the quarter. Feel free to join the “I Play Fantasy Classroom” group on Facebook, where you can suggest new rules and nominate people who have carried your team to fantasy glory for the “Fantasy Classroom Hall of Fame.” Have fun. And don’t forget to take notes.

Any Literature, Science, and the Arts class. Any class with a well-known professor. Any B-School class. Any and all Residential College classes.

© The Daily Northwestern reprinted with permission.

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POLITICAL AFFILIATION Continued from PAGE 4 ers being eigtheen. It is presumed that people are old enough to vote at this age; however, this doesn’t mean they always increase their political awareness. Although it may not always appear so, Michigan is a hotbed of political discussion. Many of the University’s policies are the results of clear political agendas, right or wrong, and to be aware of them is the first step towards political acuity. This does not mean “choose a side.” The conflict of Democrat versus Republican represented in such a Red-Rover elementary school way suggests an arbitrary nature to peoples’ choice, which is worrisome. Rather, students should get involved and thinking in the media, and when they begin to realize their own sympathies and values turning up in policies, then they will begin to detect a liberal or conservative strain to their thinking. It is important to remember that the parties arose out of clear principles over the correct way to

monitor government, and understanding that can only ameliorate the present confusion about what the party lines mean. Even beyond this, there is a growing schism between different factions, in particular within the conservative party. Now a large proportion of people are no longer agreeing with what it means to be a Republican, and as such have begun to branch out with their candidates, as was evidenced by the vastly differing nature of Romney’s, Paul’s, and McCain’s proposed policies. This is an exciting prospect for college students, because now not only are they learning about the party system, but they are automatically involved as voters in what the new parties will look like for other future students. It was once remarked that the purpose of an open mind is to find something sturdy and worthwhile to close upon. Do not confuse having an open mind at this

point with tolerance of differing viewpoints or an inability to question opinions. These are all different things that are often rolled into the same package. Look beyond the image. Ask questions. That is the only way to arrive at a fully-formed, reliable point-of-view. So embrace this important, intellectual exercise. Make it a habit to check the New York Times or the Wall Street Journal every morning before heading to class. It will only take ten minutes, and it will help prepare you for a lifetime of political participation. And don’t forget to pick up the Review, your first step on-campus to real discussion. MR

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05.00.2008 4.1.08

SHORTCUTS Continued from PAGE 5 ty, near the Greek houses or Oxford Housing, instead of taking South University up to Church Street to get to buildings on North University, taking Washtenaw to Geddes can cut travel by a few crucial minutes. And of course, there’s the bridge behind the Museum of Natural History and Stockwell Hall, if you are coming from any of the buildings near Observatory. Also, definitely get comfortable with the bus system. Buses run regularly throughout the week, even on weekends. You may find you won’t have to do much walking at all. And of course, don’t be afraid to explore your own shortcuts. MR

BEST AA Continued from PAGE 5

sells everything in the store for $15 or less. On a college budget, Orchid

Lane is a smart, realistic, and fun choice for shopping. It has a bohe-

mian edge, and sells everything from jewelry, clothing, and scarves to small paintings and sculptures. Orchid Lane is a great place to destress and go shopping after taking a rough exam or receiving your first UM grade. You can also buy good gifts for people there. Other stores such as Urban Outfitters, Bivouac, and Poshh also have stylish clothing and accessories, but at a more expensive price. Ann Arbor has many other great things to check out, and these are just a few. Take time to explore these and other cool oddities of Ann Arbor, and enjoy your year in A2! MR


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05.00.2008 4.1.08


EAT AA Continued from PAGE 5

5 BIG Continued from PAGE 5 and the majority of the faculty to support the Democratic candidate vocally and visibly. If you plan on casting a vote for a Republican, fear not. The College Republicans will likely be out in full force for Senator McCain, and more than willing to take all the help they can get. You can often tell “activists” apart from other students by their protest chants and crummy fliers. Avoid them unless you want an earful. 3. “In Rod We Trust” and the New Michigan Football: With the retirement of Lloyd Carr and the hiring of former West Virginia head coach Rich Rodriguez, a new era is dawning for Michigan Football. The institution of a spread offense promises to refocus the Michigan team, and perhaps throw off opponents used to Michigan’s decidedly anachronistic previous style of play. How this will turn out is uncertain, but the talent of the Michigan squad and the tough practice style of Rodriguez are reminiscent of a Schembechler Michigan we’d love to see again. The Michigan team under Bump Elliot got a rude awakening when Coach Schembechler arrived in Ann Arbor, just as Carr’s Wolverines have been pushed in spring practice by Rodriguez. Perhaps Coach Rodriguez has already re-hung Schembechler’s famous sign, “Those Who Stay Will Be Champions.” Only time will tell if University football fans will be cheering “In Rod We Trust” at the Big House. Continued on Page 15 4. Construction on Campus: When you get to campus, odds are you’ll notice the many construction projects. North Quad, the UM Art Museum, and the Big House skyboxes are just a few of the projects that your tuition is funding. Sure it is great that we can enjoy top notch buildings, but it makes getting around a real hassle. Use welcome week to find a few shortcuts around the construction and you should be able to avoid a major headache. Be glad that you do not own a car. 5. Get Out of Your Dorm Room: As much as you love Super Smash Brothers, Ann Arbor is too interesting and quirky a place to not explore. Get on that bus or just walk around town. Determine the lay of the land, not to mention where all your classes are, and you will find the many unique shops and eateries that help make Ann Arbor the town it is. MR

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specialty pizza. If you’re in the mood for casual Southwestern dining, The Prickly Pear on Main Street is a great choice, especially if you wash down the salsa with a frozen lemonade. When the parents are in town, the options are as open as their wallets. Palio and Gratzi, both located on Main Street, are great Italian places. For excellent Indian cuisine, Shalimar on Main Street is the place to go. And of course there’s the famed Zingerman’s deli on Detroit Street. The most expensive sandwich you (or your parents) will ever pay for, but worth every cent. These are just a few of the great dining options Ann Arbor has to offer for any occasion and on any income. Definitely take the chance to explore and find your own favorite spots. MR

Face - Off

PAGE 16 P.


Greek history is best described as “Nasty, brutish, and short,” as are most conversations about going Greek on U-M campus. Here are two voices, one Greek and one not, to argue the two views.

Pro Greek Life

Anti Greek Life



IN THE 2003 film Old School, Will Ferrell’s character Frank, a married yet youthful character, becomes the pledge master in a newly founded fraternity established by his friends. As an elderly pledge, Blue, has failed to provide enough ice in Frank’s lemonade, he exclaims, “Blue, how come there’s no ice in my lemonade?” as he throws the drink into a swimming pool. “Drop down and give me ten. Now!” Frank screams as Blue frantically makes an attempt at push-ups. When most anticipatory high school seniors hear the phrase “Greek Life,” the images that first come to mind are undoubtedly from pop culture. The depictions of fraternity life in Old School and Animal House, in addition to the laughable portrayals of sorority life in ABC’s Greek, reveal that “going Greek” will assuredly lead to hazing, everlasting drunkenness, and nonstop gossip between spoiled Greek members. In actuality, Greek Life at U-M is a life-changing experience that few will regret after four years at Michigan. While the Greek system may initially be intimidating, those who take the plunge will begin to understand that the media’s portrayal of Greek life is false. For one thing, the U-M Greek system provides students with a greater sense of community at a university that has over 40,000 undergraduate and graduate students. The university can be an intimidating place, especially if you’re a freshman. Going through Rush is a rewarding experience in itself since it is a great opportunity to meet other new students, even if you eventually decide not to pledge a house. If you do join a fraternity or sorority, though, you immediately find a community in which you will form lifelong relationships with your fellow Greek members. Some of your best friends in the Greek system may even become your best man or maid of honor at your wedding. The family-like connections and sense of camaraderie that you can develop in Greek life are difficult to precisely replicate outside of fraternities and sororities. Joining a fraternity or sorority not only allows you to form close relationships with fellow Greeks, but it also offers you other tangible academic benefits. Most houses have old tests and study guides for many of the classes at the university that you can use to help prepare for final examinations. Additionally, many fraternities and sororities have resident scholars that can help you prepare a polished resume, assist you with graduate school applications, and answer any questions you have about a troublesome class. While you may think that the Greek system is full of alcoholics, fraternity and sorority members have innumerable academic resources at their fingertips which helps explain why Greek members have higher GPAs on average than non-Greek members. U-M Greek Life sponsors an annual philanthropy event called Greek Week. The seven-day event in the spring allows the entire Greek community to come together and participate in events that raise tens of thousands of dollars for local and national charities. From volunteering to sing in front of countless Greek members to flooding your opponents jar with quarters during the penny wars competition – the price of inflation - Greeks spend the entire week in solidarity while passionately participating in numerous charity events. It is one of the largest philanthropic efforts on campus and something that the entire community can appreciate every year. Don’t get me wrong. Many Greeks love to party. But in the end, there are a myriad of advantages to joining Greek life besides the opportunities to socialize. Will Ferrell’s character in Old School would certainly cringe at the thought. MR

Interfraternity Council

ΑΔΦ - Alpha Delta Phi ΑΕΠ - Alpha Epsilon Pi ΑΣΦ - Alpha Sigma Phi ΧΦ - Chi Phi ΧΨ - Chi Psi ΔΧ - Delta Chi ΔΚΕ - Delta Kappa Epsilon

ΔΤΔ - Delta Tau Delta ΔΥ - Delta Upsilon ΚΣ - Kappa Sigma ΛΧΑ - Lambda Chi Alpha ΦΔΘ - Phi Delta Theta FIJI - Phi Gamma Delta ΦΚΨ - Phi Kappa Psi PIKE - Pi Kappa Alpha ΠΚΦ - Pi Kappa Phi ΠΛΦ - Pi Lambda Phi ΨΥ - Psi Upsilon ΣΑΕ - Sigma Alpha Epsilon

05.00.2008 4.1.08

ΣΑΜ - Sigma Alpha Mu ΣΝ - Sigma Nu ΣΦΕ - Sigma Phi Epsilon ΣΠ - Sigma Pi ΘΧ - Theta Chi ΘΞ - Theta Xi Triangle ΖΨ - Zeta Psi

I BEGIN THIS column by stating that I have never been a member of the Greek system in college, nor have I thought about joining at any point. Sure, joining a fraternity or sorority may help you meet people in a large school, it may provide you with some academic benefits, and you might end up doing some community service along the way. These are the textbook examples that members of the Greek system will give you when asked “why?” And admittedly these may shed some light on Greek intentions. But this argument leaves out a major point: when joining the Greek system, you are at major risk of looking like a douche bag. It is not true that without the Greek system it is difficult to find friends at Michigan. In a college of 40,000, I find it strange that holing yourself up in a house with your fraternity brothers or sorority sisters is the best way to meet a wide range of people. Spending your freshman year in the dorms is the best chance you will have at college to make new friends. Academically, the Greek system has higher GPAs than the non-Greek crowd, but they probably use more performance-enhancing drugs such as Adderall. It is no coincidence that when you walk through the UGLI during finals, you often will see frat guys working much more furiously than any other demographic. It is really great that members of the Greek system are proud of the community service that they do. But to me, Greek Week seems more like a clever PR stunt that efficiently clogs up the Diag and makes Greek members look like idiots while doing it. If Greek members were truly interested in helping the community, they would donate the money spent on Greek-lettered hoodies and caps to the Ann Arbor Soup Kitchen. Perhaps the most compelling reason to avoid the Greek system is the reputation that you will inevitably get. Members of fraternities and sororities are looked at differently by the rest of campus. Whether or not people cast a positive or negative light on a specific person depends largely on which house that person is in. Personally, the sight of certain Greek letters to me is an automatic trigger in my brain to judge. Many of my friends that joined the Greek system their freshman year now hate the whole experience. But once you are in, many people feel compelled to stay where they are. A girl I met freshman year has no problem admitting that she “hates her sorority more than life itself” but can’t quit now, because she feels too far in. Two other girls I know simply couldn’t put up with the Greek bureaucracy and the arbitrary rules that come with being a member (especially if you live in a frat or sorority house). So they packed up their bags, depledged, and returned to life as a normal college kid. Joining the Greek system may seem like a quick and relatively easy way to meet other kids in college. And if you buy all the seemingly great things that they sell to you during rush, you will probably think your new letters are the greatest thing since sliced bread. The next thing you know, you will be lined up in the basement of your fraternity naked with a hamster in your ass, Greek letters branded on your chest, surrounded by your new pledge brothers. But no worries, you’ll be way too hammered to remember any of it. Welcome to Greek life. MR

U-M Greeks

The University of Michigan has almost 60 active fraternity and sorority chapters on campus. This information and more regarding Greek activity at U-M can be searched on

Multicultural National PanGreek Council Hellenic αΚΔΦ - alpha Kappa Council Delta Phi

ΔΤΛ - Delta Tau Lambda ΔΘΨ - Delta Theta Psi ΚΦΛ - Kappa Phi Lambda ΛΦΕ - Lambda Phi Epsilon ΩΓΠ - Omega Gamma Pi ΠΑΦ - Pi Alpha Phi ΣΛΒ - Sigma Lambda Beta International Fraternity, Inc. ΣΛΓ - Sigma Lambda Gamma National Sorority, Inc. ΘΝΞ - Theta Nu Xi Multicultural Sorority, Inc. ΖΣΧ - Zeta Sigma Chi Multicultural Sorority, Inc.

ΑΚΑ - Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority, Inc.

ΑΦΑ - Alpha Phi Alpha Fraternity, Inc.

ΔΣΘ - Delta Sigma Theta

Sorority, Inc. ΙΦΘ - Iota Phi Theta Fraternity, Inc. ΚΑΨ - Kappa Alpha Psi Fraternity, Inc. ΩΨΦ - Omega Psi Phi Fraternity, Inc. ΦΒΣ - Phi Beta Sigma Fraternity, Inc. ΣΓΡ - Sigma Gamma Rho Sorority, Inc. ΖΦΒ - Zeta Phi Beta Sorority, Inc.

Panhellenic Association ΑΧΩ - Alpha Chi Omega ΑΔΠ - Alpha Delta Pi ΑΓΔ - Alpha Gamma Delta ΑΦ - Alpha Phi ΧΩ - Chi Omega ΔΔΔ - Delta Delta Delta ΔΓ - Delta Gamma ΔΦΕ - Delta Phi Epsilon ΚΑΘ - Kappa Alpha Theta ΚΚΓ - Kappa Kappa Gamma ΦΣΡ - Phi Sigma Rho ΠΒΦ - Pi Beta Phi ΣΔΤ - Sigma Delta Tau ΣΚ - Sigma Kappa


The Rock is famous for being painted by Greek students after being initiated into their respective houses, but they certainly aren’t the only ones. Here Karen gets a great shout-out courtesy of the rock on her birthday. Apparently Karen is also multilingual.